Lucifer (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - BluBallz - full transcript

Did you hear something?

It's just the ocean.

You gonna bone all night?

Come back to the show, you sex fiends.

- All right, let's go.
- Whoo!

Come on!

Excuse us.

Thank you.

Whoa, you guys got here fast.

Wait.

Did you guys come together?



- Uh, no.
- Uh...

Totally unrelated,
can I talk to you for a second?

- Just... Yeah.
- Yeah, sure.

Okay.

Um, so... Yeah, we did.

Oh, my God, I... I didn't know
you two were a thing.

I mean, I mean, I'd hoped, but...

You two bow-chicka-wow-wow?

No, no. We just kissed.

- Mm-hmm.
- And then guess what?

You called, so here we are.

Decker, do you always answer your phone?

I just don't want my...

sex life discussed
in the workplace, okay? So...



Here we go.

- Okay, Ella, so what do we have?
- Mm.

Blue Ballz.

You, too?

No. Blue Ballz, with a "Z."

Fancy DJ headphones.

Also, our murder weapon.

Electrocuted poor DJ Matt Pexxa.

How does one get electrocuted
with headphones?

Oh, well, you see, um,
this tiny little silver wire

- coming out of the padding?
- Mm.

So, the current travels through the wire
and into his skin.

Now, you add sea air and his sweat,
perfect combo for maximum voltage.

Oh! That'd be a sick DJ name.

All DJs are sick, if you ask me.

So, any leads?

Well, we're not even sure
it's a murder yet.

I mean, it could just be
a wardrobe malfunction.

Wonderful. Can we go home, then?

You know what? Uh, hold that thought.

Okay, Pioneer.

Best mixers on the market, and...

Oh, here. The, uh...

surge protector, it's disconnected.

Surge protector, I see.

And, um, let's see here.
Well, looks intentional. It's a clean cut.

Someone sabotaged Pexxa's setup
before he went on stage,

and so that, with the live wire
in the headphones,

I mean, it's most likely murder.

Well, surely someone
must have seen something

before our charred DJ went to his demise.

Let's just question the witnesses,
and case closed.

Then we can all go back
to our previous engagements.

Well, um, we do have about
500 potential witnesses

that are all drunk,
and most likely very high.

So...

we're gonna be here a while.

See you out there.

Why is he still crying?

The doctor said he's fine.
It's just a phase.

You missed our coffee date.

Oh, my gosh, Maze. Is it morning?

I'm so sorry.

We've been up all night.

You're welcome to stay,
but it's kind of loud.

Pain and suffering.

Music to my ears.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay.

You have my undivided attention.

Is that a latte?

Okay. So...

Mm!

Okay, I'm sorry.

You must be going through a lot
with your mom.

No.

So she died in a shitty apartment
all by herself.

Sucks for her.

All I need to be is to not be her.

So how do I do that?

Use the blue pacifier!

I am!

- I'm sorry, Maze, what's the question?
- How do I not end up alone?

That is not an easy question to answer.

Try swaddling him!

Oh, what a wonderful idea!

You just have to find someone
to connect with.

I just scare everybody away.

Well, I'm still here, right?

So you just know that
when you find someone

that you're romantically interested in,

you just try not to be so scary.

You know, be more open,
emotionally available.

"Emotionally available."

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, okay, I'm so sorry. I have to go.

Huh.

- Oh! Jesus.
- Wait, I got you, don't... Sorry.

- Thanks. Old butterfingers, over here.
- Yeah.

Ah, don't worry.

I drop stuff all the time.

Oh, is that a 200-millimeter macro lens?

It sure is.

I picked up this bad boy last week.

That's some professional-level equipment.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, wait, you're...

You're LAPD, aren't you?

Yep, best job in the world.

You wouldn't be able
to give me anything over there?

- You mean, like inside scoop?
- Yeah.

Look, it's just...

This is my first real piece and I'm having
trouble finding any leads at all.

Look, I'm not allowed to give you
any real details, okay, but...

maybe if you use my name,
the media relations guy can help you out.

Thank you. Thank you.
So, what... what is your name?

- Uh, Ella...
- Uh-huh.

Lopez.

Got it. Hi, Ella.

- I'm Pete.
- Okay.

Um, you know, like...

Maybe as, like, a real thank-you,

I could take you out
for a drink or coffee or...

Uh...

I'm not really dating right now.

- Cool. All right, yeah.
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- Nice meeting you.

Thank you very much, Ella Lopez.

Yeah.

Someone's got the hots for our Miss Lopez.

Mm. Not my type.

No? Seems just like you,
perfectly adorable.

Exactly.

Not all of us can be

in the perfect relationship.

Yes, it is rather exciting, isn't it?

No, that's DJ Karnal!

I-I mean, I didn't know
he was headlining the show.

It must've been a surprise appearance.
That's so cool.

Yes, I must admit, he may be the one DJ

who has even a modicum of talent.

But then again,
his ludicrous name negates that.

I mean, "Karnal"? Really?

- Must everything be about sex?
- Chloe!

- Oh, hey, Jed!
- What, it's been like...

Hi!

A minute!

Uh...

It's so good to see you...

These are fun, aren't they?

Oh, hi.

- Uh, Jed, meet Lucifer.
- "Jed"?

Yeah, it's my real name.

What's yours?

Uh, Lucifer is his real name.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

So what are you doing here?

Well, this is a show.

I'm a DJ.

Right.

What are you doing here?

Well, this is a crime scene,
and I'm a detective.

- So you did it.
- Yeah.

I always knew you'd be a great cop.

How do you two know each other?

Oh, um, Jed and I dated.

Right.

Uh, casually. Yeah.

Long, long time ago.

Come on, Cherry Jane.

It wasn't that casual.

Um... Lucifer is my partner.

Yes, partner.

So are you still married to that guy Dave?

"Dan."

We're divorced.

Well, I never thought
he was good enough for you.

Only one man is.

So are you in a relationship?

Um...

Relationship?

Um...

No.

N... Not in a... a
relationship, uh, per se.

Well, it was really good seeing you again.

You, too.

Detective, we need you over here.

Okay. Excuse me.

So...

Oh, I gotta take this.

Bollocks.

You know, our first kiss was by the water.

You remember that?

Yes.

You know, about what I said earlier,
Lucifer...

Listen, I have dated guys at work before,

but, you know, people talk,
and I don't want that.

And...

this...

"us," you know, we...

We don't even know what this is yet.

Do we?

I suppose not.

Sorry, that was my manager.
Had to tell him I wasn't dead.

What do you mean?

Well, I was supposed to go on after Pexxa.

It's scary seeing another DJ die.

Makes you realize...

life's short.

Some not short enough.

Uh, do you know of anyone
who would want to kill Pexxa?

A... A crew member, maybe?

You think this was intentional?

Yes, we think that Pexxa was killed
with his headphones.

Pexxa's headphones?
He borrowed those from me...

this morning, right before the show.

He did?

Okay, were the headphones out of
your possession before the show?

No, I handed them straight to him.

What about your mixing board?
Um, Pexxa's surge protector was cut off.

No, we all use the same setup.

Are you saying
someone's trying to kill me?

Might I point out that
if no one else had the headphones,

how do we know you didn't kill
our poor disc jockey?

Right, um...

I mean, you do have an alibi
for before the show, yeah?

Sure, I was with my producer
the whole time.

Just... Just ask him.

Oh, we will.

Well, if you were the intended target,
you know, you're not safe here,

so best if you come with us.

Come on.

Ladies first.

God, I hate that guy.

They broke up right before I met Chloe.

But I always kind of felt like
I was living in his shadow, you know?

I don't know if it's the whole
"first love" thing or what.

I swear, there's a part of Chloe that will
never get over his stupid chiseled face.

Sorry, man.

There's no need to apologize.

The detective had a child with you,

and I've never felt
the slightest bit threatened.

You're right. He does have a stupid face.

Mm-hmm.

You know he tried to get back together
with Chloe when we first split up?

Look, I'm just saying,
watch out for that guy, all right?

I wouldn't put anything past him.

Okay, so we got a lead.

Jed's been receiving threatening emails
from a man named Raul Blanco.

Yeah, some ass-hat who's pissed
about my foundation

building low-income housing at the marina.

Of course he has a foundation.

Uh, Detective...

I've been thinking,
perhaps we dismissed DJ Dum-Dum

a little bit too quickly as the killer.

Lucifer, he has an alibi,

no motive, and trust me, I know him.

- Okay.
- All right.

All right, Lucifer and I
will go question Blanco,

and, well, you just stay here
at the precinct where it's safe.

Thanks, Cherry Jane.

What would I do without you?

- Hmm.
- Okay.

Bring it in.

Hey, Ellen!

Oh, hi, Maze.

You, uh...

You hittin' that?

Brimley?

No way, Jose!

He's happily married with five kids.

How do you do that, Ellen?

How are you so...

friendly?

I don't know.
I guess I'm just me, you know?

Ella.

Huh.

But I got to run to the lab.

Bye, Maze.

So, "Cherry Jane"?

Nickname from high school?

Embarrassing thing
your parents used to call you?

No, just Jed.

We went on a road trip once

and we came across this, um,
cherry stand, and, um...

Well, yeah. Never mind.

So Jed was your first love, then?

Oh, I see you've been talking to Dan.

Well, we were just kids,
and it was great, for a moment,

but it's in the past.

I'm over him, and... he's over me.

Yes, he's completely over you.

Put Karnal to bed!

Cherry Jane is the pits!

That's the guy who's been threatening Jed.

Cherry Jane is the pits!
Put Karnal to bed!

Raul Blanco?

If you're here to protest,
there's more signs around back.

No, we're here to ask you about Jed,

Karnal,

and the lengths you're willing to go to
to stop this community outreach program.

Look, I'm all for helping the homeless,
but I bring my kids here.

The last thing this community needs

is drug addicts and mental cases
roaming around.

- Yeah!
- Yes, there you were,

minding your own business,

when some musical interloper comes
into your life under false pretenses,

getting his grubby little DJ hands
all over it.

Exactly. And all these people
feel the same way.

- Yeah!
- Really?

May I? Thank you.

Do any of you know what zip code we're in?

Hmm.

And how about how much
Mr. Blanco paid you all to be here?

What? No.
What's she talking about?

I looked into you, Mr. Blanco.

Your youngest kid is 23 years old,

and the only thing
you're worried about protecting

is the reputation of your yacht club
down the way.

- Well, I...
- I know you sent threatening emails to Jed

right before you tried to electrocute him
on stage last night.

Last night?

I was here, protesting.

I'd never hurt anyone.

I just need Jed to move the shelter.

You know he works here, right?

The guy should be thanking me
for protecting this neighborhood.

Just last weekend, I caught
a homeless woman breaking into his place.

Chased her out of that gate.

Okay, so Jed said the last time he saw
his headphones was last weekend.

Well, why would a homeless woman
want to kill Jed?

Maybe she wasn't homeless?

Maybe she broke in
to tamper with the headphones?

She could be the one
who wanted to murder Jed.

Assuming anyone wanted to murder Jed.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Is everyone okay?

We need to stay back.

Well...

isn't this convenient for Jed?

His place blowing up? How?

Well, first someone tries
to electrocute him on stage,

yet "accidentally" kills someone else.

Now someone tries to blow him up,
yet fails again?

Either Jed is the luckiest target alive,

or he's behind all this.

Jed would be here right now
if we hadn't kept him at the precinct.

- Yet he isn't.
- He could have been blown to bits.

- Yet he wasn't.
- Why do you think he's behind all this?

Well, clearly he's orchestrating all this
to get close to you again.

- That's ridiculous.
- Is it?

Electrocuting a colleague?

Blowing up his own studio?

No one would go that far
just to be near me.

Well, I did go to Hell and back for you,
twice, but who's counting?

Lucifer, are you jealous?

Jealous?

Of a man-boy who scratches records
for a living? Now who's being absurd?

I'm simply saying how convenient it is
for DJ Dingus

that any and all evidence
that could have been in that studio

is now completely destroyed.

- Wait, maybe not all of it.
- Hmm?

Blanco, he said that
the woman who broke in,

she escaped through that gate.

Maybe we can pull some prints.

Over, over,

and tuck, right?

Yeah.

- Yeah, but...
- Looks right to me.

Every time, his arms just
keep popping out everywhere.

At first I thought it was because
he had some sort of super strength, but...

then he couldn't even hold up his rattle,
so I don't know, maybe not.

The crazy things
we think our kids can do, huh?

I just...

can't seem to do anything right.

Come on.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Look, what I'm saying is,

everybody gets it wrong.

Not Linda.

Linda always knows what to do,
and I'm always in the way.

Ah, I'm sure Linda feels just as clueless
as you do.

What's important is that you care,

and you're trying your best.

I suppose so.

Still, it would be nice if I could get
Charlie to stop crying just once.

Well, I have faith in you, pal.

Thanks for being such a great friend, Dan,

and for taking the day off to help.

Well...

wasn't entirely selfless.

I couldn't stand another minute
around Chloe's ex.

The guy's perfect.

He makes me feel
so bad about myself, you know?

And I kind of already do that enough
on my own.

What are you talking about?

You're a great guy.

Hey.

Great cop, great dad.

And your hair, it's so high.

Thanks, man.

There are things you don't know about me.

Things I've done.

And no matter how hard I try...

I just don't think
I'll ever make up for them.

Listen to me, Daniel.

We all have our demons.

Myself included.

But believe me when I say this...

I know evil.

And you, my friend, are not it.

Okay, so we're looking for
Belinda Roberts.

Ella pulled her prints off of Jed's gate.

A park ranger said her car's been here
over a day, so she's probably hiding out.

Great. Let's just find her so we can
finally be done with this case.

So you're finally over the idea
that Jed's behind all this?

Of course not. Once we find
this Belinda woman, Jed's co-conspirator,

we'll get her to prove he's involved, and
then we can all go back to life pre-Jed.

Oh.

Well, I was hoping we could, um, solve
this case, uh, before the sun goes down.

Like I said, sooner rather than later.

Stop!

One more step and you'll die.

- Detective!
- Oh!

Careful. I know how to handle snakes.

There...

Careful.

- Is it...
- No!

Do you know how long
I have been waiting for copulation?

You and me both.

Clearly you're not aware

of how rare sound recordings
of rattlesnake sex are.

Well, it's not my strong suit, no.

Their foreplay is incredibly intense.

And if things go well,

their sex can last for days.

Huh.

But you ruined it.

Listen, we're here to ask about Jed Moore.

Karnal.

We know you broke into his studio.

I don't have anything to say about that.

Listen to me, Miss Snake Pervert.

What did you desire from Jed?

I want him to pay.

Pay you for helping him
fake his murder attempts?

Wait.

Murder? No!

He owes me for sampling
my sound recordings.

His song, "Otter Vox,"

relies heavily on my otter sex recordings,
and I have not been compensated.

Well, that sounds like motive.

What were you doing in his studio?

I was planting recording devices.

I was trying to record proof
that Karnal stole my tracks.

Well, that is where we'll find proof
that Jed is behind all of this.

- Or of who the real killer is.
- Mm.

Hey.

Hey. Good news.

We found a woman
who broke into your studio

and planted some secret
recording devices last week.

That's good news?

Well, we're hoping that
it will identify the killer.

Whomever he may be.

Hmm.

Hey, what's with all the gift baskets?

Oh. They're from my fans.

They found out my place blew up,

and they've been sending me stuff
from all around the world.

It's crazy how devoted they are.

Devoted to you? Yes, that is crazy.

Crazy.

Wait, do you think one of your fans
could be behind all this?

Oh, I doubt it. They're harmless.

Though I have heard of
a few really obsessed ones

chatting on a message board,

but I've never had a problem.

That you know of.

I'm gonna look into it. You stay put.

Speaking of,
I am getting a little stir-crazy here.

Oh.

Well, I mean, you still have to be safe.

You could stay...

Cherry, are you inviting me to stay at...

My place. Yes.

Yes, that's exactly
what she's suggesting.

Excellent idea, Detective.

It's like you're reading my mind.

- Hmm.
- Huh.

Great.

Shall we?

Sure.

Nice digs.

Mm. Appears we have similar tastes.

Yeah, I still can't believe
I have to be here.

I mean, this whole thing is just...

It's crazy.

Almost as crazy as if it had been
concocted by a madman to, say,

lure back an old flame.

Which is also pointless,
because the detective is spoken for.

Wait, are you talking about Chloe?

- Mm-hmm.
- She said she wasn't in a relationship.

Well, she is.

Oh.

I get it.

You're interested in her.

I'm not interested in her.

The detective and I are seeing each other,

which is why your little ruse
is not going to work.

Listen.

Chloe's amazing.

I don't think I ever really got over her.

I named my foundation after her,
for God's sakes.

I know.

But you do start to wonder.

I mean...

could she really be
as amazing as I remember?

Then when I saw her this morning...

Oh, man.

My memory didn't even do her justice.

All those feelings came flooding back,
and I started to wonder...

You know, maybe this is fate.

But if you think I would kill Pexxa

and blow up my own studio
just to get her back,

dude, you are even crazier about her
than I ever was.

What are you doing?

Just making sure. Tell me...

What is it you truly desire?

I...

I wish I hadn't screwed things up
with Chloe.

Ah-ha! I knew it! Admitting to motive.

No. I mean, yeah, I wish Chloe
hadn't dumped me, but I just...

Wait.

She dumped you?

Yeah.

Everything was fine, and then
all of a sudden she just called it off.

So she just changed
how she felt about you without...

without any warning?

Yeah.

Pretty much.

- It sucked.
- Right, then, Jed.

I am going to need to know
exactly what you did wrong

so I can steer clear
of your every mistake.

Now...

start talking.

I mean, even though we're just looking
at last weekend,

when Jed left the headphones unattended,
still...

Oy, so many sounds.

I mean, you'd think
a DJ would want a quieter studio.

Anything on your end?

Listen to this. So, Karnalgirl506.

"I left my whole world behind
for you, Jed,

and now so will you.

I missed you at the show,
I missed you at your studio,

but you won't get away next time."

Wow, sounds ominous.

Yeah.

That sounds like motive and opportunity.

This Karnalgirl506 could be our killer.
Definitely female.

Maybe a jilted sexual partner?

Great. Now you can go.

I can finish up this audio scrubbing
on my own.

What do you mean, "go"? Go where?

To Lucifer's.

I thought you guys were gonna finally,
you know,

hang out tonight. Mm.

Yeah, well, it...

Got postponed.

Oh, you're nervous that
you won't measure up in bed.

I mean, he is pretty experienced.

I mean, I'd put it, like,
in the thousands, probably.

But you know what, you got this.
You totally got this. You're sexy.

That actually hadn't crossed my mind.

Oh, you're waiting on an STD check!
Super smart.

No, I... It just...

Listen, Ella, he canceled.

I guess he'd rather spend time with my ex
than hang out with me, okay?

Yeah, that's worse. Like, way...

- Shh!
- I mean...

Listen.

Do you hear that?

Sounds like someone's inside.

Wait, I've heard that sound before. BRB.

Be right back.

See, Chloe loves a mystery.

We started out as friends,
both aspiring artists.

We even worked together.

I always wanted to be with her.

Possibly relatable. Continue.

In hindsight...

That's when the relationship
was at its best.

Better without sex?

Not relatable.

Seriously, all that
unresolved sexual tension,

the "Will they, won't they?"
It kept her hooked.

Then we became a couple and...

just lost interest.

Oh...

Lacking in the bedroom department, I see.

Well...
that won't be a problem.

No, man, the sex was great.

- I mean, like, really great.
- Mm.

- Amazing, actually. The stuff she can do...
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it.

But, just... It wasn't enough.

It was the lack of mystery that did us in.

And my mistake...

Was wearing my heart on my sleeve.

Too much of an open book.

Really? 'Cause I've been in therapy,
so I'm, you know, bit of an expert,

but I believe that talking
about one's emotions is... good? No?

No, see, Chloe looks at everything
like a case that needs to be solved.

- Mm.
- What I didn't realize was

when she solved me...

figured me out...

she was done.

'Cause underneath the handsome,
the sexy, the fun...

Mm.

It's just me.

So she moved onto the next mystery.

And you know, I don't blame her.

Should have played it closer to the vest,
but I...

I was just so naive, you know?

Huh.

Oh!

Speak of the devil's girlfriend.

Um...

How's that for mystery?

Hey, Lucifer. Uh, listen,

I'm just calling to make sure
everything is okay, and, um...

I-I need to talk to Jed about
any crazy fans that he knows of,

so just please call me when you get this.

Shoot.

Oh, that was fast, Ella.

You changed your pants, shirt, face.

- Oh.
- Hey, Maze.

Oh, my God, I have that exact same shirt!

Yes, you did!

Wait. Did you steal my clothes?

Oh!

I'm confused.

I understand how you feel...

Ella.

Oh! You got my name right!

- Should I even ask?
- Oh, ask away.

I am completely open
and emotionally available now,

just like my good friend Ella.

Aww.

Okay, so you're acting like Ella, and...

You know what? Never mind.
Real Ella, what do we have?

Uh, that beeping sound, right,

threw me back to dinner
at my abuelita's.

I mean, the old lady is deaf as a squid.

From the phone to the doorbell,
to the smoke detector,

her place is full of noises
the woman can't hear.

- Abuelita.
- Exactamente.

Like this one time at my quinceañera,

- she didn't even know...
- Ella.

Right, right. So I did some digging,

and this beeping comes
from a hearing aid with low battery,

a digital ITE hearing aid, to be exact.

Just like the one my deaf abuelita wears.

- So the killer's an old lady?
- No, not necessarily.

Loud music can damage hearing.

So maybe Karnalgirl506
might wear a hearing aid.

Exactly.

Ever plan a rave?

Amenadiel?

What's up? What's the emergency?
Is Charlie all right?

Charlie's fine.

Charlie's the same.

It's Linda that's the problem.

She just handed me the baby and left.

Well, what'd you do?

I just said what you said.

That it's okay that she gets it wrong
all the time,

and it's perfectly natural that she's
so clueless because no one ever...

Oh.

Okay.

Right, I... I see what happened there.

Mm-hmm.

Where'd Linda go again?

Yay!

Yes, yes, yes! Come, come, come.

I'm sorry.

You know, I'm good.

Uh...

Linda, I'm not quite sure
why Maze called you,

but like I told you, this is a sting.

Oh! I thought you said vodka.

I invited her 'cause, you know,

girls' night, lady love, bonding?

Yeah! Whoo!

Right, okay, so first,
start with dancing, then more dancing,

then bring it home with a classic
girls' night bar fight.

Yeah!

Time out.

Ladies, let me remind you
that there is a killer here.

As long as that killer doesn't cry,
spit up, or wet themselves,

I am in. All right, good,
I'm gonna find him.

All right, how do I help? How do I help?

All right, let's do this. Let's split up,

and remember, we're looking for
a girl with a hearing aid.

We're on it. We're so on it.

- Come on, Maze.
- Yeah!

Okay, not that I mind
being your date tonight.

Au contraire.

I am stoked to be with adults.

But where's Lucifer?

Uh...

Yeah, that's... That's a good question.

Um...

Well, we just had to do this sting at Lux
without him, you know?

All right. Hearing aid. Let's go.

Hearing aid!

Can I get another drink, please?
Thank you! Thank you!

Who's a big boy?

What are you doing?

I have been trying
to soothe Charlie for...

It's...

- What time is it?
- I don't know. I don't know.

And I'm helping out because
I'll do anything to avoid that ass-hat...

Jed! What's up?

How you doing, man?

This is making it worse.

Hand it to me, jeez.

What are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be involved
with the sting over at Lux?

I don't know anything about a sting.
I'm here because I'm being mysterious.

Well, the last place the detective would
expect to find me is with a baby, so...

here I am.

That still doesn't
answer my question.

But if you're going to stay...

You have any ideas how to stop this?

Have you tried whiskey?

I love your hair.

Oh!

Your piercings, they're amazing.
They look so, so comfortable.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Bad boy alert.

Focus.

Hearing aids. Hearing aids, yeah.

Oh!

Love your lobes.

So I can't go back to that manicurist
no matter how colorblind she is,

because these nails are not for charity.

Would you, uh, like a...

screwdriver, Karen?

No.

I have this reoccurring dream
where I open the fridge,

and the only thing that is there

is orange juice.

Fascinating.

Got milk.

Not that milk, Lucy.

You're doing it too fast.

You're still doing it too fast.

Hand him over.

- Be my guest.
- Watch.

Shh... Shh... Shh...

You see?

Nice.

This is how I did it
when I had a baby, you know...

with Chloe.

So what's this sting
you were talking about?

Chloe's putting on a show over at Lux
to draw out the killer

with you as the headliner.

Wait, then shouldn't I be there?

It's too dangerous.

And Chloe's tough enough
to handle it on her own, so...

Damn.

I have a birthmark shaped like
a pineapple. Do you want to see it?

No.

I mean...

sure, I would love to.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, my ex thinks it looks gross, too.

What are you doing?

What?

Oh, I finished my section.

No hearing aids.

So you thought you'd find one
in that guy's mouth?

What about you, Maze?

Okay, you've been talking
to the same person the whole time.

Karen and I have had a very long
and meaningful conversation.

I feel connected to her already.

Yeah.

And every annoying detail of her life.

Oh, my God, Maze.
I know what you're doing, okay?

And pretending to be me is stupid.

I... I am clearly no role model.

I'm just a magnet for losers.

- Bitch.
- See?

Well, I was just you for two full hours,

and being genuinely nice like that...

literally the hardest thing
I've ever done in my life.

But maybe you're right, Ella.

If all you think you deserve
is some loser like that...

maybe I should learn from someone else.

Okay, the last girl to be checked
is barfing in the stall.

Some people don't know how to drink.

Okay, so you've had sex with Lucifer.

Okay, um...

Yes,

but that was a long time ago.

Right, I-I mean, I know
he's slept with a lot of women.

Tons.

And men.

Right, which I-I-I completely accept,

but you know, sleeping with the Devil,
it must be different somehow, right?

Well, it's not like he has
a forked penis or anything.

Oh, he doesn't?

I mean, it's totally normal.

I mean, well...
I mean, way, way above average.

I mean, it's perfect.

Seriously, sex with Lucifer
is the last thing

you should be worried about.

What you should be worried about is
that he's unfathomably narcissistic,

utterly terrified of intimacy,

and sabotages everything good
that ever happens to him.

So essentially, he's the oldest,
most immature person in the world.

Nay, "universe."

I... Oh, hold on.

Oh, it's Ella.

Okay, so Ella says they finished
checking their half of the bar.

No sign of a hearing aid.

Oh, shoot.

If our killer isn't here,
who knows where she is.

So I'm going to call Lucifer
and see if he still has eyes on Jed.

Dude, did you just throw your phone
out the window?

- Mm-hmm.
- Jeez, you're such a weirdo.

Oh. It's Chloe.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Hey, what's up?

That sucks.

Yeah, Lucifer, he's...

Uh, I don't know.

I don't know where Lucifer is right now.

Yeah, yeah. I'm positive Jed's safe.

Mm-hmm. Okay, bye.

What the hell, man?

Well, you see, Daniel,
the detective is a detective.

So, I'm being a mystery.

That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.

Jed explains it much better,
don't you, Jed?

Huh.

Looks like you just got played, son.

What are you talking about?

Jed's after Chloe.
I told you to watch out for him.

I mean, come on, it's obvious that
he's trying to get between you two

so he can swoop right in.

Jeez.

I'll go see if I can catch him.

What's wrong?

I've been manipulated, brother.

By that mewling little DJ.

Okay, calm down, Lucy.

It's bad enough when Father does it,
but that little cretin!

- They could be right outside.
- Good!

Jed can see who he's really playing with.

That's odd.

Do it again, Lucy. Do it again.

Yeah, yeah. Do it again.

- Jed isn't out here!
- Lucy, stop!

I'll call in a BOLO.

Who knows where he went.

I'll find him.

Jed may have manipulated you, brother,

but you let him.

You're right, I suppose.

Also, I need you to help me
to get Charlie to stop crying.

It's just ringing.

I'll just try him again.

You know what?

This is so selfish.

- Yeah.
- I don't know, what, is he ghosting me?

What's up, everybody!

This song goes out to a special lady.

Cherry Jane, this one's for you.

He's not supposed to be here.

I know.

But Chloe said that the killer's not here,
right? So he should be safe.

I mean, she looks majorly scary.

That's Karen.

Yeah, well, maybe Karen is Karnalgirl506.

She didn't have a hearing aid.

Well, maybe she just didn't wear it.

Wait, does she have a gun?

Oh, my God, she's going.

Ow!

Maze, what the heck?

I just wanted to take a selfie!

Are you Karnalgirl506?

Yeah.

Ron? Ron, what are you doing?

Yo, man, what...

- We can work this out. Just calm down.
- Tell them!

Tell them what you did!

I have no idea what you're talking about.
I don't know who you are.

But you know who she is.

LAPD. Put down the gun.

No!

They need to know.

He's a homewrecker.

- It was just one night.
- One magical night!

I didn't even know she was married.
She didn't say anything.

You don't need to do this, Ron.

Yes, I do.

She broke my heart.

I messed up with the other DJ,

and then with the explosion.

I'm not gonna screw up this time.

Look, your wife, she...

She disappeared on you.

Completely ghosted you.

- I love her more than anything.
- Yeah.

And she left me for this stupid,

hot,

charitable DJ.

It doesn't mean you have to kill anyone,
Ron.

All my friends gave me a hard time
for not doing anything about it.

For letting her just walk all over me,

and they were right!

Ron.

Listen.

You let your friends get into your head.

You should have just talked to her.

I get it.

I've been there,
but you have to tell her how you feel.

That sometimes she drives you crazy,

that she can be incredibly challenging...

and headstrong and frustrating...

but also...

incredible.

And that, despite everything...

you...

you just want to be with him.

Her.

Her.

Ron. Ron...

you're not going to be able to tell her
anything if I have to shoot you.

So put down the gun.

Put it down.

Put it down.

Please.

It's just so heartbreaking.

Yeah, it's so...

Oh, God, who am I kidding? I don't care.

Wait.

Where's Linda?

Oh.

Thanks.

I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but...

thank you for saving my life.

I can't believe I'm going to say this,
but just doing my job.

That's all it is, isn't it?

What do you mean?

I'm pretty sure all that talk about
"tell them how you feel"...

wasn't about me.

I mean, the thing is,

Lucifer and I are...

something.

But it's...

It's new and it's complicated.

How so?

Oh, trust me.

It's complicated.

Well, it didn't sound very complicated
when you were talking back there.

I believe the word you used was...

"incredible."

So I'll send everything
over to ballistics, and it's "Karnal."

Oh. Hey.

Thanks, Sam. We're good here.

Twice in one day.

What are the chances of that?

I didn't know you were gonna be here,
I swear, but, yeah.

I hoped.

Do you want to go out with me?

- Really?
- Yeah.

Thank you. I mean, great. Yes, yes.

- That'd be great. That'd be...
- Okay, I'm just...

cool.

Look at that.

Breaking news, local journalist gets
cute girl's phone number.

Ah, jeez, for Pete's sake.

- See what I did there?
- I see what you did there.

He seems nice.

I think he actually is.

But so are you, Maze.

Well, maybe not nice, but...

good.

You don't think I'm scary?

Oh, I think you are hella scary.

But...

it's good scary, because it's you.

And I know when you finally show someone
how absolutely amazing you are,

you're going to find your soulmate.

You can't find a soulmate
if you don't have a soul.

- Well, case is closed.
- Shh!

Sorry.

I just got off the phone with Chloe.
Jed's finally out of our hair.

The killer was
Karnalgirl506's jilted husband.

I should have been there.

Instead, I let DJ Dickwad get
inside my head.

Yeah, how did that happen?

I've never known you
to be the jealous type.

Please, I'm not jealous.

Mm-hmm.

It's just, she's so...

This whole relationship nonsense...

How am I supposed to know
what she's thinking?

That's man's eternal question, bro.

We haven't even had a proper chance yet.

I can't mess this up.

Look, I know you two are useless
when it comes to women,

but Daniel, you, surely,
should have some sort of

self-help mumbo-jumbo advice for me?

You want my advice?

Sadly, yes.

Stop asking people for their advice

and just go talk to her, man.

It's my turn, isn't it?

No...

We can take it from here, Dan.

Wait, you sure?

Yeah.

I mean, you've already helped out so much.

I'm out of here. I'm exhausted, guys.

Hey, man, what's up?

Daniel, is it too
late for you to come back?

I'm so sorry. You forgot something.

All right, man. I'll be right there.

Fantastic.

Idiot.

Well done, brother.

Well done.

Detective.

- Hi.
- I was going to call you,

but I seem to have misplaced my phone.

So I was just coming to see you.

- Oh!
- Yes.

Uh, come in, please.

Have a drink... if that's what you want.

- I'm sorry. I...
- I'm sorry. I...

No, I'm sorry, for disappearing.

I was trying to...

Never mind. I was listening to advice
from someone I shouldn't have.

I should have just listened to myself,

and to you.

No, I... I'm sorry, I, um...

I was nervous and, um...

the things I said,

well, they were things a normal person
would say, you know, and...

we're not normal.

- No.
- You know, we...

We're us, and...

we're...

incredible.

I couldn't agree more.

Well, um...

I'll, um...

I'll see you tomorrow, then.

Absolutely. Yes, tomorrow.

Yeah.

Okay.

Good night, Detective.

Good night.

Oh, God.

Incredible.

Lucifer.