M*A*S*H (1972–1983): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
Dateline: Korea, 1950 and the 4077 Mobile Army Surgical Hospital (M*A*S*H) and their personnel are located 3 miles from the front and the fighting. In "The Swamp," the tent shared by a few of the physicians, Maj. Frank Burns, Capt. Hawkeye Pierce, Capt. Oliver "Spearchucker" Jones and Capt. Trapper John McIntyre, Hawkeye and Trapper plot to raffle off a nurse for a good cause: to send their houseboy, Ho-Jon, to medical school in the States. Lt. Colonel Henry Blake, their commanding officer, tosses a temporary spanner into their plans and places the square Maj. Burns (and his sidekick, Maj. Margaret "Hotlips" Houlihan) in charge of the 4077. Hawkeye and Trapper are determined to have their hellacious fundraiser, but they know, to succeed, it will require a real shot in the arm...or somewhere in the anatomy.
##[ Man Singing ""My Blue
Heaven""InJapanese ]
##[ Singing Continues ]
[ Popping Sound ]
Fore !
Here they come !
- I don't hear nothin'.
- Wait for it.
[ Rotors Whirring ]
[ Man On P.A.]
Attention, all personnel.
Report immediately to admitting
ward and operating room.
Attention, all personnel.
Report immediately to admitting
ward and operating room.
This guy's got a rapid pulse !
He's in shock !
Get him down to O.R.
and give him first aid ! Let's go !
[ Man's Voice ]
Dear Dad. Hawkeye here.
You said I sounded a bit callous
about my job in my last letter.
Well, let me see if
I can put it another way.
At this particular
mobile army hospital,
we're not concerned with the ultimate
reconstruction of the patient.
We only care about getting
the kid out of here alive enough...
for someone else
to put on the fine touches.
We work fast
and we're not dainty,
because a lot of these kids
who can stand two hours on the table...
just can't stand
one second more.
We try to play par surgery
on this course.
Par is a live patient.
- Clamp.
- Clamp.
I'll debride the wound, then
we'll go in after the spleen, okay ?
Dish, clean that up for us, will you ?
Put some suction on that.
- Give me a clamp.
- Clamp.
Wanna play a little ""doctor""
after we're finished ?
- Hurry. I think we're losing him.
- Scissors.
Hey, Red, give us a little
cross action here.
Put in a fix, will ya ?
- Everything under control ?
- Uh, yeah, fine.
But if you don't move, I'm gonna
have to cut around your "" B"" cups.
I don't want a Kelly clamp,
Lieutenant !
- But that's what you asked for.
- Give me what I want,
not what I asked for !
Hey, Ginger,
put a clamp on his mouth.
You can show us all
your diploma later, Frank.
- That's enough, Captain.
- Oh, clever.
I can see well enough.
Now give me a sponge.
- I can't see a thing in here.
- Give me the retractor.
- Let me have a clamp.
- Which retractor?
- The biggest one you got.
- Get your seams straight.
Give me a clamp.
- Pierce!
- Hi.
Pierce, hold on !
Oh, lay off, Frank.
I just had a hard day at the office.
Your conduct in there was not
only unbecoming of an officer,
it was equally reprehensible
as a medical man !
Frank, I happen
to be an officer...
only because I foolishly opened
an invitation from President Truman...
to come to this
costume party.
And as for my ability
as a doctor,
if you seriously question that,
I'm afraid I'll just have to
challenge you to a duel.
Swords or pistols ?
I was thinking of
specimen bottles at 20 paces.
There are ladies present.
- Oh, sorry, baby.
- Major to you.
Oh, sorry, major baby.
You're both a disgrace
to this outfit.
Aw, come on, Frank !
We've all had 1 2 straight hours
of meatball surgery in there !
My brain is sending me
urgent rest telegrams.
You must be tired, too, after
all that malpractice you put in.
- You're dismissed !
- Thanks, Mother.
We gotta get up early anyway and fix
MacArthur's hernia. Come on, Mary.
Some nurse this guy had.
- Oh, yeah. Was that the one with the--
- Yeah, right.
The one I was
tellin' you about. Hi, Ho-Jon.
She came to me once
with a sore throat.
She didn't mind
my examining her tonsils,
but she didn't understand why
she had to take off her clothes.
- That's a woman all over.
- Best place for 'em to be.
Here.
Night, guys.
I've left a call for 1 967.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks, Ho-Jon.
All right. Thanks.
- Ah. Finest kind.
-Just like Mother used to make.
You know,
we gotta do it someday.
Throw away all the guns,
and invite all the jokers from
the north and the south in here
to a cocktail party.
Last man standing on his feet
at the end wins the war.
You guys got mail.
That's Hawkeye. Trapper.
I don't feel like mail.
Go ahead, open it.
They can't draft you again.
Bad news from my wife.
She still loves me.
Would you believe this ?
She still thinks I got sent
to Korea as part of some
secret plot to cheat on her.
- Well, didn't you ?
- Yeah, but how did she figure it out ?
Hey, Ho-Jon !
Come here.
Sit down. I got a letter
from Dean Lodge.
- Is that a good place to stay ?
- Ha-ha.
He's the head of my alma mater.
Listen to this.
""Dear Hawkeye,
as dean of the college,
I naturally remember
you very well.""
After my first autopsy,
I mailed him a nervous system.
""Your request to enter
the Korean boy, Ho-Jon,
""seems one of your
nobler gestures,
""and since his academic record
meets our requirements,
""we will be pleased
to accept him this fall,
"provided you can
get him here...
""and also send me $1 ,000
tuition before the 1 5th.
""It was good hearing from you.
""If you do to the army what you did
to this college, America is finished.
Yours sincerely--""
Etcetera, etcetera.
- Hot dog !
- Hey, that's terrific.
How can I ever thank you ?
You just go back there and become
the best possible you you can.
- I go tell my folks.
- Okay.
[ Sighs ]
Where are we gonna get
a thousand dollars ?
It's more like 2,000, you know,
with transportation
and clothing and everything.
He can stay with my parents,
so there's no problem there.
[ Muttering ]
Maybe we could sell Spearchucker
while he's asleep.
There must be something
we can sell.
What does everybody
want here ? What--
What do all these people
want more than anything else ?
To go home or, uh, Tokyo,
whichever comes first.
- What do they really want ?
- Sex.
- Ahh.
- 'Cept for those baseball perverts.
All right, we'll have Radar print
up some tickets, and you make up a sign.
Mind tellin' me what we're gonna
put on the sign ?
""All you can drink,
ten bucks a head.
""Giant door prize: weekend pass
for two in Tokyo.
"" Lucky winner
to share the company...
of a gorgeous nurse.""
You wanna raffle off
a nurse ?
Is that what I said ?
Yes, sir?
Radar ! Radar, don't do that.
Yes, sir.
You wanted to see me, sir ?
Yes, but let me say I want to
see you before I see you.
Yes, sir. You wanted to
see these, sir ?
- How did you know that ?
- That's why you called me.
Oh, yeah.
- You wanted me to take those, sir.
- Yeah.
Captains Pierce and McIntyre
to see you, sir.
Show them in. Men.
- How are ya, Henry ?
- How are ya, Henry ?
That's not what
you guys came to ask.
I mean, the last thing
you wanna know when you say,
"" How are you ?"" is how am I.
All right, Henry, let's skip the gristle
and get right down to the bone.
Now, what we want from you
is two weekend passes
so we can raise this tuition.
See, what we wanna do
is raffle them off,
along with the company
of one of our nurses...
whose heart and everything else
is in the right place.
Seems like
a good enough cause.
Why don't I trust you guys ?
- 'Cause we're not trustworthy.
- Yeah.
Yeah, maybe that's it.
How do I know
you're on the level ?
Which nurse have you
conned into doing this ?
Well, I haven't
approached her yet,
but there could be
only one choice.
A girl with a face
that doesn't quit.
A girl with so much body, she should
be continued on the next girl.
-[ Henry ] Lieutenant Dish.
-[ Hawkeye ] Lieutenant Dish.
-[ Henry ] Lieutenant Dish
will never agree to this.
-[ Hawkeye ] Oh, but she will.
Because inaccessible as she is
to everybody else in this cruddy outfit,
she's putty
in the hands of the master.
Hawkeye, that makes me crazy.
My lips were made
by Stradivarius.
[ Hawkeye ]
Dish, I have to ask you a favor.
[ Dish ] How many times
must I tell you ? I'm engaged!
[ Hawkeye ] I'm engaged too.
Think of me as a dress rehearsal.
[ Dish ]
Always sneaking up on me!
-[ Hawkeye ] Who sneaks up on you ?
- Psst.
[ Dish ]
You really thrive on rejection.
Hawkeye, I'm trying
to be faithful.
A girl can only take so much.
[ Hawkeye ]
Are we anywhere near that point yet ?
You said you wanted a favor.
Yeah, I'll tell you
after I finish my lunch.
Sickening.
Animals.
Here's $1 0
for Radar's ticket.
Ten dollars for
the Painless Pole.
And $1 0 for
the winning ticket.
You walk off with this raffle,
we're gonna be able to sell
tickets to your lynching.
Don't worry about it.
How are we doin' ?
Oh, around 600.
We're a little short,
you know.
Oh, well, we haven't given
everybody a chance to contribute.
- What are you doin' to Frank's gear ?
- Selling nickel-nose a ticket.
I know he wouldn't mind
if he were alive today.
What are you doin' there ?
I just wanted to borrow
your Bible, Frank.
Since when are you
interested in the Bible ?
I peeked at the end, Frank.
The devil did it.
Shut up !
You get off of there.
Don't get physical, Frank.
You'll blow your sainthood.
I've had just about as much
as I can stand from you two,
between your snide remarks
and your corruption of Ho-Jon...
and your-your-your turning
this place into a brothel !
- Hey, whoa !
- Wait a minute !
And a distillery !
Frank, I'm tellin' ya.
You drop that gin mill and your
head's gonna go in the shop.
Oh. Um, listen, guys.
I didn't know it was gonna break.
- Oh, that's okay.
- It's all right, Frank.
Don't worry about it.
Don't give it
another thought.
[ Shouting ]
- [ Shouting ]
- I thought he'd never leave.
Henry, you have no idea
what it's like...
to share a tent with a guy who
thinks he's all 1 2 disciples.
Be that as it may, if I don't do
something about this,
Frank'll report it to Hammond,
and he'll put my butt in traction !
And get your feet off my desk !
So I'm withdrawing the weekend passes.
You can forget about the party
and raffle business tomorrow night.
Henry, that's pretty
regular army of you, isn't it ?
It's just as well.
I have to go down and see Hammond
in Seoul for a few days,
and I wasn't any too happy about
the party taking place in my absence.
## [ Woman Singing "" Happy Days
Are Here Again"" In Japanese ]
[ Rotors Whirring ]
#Happy days are here again #
What's this ?
It's the weekend passes
for the raffle.
When did he sign these ?
When he thought he was ordering
a ton of ice cream.
Fudge ripple.
#Happy days are here again #
##[ Continues InJapanese ]
[ Man On P.A.]
Attention, all personnel.
Both day and night shifts...
will be confined to duty in the
admitting ward tomorrow night.
All other activities
are cancelled.
There will be no exceptions.
By order of the acting
commanding offiicer, Major Frank Burns.
##[ Singing Continues ]
- Captain, put that down !
- #Happy days are here a--##
What do you say, buddy ?
Morning, Frank.
- Morning.
- Hey, Frank, I'm glad you got here.
You wanna hear
something really wild ?
Come here.
[ Gasps ]
[ Hawkeye ] What's the matter, Frank ?
Frank's a little groggy.
[ Trapper ]
Yes. He needs a little rest.
[ Hawkeye ]
He's been so tense.
Sometimes rest is the best medicine.
There you go, Frank.
## [ Everybody Humming
"" Brahms' Lullaby"" ]
- [ Mutters ]
- [ Hawkeye ] What's that, Frank ?
- [ Mutters Again ]
- Okay, Frank.
Now let's see that this patient gets
all the rest he so badly needs.
I say he should be sedated
every hour on the hour.
- [ Mutters ]
-##[ Everybody Humming ]
## [ Big-Band Style ]
##[ Man Singing InJapanese ]
[ Chattering ]
Oh, you look good.
Hiya, Ho-Jon.
Hi.
Thank you.
You still haven't told me
how I get out of...
going away with the winner.
And why do I get the funny
feeling it's gonna be you ?
You don't trust me.
Not since the first time
I found you hiding in my sleeping bag.
May I have this shuffle ?
##[ Singing Continues ]
- Excuse me !
- Oh !
Excuse me ! Father.
Captain Pierce !
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
My dance card's all full.
- Where is he ?
- Who ?
You know very well who.
Major Burns !
He's been missing for hours!
- Oh, I thought you'd heard.
- Heard what ?
Frank's gone over
to the enemy.
They offered him $1 00 more a week
and a royalty on bedpans.
When I find him,
you'll be under arrest !
It doesn't bother me.
My spies tell me three
companies of Canadians...
attacked Hill 5 5
about an hour ago.
By midnight, this place'll
be flooded with casualties.
Personally, I don't plan
to work if I'm busted.
Well, you tell that
to Major Burns.
Look, Hot Lips--
Why don't you stop worrying
about Elmer Gantry ?
Grab yourself a partner and
give him a dancing physical.
Excuse me !
- Excuse me!
- You will live dangerously.
What could she do to us ?
General Hammond, please.
Tell him it's Major Houlihan.
[ Margaret ]
Major Margaret Houlihan...
from Fort Benning.
Major Houlihan ?
[ Crashing ]
Excuse me. Don't get up.
Yes, sir.
[ Party Guests Chattering ]
Frank ?
##[ Man Singing ""Chattanooga
Choo-Choo""InJapanese ]
Frank ?
##[ Singing Continues ]
Okay, okay.
Calm down, everybody.
First of all I want to announce that,
because of your generosity and thirst,
we raised over
1 ,800 bucks tonight !
And that means that Ho-Jon's college
career is off to a flying start !
Go, team ! Fight, team !
Yea, team !
Put that man in traction.
The next thing I wanted to tell you
is to get out your raffle tickets,
because this is when
the whole thing hits the fan.
Frank !
[ Rotors Whirring ]
And now, the incomparable
Lieutenant Dish.
[ Cheering ]
Star of stage, screen
and radiology,
will dip her sensuous claw into the bowl
and pick the lucky winner.
Here it is,
ladies and germs,
the name of the fortunate man
who will spend a glorious
weekend for two in Tokyo...
with the completely edible
Lieutenant Dish.
And the winner is...
FatherJohn P. Mulcahy !
Ten-hut !
It--
Do I understand that
the priest of this outfit...
has just won a weekend
with a nurse in Tokyo ?
- It's a prayer come true.
- Who are you ?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce.
Who are you, Sarge ?
What do you think
this star means ?
You're Tinkerbell ?
This is Brigadier
General Hammond,
Chief Medical Offiicer
of the Seoul Sector!
Oh, hi.
Which one here's McIntyre ?
Yo !
You and Pierce
are both under arrest.
I'd like to get
a second opinion on that.
[ Muttering ]
What's the charge, General ?
Breaking orders
by having this party.
- And handing out unauthorized passes !
- [ Groans ]
- [ Muttering ]
- The mummy strikes !
Major Burns, sir--
- Hamilton.
- Hot Lips.
- Hot Lips ?
- Hot Lips ?
Those two ! They're ruining
this war for all of us !
Get your M.P.'s, Henry.
On the double !
Come on, Henry.
You two are going to be
court-martialed.
- In Tokyo ?
- San Francisco ?
Right here is where
you'll be tried,
and right here is where
you'll serve your time.
Now get moving.
You're under arrest.
- I'm afraid we can't do that, General.
- No.
It's a good idea, though.
I'd do the same thing in his place.
- You can't do what ?
- Listen !
- What ?
- Wait for it.
Those helicopters you're about to hear
are gonna be filled with Canadians...
who went to
a different party tonight.
-[ Rotors Whirring ]
- Without us, a lot of those
kids are not getting home.
[ Man On P.A.]
Attention, all personnel.
Report immediately to admitting
ward and operating room.
General, look. Hey, you can
put us in the clink after.
But right now we got a job to do and
we're a little shorthanded around here,
and we can use
all the help we can get.
By the way,
how are your hands ?
- Steady ?
- No.
Dirty nails. Come on.
Let's get ready, men.
I got it.
There it is. I see it.
Okay, let me have
the suture.
Suture. Come on.
Let's go. Good girl.
- Suture. Sponge.
- Okay, we got it.
[ Sighs ]
Well, I haven't put in
a stretch like that for years, Henry.
Makes you remember what
you're all about, doesn't it ? Radar !
- Yes, sir !
- Damn it, Radar ! How many times--
Yes, sir. I've alerted the General's
pilot. He's ready to take off.
Now, I want you to alert
the General's pilot to be
ready to take off at any time.
- And that's an order.
- Henry.
Those two maniacs are
the best surgeons I've ever seen.
Made me feel like
a horse doctor in there.
Now make sure you don't
lose 'em, not even to me.
Yes, sir. You're not leaving now,
are you, sir ?
I've got to get back
to the base, Henry.
- Oh, I was hoping to give you
a box of your favorite--
- Cigars.
- Cigars.
- Oh.
Thank you, Henry.
Don't forget what I said.
Hey, where's he goin' ?
We're all set.
Forget it.
He was too impressed
to have you arrested.
We did it again--
screwed up in reverse.
I keep telling you, we gotta
give up this preoccupation
with keeping people alive,
or we'll never
get outta here.
- It's no use. We're doomed.
- Maybe we should start using
rusty instruments.
- Stop washing our hands.
- Raise our prices.
Hey. Hi, there.
I couldn't help noticing you in the
operating room. Great the way you did--
What do you mean,
it's too early in the morning ?
Hey, I liked your work with
the sponge this morning. Terrific.
[ Woman ]
#I will always be yours for eternity #
[ Man ]
Attention ! Attention !
The following personnel
are assigned to the 4077 th
Mobile Army Surgical Hospital.
Alan Alda.
Wayne Rogers.
McLean Stevenson.
Loretta Swit.
G. Wood.
Larry Linville.
Gary Burghoff.
Karen Philipp.
George Morgan.
Patrick Adiarte.
Timothy Brown.
Odessa Cleveland.
Heaven""InJapanese ]
##[ Singing Continues ]
[ Popping Sound ]
Fore !
Here they come !
- I don't hear nothin'.
- Wait for it.
[ Rotors Whirring ]
[ Man On P.A.]
Attention, all personnel.
Report immediately to admitting
ward and operating room.
Attention, all personnel.
Report immediately to admitting
ward and operating room.
This guy's got a rapid pulse !
He's in shock !
Get him down to O.R.
and give him first aid ! Let's go !
[ Man's Voice ]
Dear Dad. Hawkeye here.
You said I sounded a bit callous
about my job in my last letter.
Well, let me see if
I can put it another way.
At this particular
mobile army hospital,
we're not concerned with the ultimate
reconstruction of the patient.
We only care about getting
the kid out of here alive enough...
for someone else
to put on the fine touches.
We work fast
and we're not dainty,
because a lot of these kids
who can stand two hours on the table...
just can't stand
one second more.
We try to play par surgery
on this course.
Par is a live patient.
- Clamp.
- Clamp.
I'll debride the wound, then
we'll go in after the spleen, okay ?
Dish, clean that up for us, will you ?
Put some suction on that.
- Give me a clamp.
- Clamp.
Wanna play a little ""doctor""
after we're finished ?
- Hurry. I think we're losing him.
- Scissors.
Hey, Red, give us a little
cross action here.
Put in a fix, will ya ?
- Everything under control ?
- Uh, yeah, fine.
But if you don't move, I'm gonna
have to cut around your "" B"" cups.
I don't want a Kelly clamp,
Lieutenant !
- But that's what you asked for.
- Give me what I want,
not what I asked for !
Hey, Ginger,
put a clamp on his mouth.
You can show us all
your diploma later, Frank.
- That's enough, Captain.
- Oh, clever.
I can see well enough.
Now give me a sponge.
- I can't see a thing in here.
- Give me the retractor.
- Let me have a clamp.
- Which retractor?
- The biggest one you got.
- Get your seams straight.
Give me a clamp.
- Pierce!
- Hi.
Pierce, hold on !
Oh, lay off, Frank.
I just had a hard day at the office.
Your conduct in there was not
only unbecoming of an officer,
it was equally reprehensible
as a medical man !
Frank, I happen
to be an officer...
only because I foolishly opened
an invitation from President Truman...
to come to this
costume party.
And as for my ability
as a doctor,
if you seriously question that,
I'm afraid I'll just have to
challenge you to a duel.
Swords or pistols ?
I was thinking of
specimen bottles at 20 paces.
There are ladies present.
- Oh, sorry, baby.
- Major to you.
Oh, sorry, major baby.
You're both a disgrace
to this outfit.
Aw, come on, Frank !
We've all had 1 2 straight hours
of meatball surgery in there !
My brain is sending me
urgent rest telegrams.
You must be tired, too, after
all that malpractice you put in.
- You're dismissed !
- Thanks, Mother.
We gotta get up early anyway and fix
MacArthur's hernia. Come on, Mary.
Some nurse this guy had.
- Oh, yeah. Was that the one with the--
- Yeah, right.
The one I was
tellin' you about. Hi, Ho-Jon.
She came to me once
with a sore throat.
She didn't mind
my examining her tonsils,
but she didn't understand why
she had to take off her clothes.
- That's a woman all over.
- Best place for 'em to be.
Here.
Night, guys.
I've left a call for 1 967.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks, Ho-Jon.
All right. Thanks.
- Ah. Finest kind.
-Just like Mother used to make.
You know,
we gotta do it someday.
Throw away all the guns,
and invite all the jokers from
the north and the south in here
to a cocktail party.
Last man standing on his feet
at the end wins the war.
You guys got mail.
That's Hawkeye. Trapper.
I don't feel like mail.
Go ahead, open it.
They can't draft you again.
Bad news from my wife.
She still loves me.
Would you believe this ?
She still thinks I got sent
to Korea as part of some
secret plot to cheat on her.
- Well, didn't you ?
- Yeah, but how did she figure it out ?
Hey, Ho-Jon !
Come here.
Sit down. I got a letter
from Dean Lodge.
- Is that a good place to stay ?
- Ha-ha.
He's the head of my alma mater.
Listen to this.
""Dear Hawkeye,
as dean of the college,
I naturally remember
you very well.""
After my first autopsy,
I mailed him a nervous system.
""Your request to enter
the Korean boy, Ho-Jon,
""seems one of your
nobler gestures,
""and since his academic record
meets our requirements,
""we will be pleased
to accept him this fall,
"provided you can
get him here...
""and also send me $1 ,000
tuition before the 1 5th.
""It was good hearing from you.
""If you do to the army what you did
to this college, America is finished.
Yours sincerely--""
Etcetera, etcetera.
- Hot dog !
- Hey, that's terrific.
How can I ever thank you ?
You just go back there and become
the best possible you you can.
- I go tell my folks.
- Okay.
[ Sighs ]
Where are we gonna get
a thousand dollars ?
It's more like 2,000, you know,
with transportation
and clothing and everything.
He can stay with my parents,
so there's no problem there.
[ Muttering ]
Maybe we could sell Spearchucker
while he's asleep.
There must be something
we can sell.
What does everybody
want here ? What--
What do all these people
want more than anything else ?
To go home or, uh, Tokyo,
whichever comes first.
- What do they really want ?
- Sex.
- Ahh.
- 'Cept for those baseball perverts.
All right, we'll have Radar print
up some tickets, and you make up a sign.
Mind tellin' me what we're gonna
put on the sign ?
""All you can drink,
ten bucks a head.
""Giant door prize: weekend pass
for two in Tokyo.
"" Lucky winner
to share the company...
of a gorgeous nurse.""
You wanna raffle off
a nurse ?
Is that what I said ?
Yes, sir?
Radar ! Radar, don't do that.
Yes, sir.
You wanted to see me, sir ?
Yes, but let me say I want to
see you before I see you.
Yes, sir. You wanted to
see these, sir ?
- How did you know that ?
- That's why you called me.
Oh, yeah.
- You wanted me to take those, sir.
- Yeah.
Captains Pierce and McIntyre
to see you, sir.
Show them in. Men.
- How are ya, Henry ?
- How are ya, Henry ?
That's not what
you guys came to ask.
I mean, the last thing
you wanna know when you say,
"" How are you ?"" is how am I.
All right, Henry, let's skip the gristle
and get right down to the bone.
Now, what we want from you
is two weekend passes
so we can raise this tuition.
See, what we wanna do
is raffle them off,
along with the company
of one of our nurses...
whose heart and everything else
is in the right place.
Seems like
a good enough cause.
Why don't I trust you guys ?
- 'Cause we're not trustworthy.
- Yeah.
Yeah, maybe that's it.
How do I know
you're on the level ?
Which nurse have you
conned into doing this ?
Well, I haven't
approached her yet,
but there could be
only one choice.
A girl with a face
that doesn't quit.
A girl with so much body, she should
be continued on the next girl.
-[ Henry ] Lieutenant Dish.
-[ Hawkeye ] Lieutenant Dish.
-[ Henry ] Lieutenant Dish
will never agree to this.
-[ Hawkeye ] Oh, but she will.
Because inaccessible as she is
to everybody else in this cruddy outfit,
she's putty
in the hands of the master.
Hawkeye, that makes me crazy.
My lips were made
by Stradivarius.
[ Hawkeye ]
Dish, I have to ask you a favor.
[ Dish ] How many times
must I tell you ? I'm engaged!
[ Hawkeye ] I'm engaged too.
Think of me as a dress rehearsal.
[ Dish ]
Always sneaking up on me!
-[ Hawkeye ] Who sneaks up on you ?
- Psst.
[ Dish ]
You really thrive on rejection.
Hawkeye, I'm trying
to be faithful.
A girl can only take so much.
[ Hawkeye ]
Are we anywhere near that point yet ?
You said you wanted a favor.
Yeah, I'll tell you
after I finish my lunch.
Sickening.
Animals.
Here's $1 0
for Radar's ticket.
Ten dollars for
the Painless Pole.
And $1 0 for
the winning ticket.
You walk off with this raffle,
we're gonna be able to sell
tickets to your lynching.
Don't worry about it.
How are we doin' ?
Oh, around 600.
We're a little short,
you know.
Oh, well, we haven't given
everybody a chance to contribute.
- What are you doin' to Frank's gear ?
- Selling nickel-nose a ticket.
I know he wouldn't mind
if he were alive today.
What are you doin' there ?
I just wanted to borrow
your Bible, Frank.
Since when are you
interested in the Bible ?
I peeked at the end, Frank.
The devil did it.
Shut up !
You get off of there.
Don't get physical, Frank.
You'll blow your sainthood.
I've had just about as much
as I can stand from you two,
between your snide remarks
and your corruption of Ho-Jon...
and your-your-your turning
this place into a brothel !
- Hey, whoa !
- Wait a minute !
And a distillery !
Frank, I'm tellin' ya.
You drop that gin mill and your
head's gonna go in the shop.
Oh. Um, listen, guys.
I didn't know it was gonna break.
- Oh, that's okay.
- It's all right, Frank.
Don't worry about it.
Don't give it
another thought.
[ Shouting ]
- [ Shouting ]
- I thought he'd never leave.
Henry, you have no idea
what it's like...
to share a tent with a guy who
thinks he's all 1 2 disciples.
Be that as it may, if I don't do
something about this,
Frank'll report it to Hammond,
and he'll put my butt in traction !
And get your feet off my desk !
So I'm withdrawing the weekend passes.
You can forget about the party
and raffle business tomorrow night.
Henry, that's pretty
regular army of you, isn't it ?
It's just as well.
I have to go down and see Hammond
in Seoul for a few days,
and I wasn't any too happy about
the party taking place in my absence.
## [ Woman Singing "" Happy Days
Are Here Again"" In Japanese ]
[ Rotors Whirring ]
#Happy days are here again #
What's this ?
It's the weekend passes
for the raffle.
When did he sign these ?
When he thought he was ordering
a ton of ice cream.
Fudge ripple.
#Happy days are here again #
##[ Continues InJapanese ]
[ Man On P.A.]
Attention, all personnel.
Both day and night shifts...
will be confined to duty in the
admitting ward tomorrow night.
All other activities
are cancelled.
There will be no exceptions.
By order of the acting
commanding offiicer, Major Frank Burns.
##[ Singing Continues ]
- Captain, put that down !
- #Happy days are here a--##
What do you say, buddy ?
Morning, Frank.
- Morning.
- Hey, Frank, I'm glad you got here.
You wanna hear
something really wild ?
Come here.
[ Gasps ]
[ Hawkeye ] What's the matter, Frank ?
Frank's a little groggy.
[ Trapper ]
Yes. He needs a little rest.
[ Hawkeye ]
He's been so tense.
Sometimes rest is the best medicine.
There you go, Frank.
## [ Everybody Humming
"" Brahms' Lullaby"" ]
- [ Mutters ]
- [ Hawkeye ] What's that, Frank ?
- [ Mutters Again ]
- Okay, Frank.
Now let's see that this patient gets
all the rest he so badly needs.
I say he should be sedated
every hour on the hour.
- [ Mutters ]
-##[ Everybody Humming ]
## [ Big-Band Style ]
##[ Man Singing InJapanese ]
[ Chattering ]
Oh, you look good.
Hiya, Ho-Jon.
Hi.
Thank you.
You still haven't told me
how I get out of...
going away with the winner.
And why do I get the funny
feeling it's gonna be you ?
You don't trust me.
Not since the first time
I found you hiding in my sleeping bag.
May I have this shuffle ?
##[ Singing Continues ]
- Excuse me !
- Oh !
Excuse me ! Father.
Captain Pierce !
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
My dance card's all full.
- Where is he ?
- Who ?
You know very well who.
Major Burns !
He's been missing for hours!
- Oh, I thought you'd heard.
- Heard what ?
Frank's gone over
to the enemy.
They offered him $1 00 more a week
and a royalty on bedpans.
When I find him,
you'll be under arrest !
It doesn't bother me.
My spies tell me three
companies of Canadians...
attacked Hill 5 5
about an hour ago.
By midnight, this place'll
be flooded with casualties.
Personally, I don't plan
to work if I'm busted.
Well, you tell that
to Major Burns.
Look, Hot Lips--
Why don't you stop worrying
about Elmer Gantry ?
Grab yourself a partner and
give him a dancing physical.
Excuse me !
- Excuse me!
- You will live dangerously.
What could she do to us ?
General Hammond, please.
Tell him it's Major Houlihan.
[ Margaret ]
Major Margaret Houlihan...
from Fort Benning.
Major Houlihan ?
[ Crashing ]
Excuse me. Don't get up.
Yes, sir.
[ Party Guests Chattering ]
Frank ?
##[ Man Singing ""Chattanooga
Choo-Choo""InJapanese ]
Frank ?
##[ Singing Continues ]
Okay, okay.
Calm down, everybody.
First of all I want to announce that,
because of your generosity and thirst,
we raised over
1 ,800 bucks tonight !
And that means that Ho-Jon's college
career is off to a flying start !
Go, team ! Fight, team !
Yea, team !
Put that man in traction.
The next thing I wanted to tell you
is to get out your raffle tickets,
because this is when
the whole thing hits the fan.
Frank !
[ Rotors Whirring ]
And now, the incomparable
Lieutenant Dish.
[ Cheering ]
Star of stage, screen
and radiology,
will dip her sensuous claw into the bowl
and pick the lucky winner.
Here it is,
ladies and germs,
the name of the fortunate man
who will spend a glorious
weekend for two in Tokyo...
with the completely edible
Lieutenant Dish.
And the winner is...
FatherJohn P. Mulcahy !
Ten-hut !
It--
Do I understand that
the priest of this outfit...
has just won a weekend
with a nurse in Tokyo ?
- It's a prayer come true.
- Who are you ?
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce.
Who are you, Sarge ?
What do you think
this star means ?
You're Tinkerbell ?
This is Brigadier
General Hammond,
Chief Medical Offiicer
of the Seoul Sector!
Oh, hi.
Which one here's McIntyre ?
Yo !
You and Pierce
are both under arrest.
I'd like to get
a second opinion on that.
[ Muttering ]
What's the charge, General ?
Breaking orders
by having this party.
- And handing out unauthorized passes !
- [ Groans ]
- [ Muttering ]
- The mummy strikes !
Major Burns, sir--
- Hamilton.
- Hot Lips.
- Hot Lips ?
- Hot Lips ?
Those two ! They're ruining
this war for all of us !
Get your M.P.'s, Henry.
On the double !
Come on, Henry.
You two are going to be
court-martialed.
- In Tokyo ?
- San Francisco ?
Right here is where
you'll be tried,
and right here is where
you'll serve your time.
Now get moving.
You're under arrest.
- I'm afraid we can't do that, General.
- No.
It's a good idea, though.
I'd do the same thing in his place.
- You can't do what ?
- Listen !
- What ?
- Wait for it.
Those helicopters you're about to hear
are gonna be filled with Canadians...
who went to
a different party tonight.
-[ Rotors Whirring ]
- Without us, a lot of those
kids are not getting home.
[ Man On P.A.]
Attention, all personnel.
Report immediately to admitting
ward and operating room.
General, look. Hey, you can
put us in the clink after.
But right now we got a job to do and
we're a little shorthanded around here,
and we can use
all the help we can get.
By the way,
how are your hands ?
- Steady ?
- No.
Dirty nails. Come on.
Let's get ready, men.
I got it.
There it is. I see it.
Okay, let me have
the suture.
Suture. Come on.
Let's go. Good girl.
- Suture. Sponge.
- Okay, we got it.
[ Sighs ]
Well, I haven't put in
a stretch like that for years, Henry.
Makes you remember what
you're all about, doesn't it ? Radar !
- Yes, sir !
- Damn it, Radar ! How many times--
Yes, sir. I've alerted the General's
pilot. He's ready to take off.
Now, I want you to alert
the General's pilot to be
ready to take off at any time.
- And that's an order.
- Henry.
Those two maniacs are
the best surgeons I've ever seen.
Made me feel like
a horse doctor in there.
Now make sure you don't
lose 'em, not even to me.
Yes, sir. You're not leaving now,
are you, sir ?
I've got to get back
to the base, Henry.
- Oh, I was hoping to give you
a box of your favorite--
- Cigars.
- Cigars.
- Oh.
Thank you, Henry.
Don't forget what I said.
Hey, where's he goin' ?
We're all set.
Forget it.
He was too impressed
to have you arrested.
We did it again--
screwed up in reverse.
I keep telling you, we gotta
give up this preoccupation
with keeping people alive,
or we'll never
get outta here.
- It's no use. We're doomed.
- Maybe we should start using
rusty instruments.
- Stop washing our hands.
- Raise our prices.
Hey. Hi, there.
I couldn't help noticing you in the
operating room. Great the way you did--
What do you mean,
it's too early in the morning ?
Hey, I liked your work with
the sponge this morning. Terrific.
[ Woman ]
#I will always be yours for eternity #
[ Man ]
Attention ! Attention !
The following personnel
are assigned to the 4077 th
Mobile Army Surgical Hospital.
Alan Alda.
Wayne Rogers.
McLean Stevenson.
Loretta Swit.
G. Wood.
Larry Linville.
Gary Burghoff.
Karen Philipp.
George Morgan.
Patrick Adiarte.
Timothy Brown.
Odessa Cleveland.