Lucky Louie (2006–2007): Season 1, Episode 7 - Discipline - full transcript

So what happened there?

What do you mean?

Well, why did you
get all weird

when I put my finger
up your ass?

Let's, uh...
let's back up.

Why did you put
your finger in my ass?

I don't know.

We've been married for five years...
you've never done that.

Well, you know,
people do that sometimes.

Have you done it before?

Yeah, a lot.



Really?

You know, sure.
I'm a nurse, dummy.

- I do it to my patients.
- Oh.

And today
I was doing it and I thought,

"Hey, maybe Louie
would like this."

Well, I don't.

So please don't
do it again, okay?

Okay, so you don't
want anything put up your ass

but you wanna stick
your dick up mine?

Wait a minute,
who said that?

What do you mean?
Don't all guys fantasize

about fucking women
up the ass?

I don't.

Really? You don't?



No, I never understood that.

I mean, you're a millimeter away
from the greatest place on earth.

Why would you wanna go
in someone's dried-out little asshole?

Okay, you're kind of putting down
my asshole here.

I'm sure your asshole is fine.
I've never even seen it.

Yeah, well, you should.

Why?

Because I'm your wife.
You should see my asshole.

You should know
everything about me.

What if you needed
to identify me?

You mean... you mean
if you have an accident

where your teeth are destroyed
but your asshole survives?

All right, fine,
I'll take a look. Jesus.

- Well, now...
- Never going to happen.

"Lucky Louie" was taped
before a live audience.

Jesus!

Hey, Lucy.

Lucy.

What, Louie?

Lucy, I need you
to pick up your toys here.

No.

What do you mean, no?

I'm still playing with them.

No, you're not.
You're playing in there.

But those toys are
waiting meanwhile.

Lucy, I'm sick
of picking up your toys.

I play with my toys
and you pick them up...

that's my deal.

- Oh my God, who do you think you are?
- I'm Lucy.

Okay. Well, I'm your father,

and I'm sick of this crap.
Pick up your toys right now.

- I don't want to.
- Well, yes.

- No! No!
- Yes, do it right now. I'm not kidding.

Hey, come on,
she can pick up these later.

Baby, go get
washed up for dinner.

- Okay, sweets?
- Thanks, Mama.

Motherfucker.

- What?
- You just totally screwed me there.

Every time I get home, it's this.
I'm sick of all the yelling.

Lucy, that's Lisa's present
for tomorrow for her birthday.

Come on, you're messing it up.
Give it to me.

Give it to me.
Lucy, give me the present.

Lucy, Lucy,
look at me, look at me.

Stop unwrapping
the present now.

Okay, give me this.

- Give it... go away.
- Give it to me. It's mine.

- Go away. Go away, Lucy.
- Give it.

Louie. Jesus!
It's already ripped.

Here, honey, you can play
with this for a while,

but then give it to Mama later,
so I can rewrap it, okay?

Thank you, Mama.

You've gotta stop
undercutting me.

I'm not trying
to undercut you.

I mean, what is your problem?

I'm not the problem, she is.

The kid is a fucking asshole.

Louie...

that's awful!

Obviously, she's going
through something.

Yeah, tell me about it.
She used to be cute, now she sucks.

Stop saying that.

I will if she stops
being a fucking asshole.

Seriously, I never used to get
the babies-in-the-garbage thing,

but now I understand it.

I'm not gonna throw her
in the garbage.

She'd probably find her way home
and whine to you about it.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

I said to stop it.

Why don't you go play
with the other kids, huh?

I don't like them.
I don't like this party.

Lucy, that's not nice.
Sorry, Ellen.

So is everyone ready
for the pi?ata?

Yay!

Okay, kids, gather round.

Ready?
'Cause here we go!

Go ahead, Walter.

Yay!

And here's one for you, Lisa,
and here's one for you,

and here's one
for you, Lucy.

- I want more candy.
- No, Lucy.

- Lucy!
- Lucy, put it down.

Hey!

I'm so sorry, Ellen.
She's just excited.

Yes, well, this pi?ata
is very expensive.

It's from Mexico.

- Did someone say "cake"?
- Yeah!

- I want the cake.
- Wait wait wait.

Come on.
They didn't light the candles yet.

I want the cake! Let me see!

Hey, what are you doing
still here?

I took the day off
to spend with Lucy.

- Oh.
- Yeah, look,

I'm sorry that I didn't see
before what was going on,

but obviously, at the party
she was really acting out

and I'm staying here
because this behavior has gotta stop.

Good. Good,
so what are you gonna do?

Well, for starters,

I baked her a cake.

Uh, isn't that stupid?

I just don't think your yelling
is doing her any good.

What she needs is
some special attention, okay?

And I think it will do her a world
of good to have some Mama time.

- Mama.
- Hey, Lucy Boo, guess what?

- I'm gonna stay today all day.
- Hey, cake.

Yeah yeah,
Mama baked you that cake

- and later on we're gonna have some.
- Yay!

- Yay, good.
- I want cake right now.

Yeah, but buddy, we shouldn't
have cake for breakfast, right?

You said I could have cake.

Yes, later,

but right now how about
making you some nice eggs?

No, I want cake.

How are you doing?

Okay, you know what, Lucy?

Let's have some cake!

Wow...

- cake for breakfast, huh?
- Yeah, you know what?

I think that part
of the problem is

all she ever hears
from us is the word "no."

Okay? Every once in a while,
she has to hear "yes."

Cake, Mama.
Hurry up.

Yes yes.

Huh? Isn't this fun?

Aren't you glad that Mama
stayed home today?

It tastes like poop.

- What?
- It's poop. I don't like it.

Lucy, Mama made
that cake for you.

I baked it with love
and I gave it to you.

You gave me poop.

- Oh my God.
- Uh-huh.

You're right.
She's a fucking asshole.

Nice jacket, faggot.

Lucy. Hey, Lucy,
come put on your jacket.

- It's getting cold.
- No.

I don't even know where
to start with this discipline shit.

Where do you start?

You hit her.

That's a start and a finish.

I didn't know
you hit your kids.

Why would I hit my kids?

I love my kids.

Just seems like
you've got a rotten one.

So why don't you
kick her ass?

Your problem is
that you treat her like a kid.

They don't like that.
You gotta talk to them eye to eye,

like equals. You respect them...
they respect you.

- Papa, I want a juice box.
- Okay.

Hey, Lucy.
How have you been, all right?

You're ugly.

Hey,

are you all right?

Huh? Yeah yeah.

I wanna go home now.

Well, there's nothing wrong
with her eyesight.

Hey, guys,
can I talk to you for a second?

- What's that?
- Listen, uh...

we've been having kind of
a behavior problem with Lucy lately.

Yeah. Anyway, I just...

your Lisa is so great, you know?
She's so well-behaved.

How do you discipline her?

Lisa is naturally
well-behaved.

We haven't had
a problem with her.

- Oh.
- She has excellent judgment.

Her first word was "please."

Wow. Well, okay, thanks.

Hey.

- Timeouts.
- What?

When Lisa turned four,
she was a nightmare.

Now my daddy used to hit me
and I don't wanna pass that on,

so we used timeouts.
They work.

See, I get confused
'cause I thought I heard

- that those are bad now.
- No no, do timeouts.

Just put her alone somewhere, but not
in a bedroom... that's a vacation.

- Well, for how long?
- Just use her age.

So she's four...
do it for four minutes.

Geez, thanks a lot, man.

Hey, why didn't Ellen say that?

Okay.

So what do you two
have planned for today?

- I gotta take Lucy to the park.
- Mmm.

I don't wanna go
to the park.

Okay, where do you
wanna go?

Nowhere.

Lucy, why are you
being so nasty?

'Cause you're stupid.

Lucy?!

What did you say?

I said you're stupid,

very stupid.

Okay, Lucy.
Now say you're sorry.

I'm not sorry.

Lucy, if you don't apologize,
you're gonna have a timeout.

- What? Wait a minute.
- Don't.

I am...

What's a timeout?

It means that
you have to be alone

somewhere until I say so.

- I don't want to.
- Okay,

- then say you're sorry.
- No.

- Okay, here we go. Timeout.
- Oh, Louie.

- Can I just talk to you for one second?
- No, this is her timeout.

- I don't want a timeout!
- Well...

- too bad.
- Oh...

- l... I don't think this is a good idea.
- Honey, go to work.

Go to work right now.
I got this.

Just please go, now!

- Go.
- Okay, fine, I'll go.

Get back in there.
Get back in there.

- Get in, get in, get in.
- Let me go!

You know what?
I just wanna talk...

okay, please be nice.

I hate Papa.
Papa's bad.

I hate Papa.
I hate Papa.

Papa's bad.
Papa's bad.

I hate Papa.
I hate Papa.

Papa's bad.
Papa's bad.

I hate Papa.
I hate Papa.

Papa's bad.
Papa's bad.

I hate Papa.
Papa's bad.

I hate Papa. Papa's bad.

I hate Papa.
Papa's bad.

Papa's bad. I hate Papa.

I hate Papa.
Papa's bad.

Papa's bad.

Papa's bad.
Papa's bad.

I hate Papa.
I hate Papa.

Papa's bad.
Papa's bad.

I hate Papa.
I hate Papa.

Papa's bad.
Papa's bad.

I hate Papa.
I hate Papa.

Papa's bad.
Papa's bad...

Stupid Papa.
I'm not sorry.

Lucy?

Okay, Lucy,
your timeout is up.

So come out and say
you're sorry.

No, I don't wanna come out.

Lucy, your timeout
is over and...

Go away. The closet
is my house. I stay in here.

- Lucy, come on.
- Go away!

Jesus.

Lucy, your time is up.

- You gotta come out now.
- Only if I don't have to say sorry.

- Sure, it's fine.
- Okay.

No, wait wait wait.

You gotta say
you're sorry first.

- No!
- Then you can't come out.

I don't wanna come out.

What the fuck
am I doing?

Hey, man, listen, I ran
into a problem with the timeout.

Lucy won't come
out of the closet.

- The closet?
- It's...

Whatever. Look, it's just
that she's in there, she won't come out

and she hasn't said sorry yet.
I don't know what to do.

You put your child
in the closet?

Man, I can't help you.

Shit!

Lucy!

Lucy?

Lucy, unchain
the door right now.

Lucy,

what are you doing?

Lu... Lu...

Lucy, you un...
open the door right now!

I'm not kidding!

Oh, shit.

Hey...
oh, hi, Ellen.

Uh, can you help me out
with something?

Tell him to go away.

No, listen, man,
I just need to go on your fire escape.

- What?
- No, just... l...

- Lucy... l... the timeout...
- I don't care.

- Just go, please.
- Okay, good. Yeah, thanks.

Lucy. Lucy, stop eating
that ice cream.

Stop. I said stop
eating that ice cream.

Lucy!

No, don't go in the closet.
Don't go in the closet.

No no no, don't go in there, Lucy.

Argh! Oh.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Oh, God.

Come on, fellows.

- Hello?
- Hi.

Oh, hi.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, fine.

So how is it going
over there?

Really good.
Things are really going well.

Ugh. Louie, don't answer the phone
when you're taking a shit.

Sorry.

Oh, Christ.

Lucy, that was really bad.

You could have been hurt.

Oh, Lucy, I'm really mad
at you right now.

I'm mad at you.

Okay, so what are we
gonna do?

I don't know.

Are you gonna
come out of there?

No.

Do you wanna
come in here?

Okay.

Oh, Lucy,

I'm sorry.

This isn't your fault.

I'm supposed to know
how to do this

and I don't.

I think I really
screwed it up.

I'm sorry.

I love you, Papa.

Papa, can I have
more of this?

Sure. You want some more
veggies and potatoes too?

- No, thank you.
- Okay.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- How are you?
- We're great.

Good.

- So how is it going?
- Great.

Something great happened.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Okay, it started out kind of bad.
She locked me out.

I had to come in the window
and all this stuff...

- What?!
- Never mind. The important thing is,

we were... we were
in the closet together

and she...
we had this moment.

I just think we had
a breakthrough.

Wow, that's so great.

Lucy? Hey, Lucy?

Cut... cut that out.
What are you doing?

- I said I don't like it.
- Well, you don't just shovel it

- on the floor.
- Yes, I do.

After all that,
I didn't get anywhere with her.

Well, don't feel bad.
I didn't do any better.

I guess we just
got a shitty kid.

Man. Well, at least
she'll do all right.

I mean, assholes rule the world.

She'll probably
grow up and be rich.

Yeah, she'd better buy us
a big fucking house.

Hello, Lou.

- Is Lucy home?
- Why?

I'd like to speak to her, please.

Hey, Lucy.

"Lucy, when I saw you yesterday,

you said something
very hurtful to me.

I didn't like it
and it made me feel bad.

And I need you
to know that."

I'm sorry.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

She's a good kid.