M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 1, Episode 13 - Edwina - full transcript
Edwina "Eddie" Ferguson, R.N. is equal parts nerves, calamity and klutz. Around a guy, Eddie is all thumbs; he would need a suit of armor to escape unscathed. A few weeks before Eddie ships home, the 4077 gang throws a surprise party to celebrate her 28th birthday; she confides to Margie Cutler she is still virgo intacta. Radar overhears the nurses plotting in the ladies' showers: if one of the guys does not step up to the plate and/or bite the proverbial bullet, the girls will insure there is no action at the brickyard for the foreseeable future. Henry and the guys decide they should all draw straws to choose the date for Edwina. Old Ferret Face says he wants no part of the "unholy confluence," but the penalty for sitting out is being stripped naked, painted purple and dropped by helicopter behind enemy lines. No one is more delighted than Frank when Hawkeye draws the short straw. The great lover of the 4077 is about to meet his match. Will Hawkeye survive a date with Edwina...and live to tell about it?
- Heading this way.
- OK, this is it.
Ten seconds. Nine, eight...
Light it!
seven, six, five,
four, three, two, one.
Zero!
- Surprise!
- Happy birthday!
Thank you! Thank you!
Happy birthday, Eddie. Surprised?
Oh,
wow!
We arranged double ward duty
so you'd be busy.
We even hid the bedpans just to make sure.
Blow out the candles.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's no problem.
- Did you make a wish?
- Oh, yes, I...
No, don't tell us what it is,
or it won't come true.
May I make a toast?
- No, but how about a farewell address?
- I have a wish to propose,
that soon we'll be united with our loved ones.
Beautiful thought.
Let's just hope nobody's wife
or husband finds out about it.
Come on. Get to the loot.
That one's ours.
"To Eddie, keep an eye on your brass.
Everyone else does."
Oh, thank you.
- It's brass polish. Drink it slowly.
- Thank you. Thank you.
Here.
Please.
Allow me.
Thank you, Major.
The Ten Commandments!
Autographed?
"To Eddie, for your own protection.
From the girls."
It's a bulletproof girdle.
Did you want to say something, or are you
hoping for a free tonsillectomy?
As commanding officer, I believe
it falls to me to say a few words.
# For she's a jolly good fellow
Little did I dream,
when I was a young medical student,
- # For she's a jolly good fellow
- that one day I would be in command of...
# Which nobody can deny
# Which nobody can deny
# Which nobody can deny
# For she's a jolly good fellow,
for she's a jolly good fellow
I'm sorry.
Eddie!
What's the matter?
You shouldn't have made that speech, Henry.
I'm OK, Margie, really.
It's just that song.
"For she's a jolly good fella."
I'm not jolly, and I'm not a fella.
Margie, I am 28 years old, and I have never...
had someone... to care for me.
It takes time for the right guy to come along.
Oh, he's come and gone.
He's very handsome!
It's not a good picture.
- Seymour Chomkey.
- Nice name.
It's a terrible name,
but "Mrs" sounds so nice in front of it.
It would have, that is.
We were engaged for almost two years.
Then Seymour was drafted.
I will never forgive North Korea
for starting up!
I wrote to him every day.
And he answered promptly, once a month,
for the first month.
And then nothing. So I joined up, too.
I thought, maybe if I became a nurse,
I might meet someone like Seymour,
save his life.
And he would be so grateful, that...
I'm getting shipped home
in a couple of weeks,
and no Seymour, and no nobody else.
- You can't give up.
- Who wants me to give in?
Lieutenant, I've been concerned about you
lately. You look down in the dumps.
Don't worry about me.
I had the dumps as a child.
Based on my three classes
in psychology, two of which I cut,
I can tell you that your problem is all mental.
You think too much. It's very bad.
Forget about your mind.
Pay more attention to your body.
If you lack time, I'll do it for you.
- I'm very concerned about Eddie.
- Me too.
You have sexy knuckles. Is that possible?
There are ten guys for every girl in this base.
You'd think there would be one for Eddie.
My dear, Eddie is a lovely girl,
but she has a gift for calamity.
She's a land mine in bloomers.
- Hawkeye!
- Why don't we patent your ears?
We could sell a million of them!
We knew it was an alkaloid. I forgot about
its association with other amoebicides.
- I've had the same problem.
- Excuse me. Can you help me?
- What's wrong?
- I got something in my eye.
- Dirt?
- A finger.
- How'd you get a finger in your eye?
- Through a hole in a tent.
- What tent?
- The one I had my eye up against.
Stop peeking in the nurses' shower.
Everyone needs a hobby.
You'll be fine. Put a heat compress on it,
and start looking in the men's shower
for a few days.
Don't you wanna know
what I heard while I peeked?
I'd rather know what you saw
while you peeked.
Nurse Cutler's got 'em all organised.
Unless someone gets very friendly with
Eddie, things will get very cool here.
- Very cool?
- And very lonely.
They wouldn't dare!
That attitude could destroy morale,
weaken the fibre of our brave men in white.
These boys depend on their relaxation
to renew and refresh their flagging spirits.
They must be allowed a moment's respite
from the trials of war.
Mmm. You smell divine.
I just washed my hair.
Listen. I've just given myself
the rest of the day off.
Let's lock the door
and study medical journals.
I have to wash my hair!
You just did.
What's going on, Leslie?
All week long, every time I've wanted to be
alone with you, you have to wash your hair.
You'll wind up with a head
that looks like a cue ball.
Excuse me.
It's inhuman, unfair, and un-American.
Besides, it's bad for the health.
Pass the salt, please.
Edwina Ferguson.
The face that launched
a thousand longer faces.
You're commanding officer!
Command the girls to cut it out!
It's driving us nuts! Right, Hawk?
Right. You got awfully pretty legs, Henry.
Let's not get carried away.
We're not boys, we're men.
Thanks for the reminder.
And doctors, besides.
Let's see a little fortitude,
a little perseverance.
I've been hit by this too,
and you don't see me falling apart.
- Shower's ready.
- Is it cold?
- Icy, sir.
- Excuse me.
You know why we're all here tonight.
The time has come to end the siege.
Someone, at whatever risk to his life or limb,
someone must make
Lieutenant Edwina Ferguson his own.
May I say that I find this
whole proposition highly...
- Colonic?
- Irregular.
I was close.
I refuse to be part of this unholy confluence.
Frank, I think I speak for
everyone here when I say:
if you don't fully cooperate in our enterprise,
you'll be stripped naked, painted purple,
and dropped by helicopter
behind enemy lines.
You wouldn't dare.
Radar, the straws, please.
There comes a time in a soldier's life, from
the lowliest private to the lowliest officer,
when he must put his own wellbeing second
to the greater good of his fellow fellows,
his comrades in arms, his war buddies.
Let us each, in his own heart,
say to that courageous man,
whoever he may turn out to be:
"And there, but for the fickle pick
of fate, go I. And qu? ser?, ser?."
"No hard feelings. May the best man, uh,
well, whatever."
Shall we make it two out of three?
We know the procedure. Let's go for keeps.
- We appreciate it.
- I need a drink.
- Double?
- Yeah. About a size 11, triple-A.
Knock, knock. Hope we're
not interrupting anything.
Hey, what are they?
They're wearing our uniforms,
but they're not built like us.
They're all soft and bumpy.
You don't suppose they're...
- Girls?
- That's it! I couldn't think of the word.
- If I could only remember what they're for.
- We popped in to see what was happening.
I'm still hoping for a recount.
You?
I want you to know I was fully opposed
to this degenerate, depraved, immoral,
perverted and indecent proposal.
But, if it must occur...
What do army regulations say about
strangling a man with his own tongue?
- Out of my way.
- Don't worry.
- I'd do the same thing for my own mother.
- I almost envy Eddie.
It's too late for that now. I'm spoken for.
Now we'll all get to see
how the great lover operates.
- Retractor.
- Retractor.
- Give me some suction here.
- Suction.
Clamp.
Clamp.
Oh, they're forceps. I'm sorry.
Perfectly all right. I like forceps, too.
I prefer them.
They're one of my favourite instruments.
- May I join you?
- Well, sure.
This job makes me look forward to food,
so this stuff is such a disappointment.
- Oh, it's not too bad.
- Oh, you're too tolerant.
I can't figure out how they make food
taste like it's been drafted.
Here, let me serve you.
Oh, thanks.
Ah, what have we today?
Would you like some cream-of-leftover soup?
No.
For an entr?e, you can have pork chops
or our cook's award-winning stew.
- The pork chops.
- A very wise choice.
The award was presented
by the North Koreans.
You can have vegetables or gravy.
It won't hurt if you don't swallow it.
Just gravy.
- Some coffee?
- Please.
You're very brave.
The coffee is made of gravy
that didn't make it.
Where shall we sit?
You want to sit together?
I've tried sitting apart. It's very painful.
Oh, thank you.
Margie tells me you'll be leaving us
in a couple of weeks.
You're really lucky to be going home.
I have this...
I have a recurring fantasy I'll go home
and my family will have left
without a forwarding address.
I could get 20 years for talking to myself.
I'm trying to figure out
why you're sitting here.
You usually eat with Margie
or one of the other girls.
- You're one of the other girls.
- Why don't I believe you?
You believe the popular notion
of me as a glib, insincere operator.
- That's right.
- Those are only some of my qualities.
Underneath there's another me.
Shy, sensitive, uncertain...
- Conniving.
- Right.
Underneath that, there's another me.
Underneath there, there's public parking.
Nonetheless, I still don't understand
why you're sitting here.
I find you interesting. I'd like to get to
know you in the short time we have left.
- You're not just saying that?
- On my Hippocratic oath.
On second thought, make that my
golfer's oath, which is more binding.
I wonder what makes
people attracted to each other?
The first girl I really fell for,
it was just chemistry.
You mean an electrical excitement?
She wrote all my chemistry papers. Without
her, I wouldn't have gotten into med school.
- Disgusting.
- Vile.
- Meet you in back of the kitchen.
- Right behind the swill.
Hawkeye. You're terrific.
- Thanks, coach.
- We appreciate it.
I hope the Friends of Edwina Club
appreciate that she and I have a date tonight.
- Oh, great!
- Great?
She stepped on my ankle.
I have a run in my leg.
You'll be fine.
Want to give me one last kiss,
just in case she breaks my lips tonight?
I love the way you have your place fixed up.
Trapper took a correspondence
course in interior decorating.
He failed it, of course. Excuse me.
Japanese custom.
- Fix you a martini?
- I'm not a very good drinker.
I'll give you a crash course.
I've never been in a man's tent before.
It's just like a woman's.
You just button it on the other side.
Thank you.
What shall we drink to?
- How about to dry clothes?
- I'm sorry.
No, not at all. I don't mind a wet T-shirt.
It saves me the trouble of sweating.
- Eddie?
- It's all right, Hawkeye.
I mean, you're nice to try,
but why don't we not pretend any more, huh?
I mean, I heard people talking.
I can figure things out.
So, why don't we just pretend we pretended,
and everyone will be off the hook.
- Wait...
- Don't worry.
I'll tell everyone I had a wonderful time.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!
That's OK. It's OK. Don't help me!
- Don't press the ice in my eye!
- Look what I'm doing to a doctor!
- It's all right. Wait a minute.
- Let's drop it, please?
- The game's over.
- OK, it's over.
We're just two people waiting for a bus.
Or, in my case, an ambulance.
Come here. Sit down.
You don't have to hurt somebody
to make sure they don't hurt you first.
- Is that what it is?
- I think so.
Dance with me? Carefully?
I can't stand it. I'm hopeless!
Cheap glass. Who cares about that?
What matters is you.
- What is it?
- I'm not wearing any shoes!
Your feet! They must be cut to ribbons!
Lie down.
I killed you.
I don't have that kind of luck.
Just give me a minute.
I've never seen anyone try
so hard to be considerate.
Edwina,
may I kiss you?
Is your mouth insured?
That was nice.
- I didn't hurt anything?
- No.
Oh, I will never forget this evening.
Me neither.
Thank you, Hawkeye. I'm so grateful.
That's not necessary.
To know I can be myself with a man,
to know I don't have to beat him to the hurt.
Oh, wow!
Goodbye, Margie. Thank you, Doctor.
Goodbye, Edwina.
If civilian life gets boring, we're always here.
Why are you still smiling?
- No reason.
- Buy me a cup of coffee?
Sort of missed you chasing after me
these past two weeks.
A guy can find smoothness
and grace and aptitude attractive
for just so long, you know.
Oh. This better?
Oh! That's it. Much better.
You're my kind of girl.
- OK, this is it.
Ten seconds. Nine, eight...
Light it!
seven, six, five,
four, three, two, one.
Zero!
- Surprise!
- Happy birthday!
Thank you! Thank you!
Happy birthday, Eddie. Surprised?
Oh,
wow!
We arranged double ward duty
so you'd be busy.
We even hid the bedpans just to make sure.
Blow out the candles.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's no problem.
- Did you make a wish?
- Oh, yes, I...
No, don't tell us what it is,
or it won't come true.
May I make a toast?
- No, but how about a farewell address?
- I have a wish to propose,
that soon we'll be united with our loved ones.
Beautiful thought.
Let's just hope nobody's wife
or husband finds out about it.
Come on. Get to the loot.
That one's ours.
"To Eddie, keep an eye on your brass.
Everyone else does."
Oh, thank you.
- It's brass polish. Drink it slowly.
- Thank you. Thank you.
Here.
Please.
Allow me.
Thank you, Major.
The Ten Commandments!
Autographed?
"To Eddie, for your own protection.
From the girls."
It's a bulletproof girdle.
Did you want to say something, or are you
hoping for a free tonsillectomy?
As commanding officer, I believe
it falls to me to say a few words.
# For she's a jolly good fellow
Little did I dream,
when I was a young medical student,
- # For she's a jolly good fellow
- that one day I would be in command of...
# Which nobody can deny
# Which nobody can deny
# Which nobody can deny
# For she's a jolly good fellow,
for she's a jolly good fellow
I'm sorry.
Eddie!
What's the matter?
You shouldn't have made that speech, Henry.
I'm OK, Margie, really.
It's just that song.
"For she's a jolly good fella."
I'm not jolly, and I'm not a fella.
Margie, I am 28 years old, and I have never...
had someone... to care for me.
It takes time for the right guy to come along.
Oh, he's come and gone.
He's very handsome!
It's not a good picture.
- Seymour Chomkey.
- Nice name.
It's a terrible name,
but "Mrs" sounds so nice in front of it.
It would have, that is.
We were engaged for almost two years.
Then Seymour was drafted.
I will never forgive North Korea
for starting up!
I wrote to him every day.
And he answered promptly, once a month,
for the first month.
And then nothing. So I joined up, too.
I thought, maybe if I became a nurse,
I might meet someone like Seymour,
save his life.
And he would be so grateful, that...
I'm getting shipped home
in a couple of weeks,
and no Seymour, and no nobody else.
- You can't give up.
- Who wants me to give in?
Lieutenant, I've been concerned about you
lately. You look down in the dumps.
Don't worry about me.
I had the dumps as a child.
Based on my three classes
in psychology, two of which I cut,
I can tell you that your problem is all mental.
You think too much. It's very bad.
Forget about your mind.
Pay more attention to your body.
If you lack time, I'll do it for you.
- I'm very concerned about Eddie.
- Me too.
You have sexy knuckles. Is that possible?
There are ten guys for every girl in this base.
You'd think there would be one for Eddie.
My dear, Eddie is a lovely girl,
but she has a gift for calamity.
She's a land mine in bloomers.
- Hawkeye!
- Why don't we patent your ears?
We could sell a million of them!
We knew it was an alkaloid. I forgot about
its association with other amoebicides.
- I've had the same problem.
- Excuse me. Can you help me?
- What's wrong?
- I got something in my eye.
- Dirt?
- A finger.
- How'd you get a finger in your eye?
- Through a hole in a tent.
- What tent?
- The one I had my eye up against.
Stop peeking in the nurses' shower.
Everyone needs a hobby.
You'll be fine. Put a heat compress on it,
and start looking in the men's shower
for a few days.
Don't you wanna know
what I heard while I peeked?
I'd rather know what you saw
while you peeked.
Nurse Cutler's got 'em all organised.
Unless someone gets very friendly with
Eddie, things will get very cool here.
- Very cool?
- And very lonely.
They wouldn't dare!
That attitude could destroy morale,
weaken the fibre of our brave men in white.
These boys depend on their relaxation
to renew and refresh their flagging spirits.
They must be allowed a moment's respite
from the trials of war.
Mmm. You smell divine.
I just washed my hair.
Listen. I've just given myself
the rest of the day off.
Let's lock the door
and study medical journals.
I have to wash my hair!
You just did.
What's going on, Leslie?
All week long, every time I've wanted to be
alone with you, you have to wash your hair.
You'll wind up with a head
that looks like a cue ball.
Excuse me.
It's inhuman, unfair, and un-American.
Besides, it's bad for the health.
Pass the salt, please.
Edwina Ferguson.
The face that launched
a thousand longer faces.
You're commanding officer!
Command the girls to cut it out!
It's driving us nuts! Right, Hawk?
Right. You got awfully pretty legs, Henry.
Let's not get carried away.
We're not boys, we're men.
Thanks for the reminder.
And doctors, besides.
Let's see a little fortitude,
a little perseverance.
I've been hit by this too,
and you don't see me falling apart.
- Shower's ready.
- Is it cold?
- Icy, sir.
- Excuse me.
You know why we're all here tonight.
The time has come to end the siege.
Someone, at whatever risk to his life or limb,
someone must make
Lieutenant Edwina Ferguson his own.
May I say that I find this
whole proposition highly...
- Colonic?
- Irregular.
I was close.
I refuse to be part of this unholy confluence.
Frank, I think I speak for
everyone here when I say:
if you don't fully cooperate in our enterprise,
you'll be stripped naked, painted purple,
and dropped by helicopter
behind enemy lines.
You wouldn't dare.
Radar, the straws, please.
There comes a time in a soldier's life, from
the lowliest private to the lowliest officer,
when he must put his own wellbeing second
to the greater good of his fellow fellows,
his comrades in arms, his war buddies.
Let us each, in his own heart,
say to that courageous man,
whoever he may turn out to be:
"And there, but for the fickle pick
of fate, go I. And qu? ser?, ser?."
"No hard feelings. May the best man, uh,
well, whatever."
Shall we make it two out of three?
We know the procedure. Let's go for keeps.
- We appreciate it.
- I need a drink.
- Double?
- Yeah. About a size 11, triple-A.
Knock, knock. Hope we're
not interrupting anything.
Hey, what are they?
They're wearing our uniforms,
but they're not built like us.
They're all soft and bumpy.
You don't suppose they're...
- Girls?
- That's it! I couldn't think of the word.
- If I could only remember what they're for.
- We popped in to see what was happening.
I'm still hoping for a recount.
You?
I want you to know I was fully opposed
to this degenerate, depraved, immoral,
perverted and indecent proposal.
But, if it must occur...
What do army regulations say about
strangling a man with his own tongue?
- Out of my way.
- Don't worry.
- I'd do the same thing for my own mother.
- I almost envy Eddie.
It's too late for that now. I'm spoken for.
Now we'll all get to see
how the great lover operates.
- Retractor.
- Retractor.
- Give me some suction here.
- Suction.
Clamp.
Clamp.
Oh, they're forceps. I'm sorry.
Perfectly all right. I like forceps, too.
I prefer them.
They're one of my favourite instruments.
- May I join you?
- Well, sure.
This job makes me look forward to food,
so this stuff is such a disappointment.
- Oh, it's not too bad.
- Oh, you're too tolerant.
I can't figure out how they make food
taste like it's been drafted.
Here, let me serve you.
Oh, thanks.
Ah, what have we today?
Would you like some cream-of-leftover soup?
No.
For an entr?e, you can have pork chops
or our cook's award-winning stew.
- The pork chops.
- A very wise choice.
The award was presented
by the North Koreans.
You can have vegetables or gravy.
It won't hurt if you don't swallow it.
Just gravy.
- Some coffee?
- Please.
You're very brave.
The coffee is made of gravy
that didn't make it.
Where shall we sit?
You want to sit together?
I've tried sitting apart. It's very painful.
Oh, thank you.
Margie tells me you'll be leaving us
in a couple of weeks.
You're really lucky to be going home.
I have this...
I have a recurring fantasy I'll go home
and my family will have left
without a forwarding address.
I could get 20 years for talking to myself.
I'm trying to figure out
why you're sitting here.
You usually eat with Margie
or one of the other girls.
- You're one of the other girls.
- Why don't I believe you?
You believe the popular notion
of me as a glib, insincere operator.
- That's right.
- Those are only some of my qualities.
Underneath there's another me.
Shy, sensitive, uncertain...
- Conniving.
- Right.
Underneath that, there's another me.
Underneath there, there's public parking.
Nonetheless, I still don't understand
why you're sitting here.
I find you interesting. I'd like to get to
know you in the short time we have left.
- You're not just saying that?
- On my Hippocratic oath.
On second thought, make that my
golfer's oath, which is more binding.
I wonder what makes
people attracted to each other?
The first girl I really fell for,
it was just chemistry.
You mean an electrical excitement?
She wrote all my chemistry papers. Without
her, I wouldn't have gotten into med school.
- Disgusting.
- Vile.
- Meet you in back of the kitchen.
- Right behind the swill.
Hawkeye. You're terrific.
- Thanks, coach.
- We appreciate it.
I hope the Friends of Edwina Club
appreciate that she and I have a date tonight.
- Oh, great!
- Great?
She stepped on my ankle.
I have a run in my leg.
You'll be fine.
Want to give me one last kiss,
just in case she breaks my lips tonight?
I love the way you have your place fixed up.
Trapper took a correspondence
course in interior decorating.
He failed it, of course. Excuse me.
Japanese custom.
- Fix you a martini?
- I'm not a very good drinker.
I'll give you a crash course.
I've never been in a man's tent before.
It's just like a woman's.
You just button it on the other side.
Thank you.
What shall we drink to?
- How about to dry clothes?
- I'm sorry.
No, not at all. I don't mind a wet T-shirt.
It saves me the trouble of sweating.
- Eddie?
- It's all right, Hawkeye.
I mean, you're nice to try,
but why don't we not pretend any more, huh?
I mean, I heard people talking.
I can figure things out.
So, why don't we just pretend we pretended,
and everyone will be off the hook.
- Wait...
- Don't worry.
I'll tell everyone I had a wonderful time.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!
That's OK. It's OK. Don't help me!
- Don't press the ice in my eye!
- Look what I'm doing to a doctor!
- It's all right. Wait a minute.
- Let's drop it, please?
- The game's over.
- OK, it's over.
We're just two people waiting for a bus.
Or, in my case, an ambulance.
Come here. Sit down.
You don't have to hurt somebody
to make sure they don't hurt you first.
- Is that what it is?
- I think so.
Dance with me? Carefully?
I can't stand it. I'm hopeless!
Cheap glass. Who cares about that?
What matters is you.
- What is it?
- I'm not wearing any shoes!
Your feet! They must be cut to ribbons!
Lie down.
I killed you.
I don't have that kind of luck.
Just give me a minute.
I've never seen anyone try
so hard to be considerate.
Edwina,
may I kiss you?
Is your mouth insured?
That was nice.
- I didn't hurt anything?
- No.
Oh, I will never forget this evening.
Me neither.
Thank you, Hawkeye. I'm so grateful.
That's not necessary.
To know I can be myself with a man,
to know I don't have to beat him to the hurt.
Oh, wow!
Goodbye, Margie. Thank you, Doctor.
Goodbye, Edwina.
If civilian life gets boring, we're always here.
Why are you still smiling?
- No reason.
- Buy me a cup of coffee?
Sort of missed you chasing after me
these past two weeks.
A guy can find smoothness
and grace and aptitude attractive
for just so long, you know.
Oh. This better?
Oh! That's it. Much better.
You're my kind of girl.