Lovejoy (1986–1994): Season 5, Episode 12 - Never Judge a Book by Its Cover - full transcript

You know, Lovejoy,
I'd almost forgotten how beautiful it is.

When Henry VI started the building,

the land was torn by civil war.

By the time it was finished, Henry VIII
had established the Tudor dynasty.

It took 70 years to build that, Lovejoy.

Well, builders. What can you do?

I'm very proud of
having been to this university.

- I don't think you're taking me seriously.
- Oh, I am, Charlotte.

Always do.

Don't dawdle, Lovejoy.

Why don't we just make a beeline
across the grass?



Because it would be worse
than raping the chancellor's wife

on the altar of King's College chapel.

- Who is the chancellor?
- Well, I think it's the Duke of Edinburgh.

Oh, we'll stick to the path, then.
His wife's got enough problems.

- Lovejoy. Come on.
- Plenty of time, Charlotte.

You can't want 30 quid for this,
can you, love? Hm?

Where the devil
have you been till now, Lovejoy?

Lots have been sold already.

I only just managed
to hold on to these two.

And a very good morning to you, Charlie.

This book fair's on for another two days.
Plenty of time to fill the Felsham library.

Which is a lot of books, Lovejoy.

I don't want to be left with the rubbish.

I don't mind about the higher shelves.
We can stack those by the yard.



But I do want some good books
for the front.

And something a little bit special
for the centerpiece.

Don't worry, Charlie,
I'll find you something very special.

- Hello, Charlie.
- Charlotte, my dear, how are you?

- How is your room?
- It's very nice.

Charlotte and I
are staying at the University Arms.

- Where are you staying, Lovejoy?
- I'm commuting.

But, er... I brought my toothbrush
just in case.

Charlie, there's a rather fine
oak lectern through there.

Ideal for your library revamp.

Oh, thank you, Charlotte. I'll take a look.

Ah, but first I... have to get Lovejoy
to sort my shelves out.

So, how's the door-to-door going?

Oh, Tinker and Beth are hard at
it, Charlie.

Good.

- Only a few more to go.
- You've been saying that all morning.

There's hundreds of these poxy leaflets.

These poxy leaflets, as you call them,

are an integral part
of a comprehensive business strategy.

Oh, yeah? You mean
it's a cheap way for Charlie Gimbert

to get some more
moth-eaten books for his library.

What's he want with books, anyway?
He's never read one, has he?

What Charlie Gimbert has never done
will always surprise me.

Onward.

- Faith!
- What is it, Hope?

This may be the answer to our prayers.

Look. Lovejoy.

Lovejoy.

Joy of love.

Father in heaven
must have led us to Lovejoy.

20 quid for a second-hand toothbrush

when you could buy a new one
for the best part of a couple of quid?

This is a Georgian toothbrush set

with a two-part covered paste box.

And as it's made by
James Beattie in 1791

it's probably worth about 400 quid.

- Well?
- All done.

- I'm all done in.
- Well, don't collapse just yet.

That lots needs sorting and dusting.

Soup for lunch, everybody.

Wholesome, nutritious
and full of goodness.

- And out of a can.
- It most certainly is not.

It's out of a packet.

Lovejoy, you know absolutely nothing

- about haute cuisine.
- Think I'll have a cup of tea.

Lovejoy Antiques.
Oh, I'm awfully sorry,

Mr. Lovejoy is engaged with a particularly
distinguished client at the moment

and doesn't wish to be disturbed.

Oh, books.

Lots of books.

May I have your address, please?

Madingley? Oddly enough, Mr. Lovejoy
will be in Madingley this afternoon

and can be with you within the hour.

No, Mr. Lovejoy is a man of his word

and if he says within the hour,
he means within the hour. Goodbye.

The rent, Lovejoy.
We are strapped for cash.

Eurgh!

Oh, hello. Must dash.
Mr. Dill will see to you.

- What can I do for you?
- I'd like to talk to my daughter, please.

Dad.

We're very fond of this.
It's been in the family forever.

That was Father's absolute favorite.

What is it?

It's a Meissen coffee pot.
Made around 1800.

- Worth...
- Oh, about 100.

- 120 at auction.
- Oh, is that all?

Well, what about this, then?

You know, I did come round
to see the books, didn't I?

That's a very nice little piece.

It's a Coalport rouge pot,
made around 1920, worth about £80.

But we've got all these bills.

Ladies...

the stuff isn't in that great condition.

I mean, look at this bit we saw earlier,
right? It's a Royal Worcester.

Made around 1870, right?

In good nick, this would be
worth £150, £200 at auction,

but it's been repaired around the handles
and it's got cracks on the base.

Oh. Well, what about this crested china?

- It's Arcadian, isn't it, Faith?
- Yes, it is, Hope.

Probably made
for the Empire exhibition in 1924

but you're looking at £85 tops.

Oh. I knew it.

I knew it. Father always said we'd end up
in the poorhouse, didn't he, Faith?

Father was always right.

- And where is Father?
- In heaven. With Lord Jesus.

This is Father.

Father was the bravest missionary
who ever lived.

- Really? Where did he die?
- Hatfield.

He had a stroke in '87.

Who's this little chap, eh?

- That's our brother, Raymond.
- Ah.

The baby.

So, it's Faith, Hope... and Raymond.

Daddy was always sure
he was going to have three girls.

Well, I think I should look at the books,
don't you?

- Of course. We've got lots next door.
- And Father's diaries.

We do owe a lot of money.

Bills. But we didn't want to bother anyone.

I hope I can be of help.

- We owe so much rent.
- Well, just let me look at the books, eh?

- That's Father.
- Ah.

- And there are his diaries.
- Mm-hm.

He left us a small legacy
but it's almost all gone.

"The Reverend Theodore Doncaster
holding his Marston Bible."

- Did he leave you this?
- The family Bible. Yes.

You are aware that this is a Marston Bible?

It's just our family Bible.

Our brother Raymond has it.
He looks after it.

Although it does belong to the three of us.
He's very clever, our brother Raymond.

- He's a Fellow at Cambridge.
- And he's going to be made a Master.

- And he has the Bible?
- Yes.

You see, the Bible in this painting,
ladies, is a Marston Bible,

which means if you sold this it would solve
all your current financial problems.

Only if Raymond agrees.

- Only if Raymond agrees.
- You see, it does belong to the three of us.

I could find you a buyer, you see.

- For a small commission, of course.
- Yes.

- But you'll have to ask Raymond.
- I'll do that.

In the meantime,
may I borrow these diaries? Hm?

- Yes.
- I'll give you a receipt, of course.

Ah. Here he is.

"William Marston. Former Dominican friar

"and one of the first people to translate
the whole of the Bible into English."

And..."Originally published in Geneva
in the early 1530s,

"the Marston Bible
is a much sought-after collector's item."

How can her dad say
she never learns anything here?

Mm. Hey, look, it's mentioned here.

September 1937.

"With Bible to hand, we set forth."

Yeah, it's also mentioned here.
1935. October.

This old Reverend Doncaster seems to
have spent more time buying and selling

than he did taking Holy Communion.

I know these diaries are important,
Lovejoy,

but what about my dad?

He really does want me
to stop working here and get a proper job.

- Well, I'll talk to him.
- Will you?

Oh, good. Cos he's invited you and me
round for dinner tonight.

- I knew you'd speak to him.
- Oh, not tonight, Beth.

No can do. I've got to see a man
about a Bible. Take Tink.

- Hm?
- You can charm the birds out of the trees.

- Can I?
- My dad ain't a bird.

Very nice of you to invite me, Lovejoy.

- Do you really need me?
- Like Tarzan needs Jane.

It's not often one gets invited to dinner
at High Table with a load of old dons.

Besides, it gives you a chance
to get back to your old stomping grounds.

High jinks and pajama parties
with the bright young things.

I wasn't actually at McClare College,
Lovejoy.

Well, they're all the same to
me, Charlotte.

It just gives me an excuse
to escort you back to your hotel.

Oh. And why can't I escort you
back to your hotel?

Cos I haven't got one, Charlotte.

Oh. I see you've got the evening
well planned.

Enjoying your return to Cambridge,
Miss Cavendish?

Nothing seems to have changed very much
since I left.

Nothing's changed very much here
since the late 19th century.

Interesting pieces, these, Professor.

- Could you tell me something about them?
- No, not really.

They're pieces my father picked up
when he was a missionary in Africa.

Not my period, I'm afraid. Or continent.

I understand from my sisters that you were
interested more in religious books.

- Yes.
- Well, feel free to look around.

They're scattered all over the place, as
you can see. Not one for order, I'm afraid.

Actually, it's one book in particular.

- The family Bible.
- Really? Why?

- Well, it's a Marston Bible, isn't it?
- Yes, of course it is.

- And do you know how much that's worth?
- Please don't tell me, Lovejoy.

It's a family heirloom.
I've no interest in selling it.

- But your sisters...
- My sisters are always in debt.

I help them when I can but I cannot
sell the family Bible, I'm sorry.

They would understand.

We'd like to see the Bible,
if that's possible, Professor.

Er, well, yes, but it's not here.
It's under lock and key in the library.

And dinner is about to be served.

Shall we go?

- This one's Ricky and this one's Gary.
- Hello, Tinker.

- Ricky.
- All right?

Gary.

- Oh...
- I hope you're hungry, Mr. Dill.

Ah, the delights
of Caribbean cuisine, ma'am.

It's Lancashire hotpot.

- You enjoy your food, Mr. Dill?
- I certainly do, Mr. Taylor.

Fine company, fine food, fine wine.

Shall we say grace?

Bless this food, O Lord.

Benedic, Domine, nos et dona tua.

An opportunity to restore
the works of Gainsborough.

To discover in some dusty attic
an escritoire

that might have graced the drawing rooms
of the Dukes of Marlborough.

To embark upon a journey through time
to civilizations that no longer exist

yet are ever-present
in their artifacts and treasures.

To grasp a moment in history,
to restore it for us all.

The world of art, Mr. Taylor,

is connected to the highest
spiritual aspirations of man.

Surely you would like Beth
to be a part of that world?

I want her to be part of this
world, Mr. Dill.

I want my daughter to be safe and secure.

Safe in a steady job
and secure with a steady wage.

She can continue to travel in her holidays,
visit museums in her spare time...

With respect, Mr. Taylor, I'm not
talking about holidays and museums.

- Oh, forget it, Tink. His mind's made up.
- Beth.

Your manners, young lady.
We have a guest.

It's not a guest, it's Tinker,
and I can say what I like to him.

You will not.

You let the boys say what they want and
do what they want. Why won't you let me?

Beth!

The Master would like the port.
Do you mind, Lovejoy?

No, no, no. To the left, please.

I think one of your ex-Fellows
was a naval man.

- Oh?
- Yes, it's a ship's decanter.

I was just admiring it.

So called because the broad base
gave it stability at sea.

Mushroom stopper. Very nice.

- Turn of the century. 19th century.
- I had no idea.

That's very interesting.
Any idea of a price?

- 1500 for a pair.
- Not that the money's a factor, of course.

Of course. Mustn't let vulgar commerce

enter these hallowed halls of learning,
must we?

Hello.

Oh, may I introduce our college librarian,
Dr. Julian Sadler?

Miss Charlotte Cavendish, one of
Cambridge's more distinguished graduates.

- How do you do?
- And this is Lovejoy.

- He's in the antique trade.
- Ah! That's what you do, is it?

I suppose you're here
for the antiques fair.

Mm.

- And you, Miss Cavendish?
- Oh, the same.

Then you're not here for Raymond's
inauguration as the new Master?

- It will be a great day.
- Hardly, Julian.

Don't be modest, Raymond.
We get to keep an excellent Fellow

and the library is to be given
a Marston Bible.

A memorable day.

- You're just picking on me cos I'm a girl.
- You want to behave like one sometimes.

- That's enough from you.
- She's right. You let us do what we want.

- You both have steady jobs.
- So's Beth.

I'd hardly call a low wage
and irregular hours a steady job.

- I'm learning, aren't I?
- Learning what, I wonder?

Look, I don't want no stuffy office job.
I just wanna do what I want.

- Your father has his reasons, Beth.
- Don't take Dad's side, Mum.

I'm sorry. I've debts of my own
but I will not sell it.

Well, that's your decision.
But my understanding from your sisters

is that no decision on the Bible
can be made

without the agreement of all three of you.

I've got other books I will sell
but not the Bible.

I'm afraid the matter is closed.
Miss Cavendish. Do excuse me.

Raymond has always maintained,
before my time as librarian,

that he would donate the Marston Bible
to McClare College

- when he was ordained as Master.
- You already have it.

That was a loan. I'm speaking of the
college being given the Bible. Permanently.

- I'd like to see this Bible, Dr. Sadler.
- So would I, Lovejoy.

- Well, you already have it.
- As I said, it was on loan.

Professor Doncaster removed it
some years ago.

As you're in the antiques business,
you won't mind looking at this.

- Er, you want a valuation?
- Yes, that's right.

Well, I, er... charge for valuations.

Funny little habit I picked up
in the outside world.

I'm sure we can find a fee
that will be acceptable.

I'm sure we can.

Mm. It is a thing of beauty.

Oh, it's just an old thing
that's been on the mantelpiece for years.

It's a Regency mahogany bracket clock.

Painted face,
signed by John Garland. See?

- It's worth a lot, is it?
- Mm.

But you wouldn't want to sell it,
not for money, would you?

That depends how much it's worth.

Probably four or five thousand pounds.

My colleague here could tell you
what it would fetch at auction.

Gentlemen, please,
would you like to form a line?

Say, er... £10 a valuation,
no checks, just cash?

Just joking.

- So he doesn't want to sell it, right?
- Well, he can't give it away, can he?

I mean, not without his
sisters' permission.

And why did he lie about it being in the
library when it isn't in the library?

Well, he obviously
doesn't want you to see it.

- Or anyone, for that matter.
- Yeah.

Well, I want to see it.

- Oh?
- What?

You've got that determined look
in your eye.

- What look's that?
- The one you get when you're determined.

I like it.

- Want to get a closer look?
- Mm.

Did we say something
about a nightcap at your hotel?

Charlotte! Ah, Lovejoy.

Join me for a drink, huh?

Lovejoy, you're... leaving it a bit late
for getting back, aren't you?

I was just seeing Charlotte
safely back to the hotel, Charlie.

Oh, well, she's in safe hands now,
aren't you?

- What are you going to have, my darling?
- I'm fine, thank you, Charlie.

I, erm... I have to get an early night.

Oh, no, you've got to have something.
A little nightcap, perhaps.

- Lovejoy?
- Oh, I've got to drive, Charlie.

Oh, rubbish! Anyway, I want to hear
how you're getting on

with that search for my books.

Maybe I will have that drink. Charlotte...

Good night.

Night.

Er... let me buy you one, Charlie. Hey?

- All right.
- Er... Miss. Miss.

Same again, please.

Getting on very well with the books,
actually, Charlie.

I've met this professor here in Cambridge
who's got some fabulous books.

The only thing is...
he might need a bit of buttering up.

I might have to have him out at the Hall for
lunch, you know, send the Roller for him.

- Good idea.
- Fizzy water for me, please.

Yeah?

You really ought to talk to Beth's dad,
Lovejoy.

I was at my most eloquent
but he's going to be a hard nut to crack.

I said he's not a bird and he's certainly
not a nut. Will you talk to him, Lovejoy?

- Yeah, course I will.
- Great. When? Soon?

- Soon as possible.
- Will you stop rushing me, both of you?

I need to talk to somebody who knows
about Bibles. Who do we know, Tink?

Well, there's only one local
who preaches it and teaches it.

Same one who thinks
saints are a football team, yeah?

The very one.

- Will you please...
- I will. I will.

Look wide now. Look wide, Trevor.

Oh, good boy!
Now, back door, Billy. Back door!

Oh! Brilliant!

- That was never offside!
- That was offside.

That was... Ah! Lovejoy!

- Right. Now.
- You've got to do something about your...

- Get stuck in!
- Sense of fair play.

Make the run, lad. Get that ball!

You're gonna give yourself
another heart attack.

Come on now, Tommy. Oh, well played.

No!

You're right, Lovejoy.

This is no game for a priest
with a tricky heart.

- Who's playing here, anyway?
- Oh, them and us.

Who's them and who's us?

Our Lady of Grace under 14s
versus the Sisters of Mercy.

A real grudge match, eh?

That man is an animal.

Tell me about... Marston Bibles, Niall.

- Marston Bibles?
- Mm.

- You won't find one for sale, Lovejoy.
- Just tell me about them.

Well, there are different versions,
of course,

going back to the ones he had published

in Geneva in the late 1530s. I take it
that's the one you're talking about.

- That's the one.
- Yes, well, that contained a preface.

And a dedication to the King.

And then Thomas Cromwell
persuaded Henry VIII

to allow that Bible
to be published in English.

But that dedication,
that would be easy to fake, right?

Well, yes, but not the watermark.

The boar's head. That would be impossible.

So, is there one locally, Niall?

You already know the answer to that,
Lovejoy, or you wouldn't ask.

- The Doncaster family Bible.
- Raymond Doncaster, yes.

McClare College.

Has that been authenticated
as a Geneva Marston?

No. But I don't believe
what I'm hearing, Lovejoy.

- Why?
- Raymond Doncaster is a real gent.

One of nature's own.

Oh, well played, lads!

Oh, a righteous victory!
Well played, Our Lady of Grace!

Well done, lads! Well played!

Good goal, Billy, son. Well played.

Very good, Professor. My chauffeur
will be with you within the hour.

- You all right?
- Mm.

- You will talk to my dad, won't you?
- Yeah, course I will. Soon as I can.

Promise.

I'm coming.

Professor Doncaster, your carriage awaits.

Beth!

- Only Fellows walk on the grass.
- Why only fellas? Why can't girls?

Now, see, Lovejoy,
this is what my dad's been on at me for.

I mean, what's this gonna teach me
about antiques?

Just remember, Beth,
that we are helping little old ladies.

This is in particularly fine condition.

- How much is this worth, Professor?
- I've no idea.

Shall we, er, make a guess at erm...

- 1500?
- £1500?

No, no, no. Not 1500. Erm...

150.

Yes, 150.

Oh.

And, erm... and the same for, erm...

- for this one, I think.
- Oh.

- I don't think it's here, Lovejoy.
- It's gotta be.

Keep looking.

So, as you see, Professor,
I'm refurbishing the whole library.

And I've given it a theme, actually,
er, a religious theme,

with heavenly books up on high

and books on hellfire and damnation
down below on the lower shelves.

Which I thought was rather novel.

- Confessions Of A...
- Yes, that is an interesting book.

And a religious book, in its way,
er, dealing as it does with er, sir.

And... confessions of sinfulness
and penance, that sort of... thing.

This is an interesting book.

See?

- Dickens.
- Mm.

Very clever. Beautifully crafted
on the outside, but when you open it up...

Voila. Empty.

It's for putting videotapes in.

I understand that er... Great Expectations
has just come on the market.

Certainly get that.
You don't happen to know

if they've ever done
a film of Hard Times, do you?

Got it.

Oh... look. It's beautiful, Lovejoy.

How much did you say it was worth?

Far less than I thought it was
about 20 seconds ago.

- What?
- It's a fake.

The dedication to the King is fine.

Wrong watermark.

But... what can Raymond gain from this?

Well, money, of course.
He must have sold it.

How can he expect the college
to accept a fake Marston Bible

when he's made Master?

- What about my dad?
- Never mind your dad.

Who's going to tell Raymond's sisters?

Faith. Hope.

And Lovejoy.

Raymond, so nice of you
to invite us for tea.

Mr. Lovejoy stopped on the way
so we could get your favorite cake.

It's so long since we've all had tea
together and sat around and chatted.

- And looked at our family photo album.
- And the family Bible.

Lovejoy has told us, Raymond.

- Told you what?
- That you won't agree to sell.

We really want to say you don't have to
sell it if you don't want to.

Does he, Hope?

Well, why should your father listen to me?

Oh, you can tell him that you're very
successful at what you do, Charlotte.

Well, you see, the way Dad looks at things,
boys get all the best jobs.

Like it's their right.
Girls don't even get a look-in.

Well, he sounds... old-fashioned.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, he could be
in the business. He's an antique.

That was lovely. Thank you.

- It's been far too long.
- It has, it has.

- Finish the cake.
- Yes, I will.

Bye-bye, darling. Take care.
Mind how you go.

Wait for me downstairs. I just want a word
with Raymond for a couple of minutes.

- Bye, dear.
- Bye-bye, dear.

Won't be long, ladies.

Well, Raymond...

how did you think
you were going to get away with it? Hm?

With what?

Passing off this fake
as a real Marston Bible.

- It's not a fake.
- It is.

- You're just saying that to get me to sell it.
- No, I'm not. It's a fake.

I know it's a fake.
You know it's a fake... Raymond.

Raymond?

I didn't want this to happen.

I didn't think it would happen.

So... what did you do with the real one?

I sold it at private
auction eight years ago.

For £20,000.

So, what are you going
to tell your sisters?

They must never know about this,
about the Bible.

- I need your help, Lovejoy.
- You need help. It might not be mine.

I had to do it, I had to.

I couldn't go to my sisters for permission.

There was no way.
I had to have the money.

You won't tell them why, will you, Lovejoy?

I don't know why.

I like Beth. She shows potential.

So, would you give her
a permanent job here, Miss Cavendish?

- Thanks. A salary job.
- Er... she's not experienced enough.

But she's bright. Intelligent.

Quick learner. But she's not qualified.

That's my concern exactly.
She's unqualified.

I mean, what she does
offers no security at all. Thank you.

You're a college graduate with a degree
and connections, and Beth is not.

Thanks.

You should let her try, Mr. Taylor.
She's talented.

Oh, she's young
and thinks she knows what she wants.

I seem to remember my father saying
the same to me when I was her age.

And now he must be very proud of you,
Miss Cavendish.

Show me a father who isn't proud
of his daughter.

Mm.

My father,
the Reverend Theodore Doncaster...

did not leave a legacy
to myself and my sisters.

So it's you that's been paying for them
all these years?

I told them the money was in trust.

If I could have got the Master's appointment
I could have settled their bills.

They're not extravagant, Lovejoy,
just very simple and unknowing.

And the Bible?

That was all he left us.

His time in Africa was spent in good works
and... personal extravagances.

I'm afraid he took more out of
the mission poor-box than was put in.

Some years ago, the mission came to me
in financial crisis,

created by my father's...
cooking of the books over the years.

I sold the Bible and gave them the money.

The mission's in a very healthy state now
and bears the family name.

My sisters are very proud of Father.

As they should be of you, Raymond.

So...
what about your Master's appointment?

Hopeless without the Bible.

They only need it to look at
it, don't they? To... inspect.

Yes. Then it'll be put under lock and key
until it... rots away.

So...

we just need a real Marston Bible
for the day. Right?

I can't believe you're doing this simply
out of the goodness of your heart, Lovejoy.

Oh, ye of little faith. Mm?

Lovejoy, you've been around Bibles
too much.

You want to watch that. It's catching.

So, in order to help Raymond
and his sisters,

we have to obtain a genuine Marston Bible
for a day?

Yeah, but not obtain. Borrow.

And who is gonna lend us
a valuable Bible?

Oh, I don't know. May have to buy one.

Buy one? You couldn't afford
a hymn sheet.

Charlie can, though, can't he?
And he needs a centerpiece for his library.

Oh, I see. Charlie buys a Marston Bible
and you get the commission on it.

You trace and buy the Marston Bible
that Raymond sold at auction

and some of that commission
will come your way, Charlotte.

- Assuming it's for sale.
- Here's the auction details.

Tink, I want you to find out how many
Marston Bibles there are in the country

and where they are,
in case we can't get the original back.

And, er... what are you going to be doing,
Lovejoy?

I'm going to be talking to Beth's dad.

I'm not gonna go on about Beth, Mr. Taylor,

cos I'm sure Tinker's told you what a
wonderful and talented girl we think she is.

Mm-hm.

- I just want to show you something, OK?
- Mm-hm.

Would you open your hand
towards me, please?

I'm gonna put this in there.
It's very pretty and delicate, right?

Mm-hm.

I'm going to blow that out of your hand.
I want you to try and stop me.

Don't think you meant to do
that, Mr. Taylor.

- Hm?
- Very symbolic exercise, Lovejoy.

- May I ask you something?
- Yeah.

Have you ever had regular employment?

Not in the way that you mean, no.

I'm told that some of your dealings
are a little less than legal. Is that so?

Depends who you talk to.

Ever been in prison?

Yeah.

Thanks for the drink, Mr. Lovejoy.

Well... I might as well pack my bags.

Well... you know, Beth, maybe...

maybe I can talk him round, hm?

Lovejoy.

There are three Marston Bibles
in the British Isles.

The first's in the University of
Further Faith, Northern Ireland...

the second one in Scotland...

- Haven't we got one nearer home?
- I'm just coming to...

Hello? Just a second, Tink, OK?

Marcus Farrow bought
the Doncaster Marston Bible

at a private auction eight years ago.

I've spoken with him. He knows my father.
We've chatted.

He says he's willing to sell it for 20,000.

He's willing to sell it for £20,000?

Yes.

Didn't he buy it for £20,000?

Erm... Marcus is a little eccentric.

He says he's read it and he wants
to sell it to buy something else.

- Huh.
- I'll let Charlie know, shall I?

Yeah.

- Do you mind if I go through it once more?
- No.

Right. For the time being,
Raymond's fake Marston Bible lies there.

- Mm-hm.
- OK?

Now, during the swap...
Charlie's Bible is there.

Mm-hm.

- So it's one, two, three, four.
- Mm. Four. Very good.

Fair exchange is no robbery.

It's only a temporary loan, anyway, Tink.

They're here.

Jolly good work, Charlotte.

- We thought we'd help you celebrate.
- May I?

- Ah.
- Charlie.

Thank you.

Yes, well, I suppose a toast is in order.

- Erm...
- To you, Charlie?

Yes. To myself. And my good fortune.

I hear Marstons are, er...
fetching up to 30,000 now.

Really?

You're not thinking of selling it, Charlie,
surely?

No, no.

Er... well, not right away.

What a magnificent tome.

Ah, sneaking a look, eh, Tinker?

No, no, go ahead, go ahead. I understand.

It's hard not to feel a little envious.

I... bet you wish you had one of these, eh?

- I don't believe it.
- It's a fake.

- Oh, no, surely not. Are you sure?
- It's a fake.

It's the wrong watermark. Look at it.
Should be a boar's head.

No wonder Marcus Farrow wanted to sell it
so quickly and so cheaply.

- Oh, no, this is awful, Lovejoy.
- Now we have two fake Marston Bibles.

- Well, I acted in good faith.
- Well, I won't tell Charlie if you won't.

So, does this mean
that the original Marston Bible

owned by Raymond is also a fake?

Yeah, his dad probably sold it, Tink.

But the investiture's tomorrow afternoon.
What are we going to do?

You know, Lovejoy, you never did let me
tell you where the third Marston Bible was.

So, where is it?

Do you remember when I forswore

the trials and tribulations
of this modern world

and made retreat with my...
brothers of the cross?

You're not saying it's in a monastery,
are you, Tink?

Oh, no, I'm not. But it's in the priory
six miles down the road.

Heath Green priory, to be precise.

There's a Marston Bible
in Heath Green priory?

That's right.

So we've got to swap the priory's Bible

for Charlie's copy, just for the day.

Oh, not a priory, Lovejoy.

If you hadn't bought a fake,
we wouldn't be in this predicament.

Swap it, Lovejoy?
They won't even let you see it.

They will a university professor

studying ecclesiastical books,
with his assistant.

- But you're still one Bible short.
- Why?

Look, tomorrow, if you manage to swap
the priory Bible with Charlie's Bible,

then go to the university
with the priory Bible,

you're still the third Bible short
for the second swap.

Not if you get Raymond's copy
from Charlie.

- Me?
- Who else?

- Beth. What's this?
- I've run away from home.

- Wise girl.
- Where to?

Here.

- No, you haven't.
- But, Lovejoy...

Beth!

Right, out you get. And don't sulk.
I'm doing this for your own good.

Hmph! Another one what knows
what's best for me.

- Family crest?
- Yes.

Tastefully inlaid on the inside cover.

- The Gimbert family crest.
- But I don't have one.

We can soon remedy that.
Wouldn't take more than a day.

A simple but bold design,
representative but tasteful.

You mean like a knight on a horse?

- Slaying a dragon.
- Yes.

Something like that.

Yes.

Our Bible is on constant display,
as you'll see, Professor.

We read from it
in our regular Sunday service.

If you don't mind, I'll leave you alone.

Not at all.

- Professor?
- I'm not sure about this.

We've gone beyond the point of no return.

Raymond is usually so punctual.

Sorry I'm late.

We were just celebrating Raymond's
last few moments as a professor.

- You'd better get dressed, Raymond.
- Yes, come on, we'll help.

Ah, Raymond, I just popped by
for the Bible.

Dr... Sadler, I don't believe
you know Raymond's sisters.

Faith and Hope Doncaster,
Dr. Julian Sadler.

- Dr. Sadler.
- Charmed.

Oh, well, this is marvelous. Thank you.

Pleasure.

- Is everything all right?
- So far, so good.

- I hope you know what you're doing, Lovejoy.
- See you in church, Professor.

Ladies.

Wait a minute, Raymond. Give this to me.

Thank you, dear.

Thank you so much.

We used to dress you when you were little.

That is not a fake Bible
that Dr. Sadler has.

So Dr. Sadler has the real Marston Bible
from the priory?

Yes, but only briefly, until we replace it
with Raymond's copy of the fake Marston Bible.

Charlie's fake Bible is under glass at the
priory until I swap it back for the real one.

That Dr. Sadler has until you exchange it
with Raymond's.

Yes, and then Charlie gets
his fake copy of the original Bible back.

- So... who's got the original original?
- Well, no one we know.

- Well, what's in the briefcase?
- Well, it's empty.

Until we pop Raymond's Bible into it.

- Raymond's?
- Yes, the one I got from Charlie.

- I thought Raymond's was at the priory.
- That's Charlie's.

And until we pop Dr. Sadler's
back into the priory...

The real one, not the one
he'll get after the investiture?

Charlotte, will you please
stop trying to confuse Tinker?

That's right, I'm confused.
Where's Raymond's Bible?

- You've got it.
- Of course, it's in the van.

You left a Marston Bible
in your grotty old van?

- It's not the real thing, it's a fake.
- But they won't know that.

- Who?
- The people who might steal it.

- Isn't this wonderful, Hope?
- Oh, yes. Isn't it?

- Many congratulations.
- Congratulations. Very pleased for you.

This is just a perfect day, Miss Cavendish.

Raymond's going to help pay our debts
with his salary.

We won't have to sell
any more of our little treasures.

Dr. Sadler.

I wonder... if I might
show the Marston Bible

to my colleague, Major Dill,
before you whisk it away.

By all means, Lovejoy.

Thanks. Thank you.

Major Dill.

- Exquisite.
- Mm.

Giving thanks always
for all things unto God.

Epiphany 5.

Professor Doncaster has asked me to
offer you his thanks for your co-operation.

And would you accept this book
as a token of his gratitude?

Thank you. How kind.

Would you allow me a moment
alone in this room?

Please. Leave when you're ready.

At last. A genuine Marston.

No, it's not.

It's another fake.

Hello. Lovejoy about?

He'll be back soon.

- We're waiting for him.
- Oh, well, then I'll wait too.

Oh. My dad, Mr. Gimbert.

- How do you do?
- Taylor.

Got an idea for the, er,
family Bible crest. Just a rough sketch.

- Are you a religious man?
- Me? No.

No, I don't go much for all that...
heavenly being stuff.

Though I expect somebody up there
loves me. And you?

- Charlie.
- Lovejoy, Charlotte.

- Mr. Taylor.
- Mr. Taylor.

I've, er... done a design for the crest.

- Has the Bible gone yet?
- It's right here.

Excuse me, I'd like to have
a word with you, Lovejoy.

Er, well, with all of you.

I understand that Beth tried to run away.

Now, I never intended for that to happen.

As a father, all I want
is the best for my daughter.

But you, Lovejoy,
Mr. Dill and Miss Cavendish,

believe she can succeed in this... job.

So I have decided, with some reservations,

that she can continue to work here
for a trial period.

Under your supervision, of course.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

Short and sweet.

- I'm staying on!
- So...

You're staying on, hm?

- Well... go and put the kettle on.
- Oh, great.

I come back for this.

Two sugars, please, Beth.

- Now, let us see this wondrous creation.
- Ah.

Mm. How quaint.

Is that a horse eating an ice cream?

Charlotte, that's a unicorn.

And, erm... who's the chappie
in the pajamas?

- That is a tiger, Tinker.
- Oh.

It's only a sketch.

Anyway, where's my Bible?

I think everybody got what they wanted.

Charlie nearly got his Bible,

Charlotte and Tinker got their commission,
Beth got to keep her job,

Raymond became a Master
and Faith and Hope got their bills paid.

Me? Well...

I became an expert on
fake Marston Bibles. Never again.

Oh, by the way, Charlotte, Lovejoy,
you know Dr. Julian Sadler, don't you?

Yeah, the librarian from McClare College.

That's the one, yes. Nice chap.

Well, he wants to come over
and look at my Marston.

Fancy being around?