M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 1, Episode 10 - I Hate a Mystery - full transcript
Men of medicine, like the Swamp Rats, are supposed to excel at curing rashes. But, when the rashes are not itchy, red bumps but result in ill-gotten booty (or ill-booten gotty) found in Hawkeye's footlocker, the consequences can be serious. It is no laughing matter when your best friends think you could be a thief, when you are relentlessly pursued by a bush and a malicious P.A. system and needle-nose non-comms count the scalpels faster than you can wield them. Hawkeye is the past master of pranks and immature behavior; no one is really surprised. But, if Hawkeye is telling the truth and he is not playing a joke on the entire camp, then there must be a thief at the 4077. It will take some quick hands to beat Hotlips and her Court Martial forms...
- One.
- One?
- One!
- Can you believe this guy?
He asks for one.
Will you just deal?
Ten dollars.
Man's luck is
not to be believed.
- Nothing worse than a sore winner.
- Luck?
My openers. Luck has
nothing to do with it.
I win all the time because
my heart is pure. Right, Frank?
You're a vice-ridden degenerate.
I don't think you even have a heart.
Ooh! Frank, for a doctor,
that's a very serious diagnosis.
Now, now. We all know how
competent and dedicated Frank is.
That's why he and Hot Lips
spend every night together
in the examination room.
It so happens
that Major Houlihan and I...
are studying the treatment
of cardiac arrests.
I wouldn't mind making
a cardiac arrest on Hot Lips.
Her name is Margaret.
- Ooh!
- $2 4.50, Ho-Jon. What's the total?
Ah, $309.68, Hawkeye.
Keep those nickels
and dimes coming, gang.
You keep that up and I'm gonna
put your tongue in traction.
Why did you two
ever become doctors?
- Why did you become a doctor, Major?
- To meet girls.
It was the wish
of my dear mother,
the guiding force
of my life who--
The frame.
- Her sterling silver frame!
- Take it easy, Frank.
You stole her frame,
you... guys!
You've done some terrible things
before, but this is the worst!
You're... fiends!
- Margaret, I--
- Aaah!
- You look awful.
- Oh, Frank, what do you want?
My mother's silver frame
is gone.
Well, I didn't take it.
I'm not accusing you,
but it's gone!
You know how much
my mother means to me.
Oh, Frank, it's only a frame.
It's the principle. I feel...
violated. My own mother's picture.
To think that those animals
even laid their hands on it.
- Would you hand me my brushes?
- I don't think spanking them
will do any good.
No, Frank,
I'm gonna brush my hair.
One hundred strokes...
every night.
- It's getting late.
I might just stay for 50.
- Frank, my brushes?
- Where are they?
- On the night table,
where I always keep them.
My brushes! Where are they?
Where are my brushes?
- Margaret, control yourself.
- They're gone! Somebody took them!
Margaret, they're only brushes.
No, they're not!
My father gave those to me!
[ Laughing, Giggling ]
- Leslie?
- Yes?
Oh, is it mine?
Oh, Henry!
That's the fish you caught
last week. Your very first.
And you had it stuffed
just for me.
That's not all.
As a little token
of my admiration,
I sent to...
Tokyo for this.
Oh, Henry.
Oh, it's not--
It certainly is.
A Sato Tanaka
double-cammed reel...
with jeweled escarpment.
Oh!
Well, I can hardly wait
to show the girls.
Open it.
Oh, yes.
Henry.
It's gone!
- I've got post-op duty, Captain.
- Not for 26 minutes, you don't.
I'll check my alarm watch.
Hmm. Must have left it in the tent.
We'll make our own clock.
First, you put the big hand here,
and then the little hand there.
You're running a little fast.
[ Trapper ]
Hey!
What a day! I sewed up enough
people to make a crazy quilt!
Have you seen my watch?
It's Tuesday. It's 1 951 .
What more do you have to know?
I'd like to find my watch.
Ho-Jon, the elixir of life.
Drinks for me and my men,
and water for our horses.
Ah, where is it?
There it is.
Ahh.
Ahh.
Ah, the symphony begins.
The sultry saxophone
splashes of melody.
A subtle drum brush
for counterpoint.
The plunking
of cool harp strings.
And now...
the silver vibes
of the gentle swizzle stick.
[ Silence ]
And now, the silver vibes of
the gentle swizzle stick. Ho-Jon?
""Stizzle swick'' not here.
Who stole my ""stizzle swick''?
[ Everyone Chattering
All At Once ]
Everybody, will you keep it down?
We're trying to talk!
- Radar?
- Ten-hut!
Call everyone to attention.
At ease, men. Everyone, be seated.
I assume you read my notice
concerning our recent crime wave.
I would've read it,
but the notice was stolen.
I'm talking about the rash of thefts
that have plagued our camp.
- Our plague has a rash.
- That's the worst kind.
As it stated, in the interest
of morale and unity--
- Pass the salt.
- The-- Yes, of course.
The guilty party
need only return...
the stolen articles
by 1 900 hours tonight.
[ Chattering ]
Well, it is now 1 900 hours
minus 30 seconds.
The lights will now be...
- turned off.
- [ Everyone Groaning ]
And the aforementioned guilty party
may now return the things.
- [ Woman Screams ]
Trapper, stop that!
- Stop what? I'm over here.
- [ Mulcahy ] Ohh!
- [ Woman ] Oh, I'm sorry, Father.
That's all right, my child.
You couldn't have known. Thank you.
- [ Hawkeye ] You little devil.
- [ Hot Lips ] What are
you talking about?
- Frank, you little devil!
- [ Frank ] Oh, you're disgusting!
- Radar, is it 1 900 hours?
- I can't see the clock.
Then turn on the--
- Hey, my bag is gone!
- Mine too!
All right now.
Who took my spoon?
Somebody took my spoon!
[ Henry ]
I'm sorry to say this, folks,
but you have left me no alternative
but to conduct a tent-by-tent search...
which will start immediately
and continue until I unearth
the guilty party...
or parties, as the case
or, uh, cases may be.
No one will be excluded
from this grueling search.
I'm including myself, right down
to my right hand, Corporal O'Reilly.
Naturally I regret any and all
embarrassment...
this may cause
to whomsoever it does.
But you, that is to say
the guilty one of you,
have left me no other way
but to leave no stones...
or even shower unturned... on.
At ease, men.
- McIntyre?
- Yeah?
- What's in here?
- Soot, sir.
- Soot?
- Yeah.
I'll be the judge of that.
- Pierce?
- Yes?
Whose is this?
I'll give you three guesses.
Open it.
- Open it!
- Oh, Henry, don't be ridiculous.
If you want my opinion,
this whole--
This whole thing is not only
a complete--[ Laughing ]
...a complete waste of time,
it's also an insult to
the intelligence of everybody--
Why don't we have a drink?
Henry, this is crazy!
Actually, it's past crazy.
It's taken a left turn into ludicrous.
Look, if you will just tell me
what the joke is,
then we can let things get back
to abnormal around here.
Joke? You-- I don't have that
bizarre a sense of humor!
Oh! Now, weren't you the one
who sent General Barker...
the brownies
with the laxative filling?
-The court-martial forms, Colonel.
-Court-martial? Wait a minute.
What is this? You trying
to beat the four-minute frame?
Speaking of which, this goes
right back around my mother.
That is Exhibit ""A,'' Frank.
And you go into the stockade.
Yes siree, Bob!
- Right into the clink!
- You tell him, Frank.
- You know, I've never hit a woman.
- You put one hand on her--
I was thinking of you, Frank.
- Okay, let's knock it off.
- Let me know when you all
come to your senses.
Then we can find out
who really took the stuff.
I'm going to my tent.
Knock three times and stay out.
Pierce?
- If you would just sign right here?
- Come on, Major.
- He was caught with the goods.
- At least that's the way
General Barker understands it.
- You called Ge--
- I called General Barker.
Excuse me. I'll get my pen.
- Where is my pen?
- Pierce!
- He's done it again!
- Here's your pen, sir.
You left it on my desk.
- Thank you.
See what happens when you jump
to conclusions?
I say he should be kept
under constant surveillance.
- That's ridiculous.
- Why don't we get
the General's opinion on that?
[ Whistling ]
[ Whistling ]
[ Whistling Stops ]
Hiya, Radar.
What's up?
Nothin' much.
What's-- What're you up to?
I'm just lyin' around.
That's the way I feel too. You mind
if I just lie around with you?
Not if you use another bunk.
[ Whistling ]
Why are you staring at me?
I'm not staring at you. I'm just
looking in your direction, that's all.
That's a very fine distinction.
Hi.
How's it goin'?
Any wealthy patients check in?
What are you doin' here,
Radar?
Staring at me.
It's a new hobby.
- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.
One scalpel.
[ Man Over P.A. System ]
And now, a special dedication
to Captain Hawkeye Pierce:
""Someone to Watch Over Me.''
##
- Looking for me, Hawkeye?
- Not really.
- Have a seat, my son.
- Uh, may I help you?
- I've been hoping you'd stop by.
- Good.
Don't be deceived
by these trappings.
Underneath them,
I'm just an ordinary man...
who is as prone to temptation
as you are.
Would you like
to talk about it, Father?
You're overwrought.
It's quite normal considering
the burden you must be carrying.
Hmm. In other words,
you think I did it too.
I only know that given
our circumstances,
the best of us can behave
in erratic and irresponsible ways.
As with everything else,
it's all in here.
The dictionary?
Uh, hmm.
I did have a Bible here.
Thanks anyway, Father.
Hawkeye?
[ Man On P.A. System ]
Attention! Tonight's movie
is Les Miserables... rables,
the riveting tale of a man who
steals, and is relentlessly pursued.
Sort of like somebody
we all know.
- Barbara!Just the warm body
I wanted to see.
- Whoops, the other one.
Let's go down to the river and practice
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
I don't think so.
Lieutenant, I've always
admired your analytical mind.
You're one of the few people
who can see things clearly...
without emotion or prejudice.
- Let me ask you--
- I think you did it.
Let me rephrase the question.
How would you assess
my general character?
You're cynical and selfish.
When you're not in the operating room,
all you ever think about is
your own pleasure.
Don't sugarcoat it.
Give it to me straight.
I'm very disappointed in you, Hawkeye.
Not surprised, but disappointed.
Come on, Radar.
Let's call it a night.
It's the end of the trail
for you tomorrow, Radar,
'cause I'm putting an end
to all of this foolishness.
I know how to find out who's behind all
this, then it's everybody off my back.
Getting so a man can't talk
to his own shrub around here.
Oh, come on, Henry.
What have you got to lose?
If we can catch the person that did
this, you're liable to get a promotion.
- Or better yet, a transfer.
- A transfer?
Well, what do I have to do?
- This is just between the two of us.
- Yeah, yeah.
All right now,
listen carefully!
[ Hawkeye On P.A. System ]
Tomorrow morning the
supply chopper is coming...
with the equipment for me to lift the
fingerprints off the stolen articles.
[ Hawkeye ] Give me those articles
for one hour and we'll have our thief.
- Pierce, that stuff
is safely locked in my desk.
- What?
That stuff is safely locked in my desk,
and that's where it's gonna stay.
- Okay, Henry, if that's
the way you want it.
- That's the way I want it.
- [ Turns P.A. System Off] Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Why me?
[ Hawkeye On P.A. System ]
Attention, the following report
immediately to the mess tent.
Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake,
Lieutenant Leslie Scorch,
TrapperJohn McIntyre,
Major Frank Burns,
Major Margaret Houlihan,
Captain SpearchuckerJones,
Lieutenant Barbara Bannerman,
Corporal Radar O'Reilly.
What is it, an air raid?
What is the meaning of this?
Who called this meeting?
Look, I am
the commanding officer,
and I'm the only one
authorized to call meetings.
Good evening.
Thank you all for coming.
I trust you will forgive me for
disturbing you at this late hour,
but the time has come
to unmask the guilty party--
the perpetrator
of this bad practical joke.
We know who the guilty party is.
Why do you let him--
Contain yourself, Dr. Burns.
Remember the old adage:
""Methinks he doth protest too much.''
- Who does he think he is?
- The Thin Man?
You dislike me enough to wish me
transferred to another base,
preferably an enemy base.
But let us not forget
Major Houlihan.
Tough, ambitious,
yet greasy Major Houlihan.
Why think of only one culprit?
Why not a pair of sweethearts in crime?
You are sick!
Still another colleague resents me...
because of his consistent losses
at the gaming tables.
- The man's a fruit cake!
- And yet you, Lieutenant,
also had a motive of jealousy,
because I share my affections
among the ladies.
- You told me I was the only one!
- Ha!
Of course, my legendary prowess
with the fairer sex...
was cause for envy
on the part of... Dr. McIntyre!
Legendary? I've seen you
strike out in a geisha house.
Still, we must remember
that the thefts...
were committed
in several places,
indicating that the thief had
access to the various tents...
and was perhaps short enough
to go unnoticed.
There is only one man here
short enough...
to bathe in his own helmet,
right, Radar?
Me?
I'm not short.
Let us not overlook the possibility
of a mastermind...
who commands others to do
his bidding, right, Henry?
Ah, sign what, Radar?
I'm sorry, Pierce.
It's going very well.
A most perplexing riddle,
calling for the most ingenious
of solutions.
Thus I made it publicly known
that there were fingerprints...
to be found
on the stolen articles,
thereby tempting the criminal
to repeat his crime...
and retrieve his
ill-gotten booty,
or his ill-booten gotty.
Which he has done!
However, in so doing,
he has exposed himself.
Because I took the precaution
of treating the stolen articles...
with hydrochloric-alpha-terracin.
What's hydrochloric-alpha-terracin?
A chemical which is
at this moment...
coloring the culprit's fingernails...
blue.
Look... no blue.
Yeah, I know, there couldn't be.
I was bluffing.
Why, Ho-Jon? What did you need
those things for?
For money.
To bring my mother and sister
from our village up north.
To bribe the border guards.
I didn't think anyone would miss
their bits and pieces.
You're all so rich.
And your footlocker was
the safest place to hide things.
- Why didn't you just come and ask us?
- Yeah.
I didn't think you'd give me
bribe money. Bribery is dishonest.
Look, Ho-Jon,
if it'll help at all,
you can just keep the fishing reel.
I've got other brushes.
Oh, no. You're all too good.
I can't take your things.
- You took them before.
- Okay.
- I really had to twist his arm.
- That's settled.
Now do you have enough stuff to
bring your mother and sister here?
Oh, yes,
because I have money too.
How much money can you have?
Three hundred
and almost ten dollars.
Isn't that fantastic? This kid only
makes a couple of bucks a week,
but he's been putting aside
his nickels and pennies...
and stealing my poker winnings!
Oh, so I can bring my other sister
and my baby brother--
- Forget it, Hawkeye,
there's too many of them.
- Bring 'em all, that's fine.
I'll make you a martini.
I'm not short. I'm not.
I'm not short.
My mother
was a little short.
That's fascinating.
- Oh, it is, it is.
- Yes, yes, very definitely.
[ Mulcahy ] It was after
he returned to the garden...
that he discovered that
three of his apostles were missing.
Don't look at me.
I didn't take 'em.
- One?
- One!
- Can you believe this guy?
He asks for one.
Will you just deal?
Ten dollars.
Man's luck is
not to be believed.
- Nothing worse than a sore winner.
- Luck?
My openers. Luck has
nothing to do with it.
I win all the time because
my heart is pure. Right, Frank?
You're a vice-ridden degenerate.
I don't think you even have a heart.
Ooh! Frank, for a doctor,
that's a very serious diagnosis.
Now, now. We all know how
competent and dedicated Frank is.
That's why he and Hot Lips
spend every night together
in the examination room.
It so happens
that Major Houlihan and I...
are studying the treatment
of cardiac arrests.
I wouldn't mind making
a cardiac arrest on Hot Lips.
Her name is Margaret.
- Ooh!
- $2 4.50, Ho-Jon. What's the total?
Ah, $309.68, Hawkeye.
Keep those nickels
and dimes coming, gang.
You keep that up and I'm gonna
put your tongue in traction.
Why did you two
ever become doctors?
- Why did you become a doctor, Major?
- To meet girls.
It was the wish
of my dear mother,
the guiding force
of my life who--
The frame.
- Her sterling silver frame!
- Take it easy, Frank.
You stole her frame,
you... guys!
You've done some terrible things
before, but this is the worst!
You're... fiends!
- Margaret, I--
- Aaah!
- You look awful.
- Oh, Frank, what do you want?
My mother's silver frame
is gone.
Well, I didn't take it.
I'm not accusing you,
but it's gone!
You know how much
my mother means to me.
Oh, Frank, it's only a frame.
It's the principle. I feel...
violated. My own mother's picture.
To think that those animals
even laid their hands on it.
- Would you hand me my brushes?
- I don't think spanking them
will do any good.
No, Frank,
I'm gonna brush my hair.
One hundred strokes...
every night.
- It's getting late.
I might just stay for 50.
- Frank, my brushes?
- Where are they?
- On the night table,
where I always keep them.
My brushes! Where are they?
Where are my brushes?
- Margaret, control yourself.
- They're gone! Somebody took them!
Margaret, they're only brushes.
No, they're not!
My father gave those to me!
[ Laughing, Giggling ]
- Leslie?
- Yes?
Oh, is it mine?
Oh, Henry!
That's the fish you caught
last week. Your very first.
And you had it stuffed
just for me.
That's not all.
As a little token
of my admiration,
I sent to...
Tokyo for this.
Oh, Henry.
Oh, it's not--
It certainly is.
A Sato Tanaka
double-cammed reel...
with jeweled escarpment.
Oh!
Well, I can hardly wait
to show the girls.
Open it.
Oh, yes.
Henry.
It's gone!
- I've got post-op duty, Captain.
- Not for 26 minutes, you don't.
I'll check my alarm watch.
Hmm. Must have left it in the tent.
We'll make our own clock.
First, you put the big hand here,
and then the little hand there.
You're running a little fast.
[ Trapper ]
Hey!
What a day! I sewed up enough
people to make a crazy quilt!
Have you seen my watch?
It's Tuesday. It's 1 951 .
What more do you have to know?
I'd like to find my watch.
Ho-Jon, the elixir of life.
Drinks for me and my men,
and water for our horses.
Ah, where is it?
There it is.
Ahh.
Ahh.
Ah, the symphony begins.
The sultry saxophone
splashes of melody.
A subtle drum brush
for counterpoint.
The plunking
of cool harp strings.
And now...
the silver vibes
of the gentle swizzle stick.
[ Silence ]
And now, the silver vibes of
the gentle swizzle stick. Ho-Jon?
""Stizzle swick'' not here.
Who stole my ""stizzle swick''?
[ Everyone Chattering
All At Once ]
Everybody, will you keep it down?
We're trying to talk!
- Radar?
- Ten-hut!
Call everyone to attention.
At ease, men. Everyone, be seated.
I assume you read my notice
concerning our recent crime wave.
I would've read it,
but the notice was stolen.
I'm talking about the rash of thefts
that have plagued our camp.
- Our plague has a rash.
- That's the worst kind.
As it stated, in the interest
of morale and unity--
- Pass the salt.
- The-- Yes, of course.
The guilty party
need only return...
the stolen articles
by 1 900 hours tonight.
[ Chattering ]
Well, it is now 1 900 hours
minus 30 seconds.
The lights will now be...
- turned off.
- [ Everyone Groaning ]
And the aforementioned guilty party
may now return the things.
- [ Woman Screams ]
Trapper, stop that!
- Stop what? I'm over here.
- [ Mulcahy ] Ohh!
- [ Woman ] Oh, I'm sorry, Father.
That's all right, my child.
You couldn't have known. Thank you.
- [ Hawkeye ] You little devil.
- [ Hot Lips ] What are
you talking about?
- Frank, you little devil!
- [ Frank ] Oh, you're disgusting!
- Radar, is it 1 900 hours?
- I can't see the clock.
Then turn on the--
- Hey, my bag is gone!
- Mine too!
All right now.
Who took my spoon?
Somebody took my spoon!
[ Henry ]
I'm sorry to say this, folks,
but you have left me no alternative
but to conduct a tent-by-tent search...
which will start immediately
and continue until I unearth
the guilty party...
or parties, as the case
or, uh, cases may be.
No one will be excluded
from this grueling search.
I'm including myself, right down
to my right hand, Corporal O'Reilly.
Naturally I regret any and all
embarrassment...
this may cause
to whomsoever it does.
But you, that is to say
the guilty one of you,
have left me no other way
but to leave no stones...
or even shower unturned... on.
At ease, men.
- McIntyre?
- Yeah?
- What's in here?
- Soot, sir.
- Soot?
- Yeah.
I'll be the judge of that.
- Pierce?
- Yes?
Whose is this?
I'll give you three guesses.
Open it.
- Open it!
- Oh, Henry, don't be ridiculous.
If you want my opinion,
this whole--
This whole thing is not only
a complete--[ Laughing ]
...a complete waste of time,
it's also an insult to
the intelligence of everybody--
Why don't we have a drink?
Henry, this is crazy!
Actually, it's past crazy.
It's taken a left turn into ludicrous.
Look, if you will just tell me
what the joke is,
then we can let things get back
to abnormal around here.
Joke? You-- I don't have that
bizarre a sense of humor!
Oh! Now, weren't you the one
who sent General Barker...
the brownies
with the laxative filling?
-The court-martial forms, Colonel.
-Court-martial? Wait a minute.
What is this? You trying
to beat the four-minute frame?
Speaking of which, this goes
right back around my mother.
That is Exhibit ""A,'' Frank.
And you go into the stockade.
Yes siree, Bob!
- Right into the clink!
- You tell him, Frank.
- You know, I've never hit a woman.
- You put one hand on her--
I was thinking of you, Frank.
- Okay, let's knock it off.
- Let me know when you all
come to your senses.
Then we can find out
who really took the stuff.
I'm going to my tent.
Knock three times and stay out.
Pierce?
- If you would just sign right here?
- Come on, Major.
- He was caught with the goods.
- At least that's the way
General Barker understands it.
- You called Ge--
- I called General Barker.
Excuse me. I'll get my pen.
- Where is my pen?
- Pierce!
- He's done it again!
- Here's your pen, sir.
You left it on my desk.
- Thank you.
See what happens when you jump
to conclusions?
I say he should be kept
under constant surveillance.
- That's ridiculous.
- Why don't we get
the General's opinion on that?
[ Whistling ]
[ Whistling ]
[ Whistling Stops ]
Hiya, Radar.
What's up?
Nothin' much.
What's-- What're you up to?
I'm just lyin' around.
That's the way I feel too. You mind
if I just lie around with you?
Not if you use another bunk.
[ Whistling ]
Why are you staring at me?
I'm not staring at you. I'm just
looking in your direction, that's all.
That's a very fine distinction.
Hi.
How's it goin'?
Any wealthy patients check in?
What are you doin' here,
Radar?
Staring at me.
It's a new hobby.
- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.
One scalpel.
[ Man Over P.A. System ]
And now, a special dedication
to Captain Hawkeye Pierce:
""Someone to Watch Over Me.''
##
- Looking for me, Hawkeye?
- Not really.
- Have a seat, my son.
- Uh, may I help you?
- I've been hoping you'd stop by.
- Good.
Don't be deceived
by these trappings.
Underneath them,
I'm just an ordinary man...
who is as prone to temptation
as you are.
Would you like
to talk about it, Father?
You're overwrought.
It's quite normal considering
the burden you must be carrying.
Hmm. In other words,
you think I did it too.
I only know that given
our circumstances,
the best of us can behave
in erratic and irresponsible ways.
As with everything else,
it's all in here.
The dictionary?
Uh, hmm.
I did have a Bible here.
Thanks anyway, Father.
Hawkeye?
[ Man On P.A. System ]
Attention! Tonight's movie
is Les Miserables... rables,
the riveting tale of a man who
steals, and is relentlessly pursued.
Sort of like somebody
we all know.
- Barbara!Just the warm body
I wanted to see.
- Whoops, the other one.
Let's go down to the river and practice
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
I don't think so.
Lieutenant, I've always
admired your analytical mind.
You're one of the few people
who can see things clearly...
without emotion or prejudice.
- Let me ask you--
- I think you did it.
Let me rephrase the question.
How would you assess
my general character?
You're cynical and selfish.
When you're not in the operating room,
all you ever think about is
your own pleasure.
Don't sugarcoat it.
Give it to me straight.
I'm very disappointed in you, Hawkeye.
Not surprised, but disappointed.
Come on, Radar.
Let's call it a night.
It's the end of the trail
for you tomorrow, Radar,
'cause I'm putting an end
to all of this foolishness.
I know how to find out who's behind all
this, then it's everybody off my back.
Getting so a man can't talk
to his own shrub around here.
Oh, come on, Henry.
What have you got to lose?
If we can catch the person that did
this, you're liable to get a promotion.
- Or better yet, a transfer.
- A transfer?
Well, what do I have to do?
- This is just between the two of us.
- Yeah, yeah.
All right now,
listen carefully!
[ Hawkeye On P.A. System ]
Tomorrow morning the
supply chopper is coming...
with the equipment for me to lift the
fingerprints off the stolen articles.
[ Hawkeye ] Give me those articles
for one hour and we'll have our thief.
- Pierce, that stuff
is safely locked in my desk.
- What?
That stuff is safely locked in my desk,
and that's where it's gonna stay.
- Okay, Henry, if that's
the way you want it.
- That's the way I want it.
- [ Turns P.A. System Off] Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Why me?
[ Hawkeye On P.A. System ]
Attention, the following report
immediately to the mess tent.
Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake,
Lieutenant Leslie Scorch,
TrapperJohn McIntyre,
Major Frank Burns,
Major Margaret Houlihan,
Captain SpearchuckerJones,
Lieutenant Barbara Bannerman,
Corporal Radar O'Reilly.
What is it, an air raid?
What is the meaning of this?
Who called this meeting?
Look, I am
the commanding officer,
and I'm the only one
authorized to call meetings.
Good evening.
Thank you all for coming.
I trust you will forgive me for
disturbing you at this late hour,
but the time has come
to unmask the guilty party--
the perpetrator
of this bad practical joke.
We know who the guilty party is.
Why do you let him--
Contain yourself, Dr. Burns.
Remember the old adage:
""Methinks he doth protest too much.''
- Who does he think he is?
- The Thin Man?
You dislike me enough to wish me
transferred to another base,
preferably an enemy base.
But let us not forget
Major Houlihan.
Tough, ambitious,
yet greasy Major Houlihan.
Why think of only one culprit?
Why not a pair of sweethearts in crime?
You are sick!
Still another colleague resents me...
because of his consistent losses
at the gaming tables.
- The man's a fruit cake!
- And yet you, Lieutenant,
also had a motive of jealousy,
because I share my affections
among the ladies.
- You told me I was the only one!
- Ha!
Of course, my legendary prowess
with the fairer sex...
was cause for envy
on the part of... Dr. McIntyre!
Legendary? I've seen you
strike out in a geisha house.
Still, we must remember
that the thefts...
were committed
in several places,
indicating that the thief had
access to the various tents...
and was perhaps short enough
to go unnoticed.
There is only one man here
short enough...
to bathe in his own helmet,
right, Radar?
Me?
I'm not short.
Let us not overlook the possibility
of a mastermind...
who commands others to do
his bidding, right, Henry?
Ah, sign what, Radar?
I'm sorry, Pierce.
It's going very well.
A most perplexing riddle,
calling for the most ingenious
of solutions.
Thus I made it publicly known
that there were fingerprints...
to be found
on the stolen articles,
thereby tempting the criminal
to repeat his crime...
and retrieve his
ill-gotten booty,
or his ill-booten gotty.
Which he has done!
However, in so doing,
he has exposed himself.
Because I took the precaution
of treating the stolen articles...
with hydrochloric-alpha-terracin.
What's hydrochloric-alpha-terracin?
A chemical which is
at this moment...
coloring the culprit's fingernails...
blue.
Look... no blue.
Yeah, I know, there couldn't be.
I was bluffing.
Why, Ho-Jon? What did you need
those things for?
For money.
To bring my mother and sister
from our village up north.
To bribe the border guards.
I didn't think anyone would miss
their bits and pieces.
You're all so rich.
And your footlocker was
the safest place to hide things.
- Why didn't you just come and ask us?
- Yeah.
I didn't think you'd give me
bribe money. Bribery is dishonest.
Look, Ho-Jon,
if it'll help at all,
you can just keep the fishing reel.
I've got other brushes.
Oh, no. You're all too good.
I can't take your things.
- You took them before.
- Okay.
- I really had to twist his arm.
- That's settled.
Now do you have enough stuff to
bring your mother and sister here?
Oh, yes,
because I have money too.
How much money can you have?
Three hundred
and almost ten dollars.
Isn't that fantastic? This kid only
makes a couple of bucks a week,
but he's been putting aside
his nickels and pennies...
and stealing my poker winnings!
Oh, so I can bring my other sister
and my baby brother--
- Forget it, Hawkeye,
there's too many of them.
- Bring 'em all, that's fine.
I'll make you a martini.
I'm not short. I'm not.
I'm not short.
My mother
was a little short.
That's fascinating.
- Oh, it is, it is.
- Yes, yes, very definitely.
[ Mulcahy ] It was after
he returned to the garden...
that he discovered that
three of his apostles were missing.
Don't look at me.
I didn't take 'em.