Lovejoy (1986–1994): Season 5, Episode 5 - Three Men and a Brittle Lady - full transcript

This thing should have been here
two hours ago. What happened?

It forgot and so will you
when you're 500 years old.

- Letter from the previous owner.
- Thank you. Giving its history.

And, P.S., how glad they are
to be shot of it, no doubt.

They don't make coffins
like that anymore, Lovejoy.

Hold it, fellas.
Flash him your education, Beth.

One 16th-century Gothic oak chest.

Note the pierced metalwork
and carved front.

Go well in Gimbert Towers

but not as well as a lady
I've just met.

- Maniac.
- You could see me coming a mile off.



I know it's your latest fad, Charlie.

Bow porcelain. Pre-1759.

- But is it genuine?
- Oh, Charlie, please!

Is it genuine?

That's the only question I ask these days
of antiques or women.

One and the same thing
in your case, Charlie?

- Thank you, Kate.
- You're welcome.

Up, up, up, up, up, you two!

Come on, this is a priceless antique,
not a bench in a pub garden.

- What have you got there?
- Cheddar. Circa 1893.

Yeah, but with modern pickle added.

Well, don't? Well, all the more for us!

Ladies and gentleman, lot 242.

A Gothic oak chest
from the 16th century.



This impressive piece
is offered in superb condition,

so may I open the bidding at £3,000?

3,000 anywhere?

£3,000. 3,200?

3,200. 3,400?

3,600? 3,800?

£4,000?

Any more at £4,000?

Are you all done at £4,000?

4,500.

£4,500.

Are you all done at £4,500?

Sold...

to Mr. Jonathan Wilsher.

Excuse me.

Nice one, eh?

It takes me back about ten years.

There used to be this old bird
called Fanny the Fainter.

For a tenner,
she'd drop like a soufflé,

while somebody else made a switch.

You know, a copy for a genuine piece.
Somebody's just been shafted.

- Excuse me.
- Sorry.

Mark my words.

Well?

Well, put it this way, Val...
it's champagne time.

- The old girl fainted OK?
- Right on cue.

So, what next?

Well, you're the craftsman,
you tell me.

Er... the Derby teapot?

How's that grab you?

So, Charlotte, what happened
to the cow jugs?

- They're the main reason I came.
- Sorry, Charlie.

The owner withdrew the cow creamers
at the last minute.

Pity.

I'm having a petite soirée
this evening at Felsham Hall.

Old friends over
just to sample the cellar.

Why don't you join us?
Bring a friend.

- Thank you. That would be...
- Sounds fun.

Oh.

Er, Jonathan Wilsher, Charles Gimbert.

- Nice to see you.
- Hi.

So, eight o'clock.
See you both then.

Mm-hm.

Hi, Charlotte. How are you?

I think surprised is the word.

Why didn't you tell me
you were coming?

I like surprises. 4,500, I believe.

And what on earth do you want
with a Gothic chest?

It's a present for you.

Well, what on earth
do I want with it?

Look, there's that picture I bought
for you at Eddie Mabel's gallery.

July '91. Remember?

I remember the high price you paid.

I'll tell you what,
when you think we're finished,

I mean really finished,

pack up everything
that reminds you of me,

put it in that trunk
and ship it to me wherever I am.

All right?

Hello, Charlie.

- I don't recall inviting you here.
- Your memory's going.

No, it isn't. Look, you owe me
two months' rent, Lovejoy.

And steps will be taken.
I mean, steps will be taken.

- Charlotte?
- You know Mr. Jonathan Wilsher. Lovejoy.

- Proud owner of a Gothic chest.
- That's right.

I've just been admiring
Mr. Gimbert's house.

- Has it been in the family long?
- Since 1792.

- Just not your family, Charlie.
- Lovejoy!

Let me show you around, Mr. Wilsher.

- Percy...
- Oh, hello, kid.

Cow creamers. It says everything
about mine host. Don't you agree?

You can take the man
out of the bog, Lovers,

but not the bog out of the man,

and Charlie Gimbert is undoubtedly bog!

Middle name's Pete, you know.

- Percy!
- Oh, hello.

I've got a little something I picked
up today I'd like your advice on.

What?

Ooh, absolutely delightful, Charlie.
A little darling!

Perce... Lovejoy, drawing room.

Who was that?

That was Percy Broderick,
otherwise known as Percy the Porcelain.

Yes, the one thing they can't say
about Charlie Gimbert

is that he doesn't pay
over the odds for history.

What do you think, Perce?

I think you've been screwed,
glued and papered over, Charlie.

Oh, never!

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
You see, there's something missing.

You say Lovejoy put you onto this?

Yeah.

Steady on, Perce.

I may have said
harsh things about him

but he does know his business.

No, no, no.
You see, there's no sparkle.

After 1755, a certain Mr. Frye,

top dog at the Bow factory,
improved the enamel

and then, quite by chance,
it would twinkle here and there.

Impurities in the metallic oxides.

Exactly. It's precisely that
that you can't reproduce these days.

- It should sparkle.
- It should sparkle.

- But it doesn't.
- And it doesn't sparkle.

It must have broken the heart,
whoever made that,

because otherwise she is perfect.

She is but she's not the one
I showed you this afternoon, Charlie.

Honestly, Lovejoy, you strut around
this manor like a turkey,

opinions gobbling out of your face,
left, right and center.

- All of them wrong.
- Somebody switched her!

Switched her?
What are you talking about?

Somebody switched the Bow ladies.

Who?

That old bird who fainted at the auction
this afternoon.

Who was she, Miss Cavendish?

Miss Cavendish, who was she?

Sorry, Charlie, no idea.

I'm sorry but that's not good enough.

I can tell you one thing, Charlie,

it was genuine
when it arrived at auction.

All's fair in love, war
and the antiques trade, Charlie.

Every cloud has a silver... whatsit.

Excuse me. Budge up, budge up.

I think we've uncovered something
rather important, don't you, Lovers?

Mmm. A true artist, Percy...

whoever he is, wherever he is.

Who cares? There's always room
for another genius.

Cobblers!

Man gets to the top of his tree,
looks down and there they all are.

Every brand of monkey
you can think of,

swinging through the branches,
lying, robbing, cheating

and knocking out bent pottery!

It's envy, isn't it?

People like me. Ones who've made it.

Mmm. You're right, Charlie.

Deep down, we all wanna be you,
don't we, Percy?

I've been shafted before
and will be again

so it's not the money.

It's the principle.

How much principle, Charlie?

1300 quid's worth?

Right.

But it's not the money.

Have a word with Cavendish,
my old mate. See what she knows.

The one thing she knows
is that time is money.

I'll knock off that rent you owe me.
Wipe off every penny.

Cos we're mates, hmm?

In spite of it all... we're mates.

'Ello.

Charlotte, Jonathan.

Morning.

You know when you take a dislike
to someone and you don't really know why?

Jonathan. Too smooth.

Too good-looking
and probably too rich.

- And what can I do for you?
- Well, you can tell me about...

- Excuse me. You're in the shot.
- Oh.

You can tell me
about some hooky china.

The Bow lady.

Ah, has Gimbert sent you
to check up on me?

Or is it pride, I wonder?

The switch was made
in your auction rooms, Cavendish.

Yes, yes, of course it was.

Charlotte, if you keep talking
your mouth's gonna blow the shot.

Just take the photo, Jonathan.

So who placed the? Charlotte!

Who placed
the Bow lady in the sale?

I'm not dishing out
my client list to you!

God knows what you'd do with it!

You could have the law
breathing down your neck.

Charlie knows people.

It was sheer bad luck
and that's all there is to it.

Lovejoy, excuse me. Do you mind?
I'm trying to photograph the... clock.

Taking pictures for the insurance, hmm?
Very wise.

The police have
a warehouse full of stuff

just waiting to go home
if the owners can prove it's theirs.

I'll tell you one thing, Lovejoy.

The person I sold that piece for
bought it at Fulberry market

so that's the end of that!

Not necessarily.

- Is that the new man in your life?
- Do me a favor!

Thought so.
You're crazy about the guy.

Fulberry is a market overt,
young lady.

You what, mate?

That's youth speak for
"Sorry, would you mind repeating that?"

Market overt is an ancient law

that allows good title
to pass no matter what.

Look, say I was to buy this from Billy.
Excuse me, Billy.

I give him the money, this is mine,
no matter who really owns it.

No, no, I'm sorry, this is ridiculous!

You've locked the automatic focus on
the background instead of the bike.

What you should have done
is used a manual with a big aperture.

Well, thank you, Mr. Litchfield!

- I'm...
- Morning, Eric.

- Miss Cavendish.
- Can I help you, madam?

I'd like these developed, please.
How soon can you do them?

For you, madam, an hour.

It's a waste of time here,
Miss Cavendish.

Look at this.
That fuzz is meant to be my bike!

Miss Cavendish, your address.

Hello, Tom. You do look well.
Doesn't Tom look well, Lovejoy?

Say yes, for God's sake!

By gum, Tom,
you don't half look well!

I wish I felt it!

If a thing's yours
just because you buy it here...

This place is a paradise for fences, Beth.

There are more thieves around here
than there are in the stock exchange

and that is a Dickens of a lot of thieves!

Now was it this big
or was it this big?

Tom's kidney stone.

- Can we get back to business, please?
- Oh, sorry!

Whoever sold the Bow lady
at the auction bought it here, right?

Or said they did.
That's the beauty of this place, Beth.

If the police ask any questions,
you don't have to show them a receipt.

They've got to take your word for it.

- Danny, you seen Steffan Holbek?
- Oh, yes, he's over there stuffing his face.

If they're all villains here,
how come you know most of 'em?

I don't know most of 'em.
I know all of 'em!

- Nah, I've never seen her before.
- Why are you so sure?

If I had, I'd sell her
to friends of mine in Holland.

Any more come your way,
let me know.

Why couldn't someone
else here have sold it?

No, no, no. All china comes through me.
No one else.

Thanks, Steffan.
Take care of yourself.

- I'll try but for how much longer?
- Why? You got problems?

Good times are nearly over, my friend.

Some of your people of your parliament
changed the law.

Market overt,
maybe she's no more, huh?

About time too, by the sound of it.

- Zip it.
- Mouth!

Knock off the rent you owe me?!
When did I say that?

Half past two this morning,
after your party.

"Ask Cavendish, my old mate,"
you said. "See what she knows."

My old mate?

Your very words. So I asked her.

Fat lot she told you too.
Came from a market overt!

Don't worry, I'm still working on it.
Now, what about this rent, my old mate?

Look, you bring me
the Bow lady, Lovejoy,

and I'll knock off the rent... my old mate.

So, what do you think?

I think you've excelled yourself, Martin.

Should we put it in the shop window
or try for another sale?

Oh, a sale. They attract better money.

Jonathan. What's the panic?

Sorry, I've only just heard.
They want me in Paris tomorrow.

- Oh. Leaving again so soon?
- Come on. Come and eat.

I've been asked to design
the entire west extension.

It's a fantastic opportunity.

Got a pretty good idea
what I want to do with it too.

Then go for it.
Question is, why stop off here?

I want you to come with me to Paris.

I can't, Jonathan. I'm terribly busy.

No. I want you to come
and live with me in Paris.

Oh, I see.

Just as I get
everything organized here,

you show up and expect me
to drop everything and follow you.

This is a very big break for me, Charlotte.

Look, Jonathan,
you know why I came home.

I've got ambitions too.

Seems to me
one of us would have to shelve...

Just think about it. Sleep on it.

Can I have the bill, please?

I'll be back in two days.

I'll be here.

Hello? Yes, I want the police.

Hello? Yes, I've just got home
and found I've been broken into.

No, I don't know what's been taken.

I didn't feel like going in
to find out.

No, you were right, love.

People walk in their front door
calling out "Anybody there?"

And wallop, they get the answer
over the back of the head.

My paintings.

Bastards!

So, what exactly is missing?

Everything!

Clock, a pair of Georgian candlesticks...

We'll make a list over coffee, shall we?

Unless they've nicked that an' all!

We'll do the place for fingerprints
in the morning.

How big were these urns
in the front garden?

Big. Why?

Well, it means there was
more than one of 'em.

Either that or the bloke we're after

has got a hernia
the size of that teapot!

Any biscuits?

What happens next, Mr. Pulver?

We ask local dealers
to keep their eyes open.

You know, tell us when this stuff
hits the market,

providing it's not on a boat
to Amsterdam, of course.

On a boat?! Well, stop it!

Block the ports!
Mount an investigation!

Get in the queue, love!

Well, there must be
something we can do.

Well, there is. Use your contacts.

You know Lovejoy, don't you?

Now he's the type of bloke
who could assist us with this.

I mean, the rubbish he mixes with.

Oh, if I could live that bloke's life
for just one day,

I'd wipe out half my caseload.

They break open your front door,

waltz in, waltz out again,
20 grand better off!

Who the hell
do these people think they are?

They think they're burglars,
that's who they think they are.

I mean... I could, you know,
ask around a bit,

if you wanted, Charlotte, but...

Well, if it's Dick Tracy you want,
ask your friend Jonathan.

He wouldn't know where to begin.

Anyway, he's off to Paris this morning.

- Really? When did he tell you that?
- Last night.

Over dinner? Hmm? His hotel?

So you had dinner at his hotel.
Meanwhile, back at your place,

stuff's being nicked
and he's off to Paris today.

This all has a certain smoothness to it,
doesn't it?

- He doesn't need to steal from me.
- Never suspect a boyfriend.

- An old boyfriend.
- The old boyfriend.

We lived together
in New York for a year.

Mm-hm.

He wants me to go
and live in Paris with him.

Oh. How do you feel about that?

Why am I telling you all this?
Will you help me or not?

I have expenses, Charlotte.

Ten per cent of the insurance valuation.

Do you ever do anything
for free, Lovejoy?

That's a very natty idea
but I don't think it'll catch on.

However, I could give you a discount
in return for a name and address.

The person who put
the Bow lady in the auction.

What have you come as?

Charlie, you know I've always been
a fashion victim.

Oh, well, I suppose you can
always use it for going to court in.

Can I borrow the Roller?

Roller? Sure. It's in the shed.

You can go up and down
in nice straight lines.

No, Charlie.

I need a nice car to match the suit
to follow up a lead on the Bow lady.

Ever mindful of how best
I can serve my mates,

I found out who put it in the auction.

- Take the Discovery.
- Thank you.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Fascinating. You never stop learning, eh?

- Can I help you?
- Oh, I hope so.

May I tell you a story?

I got the furniture.

Jane got the paintings,
the dogs and all the bits and pieces.

- Divorce?
- Mm-hm.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, no, no, no. Don't be.

As far as I'm concerned,
when a thing is over, it is over,

but there is still that
little something

you always need for the corner
of the room, isn't there?

- Ornamental or practical?
- Oh, ornamental.

What's this?

You know, a lot of people
have expressed an interest.

Oh, she's so...

ugly, she's almost beautiful.

Er, or there's this... for a corner.

Early 17th century.

I'd rather discuss this
over a late-20th-century lunch.

I really like this wooden monster,
Miss Endacott.

- I'm very glad I bought it.
- Good.

And... please call me Valerie,
Mr. Catchpole.

Oh, Eric.

Do you... work around here, Eric?

I'm in cheese.

No, I buy and sell cheese.

It may sound dull
but it's really very interesting.

Are you?

Are you?

I don't know
if I should really... ask this

but are you?

Am I attached?

Yes.

- He's a teacher.
- Oh.

- What does he teach?
- Pottery.

Ah, no, I've always been fascinated
by pottery ever since that film.

You know...

- Remember?
- Oh, yes.

Think they ever
finished that pot?

Why pretend to be me, Lovejoy?

Envy.

His name's known in the trade, yours isn't.

Exactly, Miss Beth.

Now her name is Valerie Endacott

and if she calls up and wants
to speak to an Eric Catchpole,

remember that is me, not you.

You, Eric, are somebody else.

- Who?
- Who do you wanna be?

Well, I was quite happy being me,
believe it or not!

You can't be because I'm you for now.

She's got a boyfriend, Tink,
and his name is Martin Styles

and he teaches pottery.

- Does his name ring a bell?
- No bell.

Find out what you can.
Ask Percy if he knows who he is.

- First thing we need is a bonfire.
- It's beautifully carved, Eric.

- 500 quid for a bit of stick?
- Er, Tink, before I thump him, hmm?

Children, this is a ceremonial
Maori fighting weapon.

And worth twice what I paid for it, so take
it down to that sale in Thetford tomorrow.

Listen, shouldn't we be looking
for Charlotte's stuff an' all?

Cutting it fine, Tink.

Gordon Bennett! Her wife's mother!

George, this is a Maori fighting stick.

- I want £1,000 for it.
- You'll be lucky.

The pub's that way...
if you don't fancy hanging about!

- Not too late am I?
- No.

One item. There's the lid.

- Crown Derby teapot?
- Yes. Name's Endacott.

- All right, fine.
- Thanks.

What is it?

Excuse me. The person who brought this,
where will I find him?

Oh, you'll find him in the pub.

Thanks. How would I recognize him?

Tweed suit. Black beret.

Thank you.

Val, what's wrong?

I sold that yesterday. Stay here.

Cheers, Nick. First today.

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Gracious me!
- My dear lady, I'm most terribly sorry.

No, not at all. It was my fault.

Let me buy you a drink. Compensation.

Well, that's very kind.
Gin and tonic, please.

A large one, please.

We have a problem.

A man came into the shop yesterday.
I thought he was a customer.

He's a dealer. Real name, Lovejoy.

- Heard of him?
- Mm-hm. He played me like a fiddle!

I even told him about you
teaching pottery.

Val!

Stop the sale. Stop the sale!

Good idea. Let's point ourselves out!

- He might be police.
- He didn't look it.

- I think we should stay low.
- Martin...

- No more pots...
- Martin!

Just keep calm
and I'll look after Mr. Lovejoy.

- Yeah?
- Hello, Eric?

- Yeah.
- It's Valerie. Valerie Endacott.

Valerie? Ah!

Right, er...

No. Er...

No, Eric's not here, I'm afraid.

You said he was.
You said you were him.

No, no, I didn't. You said that.

So who are you?

Er... I'm Reg. I'm his nephew.
Can I help you?

Yes, tell him he has to come over.

Something's happened.
It's very important.

Please, tell him.

No, no, no. Hello?

No, wait a minute. Hello?

I've just found out that Martin
has been making copies of things.

Erm, figurines, plates, a teapot.

And I've been selling them from here.

You had no idea?

To do it is bad enough
but to make me part of it...

The thing is he...
He's kept the things he copied.

It's china mostly, the teapot,

erm, a Bow lady
and a couple of Meissen dogs.

He said he'd rather break them
than give them back!

Er...

How can I help?

That way.

There's a door around the side.

There's a bolt at the top.

These are the originals.

And they're all mine.

Oh, yes.

It's beautiful.

My father left that to me.

Would you help me pack up, Eric?

Yeah, yeah.

- Thank you, Mr. Hawkins.
- Thank you.

- Nice doing business with you.
- Thank you.

I'm a bit confused, Mr. Dill.

The curse of your generation, Beth.

Ask and all will be explained.

You said to that man
that his clock was Austrian

by Frank Kunz or someone.

- Did I?
- Yeah.

And you gave him 300 quid for it,
which he was chuffed about,

but... I think you've made a mistake.

Well, if he's made a couple of bob
out of us, who are we to grumble?

No, no, but it's the other way
round, innit?

- I think it's French, that clock.
- Do you?

Yeah, look at this.

Étienne Lenoir, Paris.

Ormolu... Four grand it says it's worth!

We don't want him finding out
and thinking he's been done.

Then, we'll have to keep
very, very quiet about it, won't we?

- Lovejoy, just in time!
- Going well?

I'm calling out the good people
of this village to watch you being nicked!

- I haven't done anything yet.
- Oh, moi?

A villain? Oh, no.

Not I, Your Lordship. The year's
pudding I did was a clerical error.

And after all the breaks
I've given you.

- Bob...
- Where is it?

- What?
- Where's the stuff you nicked

from Martin Styles' place?

Ah! Your prints
are all over his barn door.

I can explain.

The china was here, Bob.
Just like I told you.

There was a Bow lady,
Crown Derby teapot here.

His paints, his glazes all around here.
There was a pottery wheel here.

There was a kiln over here,
an electric one.

- What have you done with them?
- I've no idea what he's talking about.

You've moved it, haven't you?

- Hello. What are you doing here?
- I might ask the same question of you, Eric.

Eric?

Believe me, Bob, I can explain.

You always can, Lovejoy.

Lovejoy?

Call me a sentimental old fool, Eric,

but two things say you didn't
break into that house for yourself.

One, you'd have been a sight more careful

and two, you've always been a mug
where crumpet's concerned.

Miss Endacott pulled your string
and you got your whatsits caught in it.

- She set me up.
- So?

- Well, so?
- So.

You help me and I help you.

Oh, it's no good groaning.

He who sups with the devil
must expect to get wind.

Here is a wad of photos.

Here a pen.

Here a pad.

Look through 'em. If you recognize any,
write down where you last saw 'em.

And you'll consider
dropping the charges, hey?

Might. Take sugar?

I do today.

Right.

Just a minute, Eric.
We need the base.

- What are you doing?
- We need a background.

Oh, all right, all right.

Come on, then.

- In there.
- Yes, right.

Glad you spotted that, Tink.

- Is this the real one or the copy?
- It's the copy, Beth.

Has anyone done anything
about Charlotte's stuff?

We haven't had time.
We're getting close, Eric.

We need at least
six close pictures of the base.

All right, all right. I'm just taking
a couple with the flash.

- What do you want me for?
- To go to Downham with Eric.

Why?

Policeman Pulver had a pile of photos
of missing gear

all developed at a little place in the
high street there called Super Clicks.

- Super Clicks?
- Yeah.

We've got one of those
in our high street.

Well, check out
the one in Downham first.

They might have moved to pastures new

and Charlotte's
could have been the first field.

- Are you sure you're close enough?
- Look, it's all right. I've gone macro.

I'll bet you think we've come here
to beat the hell out of you.

We don't beat up artists,
we put 'em to work!

- What do you mean, work?
- There speaks a teacher!

Let's give you
a hand with that, Martin.

We've got a few things to talk about.

We know you're not the mechanic, Martin.
You're just the oily rag.

- Valerie leads and you follow.
- Not necessarily, no.

Look at this.

- What is it?
- I've no idea.

Yes, you do. It's a blow-up
of the Bow lady that you made.

- Exquisitely made, Martin.
- Oh, thanks.

- And this in the corner. What's that?
- See, what is it?

I've no idea.

This little piggy went to market,
this little piggy stayed at home...

This little piggy had nut cutlets
and this little piggy had none.

And this little piggy
baked itself into posterity.

Oh, you know, Lovejoy's right.
He has moved on.

Yeah, well, we better check it out, anyway.

- Morning, madam.
- Hi.

Look, I know it sounds odd

but I brought some holiday snaps
in here to be developed.

You're about a year too late, love.
The bloke before me, that was.

Oh. Where is he now?
Do you know?

No idea. He didn't leave an address.

I asked him to
when he gave me the keys.

And that was the last
you heard of him?

No...

No, as a matter of fact,
I sold him a bike a couple of weeks later.

Said he was gonna get fit.

Still didn't leave
a forwarding address.

Well, do you remember his name,
Mr... Jeffries?

Shepherd I think it was.
Yeah, Derek Shepherd.

Thank you very much, Mr. Jeffries.

Shepherd. Derek Shepherd.

OK. Come on.

- Are you ready, Tink?
- Ready. Go.

Right. Hi, Val. How's things?
This must seem like old times to you.

Here's Martin,
slaving over some wet clay,

knocking out copies for you to flog.

Today's special is a cow creamer.
Down to the cow. That's it.

And... Back up to me again.
Thank you very much indeed.

And I've got a prediction to make
about this cow creamer, Val.

Call me smug, if you like,

but I think you are gonna buy
this cow creamer.

Stop!

- Stop! Slight... Cut!
- How do you turn this off? There.

- So Derek Shepherd, eh?
- Yeah.

Derek Shepherd.

Same bloke that runs Super Clicks
in the village

but he left Downham a year ago.

See, Derek...
develops your pictures

and if he likes what he sees,
he pays you a visit and cleans you out.

Oh. Yeah, but how do we prove
what he's up to, Lovejoy?

We get him to do it again.

Well, first things first, Beth.

I've got another little gig
for you first.

Can I help you?

Oh, I'm not sure.

Well, I just wondered if you'd
be interested in buying something.

- Such as?
- It... Well...

- Is this yours?
- Yeah, my dad said I could have it.

It's been in the family for years.
I just need the readies, really.

Well, I don't normally
buy things like this.

- You see, there's no call for them.
- Right.

- Well, I'll give you £50 for it.
- What? Really?

Oh, that's... that's brilliant!
Thanks a lot!

Come through.

Gimbert.

- Charlie, it's Percy. Percy Broderick.
- Ah, Perce.

Listen, Charlie,

I have today seen the most exquisite
little cow creamer up at Boxford.

Oh. But is he genuine?

Well, I tell you what, I'll come up there
with you, if you like, check it over.

Perce, you're a gent.
I'm on my way. Bye.

Erm, have you ever had
your stuff photographed, Charlie,

in case of burglars?

I've been thinking about it. There've been
one or two heists our way lately.

That lad of Lovejoy's, Eric,
he takes a lovely photo.

- Eric?
- Yeah.

Ah.

Hello.

In the window, the cow jug,
we'd like to see it.

Certainly.

There we are, Perce.

Forgive me. It's just
that I hate being cheated.

Having an expert along
to check things over

saves an awful lot of unpleasantness.

And he certainly knows
how to be unpleasant.

Just businesslike.

Yes, well, you will be pleased to hear,

that in the words
of a mutual friend...

this is the real McCoy.

- How much?
- £300.

- Jonathan.
- I took the job.

I'm glad.

I think it's the right thing.

Yeah, I've got some champagne.

Right now, all I need
is a bucket of tea.

You can't get a decent cup of tea
in Paris, you know, Jonathan.

Look, have you slept on it?
Thought about it?

I didn't really need to, Jonathan.

- I'm sorry.
- But why?

I mean, this place is like
the back of beyond.

What the hell's gonna happen here
that's too good to miss?

Simple. My auction house is going
to be the best in the country.

And your father's gonna be
so proud of you, isn't he?

What's he got to do with anything?

Come on, Charlotte.
He called you home, you came running.

Please, Jonathan!
Don't use that one on me, OK?

I'm not trying to use it...
Look, I'm just...

So you think I'm here
for all the wrong reasons.

Maybe I am, but that doesn't mean
I should just chuck it all in.

Well, you chucked it all in
once before, as I recall.

A life in New York, a life with me,
it was terrific!

Why? Just to be the son he never had?

My father and I
sorted that out 25 years ago.

There was a boy down the road

who used to bully me
just like you're doing now.

- Look, I'm not...
- I haven't finished.

"Don't plead with him," Dad said.

"No tricks, no feminine wiles,

"just go straight out to him
and whack him in the mouth."

And I did.

So?

So, on that day, he made me prove,
not to him cos he already knew it,

but to me that I was just as good
as any son.

So... any day now I get my things back.
Is that it?

All tidily parceled up in a Gothic trunk?

That depends.

Miss V. Endacott?

- Yes, what's this?
- A parcel for you.

Can you sign here, please?

Thank you very much.

Hi, Val. How's things?

This must seem
like old times for you, hey?

You...

Ah-ah-ah. Language.

No, you must watch this video.

It's a real weepy, though.

It's all about this fella
who makes cow creamers.

The one, in fact, you just sold
to your last customer, Mr. Gimbert.

Mr. Gimbert also bought
the fake Bow lady.

I think he'd really enjoy this film.

Perhaps we can lend him
one of our copies.

We should give one to Policeman Pulver too.
He loves a good story.

Or perhaps you could tell him
it was your idea

to break into Martin's barn,
not mine, hmm?

Just tell him you had a tiff with Martin
and you're getting your own back.

Yeah, and while we're here,
I'll take the original Bow lady,

plus Mr. Gimbert's money,
minus, of course, the 50 quid.

Incredible.

Where on earth did you?

Charlie, Charlie, please. Hmm?

- Check her over for me, will you, Percy?
- Oh, I have, Charlie. It's the real McCoy.

Lovejoy, I want you to tell me where you...

Charlie, I just told you, no questions, eh?

Smile, Mr. Gimbert!

Is that all the photos, then, Mr. Gimbert?

Oh, no. Something else for you.
Through here. In the study.

- Ow!
- Sorry.

Now, what do you think of my latest?

Percy's idea.

What do you reckon, Lovers?

- Oh, it's beautiful, Charlie.
- Beautiful.

I knew you'd like him, Lovejoy.

- Oh, and Charlie...
- What's that?

Rent?

Lovejoy... we had a deal, remember?
And I'm a man of honor.

Oh, you're a real mate, Charlie.

- Good afternoon, sir.
- Afternoon.

I wonder if you'd develop
this film for me?

Certainly, sir. I'm afraid
it will have to be Saturday now.

Oh, I'm away for the weekend.
I'll pop in on Monday.

Very good, sir. Name and address?

Charles Gimbert. Felsham Hall.

Oh, Tink, did you have
to bring that Stilton?

I can't stand the smell of it.

I didn't bring it, Lovejoy.
It walked here on its own.

Besides, you should never turn
your nose up at cheese.

- It could be our next big earner.
- Hmm?

A couple of months ago,
one ounce of 200-year-old Tibetan cheese

went for a fortune.

Call me finicky but I prefer to eat things
that are younger than myself.

- More coffee?
- Ta.

Is that Bob?

This better be worth it, Lovejoy,
for your sake.

I have been running around
like a blue-arsed fly

checking those addresses of yours.

Not one was kosher.

My memory's terrible these days, Arthur.
Ask Nigel here.

I asked for some backup.

- They're here, Bob.
- What?

Take those jackets off, for God's sake!

Suppose you left the panda car down the road,
did you, lads, with the blue light flashing?

I'm worried we're a bit
far off the target here.

We could always lie in the pond
and practice the old bamboo technique.

Yeah, OK, OK!

- Did you turn the alarm off, Lovejoy?
- Oh...

Of course I did!

Charlie's in London, so all we've got to do
is sit down nicely and wait for...

Sit down. Nicely.

Follow me!

These photos are terrible.
That could be anything.

Who cares? Most things here
are worth a few quid.

- You said he was away.
- That's not him, is it, ringing his own doorbell.

- I'll see to it.
- No!

You in there, Charlie?

It's some old drunken mate of his.
Let me deal with it.

- I said no!
- Oi! Charlie, are you in there?

- Let's go.
- Hang on. This place is a gold mine!

There'll be others. Now let's go.

Give me a light!

The law says I should caution you.

Play me up, you buggers,
and I'll thump you!

There. Consider yourselves cautioned.

What a thing of joy
is a satisfied customer.

Charlie Gimbert thinks
I saved him from being burgled.

Bob Pulver's over the moon at nabbing

Valerie, Martin, Derek Shepherd
and the Neil brothers

who also sang like a pair of canaries

and told me that they flogged most of
Charlotte's stuff to Steffan Holbek

who let me have it back
at a very reasonable price.

Lovejoy, thank you so much.

Another satisfied customer.

Come in.

How much do I owe you?

Well, there's...

no hurry.

You remember you once asked me
if I ever did anything for nothing?

- Silly question, really.
- No, not at all.

Today, I will, provided you tell me
where this stuff's going.

- Paris.
- And why?

Mind your own business.

What about Jonathan?
Have you packed him off, have you?

- He went of his own accord.
- Oh, to Paris?

Fall out did you, hmm?

We did not fall out
and you're doing it again.

Doing what?

You're wheedling things out of me.
Things I don't want you to know.

No, I just find it interesting.
You fall out,

Jonathan goes to Paris,
you send his stuff...

- Stop it!
- You staying here, are you?

Well, of course, I am.

Who needs Paris
when they can have Suffolk

and someone like you,
poking his nose into their business?

That'll be £500.

Cash.