Lowdown (2010–2012): Season 1, Episode 1 - Wasp in Translation - full transcript
Ohh.
Uh, do you mind?
You bet, mate.
You ready?
Beautiful. No worries.
Cheers.
You can't even do a wee in peace.
Oh, it's nice
to give something back.
Hey, does Essie get hassled as well?
Oh, does she ever.
I don't really care, you know,
as long as they leave
the kids alone.
Ben?
I'm gonna need to see
some cash up front.
Certainly.
There you are.
It's supposed to be $360.
The lady on the phone said $300.
You, um, take credit?
Cash only.
Look, I'm, um...
...I'm in 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'
at the Botanic Gardens.
Happy you put you on the door.
Look, I'm sorry,
if you don't have the cash...
It's OK. Here's 60, mate.
OK.
Thank you, man.
It's for a good cause.
No worries.
That's a beautiful frock.
You know you have lovely skin.
We should
get rid of those, hey?
Mm.
Lose the, uh...
Ohh.
How'd you go?
Oh, that is glorious.
Boss, just got Ben Hollander
in a toilet tryst
with a $360-a-pop callgirl,
pics included.
Yep, drugs as well.
Yep, he's still married.
I'm thinking 'Gotcha -
Hooker, Line and Stinker'.
* The wintergreen, the juniper
* Are still vibrating in the air
* The elm, the ash
and the linden tree
* The dark and deep enchanted sea
* The trembling moon
and the stars unfurled
* Well, there she goes,
my beautiful world
* There she goes,
my beautiful world
* There she goes,
my beautiful world
* There she goes, my beautiful world
* There she goes again. *
The 'Sunday Sun's
number one columnist Alex Burchill
has done many things
he isn't proud of
and the things he is proud of
are morally reprehensible.
Hey.
Caught Ben Hollander, hey?
I guess you won't
be wanting those tickets
to 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'.
No, no, I'll take them.
Oh, OK. Bob, Bob!
Janine, I need to claim
$60 on expenses.
Seth Rogen's people called.
Apparently you referred to him
as Seth 'Bogan' in your column.
They want to know if it was a typo
or a misguided attempt at humour.
I think it was a misguided
attempt at humour.
Oh.
Alan, are you OK, mate?
I'm meant to be showing
the new cadet around,
but I find him
strangely intimidating.
Mate, I think you just
need to bite the bullet.
But what if he doesn't like me?
Hey, do you need me for anything?
No, no, you're right.
Susan's asked me to redo her
head shot. She wants a happy one.
OK.
Alex, re your Hollander piece,
in the fourth para, you write,
"'The lady on the phone told me $300,'
declared Hollander."
Mmm.
Perhaps we should use 'said'
rather than 'declared',
unless, of course, he shouted it
as if from a rooftop.
"The lady on the phone
told me $300!" Did he do that?
No.
OK.
We'll stick with 'said', then.
OK.
Hey, what's going on with Neil?
The editor's sacking people.
Oh, no!
Don't look. He's watching us.
Just pretend we're having
a normal conversation.
Alright, um, so what are
you doing on the weekend?
Actually, I'm gonna
have a threesome.
Right.
Hmm, I'm going in. Wish me luck.
Oh, shut the door.
What are they saying?
All good.
We still don't have a splash.
How are things going
with Wasp Warneke?
Hope van der Boom looking after him?
No, Trudy March.
Ooh.
Yeah, he doesn't 'do' tabloids,
apparently.
Wanker.
Mmm.
Tell Trudy if she gives us
a face-to-face with him,
I'll do a piece on him
saving the Amazon.
She's worried we're gonna
ask him about Tantra.
I'll tell you what, mate -
if this paper were in trouble,
it'd be pieces on blokes
rooting sheilas for five hours.
That'd keep it afloat.
Is it in trouble?
Nup.
I notice Neil's leaving.
Well, we can't carry B-graders.
Neil's a Walkley winner.
Is he?
What?! Oh, great!
Is that Wendy?
Must have read my email.
We're streamlining
the gardening pages too.
Should I be worried?
No, because you're going to get
Trudy March to give us an exclusive
with one of rock'n'roll's
most enduring rooters.
Rock'n'roll's
most enduring rooter
had arrived in town to promote his
new album 'Concubine of the Soul'.
Trudy. Alex Burchill.
How are you?
It's not going to happen, Alex.
What if the piece focuses on
his plans to save the Amazon?
You gonna be able to get
your editors to go for that?
Yeah, they'll love it.
Our readers are starting to get their
heads around environmental issues.
Yeah, what about the profound wisdom
of Tantric sex?
I don't know. Who's really interested
in a man having sex with this wife?
Five hours - it's a long time, Alex.
Are you sure your readers
won't be interested?
No, it's just not news.
Watch out.
OK, good. Wasp hates
being asked about Tantra.
So we're on?
The thing is he only wants
quality press.
What are you talking about?
You said I was one of Australia's
top writers.
I'll see what I can do.
You handled the situation
perfectly, mate.
Thanks, mate.
So how are you gonna get him
to talk about Tantra?
Alex was on his way to see Dr James
who regularly talked him through
his cyberchondria -
a condition where any ache and pain
is typed into a search engine
and comes out 'cancer'.
You're new.
Yeah.
Your name?
Uh, are you alright?
What? The face not ringing any bells
or?
Are you famous or something?
Well...
Peter Helliar?
No, not Peter Helliar.
Alex Burchill, columnist
for the 'Sunday Sun'.
Oh.
I went to school with Dr James.
He hasn't mentioned me?
No. Um, do you want to just
take a seat in there?
Yeah.
What have we got today, then?
It seems something's
wrong with my bottom, actually.
Inside the bottom itself?
Yeah.
A bit of blood and what have you?
A bit of that, yeah.
Whip them off.
Can't I just describe the symptoms?
Come on, snap, snap.
Mate, he's gotta examine ya.
Do you need to be here?
No.
Did you, uh, see the new
receptionist on the way in?
Yeah.
We had a bit of a cuddle last night,
just quietly.
Oh, yeah.
Actually, do you mind
if I get this? Ugh.
Hope she doesn't fall in love with me,
'cause that'd be awkward.
Trudy.
So I told Wasp's people you'd put
the Amazon in the first part
and it got you over the line.
Oh, great. Thank you for that.
I thought you would be happier.
Oh, I'm happy. Oh!
Uh-huh. Tomorrow, 5:30, Park Hyatt.
It's a restricted-access floor,
so I will text you the code for the lift.
And, Alex, if you resort
to any of that tabloid rubbish,
we'll kill the interview.
Oh, it feels a bit rough
up there, soldier.
What does that mean?
I don't know if it's skin tags,
cracks in the anus wall
or the beginnings of a pile.
A complete bloody mystery.
Best course of action is to get you in
for a couple of X-rays.
Sharna!
Just out of interest,
you haven't been engaging
in any receptive anal sex, have you?
No.
Can we get old mate in
for some X-rays of his anus wall?
Yeah, sure.
Alex thought he detected
a slight smirk on the face
of Dr James's new receptionist.
After the X-rays,
Alex went to see his girlfriend, Rita.
The couple had met at an exhibition
of her series of photographs
featuring misanthropic
Eastern European men crying.
Alex had told her he was
'exultant' about the series.
Rita loved the word 'exultant',
and now they were moving in together.
You still OK with all this?
Yeah!
Great.
Hey, I got the interview with Wasp.
Oh, yeah. That's great.
You know I'm not married to Bob.
I am able to use other photographers.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, is Wasp Warneke
someone you'd like to photograph?
Oh, yeah.
Don't have to if you don't want to.
No, no, no. I'll do it.
OK, let's do it.
OK. Thanks, baby.
No worries.
So where do you want this?
Oh, shit. My parents!
Sorry, Rita. I'm so sorry.
Oh, why weren't you helping him?
I offered.
I said no.
I don't think he should
be lifting heavy shit
with his arse
in the condition it's in.
What's going on with your arse?
Oh, just a bit of, you know...
It should be fine.
Oh, OK.
Then again, it could be cancer, so...
Occasionally, I like
to drop a bombshell on her
just to scare her
into loving me a little bit more.
Well, she sure could
love you a bit more.
Really?
Well, we could all
love each other a bit more.
I mean, on occasion, I think
you could love me a bit more.
I love you, mate.
I love you too, mate.
Is here OK?
We were hoping for something inside.
Inside's full.
Are you sure?
I'll check again.
Thanks.
Wanna?
Yeah.
So Wasp, hey?
Yeah.
Do you reckon he likes
'Wasp' or 'Wasp Warneke'?
Either's fine.
Might shoot him in
the lotus position, nude if we can,
surrounded him with
a couple of models, nude if we can,
doing some sort of incense dance.
It'll go nicely
with your Tantra angle.
You like?
Sure.
What do you mean, "Sure"?
The thing is, mate,
I was talking to Rita before.
No.
Just this once.
Oh, mate, I'm sorry,
but things are really touch-and-go
with me and Rita at the moment.
You said it yourself. And you know
how big a fan she is of Wasp's.
So this is the end.
Not at all. You're my main man.
Where are you going?
I can't look at you right now.
Bob.
Bob! Bob!
We've a table inside for you,
Mr Sandilands.
Hey. Hey.
- Alex.
Hey, mate.
Got the X-rays.
They OK?
I'd like you to come in tomorrow at 4:30,
if you could.
Can't you tell me on the phone?
Sorry, mate, has to be face-to-face.
OK, just cough once
if everything's fine,
twice if it's not fine but curable
and three times if it's terminal.
I think that would technically
be a breach of regulations, mate.
Isn't diddling your new receptionist
in breach of regulations?
I highly doubt it.
Right.
See you tomorrow.
Hey, Alex, which should I go for?
This one or this one?
Depends if you want
happy or special.
OK.
- Hey, mate.
I got the interview with Wasp.
Yeah, good.
The knock is now...
OK.
We're gonna have to rotate them.
They're cottoning on.
Alan used it before.
Completely caught me off guard.
Oh, you're joking!
Is that Alan?
B-grader.
Make sure you get Wasp
talking about Tantra -
the dirtier, the better.
I'll see what I can do.
Alex wondered whether
'Sunday Sun' editor Howard Evans
was wearing a toupee.
New frame!
Oh, you got me some lilies!
Are they OK?
Yeah, they're great...
...even though
I've told you a few times
I don't have a vase
big enough for lilies.
Oh, that's right. I'm so sorry.
That's OK. I can cut the stems.
Thanks, baby.
We can get a better frame.
Maybe we shouldn't have photos
of our parents in the living room.
Yeah, you're right.
Are you gonna take yours away?
But they don't really
look like parents.
What do they look like?
Models.
The next day,
Rita wanted to apologise
for being disparaging
about Alex's parents.
But then again, an apology might
weaken her zero-tolerance policy
on having photographs of them
in her living room.
Babe, are you still upset
about the photo?
No, no, I'm fine about the photo.
Oh, are you worried about
your doctor's appointment?
Mmm.
Oh, your anus wall
is going to be fine, babe.
You reckon?
Yes!
Just like the melanoma on your neck
turned out to be a freckle
and the testicular cancer
turned out to be an ingrown hair,
except, of course, for
the calcium deposit on your penis
which turned out to be
a genital wart.
I'll tell you what - if it's nothing,
I'm gonna take you
to Florentino's for dinner.
Oh, great! What if it turns out
to be something?
Well, I'd imagine
we'd both be miserable
and not feel like going out.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Hey, you got the code for the lift?
4395.
Yep. See you up there.
Hmm.
Mmm. Mmm.
Just so you know, I have to be
across town in half an hour.
What you've got is a shadow
on the anus wall.
I looked it up and she could
be one of three things -
a rectal prolapse,
a rectocele fissure
or an anal fissure.
These are often the result
of receptive anal intercourse.
Or it could be cancer.
Then again, it could be papillae
resulting from trauma
caused by a hard stool
or an irritating liquid stool,
but that's very unlikely.
So you don't know what it is?
No.
A proper coloproctologist has
gotta look at these X-rays first.
Why didn't you get a coloproctologist
to look at it before I came here?
Thought wanted to be
kept in the loop.
You just call me
when you know what it is.
I'll probably know by this evening.
Good!
You alright, mate?
I'm late for the most important
interview of the year
and I've just found out I might
have cancer of the fucking arse!
Or some sort of repetitive
strain disorder
from copping a few big ones.
Thank you, mate.
That's a huge weight off my shoulders.
Alex wondered if Dr James
had got the irony
of his last statement.
What?
Hey, mate. It's me.
I just wanted to say how sorry I am
about the whole Wasp thing.
And?
And?
Destroying?
Destroying...
Our p... par...
Partnership?
Yes.
And my I... I...
Life?
Libido.
Sorry about that, mate.
Look, um, my car's
actually broken down.
Just a bit of bad luck.
Yeah, you're right. I should never
have bothered you. I'll get a cab.
No, no. I'll pick you up.
No, I'm at Dr Jim's. I've gotta
be at the Park Hyatt in 25.
It'll be cutting it too fine.
Alex, I will get you there.
I'll see you in five.
26 past the hour.
The man's in town.
Here's Wasp Warneke
with 'Concubine of the Soul'.
Mate, once we're on the other side
of those lights, we will be flowing.
How's the arse?
There's a shadow on it.
Oh, mate, a shadow?
Go! Go!
Are you OK?
Yeah. How long have we got?
About five or three minutes.
Oi, don't do that!
Jesus, it's green!
Get in the car and drive. Drive!
Oh!
Do you have a problem, mate?
I should warn you, I've just
had some pretty bad medical news.
Don't fucking honk people,
you impatient shit.
I thought that went well.
What time is it?
We're a little late.
OK, just lift
your chin a little bit. That's good.
Beautiful. OK, that's it.
How did that all go?
Nice.
You know, I can tell from your eyes
that you've got a lot going on up here.
Thank you.
I don't know where Alex is.
He's not normally late, is he?
Oh, no. He should
be here any minute.
Excuse me.
Hello.
Trudy, Bob.
Alex's car broke down.
I picked him up,
but we're now in a traffic jam
and also there's been
a road rage incident
which Alex conducted himself
very well in.
Anything else?
Uh, Alex just found out he's got
a shadow on his anus wall.
Anyway, we were wondering
if he could do a phoner.
Oh, for God's sake!
He apologises profusely.
You tell him no Tantric sex.
If he even mentions it,
end of interview.
Shall do, Trudy.
I'll get Wasp.
She says, "No Tantric sex.
"If you even mention it,
end of interview."
It's on speaker, mate.
Don't shoot the messenger.
So Alex can't make it.
He's in a traffic jam.
Would you mind doing a phoner?
Sure.
Who's this?
Wasp, Alex Burchill
from the 'Sunday Sun.'
Thanks so much for talking to me.
Pleasure.
I've been briefed and I understand
you don't want to talk about Tantra,
but on a personal note,
let me say I'm in awe of the fact
that you're able to fornicate
for five hours at a time.
Eight hours.
If you're going to report it,
you may as well get it right.
Eight hours, straight.
Eight hours. Amazing.
That's amazing.
But, I mean, it's not about
going eight hours at a time.
Any mug can go on all day.
Well, not just any mug.
No.
It's how you do it that counts.
Sadly, a lot of guys don't know the
fundamentals about arousing a woman.
One should start with
the tip of the nose,
move to the point
just beneath the eye,
then onto the stomach
and then the yoni.
Yoni?
Now, if you move from one spot
to the next, to the next,
and then retrace your steps,
what ends up happening
is you develop a circle of love.
Don't forget the bottom lip either.
Suck on that in the right manner
and she'll achieve
a clitoral orgasm in no time at all.
And the wonderment of all this
is she'll have had
the most incredible experience
of her sexual life
and that's before
she's even been penetrated.
You don't just wake up one day
and become a Tantric expert.
You've got to do your sex-ercises.
Squeeze the sphincter and relax.
- Yep.
Squeeze the sphincter and relax.
Oh, sorry.
Are you doing it?
No, not at the moment.
We're actually...
This is invaluable information.
I'm not just telling you 'cause
I like the sound of my own voice.
No, I appreciate that, Wasp.
Do as I say.
Squeeze and relax.
Squeeze and relax.
Squeeze...
Wasp? Wasp?!
No, we've lost him.
Well, go on - squeeze and relax.
You're doing it, aren't you?
No, I'm not doing it.
Yeah, you are. Your ears moved.
You made it!
Can I still see him?
You have five minutes.
Squeeze and relax.
Squeeze and relax.
Rita!
You said you weren't coming!
Well, I made it, didn't I?
Hey... No!
Mate, oi.
Bob, no.
No!
Mate, no. Excuse me.
Hey!
No!
Welcome. Spare bed's yours
for as long as you want it.
Thanks, mate.
I might get us a beer.
Maybe you should
ring up about that shadow.
Yeah, alright.
Mate, you're better off knowing.
What you don't know
might actually kill ya.
Thank you, mate.
That's very reassuring.
Hey, mate.
Mate, the results
came back this afternoon.
And?
Negative, mate.
Negative.
That's good, isn't it?
Yeah, you're all clear.
Just a bit of papillae caused by
an irritating liquid stool.
Right.
A course of antibiotics
and you'll be as... as good as new.
What's wrong with you, then?
Sharna called it off.
Oh, mate, I'm sorry.
Can I come over?
Sure.
Alex, it's for you!
What do you want?
I just wanted to make sure
your arse was OK.
Yeah, it's fine.
Oh, that's great, baby.
I was so worried.
You do realise we've broken up?
Yeah!
Alex wrote the Wasp story as he saw it,
beat by disturbing beat.
It would go on to be nominated
for a Walkley,
as would Bob's candid photograph
of Wasp and Rita.
Later, Rita would reclaim
the incident in an exhibition
where she set up a tent
appliqu?d with the names
of every rock star she slept with
between 1996 and 2010,
entitled 'Every Rock Star
I Slept With Between 1996 and 2010'.
Chook's done!
Later, Dr James
would watch 'Dr Strangelove'
and wonder whether love
was strange for all doctors
orjust GPs,
or had he missed the point
of the film altogether?
Uh, do you mind?
You bet, mate.
You ready?
Beautiful. No worries.
Cheers.
You can't even do a wee in peace.
Oh, it's nice
to give something back.
Hey, does Essie get hassled as well?
Oh, does she ever.
I don't really care, you know,
as long as they leave
the kids alone.
Ben?
I'm gonna need to see
some cash up front.
Certainly.
There you are.
It's supposed to be $360.
The lady on the phone said $300.
You, um, take credit?
Cash only.
Look, I'm, um...
...I'm in 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'
at the Botanic Gardens.
Happy you put you on the door.
Look, I'm sorry,
if you don't have the cash...
It's OK. Here's 60, mate.
OK.
Thank you, man.
It's for a good cause.
No worries.
That's a beautiful frock.
You know you have lovely skin.
We should
get rid of those, hey?
Mm.
Lose the, uh...
Ohh.
How'd you go?
Oh, that is glorious.
Boss, just got Ben Hollander
in a toilet tryst
with a $360-a-pop callgirl,
pics included.
Yep, drugs as well.
Yep, he's still married.
I'm thinking 'Gotcha -
Hooker, Line and Stinker'.
* The wintergreen, the juniper
* Are still vibrating in the air
* The elm, the ash
and the linden tree
* The dark and deep enchanted sea
* The trembling moon
and the stars unfurled
* Well, there she goes,
my beautiful world
* There she goes,
my beautiful world
* There she goes,
my beautiful world
* There she goes, my beautiful world
* There she goes again. *
The 'Sunday Sun's
number one columnist Alex Burchill
has done many things
he isn't proud of
and the things he is proud of
are morally reprehensible.
Hey.
Caught Ben Hollander, hey?
I guess you won't
be wanting those tickets
to 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'.
No, no, I'll take them.
Oh, OK. Bob, Bob!
Janine, I need to claim
$60 on expenses.
Seth Rogen's people called.
Apparently you referred to him
as Seth 'Bogan' in your column.
They want to know if it was a typo
or a misguided attempt at humour.
I think it was a misguided
attempt at humour.
Oh.
Alan, are you OK, mate?
I'm meant to be showing
the new cadet around,
but I find him
strangely intimidating.
Mate, I think you just
need to bite the bullet.
But what if he doesn't like me?
Hey, do you need me for anything?
No, no, you're right.
Susan's asked me to redo her
head shot. She wants a happy one.
OK.
Alex, re your Hollander piece,
in the fourth para, you write,
"'The lady on the phone told me $300,'
declared Hollander."
Mmm.
Perhaps we should use 'said'
rather than 'declared',
unless, of course, he shouted it
as if from a rooftop.
"The lady on the phone
told me $300!" Did he do that?
No.
OK.
We'll stick with 'said', then.
OK.
Hey, what's going on with Neil?
The editor's sacking people.
Oh, no!
Don't look. He's watching us.
Just pretend we're having
a normal conversation.
Alright, um, so what are
you doing on the weekend?
Actually, I'm gonna
have a threesome.
Right.
Hmm, I'm going in. Wish me luck.
Oh, shut the door.
What are they saying?
All good.
We still don't have a splash.
How are things going
with Wasp Warneke?
Hope van der Boom looking after him?
No, Trudy March.
Ooh.
Yeah, he doesn't 'do' tabloids,
apparently.
Wanker.
Mmm.
Tell Trudy if she gives us
a face-to-face with him,
I'll do a piece on him
saving the Amazon.
She's worried we're gonna
ask him about Tantra.
I'll tell you what, mate -
if this paper were in trouble,
it'd be pieces on blokes
rooting sheilas for five hours.
That'd keep it afloat.
Is it in trouble?
Nup.
I notice Neil's leaving.
Well, we can't carry B-graders.
Neil's a Walkley winner.
Is he?
What?! Oh, great!
Is that Wendy?
Must have read my email.
We're streamlining
the gardening pages too.
Should I be worried?
No, because you're going to get
Trudy March to give us an exclusive
with one of rock'n'roll's
most enduring rooters.
Rock'n'roll's
most enduring rooter
had arrived in town to promote his
new album 'Concubine of the Soul'.
Trudy. Alex Burchill.
How are you?
It's not going to happen, Alex.
What if the piece focuses on
his plans to save the Amazon?
You gonna be able to get
your editors to go for that?
Yeah, they'll love it.
Our readers are starting to get their
heads around environmental issues.
Yeah, what about the profound wisdom
of Tantric sex?
I don't know. Who's really interested
in a man having sex with this wife?
Five hours - it's a long time, Alex.
Are you sure your readers
won't be interested?
No, it's just not news.
Watch out.
OK, good. Wasp hates
being asked about Tantra.
So we're on?
The thing is he only wants
quality press.
What are you talking about?
You said I was one of Australia's
top writers.
I'll see what I can do.
You handled the situation
perfectly, mate.
Thanks, mate.
So how are you gonna get him
to talk about Tantra?
Alex was on his way to see Dr James
who regularly talked him through
his cyberchondria -
a condition where any ache and pain
is typed into a search engine
and comes out 'cancer'.
You're new.
Yeah.
Your name?
Uh, are you alright?
What? The face not ringing any bells
or?
Are you famous or something?
Well...
Peter Helliar?
No, not Peter Helliar.
Alex Burchill, columnist
for the 'Sunday Sun'.
Oh.
I went to school with Dr James.
He hasn't mentioned me?
No. Um, do you want to just
take a seat in there?
Yeah.
What have we got today, then?
It seems something's
wrong with my bottom, actually.
Inside the bottom itself?
Yeah.
A bit of blood and what have you?
A bit of that, yeah.
Whip them off.
Can't I just describe the symptoms?
Come on, snap, snap.
Mate, he's gotta examine ya.
Do you need to be here?
No.
Did you, uh, see the new
receptionist on the way in?
Yeah.
We had a bit of a cuddle last night,
just quietly.
Oh, yeah.
Actually, do you mind
if I get this? Ugh.
Hope she doesn't fall in love with me,
'cause that'd be awkward.
Trudy.
So I told Wasp's people you'd put
the Amazon in the first part
and it got you over the line.
Oh, great. Thank you for that.
I thought you would be happier.
Oh, I'm happy. Oh!
Uh-huh. Tomorrow, 5:30, Park Hyatt.
It's a restricted-access floor,
so I will text you the code for the lift.
And, Alex, if you resort
to any of that tabloid rubbish,
we'll kill the interview.
Oh, it feels a bit rough
up there, soldier.
What does that mean?
I don't know if it's skin tags,
cracks in the anus wall
or the beginnings of a pile.
A complete bloody mystery.
Best course of action is to get you in
for a couple of X-rays.
Sharna!
Just out of interest,
you haven't been engaging
in any receptive anal sex, have you?
No.
Can we get old mate in
for some X-rays of his anus wall?
Yeah, sure.
Alex thought he detected
a slight smirk on the face
of Dr James's new receptionist.
After the X-rays,
Alex went to see his girlfriend, Rita.
The couple had met at an exhibition
of her series of photographs
featuring misanthropic
Eastern European men crying.
Alex had told her he was
'exultant' about the series.
Rita loved the word 'exultant',
and now they were moving in together.
You still OK with all this?
Yeah!
Great.
Hey, I got the interview with Wasp.
Oh, yeah. That's great.
You know I'm not married to Bob.
I am able to use other photographers.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, is Wasp Warneke
someone you'd like to photograph?
Oh, yeah.
Don't have to if you don't want to.
No, no, no. I'll do it.
OK, let's do it.
OK. Thanks, baby.
No worries.
So where do you want this?
Oh, shit. My parents!
Sorry, Rita. I'm so sorry.
Oh, why weren't you helping him?
I offered.
I said no.
I don't think he should
be lifting heavy shit
with his arse
in the condition it's in.
What's going on with your arse?
Oh, just a bit of, you know...
It should be fine.
Oh, OK.
Then again, it could be cancer, so...
Occasionally, I like
to drop a bombshell on her
just to scare her
into loving me a little bit more.
Well, she sure could
love you a bit more.
Really?
Well, we could all
love each other a bit more.
I mean, on occasion, I think
you could love me a bit more.
I love you, mate.
I love you too, mate.
Is here OK?
We were hoping for something inside.
Inside's full.
Are you sure?
I'll check again.
Thanks.
Wanna?
Yeah.
So Wasp, hey?
Yeah.
Do you reckon he likes
'Wasp' or 'Wasp Warneke'?
Either's fine.
Might shoot him in
the lotus position, nude if we can,
surrounded him with
a couple of models, nude if we can,
doing some sort of incense dance.
It'll go nicely
with your Tantra angle.
You like?
Sure.
What do you mean, "Sure"?
The thing is, mate,
I was talking to Rita before.
No.
Just this once.
Oh, mate, I'm sorry,
but things are really touch-and-go
with me and Rita at the moment.
You said it yourself. And you know
how big a fan she is of Wasp's.
So this is the end.
Not at all. You're my main man.
Where are you going?
I can't look at you right now.
Bob.
Bob! Bob!
We've a table inside for you,
Mr Sandilands.
Hey. Hey.
- Alex.
Hey, mate.
Got the X-rays.
They OK?
I'd like you to come in tomorrow at 4:30,
if you could.
Can't you tell me on the phone?
Sorry, mate, has to be face-to-face.
OK, just cough once
if everything's fine,
twice if it's not fine but curable
and three times if it's terminal.
I think that would technically
be a breach of regulations, mate.
Isn't diddling your new receptionist
in breach of regulations?
I highly doubt it.
Right.
See you tomorrow.
Hey, Alex, which should I go for?
This one or this one?
Depends if you want
happy or special.
OK.
- Hey, mate.
I got the interview with Wasp.
Yeah, good.
The knock is now...
OK.
We're gonna have to rotate them.
They're cottoning on.
Alan used it before.
Completely caught me off guard.
Oh, you're joking!
Is that Alan?
B-grader.
Make sure you get Wasp
talking about Tantra -
the dirtier, the better.
I'll see what I can do.
Alex wondered whether
'Sunday Sun' editor Howard Evans
was wearing a toupee.
New frame!
Oh, you got me some lilies!
Are they OK?
Yeah, they're great...
...even though
I've told you a few times
I don't have a vase
big enough for lilies.
Oh, that's right. I'm so sorry.
That's OK. I can cut the stems.
Thanks, baby.
We can get a better frame.
Maybe we shouldn't have photos
of our parents in the living room.
Yeah, you're right.
Are you gonna take yours away?
But they don't really
look like parents.
What do they look like?
Models.
The next day,
Rita wanted to apologise
for being disparaging
about Alex's parents.
But then again, an apology might
weaken her zero-tolerance policy
on having photographs of them
in her living room.
Babe, are you still upset
about the photo?
No, no, I'm fine about the photo.
Oh, are you worried about
your doctor's appointment?
Mmm.
Oh, your anus wall
is going to be fine, babe.
You reckon?
Yes!
Just like the melanoma on your neck
turned out to be a freckle
and the testicular cancer
turned out to be an ingrown hair,
except, of course, for
the calcium deposit on your penis
which turned out to be
a genital wart.
I'll tell you what - if it's nothing,
I'm gonna take you
to Florentino's for dinner.
Oh, great! What if it turns out
to be something?
Well, I'd imagine
we'd both be miserable
and not feel like going out.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Hey, you got the code for the lift?
4395.
Yep. See you up there.
Hmm.
Mmm. Mmm.
Just so you know, I have to be
across town in half an hour.
What you've got is a shadow
on the anus wall.
I looked it up and she could
be one of three things -
a rectal prolapse,
a rectocele fissure
or an anal fissure.
These are often the result
of receptive anal intercourse.
Or it could be cancer.
Then again, it could be papillae
resulting from trauma
caused by a hard stool
or an irritating liquid stool,
but that's very unlikely.
So you don't know what it is?
No.
A proper coloproctologist has
gotta look at these X-rays first.
Why didn't you get a coloproctologist
to look at it before I came here?
Thought wanted to be
kept in the loop.
You just call me
when you know what it is.
I'll probably know by this evening.
Good!
You alright, mate?
I'm late for the most important
interview of the year
and I've just found out I might
have cancer of the fucking arse!
Or some sort of repetitive
strain disorder
from copping a few big ones.
Thank you, mate.
That's a huge weight off my shoulders.
Alex wondered if Dr James
had got the irony
of his last statement.
What?
Hey, mate. It's me.
I just wanted to say how sorry I am
about the whole Wasp thing.
And?
And?
Destroying?
Destroying...
Our p... par...
Partnership?
Yes.
And my I... I...
Life?
Libido.
Sorry about that, mate.
Look, um, my car's
actually broken down.
Just a bit of bad luck.
Yeah, you're right. I should never
have bothered you. I'll get a cab.
No, no. I'll pick you up.
No, I'm at Dr Jim's. I've gotta
be at the Park Hyatt in 25.
It'll be cutting it too fine.
Alex, I will get you there.
I'll see you in five.
26 past the hour.
The man's in town.
Here's Wasp Warneke
with 'Concubine of the Soul'.
Mate, once we're on the other side
of those lights, we will be flowing.
How's the arse?
There's a shadow on it.
Oh, mate, a shadow?
Go! Go!
Are you OK?
Yeah. How long have we got?
About five or three minutes.
Oi, don't do that!
Jesus, it's green!
Get in the car and drive. Drive!
Oh!
Do you have a problem, mate?
I should warn you, I've just
had some pretty bad medical news.
Don't fucking honk people,
you impatient shit.
I thought that went well.
What time is it?
We're a little late.
OK, just lift
your chin a little bit. That's good.
Beautiful. OK, that's it.
How did that all go?
Nice.
You know, I can tell from your eyes
that you've got a lot going on up here.
Thank you.
I don't know where Alex is.
He's not normally late, is he?
Oh, no. He should
be here any minute.
Excuse me.
Hello.
Trudy, Bob.
Alex's car broke down.
I picked him up,
but we're now in a traffic jam
and also there's been
a road rage incident
which Alex conducted himself
very well in.
Anything else?
Uh, Alex just found out he's got
a shadow on his anus wall.
Anyway, we were wondering
if he could do a phoner.
Oh, for God's sake!
He apologises profusely.
You tell him no Tantric sex.
If he even mentions it,
end of interview.
Shall do, Trudy.
I'll get Wasp.
She says, "No Tantric sex.
"If you even mention it,
end of interview."
It's on speaker, mate.
Don't shoot the messenger.
So Alex can't make it.
He's in a traffic jam.
Would you mind doing a phoner?
Sure.
Who's this?
Wasp, Alex Burchill
from the 'Sunday Sun.'
Thanks so much for talking to me.
Pleasure.
I've been briefed and I understand
you don't want to talk about Tantra,
but on a personal note,
let me say I'm in awe of the fact
that you're able to fornicate
for five hours at a time.
Eight hours.
If you're going to report it,
you may as well get it right.
Eight hours, straight.
Eight hours. Amazing.
That's amazing.
But, I mean, it's not about
going eight hours at a time.
Any mug can go on all day.
Well, not just any mug.
No.
It's how you do it that counts.
Sadly, a lot of guys don't know the
fundamentals about arousing a woman.
One should start with
the tip of the nose,
move to the point
just beneath the eye,
then onto the stomach
and then the yoni.
Yoni?
Now, if you move from one spot
to the next, to the next,
and then retrace your steps,
what ends up happening
is you develop a circle of love.
Don't forget the bottom lip either.
Suck on that in the right manner
and she'll achieve
a clitoral orgasm in no time at all.
And the wonderment of all this
is she'll have had
the most incredible experience
of her sexual life
and that's before
she's even been penetrated.
You don't just wake up one day
and become a Tantric expert.
You've got to do your sex-ercises.
Squeeze the sphincter and relax.
- Yep.
Squeeze the sphincter and relax.
Oh, sorry.
Are you doing it?
No, not at the moment.
We're actually...
This is invaluable information.
I'm not just telling you 'cause
I like the sound of my own voice.
No, I appreciate that, Wasp.
Do as I say.
Squeeze and relax.
Squeeze and relax.
Squeeze...
Wasp? Wasp?!
No, we've lost him.
Well, go on - squeeze and relax.
You're doing it, aren't you?
No, I'm not doing it.
Yeah, you are. Your ears moved.
You made it!
Can I still see him?
You have five minutes.
Squeeze and relax.
Squeeze and relax.
Rita!
You said you weren't coming!
Well, I made it, didn't I?
Hey... No!
Mate, oi.
Bob, no.
No!
Mate, no. Excuse me.
Hey!
No!
Welcome. Spare bed's yours
for as long as you want it.
Thanks, mate.
I might get us a beer.
Maybe you should
ring up about that shadow.
Yeah, alright.
Mate, you're better off knowing.
What you don't know
might actually kill ya.
Thank you, mate.
That's very reassuring.
Hey, mate.
Mate, the results
came back this afternoon.
And?
Negative, mate.
Negative.
That's good, isn't it?
Yeah, you're all clear.
Just a bit of papillae caused by
an irritating liquid stool.
Right.
A course of antibiotics
and you'll be as... as good as new.
What's wrong with you, then?
Sharna called it off.
Oh, mate, I'm sorry.
Can I come over?
Sure.
Alex, it's for you!
What do you want?
I just wanted to make sure
your arse was OK.
Yeah, it's fine.
Oh, that's great, baby.
I was so worried.
You do realise we've broken up?
Yeah!
Alex wrote the Wasp story as he saw it,
beat by disturbing beat.
It would go on to be nominated
for a Walkley,
as would Bob's candid photograph
of Wasp and Rita.
Later, Rita would reclaim
the incident in an exhibition
where she set up a tent
appliqu?d with the names
of every rock star she slept with
between 1996 and 2010,
entitled 'Every Rock Star
I Slept With Between 1996 and 2010'.
Chook's done!
Later, Dr James
would watch 'Dr Strangelove'
and wonder whether love
was strange for all doctors
orjust GPs,
or had he missed the point
of the film altogether?