Lovejoy (1986–1994): Season 3, Episode 2 - Out to Lunch - full transcript

Well, not so much of a guy,
more of a girl, actually.

Freddy the Phone, my absentee landlord,
called from Spain.

Would I housesit for the rest of the year?

Business premises included.

- What's all this?
- Management meeting.

And as MD,
you should be in the chair, Lovejoy.

Roped you in as well?

This Dalrymple job, worth a mint.
It's a whole house, you know.

Oh, I'm very beholden to you, Janey.

- Yvonne Dalrymple is a very good friend.
- You told me that. Could murder a cuppa.

Tea and biscuits at 11:15.



Right.

Now, before we start, I'll need your P45.

Now we've reformed the group as Lovejoy
Associates, we've got to be business-like.

Right? Right? Right.

Excuse me, Eric.
Where did he get this from?

- From his girlfriend.
- She's an economist.

She's a PhD.

Ah, I see. Carry on.

We're wasting time.

From now on,
things are going to be done properly.

Fiscally responsible.

I'm all in favor.

Might save me from having
to dip into my ever dwindling capital.

Now, by rights we should start
with the company secretary -



that's me -
reading the minutes of the last meeting.

- What's stopping you?
- There are no minutes.

In fact there was no last meeting.
In fact there was no meeting at all.

Tricky.

So we shall move on to item three
on the agenda - financial planning.

Now, I've contacted the bank...

- What?
- I've contacted the bank.

You don't contact the bank.
They contact us, if they can find us.

I should tell you, Lovejoy,
that Lady Jane approves.

The bank's small business advisor
is going to come and see us.

- How small?
- Lovejoy, no, I'm sorry, flippancy is out.

- This small?
- It's out.

- This small?
- Out.

I'm sorry, Eric,
I thought business was fun.

If we open an account with them,
we get free banking for the first year

if we stay in credit.

What do you mean?
We've never been in credit.

The banks have credit, not their customers.

Lovejoy, I haven't chucked in a career
in security with substantial prospects

to fanny around being the office boy.

Right then, you see Tiny Tim from the bank.

Take whatever it is he has to offer,
be it a free camera, a calculator,

a free membership to the Ethiopian RAC.

- I'm off.
- Where to?

That's none of your business. You all know
I do not work on Friday afternoons.

Lovejoy, the Dalrymples.
You said you'd be there.

- I will.
- An entire house to furnish.

The M25 is jammed solid, poor sods.

And the forecast, kids, is peachy.

- Whey-hey!
- I should have warned you, Victoria.

A weekend with Teddy
and Monday will seem pure pleasure.

With all this grub and booze?
You don't fool me.

- Essex need another 15.
- Cricket? Urgh!

Can't appreciate it
unless you've played it.

I have and I still say, "Cricket, urgh!"

Hello.

- They wouldn't let you land that in New York.
- They should be so lucky.

Lovejoy. Edward Carr. Welcome to Manderley.

Oh, yes, the film buff.

Should it rain, I promise you the hoariest
collection of old videos in East Anglia.

Laura, minus the last ten minutes.
Do you remember Laura?

Just getting exciting then bang, they're
running out the covers at Wimbledon.

That can be pretty exciting too, you know.

Lovejoy. Was it you making that din?

No, it was him.

- This is Diana. Diana, Lovejoy.
- Hello.

Hello, Diana.

Would you like to show Lovejoy his room?

With pleasure.

- Is that it?
- A master of disguise.

- Did you have a good week?
- I saw you on Wednesday.

Seems longer.

I wonder if he knows much about Meissen.

- Teddy, it's the weekend.
- So?

If he was a plumber,
would you ask him about the cistern?

Yes.

They're solicitors, both of them.

- Yours?
- No, they represent Janey and Alex.

They're coming tomorrow.

Hm.

A-ha. Very nice. Where's your room?

I'm down the landing.

Hm, just in case.

- In case what?
- I sleepwalk.

- Is that a promise?
- Mmm.

Hey.

- Janey.
- Hello, darling.

- Lovejoy.
- Hello, Janey.

- You left me with the Dalrymples yesterday.
- Janey, please, no shop, not at the weekend.

Oh.

You coming biking with us?

Matters of paperwork.
Have to get it finished.

Alex, you're not getting away from it all,
you're bringing it all with you.

Some of us have to work, Lovejoy.

- We must talk.
- Talk? I can hardly breathe.

About the Dalrymples.

Later, Janey, later.

Janey, I left my mascara behind.

Here you are.

Well, I've heard of pale
and interesting but...

Come here.

There, that's better.

Oh, yes, much.

I think so.

- What does Alex think?
- Oh, he's never here to notice.

Too busy cooking up something in Hong Kong.

Dim sum.

Isn't this all rather tame?
Weekend in the country, cycle riding.

Lovejoy says Aldeburgh's like Peyton Place.

- He would, wouldn't he?
- He makes me laugh.

Bucks fizz, anyone?

- Desert Island Discs in 20 minutes.
- Oh.

No one wants lunch, do they?

- Nice bath?
- Fabulous.

- Phone didn't ring, did it?
- No, it'll be about 3am in Hong Kong.

Yes.

Oh.

- It's exhausting, isn't it?
- Doing nothing? Always said it was lethal.

No, it was that bike.

Oh, talk about killing the fatted calves.

- Where are you off to?
- Looking for Lovejoy.

Oh. He has a new toy.

Yes, and we have a business to run.

Lovejoy?

As soon as you get bored, switch everything
off, lock up and give the keys to Ella.

Will do and thanks again.

- Loved Lovejoy.
- I'll tell him.

Bye, Teddy.

- Ah, Monday morning.
- Straight after Sunday.

Gosh, life's predictable, Janey.

- Lots to do this week.
- Lots to do.

We're meeting the Dalrymples at 10.
I'll pick you up.

Splendid.

- Sketch out what we have in mind.
- Fantastic.

I'll pick you up, 9:45 at the cottage.

Ja, mon capitaine.

- Goodbye, Janey.
- Bye-bye.

- Take care.
- Bye, Alex.

Drive carefully.

See you later.

- Forget something?
- Breakfast.

He drove off five minutes before we did.
He can't have vanished.

- No sign of him on the road?
- Of course not.

Oh, he's just irresponsible,
totally irresponsible.

The Dalrymples are bloody good clients.

It's probably trouble with Miriam,
that's what it'll be.

We would have seen him, passed him.
There's only one road.

He hasn't been feeling
good in himself all week.

Well, that's right. I said to you
he looked a bit peaky, didn't I?

That's right. You said
he looked a bit peaky, didn't you?

Peaky? Oh, come on, boys.

This weekend he cycled,
climbed trees, rode, swam.

God knows what he did at night.

I'll drive up to the Dalrymples.
When he calls, tell him to join me.

- And what if he don't?
- Tell him he'll need a new partner.

You smell beautifully warm.

What is it?
A little room temperature Chanel or...

a well chambred Nina Ricci, hm?

I haven't worn Chanel for years.

When I was 20, I knew 'em all.

- Nose like a gundog.
- There weren't so many in those days.

No, no, no, no.

- Shouldn't we answer it?
- No, it's not for us.

How do you know?

I'm a divvy. I know these things.

Ah, Yvonne.

- How are you?
- Worried.

- We said the 14th, you know.
- I know.

- You're sure you'll be through by then?
- Oh, quite sure.

It must be ready, Jane.

The builders finish on Saturday.
The invitations have gone out.

- Abi's booked a flight from Sydney.
- It will be ready, don't worry.

- Where's Mr. Lovejoy?
- Um, I think he's looking at a piece.

I did enjoy our little chat together.
Keen on Sheraton, isn't he?

- He did rather promise...
- There is only so much.

Well, I realize.

But I do have your
guarantee about the 14th?

Absolutely.

Good egg.

Routine tests, they said,
then they took her into hospital.

Next thing I knew she'd...

- I'm terribly sorry.
- Wasn't much of a life.

Husband never came back from Korea.

I'm her only relative.

Well, the problem is, Mr. Reynolds,
that we don't really do house clearances.

Oh, I see.

Well, there's no point
in wasting your time, then.

Only the vicar did
mention the name Lovejoy.

Morning, all.

Excuse me, Mr. Reynolds.

What are you doing here? You should be
with Lady Jane. Hopping mad, she is.

Relax, Eric, relax.

- Good morning.
- Morning.

This is Mr. Reynolds. His sister's passed
on and he wants us to empty the house.

- But I was just explaining...
- That it's not our scene. I'm sorry.

We deal with more legitimate antiques.

So your partner told me.

There are one or two nice things
among the dross.

Really?

Yes, there's a Victorian lowboy,

a couple of Kilims.

Some porcelain and... salt glaze.

- Is that what they call it?
- Yes.

It wouldn't take long if
you could spare an hour.

I'm afraid I'm run off my feet
but why don't you take my partner?

Eric? Excuse us, Mr. Reynolds.

Eric, you're always going on
about more responsibility.

You deal with this. Take Tink.

- Lovejoy.
- I'll give you a float.

- Two grand.
- All right.

If it's a question of transport,
I'd be happy to drive you.

Oh, no, no, no. We'll follow you.

- Don't forget Lady Jane.
- Everything's under control, partner.

- Hope we can be of assistance, Mr. Reynolds.
- Thank you, you're most kind.

- Lovejoy Antiques, wait for the beep.
- Thank you.

Lovejoy, Jane. I'm at the Dalrymples.
Where are you?

- Where the hell have you been?
- Janey, Janey, Janey.

And old client's sister died. It's a
sad story, we'll talk about it later.

- Now what do we have to do?
- Fill it.

- All of it?
- By the 14th.

- Sh...
- Exactly.

- Have you time to glance around?
- I've always got time for you.

I just have to be at an auction by two.

- In Aberdeen?
- I do love a woman with a sense of humor.

I've noticed.

I hadn't the heart to move them.

- Some neighbor brought them.
- Really?

That's one of the Kilims.

It's more...

Grandpa Reynolds brought it back
after the Great War.

- Gallipoli.
- That was the start of the Persian rug craze.

So how do you want
to work this then, Mr. Reynolds?

I've no idea. I'll be guided by you.

Well, I suggest
that my man and I take a quick shufti,

note anything of interest
and then we'll talk.

That's fine by me.

Do you have any silver?

No idea.

- How much do your reckon the frame's...
- 50 quid?

25.

How much?

- About four.
- £4,000?

- Four.
- Oh.

- Who are these people?
- Sweepers, runners, myths.

- Punters. It's got a language all of its own.
- So I'm learning.

You got an eye glass, Tink?

If I've got my trousers on,

I've got my eye glass.

Who was the bloke
who made the original Tobys?

Wood, Ralph Wood.

Uh, and these, I take it, aren't.

Uh, no.

Charles Noakes, 20th century revival.

And value?

I thought you were going
to tell me that, boss.

You're the expert. It says £80 to 100.

It can't be worth that, surely?

The price is the figure it's sold at.
The value is what it's worth to the owner.

Quite often the two
have nothing to do with each other.

Lovejoy, I've found
a beautiful Victorian mourning ring.

It's gold with a little band...
You've found something?

- Yeah.
- You're joking. What?

Lot 17.

Lot 17...

- "A collection of reproductions, various.
- £15"

Are you sure?

Little problem.
I'm a might well known.

- That's a grand total of, what, 1400?
- 14.

- That's not so grand.
- These aren't vintage years.

Nobody's going to buy a Picasso print
when they should be buying shepherd's pie.

Only 80 for the jugs?

Each.

- Is that as high as you can go?
- I'm afraid so.

- They're Royal Doulton.
- Chipped Royal Doulton.

I hadn't noticed.

And... Well, the Kilims?

No, sorry.

What about that watercolor over the bed?

Look, I'll tell you what I'll
do, Mr. Reynolds.

I'll take the Kilims and the watercolor
off your hands, and I'll pay cash.

Cash, mind you. No promissory notes,
no backdated checks. Cash.

1500 quid in cash.

That's my last word.

- How much?
- 12.

Oh, you clever girl.

Come on, I'll show you.

- Rubbish, rubbish.
- Wait...

No, this is all junk. There we are.

What does it say?

Beckwith.

- Lionel Beckwith.
- Who's he?

He is, was, one of the leading East
Anglian contemporary landscape painters.

Is that saying much?

Constable, Chrome, Churchyard -
the Norwich School's a rich tradition.

- What are they worth?
- I don't know, about 2-3,000.

- You just made £3,000 in ten minutes.
- Sh.

- £3,000 in ten minutes and 25 years.
- I'm still impressed.

- Are you?
- Yes.

- Lovejoy Associates, Eric speaking.
- Eric, it's me. How did you get on?

- Cracking. We got some great stuff.
- Well, tell, tell.

- Well, a couple of rugs.
- Kilims?

And some porcelain
and a very nice chest of drawers, a lowboy,

a Victorian coal bucket, helmet-shaped,

and a Dutch pewter wine flagon.

Tinker reckons that's worth 250 quid.

- Sounds good. How much did you pay?
- That's the best bit.

- How much?
- Terrific value.

- How much?
- You'll never guess.

- How much?
- 1500.

You did do well.

Tinker reckons it's worth at least 3,000.

- When do you pick it up?
- We're doing it now. I borrowed a van.

The butcher wanted 10 quid for it,
I knocked him down to 5.

- You are getting a taste for this, Eric.
- 0h, uh, Lady Jane left a message.

I've called Janey,
everything's under control. Ciao for now.

- What?
- Telling porky pies.

To stop them worrying.
I don't want them involved.

Have you ever seen Jane in full flight?
It's not pretty.

Once at school she was expecting to get an
A grade in O-Level Latin and she got a C.

She split the blackboard
from top to bottom with her forehead.

Still, you're a hard-headed lot,

aristocracy.

- Drink up.
- Why? Where are we going?

- I'm taking you to one of my auctions.
- Ooh.

God, that smell reminds me of when I used
to work in a slaughterhouse with my dad.

We'll start with the chest
and then the lowboy.

- We'll do it all in one load, no problem.
- Hello.

Good...

Who are you?

That's rich.
I'm Elsie Barratt, I live here.

Who are you?

Live here? But you're supposed to be...
Where's Mr. Reynolds?

Who?

Your brother.

I haven't got a brother.

I never had one.

Where were you, Mrs. Barratt, earlier on?

In hospital. I've been there
for a couple of nights.

Strip and tie.

Varicose veins.

Ambulance brought me home.

The photo's gone.

- What photo?
- He took it with him.

And the lilies.

1500 quid.

At 4,244.

At 4,4. 4,6. At 4,600. Yes. 4,8.

At 4,800 I have. What about 5,000 across?

5,000, thank you, sir. At 5,000 guineas.

Bid me more. At 5,000.
He's worth a bit more than this, surely.

5,2. At 5,200. 5,4...

- How old are these things?
- They're two-year-olds.

5,6. 5,8.

At 5,800. 6,000 bid.

At 6,000 guineas. He's on the market.
I sell him to you across.

He's done us. We've been conned, Tink.

So it would appear.

Damn, damn, damn!

- What's Lovejoy going to say?
- Something short and pithy.

He'll flay us alive.

Us?

Look, where do you think he is?

- Lovejoy?
- Reynolds.

Having breakfast in Singapore.

You can get a long way on 1500.

Cash as well.

The first time he trusts me.

At 8,400. Any advance anywhere?

At 8,400. The best bidder has him at 8,400.

Mr. Peters is it?
Thank you very much, sir. 8,4.

- Bit on the leg.
- Pardon.

- Legs are slightly out of proportion.
- I thought you meant he had an extra one.

Let's go.

- We've only just got here.
- Time to leave.

Lovejoy?

Do you want the other half?

- Pills.
- Do you want a bottle of Pils?

Sleeping pills.

I can't face Lovejoy.

I was in the army with a bloke
who tried to top himself once.

How'd he do it?

Well, after a great deal of thought,
he settled on hanging.

Hanging?

Hm. He found a tree with a branch
that stretched right out above the sea.

- Spectacular.
- And to save himself pain,

he took an overdose of pills.

Not leaving anything to chance, was he?

And just to make trebly sure,
he decided to shoot himself.

Well, what happened?

Well, he slipped the noose around his neck,

cocked the pistol, swallowed the pills

and stepped out over the cliff.

And?

Well, the jerk of the rope ruined his aim.

The bullet missed his head, cut the rope in
half, he dropped like a stone into the sea,

swallowed so much salt water
that he vomited up the pills

and swam back to shore
a better and a wiser man.

Last I heard he was growing
chrysanths in Yarmouth.

Do you think
there's a moral in there somewhere?

Tink?

Open this.

- Lovejoy.
- In a minute, Eric.

- No, it's important.
- So is this, Eric.

- No, look...
- Eric! I'm sorry, I'm thrilled for you.

You've done marvels.

I remember my first big win.
You never really forget it, do you?

We've come up on a treble chance.
Take a butcher's at those.

And 500 quid you saved me.

- Ah, yeah, right.
- Much appreciated.

- What do you think, Tink?
- They're Beckwiths.

Not done much in watercolor.

- Sketches.
- That's what I thought.

- How much?
- 12 quid.

- 12 quid?
- In with a load of junk.

- Somebody's slipped up.
- Some poor devil.

- Either very thick or very unlucky.
- Lovejoy...

Eric, I know I'm not saying much
but I really am very appreciative.

I thought I'd offer them to Janey.

But the Dalrymples want oils.

How about your friend Deborah?
When's that gallery opening?

Hang on a minute.

- Thursday night, wine and cheese...
- Thursday night.

Right, give Deborah first offer.
Might help get her launched.

- That's very noble of you.
- I'm in a very noble mood these days.

I don't want to spoil your mood
but have you talked to Jane?

I'll talk to her. She knows I'm grafting.
Beckwiths don't grow on trees.

- Apparently they do at 12 quid for four.
- Well, they're three grand to Deborah.

- OK?
- Possible.

- Must rush.
- Lovejoy...

Eric, I know, tomorrow morning
I'll see all the stuff.

Dutch wine flagon.
Don't think I've ever seen one of those.

You done great. The lad done terrific.

Keep at it.
No rest for the wicked. Must dash.

- My God, they're Beckwiths.
- Do you like them.

They're wonderful.

- What about a certificate of provenance?
- They're all signed.

- Pop 'em in the window.
- How much?

- 5,000.
- Oh.

- I couldn't raise that.
- Banks are pretty amenable these days.

- Well, mine isn't. Two.
- We're not running a charity.

It's been a hell of a month. You'd
think I was decorating Windsor Castle.

Four.

I can't, Tink. Honestly, it's too much.

Three.

I've never seen him like this.

He's never been like this.
He's besotted.

I can't even tell him I've lost his money.

- What money?
- His money.

My money.

The money.

1500 smackers down the Suwannee.

Jane, I've just seen Reg's study.
It's coming along awfully well.

- Oh, I'm glad you're pleased.
- Yes, it's suddenly coming together.

I like the table and the chairs.

Still a lot to do, though.
Seems awfully bare.

Minimalist.

Where's your chap Lovejoy?

He's, uh... doing the local sales.

Buying a horse, is he?

Furniture.

Just my little joke.
We thought we saw him in Newmarket.

Oh, no, no.

Reg is set on Sheraton, you know.

Well, we'll see.

Good. Keep up the good work.

I don't suppose
there's any chance of an advance?

Advance?

He was saying we've made a big advance.

Yes, that's right.
Looks lovely, what there is of it.

Still make the 14th, won't we?

Good show!

Newmarket!

For decent furniture,
he should have been in Cambridge.

It shouldn't be me that says it, Lady Jane,
but you brought her here.

- Who?
- Victoria.

- Eric.
- It is true.

I've thought about it myself.

It always happens like that,

just as things are going smoothly.

What does?

An angel piddles in your beer.

Poor old Eric.

I felt the same when I
lost my Auntie Millie.

So, your first gallery.
You must be thrilled to pieces.

I am. It's been a lot of hard work
as you can imagine.

- But you've got quite a good crowd here.
- Well, I have, I must say.

And everybody's talking
about these Beckwiths.

Ooh. Have you told him yet?

All right, all right,
I'm trying to catch him, aren't I?

Debs, how are the Beckwiths?
Paying for themselves?

- They're a great draw, caused a great stir.
- Yeah?

- Lots of interest.
- Good. Victoria?

You don't know her.
Deborah Frobisher, Victoria Cavero.

- Sounds Spanish.
- My late husband.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

Jane, you look fabulous. What a great
outfit. Makes you look ten years younger.

Well, nearly ten years
since you last saw me.

See, Alex? You try and be nice,
pay them a compliment...

- It was appreciated.
- Good.

- I like the Beckwiths.
- Hm. You thought I was playing hooky.

Yes, didn't I?

I'd better see the Simpsons,
catch him while he's still sober.

Victoria, darling, would you mind?

Ever since you mentioned it, the Dalrymples
have set their heart on Sheraton.

Well, it's not easy.
He's not doing much these days.

It was a joke, Jane. I'm still looking.

In Newmarket?

Lovejoy, you're not pulling your weight.

- Janey, our business relationship...
- Yours is the relationship.

Mine is the business.

- Ooh, thank you.
- You looked as if you needed it.

I do.

- Gallant of you to notice the new frock.
- Good of you to tell me.

Quiet. Can we have some hush, please?

Frobisher? Is she here?

Yes, I'm Miss Frobisher.

Ah. Now these four watercolors...

- You say they're Beckwiths.
- That's right.

- You've been diddled. They're fakes.
- I sold those to Miss Frobisher.

- And who are you?
- Lovejoy.

Oh, a dealer.

Yeah.

I take it you're an expert on Beckwith?

You've made a lifelong study of his work?

I'm not an expert, no.

No, but you once saw one on a calendar

in a hairdresser's shop
a very long time ago.

I say they're Beckwiths,
and what's more, they're signed.

The signatures are also false.

You seem to know
a hell of a lot about Beckwith.

I should do, I am Beckwith.

This is deliberate, isn't it?

Done when I have
an exhibition on in London.

Time to cause me
the maximum amount of embarrassment.

I'm very sorry, Mr. Beckwith.
I apologize sincerely.

I bought them in good faith.

Yes, well, you tell that to my solicitor.
He'll be in touch with you tomorrow.

In the meantime, take these pictures away.

Sorry, Debbie.

Come round tomorrow morning,
I'll square up with you.

I trusted you, Lovejoy.

- Can he sue?
- I don't know. Ask Ed Carr.

I still say he did them.

He's the artist, he should know.

Thank you very much, Mr. Beckwith.

Yes, is that the Guardian?

You sold your bike, Eric?

Yep.

You shouldn't have. It's your pride
and joy. It was like your firstborn.

I'm very, very touched.

1500 quid.

- You shouldn't have.
- Lovejoy?

On second thoughts, maybe you should.

- £3,000, please.
- Half now, half later.

Mr. Lovejoy, did you hear Beckwith
on the radio this morning?

- I heard enough last night.
- Story's made Fleet Street.

- Don't sound so heartbroken.
- You've dropped Miss Frobisher in it.

Right in it.

- Doesn't say a lot for your judgment.
- Not a lot.

Any comment?

You know,

I'm sure you'll think of something.

Eh?

- Syd.
- Oh, hello, Lovejoy.

Monday's auction, lot 17.

"Lot 17 -
collection of reproductions, various."

That's the very... Hold on, hold on.
How many pictures did you put up?

- Eight.
- Eight?

Well, it says so here, large as life.

Are you saying some have gone for a walk?

Quite the opposite, Sydney. I bought 12.

Funny. How do you explain that?

Good morning, sir. Can I help you?

Hello. It's quiet, isn't it?
How long's the exhibition been on?

This is the second week.

- Not many visitors, not many sales.
- Are you interested in Beckwith?

I'm fascinated but I don't know much
about him, apart from what I've read.

- The contretemps in East Anglia.
- Hm.

Let me tell you all about him.

He's exhibited at the Hayward,
the Carnegie Institute, Pittsburgh,

the Ottawa Gallery in Canada,

the Palais des Beaux-Arts in Brussels.

He did a Council tour
of New Delhi and Bombay.

- Recently?
- Mid '70s.

He has canvases in the Fitzwilliam at
Cambridge, the Walker Gallery, Liverpool,

the Gulbenkian Foundation, Lisbon...

and the Bunkamura in Tokyo.

- Well, he gets about, doesn't he?
- And he's on the Wogan show tonight.

Well, I mustn't forget...
to be out.

Still living in Suffolk, is he?

No one home.

Well, I'll say one thing -
if he's starving, he's doing it in style.

Six crates of champagne
have just been delivered.

Celebration time chez Beckwith?

A mite premature. Come on.

Let's take a snoop round the back.

Cheeky sod.

- Do you recognize it?
- Should I?

Yeah.

Definitely.

- It's not a coincidence, is it?
- No.

This is his back garden.
I mean, no one else would know it was here.

I'm convinced. Look.

There's the statue, there's the tree.

I think we've cracked it, Toby.

Beckwith, I believe these are yours.

Oh, tiresome little man,
we've done all this.

Mr. Rowlands, right?

This is his back garden.
This view can't be seen from anywhere else.

- The tree and the statue.
- Oh, really?

I suppose I put them into the auction
so you could pop along and identify them.

Mr. Beckwith,
who said anything about an auction?

That's right. Deborah bought them.
She never mentioned an auction.

Oh, all right.

I painted them. I admit it.

- It's not a crime, is it?
- Of course not.

40 years of craft, for God's sakes.

I won the Turner
before these house painters were born.

Stacking bricks in those days got you
onto a building site, not into the Tate.

- I'm on your side, Lionel.
- I was just trying to drum up some trade.

I was trying to sell some more canvases.

It's good. Very good.
What's good for you is very good for me.

What would you say
they're worth now, Mr. Rowlands?

I mean, now they're quite famous.

Well, off the top, I'd say 4,000 a piece,

- wouldn't you, Lionel?
- I don't see why not?

- Sell them for me.
- For you.

- But they're mine.
- No they're not.

They're mine. Remember the auction?
Still got the sale ticket.

But you only paid 12 quid for them.

I know. Hell of a bargain.

- There's also damages?
- What?

My solicitor, Ed Carr.

Carr, Palmer & Huntley.

Yes, slander, in front of witnesses.

What slander?

You defamed Lovejoy's
professional standing.

Defamation injurious
to professional reputation.

It isn't a criminal offence
but it's the High Court.

Judge, jury, finger bowls.

Does it have to go to court?

- Settle out of court?
- How much?

Um... that much.

That much?

But that's £35,000.

That's exactly the sum we had in mind.

Lovejoy, there's a corporate development
you don't know about.

Pray tell.

- Elsie Barratt.
- The lady who didn't die.

She called us. She had a piece
of antique furniture in an outhouse.

- Old privy, actually.
- She asked if we'd sell it for her.

- What is it?
- Secretaire bookcase.

- George III.
- Mahogany. Cuban, we thought.

- I thought.
- Tinker thought.

We had it valued at 3,500

and we split it with her.

You've sold it already?

Yes, to the Dalrymples. Remember them?
The lady you hooked on Sheraton?

- Well, they like it and it looks a treat.
- Smashing.

So you see, we've all been busy.

- I think you're all terrific.
- Thank you.

Pity about the Beckwiths,
all that good work wasted.

- Made us all look stupid.
- Speaking of Beckwiths...

Now the Dalrymples, they're really
heavily into oils, aren't they, Janey?

They should take a look at this.

- That's a Beckwith.
- Yes.

- It's a nice one.
- Isn't it a nice one, Tinker?

- How?
- Explanations later. Stick this in the till, Eric.

£12,000.

- What's that for?
- The Beckwiths.

- You mean, the Beckwiths that aren't?
- No, the Beckwiths that are.

He admitted he did them. I flogged them
to the gallery showing the exhibition.

So you were right all the time.

Well, did one ever doubt one?

4,000 a piece, Eric.

Well, then, we're 4,000 down.
It should be 16,000, not 12,000.

No, no, no, I owed Deborah 1500, right? And
another 1,000 for ruining her party, etc.

Well, then, we're still 1500 down.

Come with me, Eric.

- This is ridiculous.
- Keep those eyes closed, Eric.

- What's going on?
- Eric, faith.

Keep him coming, Tink.

- What's going on?
- Trust your friends.

Open 'em.

A Harley! Wow!

Is it for me?

Oh, Lovejoy.

- Don't forget we have a house to furnish.
- That's not till the 24th.

The 14th!

Hey!