Lucifer (2015–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - Chloe Does Lucifer - full transcript
When a murder is connected to a celebrity dating app, Lucifer and Chloe question all they know about the world of social media in order to solve the case. Meanwhile, Amenadiel helps Linda deal with the death of her ex-husband.
Previously on Lucifer...
We're separated.
Sign the divorce papers.
(grunts)
What's with the cold shoulder?
You seduced me.
You almost die, and then
you ghost me for weeks.
Nothing about any of that
makes any sense to me.
Doesn't make any sense
to me, either.
I used to see a light in you.
All I see now is darkness.
I just wanted to say thank you
for saving my life.
Take her gun.
CHLOE: He saved my life.
DAN: Chloe's fine.
Luckily, Pierce was with her.
But I wasn't.
Happy birthday, Detective.
Beautiful.
What is it? It's the bullet.
From when you shot me.
Oh.
♪♪
LUCIFER: Mm, this is
a new one on me, Detective.
CHLOE: Mm, mm, well,
there's a first time
for everything.
LUCIFER: Yes, but I've heard
it can take hours.
I'm not sure even I have
the endurance for that.
CHLOE: Mm... BEATRICE: Don't
worry, I'll help you.
I'll be the top hat.
I will be the race car,
because I'm gonna
leave you both in the dust.
(laughs) Very funny.
Uh, wheelbarrow,
shoe, ah...
Guess I'm gonna have
to be the shot glass.
Cheers. Oh, that's a thimble.
What? What? I want to conquer
real estate, not mend socks.
So then be the shoe. Please,
I am not a shoe.
Clearly I'm a top hat,
so come on, hand it over.
Want it? It's gonna cost you.
Oh, well, name
your price, urchin.
Oh, I'm not talking fake money.
Oh, wow, she slammed you.
(chuckles)
♪♪ Give me a freaky
kinky nation ♪♪
♪♪ With a total female population
♪♪ (elevator bell chimes)
♪♪ I can deal
with that situation ♪♪
♪♪ I don't care
about my reputation ♪♪
♪♪ Give me a freaky
kinky nation ♪♪
♪♪ With a total female
population ♪♪
♪♪ I can deal with that sit...
(music off)
Imagine my disappointment
when I realized
there was no raging party.
It's a security thing.
Worked for that Home Alone kid,
but, obviously,
you can't take a hint.
Wasn't I being clear
last time I kicked you out?
Oh, clearly being a jerk.
Which is exactly why
I came to look in on you.
(drink pouring)
You see, we need the most love
when we're being most unlovable.
No offense, Brother,
but I don't need love from you.
I get plenty
from naked strangers.
And speaking of, I'm spent.
So, if you don't mind...
That's where you've been, then,
having sex with
the nameless masses?
Oh, you know me, Brother,
wine, women and song.
Just, come on, run along.
I don't need a babysitter.
Your cheek says otherwise.
Well, it turns out
"Bruce Lee mid-fly kick"
wasn't in the artist's
repertoire.
(Amenadiel laughing)
Look, I had to cut a deal
with the detective's offspring.
So that's who you were with...
Chloe and Trixie.
Well, so much for
wine, women and song.
Technically, all of those things
were represented,
when you count
the post-game karaoke.
Luci, there's absolutely
nothing wrong with...
with enjoying a quiet night in.
I did not say that I enjoyed it.
Yeah, right. Honestly,
Luci, who cares
how you spend your nights?
Um, everyone.
My exciting lifestyle gives
regular people
something to aspire to...
I provide hope.
I see. And how does
Linda feel about this
little ruse of yours?
I'm sure that the doctor
would love to dissect me,
but she's taken some time off
to deal with a death
in the family, so...
I had no idea.
I should go check on her.
Yes, excellent idea.
You do that.
Luci, I'm liking this new you.
Boring suits you, Brother.
(camera shutter clicking)
LUCIFER: Now, this poor victim,
she is boring.
We don't know anything about her.
Oh, don't we?
Generic artwork, dull clothes,
beige furniture.
I mean, even her fruit bowl's
so tragically safe...
No mangoes, no papayas.
Not even a measly avocado.
Her name's Kim Jones, 29.
She's a computer engineer.
We ran a full background check,
but we couldn't find
anything noteworthy.
A fellow nerd.
I'm sure you're in
a better place now.
LUCIFER: Well, even if she's
in the worst place,
it'd be far more interesting
than this,
because this poor lady,
definitely a shoe.
Any idea what he's
talking about?
Oh, the other night
we played Monopoly.
So, that's that story.
Ella, what's the cause of death?
Uh, BABFT.
Hmm?
Big-ass blunt force trauma
to the head.
Murder weapon's missing,
but we are looking
for something small and compact.
Surprisingly heavy for its size.
Kind of like my Aunt Rosalita.
I wish Amenadiel were here
so he could see
what boring actually looks like.
Can you believe that
he said I've become boring?
It's absurd.
DAN: Oh, I don't know.
Monopoly doesn't really sound
like the old Lucifer.
And I have to say,
you have become a bit
more normal.
How dare you. Crazy idea.
Let's talk less about Lucifer
and more about the murder.
Crime-scene selfies? Really?
ELLA: Classy move.
And that is Esther,
our victim's roommate.
She found the body when she
came home from partying.
Well, what's such
a dynamic young lady doing
living with a... Kim?
Oh, never mind,
she looks traumatized.
I'll go comfort her. Uh-huh.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Hel...
No photos at a crime scene.
Sorry.
Not even one last one
with the handsome cop?
(chuckles) Don't let the boring
detective spoil things.
It would be my pleasure.
Right.
DAN: Oh. (chuckles)
Bless your heart.
Obviously, I'm far
too well-dressed
to be a cop.
So, I take it that
you aren't close
with your roommate?
No, I don't spend
much time here.
Obviously. Besides, me and Kim,
totally different squads.
Kim followed more people
than followed her,
if you know what I mean.
♪♪ Shoe.
Can you think of anyone
who would want her dead?
I don't think anyone wanted
much of anything from Kim.
Okay, well,
there was no break-in,
there was no struggle,
which likely means
that Kim knew the killer.
So, can you think of anything?
A recent breakup, a fight?
She did get into a yelling match
on the phone last night Oh.
But I assume that was with
the Thai delivery place.
And I assume that's
the poor dear's
closest relationship?
What time was the...
the argument?
I'll tell you
if you hand me my phone back.
I was getting ready to go out,
and I totally remember the pic
I was uploading at the time.
There: Kombucha martini.
10:39 p.m.
All right, I'll trace
Kim's phone call at that time.
You guys mind if I post
that I'm totes helping
a police investigation?
Absolutely.
Do you mind tagging me?
♪♪
CHLOE: Ella traced Kim's call
to this business.
Top Meet. Interesting name
for a Thai restaurant.
No, it's a dating app for
L.A.'s most fabulous singles.
Super exclusive.
Seems you need
to get recommended
and meet a bunch
of selection criteria,
even go through an interview
just to create an account.
Well, then, why would our victim
be arguing with someone here?
I mean, this is clearly
a place for top hats, like us.
Please, I would never get
into something like this.
Eh, you're right.
What was I thinking?
It's way too exciting
for you, Detective... I meant me.
And him.
Gosh, kindred souls.
This interesting young fellow
and I, wouldn't you say?
Except that, apparently,
he's slightly more
interesting than you.
Well, journalistic
hyperbole, clearly.
Eh... Can I help you?
Oh.
Mack Slater. I'm the CEO.
If you are here for the
selection interview,
I'll spare you.
I created Top Meet
for people exactly like you.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
I'm actually...
I was talking to the lady.
You're exactly my type.
I mean the app's type.
Bit on the nose there, Big Mack.
We're here for a different
kind of interview.
There's been a murder,
and our victim's last call
was to someone in this building.
A homicide detective, huh?
(phone rings)
Uh-huh. Wow. You just got
even more interesting.
Funny, so did you.
Just found out who our victim
was fighting with... you.
Ah. Most interesting
bachelor, indeed.
♪♪
If you didn't know her,
then how did you fight with her?
'Cause she was nuts.
I'm confused, you just said
you didn't know her.
I know her type.
We get them from time to time.
They want to be on Top Meet,
they can't clear our high bar,
and then they get pissed
about it.
Problem with her was she just
wouldn't take no for an answer.
And then, uh, she hacked
her way onto my app,
and then our users
complained, of course.
Because nobody joins Top Meet
to hook up with some...
random nobody, and so
we had to kick her off.
Okay, and is that
when she got angry
and called to complain?
(laughs) No, it was more
like she went psycho.
Ah, well, boring people never
like to be told they're dull.
Right, Detective?
What did you do after the call?
I stayed here, I worked late.
We've been busy as hell
these days.
Not nearly, I can assure you.
Well, I'd like to talk to anyone
who can corroborate your alibi.
Also, I'll need a list
of any of the users
that complained about Kim.
No can do.
With so many celebrity clients,
our entire business model
is based off
our ironclad privacy protocols.
Fine, I'll just get a warrant.
Good luck with that.
I mean, how long
did it take the FBI
to hack one cell phone?
Yep, I'll have
the tech team get on it.
You got it, Chloe. Ah!
CHARLOTTE: Hello, Ms. Lopez.
I wanted to ask you something.
You know this darkness
that you say you see in me?
Mm-hmm. I've been
trying to address it,
and, uh, details would help.
So, where do you
see it, exactly?
How? When?
Like, now.
Right about there.
Oh.
Hmm.
Little better?
But you know, still,
you don't exactly scream
rainbows and sunshine,
even when you're not
wielding murder weapons.
Well, for the record,
I wouldn't stab you,
not here, with all
these cops around.
Oh, come on, that was funny.
Oh, yeah. Ha, ha. Funny.
Also dark.
Right. Fair point.
But it's cool.
You know, being dark.
To each their own, you know?
Wow, you really have this
"being good" thing down.
Huh?
You know, you might be
just the person to guide me.
To where?
Somewhere other than Hell.
See, I've, um, I've learned
that there are consequences
to my darkness.
Really permanent ones,
as it turns out.
And I was thinking
you could help me avoid them?
No way, José.
I mean, I wish
I could help you, I do,
but I'm so busy.
With what? You know.
Cases, forensic stuff.
The lieutenant won't be back
from medical leave
until next week, so it's, like,
cray-cray up in here.
ELLA: Oh, hey, Dan.
I bet you need me
to go do that thing, huh?
That super urgent
forensic thing.
Yeah, yeah. See?
Cray-cray.
Well...
I'm just gonna...
I was... Yeah.
Bye.
(grunts) Excuse me.
LINDA: You know,
you're exposing yourself
to dreadful consequences.
And I'm not talking
bad Yelp reviews,
I'm talking Hell.
Turns out: Real.
(laughing): I know.
I know, right?
Shocker to me, too.
But not as much as your dancing
queen candle arrangements!
Hey,
Linda.
Is everything okay?
Amenadiel, hi.
I'm so glad you're here.
I'm trying to plan
my ex-husband's memorial,
and I could really use
another opinion.
Um, okay. So, which one
do you like best?
Just, knee-jerk reaction.
Go.
That one?
Really?
Really? You don't think
it's too ornate?
That one.
You're right.
This one's simple, yet elegant.
See, you're just
the insight I needed.
Busy tomorrow?
LUCIFER: That looks
absolutely nothing
like our victim.
Take note, Daniel. These filters
could be the answer
to your dating drought.
ELLA: Or not... I mean,
Kim only got one match.
What... really?
After all the effort
our shoe went through
to make herself
look like a top hat,
she only got the interest
of one gentleman?
Gentleman? You mean suspect.
Yep. Username, FOREVER29.
The app arranged
a date for them,
and based on their likes
and locations,
it suggested a sushi place
on Melrose.
Even made a reservation for them
for the night of the murder.
CHLOE: This guy's using the app
as a hunting ground; He could be
targeting somebody right now.
We got to find him.
Yeah, but how?
We can't even get an I.D.
Yeah. Tech team hasn't
been able to crack
Top Meet's security algo.
Which means Kim had
mad hacking skills.
So can we use
FOREVER29's profile pic
and run it through
facial recognition?
Yeah, I know, I thought
about that, but...
(Lucifer groans)
LUCIFER: Partial profiles pics.
Such a telltale sign
of low self-esteem.
Or our guy's keeping
his profile secret
because he's the killer.
ELLA: Wait a minute, there is
some good news, you guys.
He used the app to RSVP
for a mixer at Top Meet.
It's happening tonight.
Okay. We got to get
to this party.
Use what we know about FOREVER29
and single him out.
LUCIFER: Okay, fine. I'll go.
Seeing as I'm the only
interesting single person here,
I think I'm our one shot
to catching the killer.
Lucifer, we're looking
for a guy.
Your point?
DAN: Uh...
He's a dude. And he's straight.
Mm-hmm. That's never
stopped me before, Daniel.
I'm so good at flipping men,
they call me The Skillet.
Oh, wow. Okay.
We need a woman, so I'll go.
What? You, Detective?
Socialize and flirt? Come on.
Yeah, but for the investigation,
I can sacrifice.
Can't be that hard
being frivolous and shallow.
I'll just channel
my inner Lucifer.
What, you want to become
a female version of me?
Okay.
I'll gladly train you.
Chloe does Lucifer?
I wouldn't exactly word it
that way...
Get ready to go
full me, Detective.
LUCIFER: Oh, the Paris shows
were glorious.
Yes, worth the jetlag alone.
How was your weekend?
CHLOE: Uh, awesome. Great.
Uh, Saturday,
went camping with my daughter.
And, uh, Sunday,
did a big Costco run.
(laughs) There's, like,
300 hot dogs in my freezer.
Oh, really?
That is so interest...
Oh, dear. Look what you did
to poor Giancarlo.
Dead from boredom.
Now, look, you're going
to this Top Meet mixer
to hunt down a killer,
not to talk about your hunt
for bulk food bargains.
Okay.
Sorry I'm not fancy-schmancy
enough for Giancarlo.
Okay, let's get
the terminology straight.
Not "fancy-schmancy."
Sophisticated.
Oh, whatever.
Why don't you just
give me some tips
on how to blend in
with that crowd. Okay?
You think being
as fascinating as I am
can be boiled down
to a few tips?
This is not paint by numbers.
Goodness me, I need a drink.
Oh. Thank you.
I have a tip, Mom. Don't
talk about me. Mm. Mm!
Yes, definitely,
no mention of the child.
Ugh.
And enough with the tips.
Why don't we do
a little role-play, hmm?
Okay. You be a randy single man,
I'll be...
I'll be the new you.
Okay, I've never once done that.
LUCIFER: My point exactly.
Meet Lucinda. Come on.
Gosh, this is gonna be
harder than I thought.
(sighs)
Oh, crap.
(mouthing)
(panting)
(elevator bell dings)
(grunts)
Oh.
Need some help there, sir?
There you go.
(exhales)
Good news, Ella.
I've been admitted to
the Forensic Shadow Program.
What is that?
A mentorship program.
Which means I will be
your student.
I am going to stick
to you like glue,
so I can learn how
to be good... at forensics.
Stuff comes up
constantly in court.
That's great.
UNI: Hold it, please!
(panting)
Oh, I don't think so, buddy.
I mean, what am I,
Mother Teresa?
My, my.
Detective.
You look...
Like a female Lucifer?
Well, that's what
I was going for.
(chuckles) Well,
close enough,
but you're going to need this.
Do I really need to wear
an ear bug?
Absolutely.
From what we know
about our killer,
blue-eyed sushi snob
who loves surfing
and splooshing, I'd say you're
a bit out of your comfort zone,
so you're going to need
to bring Lucinda's A game.
You mean your A game.
Absolutely.
Oh, and while we're at it,
do you need a refresher on
"splooshing"? It's very simple.
You just cover yourself in... No, no.
Stop. I'm good, I'm good.
But... oh.
Except for...
What, you don't want to wear it?
It's not...
really Lucinda's style.
Right.
Oh.
Okay.
There.
I'm ready.
Yes, you are.
Good luck.
Thank you.
(cameras clicking)
♪♪ Everybody's singing
the same song ♪♪
♪♪ It goes "tonight,
tonight, tonight ♪♪
♪♪ Tonight, tonight, tonight"
♪♪ I never realized
♪♪ These artists thought
so much about dying... ♪♪
Hi. I'll get a, uh, IPA, please.
LUCIFER (over bug):
No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Not beer. Prosecco.
But I hate Prosecco.
Well, tough luck.
Lucinda loves it.
(laughs) Beer.
It's a good job I'm here.
Yeah, man. Close call.
(clears throat)
Possible suspect, moving in.
LUCIFER:
Right. Whatever he says to you,
just laugh.
(laughs softly) Hey there.
What's your name?
(laughs)
Lucinda.
LUCIFER: No, no... (laughs)
Not like a demented witch
on crack.
A deep, sultry laugh.
(laughs)
Ha, ha, ha.
Ha... I'm sorry.
I think I may have had
a little too much Prosecco
on an empty stomach.
I should have had that sushi.
Did you try the
sushi? Is it good?
No, no. I didn't.
I'm a, I'm a vegan.
Oh.
Anyway.
You might want to go easy
on the bubbles.
Ah.
(sighs)
Smooth.
Beginner's bad luck.
Look, it's hard to do justice
to my captivating essence,
but she'll get the hang of it.
Don't be such
a Debbie Downer, Daniel.
(quietly): Sorry.
Hey. Hey.
Hi.
You're really tan.
Are you, uh, are you a surfer?
Well, I'd sure like to surf
in your eyes.
LUCIFER: Ugh, dearie me.
He's lucky it's not a crime
to be a cheeseball.
Anyway, at least
the ice is broken.
Now, just make small talk.
So I drove up
to this meditation retreat
in Big Sur last week.
No, no, no!
PCH is closed.
Say you helicoptered...
Shush.
Uh, excuse me?
Sploosh. I said "sploosh."
Are you into splooshing?
(sighs)
Time to change tactics.
You know what?
Enjoy the Prosecco, Lucinda.
I don't believe this.
Ditching protocol mid-sting?
Who does that?
Maybe she'll do better
on her own.
Don't be ridiculous, Daniel.
She'll flounder
without my expert guidance.
Oh, yeah. Right.
I'm clearly needed
on the front lines.
You just stay here
and do what you do best.
Nada.
(scoffs)
CHLOE: Oh, I love traveling.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Any fun plans coming up?
Um, well, I...
I was thinking of, uh,
maybe getting out of the city
and taking my daughter camping.
Cool.
I-I love the outdoors.
CHLOE: Oh. I'm a surfer.
CHLOE: Really?
Goes well with camping.
I've always wanted
to try surfing.
But I... You should...
Oh, hi, Lucifer.
This is Benji.
CHLOE: He just had
four pieces of sashimi,
and we just started
talking about surfing.
Oh, lovely. Now, I insist
you put your mic back in
immediately.
We can't hear a thing
in the truck.
You are being quite loud.
(groans) Nice work.
LUCIFER: Bloody hell.
WOMAN: Hey, there goes Benji!
MAN: Benji, over here!
Whoa.
You have to save me from them.
DAN: Uh, yeah.
They're with me.
Not bad for nada, huh?
(chuckles)
Wait, she's a cop?
Detective Decker, LAPD.
We want to talk to you
about a murder.
MAN:
Benji, you're the best, bro!
You're not paparazzi?
What?
Oh, thank God.
I mean, the things
Dad gets credit for.
(mouths)
Yeah, I went on a date with her.
Just the other night.
Still can't believe she's, uh...
she's dead.
Oh?
Did you think she'd survive
you murdering her?
I told you, I'm innocent.
Well, you're an overpaid DJ,
so that's up for debate.
It seems you were the last
person to see Kim alive.
I couldn't have been.
When I dropped her off
after our date,
her roommate was still there.
How do you know that?
Because that's the reason
I didn't go upstairs
like Kim suggested.
I was trying to avoid Esther.
What, kombucha martini girl?
Do you know her roommate?
To the extent
that you can know someone
who's glued to her phone
and talks in hashtags.
(scoffs) Yep, that's her.
How did you two meet?
We matched on the Top Meet app
a few weeks ago.
Went on two exhausting dates.
Then why go on the second date?
Because I wanted
to see Kim again.
I met her at the apartment
when I picked up Esther
for our first date.
She wasn't there
the second time.
So you can imagine
how stoked I was
when she popped up
on the Top Meet app.
LUCIFER: No.
I can't, actually.
You're saying that you used
a top hat to get to a shoe?
He must be lying, Detective.
BENJI: I'm not lying.
I really liked Kim.
She was different than all
the other women on the app.
What, different as in duller,
more mundane
and dressed for less?
No, as in she
didn't make me feel
like I had to be on
all the time.
With her, I could...
I could just be myself.
Interesting.
Thanks.
(clears throat)
What if Esther found out
about Benji and Kim?
Got jealous, lost control...
This goddess,
jealous of the plain Jane?
It's-it's ludicrous!
It's like me being jealous
of that paper clip.
Or Daniel.
I mean, not to mention
Esther is far too busy
for murder, Detective.
Look. She flew
to Florence last week
just 'cause she fancied
eating some gelato.
She went on a plane
to get ice cream?
Well, when you say it in
English, it sounds silly.
Oh. Hello. Look at that belfie.
(chuckles) Bet you could bounce
a quarter off that derrière.
Oh. Yeah...
Wait, uh, go back.
There. What?
Something small and compact
and surprisingly heavy
for its size.
Well, what's Miss Lopez's
Aunt Rosalita
got to do with anything?
Look.
The dumbbell.
It wasn't at the crime scene.
It matches the bruises
on the victim,
it's a weapon of convenience,
and it fits the crime of passion
scenario.
Doesn't mean Esther was
the one to wield it, though.
If my theory of jealousy
is right, she was.
Trust me, Detective,
there's no way that Esther
has ever used a weight...
I refer once again to her
naturally sublime derrière.
(quietly): Oh, crap.
You're avoiding me, aren't you?
Don't be crazy.
No. I just...
you know,
like my floors spotless.
An evidence lab can
never be too clean.
And that is your Forensic
Lesson of the Day.
More next week?
Why don't you want to mentor me?
It's not that
I don't want to, okay?
I just don't have the time.
Well, I've been watching you.
You have plenty of time.
You just waste it chitchatting.
You mean socializing?
Connecting with people
isn't a waste.
Okay.
Let's be honest here.
You don't really care about
anyone's kids or whatever.
I mean, you're faking it, right?
Just tell me, how do you keep
your eyes from glazing over?
There is no Forensic Shadow
Program, is there?
Even if I had been
tempted to help...
And I'm not saying that I had...
Now that I know you lied?
Poof!
Temptation officially gone.
♪♪ All right
♪♪ She said the ride is rough
♪♪ But love the way it rumbles
♪♪ Mmm
♪♪ She said
the ride is rough... ♪♪
Okay, so I'm thinking:
Big band over here
and two long, two long
buffet tables over here...
or should we do three?
Well, it depends. How
many people are coming?
Uh, just 350.
350?
Wow.
I didn't realize how much
you still cared about Reese.
Of course I do!
I'm heartbroken about his death.
Distraught, really.
Can barely function.
Okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay, okay,
I'm functioning perfectly.
I only feel terrible
that I don't feel terrible
about his death.
Okay, so all of this
is just a...
A pathetic attempt
to cover up the fact
that I can't stop thinking
about me.
Me, me.
Me and my own brush with death.
I understand, Linda. I mean... How
could you possibly understand
what it's like to be rotisseried
by the, by the goddess
of all creation?
Dealing with mortality
was so much easier
when I was just another
clueless idiot.
Being a celestial insider...
really sucks.
I used to walk around thinking
maybe reincarnation was real.
Sure, it sounded bonkers,
but I could still wonder,
still hope.
What if I came back
as a chameleon or something?
Chameleons are cool.
But now I know
that's never happening,
because I know,
you know, everything,
including where I'm headed
when... when this is over.
And where is that?
Where do you think?
I wish I'd never met any of you.
CHLOE: So we wanted
to, uh, ask you
a few...
Would you want
to put on a shirt,
or anything to cover...
your body?
No. Why? Are you cold?
Yes. Would you like
my jacket, Detective?
No. I am great, thank you.
Right.
So, when was this photo taken?
Uh, I took that on my way
to Tokyo, I think.
Sorry.
I travel so much,
it's hard to keep track.
(laughs)
It's actually something else
that we're trying to track down.
This pink dumbbell here?
It went missing
the night of Kim's murder.
Any idea where it went?
Nope.
It's not mine. I don't work out.
Ah. Everything you see
is God-given. LUCIFER:
And they say that
Dad doesn't give
with both hands.
So, the dumbbell.
You're saying that's Kim's?
Yeah. Poor thing
tried so hard to be like me.
So how did it feel
when you realized
that Benji preferred Kim to you?
Nuh, uh-uh-uh. Sneaky.
Don't listen
to the detective, darling.
She's trying to trick you.
You just look into my eyes
so we can prove to her
that she's wrong.
Now, you're too sophisticated
to care about your boring
flatmate's trifles, aren't you?
Tell me, what is it
that you really desire?
I...
I...
Yeah.
...want to...
stop posing and lying!
It takes so much effort
to make these pics look
so effortless.
It's exhausting!
Well, so you're saying
it's just all a facade?
I don't even know
what that word means!
I'm not worldly at all!
♪♪ Barbados?
More like
♪♪ Bogus.
The most exotic place
I've ever been
is the gym's sauna.
But you said
you didn't work out.
Of course I do.
With real equipment, at a gym,
not in my living room.
So you're still saying
that the dumbbell is Kim's?
Yeah. She tried everything to be
part of my glamorous lifestyle.
She was even planning
on getting surgery
once all the money came in.
What money?
I don't know,
but she made it sound
life-changing.
CHLOE: Maybe the motive
for Kim's murder was financial.
Maybe she was coming
into some inheritance,
and someone wasn't
happy about it.
I can't believe
Esther was a fake.
I mean, how did I
completely misjudge her?
Lucifer, are you listening?
We need to look
into this windfall.
Detective, I think
I've been spending too
much time with you.
It's turned my
top hat radar rusty.
What? But no offense,
but I think I need
to go and hang out with
some interesting people
before you turn me into a shoe.
(seagulls squawking,
waves crashing)
I'm sorry. Mm.
I don't regret meeting you.
I just... It's a lot.
I've calmed down now,
so can we go?
Lie down with me, Linda.
On the... on the sand?
Oh, okay.
(seagulls squawking)
Listen,
there was a time when I, too,
thought that I knew everything.
This was... this was back
when I was an angel
and spent all my time
looking down on the world.
But, you see, I found
that it takes looking up
to gain perspective.
It's a good reminder
of just how much
there is that we don't know.
Linda...
if you really think about it...
do you have any fewer
questions than you used to?
When you didn't know?
I mean, they're...
they're different questions,
but there are just
as many, maybe more.
So you're still every bit
the clueless idiot
that you always were?
(both laughing)
(sighs)
That helps.
Still sucks about
the chameleon, though.
(laughs)
Thank you.
(seagulls squawking)
I can't find any sign
of that windfall.
As far as I can tell, there was
no money coming Kim's way.
Oh, there's got to be something.
There is.
Charlotte,
what are you doing here?
I felt unsettled
about lying to you.
Um, I thought I could make up
for it by making myself useful.
So, I overheard you talking
about finding a connection
between the dead girl
and that exclusive dating app.
So I did a little digging,
and I found one...
Well, we're long past that.
Are you sure?
I had to pull some strings
to get this.
It's an employment contract
between Kim
and the owner of the app,
Mack something.
Drawn up two years ago
in total secrecy.
But Mack said
that he hadn't met Kim
until she called him that night.
Oh, he met her, all right.
Kim hired him.
She hired him?
And then hacked his app?
It doesn't make sense.
Unless...
she didn't hack it.
Top Meet's encryption protocol
is impossible to crack.
Except to the person
who built it.
Exactly.
So, if Kim created Top Meet,
then who the hell is Mack?
(sighs): Well, no computer
whiz, that's for sure.
C-minus student,
barely graduated high school.
Voted Most Likely
to Sleep His Way to the Top.
And guess what he was
doing before Top Meet.
Spin instructor.
Okay, wh-why would Kim
hire him, though,
if she's this genius
computer engineer?
What does he bring
to the equation?
Uh... that.
Look at him
and then look at her.
If both came to you
asking for funding for
an elite dating app,
whose project
would you invest in?
Well, yeah, if you're being
all superfish and whatevs.
CHLOE: Which many people are.
Maybe Kim felt she wasn't
fancy-schmancy enough,
so she hid the fact
that she was the creator,
and hired pretty boy Mack here
to be the facade.
In secret. Explains
why it didn't come up
in the background check.
So Kim's insecurities
allowed Mack to take the credit.
And the money.
Which she wanted to take back.
That's the windfall
she was expecting.
It's a strong motive
for him to kill her.
Yeah, but didn't his alibi check out?
He could have
easily convinced one of his
employees to lie for him.
It's a solid theory, but still,
it's just a theory... we need proof.
(sighs)
I really wish we had
that murderous dumbbell
right about now.
Well, if Mack did it,
I think we know where to find it.
Hmm? We do?
Uh, there's a good chance
the murder weapon
is at Mack's place.
Seasoned killers know
to leave it at the scene,
but first-timers,
they tend to take it with them.
I can't count the times I've
allegedly helped a client unmake
that mistake.
Really?
What? I said "allegedly."
We need to get a search warrant
for Mack's place.
Yeah, good luck with that.
Excuse me?
Mack's lawyer will argue
that all you have is conjecture
based on circumstantial
evidence,
and any judge will agree.
You're never getting
that warrant.
Well, then it's a good thing
I am exactly our killer's type.
Mack! I love the place.
Mr. Morningstar.
How about
a gentlemen's weekend in Vegas?
I need to scrape the rust
off my playboy ways, and you're
just the chap to help this Devil
get his groove back.
What do you say?
(chuckles) That sounds fun.
Yeah. Uh...
but I'm afraid I have
a previous engagement.
Oh?
(clears throat)
Some alone time
with the detective?
Not alone anymore. Oh, Mack.
I suppose we all have
our low points.
But not to worry,
I've got a chopper waiting...
If we leave now,
we can still make the
Encore pool party.
(chuckles) I'm afraid
you're gonna have to leave,
Detective... I'm
trying to kick off
a Most Interesting
Bachelors' Bacchanalian here.
You leave. I'm having fun.
Something going on
between you two?
Absolutely not. Absolutely not.
I'm gonna grab a beer.
Decide for yourselves who gets
the pleasure of my company.
(chuckles): Okay. (chuckles)
Well, I didn't have him
pegged for your type.
I thought you
preferred them boring.
You think I'm on a date?
I am here looking
for the murder weapon, Lucifer.
What, so now you think
Mack's the killer?
(chuckles) You're just profiling
fabulous people, aren't you?
Enough with this crusade
against us already.
Mack isn't fabulous.
Kim created Top Meet.
He stole it.
What?
Another phony? Yes.
(sighs)
I suppose that explains the
self-aggrandizing artwork.
CHLOE: Would you just help me
find the weapon?
Please? (sighs)
Okay, fine, in my experience,
it's, uh, usually in the toilet.
Oh, I checked there.
Uh... freezer?
It's not there, either.
Well, the fireplace, then.
(sighs): Oh, Lucifer.
There's no way.
I mean,
could he really be
dumb enough to...
(clacking) to...
Lucifer.
Wha...
Ah.
Well, I think you put
the dumb into dumbbell.
(gun cocks) MACK: Decided
against the beer...
(Because A) carbs, and B)
two cops showing up
at my house on the same day.
Uh, figured that
must not be a coincidence.
Still think I'm dumb?
Basic deduction
doesn't make you a genius, Mack.
But then again,
you're used to taking
more credit than you deserve.
Yes, Mack...
Or should I say... Hack?
Waste of a pun. You're
gonna have to spell it out
for him, Detective.
We know that Kim
created Top Meet.
Oh, yeah? You know she was
also gonna destroy it, too?
She sneaks onto the site,
goes on one good date,
and then wants to make the app
more accessible.
So stupid!
What's stupid
about thinking someone deserves
to be loved
for who they really are?
Kim was the brains, Mack.
You were just the face.
Just the face?
Kim was Wozniak. I'm Jobs.
No one gives a crap
about Wozniak.
Oh, please, Mack.
What you are is a fraud.
Which, unfortunately,
makes you boring.
And predictable. Watch.
Put that down. Or what?
You're gonna blow your own face
to smithereens, Mack?
It's quite heavy,
isn't it? At least
they got the density right.
Ooh!
Heads up!
Nice catch.
Today interesting
enough for you?
Well, beats Monopoly.
(Lucifer chuckles)
♪♪
LUCIFER: But in the end,
the shoe turned out
to be interesting,
and the top hat, boring.
Right. So you're gonna
embrace your boring side now?
Well, I would,
but I have no boring side.
Ah. Even the most trivial
of nights takes a turn
for the exciting
when I'm involved.
I just got to throw
a man's own head at him.
That sounds... painful.
Oh, don't worry,
he deserved it...
For pretending to be
something he wasn't.
I mean, people really do waste
an awful lot of time
trying to be interesting.
People.
Not you, though.
Oh, no. To me,
it just comes effortlessly.
All I have to do
is just be myself.
Hmm.
Mm.
But what I really want
to know is,
how have you been doing?
Well...
I was in a really dark place.
But...
someone helped me
gain perspective.
How's that saying go?
We're all in the gutter,
but some of us are
looking up at the stars.
The stars are just gas bags,
and I never would have
fed Oscar that line
had I known how much I'd have to
hear people quote it back to me.
Oscar freakin' Wilde?
Mm-hmm. Really?
Now, he was
an interesting bachelor.
(chuckles)
Anyway, I'm glad to hear
that you are doing better.
This calls for a celebration.
So...
Oscar, huh?
Mm.
Tell me everything.
(sighs): Well...
he was straight
when I first met him.
(gasps): Oh, God!
That one was all you.
I was about to knock.
(sighs): There's...
something I need to tell you.
Funny.
There's actually something
I need to tell you, too.
Thank you.
That contract helped put
a killer behind bars.
You did a good thing.
I stole it.
Aw, man.
Seriously?
You know what?
It still counts, okay?
You did a bad thing.
But it was for a good reason.
Really? Yes.
But only if, in good faith,
you try to do it
the right way first.
Being good takes practice.
Okay? So just keep at it,
and you'll get better.
I guess I should take
that job, then.
What job?
I've been offered a position
in the D.A.'s office to...
help put criminals away
for a change.
Yeah, but like you would
ever take that pay cut.
Yeah, I know.
(sighs): But anyway,
um, sometimes there's
more important things...
than money.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, like
all the things money can buy.
Too late...
You talked me into it.
I did?
Yes. This job is
the perfect place...
to practice
this "being good" thing.
And bonus.
I'll be around here more.
(chuckles quietly)
Yeah.
Bonus.
So, how did Lucinda do, Mom?
Uh, she did... okay.
Helped us catch the
bad guy in the end.
Thank you. No, I meant...
how did meeting new people
at the party go?
Oh.
Well, um...
I actually...
had a pretty good time.
I mean, but only once I...
stopped being Lucinda
and started being myself.
You know, it can be scary
sometimes, but...
being who you really are
is never a bad idea.
Hey, there's a piece missing.
(mellow jazz piano playing)
♪♪
Lucifer.
(exhales)
Are you coming?
Uh...
how about a nice
round of Monopoly?
Yeah?
Little face-painting, maybe?
(chuckles)
I didn't think so.
Hmm.
♪♪
We're separated.
Sign the divorce papers.
(grunts)
What's with the cold shoulder?
You seduced me.
You almost die, and then
you ghost me for weeks.
Nothing about any of that
makes any sense to me.
Doesn't make any sense
to me, either.
I used to see a light in you.
All I see now is darkness.
I just wanted to say thank you
for saving my life.
Take her gun.
CHLOE: He saved my life.
DAN: Chloe's fine.
Luckily, Pierce was with her.
But I wasn't.
Happy birthday, Detective.
Beautiful.
What is it? It's the bullet.
From when you shot me.
Oh.
♪♪
LUCIFER: Mm, this is
a new one on me, Detective.
CHLOE: Mm, mm, well,
there's a first time
for everything.
LUCIFER: Yes, but I've heard
it can take hours.
I'm not sure even I have
the endurance for that.
CHLOE: Mm... BEATRICE: Don't
worry, I'll help you.
I'll be the top hat.
I will be the race car,
because I'm gonna
leave you both in the dust.
(laughs) Very funny.
Uh, wheelbarrow,
shoe, ah...
Guess I'm gonna have
to be the shot glass.
Cheers. Oh, that's a thimble.
What? What? I want to conquer
real estate, not mend socks.
So then be the shoe. Please,
I am not a shoe.
Clearly I'm a top hat,
so come on, hand it over.
Want it? It's gonna cost you.
Oh, well, name
your price, urchin.
Oh, I'm not talking fake money.
Oh, wow, she slammed you.
(chuckles)
♪♪ Give me a freaky
kinky nation ♪♪
♪♪ With a total female population
♪♪ (elevator bell chimes)
♪♪ I can deal
with that situation ♪♪
♪♪ I don't care
about my reputation ♪♪
♪♪ Give me a freaky
kinky nation ♪♪
♪♪ With a total female
population ♪♪
♪♪ I can deal with that sit...
(music off)
Imagine my disappointment
when I realized
there was no raging party.
It's a security thing.
Worked for that Home Alone kid,
but, obviously,
you can't take a hint.
Wasn't I being clear
last time I kicked you out?
Oh, clearly being a jerk.
Which is exactly why
I came to look in on you.
(drink pouring)
You see, we need the most love
when we're being most unlovable.
No offense, Brother,
but I don't need love from you.
I get plenty
from naked strangers.
And speaking of, I'm spent.
So, if you don't mind...
That's where you've been, then,
having sex with
the nameless masses?
Oh, you know me, Brother,
wine, women and song.
Just, come on, run along.
I don't need a babysitter.
Your cheek says otherwise.
Well, it turns out
"Bruce Lee mid-fly kick"
wasn't in the artist's
repertoire.
(Amenadiel laughing)
Look, I had to cut a deal
with the detective's offspring.
So that's who you were with...
Chloe and Trixie.
Well, so much for
wine, women and song.
Technically, all of those things
were represented,
when you count
the post-game karaoke.
Luci, there's absolutely
nothing wrong with...
with enjoying a quiet night in.
I did not say that I enjoyed it.
Yeah, right. Honestly,
Luci, who cares
how you spend your nights?
Um, everyone.
My exciting lifestyle gives
regular people
something to aspire to...
I provide hope.
I see. And how does
Linda feel about this
little ruse of yours?
I'm sure that the doctor
would love to dissect me,
but she's taken some time off
to deal with a death
in the family, so...
I had no idea.
I should go check on her.
Yes, excellent idea.
You do that.
Luci, I'm liking this new you.
Boring suits you, Brother.
(camera shutter clicking)
LUCIFER: Now, this poor victim,
she is boring.
We don't know anything about her.
Oh, don't we?
Generic artwork, dull clothes,
beige furniture.
I mean, even her fruit bowl's
so tragically safe...
No mangoes, no papayas.
Not even a measly avocado.
Her name's Kim Jones, 29.
She's a computer engineer.
We ran a full background check,
but we couldn't find
anything noteworthy.
A fellow nerd.
I'm sure you're in
a better place now.
LUCIFER: Well, even if she's
in the worst place,
it'd be far more interesting
than this,
because this poor lady,
definitely a shoe.
Any idea what he's
talking about?
Oh, the other night
we played Monopoly.
So, that's that story.
Ella, what's the cause of death?
Uh, BABFT.
Hmm?
Big-ass blunt force trauma
to the head.
Murder weapon's missing,
but we are looking
for something small and compact.
Surprisingly heavy for its size.
Kind of like my Aunt Rosalita.
I wish Amenadiel were here
so he could see
what boring actually looks like.
Can you believe that
he said I've become boring?
It's absurd.
DAN: Oh, I don't know.
Monopoly doesn't really sound
like the old Lucifer.
And I have to say,
you have become a bit
more normal.
How dare you. Crazy idea.
Let's talk less about Lucifer
and more about the murder.
Crime-scene selfies? Really?
ELLA: Classy move.
And that is Esther,
our victim's roommate.
She found the body when she
came home from partying.
Well, what's such
a dynamic young lady doing
living with a... Kim?
Oh, never mind,
she looks traumatized.
I'll go comfort her. Uh-huh.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Hel...
No photos at a crime scene.
Sorry.
Not even one last one
with the handsome cop?
(chuckles) Don't let the boring
detective spoil things.
It would be my pleasure.
Right.
DAN: Oh. (chuckles)
Bless your heart.
Obviously, I'm far
too well-dressed
to be a cop.
So, I take it that
you aren't close
with your roommate?
No, I don't spend
much time here.
Obviously. Besides, me and Kim,
totally different squads.
Kim followed more people
than followed her,
if you know what I mean.
♪♪ Shoe.
Can you think of anyone
who would want her dead?
I don't think anyone wanted
much of anything from Kim.
Okay, well,
there was no break-in,
there was no struggle,
which likely means
that Kim knew the killer.
So, can you think of anything?
A recent breakup, a fight?
She did get into a yelling match
on the phone last night Oh.
But I assume that was with
the Thai delivery place.
And I assume that's
the poor dear's
closest relationship?
What time was the...
the argument?
I'll tell you
if you hand me my phone back.
I was getting ready to go out,
and I totally remember the pic
I was uploading at the time.
There: Kombucha martini.
10:39 p.m.
All right, I'll trace
Kim's phone call at that time.
You guys mind if I post
that I'm totes helping
a police investigation?
Absolutely.
Do you mind tagging me?
♪♪
CHLOE: Ella traced Kim's call
to this business.
Top Meet. Interesting name
for a Thai restaurant.
No, it's a dating app for
L.A.'s most fabulous singles.
Super exclusive.
Seems you need
to get recommended
and meet a bunch
of selection criteria,
even go through an interview
just to create an account.
Well, then, why would our victim
be arguing with someone here?
I mean, this is clearly
a place for top hats, like us.
Please, I would never get
into something like this.
Eh, you're right.
What was I thinking?
It's way too exciting
for you, Detective... I meant me.
And him.
Gosh, kindred souls.
This interesting young fellow
and I, wouldn't you say?
Except that, apparently,
he's slightly more
interesting than you.
Well, journalistic
hyperbole, clearly.
Eh... Can I help you?
Oh.
Mack Slater. I'm the CEO.
If you are here for the
selection interview,
I'll spare you.
I created Top Meet
for people exactly like you.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
I'm actually...
I was talking to the lady.
You're exactly my type.
I mean the app's type.
Bit on the nose there, Big Mack.
We're here for a different
kind of interview.
There's been a murder,
and our victim's last call
was to someone in this building.
A homicide detective, huh?
(phone rings)
Uh-huh. Wow. You just got
even more interesting.
Funny, so did you.
Just found out who our victim
was fighting with... you.
Ah. Most interesting
bachelor, indeed.
♪♪
If you didn't know her,
then how did you fight with her?
'Cause she was nuts.
I'm confused, you just said
you didn't know her.
I know her type.
We get them from time to time.
They want to be on Top Meet,
they can't clear our high bar,
and then they get pissed
about it.
Problem with her was she just
wouldn't take no for an answer.
And then, uh, she hacked
her way onto my app,
and then our users
complained, of course.
Because nobody joins Top Meet
to hook up with some...
random nobody, and so
we had to kick her off.
Okay, and is that
when she got angry
and called to complain?
(laughs) No, it was more
like she went psycho.
Ah, well, boring people never
like to be told they're dull.
Right, Detective?
What did you do after the call?
I stayed here, I worked late.
We've been busy as hell
these days.
Not nearly, I can assure you.
Well, I'd like to talk to anyone
who can corroborate your alibi.
Also, I'll need a list
of any of the users
that complained about Kim.
No can do.
With so many celebrity clients,
our entire business model
is based off
our ironclad privacy protocols.
Fine, I'll just get a warrant.
Good luck with that.
I mean, how long
did it take the FBI
to hack one cell phone?
Yep, I'll have
the tech team get on it.
You got it, Chloe. Ah!
CHARLOTTE: Hello, Ms. Lopez.
I wanted to ask you something.
You know this darkness
that you say you see in me?
Mm-hmm. I've been
trying to address it,
and, uh, details would help.
So, where do you
see it, exactly?
How? When?
Like, now.
Right about there.
Oh.
Hmm.
Little better?
But you know, still,
you don't exactly scream
rainbows and sunshine,
even when you're not
wielding murder weapons.
Well, for the record,
I wouldn't stab you,
not here, with all
these cops around.
Oh, come on, that was funny.
Oh, yeah. Ha, ha. Funny.
Also dark.
Right. Fair point.
But it's cool.
You know, being dark.
To each their own, you know?
Wow, you really have this
"being good" thing down.
Huh?
You know, you might be
just the person to guide me.
To where?
Somewhere other than Hell.
See, I've, um, I've learned
that there are consequences
to my darkness.
Really permanent ones,
as it turns out.
And I was thinking
you could help me avoid them?
No way, José.
I mean, I wish
I could help you, I do,
but I'm so busy.
With what? You know.
Cases, forensic stuff.
The lieutenant won't be back
from medical leave
until next week, so it's, like,
cray-cray up in here.
ELLA: Oh, hey, Dan.
I bet you need me
to go do that thing, huh?
That super urgent
forensic thing.
Yeah, yeah. See?
Cray-cray.
Well...
I'm just gonna...
I was... Yeah.
Bye.
(grunts) Excuse me.
LINDA: You know,
you're exposing yourself
to dreadful consequences.
And I'm not talking
bad Yelp reviews,
I'm talking Hell.
Turns out: Real.
(laughing): I know.
I know, right?
Shocker to me, too.
But not as much as your dancing
queen candle arrangements!
Hey,
Linda.
Is everything okay?
Amenadiel, hi.
I'm so glad you're here.
I'm trying to plan
my ex-husband's memorial,
and I could really use
another opinion.
Um, okay. So, which one
do you like best?
Just, knee-jerk reaction.
Go.
That one?
Really?
Really? You don't think
it's too ornate?
That one.
You're right.
This one's simple, yet elegant.
See, you're just
the insight I needed.
Busy tomorrow?
LUCIFER: That looks
absolutely nothing
like our victim.
Take note, Daniel. These filters
could be the answer
to your dating drought.
ELLA: Or not... I mean,
Kim only got one match.
What... really?
After all the effort
our shoe went through
to make herself
look like a top hat,
she only got the interest
of one gentleman?
Gentleman? You mean suspect.
Yep. Username, FOREVER29.
The app arranged
a date for them,
and based on their likes
and locations,
it suggested a sushi place
on Melrose.
Even made a reservation for them
for the night of the murder.
CHLOE: This guy's using the app
as a hunting ground; He could be
targeting somebody right now.
We got to find him.
Yeah, but how?
We can't even get an I.D.
Yeah. Tech team hasn't
been able to crack
Top Meet's security algo.
Which means Kim had
mad hacking skills.
So can we use
FOREVER29's profile pic
and run it through
facial recognition?
Yeah, I know, I thought
about that, but...
(Lucifer groans)
LUCIFER: Partial profiles pics.
Such a telltale sign
of low self-esteem.
Or our guy's keeping
his profile secret
because he's the killer.
ELLA: Wait a minute, there is
some good news, you guys.
He used the app to RSVP
for a mixer at Top Meet.
It's happening tonight.
Okay. We got to get
to this party.
Use what we know about FOREVER29
and single him out.
LUCIFER: Okay, fine. I'll go.
Seeing as I'm the only
interesting single person here,
I think I'm our one shot
to catching the killer.
Lucifer, we're looking
for a guy.
Your point?
DAN: Uh...
He's a dude. And he's straight.
Mm-hmm. That's never
stopped me before, Daniel.
I'm so good at flipping men,
they call me The Skillet.
Oh, wow. Okay.
We need a woman, so I'll go.
What? You, Detective?
Socialize and flirt? Come on.
Yeah, but for the investigation,
I can sacrifice.
Can't be that hard
being frivolous and shallow.
I'll just channel
my inner Lucifer.
What, you want to become
a female version of me?
Okay.
I'll gladly train you.
Chloe does Lucifer?
I wouldn't exactly word it
that way...
Get ready to go
full me, Detective.
LUCIFER: Oh, the Paris shows
were glorious.
Yes, worth the jetlag alone.
How was your weekend?
CHLOE: Uh, awesome. Great.
Uh, Saturday,
went camping with my daughter.
And, uh, Sunday,
did a big Costco run.
(laughs) There's, like,
300 hot dogs in my freezer.
Oh, really?
That is so interest...
Oh, dear. Look what you did
to poor Giancarlo.
Dead from boredom.
Now, look, you're going
to this Top Meet mixer
to hunt down a killer,
not to talk about your hunt
for bulk food bargains.
Okay.
Sorry I'm not fancy-schmancy
enough for Giancarlo.
Okay, let's get
the terminology straight.
Not "fancy-schmancy."
Sophisticated.
Oh, whatever.
Why don't you just
give me some tips
on how to blend in
with that crowd. Okay?
You think being
as fascinating as I am
can be boiled down
to a few tips?
This is not paint by numbers.
Goodness me, I need a drink.
Oh. Thank you.
I have a tip, Mom. Don't
talk about me. Mm. Mm!
Yes, definitely,
no mention of the child.
Ugh.
And enough with the tips.
Why don't we do
a little role-play, hmm?
Okay. You be a randy single man,
I'll be...
I'll be the new you.
Okay, I've never once done that.
LUCIFER: My point exactly.
Meet Lucinda. Come on.
Gosh, this is gonna be
harder than I thought.
(sighs)
Oh, crap.
(mouthing)
(panting)
(elevator bell dings)
(grunts)
Oh.
Need some help there, sir?
There you go.
(exhales)
Good news, Ella.
I've been admitted to
the Forensic Shadow Program.
What is that?
A mentorship program.
Which means I will be
your student.
I am going to stick
to you like glue,
so I can learn how
to be good... at forensics.
Stuff comes up
constantly in court.
That's great.
UNI: Hold it, please!
(panting)
Oh, I don't think so, buddy.
I mean, what am I,
Mother Teresa?
My, my.
Detective.
You look...
Like a female Lucifer?
Well, that's what
I was going for.
(chuckles) Well,
close enough,
but you're going to need this.
Do I really need to wear
an ear bug?
Absolutely.
From what we know
about our killer,
blue-eyed sushi snob
who loves surfing
and splooshing, I'd say you're
a bit out of your comfort zone,
so you're going to need
to bring Lucinda's A game.
You mean your A game.
Absolutely.
Oh, and while we're at it,
do you need a refresher on
"splooshing"? It's very simple.
You just cover yourself in... No, no.
Stop. I'm good, I'm good.
But... oh.
Except for...
What, you don't want to wear it?
It's not...
really Lucinda's style.
Right.
Oh.
Okay.
There.
I'm ready.
Yes, you are.
Good luck.
Thank you.
(cameras clicking)
♪♪ Everybody's singing
the same song ♪♪
♪♪ It goes "tonight,
tonight, tonight ♪♪
♪♪ Tonight, tonight, tonight"
♪♪ I never realized
♪♪ These artists thought
so much about dying... ♪♪
Hi. I'll get a, uh, IPA, please.
LUCIFER (over bug):
No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Not beer. Prosecco.
But I hate Prosecco.
Well, tough luck.
Lucinda loves it.
(laughs) Beer.
It's a good job I'm here.
Yeah, man. Close call.
(clears throat)
Possible suspect, moving in.
LUCIFER:
Right. Whatever he says to you,
just laugh.
(laughs softly) Hey there.
What's your name?
(laughs)
Lucinda.
LUCIFER: No, no... (laughs)
Not like a demented witch
on crack.
A deep, sultry laugh.
(laughs)
Ha, ha, ha.
Ha... I'm sorry.
I think I may have had
a little too much Prosecco
on an empty stomach.
I should have had that sushi.
Did you try the
sushi? Is it good?
No, no. I didn't.
I'm a, I'm a vegan.
Oh.
Anyway.
You might want to go easy
on the bubbles.
Ah.
(sighs)
Smooth.
Beginner's bad luck.
Look, it's hard to do justice
to my captivating essence,
but she'll get the hang of it.
Don't be such
a Debbie Downer, Daniel.
(quietly): Sorry.
Hey. Hey.
Hi.
You're really tan.
Are you, uh, are you a surfer?
Well, I'd sure like to surf
in your eyes.
LUCIFER: Ugh, dearie me.
He's lucky it's not a crime
to be a cheeseball.
Anyway, at least
the ice is broken.
Now, just make small talk.
So I drove up
to this meditation retreat
in Big Sur last week.
No, no, no!
PCH is closed.
Say you helicoptered...
Shush.
Uh, excuse me?
Sploosh. I said "sploosh."
Are you into splooshing?
(sighs)
Time to change tactics.
You know what?
Enjoy the Prosecco, Lucinda.
I don't believe this.
Ditching protocol mid-sting?
Who does that?
Maybe she'll do better
on her own.
Don't be ridiculous, Daniel.
She'll flounder
without my expert guidance.
Oh, yeah. Right.
I'm clearly needed
on the front lines.
You just stay here
and do what you do best.
Nada.
(scoffs)
CHLOE: Oh, I love traveling.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Any fun plans coming up?
Um, well, I...
I was thinking of, uh,
maybe getting out of the city
and taking my daughter camping.
Cool.
I-I love the outdoors.
CHLOE: Oh. I'm a surfer.
CHLOE: Really?
Goes well with camping.
I've always wanted
to try surfing.
But I... You should...
Oh, hi, Lucifer.
This is Benji.
CHLOE: He just had
four pieces of sashimi,
and we just started
talking about surfing.
Oh, lovely. Now, I insist
you put your mic back in
immediately.
We can't hear a thing
in the truck.
You are being quite loud.
(groans) Nice work.
LUCIFER: Bloody hell.
WOMAN: Hey, there goes Benji!
MAN: Benji, over here!
Whoa.
You have to save me from them.
DAN: Uh, yeah.
They're with me.
Not bad for nada, huh?
(chuckles)
Wait, she's a cop?
Detective Decker, LAPD.
We want to talk to you
about a murder.
MAN:
Benji, you're the best, bro!
You're not paparazzi?
What?
Oh, thank God.
I mean, the things
Dad gets credit for.
(mouths)
Yeah, I went on a date with her.
Just the other night.
Still can't believe she's, uh...
she's dead.
Oh?
Did you think she'd survive
you murdering her?
I told you, I'm innocent.
Well, you're an overpaid DJ,
so that's up for debate.
It seems you were the last
person to see Kim alive.
I couldn't have been.
When I dropped her off
after our date,
her roommate was still there.
How do you know that?
Because that's the reason
I didn't go upstairs
like Kim suggested.
I was trying to avoid Esther.
What, kombucha martini girl?
Do you know her roommate?
To the extent
that you can know someone
who's glued to her phone
and talks in hashtags.
(scoffs) Yep, that's her.
How did you two meet?
We matched on the Top Meet app
a few weeks ago.
Went on two exhausting dates.
Then why go on the second date?
Because I wanted
to see Kim again.
I met her at the apartment
when I picked up Esther
for our first date.
She wasn't there
the second time.
So you can imagine
how stoked I was
when she popped up
on the Top Meet app.
LUCIFER: No.
I can't, actually.
You're saying that you used
a top hat to get to a shoe?
He must be lying, Detective.
BENJI: I'm not lying.
I really liked Kim.
She was different than all
the other women on the app.
What, different as in duller,
more mundane
and dressed for less?
No, as in she
didn't make me feel
like I had to be on
all the time.
With her, I could...
I could just be myself.
Interesting.
Thanks.
(clears throat)
What if Esther found out
about Benji and Kim?
Got jealous, lost control...
This goddess,
jealous of the plain Jane?
It's-it's ludicrous!
It's like me being jealous
of that paper clip.
Or Daniel.
I mean, not to mention
Esther is far too busy
for murder, Detective.
Look. She flew
to Florence last week
just 'cause she fancied
eating some gelato.
She went on a plane
to get ice cream?
Well, when you say it in
English, it sounds silly.
Oh. Hello. Look at that belfie.
(chuckles) Bet you could bounce
a quarter off that derrière.
Oh. Yeah...
Wait, uh, go back.
There. What?
Something small and compact
and surprisingly heavy
for its size.
Well, what's Miss Lopez's
Aunt Rosalita
got to do with anything?
Look.
The dumbbell.
It wasn't at the crime scene.
It matches the bruises
on the victim,
it's a weapon of convenience,
and it fits the crime of passion
scenario.
Doesn't mean Esther was
the one to wield it, though.
If my theory of jealousy
is right, she was.
Trust me, Detective,
there's no way that Esther
has ever used a weight...
I refer once again to her
naturally sublime derrière.
(quietly): Oh, crap.
You're avoiding me, aren't you?
Don't be crazy.
No. I just...
you know,
like my floors spotless.
An evidence lab can
never be too clean.
And that is your Forensic
Lesson of the Day.
More next week?
Why don't you want to mentor me?
It's not that
I don't want to, okay?
I just don't have the time.
Well, I've been watching you.
You have plenty of time.
You just waste it chitchatting.
You mean socializing?
Connecting with people
isn't a waste.
Okay.
Let's be honest here.
You don't really care about
anyone's kids or whatever.
I mean, you're faking it, right?
Just tell me, how do you keep
your eyes from glazing over?
There is no Forensic Shadow
Program, is there?
Even if I had been
tempted to help...
And I'm not saying that I had...
Now that I know you lied?
Poof!
Temptation officially gone.
♪♪ All right
♪♪ She said the ride is rough
♪♪ But love the way it rumbles
♪♪ Mmm
♪♪ She said
the ride is rough... ♪♪
Okay, so I'm thinking:
Big band over here
and two long, two long
buffet tables over here...
or should we do three?
Well, it depends. How
many people are coming?
Uh, just 350.
350?
Wow.
I didn't realize how much
you still cared about Reese.
Of course I do!
I'm heartbroken about his death.
Distraught, really.
Can barely function.
Okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay, okay,
I'm functioning perfectly.
I only feel terrible
that I don't feel terrible
about his death.
Okay, so all of this
is just a...
A pathetic attempt
to cover up the fact
that I can't stop thinking
about me.
Me, me.
Me and my own brush with death.
I understand, Linda. I mean... How
could you possibly understand
what it's like to be rotisseried
by the, by the goddess
of all creation?
Dealing with mortality
was so much easier
when I was just another
clueless idiot.
Being a celestial insider...
really sucks.
I used to walk around thinking
maybe reincarnation was real.
Sure, it sounded bonkers,
but I could still wonder,
still hope.
What if I came back
as a chameleon or something?
Chameleons are cool.
But now I know
that's never happening,
because I know,
you know, everything,
including where I'm headed
when... when this is over.
And where is that?
Where do you think?
I wish I'd never met any of you.
CHLOE: So we wanted
to, uh, ask you
a few...
Would you want
to put on a shirt,
or anything to cover...
your body?
No. Why? Are you cold?
Yes. Would you like
my jacket, Detective?
No. I am great, thank you.
Right.
So, when was this photo taken?
Uh, I took that on my way
to Tokyo, I think.
Sorry.
I travel so much,
it's hard to keep track.
(laughs)
It's actually something else
that we're trying to track down.
This pink dumbbell here?
It went missing
the night of Kim's murder.
Any idea where it went?
Nope.
It's not mine. I don't work out.
Ah. Everything you see
is God-given. LUCIFER:
And they say that
Dad doesn't give
with both hands.
So, the dumbbell.
You're saying that's Kim's?
Yeah. Poor thing
tried so hard to be like me.
So how did it feel
when you realized
that Benji preferred Kim to you?
Nuh, uh-uh-uh. Sneaky.
Don't listen
to the detective, darling.
She's trying to trick you.
You just look into my eyes
so we can prove to her
that she's wrong.
Now, you're too sophisticated
to care about your boring
flatmate's trifles, aren't you?
Tell me, what is it
that you really desire?
I...
I...
Yeah.
...want to...
stop posing and lying!
It takes so much effort
to make these pics look
so effortless.
It's exhausting!
Well, so you're saying
it's just all a facade?
I don't even know
what that word means!
I'm not worldly at all!
♪♪ Barbados?
More like
♪♪ Bogus.
The most exotic place
I've ever been
is the gym's sauna.
But you said
you didn't work out.
Of course I do.
With real equipment, at a gym,
not in my living room.
So you're still saying
that the dumbbell is Kim's?
Yeah. She tried everything to be
part of my glamorous lifestyle.
She was even planning
on getting surgery
once all the money came in.
What money?
I don't know,
but she made it sound
life-changing.
CHLOE: Maybe the motive
for Kim's murder was financial.
Maybe she was coming
into some inheritance,
and someone wasn't
happy about it.
I can't believe
Esther was a fake.
I mean, how did I
completely misjudge her?
Lucifer, are you listening?
We need to look
into this windfall.
Detective, I think
I've been spending too
much time with you.
It's turned my
top hat radar rusty.
What? But no offense,
but I think I need
to go and hang out with
some interesting people
before you turn me into a shoe.
(seagulls squawking,
waves crashing)
I'm sorry. Mm.
I don't regret meeting you.
I just... It's a lot.
I've calmed down now,
so can we go?
Lie down with me, Linda.
On the... on the sand?
Oh, okay.
(seagulls squawking)
Listen,
there was a time when I, too,
thought that I knew everything.
This was... this was back
when I was an angel
and spent all my time
looking down on the world.
But, you see, I found
that it takes looking up
to gain perspective.
It's a good reminder
of just how much
there is that we don't know.
Linda...
if you really think about it...
do you have any fewer
questions than you used to?
When you didn't know?
I mean, they're...
they're different questions,
but there are just
as many, maybe more.
So you're still every bit
the clueless idiot
that you always were?
(both laughing)
(sighs)
That helps.
Still sucks about
the chameleon, though.
(laughs)
Thank you.
(seagulls squawking)
I can't find any sign
of that windfall.
As far as I can tell, there was
no money coming Kim's way.
Oh, there's got to be something.
There is.
Charlotte,
what are you doing here?
I felt unsettled
about lying to you.
Um, I thought I could make up
for it by making myself useful.
So, I overheard you talking
about finding a connection
between the dead girl
and that exclusive dating app.
So I did a little digging,
and I found one...
Well, we're long past that.
Are you sure?
I had to pull some strings
to get this.
It's an employment contract
between Kim
and the owner of the app,
Mack something.
Drawn up two years ago
in total secrecy.
But Mack said
that he hadn't met Kim
until she called him that night.
Oh, he met her, all right.
Kim hired him.
She hired him?
And then hacked his app?
It doesn't make sense.
Unless...
she didn't hack it.
Top Meet's encryption protocol
is impossible to crack.
Except to the person
who built it.
Exactly.
So, if Kim created Top Meet,
then who the hell is Mack?
(sighs): Well, no computer
whiz, that's for sure.
C-minus student,
barely graduated high school.
Voted Most Likely
to Sleep His Way to the Top.
And guess what he was
doing before Top Meet.
Spin instructor.
Okay, wh-why would Kim
hire him, though,
if she's this genius
computer engineer?
What does he bring
to the equation?
Uh... that.
Look at him
and then look at her.
If both came to you
asking for funding for
an elite dating app,
whose project
would you invest in?
Well, yeah, if you're being
all superfish and whatevs.
CHLOE: Which many people are.
Maybe Kim felt she wasn't
fancy-schmancy enough,
so she hid the fact
that she was the creator,
and hired pretty boy Mack here
to be the facade.
In secret. Explains
why it didn't come up
in the background check.
So Kim's insecurities
allowed Mack to take the credit.
And the money.
Which she wanted to take back.
That's the windfall
she was expecting.
It's a strong motive
for him to kill her.
Yeah, but didn't his alibi check out?
He could have
easily convinced one of his
employees to lie for him.
It's a solid theory, but still,
it's just a theory... we need proof.
(sighs)
I really wish we had
that murderous dumbbell
right about now.
Well, if Mack did it,
I think we know where to find it.
Hmm? We do?
Uh, there's a good chance
the murder weapon
is at Mack's place.
Seasoned killers know
to leave it at the scene,
but first-timers,
they tend to take it with them.
I can't count the times I've
allegedly helped a client unmake
that mistake.
Really?
What? I said "allegedly."
We need to get a search warrant
for Mack's place.
Yeah, good luck with that.
Excuse me?
Mack's lawyer will argue
that all you have is conjecture
based on circumstantial
evidence,
and any judge will agree.
You're never getting
that warrant.
Well, then it's a good thing
I am exactly our killer's type.
Mack! I love the place.
Mr. Morningstar.
How about
a gentlemen's weekend in Vegas?
I need to scrape the rust
off my playboy ways, and you're
just the chap to help this Devil
get his groove back.
What do you say?
(chuckles) That sounds fun.
Yeah. Uh...
but I'm afraid I have
a previous engagement.
Oh?
(clears throat)
Some alone time
with the detective?
Not alone anymore. Oh, Mack.
I suppose we all have
our low points.
But not to worry,
I've got a chopper waiting...
If we leave now,
we can still make the
Encore pool party.
(chuckles) I'm afraid
you're gonna have to leave,
Detective... I'm
trying to kick off
a Most Interesting
Bachelors' Bacchanalian here.
You leave. I'm having fun.
Something going on
between you two?
Absolutely not. Absolutely not.
I'm gonna grab a beer.
Decide for yourselves who gets
the pleasure of my company.
(chuckles): Okay. (chuckles)
Well, I didn't have him
pegged for your type.
I thought you
preferred them boring.
You think I'm on a date?
I am here looking
for the murder weapon, Lucifer.
What, so now you think
Mack's the killer?
(chuckles) You're just profiling
fabulous people, aren't you?
Enough with this crusade
against us already.
Mack isn't fabulous.
Kim created Top Meet.
He stole it.
What?
Another phony? Yes.
(sighs)
I suppose that explains the
self-aggrandizing artwork.
CHLOE: Would you just help me
find the weapon?
Please? (sighs)
Okay, fine, in my experience,
it's, uh, usually in the toilet.
Oh, I checked there.
Uh... freezer?
It's not there, either.
Well, the fireplace, then.
(sighs): Oh, Lucifer.
There's no way.
I mean,
could he really be
dumb enough to...
(clacking) to...
Lucifer.
Wha...
Ah.
Well, I think you put
the dumb into dumbbell.
(gun cocks) MACK: Decided
against the beer...
(Because A) carbs, and B)
two cops showing up
at my house on the same day.
Uh, figured that
must not be a coincidence.
Still think I'm dumb?
Basic deduction
doesn't make you a genius, Mack.
But then again,
you're used to taking
more credit than you deserve.
Yes, Mack...
Or should I say... Hack?
Waste of a pun. You're
gonna have to spell it out
for him, Detective.
We know that Kim
created Top Meet.
Oh, yeah? You know she was
also gonna destroy it, too?
She sneaks onto the site,
goes on one good date,
and then wants to make the app
more accessible.
So stupid!
What's stupid
about thinking someone deserves
to be loved
for who they really are?
Kim was the brains, Mack.
You were just the face.
Just the face?
Kim was Wozniak. I'm Jobs.
No one gives a crap
about Wozniak.
Oh, please, Mack.
What you are is a fraud.
Which, unfortunately,
makes you boring.
And predictable. Watch.
Put that down. Or what?
You're gonna blow your own face
to smithereens, Mack?
It's quite heavy,
isn't it? At least
they got the density right.
Ooh!
Heads up!
Nice catch.
Today interesting
enough for you?
Well, beats Monopoly.
(Lucifer chuckles)
♪♪
LUCIFER: But in the end,
the shoe turned out
to be interesting,
and the top hat, boring.
Right. So you're gonna
embrace your boring side now?
Well, I would,
but I have no boring side.
Ah. Even the most trivial
of nights takes a turn
for the exciting
when I'm involved.
I just got to throw
a man's own head at him.
That sounds... painful.
Oh, don't worry,
he deserved it...
For pretending to be
something he wasn't.
I mean, people really do waste
an awful lot of time
trying to be interesting.
People.
Not you, though.
Oh, no. To me,
it just comes effortlessly.
All I have to do
is just be myself.
Hmm.
Mm.
But what I really want
to know is,
how have you been doing?
Well...
I was in a really dark place.
But...
someone helped me
gain perspective.
How's that saying go?
We're all in the gutter,
but some of us are
looking up at the stars.
The stars are just gas bags,
and I never would have
fed Oscar that line
had I known how much I'd have to
hear people quote it back to me.
Oscar freakin' Wilde?
Mm-hmm. Really?
Now, he was
an interesting bachelor.
(chuckles)
Anyway, I'm glad to hear
that you are doing better.
This calls for a celebration.
So...
Oscar, huh?
Mm.
Tell me everything.
(sighs): Well...
he was straight
when I first met him.
(gasps): Oh, God!
That one was all you.
I was about to knock.
(sighs): There's...
something I need to tell you.
Funny.
There's actually something
I need to tell you, too.
Thank you.
That contract helped put
a killer behind bars.
You did a good thing.
I stole it.
Aw, man.
Seriously?
You know what?
It still counts, okay?
You did a bad thing.
But it was for a good reason.
Really? Yes.
But only if, in good faith,
you try to do it
the right way first.
Being good takes practice.
Okay? So just keep at it,
and you'll get better.
I guess I should take
that job, then.
What job?
I've been offered a position
in the D.A.'s office to...
help put criminals away
for a change.
Yeah, but like you would
ever take that pay cut.
Yeah, I know.
(sighs): But anyway,
um, sometimes there's
more important things...
than money.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, like
all the things money can buy.
Too late...
You talked me into it.
I did?
Yes. This job is
the perfect place...
to practice
this "being good" thing.
And bonus.
I'll be around here more.
(chuckles quietly)
Yeah.
Bonus.
So, how did Lucinda do, Mom?
Uh, she did... okay.
Helped us catch the
bad guy in the end.
Thank you. No, I meant...
how did meeting new people
at the party go?
Oh.
Well, um...
I actually...
had a pretty good time.
I mean, but only once I...
stopped being Lucinda
and started being myself.
You know, it can be scary
sometimes, but...
being who you really are
is never a bad idea.
Hey, there's a piece missing.
(mellow jazz piano playing)
♪♪
Lucifer.
(exhales)
Are you coming?
Uh...
how about a nice
round of Monopoly?
Yeah?
Little face-painting, maybe?
(chuckles)
I didn't think so.
Hmm.
♪♪