Lovejoy (1986–1994): Season 3, Episode 11 - Members Only - full transcript

Where do you want this stuff, Lovejoy?

Eric, how many times have I told you

that we professionals do not refer to
valuable stock as "stuff"?

Lovejoy Antiques.

Yes. Freddie.

Freddie! Ah, Freddie! How are ya?

Yeah, how's business?

Well, I'm very, very pleased to hear that.

Hm? Oh, no, everything's fine here,
just fine. Yeah.

Yeah. Sorry?

Hold? Oh, certainly I'll hold.



It's Freddie, Freddie the Phone,

my entrepreneurial landlord, now living
in the sunnier climes of Espanol,

teaching the locals
to be upwardly mobile

through the use of
the portable telephone.

From my somewhat limited experience,

I've found getting a phone to function
normally out there is a novelty.

Ooh.

Yes? Yes?

Still holding, Freddie.

What's that?

A favor.

Yeah. Yeah, fire away, old friend.

Ha-ha!

The great British flintlock, Eric.



Those were the days.

My God, Tinker, you look as daft as
that bloke from It Ain't Half Hot Mum.

A great British Tommy. Back to back,

the thin red line,
defending King and country

against the onslaught
of the yellow peril. Halt!

Who goes there?

Mr. Lovejoy... I presume.

This important business friend of yours,
Arnold Featherstone -

tallish, distinguished-looking?

Mid-50s, drives a gray BMW?

Mm. Even as we speak, Freddie,
he and an Oriental gentleman

are being escorted in
by one of my security men.

Freddie, I said I'd look after the place
for you, didn't I?

Yeah, well, keep in touch.
Love to Mavis and the dog.

- Lovejoy, this is...
- Arnold Featherstone.

- Very pleased to meet you.
- I'm pleased to meet you, Mr. Lovejoy.

At ease, Tink.

May I introduce you to Mr. Kashimoto?

He's a business colleague
of Freddie and mine.

Mr. Kashimoto.

Democracy at work, gentlemen.

Featherstone won't be happy.

Rules is rules, Peter.

Rules is rules.

- Will that be all, Lovejoy, sir?
- Thank you, Catchpole.

Did Freddie explain the situation, Lovejoy?

What, that you have a rare silver cup
and you want an independent valuation?

Correct. Yes, the Pulsatilla -
that's the name of the cup -

apparently, it's a very rare piece.

Wild, it's a very rare flower.

And I understand the maker
was a Russian, a Maksim Bemochev.

Bemochev?

You familiar with his work?

Maksim Bemochev was a workmaster for
Fabergé in Moscow in the early 1900s.

This Pulsatilla cup
is not a listed Fabergé item, is it?

No, not to my knowledge, Lovejoy,
but I'm not the expert.

Where can I get such china, please?
Most amusing.

A gift, Mr. Kashimoto.

Yours to empty, yours to hold.

Most kind, Mr. Lovejoy.

May I prevail upon your generosity
one more time?

It's just what you need, Dennis.
It would look great here.

Don't you think?
1760s Short Land Pattern musket,

commonly known as the Brown Bess.
It's in great nick.

- OK, sounds good. Fetch it over.
- Yeah.

What about a samurai sword?

That's not very original thinking, Tink.

A Samurai sword? Over an English fireplace
in an English country pub?

Oh, Tinker, wash your mouth out
with soap and water.

No, no, Jane. Kashimoto,
in anticipation of being made a member

of the Westmorland Golf Club,
has commissioned yours truly

to purchase an item of antiquity
as a gift for the club.

Well, I hate to be the one
to put a spanner in the works,

but your client has more chance of
becoming our next prime minister.

I have heard the institution
is a little Anglo-Saxon.

Anglo-Saxon? They're a bunch of racists
and bigots. They're frightful people.

How do you know?
Oh-oh. Daddy a member, was he?

Worse.

No, Alex's father took out
life membership for the entire family.

Officially, I'm still a member myself.
What a ghastly thought.

So, what's to do?

Apparently, Kashimoto is very Cashimoto -
money no problem.

So thinking caps on, please.

What would be today's equivalent
of a samurai warrior?

Er... a four-wheel-drive Shogun, I'd say.
Fuel injected, they are.

No, no, what I mean -
the modern Japanese warrior

tends to attack the fairways and green
with a putter and a seven-iron.

I've got a couple of mates
who specialize in antiquities, sporting.

In fact, they're a couple of
sporting antiquities themselves.

When I next see you, you'll be older.

Come on, Janey,
take me to this club of bigots.

Eric.

The musket. Have it cleaned and ready
for inspection for when I return. Right?

You haven't sold it already? Cor blimey,
there's one born every minute.

He's got this knackered old
musket, right? He only got it yesterday.

He's sold it already. He could sell
binoculars to a blind man, that bloke.

Cheers, Den.

- Lovejoy.
- Mm?

- Why are we going to the golf club?
- To see Arnold Featherstone.

He wants me to give a valuation
on the club's prize trophy.

Sounds to me like they're flogging off
the family silver.

Why on earth
would they want to do that?

Well, how would I know, Jane?

Hang on in there, lads,
the reinforcements will be on their way.

Catchpole to the rescue.

Pkww! Pkww!

Thin red line fighting the rebels.
Pkww! Pkw-pkww!

Reload.

Pkww! Pkw-pkw-pkwww!

I got one. Great.

Oh!

Oh, my Lord.

Oi! Stop!

You're not allowed in this way.
Tradesmen's entrance is round there.

Lovejoy! Good to see you.

- Good Lord. Lady Felsham?
- Yes. Nice to see you again, Arnold.

- How are you?
- I'm fine. Really nice to see you.

Come on in. It's all right, Peter,
these people are my guests.

He's a bundle of laughs.

Ooh.

Lady Felsham, I'm terribly sorry,
but... would you mind?

Hmm.

I'll be out on the patio. Have fun.

Sorry about that.
Women aren't allowed inside.

By the way, don't mention Kashimoto.
He's been blackballed, poor chap.

The Major, I suspect.
I don't think he's ever forgiven them

for sneaking in through the back door
on bicycles when they took Singapore.

Ah, hello, is Ron the plumber there,
please?

Yeah, Ron.

Ah, Ron.

Help!

We have a lot of competitions here,
Lovejoy.

But the competition for this cup
is highlight of the year.

No one's allowed to keep the cup
for the whole year, I take it?

In name only.

The winner, provided he has a first-rate
security system installed in his house,

is allowed to keep the cup
for just one week.

It's then returned here
and kept under lock and key.

And no woman has ever won this cup,
I take it, Major?

Good Lord, no.

No, our lady members
do not compete for the Pulsatilla.

Magnificent?

That's the word, Arnold.

- Anyone at home?
- Up here, Ron!

Having fun, then, Eric?

But... But... But this is preposterous!

- Are you sure, Lovejoy?
- I'm afraid so, gentlemen.

What you've got here
is a silver-plated copy.

Look for yourself, Major.

But... Look, I...

Good god, man, I'm no expert
in such matters.

Well, I am. And if Maksim Bemochev
had made this...

there would by Cyrillic lettering here,

next to which would be stamped
the head, in profile,

of a young Russian girl wearing
a Russian headdress called a kokoshnik,

which would tell you that this was made
between the years 1908 and 1917.

Next to that would be two numerals
telling you the silver content.

Which in this case
should have been "zlotniki".

- Close to pure.
- This is devastating.

The land deal - what are we to do?

We were hoping to sell the cup
to raise some funds

for a very necessary land purchase.
Well, we're finished.

God, who'd do such a thing?

How are we gonna raise the finances?

It's none of my business, but, erm...

I think you made a mistake
in blackballing Kashimoto and company.

Got a point, Major.
Not too late to reconsider.

Have you gone mad, Featherstone?
Under no circumstances.

Whole foundation of this club could...

Isn't there something else we can sell?

Erm... may I ask a question?

Who... was the last person
to win this cup

and have a first-rate security system
in their home?

Oh. Freddie, actually.

Good shooting, Eric.
You've shot the water tank

right between the stopcock
and ball valve.

But can you fix it? I mean, can you fix it
before Lovejoy gets back?

Means a new tank. It's a long job.

Start clearing the rubbish away.

- I'll get the tools out.
- Oh, thanks, Ron.

Oh, J... D! No!

What? Bloody hell.

Bloody hell.

It's beautiful.

I've shut the water off.

I'm very surprised at you, Eric.

Even I know the first thing
you should do with an old gun

is check it ain't still primed.

It's criminal, the amount that are.

At auction, Arnold, the real thing would
have attracted considerable attention.

I mean, we're talking about
40 grand plus.

- What?
- Mm.

Oh, God, we've no option,
we'll have to call in the police.

It's hard luck on Freddie, but under
the circumstances what else can we do?

You know, it's hardly logical
to blame Freddie, is it?

He's not going to ask me
to put a valuation on that cup,

knowing it to be a fake, is he?

Well, no, no. Of course not.
I take your point.

But... what else can I do?

Can you avoid calling the law in
for a couple of days

or at least until I've had a chance
to talk to Freddie?

Mm. God, what a mess, though!

- Ah, Arnold.
- Oh, Peter.

Peter Davis, Lovejoy.

I see you've already met Lady Felsham.

- Peter's our current captain.
- Oh.

- Mr. Lovejoy.
- Just Lovejoy.

Yes, well, I apologize for
what happened earlier,

but, you see, as club captain
I'm duty-bound to enforce club rules.

And...
Well, I mean, I really must insist.

Will you excuse us for a minute?
Peter, could I have a word, please?

Now, come on, Lovejoy,
let's just get out of here.

Under any other circumstances
I'd be out of here like a shot.

- Keep the change.
- Thanks, guv.

Shop!

Oh! Tinker! My little angel!

Tanya, my pudding!

You are as delectable as ever.

Oh, how lovely to see you again.

What brings you here and...
pressed to my bosom?

A buying mission
of considerable importance.

Needless to say, my client
is a man of means and breeding.

Where is he?

Ah! Ah, Tinker, my dear.

- Oh, f... ancy. Oh.
- Morris!

Apparently, I fall a little short

in the required-attire department
for this establishment.

We compromised.
I get to sit outside in the sunshine

whilst Arnold takes Jane
on the grand tour.

Actually, I, er...

did get a quick shufti around the place...

whilst Arnold and the, er... club captain

were in heated debate about the rules.

In the dining room, on the wall,
in pride of place,

they have what they think is a Turner.

After what's happened, I didn't have the
heart to tell them it was another schneid

painted by someone who, as we speak,
is helping Interpol with their enquiries.

Outside the committee room,

being kicked, bashed about
and abused in general,

is a hall stand by Christopher Dresser,
which is worth about £4,000.

Go figure it out.

Are we ready, Lovejoy?

- Thank you, Arnold.
- Thanks for your time, Lovejoy.

Send your invoice in and I'll make
sure it's dealt with promptly.

Oh, I will.

Lady Felsham.

I think Mr. Kashimoto is a very lucky man.

Whoa... that's better.

Now, then, my dear Tinker. To business.

Indeed. To business, Morris.

An item just perfect
for your client's needs, I'd say.

A hickory-shafted putter

bearing the monogram
of the famous man himself.

The very putter he used

to putt out the final
hole of the final green

the very first day
he won the British Open Championship

back in... 19... Oh, well, whatever.

And er... Morris,
which famous man was that?

Why, Henry, of course.
The great Henry Cotton.

Who else?

I am interested.

Yes. Well... slight problem there, old boy.

No, no, as I said to you before, Morris,

my client is a man
of considerable means.

The problem is, Tinker,
we sold said item three months ago

to a collector in Hampstead.

- Oh, dear.
- Ah.

But the man in question
is a businessman first

and a collector second.

I, er...

I could always give him a call.

So... what do I say to Freddie?

"Sorry, Freddie. My associate, Eric,
shot your water tank full of holes."

"Oh, that's all right, Lovejoy,
happens all the time."

Well, while you're about it,
you might ask him about this.

Oh, no.

If he doesn't know about it,
I'm claiming finder's rights.

- Oh, Freddie.
- I've got rights, Lovejoy. I found it.

- Don't be a berk, Eric.
- It might we worth a lot of money.

If it's what I think it is,
it is worth a lot of money.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

It's also got "stolen" and
"go directly to jail" written all over it.

Stolen.

It's beautiful, innit? I found it
in an old trunk in the loft upstairs.

I wish you hadn't, Eric.

- That's me done for today.
- Thanks, Ron.

- That's Grandad's cup.
- Hey?

- Not the real McCoy, but nice, eh?
- Grandad's cup? Not the real McCoy?

Course not.
Golf club's got the real one.

My old grandad presented it to the club
back in 1925.

- Stand on me, it's a copy.
- How do you know it's a copy?

It is a copy.
Second one I've seen in as many hours.

Oh, yeah, there's a few knocking about.

Look, I'm spitting feathers, Lovejoy.

Eric, take Ron down the local,
wet his vocal cords, will you?

- OK. You not joining us?
- No, I have to call Freddie first.

Unless, of course,
you'd like a word with him, Eric.

All fixed, old chap.
10:30 tomorrow morning.

- His place.
- Tomorrow?

Then I am in town tonight.

Mm. It's all right if you like
that modern repro rubbish, Dennis.

And to think... I was almost
tempted to stay in bed this morning.

I know how you feel, Lovejoy.

No, I don't think you do, Eric.

- You having a pint, Lovejoy?
- Thank you, Ron.

What did Freddie have to say
about the... water tank?

We didn't get around to that subject.

We had other things to talk about.

Hello?

Lovejoy! Phone.

Tinker. A tanked-up Tinker, I'd say.

Oh, all right, all right.

Well, as you can imagine, Freddie wasn't
too happy with being chief suspect.

Threatened to jump on the next plane,
come home and sort it all out.

As his house is soaking wet
and shot full of holes,

I didn't think that was
a terribly good idea,

so "Leave it with me for a few days,"
I heard myself saying. "I'll sort it out."

- Cheers, Lovejoy.
- Oh, thank you very much, Ron.

So... your grandad.
Tell me how he came by this cup.

Yeah, I've got it, Tink.
You're spending the night in London.

I hope you're not up to any naughties.

He told me he won it off some French
soldier in a card game or something

in the First World War.

Course, no one really knows
the truth about that cup.

Mind you, back in them days,
my family name and the Felshams

- were mentioned in the same breath.
- Your family and the Felshams, eh?

When did your family
decide to branch out into plumbing?

Oh, well, see, Lord Felsham and my
old grandad were like that back then.

Between them, I suppose they must have
owned nearly half this county.

They were founder members
of the golf club, as it happens.

- It's all sorted.
- Oh, good.

Go on, Ron, about your family fortunes.

Well, my old grandmum,
God rest her soul,

she went to her grave
cursing the Felsham name.

She always reckoned old man Felsham
pulled a fast one on Grandad

back in the '30s.
Some land-deal swindle or something.

Blooming 'ell. That's a turnup, eh?

Then years later, back in the '50s,

when my old man was old enough
to take over the family affairs,

things went from bad to worse.

Useless, was my old man.
We was potless by the mid-'60s.

- All gone? Nothing left?
- Just the cottage I live in.

Oh, and 12 acres of scrub meadowland
on the east side of that poxy golf club.

- That must be worth a few bob, innit?
- Yeah, one day, perhaps.

The last member who parked in
the captain's spot was hanged at dawn

and his corpse left for a week
as a warning to others.

And he drove a Rolls-Royce, I'm told.

The... genuine article, Mr. Gold?

Oh, as an item of antiquity
it has a somewhat limited value.

Mr. Dill, let's not get involved in
silly conversations.

It's the club's history
that makes it a unique piece.

I know its value
so, please, I'm a very busy man.

What's this in my parking space?

And to your knowledge,
only four copies have been made?

Yeah. Major, Wing Commander
Geddings, Peter Davis and Freddie.

The name of the silversmith
who makes the copies?

It's a firm the Major recommended.
In Bishop's Stortford, I think.

But the Major handles
all that for the winners.

That's what Freddie told me.
Where is the Major?

Out on the course, I think.
Listen, I think you ought to know that

the Major now is not too happy
with your involvement in all this.

That comes as no surprise, Arnold.

I also gather from Freddie that he and
the Major didn't exactly hit it off.

Well, let's just say the Major is...

Mm.

Boo.

As your number-one spy,
I have to inform you

there's a hanging-party scouring
the premises, looking for you.

- Isn't it nice to be popular?
- That little tyke, Lovejoy...

- Head him off at the pass.
- Has parked his damn car in my space.

New parking service, gentlemen.

Lovejoy.

Damn that man.

Who the hell let him back on these
premises again in the first place, eh?

I'll buy you drinks!

I want him... thrown out.

And for God's sake, get one of the staff
to remove that junk heap

- from my parking space, as well.
- Something wrong, Mr. Davis?

Oh... Lady Felsham.

Did I do something... so wrong
when parking my little fun-thing?

W... Your vehicle?

Yes. I've done something terribly wrong,
haven't I? I can tell.

Well... no,
it's not so terribly wrong, but...

we do have to have rules here.
I'm sure you can understand that.

Yes, of course, I'm so sorry.
I'll move it right away.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Please.

No harm done this time.

Park my car.

There. Problem solved.

Now... what can I get you to drink?

Excuse me, excuse me. Yours.

Beep! Beep!

Oi! Watch it!

Very bad luck, Major.

What the hell do you think
you're playing at, Lovejoy?

Sorry if I'm interrupting
your round, Major,

but I wonder if you'd mind answering
a few questions.

Yes, I would mind.
Now, will you leave this course now?

On the double. Before I throw you off.

Would you play your shot, please?

- Damn good shot. Excuse me.
- What the hell?

- He'll be with you in a minute.
- Now, you look here...

No. You look here, Major.
I don't wish to seem offensive,

but if you don't answer my questions
I'll show you just how offensive I can be.

Oh dear.

The last time I saw someone
look as bad as you do, Tinker,

they were nailing the lid down, mate.

My God, Tink, you look like
the rough end of a pineapple.

Oh, who's this now?

- Mr. Kashimoto.
- Don't let him see this.

Hey?

It's all right. I told his assistant
I'd be down here.

- What?
- There you are.

Won't be a minute.

Very good, Jane.

Well?

Fairbanks & Dean. Silversmiths.
Bishop's Stortford.

- How's the captain?
- A little... putt out, I'd say.

Ho-ho! That's very funny, Janey.

Not too tight with that grip, remember.

- Lovejoy, where are you going?
- To see a man... about a cup.

The golf club have agreed
to let me use the original

in my photograph, Mr. Dean.

What paper did you say
you were with, Mr?

Jarvis. Rupert Jarvis.
I'm with an independent.

The Independent?

Er... Oh, no, I'm a freelance

for an independent firm that produces...

supplements for Sunday magazines.

- Be very good publicity for your firm.
- Really?

Now, I sometimes forget a face,

but I never forget a piece...
as beautiful... as this.

Mm. I can relate to that...

Mr... Lovejoy?

Yes.

- Yes, I love this piece.
- Mm.

- Thank you for selling it to me.
- It's a pleasure, Mr. Dean.

George II baluster-lidded tankard.

William Priest, London 1790.

Nice to see it's in good hands.

- Don't suppose you'd consider...
- No chance. Not for sale at any price.

Hm.

Right, as one professional to another

and dispensing with
all this newspaper nonsense,

what is your interest in the Pulsatilla Cup
and how may I assist? Hm?

Good round, Major?

I was going great guns until that scruffy
oik, Lovejoy, arrived on the course.

- So, it was you he went to see.
- Yes.

I've a few choice words for Featherstone.

I've a good mind to call
a special meeting of the committee.

Yes. Well, I'll back you on that one.

The man shouldn't be allowed
on the premises,

let alone tearing around our course.

My usual. One for the Major.

I... hope he had good reason
to interrupt your round.

Asking bloody questions
about Pulsatilla Cup business.

Make sure mine's with plenty of ice.

I want that Lovejoy barred
from these premises.

Yes. Yes.

Beginner's luck. Now, tell me
about the problems you have

with the land at the entrance to the club.
I might be able to help.

You said if I ever needed anybody, er...
duffed up

or... sorted out.

Well, yes. Mm-hm.

H... How much?

Oh. I'm obviously in the wrong business.

No, no, no, no. No.
Yeah. Yeah, that'll be fine.

Well, as quickly as possible.

It's, er... some flash antiques dealer...
called Lovejoy.

Plant hire business, I gather.

According to gossip, he very nearly
went broke this time last year.

But then, if you believed all the gossip,

one would have to say that
our dear captain

has had a few ladies up against the wall.

If you know what I mean.

- Hm. Really?
- Mm.

Plays it all very
carefully, does our Peter.

Never gets involved with us members
or members' wives.

- Pity really.
- Christine.

What will Lady Felsham think of us?

No, but seriously, he's a real charmer.

Especially where the female staff
are concerned.

Yes, I'd say that's par for the course.

Oh. Don't look now, girls,
but I think we're being watched.

Yes, "par for the course" is right.
The last two barmaids can testify to that.

Especially the last one, the Thornly girl.

Couldn't keep that one quiet,
eh, Christine?

Broke the poor girl's heart.

Randy swine.

The club's access road
runs across privately owned land.

Well, the club had a 60-year lease,
which is about to expire

so they need to raise cash
pretty quickly in order to buy the land.

Janey, any golf club that is
only accessible by a helicopter

- has a slight problem, don't you think?
- Actually, I find it quite ironic.

They wanted exclusivity -
they've certainly got it.

- Rubbish.
- Oh.

- Oh. The silversmiths. Any luck there?
- Interesting.

Messrs Fairbanks & Dean
made five copies of that cup.

- Oh, that's interesting.
- That's just a good example.

No, no. The silversmiths.

Oh, the fifth copy
was commissioned by a P Thornly.

Now, the golf club has never had
a P Thornly as a member, past or present.

How odd.

Aha, Mr. Lovejoy.
This is a most honorable gift.

Henry Cotton was
the most respected golfer, yes?

The most respected golfer,
Mr. Kashimoto.

Most respected.

Mr. Lovejoy, I thank you very much.

Yeah, I know. He's a nice guy.

All right.

Mr. Kashimoto.

I think there's something
you ought to know

about your membership of this golf club.

Blackballed, Mr. Lovejoy.

- You know.
- Of course. It's to be expected.

- You still want to offer them this gift?
- It's a matter of honor, Mr. Lovejoy.

To lose face to such people

would be a matter of great dishonor.

That's very commendable,
Mr. Kashimoto, but I...

Well, there's an English expression -

"I had my card marked
before I spent your money."

But you see, Mr. Lovejoy,
I had my card marked

before I employed your services.

There are other ways to gain access
to such an establishment.

Hello, Arnold.

Coffee? Tea?

Er, no. No. No, thanks.

- Ooh. Sounds serious.
- Yes.

The Major called an emergency
committee meeting at the club last night.

Your name was top of the agenda.

I'm very flattered. I've never been
top of an agenda before.

I'm truly sorry, but I've been told
to inform you of the committee's decision.

You are to drop all enquiries
concerning the Pulsatilla Cup forthwith.

If not yesterday.

I've also been charged with
the unpleasant task of informing you

that you're never to set foot
on the club premises again.

Wow, I really was top of the agenda,
wasn't I?

By association, the same thing applies
to Lady Felsham.

In fact, she's been struck from
the membership.

I'm sure she will be crushed.

Sorry, Lovejoy.

- Is that it?
- Oh, now, I'm really embarrassed.

I'm very sorry, but it was your antics out
on the course yesterday with the Major.

No, don't apologize to me, Arnold.

Save those for your friends
and business associates,

like Freddie and Mr. Kashimoto.

You can tell Lady Jane yourself.

- Sorry, Lovejoy. Morning, Lady Felsham.
- Good morning, Arnold.

Bye, Arnold.

Hello, Janey.

Lovejoy, it came to me
while I was in the bath this morning.

Eureka.

That name, Thornly.
P Thornly is not a man.

- Does he know this yet?
- Will you be serious?

P Thornly is not a man
nor a club member.

The P is for Philippa.
Philippa Thornly was a barmaid

and an ex-employee of the club.

And guess who she was having
an affair with at the time.

- Go on, surprise me.
- Captain Slug, Peter Davis.

- Eurgh!
- I thought you'd be pleased.

Now all we have to do is find her.
We'll pop over to the club and ask around.

- Ah. Small problem there, Janey.
- Get ready. Let's get going.

- I've been banned.
- Oh.

Well, hardly surprising
under the circumstances.

No problem. I'll go round on my own.

- So have you.
- What?

Been banned. Kicked out.
Spanish archered.

Dis-membered. Elbowed. Whatever.

- I've what? They can't do that.
- Thought you'd be pleased.

They've barred me from the... club?

I don't understand. The Felshams have
been members since time immemorial.

Is that why Arnold Featherstone
came here, to tell you to tell me?

Oh, the ignorant pig! He couldn't even
tell me on his own. How dare he?

Wait till I tell Alex.

Oh, hello, Dennis.

Well, he's a bit busy, actually.
Can I help?

- A barmaid?
- How much?!

Come on, Lovejoy, that's
double cheap. I've done you a favor.

Yeah, all right, Dennis, I'll tell him.
Catch you later.

No, no, no, Ron.
This bill is bloody ridiculous!

Pay me in readies and
I'll knock off the VAT.

That was Dennis, from the pub.
You asked him about some barmaid.

- Oh, this better be good.
- Well, how do I know?

Well, anyway, he said Philippa Thornly
used to work for him at the pub.

Good news?

Goodish.

How much?! Ron!

I must say, Lovejoy,
this is a very nice surprise.

Thank you.

I hope that you find this comfortable. The
waitress will be with you in a minute, sir.

- Evening, Lovejoy.
- Hello, Ron.

- Lady Felsham.
- Hello.

Can recommend the salmon,
as it happens.

Très bon. Mwah!

- Isn't that?
- Ron the plumber.

And he was sitting with Kashimoto.

- This all sounds wonderful.
- Mm.

- I might have known.
- What?

I was silly enough to believe...
Never mind.

What?

- Ready to order?
- What do you recommend?

- Fish is excellent. Fresh in today.
- Fine for me. Janey?

Oh, I do beg your pardon.
Jane Felsham, Philippa Thornly.

Very nice to meet you.
Sorry, sir, do I know you?

Lovejoy.

Lovejoy Antiques.

I wonder, later, when it's not so busy,
if we could have a little chat.

- A chat? About what, Mr. Lovejoy?
- Just Lovejoy.

About an old friend of yours, Peter Davis.

Peter Davis is no friend of mine.

I was hoping you'd say that, Philippa.

That rat told me
he was having a copy made of that cup

as a surprise gift
for one of the committee members.

I didn't think I was doing anything wrong.

No, you weren't. You've got no worries
on that score, believe me.

He's nicked the real one, hasn't he?

Well, we can't prove anything, Philippa,
but it certainly looks that way.

Yeah, that's his style.

He was having business problems
at the time.

Oh, God. What a fool I've been.

Come on, don't be so hard on yourself.
You weren't to know.

Are the police involved?

You know that committee.
They're a law unto themselves.

They're very reluctant
to involve the police.

That's typical of that lot.

No scandal, close ranks,
sweep it all under the carpet as usual.

- They're all at it, that's why.
- At it?

I mean, they've all got their little
fiddles. Or perks, as they call it.

The stuck-up Major
fiddles the wine prices.

The Wing Commander
fiddles the green fees.

- Peter Davis?
- Bar and green staff wages.

Fiddles the overtime.
That's how him and me...

Well, like I said, they're all at it.

You know, it makes you wonder

what you have to do
to be struck off as a member, doesn't it?

- It's not that I mind being, well...
- Kicked out of the club?

Quite. No, it's just that, well...

Yeah. I know how you feel, Janey.

Do you, Lovejoy?

Well, yeah. I...

I think I do. Why don't you...

tell me?

- How I feel?
- Yeah.

- Lovejoy...
- Shh.

Ahh...

Very touching.

Oh, ain't that nice, eh, Pete?

- Problem, lads?
- We ain't got no problems, pal.

But I'd say you have.

- What the hell's going on here?
- Janey, just get in the car.

- I'll take care of it.
- I most certainly will not get in the car.

- Bugger off!
- Janey, stop...

Thank you, Janey. Oh, sh...

If you should hit my friend again,

I'll be forced to break both your arms.

Do what?

Oh, no!

- Fra... Frank.
- What?

What's he doing, Frank?

Sod this for a game of soldiers!

- Are you OK, Lovejoy? Yes?
- Oh, I'm fine, Mr. Kashimoto.

Thank you very much.
That was quite some display.

- Display?
- Mm.

How do you say? Big bluff.

I know nothing of karate.
But they don't know that. Yes?

It's a silly game, this.

Eric, remarks like that in a place
like this are very close to blasphemy.

You jammy!

I don't believe it.

What we doing here, anyway?

We're guests of Mr. Kashimoto.

Witnessing the presentation of a fine gift
by a very honorable man.

But he's been blackballed.
He's not gonna be a member.

Eric...

This is madness.

You haven't a shred of proof.

Nothing.

I'm the captain of this club.

Lovejoy's just a...
lowlife, secondhand furniture dealer

with a working-class chip
on his shoulder.

- How can you possibly believe him?
- Lady Felsham?

Lady Felsham and Lovejoy are...

Well, come on. I mean, we all know

what's going on there, don't we?

No, gentlemen, you've been hoodwinked.
You've been conned.

You have no proof whatsoever.

You were saying, sir?

You can't do this to me.

Don't you lot forget -
I know what's what around here.

I know who's fiddling what.

And I'll not keep quiet, you know.

There shouldn't be anything down there.
It's gorgeous.

So, what happened?

Stripped of rank, thrown out on his ear.

What, is that it?

- No law?
- No.

For reasons I cannot disclose,
the committee's decided...

To close ranks? Avoid a scandal, sweep it
under the carpet? I don't believe it.

There's no real proof, Lady Felsham.

Look, we're incredibly grateful
to you both. How can we repay you?

Let me know when you want to do a deal
on the hall stand.

Excuse me.

Look, that man has stolen from you,
for God's sake.

I mean, call in the police,
have him arrested!

Well, it... it's not quite as
simple as that, Lady Felsham.

Let me buy you a drink.
If we call in the police...

I'll show them.

Who needs this bloody place?

I'll really show them.

Now, Davis, where's the cup?

- I sold it.
- I figured that out for myself.

To whom?

He was a foreigner. A Russian dealer.

I know what I'd like
to do with that putter.

Ladies and gentlemen...
... on behalf of myself,

the club committee and all our members,

I would like to say a big and sincere
thank you to Mr. Kashimoto

for his truly magnificent gift.

- Hear, hear.
- What a load of twaddle.

Eric, shut up.

I would also
like to extend to Mr. Kashimoto

my heartiest congratulations

and welcome him
into the bosom of our wonderful club.

- Am I hearing right?
- I think so.

Now, er... ... Mr. Kashimoto,
if you would care to step over here,

I would be... be honored

to present to you your club tie.

Erm... Arnold,
have you been holding out on us? Hm?

Well, I must confess, just a little.

And you, you're full of surprises.
How did you swing this one?

Arnold explained the club had a problem
with entrance land.

He then introduce me to Ron.

Oh, old "12 acres of scrubland" here.

Committee was so busy
looking at the front,

they didn't bother to look to the rear.
Bit like Singapore, really.

Yeah, so I sold my land to Mr. Kashimoto
and the family's got a few bob again.

That's great, Ron,
I'm very pleased for you.

Very pleased.

Yeah, Ron, so... you won't mind forgetting
about this bill now, then, will you?