Lucifer (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 12 - Daniel Espinoza: Naked and Afraid - full transcript

[alarm blaring]

- ["Walk a Mile" by Holly Golightly plays]
- [sighs]

[exhales]

[whirs]

♪ If being me is easy
From where you stand ♪

♪ Seeing, it's believing from where I am ♪

♪ Try being me if you think you can ♪

♪ You think I got it easy ♪

♪ Try being me ♪

♪ Walk a mile in my shoes ♪

♪ Walk a mile in my shoes ♪



♪ Walk a mile in my shoes ♪

♪ Walk a mile in my shoes ♪

- Daniel.
- [gasps]

You've been staring
at that same file for ten minutes now.

It's like watching
the world's worst nature documentary.

Have you lost the power of speech
alongside the ability to read?

Have you achieved
your final form? [chuckles]

What am I supposed
to do with that, Lucifer?

How am I supposed to react?

[hesitates] I don't follow.

Well, I know you're the Devil now.

You come at me with these sort of funny,
kind of clever insults, I give back.

We go into a little insult dance,

and that's a Tuesday.



But now everything's changed.

Don't be ridiculous, Daniel.
Nothing's changed.

I'm still the same person,
charming, beloved.

And you're still the same person too,
useless, tolerated.

Hmm. Doesn't have the same effect anymore.

It's like being teased
by Genghis Khan or Darth Vader.

I'm not some bloody villain, Daniel.

Oh, well,
if you're gonna be cruel about it.

Don't be coming to me for any favors.

Don't worry, I won't.

[scoffs]

Detective Douche
is a real joy to be around today.

You just have to give him some time.

Remember what I did
when I first found out the truth?

Yes, you ran off to Europe for a month.
Oh, maybe Dan could do with a vacation.

Who do I know in one of those countries

where they hunt
American tourists for sport?

Right. Look, I'm sorry you're hurt
that you can't annoy Dan.

Why would I be hurt?

Uh, well,
because it's the strange little game

that you two play
to show that you're friends.

- But he's not participating anymore.
- [scoffs]

So just give him some time.

Detective Douche can take all the time
he needs, as far as I'm concerned.

Now, please tell me we have a case,

some puzzle to solve,
some criminal to bring in and punish.

It's right here,
and we do have someone to bring in,

but she's already been apprehended.
Extradition.

A Los X banger,
got caught south of the border.

Extradition?

We catch murderers, Detective.
We don't carpool them.

Lucifer... we do,

when we're understaffed.

- I know it's grunt work, but we have to...
- Grunt work, you say?

Hmm.

[sighs] All right.

"All right"? That's it?

[sighs] Chloe has Trixie tonight,

and honestly,
I think a drive might be good for me.

[Lucifer groans]

It'll give me some time
to think about things.

[Lucifer] Huh.

Hey, Dan.

Did you notice the name of
the processing officer on the other end?

- Luis Navarro.
- [Chloe] Uh-huh.

I just wanna remind you of the last time
you worked a task force together.

I remember. Look, you don't have to worry.

Yes, we were friends,
but I know what kind of cop this guy is.

The kind of cop who likes to cut corners,

the kind of cop looking to play angles
on a slippery slope to being a criminal...

The kind of cop
that I haven't been for a very long time.

I'm sorry, I know.
I'm not your mother, and I'm not...

even your wife anymore,
but I am your friend.

I know it's been a crazy time lately.

I think the last voice that you need
in your head right now is one like Luis'.

I know you're trying to look out for me,
and I appreciate that, but I'm fine.

[chuckles] I've got it all under control.

Promise.

- [chattering]
- [laughing]

[Dan] What the hell?

- Danimal! Oh! Ohhh!
- Hey.

[in Spanish] How's it going, man?

Still banging gorgeous blondes up in LA?

Luis, what are we doing in a bar?

I'm here
for the extradition of a prisoner.

[laughing]

[in English] Hermano, your Spanish

is about as rusty
as that squad car outside.

You need
to stay down here a little longer.

- Get a little Spanish immersion.
- Yeah, I'll talk to my captain about it.

Listen, why are we not meeting
at the police station, bro?

Oh, crap. You didn't get the message?

What message?

Sorry, man.

There was a screwup in the paperwork.

The prisoner won't be discharged
till tomorrow morning.

What, are you kidding me, bro?
I drove all the way down here.

I know. I know, but I got it. It's fine.
I made sure that they got you a room.

- It's a few blocks away.
- [sighs]

All right, all right, yeah. Uh... just for
the night. I gotta get back, all right?

Hey, compadre!

- [clears throat]
- Now we get caught up.

- Yeah.
- I wanted you to see this place.

I own a little piece of it.

- Nice.
- Let's get some drinks for old times.

I don't know, man.
It's really late, you know.

If I gotta get on the road early
in the morning, I don't think so.

Daniel. I get it.

I do, okay?

Maybe those old times,

they weren't so good, okay?
We used to play it fast and loose.

And I know you don't do that anymore.

And the truth is, I admire you for that.

I'm turning myself around too, and,

I just wanted to get some advice
from someone who did it before I did.

That's all.

One drink.

- [shouting in Spanish]
- [in English] One, just one. No!

[both laugh]

- [Luis chuckles] Salud.
- [Dan] Salud.

- Oh, man.
- [exhales]

I've had my few beers.

I think I should go check out
the hotel room and watch some HBO.

Wait, wait, wait, hold on.

- One more drink so I can ask you.
- [sighs]

Back in the day,
when you had that old partner.

You guys had some fun extracurriculars.

- [chuckles] Yeah.
- What changed that for you?

Uh, it's pretty simple, really. Uh...

Couple years back, I got into
some trouble on Palmetto Street.

Long story short,
I got in way over my head,

and I realized that
when your motives are bad

and when you're only out for yourself,

your actions have consequences.

But now?

Ah, it's just...

Let's just say that I had

a moment of clarity.

Think God and the Devil.
Let's say they're real, right?

- Like, as real as you and me.
- Huh.

You find that out...

makes you worry more. Not less.

You mean like your soul?

[laughing]

No, man. Worse, way worse.

Because if God is like you and me,

that means he's fallible.

He makes mistakes.

And if God can make a mistake,
what does that say about the universe?

I mean, who's even in charge?

How could anything even matter anymore?

That's heavy, man.

But if you're feeling like
nothing really matters, then...

maybe you'll consider joining me
in a business venture.

[Dan groans]

I run these holistic crystals up to LA.

Housewives up there love this shit, okay?

I tell them that
they're ancient Aztec cenotes.

But really they're just beach rocks,
my friend.

I pick them from my sister's property
in Rosarito. Pure profit!

I thought you said you weren't
into anything illegal any more.

Illegal? They're rocks.

So it's legit?

It's legit money. Huh?

It's low-risk.

I just need a man on the other end
to make sure that it runs smooth.

Just not me anymore, man.

Can't help you.

I understand.

It's no problem. Stupid idea. Okay?

[laughs]

I'm just happy you're here now.

Benito!

- [Benito shouts]
- [laughing]

- [Benito speaks Spanish]
- Oh, come on.

This is Benito. He's my partner.

- You know why Benito is always smiling?
- Why?

- He's got the best tequila in town.
- [Dan scoffs]

[speaks Spanish]

- [Luis] Hey, hey, hey! Hmm?
- Ah.

- [Luis speaks Spanish]
- [glasses clink]

- [Dan chuckles]
- To better days ahead.

- [Benito speaks Spanish]
- [Luis whooping]

No, no.

[rooster crows]

[groans]

[grunts]

[gasps, grunts]

[gasps, yells]

Luis, Luis, wake up!

Where's my phone? We need help!

[panting]

- What? Why are you naked?
- [Dan] What?

Oh, uh, uh, because I sleep naked.
It's a thing. Don't worry about it.

Benito. He's dead!

If this is some kind of sick joke,
Danimal, I swear...

[groans]

Oh, God. You're right.

He's dead.

Yeah. [panting]

Look, man, we need to call this in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Hold on.

Take a breath.

Let's think this through.

What do you mean, think this through?

Wait, you don't think that...

Luis, I don't fully remember
whatever the hell happened last night,

but I did not kill anybody.

I know you didn't kill anyone, my friend.

Because I know who did.

Okay, so those crystals
I was talking about?

Maybe the risk wasn't quite
as low as I led you to believe.

That's why I was hoping
you'd sign up as my man in LA.

To replace the guys who are there now.

Russian guys.

So what are you saying,
these are the guys who killed Benito?

Why?

Because they're Russian mob.

And they knew
Benito was in the scam with me.

I figure they must've hit him
when he left here last night.

So then what?

He came in here looking for help maybe?

Goes to the back room,
collapses, and that's that?

Why would they wanna kill Benito?

Wait a minute.

How much do you owe them?

- Two hundred thousand dollars.
- [sighs]

But I have it. I can pay them,
I was going to pay them.

Okay? I just wanted one more day.

Okay, there was
this horse race this afternoon.

Daniel, I swear. It was a sure thing.

I would've doubled my money,
I could have paid with interest.

I really wanted to believe
that you'd turned things around.

But this has gotta be
the most reckless thing you've ever done!

I can't believe this.

Look, I know I screwed up,

but I didn't think that the Russian mob
in LA was gonna come after me like this!

I'm all the way down here, and I'm police!

Well, then you obviously don't know
how the Russian mob operates, do you?

No.

But you do, don't you?

No.

No way am I getting involved
in this with you, Luis.

The thing for you to do right now is turn
yourself in, tell your people about it.

- They'll protect you.
- Protect me?

Half of my department is
on some gangster's payroll.

Daniel, they'll come after my family.

Maria, little Oscar.

He's three.

I need to stay here
and make sure they're safe.

All I ask is that
you deliver the money that I owe.

Luis, I came down here
for a prisoner transfer.

Exactly. And that's exactly what you do.

You go get her. By the time you come
back, I'll have the money ready for you.

Okay? It's a small detour.

And while you handle that,

then I'll call in poor Benito's murder.

Please, Daniel.

For my family.

[sighs]

So, what's in the box?

Nothing. Stop talking.

Something important, huh?

Maybe not straight-up legal?

I saw that dude's face
when he handed it to you.

Look, can you sit back?

- Sit back, please! Thank you.
- Okay, okay. No problem.

You know, just saying.

You all sweaty, with mysterious boxes.
I know corruption when I see it,

but, you know, none of my business.
We all got our demons.

It's not corrupt, okay?
It's the exact opposite, actually.

- Hmm.
- I'm helping somebody.

- Hmm.
- And I don't have any demons.

Unless you count the fact
I've been working with the Devil

for the last few years, but that's,
you know, out of my control.

Man, I hear you.

I was riding with the devil myself
for a few years, you know. Cocaine?

- That's not what I'm talking...
- You don't have to justify yourself to me.

I feel you. It's hard.

It got a hold of me for a while.

Yeah, I was banging with the X's,
getting up to notorious shit.

And I wasn't proud of it,
so I turned it around.

Oh, right, you turned it around, huh?

Yeah, man, I did.

- And you know what helped me do it?
- What?

God.

He saved me, man,
and I ain't trying to preach to you.

You wanna get out of this?

Find God.

[laughs]

Oh, I found God.

And he exploded my entire body
for sleeping with his wife,

so I don't think
he's quite the guy you think he is.

Whatever. God is whoever you say he is.

And I say that God is someone that
gives me the strength to do better.

And I know I can be better.

Not just for God, but for me.

Look, I hope
this works out for you, I really do.

But you need to be careful, okay?

Because you think you know things,

but then life has
a way of blindsiding you.

[engine revs]

[animals calling]

[Dan groaning]

[grunts]

[seat belt unclips]

[grunts]

[panting]

Huh!

[shouts]

[panting]

Of course it's dead! [huffs]

[car approaches]

Dan?

Espinoza?

Ryan?

Yeah, it's me, Ryan, and Kevin from class.

Hey.

Hey, you know,
we haven't seen you in improv in ages.

We're just driving back from a show
at the El Cerrito Community Center. Yeah.

You know,
you're missing out on a lot of sweet gigs.

Yeah.

Uh, yeah, I've been...
I've been pretty busy lately. [chuckles]

Yeah.

You got a little, uh...

What? Ugh.

- What?
- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, man.
- Gentle.

[groans] I think it's spray paint.

I was, uh... I was ambushed by Los X's.

- They're a notorious street gang.
- Oh!

They T-boned my car, tagged it.

My face must have been in the way.

Do you need some help?

Uh, y-yeah.
Actually, you think I can get a ride?

- Yes. And?
- [laughing]

Yes, it's improv 101!

[Ryan and Kevin continue laughing]

- Right. Improv 101.
- [laughs] Oh, God!

- Where do you need to go?
- Oh.

- Just get in the back.
- Yeah.

Jiggle the handle. The belt doesn't work,
so you just gotta yank it hard.

[classical tune playing]

[elevator bell dings]

Daniel!

Fancy seeing you here.

Well, not fancy at all, actually.

You look... Well, it's hard to tell
sometimes, but you look truly awful.

[sighs]

Lucifer, uh...

[exhales]

I need a favor.

[chuckles]

[laughing]

Really, Daniel, I'd do a spit take,
but this is single malt.

[laughing]

Come on, man. Are you done?

Well, I was until I remembered
the last time you lost a fugitive.

12-year-old girl? You soiling
yourself on that roller coaster?

I didn't soil myself, Lucifer.
And look, this isn't like that, okay?

This girl was rescued by her gang.

And I know their hangout.

It's a bike shop in Van Nuys.

- If we go there, we're gonna find her.
- "We"?

Well, why do you need my help?
You're a police officer.

If you need backup making an arrest,
you have the entire LAPD.

It's not that simple, man.

Los X's didn't just
spring my fugitive, they also...

sort of, stole something from me.
Something that I need to get back.

Oh, so if the police get involved,
the drugs will be confiscated.

It's not drugs!

[sighs] It's money
that an old friend needs me to deliver

so he can get clear
of some dangerous people.

Now it's in the hands of a street gang
who probably don't realize what they have,

and you need to get it back
before they do. Oh, Daniel. [laughs]

This could only happen to you.

Oh, man, I swear.

Sometimes it feels like
the entire universe is against me.

[Lucifer] Oh.

Wait a minute.

You don't think your dad
could be behind this, do you?

[laughs] No. Definitely not.

No.

My father is, um...

Well, I don't exactly know where he is,

but I can guarantee he's dealing
with something much bigger than this.

[exhales] Okay.

So, can you help me?

I mean, you're invincible, right?

You can go in there. You can beat up
the entire gang, and I can grab the box.

I'm not your muscle, Daniel.

I don't just go in
and beat people up like some hired goon.

Look, man, I'm not...
I'm not trying to offend you.

Okay? But there are lives at stake here.

[sighs] I can't do it without you.

Fine.

But we'll do things my way,
no vulgar strong-arm stuff.

- You say they own a bike shop?
- [exhales]

We'll let money do the talking.
And me, of course.

[rap song playing in Spanish]

[shouts, grunts]

[exhales]

[loud clattering]

Hello, gang members.

I understand you sell bikes,

and I would like to purchase
your most expensive one, please.

You wanna buy one of our bikes?

Mm-hmm.

Oh. Oh, I thought you sold motorbikes.

Oh, that's embarrassing.

Well, looks like I'm gonna
have to rethink this entire thing.

Nobody rides motorbikes.

All that noise?

Plus, you get killed on those things.

This is the hype.

Well, wouldn't be the first time

I've spent far too much money
on something I don't know how to use.

Your British ass so fancy
you never learned how to ride a bicycle?

Hey, mija,
not everybody had their pops around

to teach them everything
when they was young.

Don't go making hurtful assumptions.

You don't know this man's story.

[hesitates] Well,
actually, that is my story. To a T.

I feel you.

My old man was never around either.

I'm trying to make better decisions now,
but it's hard, you know?

Never had my role model.

I feel you.

And you, homes. [chuckles]

[creaking]

I mean, it's typical.

I haven't seen him in essentially forever,

and then he turns up out of nowhere

and announces that
he's getting old and he's retiring.

I mean,
what am I supposed to do with that?

[sighs]

Or maybe he wants
to spend time with you, ese.

When my papi retired
from working as a guard up in Pelican Bay,

it was awkward at first, but we actually
got to know each other really well.

Even better than
when I was locked up in there.

Well, my dad was my jailer too.

It's a very specific
kind of pain, isn't it?

And mine had to turn me in
for stealing credit card numbers, homes.

It was my birthday too. [sighs]

Mm-hmm. Right.

That doesn't belong to you.

Hand it over.

Doesn't belong to you either.
You're not a Los X.

Actually, it does belong to me.
Or my... my friend.

Whatever, it doesn't matter.
I have the gun, give me the box.

Cuff yourself.

Into the cage. Go.

- [lock clicks]
- [handcuffs clicking]

You're making
a huge mistake here, buddy. Huge.

No, bro.

I'm correcting one.

Sorry.

[dog growling]

- Huh.
- [barking]

Nice doggie.

[barking]

So let's stop projecting
and start reflecting.

One thing I've learned in therapy is
that we need to be gentle with ourselves

before we're gentle
with anybody else. Hmm? [kisses]

- [dog barking]
- [Dan yelling] Good doggie.

That's Chucho.

Nah, that's probably nothing. Come on.

That's not nothing! That's something.

Trucha. Something's going on.

Wait! Let's just give it a minute.
I'm sure it'll be fine. [chuckles]

[Dan] Not a good doggie! Ow! Ow!

Bad dog!

- Bad dog!
- [barking continues]

Hey, that's that cop
that was taking me to jail!

Yes, and unfortunately, he's with me, and
it appears he's gotten what he came for,

so we'll be off, thank you very much.

We were having a moment, homes.

And it was a sincere moment.
We shared, and we bonded, didn't we?

So we're all friends now.
There's no need for us to fight.

Uh... oh, dear.

Dan, go.

If this really is an emergency,
I'll take care of them.

[panting] Right.
Give me your keys. I need your keys.

There's no way in the world
I'm letting you drive my car, Daniel.

What am I to do?

- Use your imagination.
- What?

You think you're gonna
take on all of us solo?

Unfortunately, yes.

I am the muscle, after all. [sighs]

- Whoa, shit!
- Whoa, whoa!

♪ Fall in a streak... ♪

[car horn honks]

♪ I've done my drink ♪

♪ Well, it's over
And it's time for going home... ♪

What the...? Oh!

[grunting]

[groans]

[screams]

Danimal, come on.

You never look in the box.

Wolf.

[grunts]

- [refrigerator door opens]
- [gasps]

What?

I charged your phone for you.

A man with your responsibilities
really needs to stay reachable.

Also, you need to keep
some drinks here other than kombuchas.

What do you do when you have company?

You lied to me, Luis.

You didn't send me
to make some payment to the Russians.

You sent me to deliver a message.

What are you into, man?

That guy was your friend!

Benito was not my friend.

He was an employee.

He kept the books for me,
and he betrayed me.

He was secretly working
with the Russians for months.

[gasps] Wait a minute.

The Russians aren't your loan sharks.
They're your competition.

You're in some kind of
a war with them, aren't you?

That's right.

And I'm gonna win too.

[scoffs] I don't understand.

Why would you get me involved in this?

You could've had
anybody deliver that package.

And risk using one of my own guys?

Come on, Daniel,
that's not smart business.

But having you do it is.

If the Russians decide
to kill the messenger, I lose nothing.

They're cop killers.

But if somehow you survive, well,

now you're on the hook for transporting
human remains across crime syndicates.

And I own you.

- It's a win-win.
- [laughing]

You're not gonna win anything, Luis.

I am never gonna work for you.

You need to adjust that attitude, Danimal,
because I'm not done with you yet.

I had a perfectly good plan
to throw the Russians into chaos,

and you had to screw up
and lose that head.

What are you talking about? It's there.

Now it is.

But it got stolen from you. Remember?

And when I heard,
I sent my man Vargas to recover it,

and then he runs into you
at the bike shop,

and you go and arrest him.

That's your guy?

How the hell am I supposed to know that?

That's all right.

Apology accepted.

Small thing, though.

I also tasked Vargas
with a hit on the Russians' bookkeeper.

A little eye for an eye,
since they made me kill mine.

What?

And thanks to you,

now Vargas is indisposed.

So you have to do it.

[chuckles] No way, man. No way. Unh-unh.

What you need to do
is turn yourself in, Luis.

I can't believe how far gone you are.

What the hell happened to you?

Better question is, what happened to you?

The pain on the side of your neck.

Ayquina neurotoxin.

Real nasty stuff from Colombia.

One minute you're fine and then wham.

Ten hours from now,
you drop dead, like Pablo Escobar.

[chuckles] Come on.

That's not for real.

I got a head in a box, Daniel.

Do I look like a man who's not for real?

You have ten hours to kill the bookkeeper.

And then I'll give you...

Cabrón.

[speaks Spanish]

And then I'll give you this.

The antidote.

Why?

Why are you doing this?

I always liked working with you, Dan.

I left you the address
of the bookkeeper on the fridge.

Along with a note to get
some LaCroix or something.

[gasps]

[typing]

Hey, Ella.

- What you working on?
- Nothing, just work.

Cool.

- Cool.
- Hmm.

Listen, um, so I have this case...

where I think, uh, someone
might have actually faked a murder.

And it got me thinking,
how would you do that?

You mean, how could you
tell if a murder was faked?

Yeah... Uh...

No, uh, what...

um, I wanna... I wanna
get inside the head of the criminal.

Really figure out what it would take
to pull something like this off.

It's pretty crucial.

For the case.

Okay, well, maybe I can look at the file?

[hesitates] Look, here's the thing.

You are the best forensic scientist
I have ever worked with.

I mean,
you're probably the best in the city.

So I was thinking, if anyone
could figure this out, it would be you.

Okay.

Real talk now.

No more bull crud.

I actually do know how
to fake the perfect murder.

Because...

I've been working on it for my novel.

Aren't you... oh! Oh!

That's... that's great.
- I know. I know, right?

So, it's about a forensic scientist
who talks to ghosts.

Right? But I had to confront her
with an almost impossible puzzle,

because she herself
is an impossible puzzle.

She's super cheerful, but really tortured.

Totally transparent, but full of secrets.

So what about the, uh, the murder?

Oh, right.

So, what I came up with is pretty awesome.

Almost foolproof, but ugh!
It is really hard.

I mean, you would have
to arrange the crime scene just right.

Could you pull it off in,
say, nine and a half hours?

That's oddly specific, but let me see.

That would take about, uh...
Two hours and you add another one...

A two and...

- Ella!
- One second.

Yep, yep, you should be able to do it,
but you would need to move it outdoors.

Which means wrapping up your footwear
in a specific kind of slipper.

Yeah, hold on, just one second.

You're going really fast.
I'm just gonna write this down. Go.

[panting]

[exhales]

Hi. Svetlana, right?

May I come in?

No. Nyet, nyet, nyet.
No police without warrant.

Oh, no, no, no, I'm not a cop.

I mean, I am a cop,
but I'm not on official business.

Listen, this is... ha-ha! This is gonna
sound crazy. I was sent here to kill you.

[gasps]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm not actually... I'm not gonna do it.

Look. I mean, this...

it's all fake.

This is just to fake your death.

- [gasps]
- Why else would I need pig's blood?

Or hamburger?

This is for the brain matter.

Oh, of course, it's very realistic.

Yeah. This is a very professional setup.

You see, I had a forensics friend
give me everything I need.

I know... I know it sounds insane,
but I can explain everything.

No. No, it makes perfect sense.

[gasps]

Oh, look, your pig blood.
It's leaking. Leaking.

[Dan] What? Oh, oh.

Hey, do you have a rag?

[groaning]

[gasps]

[exhales] No.

No.

[gasps] No.

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[panting]

[exhales]

Okay.

[beeps, dials]

[rings]

Hey, man, I'm really sorry to bother you,

but I think I need some help.

I am near Lake Arrowhead,
about 80 miles east of LA.

Yeah, it's a cabin with a greenish roof
and smoke coming out of the chimney.

I don't know, man. I don't know,
maybe, like, 100 yards south of a pond.

Uh-huh. Yeah, you... hey.

Hello. You there?

- You there?
- [wings flap]

- Hey. That was fast.
- [Amenadiel chuckles]

Dan, we really need to work
on your reconnoitering skills.

There's a lot of buildings in this area
that match that description.

Hey.

What happened?

Oh, this? Yeah.

It's... it's a long story.
Don't worry about it.

- [sighs]
- Dan, I'm your friend.

I'm also an angel. I can help.

I... I...

Look, I... [sighs] Look, I'm so sorry, man.

I really appreciate your help,
but you know what?

I can figure it out.

Hmm. Listen, if you didn't want my help,
why did you call me here?

I do.

I do. I need some help.

All right, somebody stole my car,
and they stranded me here and then...

[panting]

[breathes deeply]

Dan.

I'm not an Uber.

I know.

I know, and I wouldn't call you
if I had any other choice.

But right now
I'm 100 miles away from home,

and I need to get back
as soon as possible.

Please.

[Amenadiel sighs]

[sighs] Okay.

So how does this work?

Do, uh... You gonna pick me up,
or do I sort of climb on?

Okay.

Oh!

Okay, so just so you know, I may pass out.

Or puke.

Or both.

- [exhales]
- Okay, I'm ready.

Uh, yeah. I'm trying to reach the head
of the chemistry department at UCLA.

I have a question about a substance
called "ayquina." It's something...

- What's up, Dan?
- [gasps]

Maze! [panting]

What the hell are you doing here?

Well, I'm not really talking
to Lucifer right now,

but I did overhear him saying that
you were spinning out of control. So...

I had to come see that for myself.

[both laugh]

[sobs]

You okay?

Do I look okay, Maze?

I'm having the worst day of my life.
I feel like I'm losing my mind,

and I've had, like, three concussions
in six hours. That can't help!

[exhales]

[Mazikeen sighs]

So, tell me about it.

No.

Amenadiel asked me the same thing,
and I can't get you guys involved.

Amenadiel?

God's greatest goody-two-shoes?

Come on, Dan!

I'm a demon.

You think there's something
you can't tell me?

- We killed a guy together.
- For the last time, we didn't kill a guy.

We made sure some
dangerous people found him.

Yeah, yeah, blah-blah-blah. Point is,

this is me.

No secrets.

Fine.

But you gotta promise
you're not gonna laugh.

[laughing]

Come on, Maze. [exhales]

I can't believe Amenadiel carried you.

In his arms.

Like a little baby.

[laughing]

Oh, what?

Come on, you gotta have
a sense of humor about these things.

I've only got six hours
to figure out how to live past tonight

and get out from under Luis' thumb,
even if I do survive.

So please excuse me, Maze,
if I don't find that hilarious.

Oh, God, you're such a dumbass.

Just set up a meet with Luis,

get your antidote,
and serve him up to the Russians.

Duh, we've done this before.

I can't get the antidote
without showing proof

that I actually killed
the Russian bookkeeper, so...

Well, that's easy. I can get you
proof of death, no problem.

Come on,
you can't actually kill her, Maze.

Fine.

I'll whip something up.

First I'll get in touch
with my Russian contacts.

Then I'll set up a meet
with you and them to explain the deal.

Then you set up
a meeting with Luis tonight,

with the Russians lying in wait.

- [snaps fingers]
- I'll get you your proof.

Sure.

Easy. Just follow a plan whipped up
spur-of-the-moment by a demon

to deliver a psychopath
to a bunch of murderers,

after I scam him
into saving my life. [chuckles]

It'll work perfectly.

Just don't screw it up.

Also, I'm telling the Russians
your name is Joe Stone.

Why Joe Stone?

Because Dan Espinoza sounds like a cop.

Joe Stone sounds cool.

You need to be... cool with these people.

Hey, Maze.

Thank you.

I'm sorry about the demon stuff.

It means a lot you're helping me.

I'm only helping you because it's you.

[exhales]

So that's the play.
You hide out on the balcony.

Once I've conducted my business with Luis...

then you swoop in and take him.

Play sounds good.

But we don't know
who the hell you are, Mr. Joe Stone.

[sighs]

But Mazikeen says you're okay, so...

[Linda] Dan?

Hi, Dan.

[man] Dan?

Who is Dan?

You are Joe Stone, right?

Yeah.

Uh, gentlemen, I just need...

one minute. [clears throat]

Linda, what the hell are you doing here?

Oh, I have lunch here every Tuesday.
I mean, the pierogis, right? Okay.

Are you okay?
Your... your eyes are bulging.

I need you to hit me.

Okay, I know it sounds crazy, but...

[grunts]

- You're undercover, right?
- Yes.

Don't laugh.

I'll explain everything later.

Okay.

[exhales]

My side piece. [chuckles]

I never give her my real name, right?

I mean, you can see why.

Cuckoo.

[chuckles]

That's for what you did to me.

Mistresses are like KGB.

Meddle in everything, torture you forever.

[chuckles] I like you, Joe Stone.

See you at club tonight.

[snorts]

So how do I look?

Pretty good, actually.

Yeah. I feel pretty good too, man.

I closed Lux for a private party,
and your guests should arrive shortly.

Everything's in place.

We're gonna pull this off, right?

Oh, Daniel.

I never lie, and I promise you
the plan is gonna work perfectly.

- [Dan chuckles]
- [glasses clink]

I really appreciate you
having my back out there.

Oh, no, I'm not gonna be there.

[gulps] You what?

Well, I have history with the Russians.

Trust me,
this won't work properly if I'm there.

Yeah, but I don't have
any backup down there.

Maze isn't gonna be there for a while.
If things get hairy, what do I do?

Daniel, I realize
this is your first crime-boss summit,

so you'll have to take my word for it,

but there won't be any actual violence.

It's all about appearances,
hence why I insisted on the suit.

And as for backup,

all you need are people who can act tough,

and I think I have found
exactly the right guys.

[Dan huffs]

You've got this!

All over it.

Right.

- [Ryan] Hey, Dan.
- [sighs]

How about this place, right?

- Ryan, what are you guys doing here?
- Lucifer said you needed us for a gig.

What, uh... How? When?

After we dropped you off,
we stuck around for drinks.

Networking, you know.

He said he could book us some gigs,
and then three hours later,

boom-shaka-laka! He's a cool guy.

I don't think you understand what this is.

No, no, no. We got it. We just gotta be
your backup. Stand around, look tough.

- [clears throat]
- Oh, yeah, everybody came prepared.

[huffs] No. No!

That is a rental.

It is way too dangerous.

So, Danimal, are we gonna do this or what?

Yes.

And...

this is my crew.

Showing up with your own crew?

Power move. I'm impressed.

Yeah.

Yeah, hell, yeah.

Look, let's just get to this, okay?

Where's the antidote?
I don't have a lot of time here.

Where is my proof?

It's on its way.

It'll be here.

Soon, I hope.

Are you starting to get the sweats yet?

That's how it starts.

Hey, you best recognize
when you talk to my boy Dan.

Don't test me.

Prison changed me.

Yeah, Ryan, Ryan, chill.

You better put
a leash on that dog, Danimal,

because I'll walk out of here right now.

- [Mazikeen] Then you'd miss all the fun.
- [Svetlana gasping]

Oh, Maze, what the hell?

You had one job.

I know.

I know I was supposed to bring proof.

But proof can be faked.

Don't freak out, I'm not gonna kill her.

He can.

What better way for him to be sure
she's dead so you can get your antidote.

- Maze, this is not what we talked about.
- No one is going to kill Svetlana.

[guns cocking]

You sold me out. Now you're
not getting the antidote, Danimal.

"Danimal"?

So you have been lying
to us all along, Joe Stone.

All right, everybody,
just take a breath, all right?

This has gotten completely nuts! [panting]

I have no idea how we got here.

None of this makes any sense.
It's like one crazy thing after another.

[huffs]

But we have the power to stop this.

Right now.

Look...

I know it can seem
like things just happen,

and that we don't have
any control over them.

Like, like there's no order,
or... or meaning.

But if the world is senseless and random,

well, then all we can do is just
what we think is best. [panting]

And there is no way anybody thinks
it's best if we all die here today.

Right?

Am I right?

[mouths]

- That was really good.
- [woman] Hey! Excuse the interruption.

But we're looking for that cop

and that British dude
that busted up our spot.

We need to talk to you, homes.

- Oh! I know that ese.
- [man chuckles]

We used to get into it in the yard.

¡Hasta la vista, puto!

- [Dan] Ryan, no!
- [gunfire]

[grunting]

No!

[gunfire]

[grunting]

Get the vial!

["Vaya con Dios" playing]

♪ Now the hacienda's dark
The town is sleeping ♪

♪ Now the time has come to part
The time for weeping ♪

♪ Vaya con Dios, my darling ♪

♪ Vaya con Dios, my love ♪

♪ Now the lonely mission bells
Are softly ringing ♪

♪ Bum-bum-bum ♪

♪ If you listen with your heart
You'll hear them singing ♪

♪ Vaya con Dios, my darling ♪

♪ Vaya con Dios, my love ♪

♪ Wherever you may be, I'll be beside... ♪

[gasps] Yes! I found it!

[gunshot]

Adios, amigo.

- No!
- [gunshot]

No, Maze, Maze!

No! No, you're okay.

You're okay. Everything's gonna be okay.

[grunts]

♪ Vaya con Dios, my darling... ♪

Joe Stone.

♪ Vaya con Dios... ♪

[sobs] It's all right.
You're all right. You're all right.

[gurgles, grunts]

[groans]

Maze.

No. No!

No! [sobbing]

[sobbing] I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. No.

I'm sorry, Maze. I'm sorry.

- [sobbing]
- [Lucifer] Daniel!

What did you do?

I don't know.

I... I was just trying to help.

Well...

now you see that sometimes when
you're trying to do the right thing,

other people
who don't deserve it end up getting shot.

What?

[laughing] Oh, I'm sorry, guys.

I couldn't hold it any longer.

My arm was falling asleep.

[Mazikeen laughs]

[gasps]

[spits, exhales]

You should have seen
the look on your face. [cackles]

[all laughing]

Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!

Job absolutely well done! [laughs]

As promised, wrap party starts now.

There's an open bar,
food trucks in the back.

Give yourselves a pat on the back,
people. That was... [kisses]

- [cheering]
- [shouting]

["I Gotta Feeling" playing]

[laughs] Excuse me.

- Oh, ho-ho! Definitely framing that one.
- [camera shutter clicks]

[laughs]

♪ I gotta feeling ♪

♪ That tonight's gonna be a good night ♪

♪ That tonight's gonna be a good night ♪

♪ That tonight's gonna be a good, good... ♪

[speaks Spanish, laughs]

Next time.

Mi amigo, I'm sorry, man.

Lucifer, he approached me.

He offered me a lot of money too.
I had to say yes.

Hey, we had fun, though, right?

- It was a lot of fun.
- Yeah!

Joe Stone!

Legendary man of the hour!

This is the craziest thing
I've ever been involved in.

Please come to my wedding.

- I wouldn't miss it.
- Yeah!

- You guys, here's Dan!
- [laughing]

How's that for a blindside, right?

- Pretty good.
- We worked you like a pendejo. Aah!

[Dan] It was pretty good.

Ugh! I can't believe
he faked the whole thing.

Everyone was in on it?

Well, not everyone.

Everyone here.

You should call Amenadiel.

And Linda.

And Ella.

Definitely Chloe.
Let them know you're okay.

I think they were all pretty
worried about how you were acting today.

[chuckling]

I really thought you died, Maze.

You think I'd take a bullet for you?

Well... [clears throat]

not in the chest, anyway.

[pats Dan]

[laughs, pats]

Countless hours of meticulous planning,

dozens of favors called in,

so many Easter eggs
from our previous adventures.

Did you spot them all? [chuckles]

Five million, four thousand,
one hundred and fifty-seven dollars spent.

Totally worth it.

This.

- All of this. The dog, the car wreck...
- [sighs]

I woke up this morning
with no clothes on, next to a dead body.

[laughs]

Daniel Espinoza, naked and afraid.

Cheers.

I don't understand
how you pulled it off, man.

Even you couldn't control everything.

Well, the hardest part was making sure
the detective wasn't involved,

hence all the illegalities I knew
you wouldn't wanna share with her.

I mean, she would've seen
through this charade right away

because she's, well, a detective.

I'm a detective.

- [groans]
- [scoffs]

After that,
there was very little to control.

I mean, you're very predictable, Daniel.

- [chuckles]
- No.

No, no, no, no, no. You had to have known...

every single decision I would make.

[chuckles] How's that even possible?

Well, I knew that you would never give up.

At every opportunity to quit, I knew that
your oafish optimism would keep you going.

[sighs]

I suppose I realized
that whenever you're given a choice,

you always at least
try and do the right thing.

[scoffs] Why, thank you, Lucifer.

[chuckles] It's crazy,
but I think I needed this.

I've been
in a really weird place for a long time.

[scoffs] And I think I'm through it now.

[chuckles] I... I can't explain it.

But you really helped me.

Oh. Well,
that's not why I did this at all.

Well, then why did you do all this?

Because you fucking shot me, Daniel.

♪ That tonight's
Gonna be a good, good night ♪

♪ Whoo-hoo! ♪