Lovejoy (1986–1994): Season 2, Episode 5 - Who Dares, Sings - full transcript
When Lovejoy agrees to fit out for Tinker's old army friend Linden Walker's new pub he buys a houseload of furniture of former prison officer George Palmer. Unfortunately it turns out to be stolen and to make things worse the victims turn up at the pub's opening night and recognise it,causing Lovejoy to go on the run to clear his name. He does also discover that Tinker lied to him about being an officer in the army when he was in fact a corporal.
How much farther is this gaff?
By the left... wheel!
What does go on under that beret?
- Good morning.
- Morning.
Lovejoy, there's a slight problem.
The client's virtually broke. He's spent all
his money renovating... Where are you going?
We had a contract.
You decorate, me furnish, him pay.
- Him not pay, me go.
- Easy for you to quit. I've done my part.
Come and meet him.
You're going to love him.
Yes, he does have a certain
charm, you know.
And an overwhelming sense of honor.
I don't mind if it's plastic
as long as it looks like the real thing.
Only this is the real thing
and doesn't look like it, OK?
- It wants to be all cut back...
- Lovejoy, Major Linden Walker.
- Stinker!
- Ha ha! My goodness me!
Mr. Lovejoy.
Oh, goodness me, this is a pleasure.
- I've heard so much about you.
- I've heard about you, too.
Now, I'm sure if you and Jane work together, I
stay strictly out of it, things will get done.
- What do you say?
- I say, what are you using for money?
Lovejoy, please!
No, I like a man
who comes straight to the point.
Yeah, money.
Tell you what. Come with me
and I'll show you a photograph of it, OK?
Excuse me. Coming through, thank you.
Bonkers, broke and an old buddy of Tinker's.
Not exactly the best credentials in the world.
So when that still, small voice
at the back of the old head says,
"Danger, Lovejoy, you're about
to be turned over," why don't I walk...
- Lovejoy!
- Come on.
That's why. A chance to help old friends.
Now, as you know, Lovejoy,
there is a deadline.
Why are we following him?
Mark of a true officer, Lovejoy.
Civilians will be here in three days, so we'll need
tables, tables, tables to eat the rations off.
Now, then.
Aunt May from Windsor.
She'll be down for the opening.
You remember her.
Came to the demob party of '58.
- Played the piano.
- Exactly. Now, what do you see?
Aunt May brandishing bananas.
Exactly. But whence come the bananas
Aunt May brandisheth?
- Lovejoy!
- Two silver bowls, Stinker.
Paul de Pomerey, 1760... ish.
Ah, well, now you're talking.
About 40 grand, if they're genuine.
Oh, solid as a rock.
Now, cash these in for me, Lovejoy, and
buy me what I want out of the proceeds, OK?
Does she know she's giving them to you?
If you don't believe me, go and fetch her
tomorrow morning. Bruce? Bruce!
Give Lovejoy Aunt May's address, will you?
Oh, and one thing I do need. A piano.
I know where to get a square Dutch job.
Wonderful tone, last time I heard it.
You know what we want it for.
Crime And Punishment ride again!
They met in the national service... Whoops!
Sort of a two-man ENSA.
They used to entertain the brass.
Linden a musical hall turn?
But he comes from such a good family.
So do I, and look where I spent last year.
Would you give the gentleman this address?
I'm doing nothing until I see that silver.
Oh, Lovejoy, time is of the essence.
Look, what say I give you some petty cash?
- Thank you.
- Erm...
Hello! Anybody there?
Sorry, mate, but I did knock.
- What?
- I said, sorry, but I did knock.
Oh, it's like being at sea. First moments
ashore, you feel like the land's heaving.
Same with that band.
Turn 'em off and you can still hear 'em.
Bleugh! Oh, that's better.
- You buying or selling, mate?
- I'm visiting. Old friends getting together.
- Where is he? I've tried the cottage, but...
- Lovejoy?
- Oh, he's out on a buying trip for the firm.
- Yeah?
You're having me on, ain't you?
You've melted him down.
To be honest,
I thought he'd come on more than that.
Smells right, though.
No, that's what we call glue in the trade,
Mr. Erm?
- Mr. Palmer.
- Well, can I help, Mr. Palmer?
No. I've got to see Lovejoy.
It's all right, Mr. Palmer.
Lovejoy doesn't keep any secrets from me.
Don't you kid yourself, son.
What, meet him inside, did you?
Share the same cell or...
Well, same landing, put it that way. Yeah.
Well, I'm going to have to be
honest with you, Mr. Palmer.
I know it's very difficult when you first
come out, but we can't offer you work.
- Do you think you could give me a hand?
- Yeah, yeah.
No, I'm not looking for a sub.
It's more social than business, you know?
Ah. Right.
- Come to think, he did talk about a partner.
- Yeah?
Gordon Bennett, you're wearing well for a man of
50, who's been half cut since Coronation Day.
Oh, no, that's Tinker. He works for us.
You see, basically, we split the work two ways
and Tinker does all the running around for us.
Lovejoy looks after the buying and selling
and I'm more the hands-on end of things.
- The expert, eh?
- If you like.
- What are you doing now, then?
- This is what we call restoring, Mr. Palmer.
You see, Lovejoy brought this back
from one of his trips.
It's been up against a radiator for 50 years. All
the joints are shriveled. It's falling to bits.
But you give me a week and I will have it
looking as good as new. Or old!
Cor, blimey! He's fallen right with
his feet on the ground, hasn't he?
An expert like you, with all that knowledge
and expertise at his fingertips.
But tell me something. Have you never heard
of superglue? It'd spare the pen-and-ink.
Authenticity, Mr. Palmer.
That's my trademark.
- Would you mind passing me that clamp?
- No.
You see, this glue is the same glue
that was used by craftsmen 200 years ago.
- Go on.
- Hepplewhite, Sheraton, Chippendale.
- What's in it, then?
- Well, I don't know. It'll say on the label.
Lovejoy buys it in the supermarket.
If you don't mind me saying so,
haven't you gone a bit mad with...
- Hey, please, Mr. Palmer.
- Sorry. You're the expert.
I'll tell you what,
I'll wait in the garden.
Just trying to remember
if I liked you or not.
- Got your bearings yet?
- What can I do for you, George?
- Cheese and pickle?
- No.
Well, you might not believe this, but
I've actually come down here to thank you.
Those lectures you did on French Renaissance
furniture, they were an inspiration to me.
You and the two geezers from D Wing,
you mean?
I'm not a screw anymore. No.
Took my pension, set up in business.
House clearance.
I thought we might join
forces occasionally.
Yeah, maybe. Anything on the cards?
As it happens, yeah.
A place called Dashwood House.
Ah... Angela, is it? We spoke on the phone.
- So you must be Mr. Palmer.
- That's right.
- Hello.
- Hello. Uh, this is Lovejoy.
- Hello.
- Hello. Tables and chairs, you said?
- That's right.
- Have a look round.
- I'll be in the kitchen.
- OK.
- I expect you'd like some coffee?
- Mm.
It's both of them, Your Ladyship.
Fetch this, carry that,
run down there with this.
Do a fan dance on the way! Huh!
Do you want to hear something
really disgusting?
- I'm not altogether sure.
- He's started borrowing money off me.
Lovejoy? That means he likes you.
He does it to all his friends.
Well, he borrowed 20 quid Friday morning.
Why? To make up my wage packet
Friday evening.
My mum says it's robbing Paul to pay Paul.
You know, there's precious little here
that's of any use.
- Is there anything in the house, Eric?
- So I thought, "Right, I'll show both of 'em."
- Eric!
- Look, what exactly is it you're after?
The thing is, to decorate Linden's
restaurant for the opening party.
- What are you going as?
- The Invisible Man.
I'm not invited.
Oh.
There's some quite nice stuff here, George.
Put the suit of armor
and the candlesticks down to me.
- Yeah?
- A little bit of charm and we're on our way.
That pension took 30 years to mature.
Don't spend it all at once.
- Real coffee, nothing like it.
- Nice.
- Seen anything you fancy?
- Some bits and pieces on here.
And we'd like the refectory table, the
gate-leg and the drop-leaf, with chairs.
- Price?
- We thought 4,000.
Then it's a one-sided conversation.
Oh, that's just for the furniture.
Another 2,000 for the bits and pieces.
Cash? That makes six.
- Half each, right?
- Yeah.
Expensive brand of charm, Lovejoy.
- Good morning!
- Good morning.
If your name's Lady Jane, firstly,
he says he'll see you at the auction.
Second, what did he ever do
to deserve crumpet like you?
Could I set you straight on one
or two matters, whoever you are?
I'm the fella that's brought
a bit of business his way. George Palmer.
I'm Lovejoy's business partner. Crumpet, as far
as I'm aware, is a cake one cooks on a griddle.
- Sorry I spoke.
- I share that view.
Is this all the stuff from Dashwood House,
Mr. Palmer?
It is, yeah. It's en route
to a place called Linden's.
Subject, of course,
to Her Ladyship's approval.
Eric! Now, that is exactly
what I'm looking for.
Well, it's a pity we couldn't get it in
your size, pet. You must be about a 12.
It's not for me, Mr. Palmer.
I fight without armor, as you may
well discover before much longer.
Who's this, then?
Don't you think
you'd better be on your way, George?
Eric, hitch up Miriam, dear boy.
We go in search of a piano.
- Morning, Tinker.
- Good morning, ma'am.
Oh, this is the fella that does
the running around for you and Lovejoy.
Come along, lad, jump to it.
We haven't got all day.
You're the one who understands
the mysteries of this trailer,
so unravel them before I thicken your ear.
What a character, eh?
Yeah. Do you know, the way staff treat their
employers these days... Shocking, innit?
Wagons roll!
- When did we actually meet, then?
- You held a Victorian soiree.
"Save the hedgehog", I think it was.
I was prevailed upon to
sing a small selection.
- What, all the words?
- Comment at thy peril.
Well, nice to see you again. Here it is.
- That's not it.
- It is.
No, there's been a mistake.
Look, you said on the phone
you wanted my piano.
We're getting the deluxe model of this
next week.
It'll take a bigger fish tank.
Now, are you or are you not interested?
You had a four-legged Dutch job. Square.
Ah!
- Ah.
- Ah.
- Sacrilege.
- Well, it is mine to do as I please with.
50 miles for a three-legged potting bench.
I do have that piece, actually.
I use it as a dibber.
£300, Mr. Sorrel. My only offer.
You can't give good money
for this old rubbish!
The young have no feeling for beauty.
Especially when it comes to music.
Stockhausen.
- Been here before?
- Once or twice.
It's too big a schlep for day-to-day stuff.
I do know that somewhere through there is
a French restaurant that you would adore.
Since when have you been
an authority on my tastes?
With young Alexander away,
there's no one to cook for you.
German, mid 18th century.
Quite wrong for Linden.
They must have dropped the stuff off
at lunch time.
His name's George Palmer. He's a thickset
bloke, fair hair, moustache, about 5' 10".
Give us a break. That describes most people
over 20. Let's have a squint at the ledger.
- The woman?
- A good-looker.
Dark, tall, a very direct way about her.
George?
- Are you all right?
- Oh, yeah.
I just burgled a house
and paid three grand for the privilege.
Hold tight.
Richard Clayderman?
No. Eric Catchpole.
Out. Both of you.
You got an M.O.T. For this scrap yard?
Erm... Well, I dunno. It's my guv'nor's.
Last time I saw anything as bald as that
it was in The Magnificent Seven.
- Terrific film!
- Shut up.
Insurance?
License to kill?
- Where are you taking the piano?
- To a restaurant, Sergeant.
- Peckish, is it?
- Oh, very witty!
Erm... Tell me, are you
moving, or is it the car?
Jem!
Get the brake, quick!
Dearie dearie me.
Ha!
Where is he?
Major Walker is in London, madam.
- Regimental reunion.
- When's he back?
I couldn't say, madam.
These things have a habit of overrunning.
Lovejoy...
- Oh, Janey! Look!
- Calm down.
Calm down, Lovejoy.
This George and Angela, maybe they took a fancy
to each other this morning when they met.
Oh, give me a break.
All right, so maybe they
knew each other before.
So why didn't he say so?
Some women like to keep
their private lives private.
What are you going to say to Linden? "All
this stuff's stolen. Your party's off"?
- Yeah.
- He'll be so disappointed.
Oh, and what will I be?
Laughing at five years inside, eh?
- Who are you phoning?
- George.
My fingerprints are all over that place. He
didn't touch anything and she wore rubber gloves.
I thought you might hold off for a few
days, as far as the police are concerned.
- Till after the opening party.
- Why?
Well, Linden needs good publicity
for the place to succeed.
- If it fails, then...
- We might not get paid.
I was actually thinking of him.
But now you come to mention it,
yes, we could be out of pocket.
And what's a few days,
providing we tell the truth in the end?
You do loosen up
once young Alexander goes away, don't you?
It being lunch time, madam,
may I offer you a cold collation?
No!
Before we do anything else,
we should check Dashwood House,
make sure Angela doesn't own it.
- Don't start about the burglar alarm again!
- Just tell the officer what's gone missing.
- A table.
- Yes, there's a table, some chairs.
One or two small items.
German candlesticks.
A French clock.
Can you believe a suit of armor?
Typical of Mrs. M's daughter,
choosing this week to give birth!
- Oh, Andrea!
- They certainly knew their onions.
They sure did. They didn't touch that vase
your mother gave me for my birthday.
- It's not her, is it?
- Like I said, I burgled her house this morning.
That one, I blew three grand of your money.
Come on, let's get it
back from that Auntie May.
Four o'clock this afternoon, mate.
Right here.
New tires, new brakes, new electrics.
- Can't say fairer than that.
- And an M.O.T., Adrian.
- Pushing it a bit for time, aren't you?
- Reputable garage like ours? Doddle!
- Take it away, Carly.
- Tell your guv'nor he'll be hearing from us.
They won't be back till four.
What're we going to do till then?
Take advantage of the countryside.
Auntie May can't live here. Are you
sure there's not another Stables Road?
- Well, it says Killdorry.
- But she's one of your lot. Look.
Well, shall we stand here guessing
or go in and find out?
Hello. Come in.
- Mrs. Walker?
- That's right. Do come in.
You will excuse the clutter, won't you?
I'm moving, you know. Well, of course
you know, why else would you be here?
We'll start with the kitchen.
Erm... Mrs. Walker, I'm Lovejoy.
Ah, that rings a bell. Any children yet?
We thought we'd wait.
- We're not actually married, Mrs. Walker.
- Oh, I say! How exciting!
We are friends of Linden's.
We have come to take you to him.
Oh, I'd best get ready then, hadn't I?
Erm... You could start
putting my things in your car.
How long were you thinking of staying?
Forever, dear.
If he wants my silver, he gets me, as well.
Well, I'm sure he's looking forward to it.
You want to bet?
We came over from Ireland,
all of us, in 1928.
Big house there,
burned to the ground, you see.
Oh, you'd have wept, Mr. Lovejoy.
All the furniture, up in smoke.
Some of it priceless.
But you managed to hang onto
some of the smaller stuff, though, eh?
Oh, gold and silver was all in the bank.
Daddy spent it as the years went on,
rather than get a job in London.
How come he left the tableware?
Just one of those things, dear.
Hands off!
It's way past four
and there's no sign of them yet.
- North, I think.
- Yeah, but we can't leave this stuff.
I noticed a pay-phone
as we passed through the village.
The fact that it had a pub wrapped round it
is pure coincidence.
84.
- Where am I?
- Three Horseshoes, Pillbridge.
- Phone?
- Over there.
- Is he with you?
- I'm afraid so.
Otherwise, who knows
what passions the two of us might unleash?
Oh, you daft devil! What're you having?
A large whisky, a small chaser,
something for your bounteous self.
And for our chaperone, a lager.
The gassier, the better.
- Cheers, Bev.
- See you, lads. Drive safely.
Be off with you.
You're supposed to be there in 20 minutes.
Darts team, away match.
They nearly didn't make it.
- Oh, dear.
- Well, they didn't have any transport.
Then someone lent Adrian his car.
- Blue, with brown spots?
- Death trap.
Eric, come on!
Lovejoy's gonna kill us.
You paid three ton for a musical potting
shed. Now I've given Miriam away.
But we have our health.
Let us go and drink to it.
I haven't got the wherewithal.
I haven't got the whitebait, the king prawns,
the scallops or the Scottish salmon.
- That's virtually the entire menu.
- Same goes for the wine.
- 123 quid or I'm off.
- Three hundred!
Lovejoy, Jane, look,
vouch for me, will you?
Oh, he's a terrific guy. Jane, will you tell
Bruce we could do with a hand with the luggage?
Tell him I'm good for
the money as soon as I...
Oh, Aunt! You're looking wonderful.
Look, come up and explain to
these gentlemen, will you?
You're giving me some family silver
by way of working capital, hmm?
Why have you got your hair done like that?
You've put on weight as well.
Now, that's really silly.
Can we discuss those criticisms
later, Auntie?
Erm... Gentlemen, it'll only take a minute.
Just hang about and discuss Christian virtues.
Like truth and honor
and love of your fellow men and so forth.
- Look, Auntie...
- Where's my room?
- It's in the attic.
- Oh, I say, how romantic!
- Romantic? You haven't brought a lover?
- Don't be so silly.
What are all the bags and luggage for?
Are you sitting down, mentally, I mean?
She's moving in.
- No.
- No move in, no silver.
- It's in the bag.
- You are fired, both of you.
Ah... Mr. Williams.
The tables in the restaurant.
Could you help us unload them into
your van, please? I'm sure one'll fit.
Ah, no, sorry. Just letting off steam.
- How was the regimental reunion?
- Ruined by coming back here!
- I noticed Tinker wasn't there.
- Of course! He's a noncommissioned... thing!
This isn't everything. My neighbor's
going to bring the rest up, when I ask him.
- What shall I do with this, sir?
- You can...
You look like a barman sort of chap.
Could I have a dry sherry, please?
Of course you can have a dry
sherry, Auntie.
You can have a whole crate of dry sherry
if you could just persuade Albert here
to use a little imagination.
- How much do you owe them?
- No, I couldn't, Jane.
- 300 for Albert, and 123 for Percy.
- Ten per cent off for an invite to the opening.
- If you think I'm having...
- Done!
- Auntie, could I just have a look at the silver?
- I think we'll put it in the safe, shall we?
And then we can talk.
Ah, thank you.
I wonder if you might inform your business
partner he needn't look so pleased with himself?
There was a phone call
from someone called Eric earlier.
Apparently, they've impounded Miriam.
Oh, thank you, Jane.
- Good morning!
- Oh!
Why didn't you come last night, Lovejoy?
The forecast was for showers. I was hoping
you'd both get pneumonia and die.
- Hold your horses, Lovejoy. Wait till you see...
- Bike! Now!
Car.
Lovejoy?
- Lovejoy?
- What?
Would you test me on my words?
Linden and I are the cabaret
for the opening night.
A couple of large gins
and I'm word perfect.
Well, there's your answer, then.
Lovejoy, I'm sorry about the piano.
I'm sure we can hire one, and I think
you're going to agree that it was worth...
Crime And Punishment, eh? Why do you
call yourselves Crime And Punishment?
It was a long time ago, Lovejoy.
Some talk of a Lagonda,
some like a smart M...
I know why you call yourselves
Crime And Punishment.
Major Crime Linden
and Corporal Punishment... you!
You were rank and file.
You never were brass.
- I never said I was.
- You never denied it all these years.
All right, Lovejoy,
tell the world and make me look a prat.
You don't need my help for that.
I'd rather go as a humble British squaddie.
Oh, I don't know! She offers you an emperor
and you plump for Tommy Smith.
Eric, you couldn't count the world wars we've
had, let alone tell us anything about them.
I am not going to a party dressed up
as an enemy of the British people.
If you're so fond of the
shmutter, you wear it.
- I've not been invited, mate.
- No?
But you are going, I trust?
- I wouldn't go if you paid me.
- Ah! No sulking, young Eric.
Listen, if I'm not good enough
to be invited in the first place, then...
They invited the whole firm. Your exclusion
must have been a clerical error.
They didn't know you worked for us.
We fought against these
people, too, you know.
We fought most people, Tinker.
Well, in that case, I shall either
go naked or as a humble squaddie.
Take your pick.
Oh, do come, Eric.
- Besides, I'll need a lift.
- Especially if he's naked.
And anyway, we do need somebody to make
sure no one peers under the tablecloths.
- Who's the music, then?
- I am the music, dear boy.
- Well, that's not much of a choice.
- Pardon?
You and that old piano? What a waste
of Linden's three hundred quid that was!
One end of it was held
up by a pile of books.
- Old books, Eric.
- What's age got to do with it?
You'd be surprised.
No, Thanks very much,
but I think I'll give it a miss.
You can't say we didn't try.
- Do you mind?
- Sorry.
No, seriously, Jane, the scallop
has a really interesting sex life.
Oh, yes? Dated a few scallops in your time,
have you?
- They do it from a distance.
- A lot to be said for it, has that.
Finally got it out of her.
Like drawing teeth.
- Oh, Andrea, my darling!
- Sorry we're late, old man.
- How was the holiday?
- Oh, don't ask!
Lovejoy! Those people... Dashwood House.
- And when we got back...
- we'd been burgled.
Percy, who's that?
Linden's stockbroker.
Not that he's got a lot of stock to broke.
Lovejoy and the redhead,
they're not married, you know.
- No, that's right.
- Oh, you knew, then?
About them living together.
- Did they take anything serious?
- All my best furniture.
- The tables and chairs. Didn't touch the safe.
- No, or my jewels.
- Thank God for that.
- Have a word with Dennis.
Detective Inspector Dennis Hardwick.
Can't you put a bomb up someone?
- Go and have some dinner.
- Ah, actually, I've just eaten.
- Well, go and eat some more.
- Your station sent round a 12-year-old.
Lovejoy, say hello to
your favorite silversmith.
Hello, Justin.
- Justin's very interested in the silver.
- He probably smelled it as he came in.
Is it everything it's cracked up to be?
I might have a buyer or two up my sleeve.
- Have a look at it, Justin.
- Ooh!
Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen,
can I have...
I'm on, Lovejoy. I'm going to sing.
To aid your digestion,
we have a cabaret item.
- Our performers have really researched...
- Get on with it, Bruce!
I mean, can you believe three tables?
One of them was this sort of size. You
don't put that on a roof rack, you know!
At least they didn't smear the walls
with you know what.
They even took a suit of armor.
So, please put your hands together
for Crime And Punishment!
- Where's my husband?
- I'm down here.
- Oh, Geoffrey!
- This is our table.
That's the leg that Rex chewed.
- Linden, where did you get this stuff from?
- I don't know. Can't it wait?
No, it can't.
Those tables through there are mine.
- Ours.
- Ours.
- Well, where did you get them from?
- Where did we get them from? Lovejoy?
Who the hell's Lovejoy?
Lovejoy?
Lovejoy!
Oh, go away, Dennis.
What are you trying to do to me, Lovejoy?
I am one of the few people
my side of the fence
who reckons you're not as bent
as a nine bob note.
So what's with the paw prints
all over Dashwood House?
Oh, why would I leave paws
all over a house that I was robbing?
We have had a string of burglaries lately,
Lovejoy.
My guv'nor's going to want blood soon.
Yours'll do.
Give me a week, Dennis.
Give me a week and I'll hand you the people
that did Dashwood House on a plate.
- Explain.
- I explain better with my trousers on.
Not what I've heard.
BBC Essex. News update...
We had a telex from the neighboring force
yesterday.
Your car.
I can't keep bailing you out.
I'll see to it this week, I promise.
You're going to have a very busy week,
aren't you?
"George Palmer, house clearance."
Not even subtle, is it?
Well, this George might not be anything special,
but Angela Moxon, she's very credible.
Right, I'll run the phone number
through the mangle.
I thought it was a bit of kosher business.
I mean, if you can't trust a screw,
who can you trust?
Get off! You just saw a chance
to get into Her Ladyship's drawers at last.
Blinded you to the danger.
Crumpet'll be the death of you, Lovejoy.
My car phone. You got one week.
Will you turn that off?
- Morning.
- What's this all about, Lovejoy?
These. You reckon they're worth
about fifty grand, right?
Only because you told us so,
and as we all know, you are the expert.
They were brought over from Ireland
in the '20s. Right, May?
Yes.
Well, I think somebody scratched off
de Pomeroy's signature
and screwed around with the hallmark,
because as an antique they were taxable, but
as silver gilt they weren't. Am I right, May?
Yes. That's why Daddy didn't spend them.
By the time he got round to it,
they weren't worth much.
And knowing that,
you still decided to move in with me.
Yes. I was lonely, you see.
- Well, how much are they worth?
- About three grand, top whack.
But they can be restored to their former
glory with a little delicate engraving.
- Ten per cent.
- Three.
- Five?
- Top man!
- Done.
- Excuse me, Major, there's a call for Lovejoy.
Would you thank Brucey for
that information, Linden?
Lovejoy says thank you
for the information, Bruce.
I suppose you'll want me to pack my bags.
Strangely enough, Auntie,
that was my first thought.
Oh, Major Linden!
Oh, Linden, she is your flesh and blood.
Oh, it's all right, Mrs. Lovejoy.
But I was looking forward to haute cuisine
in my declining years,
and people buying me drinks at the bar.
My second was that you should wash up.
A lot!
I will do many things for you, Linden,
but I will not wash up!
- Bravo!
- What do you mean, "Bravo"?
Thank you, Dennis.
George Palmer's head office.
Cheers, mate. That's great. Ta.
George!
I've been trying to get hold of you
for days, mate.
Lovejoy.
Of course, you've, uh... You met Angie.
Hello, Angie.
I made a bit of a fool of myself
last time we met, didn't I?
No problem. What do you want, Lovejoy?
Want? What do I want? More of the same.
I know you took me for three grand last time,
but I made that back from the client, and more.
Yeah, we thought you would.
Didn't we, Angie?
I don't blame you, wanting to keep the scam to
yourself. Very nice, Angie. Very nice, George.
Find out who's on holiday,
break in at your leisure.
Well, you see, what it is...
- Angie's got a sister what works in the travel...
- George!
- So, you're not so squeaky clean after all.
- George had me figured all along, Angie.
What did I tell you, Ange?
I can see you're the one
I talk business to, Angie.
See what you think of this.
No, no...
No, thanks.
Excellent work.
Well done, Mr. Um?
Thank you, sir. When's the auction?
Tomorrow.
By the way, Lovejoy doesn't want us there.
Low profile and so forth.
Well, I wasn't thinking of
the Normandy landings. Just you and me.
Besides, you need a new piano.
- On top of which, you have something to sell.
- Really?
They didn't call you Lucky
Linden for nothing, old bean.
Go on, then. Go on.
- 1749.
- How can you be so precise?
Oh, we have our ways. One of them being
it's carved on it, just there.
Linden and his problems got in the way.
- What of?
- That lunch we planned.
- Oh.
- How about tomorrow, before the auction?
OK.
Why did you visit me inside?
Oh, perhaps it's the one place
I felt safe with you.
Apart from which, I knew you were innocent.
We both did.
- Your old man as well?
- Mm-hm.
Just got to make a phone call, Janey.
- Hello.
- Hello, Dennis.
Done anything about your car yet?
I thought you'd like to know that George Palmer
and young Angie are doing a place right now.
Where?
- What do you reckon?
- Reserve of 40,000.
- Agreed.
- May I?
There are a lot of likely buyers out there.
A big dealer from London was in earlier.
Said he knew you.
- Who?
- Parrish. James Parrish.
- Lovejoy!
- Excuse me.
Lovejoy!
I told you two not to make a meal of it.
You'll be glad we did turn up.
Just don't clap when the
silver goes down, OK?
Patience, Lovejoy.
Tinker, who's the blue
suit with the red tie?
He's a big London dealer. James Parrish.
Specializes in silver.
- Ting-ting!
- Ha ha ha ha!
Lovejoy, Chas Bullivant wants to see you
up in his office.
- What about?
- He wouldn't say.
But if it's bad news, remember,
you have friends about you.
Yeah, I know, but why are they all skint?
- It looks good, it smells good, but it's rubbish.
- Hang on, Chas.
- The gear may be authentic, the hallmark isn't.
- Of course it is.
Knowing your past reputation, I had Jim Parrish
give it a thorough going over. 1765, agreed?
- So?
- That makes him a very clever man.
- He'd been dead for two years.
- Sh! Chas!
Chas! Chas, the stuff belongs
to a Linden Walker.
Now, a more honest chap
you couldn't wish to meet.
Major Walker, who wouldn't be seen dead
with you because he's a gentleman,
isn't here selling silver.
He's selling a book.
A book?
- Afternoon.
- Afternoon.
- Nice day for it.
- What?
Well, screwing the aristocracy.
Oh, my name's Hardwick, by the way.
But you can call me Bill.
Lovejoy!
Never heard of him.
600? Are you all done at £600?
Once, twice...
A Kirkwood baby grand,
sold to Major Walker. Thank you very much.
We turn now to an item which is not
in your catalogs, ladies and gentlemen,
but which has attracted
considerable interest.
It's a very fine copy of the second
collected edition of Chaucer's works,
edited by William Thynne, printed in 1532.
May I start you off at £10,000?
Thank you very much, madam.
15,000, thank you, sir.
£20,000. 25,000.
30,000. £35,000
40,000.
£45,000. £50,000.
Any advance on £50,000?
£60,000.
Yes, but he doesn't look
an honest man though, does he?
Tinker? What makes you say that?
I have known a few soldiers in my time.
Most of them ran wild back in Civvy Street.
Tink, wild? We're talking about
an officer and a gentleman.
Excuse me, sir. Is this your vehicle?
Maybe not much of a gentleman anymore,
but certainly an officer.
Khaki being thicker than water,
he gave Linden the book.
Not a bad return on capital, eh?
Three hundred makes sixty grand!
Well, it's nice to be
paid for our work at last.
He even gave us the three thousand
George Palmer took.
Oh, I'd forgotten about George. How goes
the case against he and his lady friend?
Didn't I tell you? Hardwick caught them
red-handed, turning over a big house near here.
Come on, Bruce. Show a little bit
of initiative, for goodness' sake.
Aunt May.
Couldn't bear to sell them.
Couldn't let them out of the family.
Let's keep them for very special occasions.
What do you say?
I'm still not washing up for my keep.
I'd rather go back to Windsor,
to loneliness and the
danger of being attacked.
- Or having a fall.
- Aunt May, on the domestic front I surrender.
However, I would like to discuss
some of your... other talents.
- Lovejoy! Who's he?
- Some kid collecting car numbers.
Who's playing the piano?
Oh.
Not finished yet, Auntie.
Now, any more requests?
Yes. What about that tune that introduces the
snooker on BBC2. Scott Joplin, isn't it?
- Excellent choice, if I may say so, sir.
- Thank you, Bruce.
- Excuse me.
- Hello, Justin.
- Oh, hello, Lovejoy.
- I'd like a word with you.
By the way, Lovejoy,
did Hardwick mention which house?
- Sorry?
- That George and Angela burgled?
Oh, he didn't have to. I already knew.
By the left... wheel!
What does go on under that beret?
- Good morning.
- Morning.
Lovejoy, there's a slight problem.
The client's virtually broke. He's spent all
his money renovating... Where are you going?
We had a contract.
You decorate, me furnish, him pay.
- Him not pay, me go.
- Easy for you to quit. I've done my part.
Come and meet him.
You're going to love him.
Yes, he does have a certain
charm, you know.
And an overwhelming sense of honor.
I don't mind if it's plastic
as long as it looks like the real thing.
Only this is the real thing
and doesn't look like it, OK?
- It wants to be all cut back...
- Lovejoy, Major Linden Walker.
- Stinker!
- Ha ha! My goodness me!
Mr. Lovejoy.
Oh, goodness me, this is a pleasure.
- I've heard so much about you.
- I've heard about you, too.
Now, I'm sure if you and Jane work together, I
stay strictly out of it, things will get done.
- What do you say?
- I say, what are you using for money?
Lovejoy, please!
No, I like a man
who comes straight to the point.
Yeah, money.
Tell you what. Come with me
and I'll show you a photograph of it, OK?
Excuse me. Coming through, thank you.
Bonkers, broke and an old buddy of Tinker's.
Not exactly the best credentials in the world.
So when that still, small voice
at the back of the old head says,
"Danger, Lovejoy, you're about
to be turned over," why don't I walk...
- Lovejoy!
- Come on.
That's why. A chance to help old friends.
Now, as you know, Lovejoy,
there is a deadline.
Why are we following him?
Mark of a true officer, Lovejoy.
Civilians will be here in three days, so we'll need
tables, tables, tables to eat the rations off.
Now, then.
Aunt May from Windsor.
She'll be down for the opening.
You remember her.
Came to the demob party of '58.
- Played the piano.
- Exactly. Now, what do you see?
Aunt May brandishing bananas.
Exactly. But whence come the bananas
Aunt May brandisheth?
- Lovejoy!
- Two silver bowls, Stinker.
Paul de Pomerey, 1760... ish.
Ah, well, now you're talking.
About 40 grand, if they're genuine.
Oh, solid as a rock.
Now, cash these in for me, Lovejoy, and
buy me what I want out of the proceeds, OK?
Does she know she's giving them to you?
If you don't believe me, go and fetch her
tomorrow morning. Bruce? Bruce!
Give Lovejoy Aunt May's address, will you?
Oh, and one thing I do need. A piano.
I know where to get a square Dutch job.
Wonderful tone, last time I heard it.
You know what we want it for.
Crime And Punishment ride again!
They met in the national service... Whoops!
Sort of a two-man ENSA.
They used to entertain the brass.
Linden a musical hall turn?
But he comes from such a good family.
So do I, and look where I spent last year.
Would you give the gentleman this address?
I'm doing nothing until I see that silver.
Oh, Lovejoy, time is of the essence.
Look, what say I give you some petty cash?
- Thank you.
- Erm...
Hello! Anybody there?
Sorry, mate, but I did knock.
- What?
- I said, sorry, but I did knock.
Oh, it's like being at sea. First moments
ashore, you feel like the land's heaving.
Same with that band.
Turn 'em off and you can still hear 'em.
Bleugh! Oh, that's better.
- You buying or selling, mate?
- I'm visiting. Old friends getting together.
- Where is he? I've tried the cottage, but...
- Lovejoy?
- Oh, he's out on a buying trip for the firm.
- Yeah?
You're having me on, ain't you?
You've melted him down.
To be honest,
I thought he'd come on more than that.
Smells right, though.
No, that's what we call glue in the trade,
Mr. Erm?
- Mr. Palmer.
- Well, can I help, Mr. Palmer?
No. I've got to see Lovejoy.
It's all right, Mr. Palmer.
Lovejoy doesn't keep any secrets from me.
Don't you kid yourself, son.
What, meet him inside, did you?
Share the same cell or...
Well, same landing, put it that way. Yeah.
Well, I'm going to have to be
honest with you, Mr. Palmer.
I know it's very difficult when you first
come out, but we can't offer you work.
- Do you think you could give me a hand?
- Yeah, yeah.
No, I'm not looking for a sub.
It's more social than business, you know?
Ah. Right.
- Come to think, he did talk about a partner.
- Yeah?
Gordon Bennett, you're wearing well for a man of
50, who's been half cut since Coronation Day.
Oh, no, that's Tinker. He works for us.
You see, basically, we split the work two ways
and Tinker does all the running around for us.
Lovejoy looks after the buying and selling
and I'm more the hands-on end of things.
- The expert, eh?
- If you like.
- What are you doing now, then?
- This is what we call restoring, Mr. Palmer.
You see, Lovejoy brought this back
from one of his trips.
It's been up against a radiator for 50 years. All
the joints are shriveled. It's falling to bits.
But you give me a week and I will have it
looking as good as new. Or old!
Cor, blimey! He's fallen right with
his feet on the ground, hasn't he?
An expert like you, with all that knowledge
and expertise at his fingertips.
But tell me something. Have you never heard
of superglue? It'd spare the pen-and-ink.
Authenticity, Mr. Palmer.
That's my trademark.
- Would you mind passing me that clamp?
- No.
You see, this glue is the same glue
that was used by craftsmen 200 years ago.
- Go on.
- Hepplewhite, Sheraton, Chippendale.
- What's in it, then?
- Well, I don't know. It'll say on the label.
Lovejoy buys it in the supermarket.
If you don't mind me saying so,
haven't you gone a bit mad with...
- Hey, please, Mr. Palmer.
- Sorry. You're the expert.
I'll tell you what,
I'll wait in the garden.
Just trying to remember
if I liked you or not.
- Got your bearings yet?
- What can I do for you, George?
- Cheese and pickle?
- No.
Well, you might not believe this, but
I've actually come down here to thank you.
Those lectures you did on French Renaissance
furniture, they were an inspiration to me.
You and the two geezers from D Wing,
you mean?
I'm not a screw anymore. No.
Took my pension, set up in business.
House clearance.
I thought we might join
forces occasionally.
Yeah, maybe. Anything on the cards?
As it happens, yeah.
A place called Dashwood House.
Ah... Angela, is it? We spoke on the phone.
- So you must be Mr. Palmer.
- That's right.
- Hello.
- Hello. Uh, this is Lovejoy.
- Hello.
- Hello. Tables and chairs, you said?
- That's right.
- Have a look round.
- I'll be in the kitchen.
- OK.
- I expect you'd like some coffee?
- Mm.
It's both of them, Your Ladyship.
Fetch this, carry that,
run down there with this.
Do a fan dance on the way! Huh!
Do you want to hear something
really disgusting?
- I'm not altogether sure.
- He's started borrowing money off me.
Lovejoy? That means he likes you.
He does it to all his friends.
Well, he borrowed 20 quid Friday morning.
Why? To make up my wage packet
Friday evening.
My mum says it's robbing Paul to pay Paul.
You know, there's precious little here
that's of any use.
- Is there anything in the house, Eric?
- So I thought, "Right, I'll show both of 'em."
- Eric!
- Look, what exactly is it you're after?
The thing is, to decorate Linden's
restaurant for the opening party.
- What are you going as?
- The Invisible Man.
I'm not invited.
Oh.
There's some quite nice stuff here, George.
Put the suit of armor
and the candlesticks down to me.
- Yeah?
- A little bit of charm and we're on our way.
That pension took 30 years to mature.
Don't spend it all at once.
- Real coffee, nothing like it.
- Nice.
- Seen anything you fancy?
- Some bits and pieces on here.
And we'd like the refectory table, the
gate-leg and the drop-leaf, with chairs.
- Price?
- We thought 4,000.
Then it's a one-sided conversation.
Oh, that's just for the furniture.
Another 2,000 for the bits and pieces.
Cash? That makes six.
- Half each, right?
- Yeah.
Expensive brand of charm, Lovejoy.
- Good morning!
- Good morning.
If your name's Lady Jane, firstly,
he says he'll see you at the auction.
Second, what did he ever do
to deserve crumpet like you?
Could I set you straight on one
or two matters, whoever you are?
I'm the fella that's brought
a bit of business his way. George Palmer.
I'm Lovejoy's business partner. Crumpet, as far
as I'm aware, is a cake one cooks on a griddle.
- Sorry I spoke.
- I share that view.
Is this all the stuff from Dashwood House,
Mr. Palmer?
It is, yeah. It's en route
to a place called Linden's.
Subject, of course,
to Her Ladyship's approval.
Eric! Now, that is exactly
what I'm looking for.
Well, it's a pity we couldn't get it in
your size, pet. You must be about a 12.
It's not for me, Mr. Palmer.
I fight without armor, as you may
well discover before much longer.
Who's this, then?
Don't you think
you'd better be on your way, George?
Eric, hitch up Miriam, dear boy.
We go in search of a piano.
- Morning, Tinker.
- Good morning, ma'am.
Oh, this is the fella that does
the running around for you and Lovejoy.
Come along, lad, jump to it.
We haven't got all day.
You're the one who understands
the mysteries of this trailer,
so unravel them before I thicken your ear.
What a character, eh?
Yeah. Do you know, the way staff treat their
employers these days... Shocking, innit?
Wagons roll!
- When did we actually meet, then?
- You held a Victorian soiree.
"Save the hedgehog", I think it was.
I was prevailed upon to
sing a small selection.
- What, all the words?
- Comment at thy peril.
Well, nice to see you again. Here it is.
- That's not it.
- It is.
No, there's been a mistake.
Look, you said on the phone
you wanted my piano.
We're getting the deluxe model of this
next week.
It'll take a bigger fish tank.
Now, are you or are you not interested?
You had a four-legged Dutch job. Square.
Ah!
- Ah.
- Ah.
- Sacrilege.
- Well, it is mine to do as I please with.
50 miles for a three-legged potting bench.
I do have that piece, actually.
I use it as a dibber.
£300, Mr. Sorrel. My only offer.
You can't give good money
for this old rubbish!
The young have no feeling for beauty.
Especially when it comes to music.
Stockhausen.
- Been here before?
- Once or twice.
It's too big a schlep for day-to-day stuff.
I do know that somewhere through there is
a French restaurant that you would adore.
Since when have you been
an authority on my tastes?
With young Alexander away,
there's no one to cook for you.
German, mid 18th century.
Quite wrong for Linden.
They must have dropped the stuff off
at lunch time.
His name's George Palmer. He's a thickset
bloke, fair hair, moustache, about 5' 10".
Give us a break. That describes most people
over 20. Let's have a squint at the ledger.
- The woman?
- A good-looker.
Dark, tall, a very direct way about her.
George?
- Are you all right?
- Oh, yeah.
I just burgled a house
and paid three grand for the privilege.
Hold tight.
Richard Clayderman?
No. Eric Catchpole.
Out. Both of you.
You got an M.O.T. For this scrap yard?
Erm... Well, I dunno. It's my guv'nor's.
Last time I saw anything as bald as that
it was in The Magnificent Seven.
- Terrific film!
- Shut up.
Insurance?
License to kill?
- Where are you taking the piano?
- To a restaurant, Sergeant.
- Peckish, is it?
- Oh, very witty!
Erm... Tell me, are you
moving, or is it the car?
Jem!
Get the brake, quick!
Dearie dearie me.
Ha!
Where is he?
Major Walker is in London, madam.
- Regimental reunion.
- When's he back?
I couldn't say, madam.
These things have a habit of overrunning.
Lovejoy...
- Oh, Janey! Look!
- Calm down.
Calm down, Lovejoy.
This George and Angela, maybe they took a fancy
to each other this morning when they met.
Oh, give me a break.
All right, so maybe they
knew each other before.
So why didn't he say so?
Some women like to keep
their private lives private.
What are you going to say to Linden? "All
this stuff's stolen. Your party's off"?
- Yeah.
- He'll be so disappointed.
Oh, and what will I be?
Laughing at five years inside, eh?
- Who are you phoning?
- George.
My fingerprints are all over that place. He
didn't touch anything and she wore rubber gloves.
I thought you might hold off for a few
days, as far as the police are concerned.
- Till after the opening party.
- Why?
Well, Linden needs good publicity
for the place to succeed.
- If it fails, then...
- We might not get paid.
I was actually thinking of him.
But now you come to mention it,
yes, we could be out of pocket.
And what's a few days,
providing we tell the truth in the end?
You do loosen up
once young Alexander goes away, don't you?
It being lunch time, madam,
may I offer you a cold collation?
No!
Before we do anything else,
we should check Dashwood House,
make sure Angela doesn't own it.
- Don't start about the burglar alarm again!
- Just tell the officer what's gone missing.
- A table.
- Yes, there's a table, some chairs.
One or two small items.
German candlesticks.
A French clock.
Can you believe a suit of armor?
Typical of Mrs. M's daughter,
choosing this week to give birth!
- Oh, Andrea!
- They certainly knew their onions.
They sure did. They didn't touch that vase
your mother gave me for my birthday.
- It's not her, is it?
- Like I said, I burgled her house this morning.
That one, I blew three grand of your money.
Come on, let's get it
back from that Auntie May.
Four o'clock this afternoon, mate.
Right here.
New tires, new brakes, new electrics.
- Can't say fairer than that.
- And an M.O.T., Adrian.
- Pushing it a bit for time, aren't you?
- Reputable garage like ours? Doddle!
- Take it away, Carly.
- Tell your guv'nor he'll be hearing from us.
They won't be back till four.
What're we going to do till then?
Take advantage of the countryside.
Auntie May can't live here. Are you
sure there's not another Stables Road?
- Well, it says Killdorry.
- But she's one of your lot. Look.
Well, shall we stand here guessing
or go in and find out?
Hello. Come in.
- Mrs. Walker?
- That's right. Do come in.
You will excuse the clutter, won't you?
I'm moving, you know. Well, of course
you know, why else would you be here?
We'll start with the kitchen.
Erm... Mrs. Walker, I'm Lovejoy.
Ah, that rings a bell. Any children yet?
We thought we'd wait.
- We're not actually married, Mrs. Walker.
- Oh, I say! How exciting!
We are friends of Linden's.
We have come to take you to him.
Oh, I'd best get ready then, hadn't I?
Erm... You could start
putting my things in your car.
How long were you thinking of staying?
Forever, dear.
If he wants my silver, he gets me, as well.
Well, I'm sure he's looking forward to it.
You want to bet?
We came over from Ireland,
all of us, in 1928.
Big house there,
burned to the ground, you see.
Oh, you'd have wept, Mr. Lovejoy.
All the furniture, up in smoke.
Some of it priceless.
But you managed to hang onto
some of the smaller stuff, though, eh?
Oh, gold and silver was all in the bank.
Daddy spent it as the years went on,
rather than get a job in London.
How come he left the tableware?
Just one of those things, dear.
Hands off!
It's way past four
and there's no sign of them yet.
- North, I think.
- Yeah, but we can't leave this stuff.
I noticed a pay-phone
as we passed through the village.
The fact that it had a pub wrapped round it
is pure coincidence.
84.
- Where am I?
- Three Horseshoes, Pillbridge.
- Phone?
- Over there.
- Is he with you?
- I'm afraid so.
Otherwise, who knows
what passions the two of us might unleash?
Oh, you daft devil! What're you having?
A large whisky, a small chaser,
something for your bounteous self.
And for our chaperone, a lager.
The gassier, the better.
- Cheers, Bev.
- See you, lads. Drive safely.
Be off with you.
You're supposed to be there in 20 minutes.
Darts team, away match.
They nearly didn't make it.
- Oh, dear.
- Well, they didn't have any transport.
Then someone lent Adrian his car.
- Blue, with brown spots?
- Death trap.
Eric, come on!
Lovejoy's gonna kill us.
You paid three ton for a musical potting
shed. Now I've given Miriam away.
But we have our health.
Let us go and drink to it.
I haven't got the wherewithal.
I haven't got the whitebait, the king prawns,
the scallops or the Scottish salmon.
- That's virtually the entire menu.
- Same goes for the wine.
- 123 quid or I'm off.
- Three hundred!
Lovejoy, Jane, look,
vouch for me, will you?
Oh, he's a terrific guy. Jane, will you tell
Bruce we could do with a hand with the luggage?
Tell him I'm good for
the money as soon as I...
Oh, Aunt! You're looking wonderful.
Look, come up and explain to
these gentlemen, will you?
You're giving me some family silver
by way of working capital, hmm?
Why have you got your hair done like that?
You've put on weight as well.
Now, that's really silly.
Can we discuss those criticisms
later, Auntie?
Erm... Gentlemen, it'll only take a minute.
Just hang about and discuss Christian virtues.
Like truth and honor
and love of your fellow men and so forth.
- Look, Auntie...
- Where's my room?
- It's in the attic.
- Oh, I say, how romantic!
- Romantic? You haven't brought a lover?
- Don't be so silly.
What are all the bags and luggage for?
Are you sitting down, mentally, I mean?
She's moving in.
- No.
- No move in, no silver.
- It's in the bag.
- You are fired, both of you.
Ah... Mr. Williams.
The tables in the restaurant.
Could you help us unload them into
your van, please? I'm sure one'll fit.
Ah, no, sorry. Just letting off steam.
- How was the regimental reunion?
- Ruined by coming back here!
- I noticed Tinker wasn't there.
- Of course! He's a noncommissioned... thing!
This isn't everything. My neighbor's
going to bring the rest up, when I ask him.
- What shall I do with this, sir?
- You can...
You look like a barman sort of chap.
Could I have a dry sherry, please?
Of course you can have a dry
sherry, Auntie.
You can have a whole crate of dry sherry
if you could just persuade Albert here
to use a little imagination.
- How much do you owe them?
- No, I couldn't, Jane.
- 300 for Albert, and 123 for Percy.
- Ten per cent off for an invite to the opening.
- If you think I'm having...
- Done!
- Auntie, could I just have a look at the silver?
- I think we'll put it in the safe, shall we?
And then we can talk.
Ah, thank you.
I wonder if you might inform your business
partner he needn't look so pleased with himself?
There was a phone call
from someone called Eric earlier.
Apparently, they've impounded Miriam.
Oh, thank you, Jane.
- Good morning!
- Oh!
Why didn't you come last night, Lovejoy?
The forecast was for showers. I was hoping
you'd both get pneumonia and die.
- Hold your horses, Lovejoy. Wait till you see...
- Bike! Now!
Car.
Lovejoy?
- Lovejoy?
- What?
Would you test me on my words?
Linden and I are the cabaret
for the opening night.
A couple of large gins
and I'm word perfect.
Well, there's your answer, then.
Lovejoy, I'm sorry about the piano.
I'm sure we can hire one, and I think
you're going to agree that it was worth...
Crime And Punishment, eh? Why do you
call yourselves Crime And Punishment?
It was a long time ago, Lovejoy.
Some talk of a Lagonda,
some like a smart M...
I know why you call yourselves
Crime And Punishment.
Major Crime Linden
and Corporal Punishment... you!
You were rank and file.
You never were brass.
- I never said I was.
- You never denied it all these years.
All right, Lovejoy,
tell the world and make me look a prat.
You don't need my help for that.
I'd rather go as a humble British squaddie.
Oh, I don't know! She offers you an emperor
and you plump for Tommy Smith.
Eric, you couldn't count the world wars we've
had, let alone tell us anything about them.
I am not going to a party dressed up
as an enemy of the British people.
If you're so fond of the
shmutter, you wear it.
- I've not been invited, mate.
- No?
But you are going, I trust?
- I wouldn't go if you paid me.
- Ah! No sulking, young Eric.
Listen, if I'm not good enough
to be invited in the first place, then...
They invited the whole firm. Your exclusion
must have been a clerical error.
They didn't know you worked for us.
We fought against these
people, too, you know.
We fought most people, Tinker.
Well, in that case, I shall either
go naked or as a humble squaddie.
Take your pick.
Oh, do come, Eric.
- Besides, I'll need a lift.
- Especially if he's naked.
And anyway, we do need somebody to make
sure no one peers under the tablecloths.
- Who's the music, then?
- I am the music, dear boy.
- Well, that's not much of a choice.
- Pardon?
You and that old piano? What a waste
of Linden's three hundred quid that was!
One end of it was held
up by a pile of books.
- Old books, Eric.
- What's age got to do with it?
You'd be surprised.
No, Thanks very much,
but I think I'll give it a miss.
You can't say we didn't try.
- Do you mind?
- Sorry.
No, seriously, Jane, the scallop
has a really interesting sex life.
Oh, yes? Dated a few scallops in your time,
have you?
- They do it from a distance.
- A lot to be said for it, has that.
Finally got it out of her.
Like drawing teeth.
- Oh, Andrea, my darling!
- Sorry we're late, old man.
- How was the holiday?
- Oh, don't ask!
Lovejoy! Those people... Dashwood House.
- And when we got back...
- we'd been burgled.
Percy, who's that?
Linden's stockbroker.
Not that he's got a lot of stock to broke.
Lovejoy and the redhead,
they're not married, you know.
- No, that's right.
- Oh, you knew, then?
About them living together.
- Did they take anything serious?
- All my best furniture.
- The tables and chairs. Didn't touch the safe.
- No, or my jewels.
- Thank God for that.
- Have a word with Dennis.
Detective Inspector Dennis Hardwick.
Can't you put a bomb up someone?
- Go and have some dinner.
- Ah, actually, I've just eaten.
- Well, go and eat some more.
- Your station sent round a 12-year-old.
Lovejoy, say hello to
your favorite silversmith.
Hello, Justin.
- Justin's very interested in the silver.
- He probably smelled it as he came in.
Is it everything it's cracked up to be?
I might have a buyer or two up my sleeve.
- Have a look at it, Justin.
- Ooh!
Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen,
can I have...
I'm on, Lovejoy. I'm going to sing.
To aid your digestion,
we have a cabaret item.
- Our performers have really researched...
- Get on with it, Bruce!
I mean, can you believe three tables?
One of them was this sort of size. You
don't put that on a roof rack, you know!
At least they didn't smear the walls
with you know what.
They even took a suit of armor.
So, please put your hands together
for Crime And Punishment!
- Where's my husband?
- I'm down here.
- Oh, Geoffrey!
- This is our table.
That's the leg that Rex chewed.
- Linden, where did you get this stuff from?
- I don't know. Can't it wait?
No, it can't.
Those tables through there are mine.
- Ours.
- Ours.
- Well, where did you get them from?
- Where did we get them from? Lovejoy?
Who the hell's Lovejoy?
Lovejoy?
Lovejoy!
Oh, go away, Dennis.
What are you trying to do to me, Lovejoy?
I am one of the few people
my side of the fence
who reckons you're not as bent
as a nine bob note.
So what's with the paw prints
all over Dashwood House?
Oh, why would I leave paws
all over a house that I was robbing?
We have had a string of burglaries lately,
Lovejoy.
My guv'nor's going to want blood soon.
Yours'll do.
Give me a week, Dennis.
Give me a week and I'll hand you the people
that did Dashwood House on a plate.
- Explain.
- I explain better with my trousers on.
Not what I've heard.
BBC Essex. News update...
We had a telex from the neighboring force
yesterday.
Your car.
I can't keep bailing you out.
I'll see to it this week, I promise.
You're going to have a very busy week,
aren't you?
"George Palmer, house clearance."
Not even subtle, is it?
Well, this George might not be anything special,
but Angela Moxon, she's very credible.
Right, I'll run the phone number
through the mangle.
I thought it was a bit of kosher business.
I mean, if you can't trust a screw,
who can you trust?
Get off! You just saw a chance
to get into Her Ladyship's drawers at last.
Blinded you to the danger.
Crumpet'll be the death of you, Lovejoy.
My car phone. You got one week.
Will you turn that off?
- Morning.
- What's this all about, Lovejoy?
These. You reckon they're worth
about fifty grand, right?
Only because you told us so,
and as we all know, you are the expert.
They were brought over from Ireland
in the '20s. Right, May?
Yes.
Well, I think somebody scratched off
de Pomeroy's signature
and screwed around with the hallmark,
because as an antique they were taxable, but
as silver gilt they weren't. Am I right, May?
Yes. That's why Daddy didn't spend them.
By the time he got round to it,
they weren't worth much.
And knowing that,
you still decided to move in with me.
Yes. I was lonely, you see.
- Well, how much are they worth?
- About three grand, top whack.
But they can be restored to their former
glory with a little delicate engraving.
- Ten per cent.
- Three.
- Five?
- Top man!
- Done.
- Excuse me, Major, there's a call for Lovejoy.
Would you thank Brucey for
that information, Linden?
Lovejoy says thank you
for the information, Bruce.
I suppose you'll want me to pack my bags.
Strangely enough, Auntie,
that was my first thought.
Oh, Major Linden!
Oh, Linden, she is your flesh and blood.
Oh, it's all right, Mrs. Lovejoy.
But I was looking forward to haute cuisine
in my declining years,
and people buying me drinks at the bar.
My second was that you should wash up.
A lot!
I will do many things for you, Linden,
but I will not wash up!
- Bravo!
- What do you mean, "Bravo"?
Thank you, Dennis.
George Palmer's head office.
Cheers, mate. That's great. Ta.
George!
I've been trying to get hold of you
for days, mate.
Lovejoy.
Of course, you've, uh... You met Angie.
Hello, Angie.
I made a bit of a fool of myself
last time we met, didn't I?
No problem. What do you want, Lovejoy?
Want? What do I want? More of the same.
I know you took me for three grand last time,
but I made that back from the client, and more.
Yeah, we thought you would.
Didn't we, Angie?
I don't blame you, wanting to keep the scam to
yourself. Very nice, Angie. Very nice, George.
Find out who's on holiday,
break in at your leisure.
Well, you see, what it is...
- Angie's got a sister what works in the travel...
- George!
- So, you're not so squeaky clean after all.
- George had me figured all along, Angie.
What did I tell you, Ange?
I can see you're the one
I talk business to, Angie.
See what you think of this.
No, no...
No, thanks.
Excellent work.
Well done, Mr. Um?
Thank you, sir. When's the auction?
Tomorrow.
By the way, Lovejoy doesn't want us there.
Low profile and so forth.
Well, I wasn't thinking of
the Normandy landings. Just you and me.
Besides, you need a new piano.
- On top of which, you have something to sell.
- Really?
They didn't call you Lucky
Linden for nothing, old bean.
Go on, then. Go on.
- 1749.
- How can you be so precise?
Oh, we have our ways. One of them being
it's carved on it, just there.
Linden and his problems got in the way.
- What of?
- That lunch we planned.
- Oh.
- How about tomorrow, before the auction?
OK.
Why did you visit me inside?
Oh, perhaps it's the one place
I felt safe with you.
Apart from which, I knew you were innocent.
We both did.
- Your old man as well?
- Mm-hm.
Just got to make a phone call, Janey.
- Hello.
- Hello, Dennis.
Done anything about your car yet?
I thought you'd like to know that George Palmer
and young Angie are doing a place right now.
Where?
- What do you reckon?
- Reserve of 40,000.
- Agreed.
- May I?
There are a lot of likely buyers out there.
A big dealer from London was in earlier.
Said he knew you.
- Who?
- Parrish. James Parrish.
- Lovejoy!
- Excuse me.
Lovejoy!
I told you two not to make a meal of it.
You'll be glad we did turn up.
Just don't clap when the
silver goes down, OK?
Patience, Lovejoy.
Tinker, who's the blue
suit with the red tie?
He's a big London dealer. James Parrish.
Specializes in silver.
- Ting-ting!
- Ha ha ha ha!
Lovejoy, Chas Bullivant wants to see you
up in his office.
- What about?
- He wouldn't say.
But if it's bad news, remember,
you have friends about you.
Yeah, I know, but why are they all skint?
- It looks good, it smells good, but it's rubbish.
- Hang on, Chas.
- The gear may be authentic, the hallmark isn't.
- Of course it is.
Knowing your past reputation, I had Jim Parrish
give it a thorough going over. 1765, agreed?
- So?
- That makes him a very clever man.
- He'd been dead for two years.
- Sh! Chas!
Chas! Chas, the stuff belongs
to a Linden Walker.
Now, a more honest chap
you couldn't wish to meet.
Major Walker, who wouldn't be seen dead
with you because he's a gentleman,
isn't here selling silver.
He's selling a book.
A book?
- Afternoon.
- Afternoon.
- Nice day for it.
- What?
Well, screwing the aristocracy.
Oh, my name's Hardwick, by the way.
But you can call me Bill.
Lovejoy!
Never heard of him.
600? Are you all done at £600?
Once, twice...
A Kirkwood baby grand,
sold to Major Walker. Thank you very much.
We turn now to an item which is not
in your catalogs, ladies and gentlemen,
but which has attracted
considerable interest.
It's a very fine copy of the second
collected edition of Chaucer's works,
edited by William Thynne, printed in 1532.
May I start you off at £10,000?
Thank you very much, madam.
15,000, thank you, sir.
£20,000. 25,000.
30,000. £35,000
40,000.
£45,000. £50,000.
Any advance on £50,000?
£60,000.
Yes, but he doesn't look
an honest man though, does he?
Tinker? What makes you say that?
I have known a few soldiers in my time.
Most of them ran wild back in Civvy Street.
Tink, wild? We're talking about
an officer and a gentleman.
Excuse me, sir. Is this your vehicle?
Maybe not much of a gentleman anymore,
but certainly an officer.
Khaki being thicker than water,
he gave Linden the book.
Not a bad return on capital, eh?
Three hundred makes sixty grand!
Well, it's nice to be
paid for our work at last.
He even gave us the three thousand
George Palmer took.
Oh, I'd forgotten about George. How goes
the case against he and his lady friend?
Didn't I tell you? Hardwick caught them
red-handed, turning over a big house near here.
Come on, Bruce. Show a little bit
of initiative, for goodness' sake.
Aunt May.
Couldn't bear to sell them.
Couldn't let them out of the family.
Let's keep them for very special occasions.
What do you say?
I'm still not washing up for my keep.
I'd rather go back to Windsor,
to loneliness and the
danger of being attacked.
- Or having a fall.
- Aunt May, on the domestic front I surrender.
However, I would like to discuss
some of your... other talents.
- Lovejoy! Who's he?
- Some kid collecting car numbers.
Who's playing the piano?
Oh.
Not finished yet, Auntie.
Now, any more requests?
Yes. What about that tune that introduces the
snooker on BBC2. Scott Joplin, isn't it?
- Excellent choice, if I may say so, sir.
- Thank you, Bruce.
- Excuse me.
- Hello, Justin.
- Oh, hello, Lovejoy.
- I'd like a word with you.
By the way, Lovejoy,
did Hardwick mention which house?
- Sorry?
- That George and Angela burgled?
Oh, he didn't have to. I already knew.