Lovejoy (1986–1994): Season 3, Episode 7 - Scotch on the Rocks - full transcript
Vicky finds a Scots claymore in the attic of her new flat which Lovejoy buys from her. He is approached by a man named Kinloch who offers him a more than generous price for it,claiming a family connection, and, when a suspicious Lovejoy refuses,the sword becomes the subject of a bungled burglary. Lovejoy is intrigued and finds out that the sword provides the key to a cache of French gold buried in the ground. Ironically Tartan Transactions,a controversial firm in which Kinloch has an interest,has just built a supermarket over it and retrieval seems unlikely.
Do you ever get one of those days
when everything makes sense?
Tinker's working, Eric's trying to.
Freddie the Phone hasn't raised the rent -
he's not even thinking
of risking a homecoming.
How do you spell satin - one T or two?
Mm?
As in satinwood inlaid marquetry,
circa 1850.
Oh, the tripod table. One T.
You know how to spell marquetry, do you?
Of course I do.
Oh, and add probably by
Samuel Parnaby of Sandwich, Kent.
No, make that possibly.
- Samuel Parnaby, I've never heard of him.
- Neither have I.
- Sounds right, doesn't it?
- Want this on the trailer, Lovejoy?
Mm-hm, everything's gotta go
to the West End showroom.
What, you mean Vicki's flat?
Voicing their protest at the Department
of the Environment's decision last month,
to allow development
on a greenfield site near the M1,
which is not only a site
of special scientific importance,
but also involves the demolition
of a derelict 17th-century manor house -
Hawspring St. Mary.
The developers, Tartan Transglobe plc,
it is claimed,
have ignored the wishes of the local
council and the local member of parliament.
Today, the development
officially gets under way,
and the concerned parties
will be staging a protest...
Save our village, save our village,
save our village, save our village,
save our village, save our village,
save our village, save our village.
Are you all right, love?
What happened?
Did anybody see what happened?
Save our village, save our village,
save our village, save our village.
Save our village, save our village,
save our village...
On behalf of Tartan Transglobe plc,
I'd like to introduce
Mr. Charles Montrose, MP, our chairman.
We're talking the future here.
We're talking enterprise.
We're talking energy,
ideas, self-expression.
Above all,
we're building on our heritage -
the heritage of a great nation
looking to the future, not to the past.
Looking to the future and the 21st century
with pride and optimism.
Right.
Hanratty's.
It's nice to be back in Hanratty's.
Not that you could call old Ratty
a specialist exactly,
but he always comes up with something
interesting in the edged weapons line.
This, for example.
I know, it's not my cup of tea
but... I'm on a commission,
and a percentage is a percentage.
Have you got my coffee?
Weird! Chetwood's gonna love this.
Ah, no, you've got my coffee.
- Tastes like tea anyway, Eric.
- They're all coffees.
Tastes like gravy.
Have you checked the lights
on the Harley yet?
- I'll get round to it, don't worry.
- Yeah.
Against you, sir. Shall we say 100?
120.
George III.
What's all this engraving?
It's a commemorative piece, isn't it. 1750s.
The blade's a Solingen, it could be earlier.
That's the Solingen running wolf.
It says here "Fine basket sword,
1.25m, about 1760.
Unusual orb-shaped basket with
conventional loop guard plus quillons...
whatever they are.
Engraved "Souv le QC" on blade.
It's lot 161 all right.
What budget did Chetwood give you?
Up to 900 quid. I've never seen a guard
with quillons like that before - have you?
- Chetters'll love this.
- Thank you, sir.
Adores getting his teeth into a mystery.
What is a quillon, by the way
when it's at home?
Hello!
- What?
- Gently Bentley.
He got those Venetian stilettos earlier on.
Yes, but he stayed for this.
Right, lot 161, a fine 18th-century
commemorative basket guard claymore.
Let's see what Bentley does.
Who'll start me off at 200?
Come along, ladies and gentlemen,
this sword's worth far more than £200.
No?
Oh, well, I shall sell it for 200, then.
300, thank you, madam.
400.
500.
- Who is she?
- Can't see.
With the lady, then -
are we all done at 500?
Six, thank you, sir.
And 50.
Seven, thank you, sir.
Against you, madam.
Seven it is.
Lovejoy.
Which lot are they at?
They've just done 163.
If you found the sword at the flat,
why the hell didn't you bring it to me?
- This is the correct place to bring it?
- I didn't say that it isn't.
Crap furniture and good weapons.
Genuine collectors' house, Hanratty's,
you always told me.
And you bid me up.
I didn't see you.
Nobody bids only once anyway.
Who told me that, huh?
Perhaps I should change me aftershave.
- Excuse me, sir.
- Yeah.
The claymore, would you mind
if I were to look at it?
No, no, come with me. Vicki, Eric,
show this man the sword, will you.
Vicki, we're coming to
the flat this afternoon.
- My place?
- We're gonna drop some stuff off.
You know, the table and things,
and yes, I did remember to call her.
- Right, Vicki?
- Well...
I wonder... May I have a word?
Yeah.
My name is Kinloch.
- Lovejoy.
- Catchpole.
This is a commemorative piece.
"Souv le QC". You find that on a few
of them. Souviens le quarante-cinq -
remember the '45.
1745.
The '45.
I remember doing that.
You're looking very smart, Tinker.
Regimental reunion, young ma'am.
Charles Edward Stuart, as you say.
Charles III of England as he might've been.
- So this commemorates what - a disaster?
- Not for Charles it wasn't.
He had England scared witless.
He was a hero in Europe.
Quite right, young lady. In Paris he was féted.
He was the toast of France despite his defeat.
The fact is, sir, that this particular claymore,
I believe has connections with my family.
Well... it's more than a belief.
You see the capital O
with the smaller O beside?
Mm-hm.
My family are the Kinlochs of Lochs Olloch.
There are two Lochs Olloch -
the big sea loch and the little
freshwater loch, hence the two O's.
It's a mark on all the family silver.
I imagine you gave
nearly a thousand pounds for this.
I'd be prepared to give you 5,000.
Just a moment.
It's a very desirable lot, this one.
Now, I have £600.
Five grand starts me wondering.
Hello, Gently.
You bought that damn thing, did you?
Commission.
Yeah.
Well, fools abound,
as my old Aunt Dolly used to declare.
Only a commemorative piece, you know.
What would you do
if you were offered two grand for it?
What?
Let's have a look at it.
I don't get it.
Solingen blade,
but no other maker's stamp on it.
He, er...
- He says it was made for his family.
- Probably was.
Do you know him?
No.
Is he a dealer?
Doubt it.
Looks as if you've struck lucky, Lovejoy.
Grab your two grand and run. I should.
Hmm.
- Thank you, Bentley.
- Mm.
Well, you know me.
Gonna hang on to it.
I just want to feel a bit freer, you know?
I think that's what it is.
Oh, yes, of course. Thank you.
But don't expect miracles.
Are you sure you can afford to buy it?
I've worked it out quite carefully.
Dad got it dirt cheap from some fence
who's retired to Malaga - Albie something.
I would've thought I was doing him a favor.
Well, yes, quite.
You will tread gently, though, won't you?
He feels very guilty about you.
I suppose that's why he bought you the flat
in the first place, don't you think?
He doesn't have to feel guilty.
I mean, it's not his fault
that my mum's a prize cow, is it?
- Hi, Dad.
- Hello, darling, how are you?
I've just been helping Jane to plan
her interior decor stuff on my computer.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Hello, Vicki.
- Hi, Eric.
Eric, start unloading that, would you, and be
careful of that table, Tinker's in love with it.
- Now, Dad...
- What?
Uh, Dad...
What the hell?
I've been careful with them.
I just don't really want them here.
What do you mean, you don't want them,
they're beautiful, some of my finest pieces.
I was beginning to feel like
your London showroom.
You are my London showroom.
What the hell's going on, Jane?
This is the pack I've been designing.
It's for a perfume.
- I haven't named it yet.
- You getting paid for this?
- Got a few ideas for the bottle.
- Are you getting paid for this?
- In a way.
- In what way?
That the real stuff?
What's going on here?
Are you going to drink
this champagne or not?
I think Vicki's trying to tell you
she's got a job.
She already had a job,
running my London showroom.
No, a proper job.
Flexi-hours, a personal pension scheme.
A pension, wow, good for you -
what about me?
And money.
Money...
and a pension -
wow!
I'm a sales executive.
I'm just above a most junior salesperson.
- I can wear a suit.
- Oh!
She's got something else to tell you.
The check's the deposit,
and the rest is a standing order.
What?
I'm paying you back for the deposit,
I want to buy the flat.
- Properly buy it.
- It's already yours.
Well, I'm paying you back for it, then.
The deposit and everything.
I bought it for you.
I don't want this.
Dad, I want to be independent.
- She doesn't feel it's hers.
- I feel it's hers.
Oh, I see.
This could obviously go on for some time.
Look, she's very determined -
why don't you just give in
with a good grace?
- Dad, you must be broke. You always are.
- I am not broke
and I do not want your money.
- You've never refused money in your life!
- If you want to throw your money around,
I suggest you find a charity,
but I don't think I
qualify for that just yet.
Didn't you tell me
you found the sword in this flat?
That means I bought back my own sword.
- I'll give you the money for it.
- I don't want the money for it!
Oh, my God!
What's all this lot doing here?
It's all going out.
Lovejoy, give it to me in a word.
Is the stuff that's in going out
or is the stuff that's out coming in?
- In a word, Eric - in.
- Out.
Make up your mind, somebody.
- Shut up, Eric.
- Dad, it's only money.
She's been very loyal to you, Lovejoy.
That's very nice, Lady Jane,
I only came in to try and help.
- Do you want the stuff out or what?
- Oh, shut up, Eric.
She even said
her mother was a pain in...
Well, I didn't tell her,
it almost certainly was.
- Was what?
- His fault she was.
His fault she was what?
Oh, never mind!
Do you ever have one of those days
when you feel nothing makes sense?
You buy a sword from your daughter
at a price that's over the odds
even though she found it in a flat
that you bought for her.
So, in other words,
I'm buying back my own sword
and she wants to buy back a flat
that already belongs to her.
Am I missing something here?
Perhaps it's not happening.
Perhaps it's getting to me.
Perhaps I'm ready for that little cozy room
in that big white house.
Well, I will be
if I carry on talking to myself like this.
Right, well, I'm off, then.
Kinloch's left his address and phone number
in case you change your mind about the sword.
Oh.
And, Lovejoy, by the way,
what are quillons?
Oh, these... are quillons, Eric.
Oh. Could've made them the same length,
couldn't they?
Very rare, that, Eric.
By the way, did you get my French polish?
I thought I might get that later,
cos I'm gonna be late for Charley's gig.
Get it before closing time, Eric.
Yeah, before closing time, no problem.
And fix the light on the Harley, Eric.
Yes, all right.
And leave some gravel in the drive, Eric.
Oh!
Oh, bloody Eric.
What is it about this sword?
Hello, Chris, mate.
Long time no see.
Bloody hell!
Bloody Eric.
Bloody hell!
What, rear light, was it?
I'll have to have a license
or something off you.
I told station I was following you.
Come back to the office and I'll get
it for you. It's only round the corner.
- Office?
- Yeah, Lovejoy Antiques.
Works of art valued
if we like the look of you.
I'm finance director.
So, come on, then, I want the lot
with this, siren, lights, everything!
You don't get a siren with one of those.
Get out the way, Tinker!
Oh!
OK, Chris, I'll get it now,
I won't be a minute.
Ohh!
What the hell's...
Don't just stand there!
Another party.
Oh, disco lights.
Bring on the dancing girls.
Your reunion went well?
- You're a prat.
- Eh?
I'll just be seeing that license, OK, Eric?
Ah, right.
Coffee.
Don't scald your mouth.
Has Columbo filed his report yet?
No, he says he's gonna let you off using
threatening behavior to a police officer
- but just this once.
- Oh, very kind of him.
As for the burglary, he's not interested
cos there's nothing missing,
and he's an environmentalist
and he doesn't wanna waste paper.
- This is what they were after.
- You're kidding.
If you're prepared to spend five times over
the odds, Eric, you're prepared to steal.
I always thought that
was a peculiar object.
Ohh!
He's scalded his mouth now.
You should've warned him.
It serves him right.
Why do you think they want this, hmm?
Sentimental value?
Tink, in the morning...
- In the afternoon when he wakes up...
- If he wakes up.
I want you and him to find out
more about that bloke at the auction.
- Kinloch.
- Oh, right, yeah.
Find out more about the Kinlochs
of Lochs Olloch.
So, in the morning,
find out about the Ollochs of Loch Kinloch.
No, the Kinlochs of Lochs Olloch.
- The Kinlochs of Lochs Olloch.
- That's right.
The Kinlochs of Lochs Olloch.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Are you still cross?
This time I'm worried.
I want you to tell me what's over
my shoulder across the street.
Bloke in a car?
Two blokes in a car
and they're watching this place.
Oh, sure.
They did my place over last night.
I don't think it's safe for you here.
I've made arrangements
for you to stay with Jane.
That's great.
Dad, what is going on?
Did you really find that sword here?
Yes.
Take the handle off the broom
and find me some newspaper to wrap it in.
- What for?
- Never mind what for, just go and do it.
Eric.
Would you turn the music down, please,
and listen to me.
Thank you.
I want you to get on your bike...
Hi. What took you so long?
Hi, Vicki.
Right, get your clothes off.
Eh?
- Get 'em off!
- Huh?
All right, Eric, come on.
Pink!
It's bloody freezin' out here, Lovejoy.
Come on, Eric.
Hello, Bella, how's the hard-fat café?
Lovejoy, how you doing?
I wanna see you.
- Two teas.
- Make that four.
Wey-hey! Who's a nice boy, then?
- Who's a pretty boy, then?
- Give us a kiss, sweetheart, eh?
Where you off to?
I'm on a detour.
I may need your help in a minute.
- What do you think?
- Oh, nice.
So, what can you do me on it? Hundred?
It's not fallen off the
back of a lorry. 75?
Fifty.
So, what's the favor you want doing?
I want somebody slowing down
who's been following me.
- Got pink knickers on an' all?
- George.
There's some very weird people round here,
Lovejoy.
He says move it yourself.
What, me?
You want a ride in my cab, sunshine?
Get a load of him!
Thought you'd like some tea.
You must be tired
following me around all day.
I wouldn't wear that shirt again
if I was you, Eric.
It's a funny color
but nothing's wrong with it.
I don't know how you could let
Vicki wear this, let alone me!
I've never been so embarrassed in my life.
Janey?
Janey, did Vicki get there all right?
Yes, yes, Lovejoy,
Vicki's here and she's fine.
And you don't mind?
Not at all. I like her, you know that.
Janey, what is this I detect in the voice?
Well, it's just...
Isn't this all a bit dramatic?
No, people have been following me,
trying to scare me.
Where's the sword?
Safe.
So, what'll you do now?
People have been messing me about.
It's time I messed them about a bit.
B-movie baronial.
Early Boris Karloff era.
What am I bid?
Sir.
Hold it, mate, hold it!
No, listen, friend, I just want tae talk
tae the man, ye know?
- A lot of people here.
- In the car!
- Out, now.
- Oh, sacred mercy!
Look, I just want tae talk.
Ye understand?
- Yes, I do.
- Ye do?!
Yeah.
Great, I just want tae put a little somethin'
his way, dae him a wee turn - that's all.
Come on, open the gates.
If you don't buzz off, Bonzo, I'm gonna take
this hat and shove it down your throat.
Got it?
Yer a Rangers man, then, eh?
Right, fine,
I'll tell you somethin', sweetheart -
come the revolution, you are for the off!
Yer dead meat, sweetheart.
I hope yer hamburgers, pal!
Come back here!
Watch the hair, watch the hair!
Ohh!
Oh!
I'm sorry, gentlemen.
Piper.
The toast.
To him who came over the water.
To him who came over the water.
Who came to free us from the yoke.
Who came to free us from the yoke.
Who lit the fires of hope.
Who lit the fires of hope.
Who drummed the English home.
Who drummed the English home.
Charles Edward, of glorious memory.
Charles Edward, of glorious memory.
What a load of Gay Gordons!
To the martyrs of Scotland.
To the martyrs of Scotland.
Scotland the fair.
Scotland the free.
Scotland for ever!
You may serve dinner now.
I'll tell you, they did, they put them over
the end of their guns to keep the sand out.
Look, use the nut,
what other reason would we have to...
The Independence Party
is no longer just a nexus of influence,
we are a power to liberate.
Gentlemen...
to him... who came over the water.
To him who came over the water.
Ooh.
Ooh!
Oh!
Ah!
Excuse me.
An intruder.
Apparently,
he said something about the sword
and he mentioned your name.
This way, gentlemen.
Did O'Neill tell you
about the Hawspring workers walking out?
Yes, something about
their not wanting to work.
What's going on here?
Lovejoy.
I might have to sue you, you know.
Calm down, man.
You were trespassing.
I'm sure my man didn't exceed instructions.
I came here in good faith.
Did you? Then why didn't you ring
the front doorbell, Mr. Lovejoy?
I was looking for the tradesman's entrance.
I wonder. I don't think humble pie
is part of your diet, Mr. Lovejoy.
Do you want this sword or not?
The sword, you say?
The sword.
Are you telling me
you're prepared to sell it?
Yeah, that's the idea.
What made you change your mind?
The amount of money he was offering for it
and the time and effort that was spent
trying to nick it back from me,
I figured
at least there must be diamonds in it.
There weren't.
How disappointing for you.
Mm, so I'll just take the 6,000
you were offering me for it.
5,000, Lovejoy, I believe we said.
Oh, yes. Cash.
Very well.
Perhaps Ben could get it from my room.
You brought it with you?
She's overheating a bit.
The sword, Lovejoy.
The sword.
The money, Mr. Kinloch, the money.
Thank you.
Enjoy.
I will, Lovejoy, I will.
All right, all right,
I was a crummy parent.
I was never there.
I always overreacted at Christmas.
I didn't always pay the school fees...
but I always tried to be a
friend, didn't I?
So?
Talking to yourself, Lovejoy?
You're gonna end up in a loony bin
if you carry on like this.
There's absolutely nothing
you can do about it.
Tink, if I can't talk to her,
I'll talk to myself.
Right. Now, for a start,
there's no such place as Loch Olloch.
- All the stuff about the family silver...
- Was a load of old ollochs.
Was not true.
They just wanted the sword for this daft
charade they do when the moon is full.
I found out quite a lot about Kinloch.
- Any of this going spare?
- Yeah.
- For a start he's in Who's Who.
- Sorry.
Thank you.
He's actually a very, very posh Scot.
Doctor of law, historian,
has written three books about the '45.
University appointments,
government appointments, but...
he is on the board
of Tartan Transglobe plc.
Is this supposed to mean something to me?
Well, Tartan Transglobe
is owned by Charles Montrose.
Charles Montrose.
That Charles Montrose that wants to turn
Scotland into an independent state.
That Charles Montrose.
Independence Party, führer of.
Yep, thought he looked familiar.
Tartan Transglobe
is a pretty unsavory setup.
They keep getting planning permission
for supermarkets that people don't want.
There's a lot of rumors about
their gearing, Tartan Transglobe.
The FT reckons
that they're seriously overgeared.
Kinloch and Montrose
are a couple of Gay Gordons
who like to toast Bonnie Prince Charlie
wearing hairy sporrans and woolly frocks.
Do you think
that's what they want the swords for?
I did, Tink, that's why I took
the five grand and ran but...
You've used fresh tomatoes in this again,
haven't you?
Bentley!
This is bloody inconvenient!
I like my Sundays to myself.
I shall mow your lawn.
You, do my lawn?
I have mowed lawns for her majesty, Gently.
I've seen a few stripes in my time.
I want you to look at these.
This thing again.
I was a little stingy with the truth.
I was offered 5,000, not two, and the
other night somebody tried to nick it back.
There is more to that than meets the eye.
Aha!
Electric start -
I love it!
Off you go.
Ah! Claydore.
"The weapon was forged
in the workshop of one Andreas Schnabel
"in the city of Westminster, 1747.
"The sword was a commission
from Baron Ferrini,
"a Sardinian merchant and banker
who was an agent of the French government.
"The sword was presented to the family
of Lord George Murray -
"the great Jacobite in exile in Holland."
Lovejoy!
Lovejoy, come here!
- Come in, come in.
- Gently, you sound almost excited.
C-L-A-Y-D-O-R-E - Claydore.
My goodness!
- Claydore?
- It's a sort of pun, you could say.
I've never even taken it seriously.
I've always thought it on a par
with the Loch Ness monster.
Gently, please, go slowly, please.
From the beginning,
make some sense, hmm?
Shall we start with "a sort of pun",
shall we start there?
OK. Claydore is French, of course.
Claydore, clay as in clef, key of gold,
but the thing could just about
be called a claymore, you see?
So, in the books they write it claydore -
like claymore but with a D instead of the...
Right. Anyway...
"Shortly after presenting the sword
to the Murrays, Ferrini was betrayed..."
Ferrini?
Ferrini's the man
who commissioned the sword.
"Ferrini was betrayed to the government
by anti-Jacobites.
"He was arrested and tortured, tried in
camera and sentenced to death as a spy.
"From the first, mystery has surrounded
the Schnabel claymore.
"Tradition has it that Ferrini told the Murrays
it was the key to the gold - la clef d'or."
"Certainly descriptions
of its curious design
"suggest that it offered the beholder
some sort of message,
"but the Murrays, it seems,
were unable to benefit from it.
"Living penuriously on the charity of
friends, the family soon sold the sword
"to rid themselves of any connection
with dangerously disgraced Ferrini.
"The sword has been subsequently lost.
"Rumors of its existence persisted.
"Furthermore, an amount of gold,
which may be that referred to by Ferrini,
"left the French treasury in June 1745,
"presumably on its way to the rebels,
never to be seen again."
So, Gently,
this money that Ferrini referred to...
- Mm-hm... how much did the
French treasury cough up?
20,000 gold louis in mint specie.
Which today would be worth what?
Millions.
Yeah, millions.
And this sword, this claymore/claydore,
is the key to where that money is, right?
Right.
Right. It's a pity.
What?
- It's a pity.
- What's a pity?
It's a pity I sold the sword.
A little something for
you looking after Vicki.
Oh, Lovejoy!
Oh, thank you.
Aren't you going to say hello?
Ah!
Hello, Vicki.
Hi, Dad.
I'll just sort out some tea.
Come through when you're ready.
Thank you, Lovejoy,
this is really beautiful.
It's a pleasure, Janey.
You see, Victoria,
some people can accept presents gracefully.
Are you starting again? You've been
so nice. Can't you just let it lie?
All right, all right,
all right, I'll let it lie.
I came to tell you about the sword,
I'll tell you about the sword.
It was the key to
treasure, some French gold.
What?
- Anyway, I sold it.
- What?!
I shook it, I looked up its nose,
I tried making anagrams
out of the letters engraved on it -
in French and in English.
I even tried unscrewing it.
Zilch!
Must be some information on it somewhere.
I bet those Gay Gordons
have worked it out by now.
The French gold will be worth millions.
- Millions?
- Yeah, that's what Gently said.
What are you looking so cheerful about,
you just lost millions.
I've got my five grand.
I mean, millions only brings you trouble,
and you know
that I don't need any... more... trouble.
What is it?
North, south, east and west.
She's the girl that I love best.
Lovejoy, are you all right?
Compass rose, Jane.
There's no information on the sword,
the sword is the information.
It's a globe.
Those two zeros,
nothing to do with Lochs Olloch,
they're degrees, yeah?
Yeah, they must be.
That line through the center...
that's the line of
meridian in Greenwich.
And how do we get the degrees west?
Those bloody uneven quillons -
that's how we get the degrees west.
And that B on the top of the sword,
that's north, isn't it?
B for north?
Boreas, the north wind?
N would be too obvious I suppose.
Would've been fun working it out
though, Janey, it would've been fun.
But we've got photographs.
No, we need the sword in front of us.
We need the exact dimensions,
otherwise we'd be miles out.
What're you looking so pleased about?
Clever girl!
- Do you happen to have a calculator handy?
- Yep.
Of course. And does she know how to use it?
Of course she does.
My little girl ran away from the circus
to become an accountant.
Bloody lout!
Stop, stop!
That's it!
That's it. Of course!
Sorry, folks, it's the one they blew up.
What?
This Tartan lot,
there was that thing about it -
Hawspring Manor. 17th-century manor house.
It was on the television.
They blew it up
to make way for a supermarket.
Everyone was up in arms about it
but they still did it.
To build this?
Yeah. Postmodernist temple,
sacred to the Goddess Housewife.
Well, well, well.
Thank you, Mr. O'Neill.
Right, sir.
You don't know, do you?
I mean, you have no idea what you've done.
Put me out of my misery, Mr. Lovejoy.
The gold louis were in Hawspring Manor.
You've just blown it up, and poured
hundreds of tons of concrete all over them.
- You're probably standing on them.
- I don't accept this.
Come on, I'll buy you a drink,
tell you all about it.
I thought he'd never ask.
And the coordinates cross here
at Hawspring Manor.
- Nice theory, Mr. Lovejoy, but I don't think so.
- Excuse me!
You look like a man
that knows the price o' gold, am I right?
$383 an ounce.
Well, I've got a wee coin here,
d'ye want tae buy it?
Buy it?
Lovejoy, it's a louis.
Well, what dae ye reckon?
Fifty quid and it's yours.
I mean, look at it,
it's practically brand-new and that, no?
Always ask the man wi' the pink paper,
that's what I always say.
Gold Louis, 1745.
Have you got any more?
See, that's my last one.
All the other guys have gone up tae London
wi' theirs, ye know?
We'd hundreds o' them.
Do you know where they are?
Kentish Town.
I remember Wee lan saying something
about Kentish Town.
I'll help ye find 'em.
Ah, brilliant.
Are we goin' in the motor?
- Yes.
- That's brilliant, look at that!
- Hey, hey!
- It's a Jag!
- All right, all right!
- Brilliant!
Oh, look, it's got a radio!
Oh dear, oh dear.
- Souvenir.
- Oh!
when everything makes sense?
Tinker's working, Eric's trying to.
Freddie the Phone hasn't raised the rent -
he's not even thinking
of risking a homecoming.
How do you spell satin - one T or two?
Mm?
As in satinwood inlaid marquetry,
circa 1850.
Oh, the tripod table. One T.
You know how to spell marquetry, do you?
Of course I do.
Oh, and add probably by
Samuel Parnaby of Sandwich, Kent.
No, make that possibly.
- Samuel Parnaby, I've never heard of him.
- Neither have I.
- Sounds right, doesn't it?
- Want this on the trailer, Lovejoy?
Mm-hm, everything's gotta go
to the West End showroom.
What, you mean Vicki's flat?
Voicing their protest at the Department
of the Environment's decision last month,
to allow development
on a greenfield site near the M1,
which is not only a site
of special scientific importance,
but also involves the demolition
of a derelict 17th-century manor house -
Hawspring St. Mary.
The developers, Tartan Transglobe plc,
it is claimed,
have ignored the wishes of the local
council and the local member of parliament.
Today, the development
officially gets under way,
and the concerned parties
will be staging a protest...
Save our village, save our village,
save our village, save our village,
save our village, save our village,
save our village, save our village.
Are you all right, love?
What happened?
Did anybody see what happened?
Save our village, save our village,
save our village, save our village.
Save our village, save our village,
save our village...
On behalf of Tartan Transglobe plc,
I'd like to introduce
Mr. Charles Montrose, MP, our chairman.
We're talking the future here.
We're talking enterprise.
We're talking energy,
ideas, self-expression.
Above all,
we're building on our heritage -
the heritage of a great nation
looking to the future, not to the past.
Looking to the future and the 21st century
with pride and optimism.
Right.
Hanratty's.
It's nice to be back in Hanratty's.
Not that you could call old Ratty
a specialist exactly,
but he always comes up with something
interesting in the edged weapons line.
This, for example.
I know, it's not my cup of tea
but... I'm on a commission,
and a percentage is a percentage.
Have you got my coffee?
Weird! Chetwood's gonna love this.
Ah, no, you've got my coffee.
- Tastes like tea anyway, Eric.
- They're all coffees.
Tastes like gravy.
Have you checked the lights
on the Harley yet?
- I'll get round to it, don't worry.
- Yeah.
Against you, sir. Shall we say 100?
120.
George III.
What's all this engraving?
It's a commemorative piece, isn't it. 1750s.
The blade's a Solingen, it could be earlier.
That's the Solingen running wolf.
It says here "Fine basket sword,
1.25m, about 1760.
Unusual orb-shaped basket with
conventional loop guard plus quillons...
whatever they are.
Engraved "Souv le QC" on blade.
It's lot 161 all right.
What budget did Chetwood give you?
Up to 900 quid. I've never seen a guard
with quillons like that before - have you?
- Chetters'll love this.
- Thank you, sir.
Adores getting his teeth into a mystery.
What is a quillon, by the way
when it's at home?
Hello!
- What?
- Gently Bentley.
He got those Venetian stilettos earlier on.
Yes, but he stayed for this.
Right, lot 161, a fine 18th-century
commemorative basket guard claymore.
Let's see what Bentley does.
Who'll start me off at 200?
Come along, ladies and gentlemen,
this sword's worth far more than £200.
No?
Oh, well, I shall sell it for 200, then.
300, thank you, madam.
400.
500.
- Who is she?
- Can't see.
With the lady, then -
are we all done at 500?
Six, thank you, sir.
And 50.
Seven, thank you, sir.
Against you, madam.
Seven it is.
Lovejoy.
Which lot are they at?
They've just done 163.
If you found the sword at the flat,
why the hell didn't you bring it to me?
- This is the correct place to bring it?
- I didn't say that it isn't.
Crap furniture and good weapons.
Genuine collectors' house, Hanratty's,
you always told me.
And you bid me up.
I didn't see you.
Nobody bids only once anyway.
Who told me that, huh?
Perhaps I should change me aftershave.
- Excuse me, sir.
- Yeah.
The claymore, would you mind
if I were to look at it?
No, no, come with me. Vicki, Eric,
show this man the sword, will you.
Vicki, we're coming to
the flat this afternoon.
- My place?
- We're gonna drop some stuff off.
You know, the table and things,
and yes, I did remember to call her.
- Right, Vicki?
- Well...
I wonder... May I have a word?
Yeah.
My name is Kinloch.
- Lovejoy.
- Catchpole.
This is a commemorative piece.
"Souv le QC". You find that on a few
of them. Souviens le quarante-cinq -
remember the '45.
1745.
The '45.
I remember doing that.
You're looking very smart, Tinker.
Regimental reunion, young ma'am.
Charles Edward Stuart, as you say.
Charles III of England as he might've been.
- So this commemorates what - a disaster?
- Not for Charles it wasn't.
He had England scared witless.
He was a hero in Europe.
Quite right, young lady. In Paris he was féted.
He was the toast of France despite his defeat.
The fact is, sir, that this particular claymore,
I believe has connections with my family.
Well... it's more than a belief.
You see the capital O
with the smaller O beside?
Mm-hm.
My family are the Kinlochs of Lochs Olloch.
There are two Lochs Olloch -
the big sea loch and the little
freshwater loch, hence the two O's.
It's a mark on all the family silver.
I imagine you gave
nearly a thousand pounds for this.
I'd be prepared to give you 5,000.
Just a moment.
It's a very desirable lot, this one.
Now, I have £600.
Five grand starts me wondering.
Hello, Gently.
You bought that damn thing, did you?
Commission.
Yeah.
Well, fools abound,
as my old Aunt Dolly used to declare.
Only a commemorative piece, you know.
What would you do
if you were offered two grand for it?
What?
Let's have a look at it.
I don't get it.
Solingen blade,
but no other maker's stamp on it.
He, er...
- He says it was made for his family.
- Probably was.
Do you know him?
No.
Is he a dealer?
Doubt it.
Looks as if you've struck lucky, Lovejoy.
Grab your two grand and run. I should.
Hmm.
- Thank you, Bentley.
- Mm.
Well, you know me.
Gonna hang on to it.
I just want to feel a bit freer, you know?
I think that's what it is.
Oh, yes, of course. Thank you.
But don't expect miracles.
Are you sure you can afford to buy it?
I've worked it out quite carefully.
Dad got it dirt cheap from some fence
who's retired to Malaga - Albie something.
I would've thought I was doing him a favor.
Well, yes, quite.
You will tread gently, though, won't you?
He feels very guilty about you.
I suppose that's why he bought you the flat
in the first place, don't you think?
He doesn't have to feel guilty.
I mean, it's not his fault
that my mum's a prize cow, is it?
- Hi, Dad.
- Hello, darling, how are you?
I've just been helping Jane to plan
her interior decor stuff on my computer.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Hello, Vicki.
- Hi, Eric.
Eric, start unloading that, would you, and be
careful of that table, Tinker's in love with it.
- Now, Dad...
- What?
Uh, Dad...
What the hell?
I've been careful with them.
I just don't really want them here.
What do you mean, you don't want them,
they're beautiful, some of my finest pieces.
I was beginning to feel like
your London showroom.
You are my London showroom.
What the hell's going on, Jane?
This is the pack I've been designing.
It's for a perfume.
- I haven't named it yet.
- You getting paid for this?
- Got a few ideas for the bottle.
- Are you getting paid for this?
- In a way.
- In what way?
That the real stuff?
What's going on here?
Are you going to drink
this champagne or not?
I think Vicki's trying to tell you
she's got a job.
She already had a job,
running my London showroom.
No, a proper job.
Flexi-hours, a personal pension scheme.
A pension, wow, good for you -
what about me?
And money.
Money...
and a pension -
wow!
I'm a sales executive.
I'm just above a most junior salesperson.
- I can wear a suit.
- Oh!
She's got something else to tell you.
The check's the deposit,
and the rest is a standing order.
What?
I'm paying you back for the deposit,
I want to buy the flat.
- Properly buy it.
- It's already yours.
Well, I'm paying you back for it, then.
The deposit and everything.
I bought it for you.
I don't want this.
Dad, I want to be independent.
- She doesn't feel it's hers.
- I feel it's hers.
Oh, I see.
This could obviously go on for some time.
Look, she's very determined -
why don't you just give in
with a good grace?
- Dad, you must be broke. You always are.
- I am not broke
and I do not want your money.
- You've never refused money in your life!
- If you want to throw your money around,
I suggest you find a charity,
but I don't think I
qualify for that just yet.
Didn't you tell me
you found the sword in this flat?
That means I bought back my own sword.
- I'll give you the money for it.
- I don't want the money for it!
Oh, my God!
What's all this lot doing here?
It's all going out.
Lovejoy, give it to me in a word.
Is the stuff that's in going out
or is the stuff that's out coming in?
- In a word, Eric - in.
- Out.
Make up your mind, somebody.
- Shut up, Eric.
- Dad, it's only money.
She's been very loyal to you, Lovejoy.
That's very nice, Lady Jane,
I only came in to try and help.
- Do you want the stuff out or what?
- Oh, shut up, Eric.
She even said
her mother was a pain in...
Well, I didn't tell her,
it almost certainly was.
- Was what?
- His fault she was.
His fault she was what?
Oh, never mind!
Do you ever have one of those days
when you feel nothing makes sense?
You buy a sword from your daughter
at a price that's over the odds
even though she found it in a flat
that you bought for her.
So, in other words,
I'm buying back my own sword
and she wants to buy back a flat
that already belongs to her.
Am I missing something here?
Perhaps it's not happening.
Perhaps it's getting to me.
Perhaps I'm ready for that little cozy room
in that big white house.
Well, I will be
if I carry on talking to myself like this.
Right, well, I'm off, then.
Kinloch's left his address and phone number
in case you change your mind about the sword.
Oh.
And, Lovejoy, by the way,
what are quillons?
Oh, these... are quillons, Eric.
Oh. Could've made them the same length,
couldn't they?
Very rare, that, Eric.
By the way, did you get my French polish?
I thought I might get that later,
cos I'm gonna be late for Charley's gig.
Get it before closing time, Eric.
Yeah, before closing time, no problem.
And fix the light on the Harley, Eric.
Yes, all right.
And leave some gravel in the drive, Eric.
Oh!
Oh, bloody Eric.
What is it about this sword?
Hello, Chris, mate.
Long time no see.
Bloody hell!
Bloody Eric.
Bloody hell!
What, rear light, was it?
I'll have to have a license
or something off you.
I told station I was following you.
Come back to the office and I'll get
it for you. It's only round the corner.
- Office?
- Yeah, Lovejoy Antiques.
Works of art valued
if we like the look of you.
I'm finance director.
So, come on, then, I want the lot
with this, siren, lights, everything!
You don't get a siren with one of those.
Get out the way, Tinker!
Oh!
OK, Chris, I'll get it now,
I won't be a minute.
Ohh!
What the hell's...
Don't just stand there!
Another party.
Oh, disco lights.
Bring on the dancing girls.
Your reunion went well?
- You're a prat.
- Eh?
I'll just be seeing that license, OK, Eric?
Ah, right.
Coffee.
Don't scald your mouth.
Has Columbo filed his report yet?
No, he says he's gonna let you off using
threatening behavior to a police officer
- but just this once.
- Oh, very kind of him.
As for the burglary, he's not interested
cos there's nothing missing,
and he's an environmentalist
and he doesn't wanna waste paper.
- This is what they were after.
- You're kidding.
If you're prepared to spend five times over
the odds, Eric, you're prepared to steal.
I always thought that
was a peculiar object.
Ohh!
He's scalded his mouth now.
You should've warned him.
It serves him right.
Why do you think they want this, hmm?
Sentimental value?
Tink, in the morning...
- In the afternoon when he wakes up...
- If he wakes up.
I want you and him to find out
more about that bloke at the auction.
- Kinloch.
- Oh, right, yeah.
Find out more about the Kinlochs
of Lochs Olloch.
So, in the morning,
find out about the Ollochs of Loch Kinloch.
No, the Kinlochs of Lochs Olloch.
- The Kinlochs of Lochs Olloch.
- That's right.
The Kinlochs of Lochs Olloch.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Are you still cross?
This time I'm worried.
I want you to tell me what's over
my shoulder across the street.
Bloke in a car?
Two blokes in a car
and they're watching this place.
Oh, sure.
They did my place over last night.
I don't think it's safe for you here.
I've made arrangements
for you to stay with Jane.
That's great.
Dad, what is going on?
Did you really find that sword here?
Yes.
Take the handle off the broom
and find me some newspaper to wrap it in.
- What for?
- Never mind what for, just go and do it.
Eric.
Would you turn the music down, please,
and listen to me.
Thank you.
I want you to get on your bike...
Hi. What took you so long?
Hi, Vicki.
Right, get your clothes off.
Eh?
- Get 'em off!
- Huh?
All right, Eric, come on.
Pink!
It's bloody freezin' out here, Lovejoy.
Come on, Eric.
Hello, Bella, how's the hard-fat café?
Lovejoy, how you doing?
I wanna see you.
- Two teas.
- Make that four.
Wey-hey! Who's a nice boy, then?
- Who's a pretty boy, then?
- Give us a kiss, sweetheart, eh?
Where you off to?
I'm on a detour.
I may need your help in a minute.
- What do you think?
- Oh, nice.
So, what can you do me on it? Hundred?
It's not fallen off the
back of a lorry. 75?
Fifty.
So, what's the favor you want doing?
I want somebody slowing down
who's been following me.
- Got pink knickers on an' all?
- George.
There's some very weird people round here,
Lovejoy.
He says move it yourself.
What, me?
You want a ride in my cab, sunshine?
Get a load of him!
Thought you'd like some tea.
You must be tired
following me around all day.
I wouldn't wear that shirt again
if I was you, Eric.
It's a funny color
but nothing's wrong with it.
I don't know how you could let
Vicki wear this, let alone me!
I've never been so embarrassed in my life.
Janey?
Janey, did Vicki get there all right?
Yes, yes, Lovejoy,
Vicki's here and she's fine.
And you don't mind?
Not at all. I like her, you know that.
Janey, what is this I detect in the voice?
Well, it's just...
Isn't this all a bit dramatic?
No, people have been following me,
trying to scare me.
Where's the sword?
Safe.
So, what'll you do now?
People have been messing me about.
It's time I messed them about a bit.
B-movie baronial.
Early Boris Karloff era.
What am I bid?
Sir.
Hold it, mate, hold it!
No, listen, friend, I just want tae talk
tae the man, ye know?
- A lot of people here.
- In the car!
- Out, now.
- Oh, sacred mercy!
Look, I just want tae talk.
Ye understand?
- Yes, I do.
- Ye do?!
Yeah.
Great, I just want tae put a little somethin'
his way, dae him a wee turn - that's all.
Come on, open the gates.
If you don't buzz off, Bonzo, I'm gonna take
this hat and shove it down your throat.
Got it?
Yer a Rangers man, then, eh?
Right, fine,
I'll tell you somethin', sweetheart -
come the revolution, you are for the off!
Yer dead meat, sweetheart.
I hope yer hamburgers, pal!
Come back here!
Watch the hair, watch the hair!
Ohh!
Oh!
I'm sorry, gentlemen.
Piper.
The toast.
To him who came over the water.
To him who came over the water.
Who came to free us from the yoke.
Who came to free us from the yoke.
Who lit the fires of hope.
Who lit the fires of hope.
Who drummed the English home.
Who drummed the English home.
Charles Edward, of glorious memory.
Charles Edward, of glorious memory.
What a load of Gay Gordons!
To the martyrs of Scotland.
To the martyrs of Scotland.
Scotland the fair.
Scotland the free.
Scotland for ever!
You may serve dinner now.
I'll tell you, they did, they put them over
the end of their guns to keep the sand out.
Look, use the nut,
what other reason would we have to...
The Independence Party
is no longer just a nexus of influence,
we are a power to liberate.
Gentlemen...
to him... who came over the water.
To him who came over the water.
Ooh.
Ooh!
Oh!
Ah!
Excuse me.
An intruder.
Apparently,
he said something about the sword
and he mentioned your name.
This way, gentlemen.
Did O'Neill tell you
about the Hawspring workers walking out?
Yes, something about
their not wanting to work.
What's going on here?
Lovejoy.
I might have to sue you, you know.
Calm down, man.
You were trespassing.
I'm sure my man didn't exceed instructions.
I came here in good faith.
Did you? Then why didn't you ring
the front doorbell, Mr. Lovejoy?
I was looking for the tradesman's entrance.
I wonder. I don't think humble pie
is part of your diet, Mr. Lovejoy.
Do you want this sword or not?
The sword, you say?
The sword.
Are you telling me
you're prepared to sell it?
Yeah, that's the idea.
What made you change your mind?
The amount of money he was offering for it
and the time and effort that was spent
trying to nick it back from me,
I figured
at least there must be diamonds in it.
There weren't.
How disappointing for you.
Mm, so I'll just take the 6,000
you were offering me for it.
5,000, Lovejoy, I believe we said.
Oh, yes. Cash.
Very well.
Perhaps Ben could get it from my room.
You brought it with you?
She's overheating a bit.
The sword, Lovejoy.
The sword.
The money, Mr. Kinloch, the money.
Thank you.
Enjoy.
I will, Lovejoy, I will.
All right, all right,
I was a crummy parent.
I was never there.
I always overreacted at Christmas.
I didn't always pay the school fees...
but I always tried to be a
friend, didn't I?
So?
Talking to yourself, Lovejoy?
You're gonna end up in a loony bin
if you carry on like this.
There's absolutely nothing
you can do about it.
Tink, if I can't talk to her,
I'll talk to myself.
Right. Now, for a start,
there's no such place as Loch Olloch.
- All the stuff about the family silver...
- Was a load of old ollochs.
Was not true.
They just wanted the sword for this daft
charade they do when the moon is full.
I found out quite a lot about Kinloch.
- Any of this going spare?
- Yeah.
- For a start he's in Who's Who.
- Sorry.
Thank you.
He's actually a very, very posh Scot.
Doctor of law, historian,
has written three books about the '45.
University appointments,
government appointments, but...
he is on the board
of Tartan Transglobe plc.
Is this supposed to mean something to me?
Well, Tartan Transglobe
is owned by Charles Montrose.
Charles Montrose.
That Charles Montrose that wants to turn
Scotland into an independent state.
That Charles Montrose.
Independence Party, führer of.
Yep, thought he looked familiar.
Tartan Transglobe
is a pretty unsavory setup.
They keep getting planning permission
for supermarkets that people don't want.
There's a lot of rumors about
their gearing, Tartan Transglobe.
The FT reckons
that they're seriously overgeared.
Kinloch and Montrose
are a couple of Gay Gordons
who like to toast Bonnie Prince Charlie
wearing hairy sporrans and woolly frocks.
Do you think
that's what they want the swords for?
I did, Tink, that's why I took
the five grand and ran but...
You've used fresh tomatoes in this again,
haven't you?
Bentley!
This is bloody inconvenient!
I like my Sundays to myself.
I shall mow your lawn.
You, do my lawn?
I have mowed lawns for her majesty, Gently.
I've seen a few stripes in my time.
I want you to look at these.
This thing again.
I was a little stingy with the truth.
I was offered 5,000, not two, and the
other night somebody tried to nick it back.
There is more to that than meets the eye.
Aha!
Electric start -
I love it!
Off you go.
Ah! Claydore.
"The weapon was forged
in the workshop of one Andreas Schnabel
"in the city of Westminster, 1747.
"The sword was a commission
from Baron Ferrini,
"a Sardinian merchant and banker
who was an agent of the French government.
"The sword was presented to the family
of Lord George Murray -
"the great Jacobite in exile in Holland."
Lovejoy!
Lovejoy, come here!
- Come in, come in.
- Gently, you sound almost excited.
C-L-A-Y-D-O-R-E - Claydore.
My goodness!
- Claydore?
- It's a sort of pun, you could say.
I've never even taken it seriously.
I've always thought it on a par
with the Loch Ness monster.
Gently, please, go slowly, please.
From the beginning,
make some sense, hmm?
Shall we start with "a sort of pun",
shall we start there?
OK. Claydore is French, of course.
Claydore, clay as in clef, key of gold,
but the thing could just about
be called a claymore, you see?
So, in the books they write it claydore -
like claymore but with a D instead of the...
Right. Anyway...
"Shortly after presenting the sword
to the Murrays, Ferrini was betrayed..."
Ferrini?
Ferrini's the man
who commissioned the sword.
"Ferrini was betrayed to the government
by anti-Jacobites.
"He was arrested and tortured, tried in
camera and sentenced to death as a spy.
"From the first, mystery has surrounded
the Schnabel claymore.
"Tradition has it that Ferrini told the Murrays
it was the key to the gold - la clef d'or."
"Certainly descriptions
of its curious design
"suggest that it offered the beholder
some sort of message,
"but the Murrays, it seems,
were unable to benefit from it.
"Living penuriously on the charity of
friends, the family soon sold the sword
"to rid themselves of any connection
with dangerously disgraced Ferrini.
"The sword has been subsequently lost.
"Rumors of its existence persisted.
"Furthermore, an amount of gold,
which may be that referred to by Ferrini,
"left the French treasury in June 1745,
"presumably on its way to the rebels,
never to be seen again."
So, Gently,
this money that Ferrini referred to...
- Mm-hm... how much did the
French treasury cough up?
20,000 gold louis in mint specie.
Which today would be worth what?
Millions.
Yeah, millions.
And this sword, this claymore/claydore,
is the key to where that money is, right?
Right.
Right. It's a pity.
What?
- It's a pity.
- What's a pity?
It's a pity I sold the sword.
A little something for
you looking after Vicki.
Oh, Lovejoy!
Oh, thank you.
Aren't you going to say hello?
Ah!
Hello, Vicki.
Hi, Dad.
I'll just sort out some tea.
Come through when you're ready.
Thank you, Lovejoy,
this is really beautiful.
It's a pleasure, Janey.
You see, Victoria,
some people can accept presents gracefully.
Are you starting again? You've been
so nice. Can't you just let it lie?
All right, all right,
all right, I'll let it lie.
I came to tell you about the sword,
I'll tell you about the sword.
It was the key to
treasure, some French gold.
What?
- Anyway, I sold it.
- What?!
I shook it, I looked up its nose,
I tried making anagrams
out of the letters engraved on it -
in French and in English.
I even tried unscrewing it.
Zilch!
Must be some information on it somewhere.
I bet those Gay Gordons
have worked it out by now.
The French gold will be worth millions.
- Millions?
- Yeah, that's what Gently said.
What are you looking so cheerful about,
you just lost millions.
I've got my five grand.
I mean, millions only brings you trouble,
and you know
that I don't need any... more... trouble.
What is it?
North, south, east and west.
She's the girl that I love best.
Lovejoy, are you all right?
Compass rose, Jane.
There's no information on the sword,
the sword is the information.
It's a globe.
Those two zeros,
nothing to do with Lochs Olloch,
they're degrees, yeah?
Yeah, they must be.
That line through the center...
that's the line of
meridian in Greenwich.
And how do we get the degrees west?
Those bloody uneven quillons -
that's how we get the degrees west.
And that B on the top of the sword,
that's north, isn't it?
B for north?
Boreas, the north wind?
N would be too obvious I suppose.
Would've been fun working it out
though, Janey, it would've been fun.
But we've got photographs.
No, we need the sword in front of us.
We need the exact dimensions,
otherwise we'd be miles out.
What're you looking so pleased about?
Clever girl!
- Do you happen to have a calculator handy?
- Yep.
Of course. And does she know how to use it?
Of course she does.
My little girl ran away from the circus
to become an accountant.
Bloody lout!
Stop, stop!
That's it!
That's it. Of course!
Sorry, folks, it's the one they blew up.
What?
This Tartan lot,
there was that thing about it -
Hawspring Manor. 17th-century manor house.
It was on the television.
They blew it up
to make way for a supermarket.
Everyone was up in arms about it
but they still did it.
To build this?
Yeah. Postmodernist temple,
sacred to the Goddess Housewife.
Well, well, well.
Thank you, Mr. O'Neill.
Right, sir.
You don't know, do you?
I mean, you have no idea what you've done.
Put me out of my misery, Mr. Lovejoy.
The gold louis were in Hawspring Manor.
You've just blown it up, and poured
hundreds of tons of concrete all over them.
- You're probably standing on them.
- I don't accept this.
Come on, I'll buy you a drink,
tell you all about it.
I thought he'd never ask.
And the coordinates cross here
at Hawspring Manor.
- Nice theory, Mr. Lovejoy, but I don't think so.
- Excuse me!
You look like a man
that knows the price o' gold, am I right?
$383 an ounce.
Well, I've got a wee coin here,
d'ye want tae buy it?
Buy it?
Lovejoy, it's a louis.
Well, what dae ye reckon?
Fifty quid and it's yours.
I mean, look at it,
it's practically brand-new and that, no?
Always ask the man wi' the pink paper,
that's what I always say.
Gold Louis, 1745.
Have you got any more?
See, that's my last one.
All the other guys have gone up tae London
wi' theirs, ye know?
We'd hundreds o' them.
Do you know where they are?
Kentish Town.
I remember Wee lan saying something
about Kentish Town.
I'll help ye find 'em.
Ah, brilliant.
Are we goin' in the motor?
- Yes.
- That's brilliant, look at that!
- Hey, hey!
- It's a Jag!
- All right, all right!
- Brilliant!
Oh, look, it's got a radio!
Oh dear, oh dear.
- Souvenir.
- Oh!