Lovejoy (1986–1994): Season 3, Episode 6 - Eric of Arabia - full transcript

Eugh. This one doesn't look
any happier than yours.

You'd look like this if you were
2,000 years old and made of terracotta.

Why doesn't Sir Desmond
just put it up for auction?

The good doctor already has a buyer,
the Bank of Nanking.

But the bank wants the provenance of
a highly respected antique dealer.

- Lovejoy...
- Auctioneers take ten per cent, Jane.

Porcelain, I could understand.

- But prehistoric pigs from Shanghai...
- Xi'an Dong Ling Tse.

It's where they found
that army of clay soldiers.

And Sir Desmond Clark
finds one clay pig.

It's not the looks that count, Jane.



It's how long it's lasted.
It's... like marriage

This one's been around
since the 5th century BC,

which means
it's worth about half a million quid,

of which we take two per cent.

Imagine, Jane.

To hold in our hand something
that's been buried away for 24 centuries.

That's enough about marriage.

How can you provenance it?
You're not an expert.

No.

But Flat Fee Lee is.
And he only wants 500 quid.

Why do you call him Flat Fee Lee?

Because he never speculates.
Always takes cash up front,

never gives anything away.

- Inscrutable.
- Unscrupulous.



Lee Chan. You look exhausted.
You had a hard day?

You're not kidding.

Some of these buggers think
they invented the flu.

Aren't you going to sell it
with the wheels on?

I'm just knocking the rust off.

Well, knock it into a safe place -
you paid good money for that rust.

I got it on a trade-in.

I only hope I can sell it before
that farmer finds out what he's done.

- He's done you, by the looks of it.
- Yeah, well, that's what he thought.

But this happens to be
a unique motorcycle,

just about one of the first motorbikes
in history. And it's complete.

- Complete what?
- All in one piece!

There's over 200 handmade components
in this, Tinker.

And they're all here after 90 years.

Well, which is the front end?

That's the passenger seat,
this is the driver's seat.

- D'you want a ride?
- What, you're gonna make this heap go?

It already goes. I've got a buyer
coming over from Germany.

He should be here by now.
He sounded very expert.

Where is he, then?
Cruelly efficient as a rule, the Germans.

Don't be so prejudiced.

I'm an old soldier, Eric.

And old soldiers have long memories.

Yeah, well, we're all Europeans
in the business world now.

The Germans are
the most European of all.

You're asking 400 quid for this lot?

Well, I ought to hold out for five,
but I need the capital.

But that's the trouble with underpricing -
nobody believes you.

I believe you. What's its scrap value?

Ten quid?

Nine?

That's a German word
you're gonna have to learn.

Mr. Chow says you have exquisite taste,
Sir Desmond.

Yes. Yes.

Uh... 17th-century ivory.
Yes. It's v-very v-valuable.

Mr. Chow believes
the Chinese invented art.

Yes. Well... he's a banker.

- Agh! Mr. Chow.
- A tooled figure. Han dynasty.

Han. 152 BC.
Uh... mer-mer-merchant.

Beautiful. Ming period.
Your 14th century.

- That is my very own work.
- Oh, really?

Very few Westerners
master the art of Chinese calligraphy.

But with a surgeon's hands...

No, no, no.

Surgery isn't very manual these days.

You know, we use a lot of machines.

When can we see the pig?

Yes. I'm sorry,
but I'm having it authenticated.

Uh... Mr. Lovejoy?

Lovejoy.
Have you... have you heard of him?

Hah! No, Mr. Chow. Steady.
You... Yes. Ah, well.

Mr. Chow says it gives serenity
to contemplate beautiful objects.

- Partly true.
- And to venerate what is old.

So why are you invading
his personal space?

Hm.

What I need is
some cut-price advice, Lee.

What do you make of it?

It's clay.

Worked in the style
of the warring states.

Or the Chang Kuo period.

Skilful decoration.

But it's a fake.

Lee, the owner's a connoisseur. He's
been to Xi'an Dong Ling Tse himself.

Sorry, pal, but the original
would have had cast decoration.

This copy's been embellished afterwards.

See? Here. And here.

- It looks so old.
- It is old.

But it was made a fake.
About 14th century.

So it's an antique fake?

That's right, love.
In the early Ming dynasty

it was fashionable
to collect things from the past.

So how much is it worth?

- About a grand.
- Oh...

Well, that's cut the price.

These 14th-century fakes
were pretty commonplace.

Mind you, you had to be a brave lad
to be a forger in them days.

If you got caught,
it was a death of 1,000 cuts.

Still, there's a legend that every fake
bears the forger's inscription.

Where?

Come off it, Lovejoy.
They chopped heads off.

No forger's gonna carve his name
in large print.

Still, it's only a legend.

How much did you pay for it?

- I'm having it valued for the owner.
- Some connoisseur.

Expecting the results tomorrow.

You know the results. It's a fake.

Well, Sir Desmond Clark doesn't,
does he?

You can't say it's genuine.

I'm not going to say anything
until I've renegotiated the arrangement.

- You're not on a percentage, are you?
- Hm!

Two per cent of £1,000.
It might cover the petrol.

Always go for the flat fee, Lovejoy.
Take my advice.

Not twice in one day, Lee.
Can't afford it.

"Catchpole"? "Pre-war classics"?

"Vintage motorcycles
for the connoisseur.

"Visit our exclusive showrooms and
view our international selection.

"Knock on the shed and ask for Eric"?

Have you got a reply to that?

Catchpole?

Gunter Sperber.
We spoke on the telephone.

- I have come about your advertisement.
- Ah, yes. Guten Abend.

Congratulations. Uh, reunification.

It's like Kennedy, isn't it?
Everybody always remembers

where they were
when the Berlin Wall came down.

- This is the motorbike for sale?
- Yes. 1899 original.

It was a great moment in your history,
though, wasn't it?

Ein Volk, ein Reich,
ein shopping trolley.

No, you know what I mean.
No more queues,

no more central planning,
no more pollution.

So, uh...
what do you do for a living, then?

I was chief engineer for Trabant Motors.

It's not what I'm looking for.
I collect mainly the period 1900 to 1935.

If this bike had any military connections
it might be worth double.

Say £20.

£20? But this is vintage!

I mean, the bikes in that magazine
go for thousands.

Look at these machines.
They are immaculate.

You shouldn't advertise in here.

Well, it's the trade journal.
Where should I put it?

How about a skip? Aha-ha-ha!

It works. Come on, get on
and I'll show you.

- Nein, no.
- I thought you liked vintage bikes.

Uh... I'm not insured.

- Tinker.
- Uh... I think not.

Lovejoy, I want to take
the trike for a spin

Right, see you in a month's time.

With a passenger.

Because this is my buyer
and he doesn't think the trike works.

But I reckon I can push it up to 30.

He'll never pay as much as that.
He probably only wants it for the spares.

Oh, yeah? Since when have you been
the great expert on motorbikes?

I'm not.
But I know a Cromwell's dagger.

"We've had this knife in the family
since the Civil War.

"It's only had ten new blades
and seven new handles."

A lot of vintage machinery
isn't as complete as this.

You know, there's a fresh bolt here,
a fresh nut there,

a new carburetor.

Collectors like to replace them
with originals,

so, often, they'll buy a whole machine
just for one or two nuts.

In this case, peanuts.

- Come on, he won't think you trust me.
- I don't think I trust you.

Look, it's perfectly safe!

I wish you'd stop flinching
every time we go round a bend, Lovejoy.

You don't see Nigel Mansell going round
corners with his eyes shut, do you?

No, he leans into them and enjoys
the wind whistling past his shoulders.

You ought to try it. There's nothing
more exhilarating than defying gravity.

Beautiful design, innit?
There's no give in that chain.

No give in this seat, either.

Of course,
I had to take a few links out

cos it was four inches longer
when I started.

So was my spine.

It's not a modern bike, Lovejoy.
What do you expect from a classic?

Hydraulic suspension?
Padded cushions?

- Seatbelts?
- That's a good idea, seatbelts.

Oh, stop worrying.
I've got all the controls at my fingertips.

Oh! Lovejoy!

I can't stay here.
I've got to see a man about a pig.

Now, calm down. You've been very lucky.

- Yeah, it could have been me.
- Look out!

Try not to get excited.
You've had a clean break -

you won't be in bed
for more than a couple of days.

Oh, no.
Jane, you'll have to see Sir Desmond.

I want a flat fee. £500.

I'm sorry, Lovejoy, I am not a hustler.

It's a perfectly honest arrangement.
I want the cash up front.

You want 50 percent of the pig's entire
value so you can tell him it's worthless.

- What if he gets awkward?
- It's a bargain. He'll jump at it.

Look, Lovejoy, I don't mind Jane
helping out but I'm second in command

- and I should run the business.
- Run it into what?

Look, I told you, that German bloke
pinched my nuts.

If he gives you any trouble, Jane,
break his legs. Both of them.

Could you hold the lift, please?
Thank you.

Oh...

Agh...

- Are you all right? What's the matter?
- I've got this itch.

- Don't seem to be able to scratch it.
- You've always had that, Lovejoy.

Try slipping this
down the side of the cast.

Oh, thank you, madam.

The junior partner
shouldn't just be a gofer.

I'm gonna have to run my own specialty
sooner or later.

- Lovejoy's not gonna be around forever.
- Not at this rate, no.

Look, I told you,
that German bloke nobbled my trike!

It doesn't look to me
like it needed nobbling.

It's nothing but a pile of rust.

Well, maybe Lovejoy was right and
it needed a seatbelt up front.

It needed a man with a red flag in front.

Lovejoy says you came round that bend
absolutely hell for...

- Catchpole?
- That's me.

- Natasha Glendenning.
- Nice to meet you.

I'm afraid the bike's been um...
snapped up.

I'm selling. Would you be interested in
a Brough Superior?

I knew it.
SS80, innit?

- Working order, too.
- Are you sure you want this, Eric?

It looks like a motorbike.

This is the Rolls-Royce
of motorbikes, this is.

- Jane Felsham.
- Hi.

Forget your Nortons and your BSAs.

The Brough Superior
was the cream of British engineering.

Oh, look at this. Girder forks.

Original knee grips.

Aluminum silencer.

Enfield brakes. Side valve.
JAP engine.

1924 four-cam deluxe.

I changed the forks last month.
These ones are in factory order.

Beautiful. We couldn't have restored it
to original condition better ourselves.

You seem to have worked very hard
on this.

Yep. Every weekend
for the last couple of years.

It was in pieces when I got it.

We could restore it
to that original condition.

I've been so close to this bike.
It feels like part of me.

But if it were an SS100, the 1932 model,

that would be a real piece of history.

The SS100 is the bike
that Lawrence died on.

I'm sorry to hear that.
I didn't even know he'd had a crash.

I think she means
Lawrence of Arabia, Eric.

Oh, right.

He was killed on a motorbike, wasn't he?

A Brough Superior.
Everyone knows that.

- Wasn't he in the army at the time?
- The RAF.

He was stationed in Dorset,
near where I used to live.

That's where he came off the bike.

Lawrence of Arabia and the RAF.

Just as a matter of interest,

how much would his bike be worth
to a military collector?

Serious money.
Any SS100 of that period

could fetch... 10,000 plus.

And where there's
a connection to Lawrence, well, you...

I don't think we would offer
anything like that.

No, no, this isn't an SS100.
This is an SS80.

Of course. How silly of me.

- As I say, we are more of an antiques...
- £3,000.

It's not enough. I've got to get four.

Well, we haven't got four.

But I tell you what we'll do.

You accept three on account against
a guarantee that we'll sell it for five.

Anything above that, we split 50-50.

Deal.

Eric.

Excuse us a moment, Natasha.

- What are you doing?
- I've got to make it up to Lovejoy.

I've broken his leg and now he can't
make that meeting with Sir Desmond.

And you know how he has
a sixth sense about antiques.

Well, I'm a bit of a divvy myself.

Well, if it doesn't work out...

I'll sell the Harley.

Eric... you couldn't do that.

It's for Lovejoy.

And while he's away, I intend to be
the driving force behind this business.

I think the less said about your driving
the better.

In hospital? That is very inconvenient.

It is for him.

So...

I suppose you've, um...
you've come to return the pig.

I'm afraid it's still being dated.

And when can I expect the result?

It's extremely urgent, you see.

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Naturally, we've incurred some expense
in provenancing the piece and Lovejoy...

- No. No. I won't pay a flat fee.
- Why not?

Ah. Here.

You see, I object to a flat fee
on... principle.

Principle?

If you got your money in advance,

what's to stop you
deliberately undervaluing the piece?

I think that would be rather difficult.

Why? No, no, no. No.
I want Lovejoy on a percentage.

Then I know that it's to his advantage

to arrive at the best possible price. Hm?

I've been warned about this.

Some unscrupulous dealers

might deliberately undervalue the pig

in order to pick up a bargain
for themselves, hm?

Yeah, but that's what we're offering you.

A provenance for 500 quid
that on a percentage would cost 10,000.

I don't want a bargain. No.

I chose Lovejoy

because, as a distinguished member
of the trade,

I assume that he had
a reputation to protect.

I'm sorry, am I in your way?

I just want you to be very, very careful.

Look, I know you um...

don't provide a Bond Street service

but really, I didn't expect it to be um...

this poor.

Ooh!

Pear?

Ooh...

How's the itch, Lovejoy?
Is it getting any better?

No, it's agony. This won't reach.

I'm even itching in my sleep.

Should get your mind on something else.
Banana?

We can't do it, Lovejoy.
We've given him a piece of her mind

and you expect us
to go back on our hands and knees.

Well, I can't, can I?

I've worn underwear that keeps a politer
distance than Sir Desmond Clark.

He won't give us anything in advance.

He insists we take a percentage.

Satsuma?

- I'm ruined.
- Oh, come on.

I know £500 is a lot of money...

It isn't the money. It's Lovejoy's
reputation in the trade.

If I can't provenance it
I look like an amateur.

And if I provenance it for 20 quid
I might as well be an amateur.

Kiwi fruit?

No, I don't want a pear,
I don't want a banana or a satsuma

and I certainly don't want a kiwi fruit!

Well, why don't you just say
the pig's genuine?

How would fraud help his reputation?

Well, if it's in tatters anyway,
why not take the ten grand?

I mean, it's not like
me guaranteeing the Brough.

What?

I'm still building my reputation.
I can't afford to take chances.

- What guarantee?
- I've been offered this vintage bike.

And it'll make £8,000 easy.
And I've only had to put up three.

You won't regret it, Lovejoy.

Lawrence of Arabia
died on a Brough Superior.

Was he driving? You spent £3,000
of my money on a motorbike?

Yeah, but it's not just any old motorbike.
It's from the golden age of touring.

I mean, can't you picture it?

The Charleston, moonshine,

you driving through the night
with a flapper on the back.

- Hey? It's a dream machine.
- It's a nightmare.

He's given his word.
He can't break a promise.

Why not? He breaks everything else.

- Grape?
- No. I want a coat hanger.

You know, I've been thinking. If we're
going to have to rely on my reputation,

I think I should have a title.

You know, like junior partner
or trainee manager.

You know, a name
that explains what I am.

I know one that explains you perfectly.

- What?
- Eric. Just plain Eric.

Coat hanger?

Eric!

Eric, this... is a coat hanger.

And this... is a book.

The Seven Pillars Of Wisdom
by TE Lawrence.

A first edition.
I've had it since National Service.

He had the same rank as me,
Lawrence of Arabia.

- You were a colonel?
- That was his wartime rank.

When he came home
he cast all privilege aside,

changed his name, joined up
as a simple private in the Tank Corps.

The lowest of the low.

Huh! Right, the lowest of the low,
the same rank as you.

- Let's have a look, then.
- Then he went back to the RAF.

I was too young to have known him,
of course,

but I knew several fellows who did.

He was a funny beggar.

Practically defeated the Turks
single-handed at Mesopotamia.

Became the biggest hero in the world
after World War One.

Then enlisted to clean RAF latrines.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, fascinating.
But what about the bike?

Oh, he had more than one.

He was the original biker.

They say he did
more than 30,000 miles a year.

That's what makes his death
so suspicious.

A biker has an accident.
What's suspicious about that?

Just went into a skid
on an open road in clear weather.

- Practically on his own front doorstep.
- Well, I've seen you do that, walking.

He was a fascinating fellow, all the same.

No, thanks.
And I'll tell you something else.

And I got this from his batman,

a man who'd scrubbed his back
for 20 years, so he should know.

Lawrence of Arabia wasn't.

Hm.

Wasn't?

Wasn't what?

Lovejoy! Lovejoy, wake up!

They're here.

It is a nightmare.

Have you ever had an itch
that won't go away? I've got two of them.

One to the left of my ankle,
the other one right here.

Flat Fee Lee. Went to see Sir Desmond
behind my back.

Now, Clark's buyers, they don't know
terracotta from spaghetti ricotta

but they've got a bank full of money

and they want a piece of history
to hang in their hall. A genuine piece.

I couldn't mislead anyone
like that, could I?

But I know a man who can.

If Lee says the pig's genuine,
we all stand to make a profit -

Clark for the sale,
Lee for the provenance

and me, keeping my mouth shut.

I could even come away from this
with my reputation intact.

Wake up. They're here.

Sir Desmond.

You promised me your personal
attention, not your personal assistants.

I want you to give me a provenance,
not that man.

There's the itch. You see my problem?

Gentlemen.

These are the buyers.

Uh... this is Mr. Chow Chi-Kai
from the Bank of Nanking.

And that is his translator.

Mr. Chow expresses his condolences.

He says you are fortunate
the Chinese invented medicine.

Immensely.

So, what is your opinion of the piece?

Confused.

You must know other experts in the field.
Why me?

You have a reputation.

You may not be Christie's
but I hear you have a... nose.

And I am assured... that you are honest.

Thank you.

Well...
Iooks like warring states, doesn't it?

A terracotta burial ornament
from the 5th century BC.

It's a fake.

Please, Mr. Lovejoy, you're sure?
Sir Desmond is...

It's a 14th-century fake.

It's like everything else -
gunpowder, printing, bottled water -

Chinese did it first.

Mr. Chow says you left out silk,
astronomy, canals and steel.

Don't forget antique collecting.

I think perhaps we shall.
Good day, Sir Desmond.

No, don't go. Not yet.
The pig, give me the pig.

So, Lawrence did have an SS100.

This can't be the bike he died on.

Goodbye, 8,000 quid.

And he customized his, too. Look.

Pillion pad. Fly screen.
Special switch on the handlebars.

- Alloy cover over the Magdyno.
- Looks pretty similar to me.

Apart from the fact that it's got
a totally different engine

- and a longer frame, yeah.
- And an extra one of those.

- Forks.
- Forks.

Except this isn't a fork,
it's his swagger stick.

Cos Lawrence liked everything just so.

He even kept his small change
in the filler cap.

One and six for a gallon of petrol.

Which is just about what that's worth.

Well...

With this length of frame,
with this pillion,

and a side-valve engine,

there is no way
that anyone is going to believe

that this is Lawrence of Arabia's bike.

Well, what is it worth?

About 8,000.

He bent the handlebars, too,
when he went over the top.

Oh, and you know what else I found out?
There was an eyewitness.

Saw everything. A Corporal Catchpole.
We could have been related.

Oh, God!

Nobody move.

Jane... very carefully,
hand me that piece of paper.

It's... it's one yuan.

- A Chinese bank bill.
- From the 12th century.

Bugger me.

Circulating government note
of the Sung empire.

And the denomination, one yuan.

There's a penalty of disembowelment
for counterfeiting. And the date.

- Is it very rare?
- It's unique.

There are illustrations in Chinese records

of notes of about this age.

Marco Polo saw them.
But these days there are no specimens.

At least someone finds it funny.

Mr. Chow says
current treasure of the Hang-Wu era.

I suppose it loses something
in the translation.

There are ideograms
inside the terracotta.

It's the forger's joke.

Currency was marked "current treasure".
And then the period.

Of course the pig is no treasure at all
with this mark.

It's like finding Fergie's head
on a Penny Black.

By the time the pig was made,

the bank note was no longer legal tender.

After 1126 no more were printed.

So, how much is it worth?

Well, more than the pig.

More than the Penny Black.
It's priceless.

Is it genuine?

How else would it end up
in a 14th-century fake?

Here is a reference to the bank note.

And here... a remark about the emperor.

It loses something in the translation.

It's the forger's signature.

And I thought it was just a legend.

And you had to throw away £1,000
to find him.

I'm not a gambling man, Lovejoy.

I've got no luck at all.

But it seems, Sir Desmond... you do.

Eight inches by four inches.

A border of stylized dragons
and arabesques.

Square seal in vermilion.

That's it! Oh, thank God.

You should smash things more often.

Is it really worth a million or is Lovejoy
just talking up his finder's fee?

It's one of a kind. It's worth whatever
the bank's prepared to pay for it.

Wouldn't we get more for it
if we put it up for auction?

Sir Desmond won't hear of it.
I can't say I blame him.

The bank's a perfect buyer.

It's like offering Mozart manuscripts
to an orchestra.

- What?
- Mozart.

Hardly. Oh, that noise!

All we had to do was find a buyer.

And now it's in 1,000 pieces
all over the floor.

- I thought you said you were pushed.
- Not the pig. Eric's motorbike.

He won't listen to a word I...

to a word I say.

At least he's stopped the music.

Just try gently.

Would you show me again,
if I ask you nicely?

Lovejoy, if you don't take this seriously,
you may never walk properly again.

I don't intend to.

Once I get my finder's fee
I intend to employ a chauffeur.

- Can you drive?
- Up!

Crutches.

Leg.

Leg.

Right leg.

Lovejoy, try.

I can't.

Lovejoy!

- An advance.
- Hardly.

An advance.

Hardly. Ah, just the job.

Now...

What do you think?

- These are all the pieces?
- Uh-huh.

That's it, then.

Well, apart from the breaks we made
there's not a mark on.

So... the pig has never been opened.

The note was inside the pig when
it was made, as the inscription says.

- Thank you.
- And my finder's fee?

If you think I'm paying you, you're crazy.

You destroyed my property.

And made you a very rich man
in the process.

Oh, marvelous.
I suppose if you burgled my house,

which I consider quite possible,

you'd ask for the insurance money.

The agreement was two per cent
commission on the sale price.

Ah. On the pig. Ah!

As it happens, there it is.

Take 100 percent.

Now, that is an advance.

Eric.

Eric?

Miss Glendenning's here.

Oh, bloody hell,
I hope she doesn't want to come in here.

We wondered if we could come in,
Natasha and I.

Just a minute!

What's he up to in there?

What have you been doing to my bike?

Hello, I was gonna ring you.

- You've taken the engine out!
- I was just giving it a bit of a clean.

- With a hacksaw?
- Uh, well, it was nothing major.

- You've taken the wheels off!
- Yeah. Yeah, I know.

- And the forks!
- I know, but it's not what you think.

- And the petrol tank!
- Yeah. Yeah, look, come here.

- You...
- Come here and listen for a moment.

Now, I think we can make
something really special of this bike.

D'you remember what you said about
Lawrence of Arabia?

- Yeah.
- Right. Well, I've got a...

Yes, it's a fake.

All the tests on the pig
confirm that it's genuine.

A genuine fake.

- Well, it's a 14th-century copy of...
- Ow!

It's even better than
a Xi'an Dong Ling Tse.

We're a bank. Now we have
our own Sung dynasty bank note.

The London office is buzzing.

Beijing has no original yuan.

And we've got no original finder's fee.

Well, that is something
between you and Sir Desmond.

- Who's provenancing the note?
- We are. Oh, but it's academic.

- The inscription guarantees it.
- Have you checked the X-rays

- on the terracotta?
- Oh, yes.

It was in perfect condition
before the accident

and 14th century, as you said.

And the bank note?
You've carbon-dated the paper?

And destroy a part of the note?

Mr. Chow would explode.

Besides, there's the forger's mark.
Current treasure.

The note was in the pig.
It's like finding a fortune cookie.

And losing a f... ortune.

We are grateful to you both.

Paper money that old is extremely rare.

The new stuff doesn't grow on trees,
either.

We cannot get a payment to you
authorized through the bank. I'm sorry.

But Mr. Chow thought...

Well, he wanted me to give you...

He thought it might be a good idea if...

Come on, out with it, out with it.

- What's he sent us?
- Some... fresh bamboo shoots.

As a matter of fact.

I don't care who he is.
He's still a stupid prat!

Quiet, please.
This is a hospital, not a trade fair.

- I'm sorry.
- Just keep the noise down.

What next?
Egg fried rice and prawn crackers?

You can stick your bamboo shoots!

That's exactly what Mr. Chow thought.

For your itch.

Neither of you thought of that.

Oh...

Hoo... It's fantastic!

Oh, ho, ho.

Everybody else brought me flowers.

- Shall I fetch a vase?
- Yes, please.

Plenty of water.
We don't want the leaves to drop off.

Eric. Eric!

Eric. We've been checking into that...
old bank note for Lovejoy.

Looks like quite a find.

Tinker.

Eric...

we're a little concerned...

about this old motorbike
that you want to sell.

Where is it?

- Here.
- Ah.

And here. And here.
And the wheels are over here.

Well, so he hasn't lost it.

Look, I've told you, I know what I'm doing.

Lovejoy always said
I should have my own field.

That was before
you drove him into the middle of one.

- Look, I've told you...
- Now, now, you two.

We've got a business to run between us.
We must all pull together.

- Or else there'll be no business left.
- Yeah.

Now, according to this book,

this bank note that Jane... found
at the hospital is fascinating.

It's the right size, the right stamps.

We'd have to have a carbon test
nowadays, of course.

Numismatics is a precise science.
Would you like to look?

No, thanks.
I couldn't do the old mismatics. Heh, heh.

Numismatics has to do with money.

Well, then, you'd know all about it, then,
wouldn't you, Lady Jane?

Thank you, Eric.

We thought we might bring in an expert
on Chinese numismatics, Eric.

And look whose name heads the list.

Sir Desmond Clark.

Victorian florins.

- Are these easy to get hold of?
- They're all over the place.

- A bit like this bike.
- Yeah. Well...

I'll need a bit more money to sort it out.

How much?

About two florins.
And a British Army swagger stick.

So, what am I supposed to do
with these?

Run out and find a panda.

Right...

- What's all this?
- I'm going to cure your itch.

Maybe I could learn to live with it.

Now, keep still, Lovejoy.

- What does that do?
- Haven't you heard of microsurgery?

Ooh... Aa-aah...

We're in luck. Ha-ha!

He only wants 200 for it.

You already had an engine. Why did
you have to smash up the first one?

Well, it was an antique, wasn't it?

Worth thousands of pounds.
Obviously, I'm gonna smash it to pieces.

- Did I question your judgment?
- Huh!

Oh, cheer up, it's only money.
It's not as if he was attached to it.

Unlike his legs.

The consultant's very pleased with you.

Of course,
he doesn't have to work on the ward.

And he'd be pleased with anyone
who's a friend of Sir Desmond Clark.

Contacts in high places
and rapid recovery.

You're beginning to look like
the perfect patient.

What's the prize? A free operation?

No, no, you're the prize.

The mark of a good surgeon
is that he doesn't leave one,

so who notices?

But with Sir Desmond around
it gives my boss someone to impress.

I know what you mean.

I once renovated a Regency staircase
for a family of real philistines.

Waste of time until I met the nanny.

- What, she understood antiques?
- No, she lived upstairs.

There's no hole.

I can't see the hole in the plaster
where you drilled out the bamboo.

Well, that's microsurgery.
It wouldn't show up on an X-ray.

The mark of a good surgeon
is he doesn't leave one.

I don't know why Lovejoy sent you.

My dealings with him are over

and I never had any...
business with you in the first place.

This is quite a collection.

Are these Xi'an Dong Ling Tse or fakes?

They're all 14th century.

And you've never been tempted
to open them up?

Be careful with that!

They'd make quite a piggy-bank.
Perhaps enough to cover our finder's fee.

We've been through all that.

Is this a threat?

Are you trying to put the squeeze on me?

What a disgusting prospect.

You idiot!

Oh... I'll sue you.

Get out! Both of you! Out!

Right. It's all yours.

Up, down.

Left, right.

Great.

- How do you spell "Kilroy"?
- Just make sure it's in Chinese.

Eric, I never thought I'd say this,

but you really know what you're doing.

Thank you, Natasha.

You can see now why I couldn't stop
when you asked me to.

Mm. I never imagined
it could be like this.

Well, you've never had more than
a bit of touching up before, have you?

I hope we haven't gone too far.
I mean, you're sure it's safe?

Well, it's a lot safer
than an... antique trike

with half the nuts missing... Natasha.

And, as you say, I know what I'm doing.

Would you uh... like a biscuit?

I don't care how many visitors he's got!

It's the visitors he
sends that I object to.

He's trying to rest.

Yes. Yes, he's trying to wrest
£60,000 from me...

by the worst kind of extortion.

That's the courtesies over with.

Sir Desmond, what are you doing here?

I've come to stop these people
destroying my property!

You mean this property?

- It can't be.
- Take a look.

Yes. It's my pig.

Jane, you told me you found it
at Xi'an Dong Ling Tse.

They stole it from my collection!

It's a 14th-century copy.

It's mine.

Now all you need...
is somebody to smash it for you.

It's a motorbike!

Oh, for heaven's sake.
We didn't invent motorbikes.

The symbol for bone. And for china.

- Bone china?
- My tibia. Your bank.

If you buy the one-yuan note,
they'll both be broke.

- How did this happen?
- Same way we cured Lovejoy's itch.

Microsurgery.

In my opinion, the one-yuan is a forgery.

I think it should be carbon dated.
Don't you?

Ooh! Agh.

Ooh... It's my ankle.

If anything's broken, Sir Desmond,

I'm sure Dr. Pilger
would be delighted to help.

Air... at last.

I don't know
what he's got to complain about.

He's been in bed a week.
He's normally very keen on that.

Not when I'm immobile
from the waist down.

- It could wreck his reputation.
- What about his professional reputation?

He's just prevented
an international swindle.

His standing's never been so high.

My standing
has never been more painful, Eric.

- Eric...
- Calm down, Lovejoy.

Eric can handle this.

- Where's the bike?
- It's round the back.

- D'you want a coffee or tea or anything?
- I see it now.

Fair enough. Natasha!

- Who's this?
- She's the owner of Eric's Brough.

Part owner. I'm just not sure which part.

Mein Gott. It is.

- Is what?
- It's... an SS100, as you said.

- 19...
- 32.

- He's noticed the dent.
- Dent?

We were gonna straighten that out.

We think someone
must have come over the handlebars.

Someone.

Oh, we can take that off for you.
It's been customized.

- By someone.
- Yeah, probably.

He put a pillion pad
on the rear mudguard.

Extra fork.

Except that's not a fork. It's a stick.

- A British Army swagger stick.
- Well, there you are, then.

- Probably belonged to um...
- Someone.

It's no good.
We can't go on with this pretence.

- Oh, why can't we?
- Because he'll find out eventually.

Oh, go on then, Eric. Tell him.

There's a rattle in the fuel tank.

- Where did you find this machine?
- It's mine. I'm from Bovington in Dorset.

- D'you know it?
- Near the old army camp?

Quite near, yeah.

- You had a price in mind?
- I think we should renovate it first.

- Or just use it for spares.
- 30,000, take it or leave it.

- How much?
- Ow!

I don't believe it.

All right. 33. But that's my final offer.

Done.

I get my checkbook... Mr. Catchpole.

"Mr. Catchpole"?

As long as you don't expect
everyone to call you Mr. Catchpole.

Oh, no, Eric will do. Plain, old Eric.

Of Arabia. Heh heh heh.