Lovejoy (1986–1994): Season 5, Episode 1 - Pig in a Poke - full transcript

I know that this time
Lady Luck is on my side.

I really will break the bank.

You're a damn loser, Algie!

You always were and you always will be!

Oh! And enjoy the rest of the weekend.

Psst!

Somehow I don't think
you'll get very far without this.

It's unbelievable.

- God, it's absolutely unbelievable.
- Shh! Don't be so rude!

I hate the lot of you!
Please. Clarissa! Mother!

Ah! Take him away quick.



My roulette system is foolproof.

If only you'd given me one last chance.

- Do you think you can handle a tiger, ma'am?
- Yes, Sergeant.

- I say, Clarissa!
- Sorry, Peter. We're made for each other.

- Known it for yonks. Bye, Mummy darling.
- Bye!

They're very good, aren't they?

Fabulous.

It's getting dark.

It's getting dark!

We'll fly by night.

We'll fly by night!

- It was deliberate!
- That doesn't matter, darling.

- You were both stunning.
- Oh, thanks.

Yeah. They are fabulous.



What are they?

They're 18th-century political satires
by James Gillray.

"La Belle Assembl?e."

Tink, haven't seen this one before.
"The Reception Of The Diplomatique, 1792."

Look at those colors, hey?

I know this one.
Fashionable Contrasts.

Well, what are those two
supposed to be doing?

Those feet are reputed to be
the feet of the Duchess o' York.

Eh?

- And?
- History repeating itself, Eric? Eh?

"More Pigs Than Teats."

- Eric, this is right up your street.
- Mm? What's that supposed to mean?

Well, well, well.

Good old Lovejoy. Feel at home, do we?

Once a divvy.

Never mind the performance.

Never mind us poor amateurs
acting our hearts out.

Just come straight in and have a good
rummage round the set, why don't you?

Anything else you fancy?

Oh, how about the armor? I don't see
the "sold" sticker on that piece.

- It was fiberglass.
- You were out of this world, Janey.

What's that supposed to mean?
You only caught the last five minutes.

I was out getting your desk. Anyway, grace
and talent can be spotted in five seconds.

Hm-hm! And I loved it.

But I don't think you should have gone off with
that copper. You should have married Peter.

I like Peter.

So does the copper.

Jane, Sarah Bernhardt
could not have performed it better.

Oh, thank you, Tinker.

Was she the one in Mad Max?

Caligula The Musical.

The time's perfect for it.
Excuse me.

Aha! The pros.

I can tell.
You've got that look about you. Here.

- This is Bernie, our director. This is Lovejoy.
- Hi.

- Eric and Tinker.
- Pleased to meet you all.

You know, you were the only people out there
tonight with opera glasses and flowers.

Only pros have them. I'm right, aren't I?

Sorry to disappoint you, Bernie,
but these are friends of mine.

- Oh, I see.
- But I thought it was ace.

- I loved every minute of it.
- Oh, thank you very much.

Last time I saw something like that
was on a troop ship going out to Durban.

But I was saying to Lady Jane
that I don't think she should have gone off

- with that copper...
- Where'd you get these prints?

Lovejoy!

I must admit, I'm not really into the theater
myself but I don't mind taking the props back.

Especially if they're Gillrays,
and especially if, with any luck -

well, it's not really luck,
it's called professional acumen -

I'll be carrying them out again
within ten minutes.

The bit in between is
called "doing the deal".

And then the alchemy begins, transmuting
these things into serious money.

Come on, Janey!

Uh, would you like us
to make you an offer, Mr. Murphy?

We'll talk about a price later.

Erm, where did they come from, Mr. Murphy?

Oh, they didn't come from anywhere.
Been in the family for ages.

I think my grandfather got them somewhere.

I like this one.

The Diplomat.

I could have been a diplomat once.
If I'd stuck it.

But you chose this career instead, eh?

He could fairly hit 'em
on the head could old...

- Gillray.
- Gillrie.

Gillray. Do you have anything else
that's old around here, Mr. Murphy?

Er, do you mean as in antique or decrepit?

- As in the former.
- Well, nothing at the moment but I could see.

- Annie's coming to look at the roll-top desk.
- Murphy, do you wanna give us a price?

- Hundred and fifty.
- For the lot?

- Each.
- Oh, no. That's 750.

- Smart boy. Smarter than the rest.
- I was thinking more like 500.

Seven hundred. We take plastic.

We accept all major credit cards!

Ah! I was thinking... cash.

- Six-fifty's my bottom line.
- How about six?

Fifteen hundred quid for the lot,
Howard?!

No, no, no, no, no. I reckon this print
diplomatique is worth 1500 on its own!

Yeah, I know there's a recession on, Howard.
Listen, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna get a member of my staff to wrap
'em up and send them down to you on Red Star

so you can have a look at them.
How's that sound? Good. Talk to you later.

Get a member of staff to wrap 'em up
and send them down to London, eh?

Well, let me just tell you
something, Lovejoy.

This member of staff
isn't a member of your staff.

While I'm on the subject,
I've just schlepped all the way to Ipswich

to a shop that was shut...
Well, "shut", it was bloody derelict!

- I mean, when did you last go there?
- You're very lovely when you're angry.

Eh?

Oh, finally got the desk, I see, Lovejoy.

What, you don't think
we'd let you down, do you, Mrs. Brodie?

What do you think, Janey?
Do you think Bill will like it?

I never know what to get
him for his birthday.

His idea of a good
present is an unusual pig.

Well, it's a lovely piece of furniture.

It's got tons of space and, to be quite
honest, at ?1800 it's not overpriced.

Er, Janey?

It's 2,000.

Now, what's 200 between friends?

Nothing, as long as I
get commission on 2,000.

- Where did you say it came from?
- From a doctor's family in Ipswich.

Yes, and apparently Gladstone used to use
it whenever he went over to visit them.

You know me.
I only want pieces with a true provenance.

Now, they are nice.
Are these the ones you mentioned?

Who are they by?

- Oh, they're by...
- James Gillray, an 18th-century caricaturist.

Well, actually they're
on their way to London, Mrs. Brodie.

Oh, what a pity. I rather like them.

Look at this one of the pigs.
Bill would love that.

"More Pigs Than Teats."
Story of his life, poor man.

These are supposed to be members of the
establishment sucking the state dry, actually.

- Is that a fact?
- Yeah.

Pity. They'd look nice in his study.

Would go well with that wallpaper,
wouldn't you say, Janey?

I'm sure there's a way round it, Mrs. Brodie.
They don't come cheap though, you know.

I mean a nice round figure
for the set of five would be...

two grand.

That is very round, Lovejoy.
Very round indeed.

But then again, I suppose it will only
go on tax if I don't buy something with it.

Oh, look at this one. "The Duchess's Little Shoe
Yielding To The Magnitude Of The Duke's Foot."

Bit rude, isn't it?

I like them. I'll take the lot.
When can you deliver everything?

- Eric?
- About tennish tomorrow morning.

And I suppose you want me
to gift-wrap the desk do you?

Oh! That would be nice.
Pink ribbon and a few balloons?

That would be nice.

Right.

You should have seen this place when we
moved in. Bill's family were real peasants.

They'd been living here for 300 years

and I don't think they'd given it
a coat of paint once in all that time.

There was so much damp in the parlor -
sorry, lounge -

even the furniture had got athlete's foot.

Oh, that looks fantastic. He'll love that.

Perhaps I should hide inside it
wearing something thin

like one of those exploding birthday cakes.

Then again, knowing me,
I'd probably get cramp or something.

Now, the pictures.

Eric, could you offer the feet up over by the
door here? Lovejoy, come and have a look.

Try it over on the big wall over there.

- Eric, try two up there side by side.
- Eh?

That's an idea.
Take the other one down first though.

Eric...

Could try them
on either side of the mirror, you know.

Bit high up, do you not think?

- Hello?
- Yes, that's lovely. I'd like them there.

- Could you hang them?
- Right!

Bill! This is Lovejoy and Eric.

Janey you already know.

This is my husband.

He is the most successful pig breeder
in the whole of Essex. Bill Brodie.

Not Brodie's Bacon and Bangers?

I know 'em well! Cos my dad
used to be a butcher. Sold nothin' else.

Cos that's how I nearly
became a vegetarian, you know.

- Cos I mean all that dead flesh around...
- Eric! Just go and get your toolbox, will you?

Sorry.

Erm, I'm sorry but you can't go in there
until tomorrow morning,

unless you want to spoil a
surprise, that is.

You really smell! Do you know that?

It's not a smell, it's a discretionary
fragrance! Comes from working with pigs!

Oh, hello! What have we got here?

Ah. Political satires by Gillray.
All around 1790.

Satires, eh? Well, that's a new one. It's
getting to be a bit like a museum around here.

We'll be needing a catalogue soon.

Not exactly my field of expertise.

Ah! Although, this one could be.

"More Pigs Than Teats...

"or The New Litter Of Hungry Grunters
Sucking John Bull's Old Sow To Death."

Now, she'd be either a Black Berkshire or a
Large White. But who are all these fellas?

Oh, members of the establishment
sucking the state dry.

Hm! Nothing new under the sun, is there?

Well, they sound expensive.
How much are they?

They were...

Two grand for the set of five.

- Really? They are genuine, I take it?
- Darling!

Well, even I have been known
to buy a pig in a poke from time to time.

- Pig in a poke!
- No, they're genuine, Bill.

And I don't think you have
to worry about Gillray losing his value,

- if that's what you mean.
- Ooh!

Looks like one of them just did.

- 'Scuse us, eh?
- Ow!

- Eric, you stupid, clumsy...
- Me foot went down the back of the sofa!

Oh, watch it! It's stuck! Ow! Ooh!

Oh, look at that! I thought they were
only supposed to be printed on one side.

- What, something on the other side?
- Hm. "Black Dick Turned Tailor."

Dated 1788.

And 1787 on this side.

Well, Bill, seems there's a discrepancy
over dates in the House of Gillray.

You see? They're duff! Wouldn't be the first
time we've had dodgy antiques around here.

Oh, no, they're not duff.

But you might be getting
two for the price of one.

- Now we couldn't have that, could we?
- The feeling's mutual, Lovejoy.

- Think we need a second opinion.
- Oh, I'm terribly sorry about the mess.

But Eric, being one of the
finest restorers in the known world...

Will stay behind and restore this room
to its previous pristine condition.

- Won't you, Eric?
- Course he will.

- Course he will.
- Ha! Course I will.

Do you think we've been ripped off?

Well, not knowingly, no.
But I'd like Howard to take a look at them.

Fancy a spot of lunch in London, madam?

Thank you, chauffeur.

"Finest restorer in the known world!"

"Restore it to its original
pristine condition!"

Yeah, well one of these days
I'm gonna show 'em!

- How are you getting on?
- Oh, fine! Fine!

Nearly restored to its former glory!

Oh, is this it?

No! I told you what it looked like.

Are you sure it was a man?

Tinker, I think I can identify
the bits that stick out.

Oh, and there was
a number on the bottom, 6942.

By the way, where were you yesterday when
I was lugging furniture about on me own?

I was at the chiropodist.

- Chiropodist?
- Yes, having my lumps done.

A present from the British Army.

The sergeant says "If I say those
boots fit, those boots fit!"

Hey!

Is that it?

That's it! That is it!

That's what was in the black bin liner

and it's nicked
and that's why it was under the sofa.

I knew it all along.

Ha! What do you think the reward is?

Seventeenth-century Venetian,

possibly a Bacchus.
Must be quite substantial.

They wouldn't take a quarter-page ad in the
Gazette otherwise. I'd say one to two thousand.

- Two thousand reward! Oh, yes! That'll do me!
- Hang on!

Jane decorated the Brodie house
almost from top to bottom.

Before you start grassing anybody up,
you better have a talk with Lovejoy.

You see this one? Wouski.

She's a character from an opera
by Colman called Inkle And Yarico.

This is Prince William Henry.
He was in the Navy.

This one is supposed to be the origin of that
joke about doing it standing up in a hammock.

I bet it wasn't funny then either.

Yes, well.

The plates are certainly by Gillray but they're
all from what's called the Bohn Edition.

They're from the original plates
but they're not first editions.

- And how were we to know that?
- Well, there's quite a simple test.

You look for Bohn's plate number
which he had engraved himself

right here in the top corner.
These numbers never appear in the originals

but if the frame or the mount
covers the number... you'll never spot it.

See?

You can still read it. "311."

Some dealers rub them out with fine sandpaper
but then the paints soaks in slightly darker.

How much would you say for them, then?

Well, they're nicely colored but...

if you paid more than 400 you were robbed.

Shh!

Tell you what.

I'll give 150 for the Duchess of York's feet.
Pub on the corner's always asking me for one.

Oh, thank you, Howard,
but I already have a buyer.

I was merely seeking a second opinion.

Sorry, there's nobody here at the moment.

If you'd like to leave your message,
name and number after the tone

we'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Erm... Hello, I'm ringing about the erm...

stolen Bacchus in last
month's Gazette. Er...

I might have seen it, erm...

The one I saw had the number 6942
on the bottom

and I believe there's a reward. Erm...

So, anyway, my number is 0787...

Er, 37... 6623.

And, er...

Oh! No! Er... Sh... Oh!

Sugar! Damn!

- Do you know what day it is today?
- It's not your birthday... is it?

It's my wedding anniversary.

Listen to this, it's rather touching.

"Far be the noise of
kings and crowns from us

"Whose gentle souls our kinder fates
have steered another way

"Free as the forest
birds we'll pair together

"Without remembering who our fathers were

"And in soft murmurs interchange our souls"

- Isn't that beautiful, Lovejoy?
- Hm.

Lovejoy?

Hm?

- Lovejoy, the lights are green!
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Can you get it, Lovejoy?

Yeah!

Ooh! Cor! Phew!

Why is it that people who live in big
houses never keep the central heating on?

Oh-oh-oh-oh!
It's Mc-Mc-Mc-Mc, uh...

- Mc-Mc...
- Inspector McDonald.

Inspector McDonald.
'Scuse me, Inspector McDonald.

- Come for breakfast, have you?
- No thank you, Lovejoy.

No? Finest English breakfast tea
out of the finest Derby china.

Low-fat milk, essential if you want to keep
that fabulous figure of yours, Inspector.

No thanks.

- No? You haven't come for breakfast?
- No.

Yesterday we registered
a call from the Felsham estate.

Now, where were you yesterday, Lovejoy?

Yesterday he was in London.
All day. With me.

- Good morning, Inspector.
- Good morning, Lady Felsham.

Coffee, Inspector?

0h, hello. I'm ringing about the stolen
Bacchus in last month's Gazette, erm...

I think I might have seen it, erm...

The one I saw had the number 6942
on the bottom and er...

I believe there's a reward.

Erm...

Well, my number is, er, 0787...

37... 6623.

So, erm... Ah! Oh! No! Er... Ah!

So, what have you got to say about that?

I think you'll agree that I'm more of a baritone
than a tenor and my accent's a little less rural.

And also, in tracing that call back here,
haven't you infringed Lady Felsham's...

- Civil liberties.
- Civil liberties?

I work for the police force,
not Amnesty International.

And if you've got this thing
or you know anything about it,

erm, it would be in your own interests
to hand it over or to tell me about it.

I haven't got the faintest idea what you're
talking about, but what does interest me

is why the cattle-prod treatment about some
Bacchus with a number stamped on its bum?

Oh, dear. And I thought
that we could handle this amicably.

- Handle what?
- That's a search warrant,

sworn by a magistrate
in Chelmsford this morning,

and it authorizes me
to search the premises for stolen property.

This is for Felsham Interiors, not here.

It's all right, Lady Felsham,
I do know where it is.

She was expecting Chippendale
and a bunch of half-naked men turned up.

Doing a little freelance
bounty hunting, are we, Eric?

The police got a call from my phone
about a stolen Bacchus.

Well, I can explain, Jane.
I can explain everything.

I believe there's a reward.

My number is 078737...

6623.

Ah! Ooh! No! Erm...

Yeah, but...

What's the matter, Eric?

Don't you want to share the secret with us?
Aren't we friends?

I tried to phone you but you were off
to London as if it was closing down.

I'm sorry I phoned.

- So where is this famous stolen Bacchus?
- Under your bed?

Well, it's under the sofa
at Brodie's house, actually.

What?

- Jane! Lovejoy.
- Bill.

Gotta wean them off their mother sometime.
Now's as good a time as any.

Oh, aren't they pretty? All pink and soft.

Great future they've got. They're a
sausage with a leg at each corner.

Not a vegetarian, are you?

- Well, I'm a sort of a pseudo-vegetarian.
- What does that mean?

I only eat animals that eat vegetables.

- So what brings you up here?
- We were looking for Annie.

- Thought you might know where she is?
- Knowing Annie,

- she's probably out buying something.
- Do you ever see this before?

No, never.

Eric says it's under your sofa
in a black plastic bin liner.

Well, what was your man doing
poking around underneath my sofa?

You'll be telling me
what's in the drawers next!

Actually, he was clearing up
the glass from the broken picture.

Right, right. Well, there's only
one way to find out what this is about.

It's Venetian, 17th century and the number
on the base looks like a catalogue number.

Yeah, could have come out of a museum.

Feet first.

Well, I've never seen it
before in my life.

- How much is it worth?
- Between 15 and 20 grand.

Between 15 and 20 gra...

Well, then it's definitely stolen!

Right. That's it!

This is all I need!

I don't mind Annie buying
a few bits and pieces for the farm

but I draw the line at having
a house full of stolen property!

The desk is all right, is it? It didn't happen to
fall off the back of a furniture lorry, did it?

Now, hang on a minute, Bill.

- I hope you're not implying...
- I'm not implying anything at all!

- We won't talk about it until it's sorted, right?
- I'm sure there's a simple explanation.

Well, we'll just have to find
out, won't we?

Excuse me a minute, will you?

- I don't think he's handling it very well.
- Well, what would you tell your spouse

if you just found 20 grand's worth
of nicked gear stuffed under your sofa?

I don't believe you did this, Annie.
Come on. In here.

Tell them.
Go on, tell them what you told me.

Hello, Lovejoy, Janey.

Annie.

Look, I'm sorry about all this.

I really do apologize
about the police turning up and all that.

Tell them. Come on.
Tell them why you stuck it under the sofa.

I saw the same picture
in the Gazette last month.

I didn't know what to do.

I suppose I thought that if I stuck it
under the sofa it would somehow go away.

Why didn't you phone the number
for the reward?

I didn't want to get involved with any of
that. I just wanted to forget about it.

Would you tell us how much you paid for it?

Six hundred.

And would you tell us
who you bought it from?

A man called... Rollo.

Rollo?

Well?

Come on, Lovejoy. Play the game.

It's not a game, Rollo. How much
did you sell it to Mrs. Brodie for?

- Six hundred quid.
- Six hundred quid?

- It's worth 30 times that much.
- I was bloody lucky to get six.

This thing is mega-bent gear, Lovejoy.

If the Old Bill had found out when they
turned my place over I wouldn't be on remand.

I'd be doing ten in Dartmoor.

So why's it so hot?

You mean, you don't know?

Lovejoy, this thing is hotter than the chicken
Chernobyl down the local curry house!

Why?

You remember
an exhibition of bronze sculpture

sponsored by the Italian government
in Cambridge last year?

Yeah.

Well, most of the stuff
was on loan from all over the world.

Here, you remember Rachel?

- Rachel?
- You know who I mean.

Long black hair.

- Tattoo of King Kong on her bum.
- Oh, yeah.

Well, she goes to the exhibition
with a skinful of high-octane lager,

picks it up and walks out with it.
Just like that!

- Just like that? Never read anything about it.
- Well, you wouldn't, would you?

It was all hushed up. Big press blackout.

Red faces up in Cambridge
like baboons' arses, I can tell you!

Local Old Bill's been walking around
like they got fleas ever since.

So she flogged it to you, eh?

Flogged it? You're joking!

She forced it on me, she did.

She's always forcing things on people.

She's like that. Forced, it was!

Why did she force it on you?

Well, she got frightened when she found out

who it was on loan from.

So who was it on loan from?

A woman.

What woman?

Well, she's got a lovely
collection of jewelry,

big house in London, husband's Greek,

and she's just started
to pay her own taxes.

The Queen?!

Oh, God, it belongs to the Queen?

This is terrible, this is absolutely awful.

If ever this gets out, we're finished,
we're done for.

Just about does it. That's all we need.

If ever there's one whisper of this

he will never get his knighthood
for services to the pig industry.

This is the end.

I'm sorry, Bill. Why, oh why did I buy
the damn thing? I don't even like it.

Do you want to tell them or shall I?

Tell us what?

Well...

Because of security,
no one's supposed to know about this.

Outside a very small circle.

Know about what?

Next week at the piggery we're playing host
to some very important people.

The Lord Lieutenant, lots of top brass,
the ministry people and...

Yes, you've got it.
Can you imagine it?

Yes, Your Majesty. This is my prize boar.
It's just on its way to Canada.

Oh! By the way,
do you remember that bronze Bacchus

that used to stand on the mantelpiece at the
palace? Well, it doesn't belong to you anymore.

Perhaps you'd like
to speak to my ex-wife about it

before they cart her
off to Holloway prison!

I've said I'm sorry, Bill.
Anyone can make a mistake.

I think you're exaggerating, Bill.
We won't say a word, we promise.

Exaggerating? But you're a titled lady,
you must know how touchy they all are

about being associated with
anything even remotely criminal!

Even a whisper about this and we can kiss this
visit goodbye! In fact I can stick my head

- between my legs and kiss my arse...
- Bill! You are overreacting.

Nobody even knows
the damn thing's here but us.

What would you do,
Lovejoy, if it was yours?

I'd probably go for the reward. There's bound
to be a couple of grand floating around.

Then I tell you what,
why don't you return it for us?

Hold on, hold on.
An inspector woman's been sniffing around.

She's sure I've got it
stashed away somewhere.

There must be something we can do, Lovejoy.

Yeah. I think there's a solution
that benefits everyone.

- Go on.
- The Gillray prints.

But you took them away because
there was something iffy about them.

No, there's nothing iffy about them, they're
just 150 years old, not 200 years old.

- Give me two-and-a-half grand for them.
- But you said they were two grand!

- Bill, let him finish.
- Thank you, Annie.

For two-and-a-half grand you get the prints,
I return the Bacchus to its rightful owner.

- Two-and-a-half. I don't know.
- Bill, two-and-a-half is fine.

And then we're rid of it.

All right. As long as I never
see or hear about it again!

Lovejoy, Janey!

Um, here's a Brodie's ham for you.
Thanks very much.

Oh, thank you, Annie.

It was made
by Alfredo Zampa from Venice in 1620

and was part of war booty from a captured
French frigate in the Battle of the Nile.

If you put a shade on it
it'd make a nice lamp, I suppose.

No, what is really interesting about it

is it was dropped overboard
as it was being carried ashore at Chatham

and it took ten tides
to rediscover it from the Thames mud.

Queen Charlotte,
who was married to George III,

was present at the recovery operation
when it was brought to the surface.

It was presented to her by the ship's captain.
It's been with the royal collection ever since.

And now they want it back.

I declare this think-tank open.

Any suggestions?

- We could just post it.
- Oh, don't be daft!

I can't see why we can't just
put it in a padded envelope and post it!

- Don't be daft.
- What about the reward money?

That's covered. Just gotta find
a way of getting it back to the palace.

Haven't you come up with anything yet?

Well, I said we should just post it.

Eric... that is a brilliant idea.

Why didn't you think of that?

Oh, excuse me, why don't we take a vote
on it? All those in favor of posting it?

Post it. One bronze Bacchus,
recorded delivery from Chelmsford.

On your bike, Eric.

- Hold on a minute, why me?
- Your idea.

Ah! Could you tell me the way to
the main post office please, mate?

- About 500 yards...
- Sorry, mate. I can't hear you.

- On your left, about 500...
- Hoy! Hoy! Hey!

Somebody's nicked the Harley?

Well, I think that solves
everyone's problem.

Well, we don't have to return
you-know-what to you-know-who.

Never mind you-know-who's you-know-what,
I've had my bike nicked.

Well, thanks a bunch, Lovejoy!

Selfish git!

Now, look, this is my number. Now, if you
see or hear anything give us a bell, yeah?

- Will do.
- Cheers.

I'd like to report the theft
of my Harley-Davidson motorcycle.

Oi! Not on the desk!

You'd like to report
the theft of your motorcycle?

Yes.

Won't take a second.

Now, let me see.
I think we've got some forms somewhere.

Quite a popular pastime
in some districts...

What's this doing here? ...driving
off with other people's property.

Man in Thuxton lost his horse recently.

Turned up in Paris.

In three different butchers' shops.

- Would you like me to come back tomorrow?
- No, no. Want to start at the beginning?

Ah. Here we are.

Name, telephone number and address.

Got a pen?

Eric Catchpole.

Catch... pole.

- Eric.
- Eric!

- 0787...
- 0787...

3766... 23.

- Haven't I heard that voice somewhere before?
- Who, me?

Well, my number is, er, 0787...

376623.

So, erm... Ah! 0h! No! Er... Ah!

Yeah, no, but... You see...

No, that's not me.

- I don't sound anything like that.
- Oh, don't be silly! Of course it's you!

Now, come on, Eric.
Where did you see this Bacchus thing?

- What Bacchus?
- Please, Eric, don't waste my time.

- Where did you see it?
- Are you arresting me or what?

Right now we're still at the "or what" stage
but you've got about another ten minutes.

All right, all right.
I thought I saw it but I was mistaken.

But, Eric, you gave us the number
that was on the base of the statue.

But that number, that's just a coincidence.

No, the number was correct.

But the one I saw wasn't a Bacchus.

Then who was it?

Pan. He was holding pipes.
Not fruit, pipes.

Pan is the patron saint of
plumbers, you know.

Oh, so it's just an open-and-shut case
of getting your deities mixed up, eh, Eric?

That's right.

- Why were you going to Chelmsford?
- I told you, cos I was going to the post office.

But, you see, there's a perfectly good
post office just around the corner.

Now, why didn't you go there?

Because I'd heard
it was quicker from Chelmsford.

You could get it
straight on the train to London.

And what were you sending to London
that you couldn't send from here?

Perishables.

Er... Microwave meals.

Shepherd's pie. Er...
You know, for the TV appeal.

Oh!

Oh, leave it. I'll get the rope.

Papa-Zulu-Mike to EP. Over. We've
recovered this stolen Harley on the B184.

The owner's a man called Catchpole.

If you give him a call,
the tow-truck boys will deliver it.

Ugly old bats, aren't they?

And to think they used to be the cream...

of 18th-century London society.

Yeah, look a bit off to me.

It's the police.

Hello? Yes, that's right.

Oh, you've recovered the Harley-Davidson
and you can have it delivered here?

- How much?
- For how much?

The breakdown people want 30 quid.

Ask them if it's still in one piece. The lad'll
kill himself if anything's happened to it.

Is it still in one pi...

The front mudguard is slightly damaged

but the tools and the parcel
are still in the saddlebag.

They haven't even nicked the Bacchus?
Even thieves are useless these days.

Tell them to bring it round.

- Here we go!
- Oh, thanks.

- Here, you still got my pen?
- Oh, yeah!

They found your bike an' all.

Right. Well, where is it? How is it? Those
beggars haven't totally totaled it, have they?

No, not at all.

They didn't even steal your tools. Even
your parcel's still in the pannier bag.

Oh, what a relief!

We'd better go and see if those shepherd's
pies are still worth sending, hadn't we?

Sergeant! Where's the bike now?
Is it in the yard?

No, they've taken it to
Lady Felsham's estate.

Yeah, thanks, mate.

You know, Tink...

seems a shame to let
all this good reward money go begging.

I mean, this thing turning up like
this, it's... It's an omen.

- You mean a sign, man.
- Mm.

Lovejoy, you gave your word
you'd send it back, no questions asked.

Mr. And Mrs.
Brodie have already paid you once.

Nothing in the deal says I can't pick up an
extra couple of grand. I'd be a schmuck not to.

- Good afternoon.
- Hello, Jane.

Oh, no! I thought we'd seen the
back of that! What's it doing here?

Eric didn't quite make it, Janey.

He was set upon by bicycle thieves
on his way to Chelmsford.

I'm in a terrible hurry. I was
supposed to be at the Wiltons at three.

Give it here.
I'll get rid of it once and for all.

Now, where's that smoked ham?

Oh, yes, very appropriate.
See you tomorrow.

By the way, Bill Brodie wants you to hang the
pigs print up at his office in the piggeries.

Dress smartish. You never know
who you might bump into. Bye.

Well, easy come...

easy go.

My baby! My baby! What have they done
to you? Where have they hurt you?

You see what happens when you separate
a lad and his Harley, Inspector?

What can we do for you?

I have reason to believe that somewhere here
there is a 17th-century bronze Bacchus,

which is the lawful property
of Her Majesty the Queen.

And I intend to search these premises
until I find it.

Well, must be nice
to have your bike back, eh, Eric?

- Oh, fantastic.
- You owe me 30 quid.

Right. Eh?!

Hang on, hang on.
What's goin' on here?

Get in there and look inside.

Don't just kneel there!

Get in and check it out!

Lovely.

Lovejoy, did you...

manage to get rid of it?

After one false start, it should be safely
on its way to the palace by now.

- May I say how elegant you look, Annie?
- That's very kind of you.

You'd better hurry up. They'll be here in a
couple of minutes and we have to be presented.

Oh, we are very grateful to you, Lovejoy. I
couldn't have had Bill miss this for anything.

If it's not too much to ask,
what are you two doing here?

At Mr. Brodie's request, hanging a picture,
officer, I presume?

Yes, it is.

And I'll hang you if
you're not out right away.

You're not supposed to be here.
You haven't been cleared.

Come on. Out.

Well, this is no good, Lovejoy. It's
plasterboard. We'll have the whole lot down.

Oi, cloth ears. You've got 20
seconds then outside that door.

- Right?
- Right.

Right.

Right.

Can't we stick around, Lovejoy?
I've never seen the Queen before.

We'll be stuck to that wall if
Godzilla comes back and finds us here.

Don't be a spoilsport, Lovejoy.

It'd be summat to tell my
grandchildren, wouldn't it?

- No, it's...
- Eric! Will you get down from there?

- But I haven't finished yet!
- I have. I'm going.

I'm going.

What?

Not a sound.

Not a squeak. Not a fart.

Otherwise, you are parrot food. Understood?

Good.

Yes, ma'am, we're exporting to Canada
and, more recently, France,

and we've been getting
a lot of enquiries from the Far East,

particularly Japan. Perhaps you'd like
to step this way, ma'am, please.

Ah, there you are.

Your friend McDonald's working the crowd.

Hello, Alistair.

Stand by, all units.

OK, go! Go!

Ah! Do you mind
if I have a look in the bag, Major?

- Erm, go ahead. Help yourself.
- Thank you.

It's a gift to the Lord Lieutenant. Absolutely
loves a bit of ham with his free-range eggs.

Oh!

Oh, I'm terribly sorry!

- Thank you.
- Thank you. Thank you, boys.

Much obliged. Thank you.

Inspector.

Seen Eric anywhere?

Nearly over, Annie. Keep smiling.

Well, am I glad that's over.

If I ever have another day like that
I'm gonna have it shot and stuffed.

Come on, I need a drink.
Come on! Anyone fancy a drink?

Step inside!

Ladies.

Do you like working with pigs?

Janey, so tell me,
what did you do with it?

Alistair took me to dinner last night
so I gave it to him

and he said he'd give it to one of
the ladies-in-waiting that he knows.

We have been given something
which is too valuable for money to buy.

And it's not even antique. I just had to
have it framed. Want to guess what it is?

An income tax rebate?

"The Lord Chamberlain is commanded by Her
Majesty to invite Mr. And Mrs. William Brodie

"to a garden party at Buckingham Palace
on Thursday the ninth of July."

- Bravo!
- Isn't that something?

But then I expect
you get them all of the time.

Not... all the time.

Oh, there you are, Eric!

Hm? Hm? Is she here, then?

Nah! She's been and gone.

Oh, no!