Lovejoy (1986–1994): Season 5, Episode 9 - The Peking Gun - full transcript

Ooh!

What an encouraging start.

You've both caught someone already.

Each other.

- Everything under control, Charlie.
- Yeah. Poacher patrol ready for action.

Sir.

You could have fooled me.

So... send the poacher a telegram, did we?

You sure there is a poacher, Mr. Gimbert?

Sure? Course I'm sure, young lady.

Owning an estate like this
brings certain responsibilities,



the first of which is
to protect your property

from the thieves and vagabonds
who think they own it.

Oh, yes. Can even tell
you the poacher's name.

Frank Mussett.

- You know him.
- Mouth.

He's been poaching around these parts for
donkey's years, I just never had the proof.

Right. Have you got the cameras
ready for action?

Right. Keep your eyes peeled for Mussett.

Wonder where he's going
all dressed up like that.

Ours not to reason why,
ours to spoil the poacher's pie.

Here's mud in your eye.

- Sugar, Frank?
- Just the four, please, Lovejoy.

Gotta keep me strength up.

Aren't you getting a bit old
for this game, Frank?



Having somebody chase you
is all part of the game, innit?

To be honest, it makes a change.

Lord and Lady Felsham
never bothered about poachers.

They thought it was quaint
and let me get on with it.

Don't expect Charlie Gimbert
to be so understanding.

I won't, but thanks for the
tip-off, anyway.

My pleasure, Frank.

No, I owe you one for that, Lovejoy.

- Fancy a pheasant?
- No. Wild game isn't exactly my thing, Fra...

Nah, got it down the freezer centre.

It was lovely of you to suggest
meeting over dinner, Mr. Gimbert.

I know you're busy,

and I don't think what I have to offer
will be of much interest.

Ooh, I wouldn't say that.
I wouldn't say that at all.

And, uh, please, it's Charles.

Charles.

How nice.

I'm sure you're always being pestered by poor,
flustered widows in need of care and help.

Hardly ever, actually.

But, uh, what exactly is the problem?

Well, it's my husband.

But I thought you were, uh...

My late husband.

Oh.

He died three years ago.

And while I wouldn't say we were well off,

he left enough for the children
to be looked after.

Well, they're gone now,
so there's no need for me to stay.

I'm thinking of selling up and moving on.

I had 20 years with my
husband out in Africa,

and when we came back to
England, I thought,

"At last, I can get down
to some serious shopping."

Or go to the theater, anything.

And we end up here
stuck in the countryside again.

Oh, it's not that bad, is it?

Charles.

You are looking at an ageing party animal

who wants to see a little bit of nightlife
before it's too late.

And you think I can help?

Ooh, I hope so.

I wonder if you could come and sort out
my husband's things?

He was a great collector
when he was in Africa.

Most of it's rubbish, but I think you
might find one or two things worth selling.

I just don't know how
to go about it myself.

Oh, well, in that case I suppose I could
send a couple of my minions round tomorrow.

Ooh, Charles.

I love a man who has minions.

So you reckon Charlie fancies her,
do you, Beth?

Just because a man puts on a suit
and invites a lady to dinner,

it doesn't necessarily imply
a lust for carnal knowledge, you know.

Oh, it does in my experience.

Six times out of five, these kind of gigs
are a waste of time and money.

Still, in this business you never know
when you might strike it lucky,

so I've got the time
and it's somebody else's money.

Mrs. Dimmock?

- Yes. Did Mr. Gimbert send you?
- Yes.

Oh, good. How nice of Charles
to send you so quickly.

Do come in.

Charles.

I doubt if you'll find
anything of any value.

- I told Charles as much last night. Mr...
- Lovejoy.

Just Lovejoy, Mrs. Dimmock,
and this is Beth and Tinker.

Anyway, now I've decided
I just want to be rid of it all.

- All of what?
- My husband's African collection.

Well, it's junk, mostly,

things he picked up over 30 years
out in the worlds of the Dark Continent.

Explorer, was he? Military man?

Oh, good Lord, no. An engineer.

Never really got to the top.
A bit of a failure, I suppose.

Still, he loved Africa because it gave him
the chance to get away from people.

- And now?
- A clean break.

That's what I'm after.

Sell the house, sell the memories,
move out and go and see some life.

So where's the stuff, Mrs. Dimmock?

Out in the garden in his sheds. I couldn't
possibly store all that stuff in the house.

Right. Beth, Tink, shall we?

Uh, why don't you let the minions sort things
out and come and help me make some coffee?

You can tell me all about Charles.

You're on your own.

Whoo! What have we got here, Tink?

Hmph! It's a mishmash, really.

Some of it could go to auction,
but quite frankly...

Where's the Merry Widow?

On the blower, trying to organize
another date with Charles.

Beth.

You were right.

She fancies him.

Well, he may need these
to protect his honor.

Huargh!

Zulu weapons from the
battle of Rorke's Drift.

Any evidence to support that?

Beyond Michael Caine's
fingerprints, not a scrap.

Hm!

Oh, there's a few books and journals,
but the rest is bric-a-brac.

£1,000 if you're lucky.

She's not going to get to join the jet set,
but she might get a good holiday out of it.

It's a pity, really.

All this is a record of the British Empire.

Those great days when the map
was painted pink.

Still, all that's rather
unfashionable nowadays, isn't it?

What was that phrase again?

Politically correct.

What's that?

- It's just a pattern. Just a pretty design.
- Where did that spring from?

From that flowerpot.

I just thought it was pretty.

Tink.

Well...

what is it?

Cannon. Gun.

- Might even be a rocket launcher.
- A rocket launcher?

Yeah, the Chinese had invented rockets,
grenades,

even flame-throwers
by the end of the 13th century,

not to mention the magnetic compass
or paper money.

What do you think, Tink?
Ming Dynasty?

Well, it's certainly possible.

The iron foundries and military arsenals
of the Ming emperors

were superior to anything in Europe
for 500 years.

Go and get the camera, Beth. I want
to take some pictures of it as it is.

I'm having trouble with this.

What is a Ming Dynasty cannon doing here
apart from growing petunias?

Very good question.

Mrs. Dimmock.

Mrs. Dimmock!

- Mrs. Dimmock.
- Oh, Mr. Lovejoy.

Just Lovejoy.

Just in time for a G&T.

It's a little early for me.

Nonsense. Sun's over the yardarm
somewhere in the world.

I'm sure it is. Did you and your husband ever
spend any time in China or the Far East?

Oh, no. Henry couldn't stand China -
not the people, the place or the food.

Pity, really. I love Chinese food.

Why do you ask?

Well, it's just that there's
something in your garden which is Chinese,

old and probably very valuable,
and you're growing flowers in it.

- What, you mean his Peking gun?
- Yeah.

Well, he bought that thing in Madagascar.

He had some idea about turning it
into a noonday gun or something.

He never did, of course.

Did you say it was valuable?

Yeah, for the right buyer.

Then find me the right buyer
and sell the ghastly thing.

Are you an expert in Chinese antiques?

Think I can lay my hands on one.

You, um, come here often?

I've loved Chinese cooking
ever since I lived in Hong Kong.

It's nice to come and
practice the language.

Oh. I could even tell you your Chinese
horoscope if I knew your year of birth.

Uh, uh, uh.

So, what does it mean?

- In English?
- Well, it's a sort of royal seal.

An Imperial mark from the Emperor Yung-lo.

Famous Ming emperor, very powerful.

Ah, it's not a general.

It's an admiral.

Admiral and Grand Eunuch Cheng Ho.

Eunuch?

An honorary title.

Some honor.

Cheng Ho was the most famous sailor
of the Ming Dynasty.

His voyages in the 15th
century were legendary.

Apparently, there's a temple somewhere
in Thailand where they still worship him.

In which case,
you need a real China expert.

A history man.

And I know just the chap in London.
Professor Chenery.

Might also have a buyer for your gun.

The Chang family,
I knew them out in Hong Kong. Very rich.

Very cultured.

I know how to behave myself, Charlotte.

Angela Chang would eat you for breakfast.

And she wouldn't bother
with the chopsticks.

Oh, perhaps you'd better come with me
and, um, protect me.

Well, I have to earn
my consultancy fee somehow.

Lovejoy.

The characters certainly
seem to be "Cheng Ho".

- Who is he?
- An admiral.

And a eunuch.

Can you take some more pictures? Especially
of the calligraphy embossed on the barrel.

So what's it worth?

I'm not sure.
Professor Chenery will tell us.

Tell us what, Charlotte?

Ah. Charlie.

Miss Cavendish is our local auctioneer.

I had intended to suggest that we use her
auction house, but she appears to be psychic.

Well, Charlotte does do Chinese horoscopes,

but she's also a student of the culture
and this thing could be worth something.

- If I catch you trying to diddle Mrs. Dimmock...
- Please, Charles, would I?

- No. But if I catch you trying...
- Charles, Mr. Lovejoy's been charming.

If he thinks he can get something
for the horrid thing, do let him.

Now, I'm just gonna pop and get changed
and then we can be off.

Lovely.

What?

- What is it?
- Aren't we just a wee bit overdressed, Charles?

Mrs. Dimmock and I are going over to the
coast to a little fish restaurant I know.

A few oysters, a nice meal,
then on to a new club in Ipswich.

The Inferno, I believe it's called.

Could I have a word?

You don't think I'm overdressed
for this club, do you?

No.

Well, not for the Inferno.

But then, um, neither's Tinker.

Professor Chenery's book on
the Ming Dynasty is a classic.

I think I must have missed that one.

Expansionism And Contraction Within And Without
The Ming Empire. It's very well known.

Must have been out of the library
the week I went.

Here we are.

Just in here.

Between 1405 and 1433 on our calendar,

the Ming government organized
seven large-scale naval explorations

under the command of Admiral Cheng Ho.

Well, Mrs. Dimmock,
that's the lady who owns it,

said her husband bought it in Madagascar
from some natives.

That's quite possible. The Ming expeditions
were called "treasure ships",

but they weren't only looking for treasure,
they also carried treasure,

things to trade and
impress local chieftains.

Why not a smaller version of one of the
cannons they had on board ship, for example?

Your gun was never meant
to be fired in anger.

So, uh... So what's it worth?

I couldn't even guess.

But I know who would be interested in it.

One of the tongs.

The secret societies of the Chinese
living outside China.

The Chinese have a long history
of secret societies going back centuries.

Doesn't mean they're all gangsters.

Some had long traditions and were dedicated
to preserving the heritage of China.

Some were quite advanced. The Water Lily Tong
of Hong Kong, for example, admitted women.

Very advanced for its time.

The question of a buyer isn't a problem,
Professor. We already have someone lined up,

and if not,
we'll just put the gun into auction.

Can it be authenticated?

Your gun was probably made by tong members
back in the 1400s.

The design and calligraphy
would give us the exact period.

What would make this very, very interesting

is if you could find evidence
that it was found in Africa.

Can I, uh...

- Can I keep a couple of these?
- Don't see why not.

Just remember what you have here
is a national heirloom to some people.

I'd be very careful about
treading on people's feelings.

- Lotty, darling.
- Angela.

It's been ages.

Lovejoy.

This is Angela Chang.

- So you're Lovejoy.
- Angela.

I hear you're in antiques.

The oldest thing around here
is the champagne, Lovejoy.

I'm afraid my brother says if it doesn't
have a microchip in it, he's not interested.

Lovejoy, Ming Dynasty to me
means something out of Flash Gordon.

But don't let me discourage you.
Go ahead, make your sales pitch.

I will.

It's a gun.

Well, it's a small cannon, actually.

As you can see.

And we think it is a ceremonial piece

given by the Emperor Yung-lo,

to Grand Admiral Cheng Ho.

Course I don't need to explain who he was, he
was one of your country's greatest sailors,

- but you know that, don't you?
- No. Should I?

Well, he only explored half the known world
in the 15th century,

and we think he left that in Madagascar
as a present from the Emperor.

Fascinating.

What's it worth?

Ooh, at least £10,000.

Rather expensive for a doorstop.

Let me show you something, Lovejoy.

Excuse us, ladies.

Economic migration, Lovejoy.

How do you move the money and financial
expertise from Hong Kong after 1997

when it reverts back to China?

Simple.

With modern technology
we bring it here to London. Now.

Yeah, I still think a
nice ornamental cannon

would look good somewhere around here.

That's where money and power lie, Lovejoy.

In the future.

Not in the past.

But you, I think,
have only a heart for the past.

Well, at least I've got one.

So she married him.

Well, you're not going to believe this.

After three months,
she moved in with his hairdresser!

No, I'm not joking.

Oh, sorry, Lovejoy, are we boring you?

No. No, of course not.

Where has Philip sneaked off to?

Um...

Last time I saw him, I think he was looking
at the future of his futures or something.

He wasn't interested in
your Peking gun, then?

Afraid not, Angela.

Remind me, how much were you asking?

10,000.

You should have said 10 million.

He might have sat up and listened then.

Oh, well, we always reserve the right to raise
our prices in case somebody's interested.

Oh, Philip isn't interested in possessions.

He just likes to show that he can
afford things other people can't.

Something that's never bothered
you, Lovejoy.

Well, you know me, Charlotte,

easy come...

easy go.

And go...

we must.

Thank you, Angela.

It's been a lovely evening.

But you can't go without saying
goodbye to Philip. I'll get him.

Do you think she's serious
about the 10 million?

- Shut up.
- No, do you?

Lotty, Lovejoy. Do you really have to go?

The night is young,
we could go on somewhere.

Oh, sorry, Philip.

We've a train to catch
and we must get a taxi.

No, I'll get you one of
my cars and a driver.

You know, Charlotte, it's, um...

it's quite early.

- We could find a nice place to have a drink.
- Come here.

We're going the wrong way.

So?

We're in the middle of town.

We're traveling in
completely the wrong direction.

Well, you speak to him,
you know the language.

What the hell's going on?

Next set of lights, we jump. Get ready.

Are you serious?

Oh.

Well, it's gotta be plan
B, then, hasn't it?

What's that?

You don't know either?

My deepest apologies for bringing you here in
this manner, Mr. Lovejoy and Miss Cavendish.

I think you have the advantage over us.

Yes, I have.

I find it makes business transactions
run so much more smoothly.

My name is Ying.
This is my humble restaurant.

But I also have numerous
other business interests.

And several, shall we
say, responsibilities.

I am very well respected in our community,

and with that respect comes the need to
protect the traditions of our history.

You are in possession
of a Ming Dynasty gun,

possibly used on the voyages of
Admiral Cheng Ho.

And if we are?

I would wish you to sell it to me.

I am not a rich man,
but I will pay a fair price.

We've already had an offer of £10,000.

From Philip Chang?

I doubt the gun has any interest for him.

Oh, but it has for you?

Almost certainly, Miss Cavendish.

I am a representative, shall we say,
of an ancient guild,

a society which had its origins

among the ironworkers and armorers
of the Ming Dynasty.

This cannon is a symbol of a China
which had order and sophistication,

while Europe was still primitive,
bigoted and ignorant.

It is my duty to preserve what I
can of the past for the future.

Man with a mission.

You could say that.

Most dangerous kind.

Please. I have apologized for the
way in which you were brought here.

You are, of course,
free to leave at any time.

Oh, we are? Then I think we will.

We'll send you a catalogue
when we put the gun in for auction.

I would be grateful if you did not do that.

I would much prefer private sale.

I'm sure you would, Mr. Ying, but we don't
appreciate being kidnapped and intimidated.

And you might find other people
who have influence.

I think it would be safer if you remained
here for a short while, Miss Cavendish.

We appear to have some unwelcome visitors.

What's going on?

They don't seem to know either, but I
suggest we don't hang around to find out.

Just a minute. What's going on?

Let's get out of here.

Well, how do you suggest we do
that, Houdini?

Trust me, I know these people,
I know how they operate.

Charlotte, will you not make them
any madder than they are already?

I'm your China expert, remember?

I'm been in more Chinese restaurants
than you've had dim sum,

and believe me, the one thing
they all have in common is...

Allow me.

It looks like we're putting
plan B into operation.

- You remembered what plan B is?
- Yep. Run!

I knew we'd end up
spending the night together.

Mm.

But you didn't tell me
it was going to be such a romantic setting.

Cancelled due to staff shortage.

I've been thinking about
this poaching lark.

For a small bonus,
I could construct myself a hide.

The Victorians used to have portable ones
like a wooden frame covered in leaves,

like a Zimmer frame.

Where on earth could we get a Zimmer frame?

Oh. I would have thought
you'd have had one of them.

Lovejoy, you look terrible.

Well, I've had a very emotional evening,
haven't I?

Mm. What were you up to?

We were waiting for a train.

Would you mind answering that, Beth?

- Lovejoy.
- Yeah.

What?

It's Chinese for
"Did you have a successful trip?"

It's Charlotte for you.

Yeah?

I didn't want to frighten you,
but I had a break-in last night.

So did I.

I didn't get one of those.

Not open yet, Simon?

Late night, was it?

Mr. Lovejoy, Miss Cavendish,
I don't understand.

What were you doing round my place
in the wee small hours?

Looking for the gun?

Mm. What were you going to do with it?

Stuff it inside a fortune cookie
and skulk off with it?

Just making sure you still had it.

On whose orders, Simon?

Mr. Ying's.

It's not what you think.

He just wanted to be sure
you had what you said you had.

Which you told him about.

Yes, I knew he'd be interested.

Then why this at Charlotte's?

Not very nice, Simon.

Honestly, I know nothing about this.
I was at Lovejoy's, that's all.

But you know what it means.

Yes, it's a tong sign.

That's it. I've had enough.

You get Mr. Ying up here this afternoon
and tell him to bring cash. No checks.

He can have the gun, but it's gonna cost him
12 grand now because of the aggravation.

We'll do the deal here tonight
at six o'clock. OK?

I'll try.

You try very hard. I want to see this place
full of real customers, otherwise no deal.

Listen, Lovejoy,
this might not be a good idea.

I think I ought to have a word
with some people I know.

I think we should quit while we're ahead,
while we've still got our heads.

We've got a buyer for something we've got,
let him have it.

It mightn't be that easy.

Let's just do it and get rid of the thing.

I owe you a lunch.

Oh, um, I'm sure we'll catch your poacher
one of these nights, Mr. Gimbert.

Talking of rogues and reprobates,
where is Tinker?

He's over at the Merry Widow's.

- Huh?
- I'm sorry.

Mrs. Dimmock's.

He's been going through more of her stuff.

Oh, well, at least that'll keep her
out of my hair for an hour or two.

Ooh, another night on the town last night?

You could say that.

I've never been to so many clubs and discos
in my life.

Watch it. Punter.

I mean, excuse me.

Good morning, sir.
Can I be of any assistance?

Actually, I was looking for Mr. Lovejoy.

Oh. Well, he's out at the moment.

Running a few errands.
Is it anything in particular?

He offered me a Ming Dynasty cannon
for £10,000 the other night.

I was in the area on business
and I thought...

But if he's busy elsewhere...

Allow me. No need for Lovejoy in this.

Have you actually seen the piece?

Only a rather amateurish photograph.

Well, then you must let me take you
to where it's stored.

The owner is a Mrs. Dimmock.

Very charming lady.

Beth, perhaps you could warn her
that we're on our way.

Very good, sir.

Mr. Gimbert, sir.

Excuse me.

Less of your cheek, young lady.

Lovejoy said he's got a buyer.

- And this is the one.
- We don't know that.

And anyway, Charlotte says
she wants it to go to auction.

Of course she does.
She's after the commission, isn't she?

Just leave this to me.

So, um...

shall we, Mr. Uh...

Oh, Chang. Philip Chang
of Chang Financial Services.

Delighted. I'm Charles Gimbert.

- Owner of Felsham Hall.
- Yes, I know.

I had my people do a routine check
on the business.

Standard procedure.

Oh, I was impressed. And I understand that
you're something of an expert on jade.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Merely an enthusiastic collector.

Perhaps my Hong Kong office could turn
something up for you, Mr. Gimbert.

That would be very kind, Mr. Chang.

Very kind indeed.

Mr. Dill. Telephone.

It's that very young girl you work with.

The sun wouldn't be over the yardarm
in any far-flung part of the Empire?

Sorry, Tinker. I'm off shopping.

I've got a new outfit to buy.

Charles is taking me dancing again tonight.

He doesn't know it yet, mind.

Yes, Beth.

Listen, Tink. Charlie's on his way over
with a Chinese buyer for the blunderbuss.

Hide it. No, say Lovejoy's got it.

Well, just get it out of sight.
There's something funny going down.

Ooh.

As far as I'm concerned,

anyone that does business
with a meat cleaver as an introduction

can have a private sale whenever they want.

But it's not right to
give in to those methods.

If they get away with this,
they can get away with anything.

If Ying turns up with the money, he can get
away with the gun. A Chinese takeaway.

OK, Charlotte, I know it's a bad
joke, but listen.

They know where you live.

They paid a visit to your office already.

Do you think for one minute
they'd let you alone

if they thought that you had something
they wanted?

Are you giving in to them to protect me?

Absolutely. Couldn't stand the thought
of gangsters being after you.

Put the kettle on, Beth.

Ah, Lovejoy.

Thank goodness we don't have to rely on you
to keep the wheels of commerce turning.

- What have you been up to, Charlie?
- He sold the Peking gun.

What?

To whom, Mr. Gimbert?

Oh, to a friend of yours,
actually, Charlotte.

A Mr. Chang.

Delightful man. Very cultured.

Charlie, you idiot!

Told you so.

Charlotte, really,
for the sake of a little commission?

- You've given it to the wrong person.
- No, he hasn't.

Now look here. I acted in good faith
on behalf of Mrs. Dimmock.

- The check in my hand...
- Who's the check made out to?

Me.

Not Mrs. Dimmock.

- Well, no.
- So you'll be taking the commission.

- Naturally.
- That's fine, Charlie.

I just want to make sure that my
prospective buyers who I'm meeting tonight

know who sold the cannon
from under their noses.

Ooh. Let me show you their calling card.

Haaagh!

- But he hasn't even...
- Please.

This was left at Charlotte's earlier.
As a warning to take things seriously.

These are dangerous people we're dealing
with and I don't think they take prisoners.

So if you'd like to come tonight
and tell them that their cannon's gone,

because they're expecting delivery and I
don't think they like being double-crossed.

- He hasn't even given it to him.
- What did you say?

He hasn't actually delivered it to Chang.

But I do have the check.

But he ain't got the gun.

What, you got the check,
and Chang hasn't got the gun. Where is it?

Tinker hid it. I told him to.

You mean it was at Mrs.
Dimmock's all along?

But Tinker said that Lovejoy had it.

Somebody did something right.

You can give that check back.

I don't know about that.

The deal was made in good faith.

Look, Mr. Chang took my word
that I would get him the gun.

Well, that actually Lovejoy would.

Oh, thank you, Charlie.

Well, how was I to know that
you were going to do a separate deal?

Lovejoy and I didn't have much say
in the matter, actually.

You can take it from me, Charlie,

you must tear that check up and tell Philip
Chang that he can't have the gun after all.

Believe me, Charlie,
at six o'clock tonight,

I shall be telling another interested buyer
where you live...

if you don't tear that check up.

Oh. Whoever these people are, they've certainly
put the wind up you, haven't they, Lovejoy?

They certainly have, Charlie.
Would you like to meet them?

Yes.

But I can't tonight.

Because I'm going out.

So I'm told.

All right.

But only on Charlotte's say-so.

And an indemnity against loss to Mrs. Dimmock
from your firm if the sale doesn't go through.

It's a deal.

Go on, Charlie.

Don't think, just...

do it.

One word about me doing this

goes beyond this room,

there'll be big trouble.

I have my reputation to think of.

I want you two to wait outside the restaurant
while Charlotte and I do the deal.

Is that wise?

Well, she speaks the lingo, Tink, and
she'll be able to spot any trouble coming.

Excellent thing in woman.
King Lear.

Don't move until I come out, and if
everything's kosher, I'll give you a wave.

- And what if it isn't?
- Resort to plan B immediately.

- Right.
- What's plan B?

Didn't expect to see you here, Professor.

Thought it might be helpful if I
cleared up one or two misunderstandings.

- I gather there have been a few.
- You could say that.

I can't say I'm particularly impressed
with the company you keep.

Please, Lovejoy.

It is all there.

£12,000. As the professor can verify.

Oh. Get your commission,
did you, Professor?

Ten per cent.

Charlotte. We trust you, Mr. Ying.

I am honored that you do.

It would have been an insult
if you had insisted on counting it.

It is trust out of fear,
not out of respect.

Which is not very honorable.

I am shocked.

I have apologized for the unseemly way
I invited you to my restaurant.

And I apologize now if Simon here
invaded your privacy,

but I have meant you no harm.

No?

What do you call this?

Snap.

I got one too, buried in the
door of my office last night.

I've been trying to tell you,
Mr. Ying is an honorable man.

This is not our tong sign.

It's no secret that I'm an advisor
to Mr. Ying on historical matters,

in which he has great knowledge
and enthusiasm.

And as something of an authority
on the codes of Chinese secret societies,

I can say that I have never known Mr. Ying
resort to such methods.

- You mean...
- Philip Chang.

A very brash young man.

It's a question of rivalry and
status, Lovejoy.

Your gun is a pawn in his game.

If he has it, Mr. Ying here does not.

And that means loss of face,

because as everyone knows,
Mr. Ying here wants to have it.

I am afraid you have found yourself
in the middle of a long-standing quarrel,

almost a power struggle
between new and old China.

So what happens
when Chang finds out we've sold it to him?

He'll be very angry.

I'm afraid he will.

I apologize once more.

I think Mrs. Dimmock will be well pleased
with her 11 grand.

- Buy a few party frocks with it.
- Mm.

I thought Charlie mentioned 10 grand.

In fact, I'm sure that check he tore up
was for 10 grand.

You swore to Charlie you'd never mention
the tearing-up of that check.

I don't swear to Charlie.

I might swear at him.

Anyway, I think this calls
for a small celebration.

- Not too small I hope.
- What do you think, Charlotte?

No. I'll pass.

- You're worried about what was said in there?
- Philip Chang is not a man to cross.

It'll take him a couple of days to realize
that check hasn't been cashed,

and by then he'll have made trillions
and forgotten all about us.

Oh, I'm not worried about me.

It's you I'm thinking of.

Charlotte, he's a businessman.

It's between him and Ying now.

Are you sure about that?

Yeah.

Well, I'll still pass on the celebration.

I think there's something else I could do.

Crispy noodles for three?

I'm very disappointed in you, Lovejoy.

I can explain, Philip.

Oh, please don't try. I'm a busy
man and this is all very irritating.

- You've thought this through?
- Oh, I have.

You sold the gun to Ying.

Now everyone will know that the old fool
has put one over on me.

Somebody has to suffer for that.

Or I lose face.

What can I do?

Just don't be difficult, Lovejoy.

Don't even try and understand us.

Think of it as the price you pay
for doing business with the wrong people.

This way, Lovejoy.

- What the hell are you doing here, Frank?
- Badger spotting. What do you think?

I take it you don't want to stop and chat
with those fellas.

- No.
- Come on.

OK.

- Keep close behind me.
- Yeah.

Watch it, I've got snares out.

Oh!

This way.

You're all clear now, Lovejoy.

And all that has done is
waste more of my valuable time

and ensure that you suffer even
more, Lovejoy.

- Thank you, Frank.
- Sorry, Lovejoy.

Stop it, Philip! Let them go immediately.

Angela, stay out of this!

This is between me and Lovejoy.

No, you're wrong, Philip.
It's my business and you know it.

You know I have the authority here.

I'm not asking.

This is an order.

Now you will return to
your car and wait for me.

I will apologize to Lovejoy
on behalf of our family.

You will make restitution for any damage
to Lovejoy's property.

Restitution.

Like that word. Restitution.

- Hm.
- I think I'll be off now, Lovejoy.

Yeah, I don't blame you, Frank.

There. I told you I'd sort it out.

Well, I'm very grateful.
But why did he do what Angela said?

Well, you remember that Professor Chenery told
us that the more advanced secret societies

- admitted women?
- Oh.

And that the most revered member
was obviously the tong boss?

Oh, so she's the...

Oh, Charles.

It's more than I could have hoped for.

You're not just saying that, are you?

I... I was worried in case you...

It somehow wasn't enough.

Charles, it's perfect.

You made all my little dreams come true.

Does this mean that you'll be staying?

I'm afraid not, Charles.

This means freedom for me.

I'll be leaving as soon as
my tickets come through.

Oh, no. Oh, dear. What a shame.

Oh, well.

Never mind, eh? Life must go on.

Shall we join the others?

Why not? Let's go mingle with the minions.

Here's to a very successful
sale, Miss Cavendish.

Thank you. Cheers.

- Cheers.
- Ah. And here's to Mrs. Dimmock.

- I hope you're happy with the proceeds.
- Delighted, my dear.

I was just saying to
Charles I'm over the moon.

Actually, Penelope has
spent most of it already.

She's booked herself a round-the-world
cruise and I just can't talk her out of it.

- Does the ship have a disco?
- Four of them. I checked twice.

It's the crew I feel sorry for.

Oh, Lovejoy. I almost forgot.

- I did your Chinese horoscope last night.
- Oh.

Mm. From the year of your birth,

you're a monkey.

I could have told you that.

Is that good?

Well, it's a good, positive sign.

A monkey can be an inventor,

an improviser,

a motivator.

What are you?

I'm a rooster.

- Do they, um, do they go well together?
- No. Terrible.

Wonder what my sign is.

I always fancied being a dragon.

I always thought you were a snake.

But on the negative side, "The monkey
person has an inborn superiority complex.

"He can be extremely selfish,
egotistical and vain."

No, no, no. You must have the wrong year.
Would you give me that book?

Give me that book.