Lovejoy (1986–1994): Season 5, Episode 10 - Goose Bumps - full transcript

Attention, pleasel

This is the last and final call for
passengers traveling to Hoek van Holland.

This is the last and final call. Thank you.

Be brave, Lovejoy.

Even the kids don't yelp these days.

Have a little rinse.

All right, open. Come on.

Do you know a man called Terence Sullivan
at all in your line of business?

Only, he's married to my sister Maureen.

Or he was.
All the signs are, he's no longer with us.

He was last seen on the
Harwich-Hook ferry three weeks ago.



I know he got on, but not where he got off.

The thing is,
Maureen would appreciate a little help.

- Help?
- Well, guidance.

And knowing that I'd got you today...

- Have the police...
- Oh, no, no, no.

She's had them up to the gills.
There you are, that's you done.

I'm not the man you
want, Malcolm, for this.

- No?
- No.

Pity. Settle up with Claudia
outside, will you?

Oh, you look dreadful!

We thought we'd collect you, Lovejoy,
in case you were under the weather.

Well, as long as you don't mock, Tink.
You could be next.

Oh, not me, Lovejoy. Other parts may be beginning
to fail, but I've the teeth of the tiger.

That'll be ?96, please, Mr. Lovejoy.



How much?

- Malcolm!
- Hmm?

Give me Maureen's address. I'll trade you.

Terence Sullivan. Once described
as the Lovejoy of King's Lynn.

I've never heard of him.

Did he jump or was he pushed?

- Is this unfinished business we can pick up on?
- Are we vultures, Tink?

- His poor wife.
- Exactly.

We'll do it for Maureen.
All for Maureen, Beth.

- So how did you hear about it, Maureen?
- The police came round.

Someone on the ferry had heard a splash,

and seen a dark object in the sea.

Helicopters went out,
but they didn't find anything.

How did they know it was your husband?

There was a stewardess who knew him.

He made the trip that often,

and he was the only one of the passengers
they couldn't account for.

- Flapjack? It's homemade.
- Yummy!

Ooh!

Who was he going to see in Holland?

Was he...
Was he a little disturbed before he left?

It wasn't suicide.

He was an optimist,
even when things were against him.

Though I was never quite sure
what he was up to.

Furniture always changing under me.
You know how it is.

Yes, we know how it is.

Not sure there's anything here now.

You never know what he was sitting
on, do you?

- Where did he keep his stock?
- I don't know.

It's only since he's been gone that I've
realized what a state he was in, financially.

People phoning up,

letters by every post.

God knows how I'm ever
going to answer them.

Yes, well, we'll make a couple of calls and see
what we can come up with. You know how it is.

Well, I'm very grateful to you both
just for coming along.

- We'll stay in touch.
- Thanks.

And...

whatever you may hear about Terence
from others,

he was always a lovely man to me.

Oh, do come in, Mr. Gimbert.

It's lovely!

Just had my lunch.

Tink,

letter of condolence from Charlie Gimbert.

"Sullivan, what about my ?3,000?

"Come on, you little toerag, pay up
or I'll have to get stern with you."

Nice, eh?

Sullivan. I know I've got him somewhere.

Yes, he brought us a Queen Anne side chair.
It went for 50,000 last October.

- Hmm. And the man himself?
- Oh, a charmer with an eye for the ladies.

The Lovejoy of King's Lynn.

- Nothing dodgy about him?
- Not that came to my ears.

- He had an accident, you said?
- We're trying to help the widow.

- Is that all?
- Yes, Kate.

Sometimes when people are in trouble,
you have to help them.

Lovejoy, the people's friend.

Oh, what a refreshing way to relax
after a long, hard morning on the bench.

Why you wish to become a magistrate,
Mr. Gimbert, I can't imagine.

Well, Mrs. Normington, life's been good to
me. I think it's time I gave something back.

Oh, admirable sentiments! If only
others were as public-spirited as you.

You must come to dinner
with the judge and myself.

Delightful.
And you must come and swim again.

Oh, yes, please.

- Thursday?
- Erm... Thursday.

And I must ask you, you are having
the dog show this year at Felsham?

Only I haven't seen it advertised,
and people are beginning to ask.

- Dog show?
- On the lawn. Well, it's a tradition.

Lord and Lady Felsham never let us down.

It's the last week of this month.

- Yes, of course.
- And the children's pet corner.

And sideshows and everything!

And the children's pet corner
and sideshows, yes.

Good. See you Thursday, same time.

- Might I bring a friend?
- Of course.

Thank you.

Bye.

What do you know about a dog show
up at Felsham Hall?

- Oh, it's an annual event.
- Lady Felsham would never have missed it.

Oh, that means the grass'll be covered.

Doo-doo is a small price to pay
for keeping in with the doggy set.

Who were you talking to just now?

Never you mind who.
What have you got there?

We're just trying to turn a penny.

There's a Mrs. Sullivan on the phone.

Oh, thank you, Beth.

Oh, and Charlie? Just keep the Rottweilers
away from Kiddies' Corner, eh?

Kiddies?

Maureen.

I've found something in
one of his suit pockets.

Right, what have we got here?

- 19th century Chinese geese?
- Export.

What are we talking about?
Two or three grand, tops?

- Two, maybe.
- Nothing to go overboard about, Tink.

Still...

Isn't it three thousand
he owes Charlie Gimbert?

Gimbert is not going to get
a penny of this, Tink.

Not a penny. All for the widow.

All for the widow.

White bodies, brown feet, beaks,
moulded plumage. A pair.

Yeah, identical.

Well, I don't know, Martin.
What would you say?

You would, eh?

Thank you, Martin. I may get back to you.

Christie's have confirmed our price,
three grand, tops,

but that was Martin of Macclesfield
offering me four.

- Sight unseen?
- Hmm. What does he know that we don't?

He knows a buyer.

Same one that Sullivan was going to meet
in Holland when he slipped on a wet deck?

Summat's up, Tink.

If you want to use my telephone, Lovejoy, why
don't you wait until I've gone to lunch?

I always like to pay my debts.

- Speaking of lunch...
- Spoken for. Sorry.

Elspeth of Hungerford knows geese.

This isn't in the normal line of business.
Lovejoy's trying to help a widow in need.

Hello? May I speak to Elspeth, please?

That's another 50p.

Oh, I'm sorry. When?

Well, I'm sorry to have troubled you.

So, what have we got?

We've got a pair of geese, not that
special, but somebody loves them.

Their owner may be in
hock to Charlie Gimbert,

goes to Holland to try
to make a deal. Maybe.

Falls overboard. Another red herring?

Something's fishy.

Just like this.

I don't know, time was when cigar smoke
used to have the ladies drooling.

I don't know what the world's coming to.

So, about this dog show.

Well, seems like we're stuck with it, but
my idea is to have an event in the evening.

Black tie, invited guests.
Dealers, collectors. Animal theme.

A percentage to Wildlife Action.

Oh, but that's lovely!

I thought so. And you, my dear,
would be my perfect organizer and hostess.

- Me?
- Oh, the glamor to front the action.

With me being just a solitary bachelor.

"The Cavendish House invites you
to a gala evening at Felsham Hall."

You've got it.

Thank you for a lovely lunch, Charlie.

Charlie Gimbert, Justice of the Peace?

Imagine coming up in front of him
in the morning with a hangover.

Never mind that. I said you would help.

- You too, Tinker.
- Thank you.

- And Beth, would you do a leaflet for us?
- Yeah, easy.

Charlotte, these charities are not always
what they seem to be. You should know that.

It's not a charity, it's a sale.

Business.

Oh, come on, we can have some fun together.

- Fun.
- Yeah. What's wrong with it?

Tinker, why am I being pushed into this?

Oh, we could stick the geese in it.

Beth, tell me about these geese.

- Oh, they're lovely. Chinese porcelain, export...
- Beth!

Beth, excuse me. First thing you
learn in this business, shtoom!

Well, not with Charlotte. She's one of us.

Well, aren't I?

Anyway, they sound just the thing.

- Animals, wildlife.
- These are domestic geese.

Excuse me.

He's a little sensitive today.

What about?

Gather round and I'll
tell you a charming story.

Tink? Beth? Work to do.

What is so special about 'em?

- They're cracked, look.
- It's not about value, Beth.

It's about someone who wants them.

But why?

Maybe two people who want them equally.

Rival obsessives.

If we can find two such people,
pit them together, what sport, what profit!

You know,
Sullivan could have been onto this, right?

- Someone in this country...
- known to Martin in Macclesfield.

And someone in Holland
who Sullivan was setting up.

- It could have cost him his life.
- They murder for it?

- De Hont.
- De Hont?

- Yeah, De Hont, the fella we met last year.
- What, that bloke from Brussels? No.

- He was into birds. Geese. Birds of all kinds.
- No. Buffalo.

- And birds.
- No, it wasn't. It was buffalo.

Cloisonn? enameled buffalo.

- No. And birds. I think you'll find I'm right.
- You'll find you're wrong.

- I know I'm right.
- No, I know you're wrong.

- I'll bet you a fiver.
- You haven't got a fiver.

I will have when I win this bet.

I'm on my 50th length.

That's Mrs. Normington, the judge's wife.

That's Mrs.
Pelham, the chief constable's wife.

Don't know the other two though, Charlie.

Whomever, they seem to have started
a swimming club in my pool, twice weekly.

Well, you know what they say.
Give 'em an inch.

I'm just honored
to be part of the Wildlife committee.

Is it nice and warm, ladies?

Oh, yes!

Do you know a dealer called
Sullivan, Charlie?

- Terence Sullivan.
- Sullivan? He owes me. What's he up to?

He slipped off the side of a ship.

- More than likely.
- To avoid creditors, some people say.

- Natty line in wigs, Sullivan.
- Didn't push him, did you, Charlie?

Not worth the bother. Piddling amount.
Write it off to tax.

Why are you asking me all this, Lovejoy?

Well, the widow was a bit distressed.

Thought you might have put pressure on him.
The balance of his mind?

She said that?
I never even met the bloody woman.

Don't worry about it.

- Bye, ladies.
- Bye!

Goodbye, Mr. Lovejoy.

Lovejoy Antiques. How may I...

Oh.

It's your dentist.

Malcolm. Hello.

Yeah? What? When?

I'll be right over. Yep.

Loose filling. Back later.

Kate, what do you make of Lovejoy?

- Something funny?
- You want a character reference?

No, I want to know what you think.

Is he a good bet, you mean? For you.

Well...

yes.

Lovejoy is erm... unique.

- What does that mean?
- Whatever you want it to mean.

Look, that's not good enough.
I want hard facts.

I want to know...
Is he honorable, for instance?

Oh, dear, what a funny word.
For Lovejoy.

Well, I thought I'd got his number,

but Tink's been telling me
about a widow he's been helping.

Well, he makes him sound like a saint.

Well, Tinker's his friend.

Personally speaking, Lovejoy is
one of the sweetest people I know.

What more do you want?
Don't listen to me, get on with it.

Sweet?

- Note from a dead man this morning.
- Who delivered it?

I don't know.
Claudia said she was young and blonde.

She's coming back at
seven o'clock for some key

that I'm supposed to get off Maureen
without her knowing. Bloody cheek.

- Is this Sullivan's handwriting?
- How would I know?

Can't really ask Maureen, can I?
Hornets' nest.

- Give it to her.
- Where did you get that?

- I won't ask. Teeth all right?
- Like a tiger's.

Surgery. Yeah, he is.

- Lovejoy?
- Yeah.

- It's for you.
- Ta.

- Yeah?
- There's an invitation to supper, Lovejoy.

From Miss Cavendish,
to discuss Charlie's gala evening.

- I'm working, Tink.
- I offered to go in your place,

a suggestion she received rather harshly, I
thought. You're half an hour late already.

- Business before pleasure.
- What business?

She's early.

Thanks.

Have you got another way out of here?

What do I say to her?

Just give her the key.
There's no way she can use it tonight.

- Get lost, did we?
- Dentist.

And erm...
Could I have a little warning next time?

Now, I expect you'll want
to get out of those nasty, wet things.

Towel and dressing gown,
upstairs, first on the left.

Oh, yes!

This is very...

If you would have got here earlier,
you'd have seen a rainbow over my lake.

A rainbow?

Actually, it's at its
best in the early morning.

More wine?

There, now.

- Hmm.
- That's nice.

Supper won't be long.

I had to turn it off.

Sorry about that. I'm starving.

- So, tell me about this man.
- What man?

The one who fell off a ferry
and all he left was a pair of geese.

I'm just trying to sell them to help his widow
pay off his debts. Don't know anyone, do you?

- Into geese?
- Mmm.

No. Sorry.

But what you're saying does confirm things
I've been hearing about you lately.

What's that?

That you've got a big heart.

Kind to animals,

widows, orphans.

- A sweet man.
- Sweet?

Sweet. Who said that?

Girls don't divulge their sources.

You know, Lovejoy,

we may as well be honest with each other.

When I first got back here,

you didn't make
a very good impression on me.

What did I do, Charlotte?

Well, it wasn't so much what you did,

as what people said you were likely to do.

I was warned off you, which is why
you may have found me a little...

- Aggressive.
- No, defensive.

What's this?

- Ratatouille.
- Oh.

- You know...
- What?

- I think I've been...
- Missing something?

Definitely.

It takes time.

You have lovely eyes.

Well, so have you, Charlotte.

So have you.

Skip the chops.

Famished, you said.

- Lovejoy?
- Yeah?

Come with me.

Question.

In the height of passion,
did you call her Lottie or Charlie?

- Next question.
- Oh, come on, Lovejoy.

I know you spent the night with her.
You're wearing the same T-shirt.

I always wear the same T-shirt.

She's never shown
the slightest interest in you before.

So what stroke did you pull?

As your oldest friend and confidant,
I've a right to know.

Tinker, I thought you were a gentleman.

Girls don't divulge their secrets,
and neither should chaps.

There he was, like a drowned rat,

late, of course,

with these flowers, wilting.

Wilting?

- Definitely wilting.
- And did he enjoy the chops?

What chops?

Here she comes.

If I'm reading this correctly, Lovejoy,

the man who threw Sullivan overboard
is now pretending to be him.

What if he's homicidal? Do you want
to get mixed up with a murderer?

Now that you've fallen in love.

Right, Tink, this is where we score,
if it's who I think it is.

Well, if it's De Hont, he's into buffalo.

- Geese.
- Buffalo.

Geese.

- Buffalo.
- Geese!

- Geese!
- Buffalo.

- Geese!
- Buffalo, buffalo, buffalo!

- That man's wearing a rug, isn't he?
- Natty line in wigs, Sullivan.

- It's the man himself.
- Obvious assumption from the start.

Yeah, wait here, Tink.

- Who the hell are you?
- Lovejoy, Mr. Sullivan.

- Who is it?
- Erm... Room service.

- Champagne?
- No, he's come to fix the central heating.

You take as long as you like in there.

Lovejoy. Divvy Lovejoy.
So it was you Maureen put onto me?

Smart girl, my wife. What have you done
with the geese? Sold 'em already?

- Not so fast, Terence.
- You're obviously acquainted with the facts.

I don't want to insult you
by hiding anything. Huh?

I did what I had to do
because somebody was after me.

And you rode to shore on
the back of a dolphin?

- Your wife thinks you're dead.
- I know.

- She's grieving for you.
- Well, she'll get over it.

- Don't under-estimate it.
- What?

- Your magic touch with the ladies.
- Well, nothing we can do about that, is there?

You dumped on your wife. You owe money
to everybody, including Charlie Gimbert.

- Was it him you were running away from?
- Charlie? No, not Charlie.

- They sent the boys round.
- What did they do to her?

Nothing, but she's frightened. I think she
deserves a little respect, a little dignity.

Don't you?

OK.

So, what's the deal?

It's very simple.

The deal is this.

I sell the geese, I take care of Maureen
and Gimbert, and you disappear again.

- Are you having a thing with my wife?
- Don't be ridiculous. This is compassion.

- Look, if you sell the geese, I've got nothing.
- Between you and the deep blue sea?

- You know what it's like in this business.
- Indeed, I do. What about the stewardess?

Look, I was always
going to come clean with Maureen.

You can tell her you found me. Tell her
I'm all right and tell her not to worry.

- Tell her yourself.
- Look, they're my geese.

- They're my damn geese you're thieving.
- Gimbert was right. You are a toerag.

You have no class. No class whatsoever.

It's all right, madam,
the heating's fine now. Have a nice day.

Will you get yourself dry...
dressed? Now.

Look, listen, Lovejoy.
You've got the geese, fair game.

But have you got anyone
who wants to buy 'em?

I've got a geezer in Brussels who's willing
to pay a price you wouldn't even dream of.

Now, here's the deal.
We split the commission 50/50.

Get the geese to me,
a couple of days, I've got it sewn up.

- De Hont.
- What?

- De Hont.
- What are you saying "De Hont" for?

De Hont. I'll be in touch.

De Hont?

You owe me a fiver.

Beth, has Mrs. Sullivan called about...

- Hello, Charlie.
- Lovejoy!

Just spoken to Charlotte.
She was very bobbish.

Tells me that you had a
committee meeting last night.

Discussing the invites.
All going swimmingly, I gather.

And young Beth here...
I love her leaflet, by the way...

was telling me that the geese are the
property of... Who did you say it was, Beth?

- Mrs. Sullivan.
- A Mrs. Sullivan.

And I understand that you're erm...
looking to sell privately.

Makes absolute sense,
and I know just the man.

A reclusive millionaire
by the name of Tapie.

Arnold Tapie.
Pay anything for a goose, would Tapie.

Lives near Hatfield.
I believe he's expecting you.

- Thank you, Charlie.
- It weren't my fault, cos...

No, it's all right, Beth. You did well.

- Can you get me a sack?
- Oh...

Lovejoy, if this fellow Tapie
wins our obsessive contest,

Charlie gets the commission, he also gets
the money Sullivan owes him from the sale.

Can't have that, can we?

And on a legal point,
who actually owns the geese?

Is it the widow Maureen,
the deceased and now revived Sullivan,

or the creditor Gimbert?

Well, they say possession is nine
tenths of the law, don't they, Tink?

And who has possession?

Where'd you get that?

Borrowed it from a friend.

- Hello?
- Hello.

Good morning.

How are you this beautiful day?

Ooh!

- Never better.
- What about tonight?

Maybe this would be a good time...

Round at eight o'clock.

Yeah.

Mr. Hont, it's Terence.

Yeah. Yes, I tried to contact you
last week, but your assistant...

You do? Good, good.

This evening, six o'clock.

Walloon Strasse...

Walloon Strasse 73, yeah.

Wow! What a weird place!

Why geese?

Not because Mother Goose
was my first pantomime.

Nor because I believe
I was a goose in a former life.

But think on this, my friends.

A maligned creature, which yet plays such an
important part in our language, our culture.

Goose pimples, goose fair, goose bumps,

cooking your goose...

- Goosing your cook.
- And so on and so forth.

You er...
have something for me, Mr. Lovejoy.

Oh!

Oh!

- One of a pair.
- From the Meyer Collection.

Stockholm.

As you say,
from the Meyer Collection in Stockholm.

There's no such thing, Mr. Lovejoy.

I just invented it.

No, you didn't.

No, I didn't.

Just testing.

How did you come by it?

A dead colleague.
Doing our best for his widow.

You have its partner, of course?

Safe and sound, Mr. Tapie.

Yes...

Erm...

- What price are you seeking?
- How much are you offering?

- Three thousand.
- The older the goose, the harder to pluck.

From the Meyer Collection in Stockholm?

- Someone on the Continent's offered us six.
- De Hont!

I shall pay five. Take it or leave it.

Thank you. We'll leave it.

I love the creatures!

I... must have them about me.

When the Gauls invaded Rome,

a single file of soldiers clambered
up the hill to the Capitol so silently

that the first man reached the top
without being challenged. But...

But a gaggle of sacred geese did hear them,

and cackled so loudly
they woke the entire garrison.

Marcus Manlius dashed to the wall
and hurled a man into the precipice.

To commemorate this saving of the Empire,

the Romans carried a golden goose
in triumphal procession every year.

I have written a book,
Geese And Their Place In History.

Do you...
You don't know any publishers, do you?

Erm... No, I don't.

I...

I erm... hope you can make it.

What would you do with
your new best friend?

Hello!

Hello?

Stood up? Already?

Mmm.

She's in with Charlie.

Lovejoy!

Come and join us.

Erm... Don't we have a date?

Date? What date?

Now.

- Now?
- Mmm.

What date? Charlie and I were
just talking about the gala.

Just cooling off, Lovejoy.

- I phoned you, hmm?
- Oh, yes, you did.

You went dead on me.
Did you go into a tunnel or something?

Well, can we go? Now?

Charlie's cooking me a Spanish omelet.

- Yes, why don't you join us?
- Yeah, thanks, Charlie.

- How about tomorrow, then?
- Hmm, busy tomorrow.

Then it's the weekend, dog show, gala.

Ah, the simple pleasures of life!

- Huh!
- Oh, don't get heavy on me, Lovejoy.

- Me? Heavy?
- Yes.

Yeah, I mean, one of the things that
attracted me to you was your sense of fun.

- Oh, fun.
- Yes.

Can't we just have fun?

- Just fun, hmm?
- Yeah.

Nothing more. Nothing more?

- Just... Just fun?
- Fun.

Waah!

Hello.

Charlie? If you could transform
all this canine flesh

into carvings, bronzes
and paintings by the old masters,

you'd have a fortune at your fingertips.

Fortune?

Recycling resources.

And Charlie, don't leave this lying around.

Somebody might use it.

- I'm sorry your geese aren't a part of this.
- What do you want with my geese?

They'd help the evening. And your widow.
You might miss the golden egg.

- Lovejoy.
- Just a second, Tink.

Listen, the problem is Charlie.

The widow Maureen's late husband
owed Charlie, right?

And if we sell the geese here tonight,
Charlie cops the lot.

So? Threaten him with Mrs. Normington.

- That's a bit below the belt.
- I don't know about that.

Tink? I think she's just joined the club.

Lovejoy, I think somebody else
has just joined the club.

What's he doing here?

I found out her name is Liedje.

Liedje?

Aha, the walking dead!

No jokes, Lovejoy.
I bring good news for both of us.

Good. Well, spit it out, I've got to
judge the poodles in five minutes.

- Hello, Liedje.
- Hello, Lovejoy.

De Hont is mine.
I've a letter here to prove it.

He'll want to see them before he commits.

- Hmm, what's the price?
- Nine grand. How about that?

- I know a man who'll pay ten.
- Oh, don't be clever, Lovejoy.

As proof of my good intent,
I'm handing over my commission to you.

Nine hundred. How's that for generosity?

You might be interested to know
where I got the geese.

It was actually a house
clearance in Bungay.

More your patch than mine,
but still, God does sometimes provide.

Count it, Lovejoy.

Where'd you get this, Terence?
Liedje's piggybank?

Sorry, can't do it.
They're being sold tonight, Wildlife Gala.

No, listen, Lovejoy!

With what I make on this, I can take
responsibility for my life, clear the debts

and leave Maureen with something to spare.

By all that's holy, I promise this now.

Take it.

Sorry, Terence. If you want them,
you're going to have to come and get them.

And it's evening rugs, by the way.

- With this gala, it'll be a disaster.
- No, you win some, you lose some, Tink.

Mind you, Tapie might turn up
because Beth gave him a leaflet.

Yeah, smart girl, our Beth.

Tapie and Sullivan, head to head.

We're still afloat, Tink.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Felsham Hall
and this very special evening.

In spite of what you see in my hand,
this is not an auction.

You pay only what you see marked up.

And if the prices
seem a little steep here and there,

it's because the Cavendish House is sharing
this evening with a very worthy cause,

Wildlife Action.

A percentage of every sale
goes towards the fund.

Our target is 25,000,

and here, beside us, we have
one of those awful barometer things,

to help us keep abreast of our progress.

And now I'd like to thank in advance

Mr. Charles Gimbert.

- Oh, yes!
- Hear, hear!

Martin, come on.

Give me the nod
the minute anybody shows any interest, OK?

Lovejoy, what if somebody does?

No price tags,
that's strictly contravening the rules.

All for the widow, Tink.
Now, where's Sullivan and where's Tapie?

- No sign of them.
- You've done this for me?

- Anything for you.
- Oh, Lovejoy!

- I'm touched.
- Lovejoy!

Excuse me.

- What the hell are they doing here?
- Don't know.

Must have been another of Beth's leaflets.

Excuse me.

Hello, you two.
I want a word with you, come on.

You too, Malcolm.

Lovejoy, aren't you going to introduce us?

This is Maureen Sullivan.
This is Charlotte Cavendish.

Oh, I am so sorry to
hear about your husband.

- Thank you.
- Malcolm, my dentist.

- Dentist.
- Would you excuse us, Charlotte?

Is he here? Cos I want a word with him.

Just go into the garden and drink
your champagne. I'll see you later.

Go on. Go on.

Lovejoy, is there something going on
that I don't know about?

No, it's just...
It's just the heat, isn't it?

Going awfully well though, isn't it?
Talk about it later, your place.

Am I glad to see you here, Mr. Tapie!

- They have no price on them.
- Hmm?

You know, you... Francis!

- You're right. There is no price on them.
- Ten thousand.

- Have them packed up and sent to my car.
- Ten? I've got a man who'll offer twelve.

Mr. Tapie?

So pleased you could join us.
Ah, the geese.

- Oh, some haggling from this man.
- Haggling?

- That's not what this evening's all about.
- So the charming young lady said.

Gentlemen, this is Wildlife Action.
The young lady said dig deep.

I'll make...

a little contribution. What do you want?

Can't say fairer than that, Lovejoy.

Would you excuse us, Mr. Tapie?

Charlie.

Excuse us. Charlie, we could be onto something
here. This man is seriously deranged.

We can lead him by the nose. I've also got
another customer here, if I can only find him.

- It's against the spirit, Lovejoy.
- Against the spirit?

This room is full of hustlers,
including the king of the breed.

- You?
- I was paying that compliment to you, Charlie.

Oh.

Apparently there is some confusion about this,
which Mr. Lovejoy has to sort out for himself.

Meanwhile, feel free to enjoy yourself.

I believe there are some geese
in that painting just over there.

Try not to mess up, Lovejoy.
I've got to pay for all this.

- Terence, where the hell have you been?
- Changing. What are you up to?

It's time for you and De Hont
to show your true colors.

Ah, Tapie.
This is Arnold Tapie from Hatfield.

This is Terence Sullivan,
representing Monsieur De Hont.

What's going on? This is illegal.

I don't want to get involved
in some cheap auction.

It won't be cheap, I can assure you of
that. Tink. Excuse us a moment, gentlemen.

Now, keep Maureen, her brother,
Charlotte and Gimbert out of here.

- And what's in it for us?
- You still owe me a fiver. Do it.

Gentlemen, on behalf of Wildlife Action...

who'll give me the first bid?

Oh, I say!

Isn't that marvelous?

Drink, Tink?

Now, you are going to tell me
exactly what is going on.

25. It's 25 against you again, sir.
Do I hear 30?

30?

30. 30 against you.

35. Do I hear 35?

Thank you very much. ?35,000 is the bid.

35,000 against you.

40. Do I hear 40? Come on.

Do I hear 40? 40?
40. Thank you very much indeed.

40. 40 against you, Mr. Tapie.

Come on, 45, do I hear 45? 45, yes.
Thank you very much. ?45,000.

The bid is ?45,000.

Mr. Sullivan. 40...

Is that nine?

49?

?49,000.

?49,000 against you, Mr. Tapie.

50?

Thank you very much. ?50,000.

?50,000. Mr. Sullivan? No?

Going once. Going twice.

Sold to Mr. Arnold Tapie for ?50,000.

For a pair of broken-down old geese.

Still, that's what makes horse racing.

Could you make the check out
for ?45,000 to Mrs. Maureen Sullivan,

and 5,000 to me, Lovejoy, in cash?

- Thank you very much.
- I'm not dead, Lovejoy.

I'm here in the living flesh.

These are my geese
and I demand possession of them.

- What's the fine for wasting police time?
- What?

You fell off a boat. You drowned, Terence.

You are dead,
and your wife's in the garden.

- Oh, my God!
- Enjoy the rest of your life.

Can't. Can't hack it any more.

- I haven't the juice for it.
- Only the wigs get younger.

- You owe me, sunshine.
- Get stuffed, Charlie.

Three.

Only one more.

- Thank you.
- Thank you, Lovejoy. Mine, I think.

Where's my ?3,000?

"Come on, you little toerag,
pay up or I'll have to get stern with you."

- Not my writing, Lovejoy.
- It's on your notepaper.

- It's only a copy, Charlie.
- Forgery.

But it'll smell very nasty in the hands of
the doggy set, especially Mrs. Normington.

- Prove it.
- Charlie. Please.

All right, Lovejoy.
Who wants to spoil such a lovely evening?

Thank you so much, Lovejoy.

We've done it!

We've done it!