Lovejoy (1986–1994): Season 5, Episode 11 - Swings and Roundabouts - full transcript

Do you remember those days
when you were 16 and full of tomorrow?

Take your girl to the fair,
put your arm round her on the ghost train.

Cuddle up close on the big wheel.

Thought I'd give it a whirl.

Candyfloss, toffee apples...

bit of romance.

Whee!

- Oh!
- What? Just like flying, isn't it?

- Hmm?
- I'd rather you didn't do that.

Sorry.

Right. Our turn next.



Not me, dear.
I get vertigo stepping on the pavement.

Lovejoy, Boswell wants to see you.

- What, now?
- Now. Business.

Charlotte, see you in a minute.

Who's Boswell?

Oi, Lovejoy. Come here.

By nature, I'm a traveling man, Lovejoy.

But the game's changed and I haven't.

Nobody wants to sit on hobby horses
any more.

No, my old gallopers, they're redundant.

They want waltzers
and rockets and speed, now.

What, so you're going to sell up?

No, but er... I'm thinking of cashing in
me pension.

Your pension?



What do you reckon that's worth?

It's turn of the century. It's brass.

It's worth about a hundred,
£125 if you've got the other one.

Not much as far as a pension goes.

But if you're thinking about retiring,
what about the carousel?

What, have it broken up and stripped
for clubs and restaurants?

- You've got to be realistic, Boswell.
- Oh, I am.

But that carousel will stay together.

Might do a bit of touring with it,
a bit of a novelty, but...

it's family, Lovejoy, family.

And you don't split up a family.

Family.

My family. Handed down.

Tradition, Lovejoy, tradition.

Here, come and give us a lift with this
and have a look at my pension.

There you are.

- Swap?
- OK.

Try it a bit more to the left.

See what I mean?

- I've got something for you.
- Really?

What do you think of that?

- It's a nail.
- Ah, but what kind of a nail?

A rusty nail.

They say it's the nail that closed the lid
on Charles I's coffin.

Really?

- What do you think of that?
- Amazing.

What do you think it's worth?

- I'd have to have it valued.
- See what you can do.

- Eh?
- OK.

I thought you might like first refusal.

- How many have you got?
- 300.

- Just candlesticks?
- Edwardian, Georgian, Victorian.

Nothing later than 1910.

- And they're all brass?
- Well, I could never afford silver.

Besides, brass holds its value.

How much do you reckon they're worth?

I'll have to go through all of them
individually.

They're all in good condition.

Why don't I pick them up tomorrow?

- Do me a favor, Lovejoy.
- What?

- I'd like the money upfront.
- We're talking about 15 grand here.

Oh, I know.

Right. Give me a few days.
I'll see what I can do.

Well, as soon as you can, eh?

Here, look. Take this with you.

Might bring you a bit of luck.

To our charming host and hostess,
Lucy and John.

Lucy and John.

Thank you. That's very kind.

Ee-ee.

Where have you been?

I don't think you're
in any position to ask.

Speak for yourself.

God, you look sexy.

Mm. So do you.

Lovejoy...

What?

Get off.

How about that, then?

Charlie, how about a drop of port?

Ah, yes.

Your special reserve.

So what do you think?

Not much of a menu.

If you'd wanted the a la carte,
you should've said.

I think you're outrageous.

Original, though, wasn't it?

I mean, look at this.

Milky Way, Orion's belt, the Plough.

Wouldn't get this in an Italian restaurant,
would you?

Still, I don't suppose you do this often,
do you?

I don't suppose you do, either.

Oh, I did when I was a kid.

The scent of the grass...

the burning rubber
of the dodgems.

- You're just an old romantic.
- So what's wrong with that, hm?

Do you mind?

Thank you very much.

You like antiques?

Well, I've been known to.

Have you ever heard of Charles I?

Yes, I have.

They're genuine.

I've had them tested.
I've got the certificate of verification.

The very nails that closed the lid
on his noble brow.

Surely Charles I was beheaded?

Topless or not,
they still had to bury him.

Actually, I've come over
for something bigger.

I'm over from the States
for the Cavendish auctions tomorrow.

What's that, when it's at home?

- Fun-fair memorabilia.
- Is that so?

- Mm. Now, if I could find a carousel...
- What?

- That thing there.
- Boswell's gallopers?

Huh!

No chance.

They're family, aren't they?

Now, how much do you want
for those nails?

So what made your father start
this annual fair auction?

It was an idea and it worked.

It's a sale like any other. The fair makes
it a bit more of an event, that's all.

God, you're beautiful.

What are you after?

£15,000.

I knew it.

I trust you're not looking at me.

Have you ever thought of a partnership?

Yes, but not with you.

I was speaking in a financial manner.

So was I.

Tell us a story.

Next time.

A pound.

Do you blunt the ends of these?

Here you are. Dinner.

Oh! Free go.

It's a knack.

Yeah, I'll sort something out.

Positive thinking, that's it.

- I love your optimism.
- I love your nose.

What's next?

- Bed.
- I thought you'd never ask.

Separately.

- Two can sleep better than one.
- Not in my case.

I know what you mean.

- Lovejoy...
- Do I detect a blush?

There is nothing more attractive
than a beautiful woman blushing.

- Will you get out?
- No.

- Lovejoy...
- You are irresistible.

I've got a very early start.

So have I. Can't we start together?

Out.

Oh...

Thanks for coming.

Thanks for asking.

Lovejoy...

Mm?

You've forgotten something.

What?

This.

Good night.

Good night.

- And how was the fair last night?
- Fun.

- And dinner?
- Different.

And the rest of the evening?

- Did you sleep well, Charlotte?
- Like a log.

So did I. Hello, Kate.

Any luck with your adventure?

No, not yet. But I'm not giving up.

Morning, Lovejoy. Seen anything you fancy?

Well, there is something
but it's not available at the moment.

Nineteenth century French.

- French?
- Yeah.

How do you know?

Because the horse's head is
turned out to the right.

You see, French and American carousels
go anticlockwise,

so the horses face out to the right,

and English go clockwise,
so the horses face out to the left.

- A bit like the way we drive.
- Get off!

It's true. Look.

- English. Horse turned out to the left.
- You're right.

It has been known.

Oh, this is magnificent.

- Still only on its second coat of paint.
- How can you tell?

The manufacturer's name is on the saddle.
Look, here.

See? More than two coats
would've covered it.

They were very proud of their names.
It was like an artist signing a painting.

- Any luck?
- No. I think candlesticks are off the menu.

I called Maurice
but he said money has gone out of fashion.

Hmm.

Look at the way the paint's bubbled.
That's gold leaf.

They used to cover the whole
of these things with gold leaf.

It's magnificent.

So... Up the drainpipe and over the top.

Must've been very agile.

Where were you, sir?

I was in the dining room
most of the evening.

- And you heard nothing?
- No.

Nor did any of our guests.

How far is the fairground from here?

There were only six makers
in the whole country

and they'd construct
to your specifications.

- How come?
- Everybody had his own design.

Some of them had the heads of rival owners
caricatured on the horse's bum.

Somebody up there likes me.

It's a tragedy to see these old carousels
broken up like this.

Very rare you'll find
a complete ride nowadays.

Complete ride?

Yes, like the one at the fair last night.

Do you know that carousel is worth
almost £400,000?

- Why don't they just put one together?
- It's impossible.

Once they're split up,
they're lost forever.

And speaking of lost forever, I think
I shall disappear into a bowl of gin.

I have found my Picasso.

Now, what's the state of play
between you and Lovejoy?

About 40-love in my favor.

With you serving?

Two aces
and an unbeatable backhand volley.

- Brilliant.
- Thank you.

Do you give lessons?

No.

- Morning, Charlotte.
- Ed!

So, you got across.

Oh, Kate Henshaw,
this is Ed Taylor from Boston.

- Pleased to meet you.
- Hello.

I wouldn't have missed this for the world.
You've got some great stuff here.

- That's not a Picasso.
- It is to me.

I bet if you scratched the paint off
you'd find the numbers underneath.

- I want you to bid for it.
- You're joking?

You can bid up to £1,000.
Just make sure you get it.

I've got a few calls to make.

Ugh!

What is this? Boswell's bargain basement?

I got those legit.

Are you expecting an electricity strike?

Or planning to start
your own national grid?

Leave it out. I'm a collector.

Oh! So am I.

A collector of people like you.

I've got an alibi.

I wouldn't hold a candle to it
if I were you.

You're nicked, Mr. Boswell.

Bring him to the car, will you?

Oh, dear.

450.

Do I have an advance on 450?

500. I now have 500.

550...

600.

650... 700?

700.

750.

Am I all done at 750?

I'm selling at £750.

- Well?
- I did it.

- How much?
- 750.

Go back in and wait for it.
Take it back to the shop.

'Ey, Charlie. What were the police doing
round your place this morning?

- Police, Charlie?
- I thought they were looking for you

and had come to me by mistake.

Really? What did they want you for?

Receiving?

Someone broke into the Welland-Smythes
last night.

Well, don't worry, Charlie.
I'll tell them you were with me.

- I was there. I was having dinner.
- Ooh, very nice.

What was your girl up to in there?

- What do you mean?
- Bidding for that piece of garbage.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You don't fool me, Lovejoy.

Of course I don't, Charlie.

She was probably bidding for
somebody else. It is allowed, you know.

So, er, what did these burglars get?

- Ornaments.
- Oh? What sort?

Plate, goblets, candlesticks.

- Candlesticks?
- Mm. Georgian.

Really?

"Oil on canvas, Village Fair, £750...

"Lovejoy."

- Why?
- 40-15?

I doubt it. When it comes to business,
Lovejoy isn't sentimental.

He must've seen something
that we all missed.

I must look at it again.

He's already taken it.

Charlotte.

- How long before my stock gets across?
- About a month.

Any chance of speeding it up?

- Yes.
- How?

- Money.
- Ah. How much?

- Can we find out?
- Uh-huh.

- How about a drink?
- I have to finish off here, I'm afraid.

Well, if you change your mind,
I'm across at the hotel.

Thank you.

Ed...

Why did you bid for that painting?

Fun. And I thought I might have missed out
on something but I don't think so.

I could see the girl was desperate.

Never go shopping when you're hungry
was my old Daddy's advice.

How about dinner?

They'd got no right to do it,
no right whatsoever.

It's a nightmare. Boswell's not a villain,
never was and never will be.

- So what's it about?
- There was a robbery last night.

Said he was a suspect.

He's not the sort.

- Besides, he was here last night.
- I know, I was with him.

Then perhaps you could tell them.

You've got to do something, Lovejoy.
At least go and talk to him.

He trusts you.

I doubt it after this.

These darts are blunt!

Murder, isn't it?

Picasso.

- Ah.
- Mm.

Ooh.

So you're saying that all those candlesticks
are legit? There's not one dodgy one?

- I swear it, Lovejoy.
- I don't see how they can hold you.

They seem to think they can.
Why can't you bail me out?

- With what?
- The candlesticks.

They're impounded.

Listen, if you get me out, I promise
you'll have them candlesticks, honest.

- Please.
- I'll see what I can do.

Oi. You couldn't get me a drink
and a packet of fags, could you?

So, this is the painting
you were getting for Lovejoy.

Mm. This is it.

What's all the fuss about?

Picasso.

Pick who?

He thought it was a Picasso.

Oh, no!

I know!

He's losing his way, poor chap.

Possibly.

Whatever made him think
it was a Picasso?

Sad, isn't it?

Why would he think that?

Mm. The moment he saw it,
he went straight to a phone

and he asked me to bid up to 1,000 for it.

- Did he?
- Mm.

Oh, he was afraid
you were going to bid against him.

He says you know more about paintings
that he'll ever know.

- Did he really?
- Yeah.

He's quite an admirer of yours, you know.

Funny way of showing it sometimes.

That's just the way Lovejoy is.

It's got something, I suppose.

Whatever it is, it's very early.

- Very what?
- Very early.

Oh, that's what he said.

- Did he?
- Yeah.

That American must've thought it had
something an' all.

How much did you say you paid for this?

So he couldn't have done it.

Why not?

I just told you. He was sitting with me.

Well, that may be so, Lovejoy,
but would a jury believe it?

More to the point, do I believe it?

- Why would I lie, Bob?
- Oh, come on!

- Why not?
- There were witnesses.

- You said you were in a caravan.
- Well, we were.

Who saw you in there?

- No-one.
- Exactly.

You could've been talking to yourself.

- £1,000?
- Yep.

You made a profit of £250
in under an hour?

- That's right.
- You're a genius.

- I know.
- Beth!

- Lovejoy will be knocked out.
- Do you think he'll give me a bonus?

Where's the painting?

- Listen to this.
- Just a second. Where is it?

- Tell him.
- In a minute. Where's the painting?

- Show him.
- Show me what? It's a check.

- It's a painting.
- For £1,000.

This brilliant assistant of yours
has made £250 in under an hour.

- Give her a bonus.
- You sold it to Charlie Gimbert.

- I sold it to Gimbert.
- You sold it to Gimbert?

- It was easy.
- I don't believe it.

You made £250 out of Charlie.
She is a genius.

There goes the bail money.
Never mind, come on, Tink.

Sorry, Lovejoy. Have I got it wrong?

No.

No, you got it right, kid. You just got it
right on the wrong day, that's all.

Tink!

Well?

Ah, here we are.

- Yes.
- Mm.

They're saying Boswell went up a drainpipe
and got in through a skylight.

Have they seen him?
Not Boswell, it's not possible.

Are you saying he was working
with someone else?

I'm saying that he didn't do it.

- I'm saying that he did.
- Bob...

These are ours. And I think I recognize
some of the others.

I bought them in Grimsby in '87.

- Can you prove that?
- No, I can't.

Exactly.

What are we gonna go?
I've got to get out of here.

- Start tunneling.
- Oh, ha, ha. Very funny.

- Who else knew about your candlesticks?
- Why?

We've got to prove they were in
your possession before the robbery.

- Oh, I see.
- Oh, hang on.

Fags.

Erm...

'Ey!

Did you have to take a mortgage out
to get this?

This isn't a hotel, you know.

I wouldn't know one candlestick
from another.

I don't want to get involved
with the police, it's against my religion.

We just want you to make a statement
that you've seen them before.

- I don't know that I have.
- He says you have.

- Must've been a long time ago.
- The longer the better.

That's the whole point. What's important
is that you saw them before the burglary.

- They all look the same to me.
- It doesn't matter.

For all I know, he might have stolen them.

But not from the Welland-Smythes.

Once you get involved,
anything can happen.

Lil, have I ever let you down?

Tinker, us fair people
like to keep ourselves to ourselves.

So did Boswell show you the candlesticks?

I'm afraid not, Lovejoy.
Would you like me to say I'd seen them?

- No, not if you hadn't.
- I just want to help.

It doesn't make sense.
He couldn't have done it.

I know. But the people who were robbed
are saying some of the stuff's theirs.

You don't think Boswell did it?

So you bought all these legitimately
but you can't remember where?

Receipts?

John Arthur Boswell,

I'm arresting you on suspicion
of the theft of these candlesticks.

Anything you say will be taken down
and may be used in evidence.

I'm going to sue you
for wrongful arrest, Kojak.

Come on, Chippendale.

Try and get on to anybody you can
at the Grimsby market

who remembers Boswell buying
a pair of candlesticks there in 1987.

- Cor, we'll be lucky.
- Worth a try.

Where are you going?

Afternoon tea at the Welland-Smythes'.

Passez-moi les cucumber sandwiches.

Hello, I'm Lovejoy, an antique dealer.

- Didn't we see you?
- At the police station, yes.

- I had some stuff stolen, too.
- Any luck?

I thought I had until you claimed them.

- Claimed them?
- Mm. Pair of Victorian candlesticks.

- I could've sworn they were mine.
- Yours?

Mm. I think I had them stolen from
the shop. I didn't want to make a fuss.

I could be wrong

but I'm sure that they are the pair that
I bought in Grimsby on October 16th 1987.

I remember the day
because of that terrible storm

and the lights went out in the hotel
and they came in very useful.

You'll have to speak to my husband.

I'd recognize them.
One of them has a scratch...

- They're not here.
- They're not here?

No, they had to stay at the station
as evidence.

You leave the arrangements to me,
Mr. Taylor. I'll be in touch.

My pleasure.

Oh, Charlotte.

Everything can be sent express
for another 250.

- Can they send you as well?
- I'm a little more expensive.

Hey, I got a big check book.

- Did you change your mind about dinner?
- Far too busy, I'm afraid.

- Time for a quick drink, though.
- Great.

What do you have to do
to get a drink around this place?

- Tina?
- Oh. What would you like?

Er, gin and tonic, please.

And a Scotch and water for me.

So, Lovejoy's let you off the leash
for a while.

I can't imagine what you mean.

Don't worry. I won't say a word.

I'm just pleased
you're here to help me celebrate.

Celebrate what, exactly?

Lovejoy, we're in luck.

Boswell's famous in Grimsby. He's been
buying candlesticks there for ten years.

But there's no receipts or bills
or anything.

- Anybody willing to come forward?
- There might be.

It's the third time the Welland-Smythes
have been burgled in 18 months

and it's always when the fair's in town.

Last time, it was her jewelry and they
claimed over 100 grand from the insurance.

And each time the burglar knew
exactly what he was looking for.

- Yeah but how come he didn't...
- Lovejoy.

Ed Taylor thinks
he's bought Boswell's carousel.

Who from? Boswell's still in nick.

I've no idea.
He said he's doing the deal today.

Then we need to keep our eye
on Mr. Taylor.

I don't blame her, Lovejoy,
but I do blame you.

You're a charlatan.
An empiric, quacksalver, medicaster.

- What?
- A con!

This picture is worth less than the frame.

- That's true.
- It's garbage.

I want my money back and I want it now.

I understand, Charlie.

You understand?

I understand your frustration

but you must take into account
that I paid £750 for that painting.

- That's your problem.
- Well, not really.

You gave me another 250.

You'll find you can't do that
to me, Lovejoy.

Why not? I bought it in good faith,
Beth sold it to you in good faith.

- All right. I shall report you.
- Who to?

I won't honor the check.
I'll have it stopped.

Oh, well, that'll look good, won't it?
Especially in the trade, hm?

Charlie Gimbert does not honor
his checks.

No. I can't let you do that, Charlie

No, I'm going to give this back to you.

Well, on one condition.

What's that?

Well, call me old-fashioned but I think you
should make a profit on a transaction,

no matter how small, so...

- How much?
- 100.

- 20.
- 80.

- 30.
- 70.

- 40.
- 60.

- 50.
- Done.

- Are you serious?
- Never more so.

You're right about one thing, Charlie.

The painting is worth less
than the frame it's in.

- 18th-century Italian...
- Mm-hm.

- Possibly Maratta.
- Salvator Rosa, actually, Tink.

It was the frame, Charlie.
It's a Salvator Rosa.

I phoned Vallander's of St James'
and they said it's probably worth 15 grand.

Oh, so that's what you were up to.

A check is a contract, Lovejoy.
You know that.

What check?

What happens if they discover
they're not ours?

We'll tell them we made a mistake.
Will you stop making a fuss?

He said he could recognize them
from a scratch.

Oh, yeah. It's all set up.
What time do you want to meet him?

Right.

Taylor's on the move.

- This is it?
- Yeah.

Mr. Taylor. Glad you could make it.

I'd walk over broken glass
for this opportunity.

- Want to take a closer look?
- Sure, why not?

We'd better split up.

- Lil, have you see Beth or Tinker?
- No. Any luck, Lovejoy?

Not yet.

What happens to the gallopers
if Boswell goes to prison?

Boswell's family's different.

What does that mean?

We've got our own set of rules
and our own way of going about things.

Now that Boswell's been arrested,

the rights of the gallopers
move on to the next man

and stay his until Boswell's released
or found not guilty.

So technically at this minute,
Boswell doesn't even own them?

That's right.

- And whoever does, could sell them?
- They wouldn't.

- But they could.
- Yes.

- So who would that be?
- The next of kin.

- Who is that?
- His nephew.

The hobby horses!

They're beautiful.

- Where's Boswell?
- He's waiting for you.

- Where?
- In his caravan. Come on.

They can't be far.

Just along here.

- I've found them. Where's Lovejoy?
- By the rifle range.

I'll stay here. You go and get him.

- They're in there.
- Right.

- They must be round the back.
- Lovejoy!

- Well, Tink?
- They're still in there.

What now?

I think it's time we called in the police.

- Leave it to me.
- Here they come.

I'll pack your ride up tonight
before the fair moves off tomorrow.

Thank you very much, Mr. Boswell.

Your uncle will be proud to know
you're using the family name, Mr. Boswell.

Tink!

Was it something I said?

- Oh!
- It's all right, Tinker, I've got him.

Oh!

Get me down!

Oh...

Get me down!

In a minute. While you're hanging about
up there, you can answer me something.

Get me down, will you?

What did you do with the stuff
you nicked the other night?

Oh, look, I'm losing my grip.

What did you do with it, Boyd?

It's back in their house.

The Welland-Smythes', yeah?

Yes!

They set up the break-ins, which you did
and then they collect the insurance, right?

Yes!

And then you set up Boswell.

Look, I'm slipping.

I can't hear you.
Then you set up Boswell, right?

- Yes!
- Right, bring him down.

It won't go.

- What do you mean, it won't go?
- It must be the generator.

Lovejoy, please come down.

You know I can't stand heights.

- I'm doing my best, Tink.
- I can't. I'm going.

Swing out, otherwise
you'll fall into the machinery.

Going... Going!

Can you believe
the brass-nosed cheek of it?

I don't care if I hear the name
Welland-Smythe ever again.

He cynically used my good name
as a cover.

I was sitting there having dinner with them
while Boyd was upstairs breaking in.

Which they knew all along.

So they collected the insurance
and he returned the goods?

Incredible.

The unbridled greed and deviousness
of the criminal mind, eh?

- I mean, who can fathom it?
- Who can?

It's you I feel sorry for, old sport.
I mean you came out of it with nothing.

On the contrary.
I came out of it rather well.

Oh, really? How's that?

When I didn't get the carousel,
Lovejoy turned me on to the candlesticks.

- Candlesticks?
- Boswell's candlesticks.

They're worth a fortune in the States.

Now, why would he do that?

Returning a favor.

- Favor?
- It was a terrible painting.

Wonderful frame.

I bid for it myself originally.
I didn't know what I was looking at.

Yes. And er...

How much did you pay him
for this frame?

£18,000.

A snip.

Candyfloss and ice cream...

popcorn...

and toffee apples.

Swings and roundabouts.

Mm. It's great to be a kid again.

- Excuse me, may I have a kiss?
- Certainly.