Lovejoy (1986–1994): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Italian Venus - full transcript

Going once at ?500.

Mrs. French.

Next item, box 98. A cornucopia
hunting horn, late 19th century.

- What lot is this?
- 98.

Ta.

Come on. There's a bronze I'm interested
in. It's a lovely piece of work.

Catalogue says Victorian after Landseer.

Fair enough. Except it isn't.

The casting's brilliant, though.
Thin shell's beautiful.

It's not often you see a fake
that's better than the original.

But it's the third one I've seen.



Whoever's making them's taking risks.

- Someone needs advice.
- For ?60.

- What's Rackham doing here?
- He's come to buy something.

I'm glad I brought you!

Lot 101.

- It's a little Victorian bronze.
- That's what he's doing here.

Who'll start me at ?300?

I'm looking for ?250.

?200 is an insult.
Do not spoil my morning, gentlemen.

It's a lovely little piece. Great charm.

Come, come, ladies and gentlemen!
No reserve. Look at it again.

?300. Thank you.

?350. ?400.

?450.



?500.

- Wonder if he means it.
- But you said it wasn't right.

It isn't. But either Rackham thinks it's right
or he's trying to establish it is right.

I wonder if he really means it.

?550. Thank you.
Any advance on ?550? ?550...

?600. ?650.

?700.

- ?750.
- He really means it.

?800. Any advance on 800?

All done? Thank you.

At ?800. Mr. Rackham.

No! I'm sorry, Lovejoy,
I know it was a very nice piece.

But, no, I do not have authorization
to name the vendor!

- Seriously, John.
- Seriously.

- Seriously seriously?
- Seriously seriously, no.

Pity about old Archie Duncannon, wasn't it?
Nasty heart attack.

- Who?
- Duncannon.

Medieval and Tudor carvings expert. V&A.

No, sorry.

I forgot what a pretty ignorant bunch
you are sometimes, John.

Now where's that minibus?

Should I take this stuff back to the shop?

Yes, you do. That's what you do, Eric.

And remember, no fish and chips, no
chewing gum, and don't leave it on Radio 1!

Good morning, darling.

Hello, Alex mate.
Thought you were in Tokyo.

Jane was hoping to pick you up, but she had a
meeting with the local conservation committee.

- She says you owe her a favor.
- Yeah.

Oh, yes, that. Yeah.

Do you have time to go to drinks with her?

- When?
- Now, really.

- Is that the favor?
- No, she'll tell you what the favor is.

You're going to drinks as a favor to me.

- You?
- Yes, they're awful people.

And I have to fly to Tokyo.

- You don't mind, do you?
- No, I don't mind.

- Ah, there you are.
- Well, he's agreed, as you can see.

- How was the conservation committee?
- Oh, old.

- Have a good time.
- Say?nara, Alexander.

Carey-Holden House.

Residence of Sir Hugo
Carey-Holden, baronet,

and his lovely wife Lady
Felicity Carey-Holden.

- What do you think?
- It's very nice. What am I doing here?

- We're here to spy.
- Ooh.

I want you to meet this half of the family.

- Why?
- I'll tell you later.

I have to warn you,
they're absolute prunes, this lot.

Hello!

- Oh! Pretty small prune.
- Jane, my dear.

How very, very lovely.

- Mm!
- Hugo. Uh... this is Lovejoy.

He's an art expert.

- He's also terribly good on the Grand Tour.
- Felicity?

- Yah?
- For you. Something to do with a tour.

Alex is tied up?

Ah, yes.

Come this way, will you?

This is Hugo's great-great-grandfather.

He did the grand tour in... 1795.

- This is a catalogue of what he brought back?
- Yes.

- From Italy?
- Mm?

- Only Italy?
- Um... yes.

- It's all still here, is it?
- Yes, quite a lot.

I mean nearly all of it, actually.

Sir Hugo'd be pleased if you could find any
individual pieces that might be worth insuring.

Individually, I mean.
Anything we ought to be super careful of.

Oh, surely.

The big auction houses
are so frightfully snotty.

They say that if there was anything
any good, then it's been sold already.

Of course, Hugo's grandfather
did sell a few things, but...

What is it?

- Nicolo Gorini.
- Really? Sorry, who Gorini?

Florence, 1530s.

Gosh.

Well, there you go.

It's not here in the house anymore.
I've been through everything.

I'd have remembered that.

What a shame. Heavens, that is a shame.

If you had it, it would be
worth more than your house.

- Really?
- Really.

Well, where does it say Gorini?

- It just says School of Florence.
- It is Gorini.

Look, put it this way.

Show me any other studio
that puts anal fins on seahorses

and this'll get my vote
as School of Florence.

There. You see it there?

- Yes, I suppose I do!
- See.

Nicolo Gorini,
famous for his animal physiology.

- Gosh. Was he?
- Mm.

- But really!
- I'm sorry, ladies, I'm gonna have to close.

- I'm sorry. Thanks anyway.
- Well!

- I'm sorry.
- Never mind. We'll go another day.

It's always like that.

Get down, you big bastard!

Good boy, good boy.

Really, it's very, very lovely.

Hugo. Mr. Lovejoy's pointed out
some fascinating things in the catalogue.

If only your grandfather
hadn't sold so much.

He was badly advised.

Yes. Yes, I suppose he was.

So you're an art expert, Mr. Killjoy?

Lovejoy. I'm a dealer.
You have to know a little bit to deal.

Well, I thank you for entertaining my wife.
Doesn't take much these days, I must admit.

- What?
- You heard.

What a slimeball!
Why did you want me to meet him?

Hugo is pretty indescribable, so there
wasn't much point in describing him, really.

You had to meet him.
What do you think of Felicity?

Trying to get free valuations out of me.
What's this about?

- You see the diamonds?
- Medium-size mortgages on most fingers.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Anal fins and all.

Pity about the nude not being on board,

but the question is
do I tell Mr. And Mrs. Slimeball?

- They don't deserve them. Don't think I will.
- Lovejoy?

What is this favor
that I'm supposed to owe you?

Oh, I haven't done it for you yet.
Come on, I told Emma we'd be there by now.

- Emma?
- Before Douglas gets back.

- Douglas?
- The other half of the family.

The Carey-Holdens are one of those dynasties
where the elder brother inherits the lot.

That's in order to keep
the family seat in the family.

- The younger brother lives here?
- Quite.

Carey-Holden Senior
left his affairs in a gigantic mess.

Well, Hugo has taken advantage of that.

- Jane!
- Oh, Anna.

Hi!

You've just missed Dougie.

Darling! Darling!

Hugo! Dougie's here.

He's looking quite smart.

Quite frankly,
Hugo's nailed Dougie to the floor.

He's always been jealous.

You see,

Dougie always got girlfriends.

Hugo got Felicity.

- What do you think of Felicity?
- Pass.

It wouldn't have been so bad if Dougie had
always known he wasn't going to get a bean.

But Hugo strung him along
with vague promises. But no lolly.

You see, Dougie's an artist.

- He do these?
- Mm-hm.

- Very good.
- He hasn't drawn anything like that for ages.

- He's a fool.
- He couldn't sell them.

I could. They're terrific.

It's difficult. Have you any notion of what it
takes to keep a place like this on its feet?

Just how difficult is it?

- How do you mean?
- You've been pissing me around for years.

- The donkey's finally seen the fishing rod.
- I'm sorry, I'm not with you.

I'm not leaving here without an answer.

To what?

How much of Father's money
are you going to make over to me? How much?

You understand the question.

Father left over two million. How much?

It was all tied up, you know.
The house, the pictures, the silver.

How much?

It's very important that a beautiful house such
as ours should be lived in as a family home.

How much?

There's not going to be anymore.

There's none to spare.

We got into debt.

We lost the house and had to move in here.

I'm working part-time,
otherwise we wouldn't manage.

We barely do.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I've got a bottle of something somewhere.

I won't be a minute.

- What am I doing here?
- She's my best friend. She needs help.

- Not from me.
- Thanks.

- I'm not a social service, Jane.
- There's something else.

I'm sorry. It's not fair to involve you.

I know, I'm sorry.

Listen, you just go.

It's... it's all right. I'm sorry.

Stop apologizing. Lovejoy?

Go on, tell me.

Hugo?

Douglas?

You can hardly expect me to sell
the family home to subsidize your painting.

You'll have to start selling
some of your paintings.

Or do something else, couldn't you?

Father left you practically nothing.

- I gave you ?10,000.
- Gave you, Dougie.

You bastard.
You showed me how to chuck it away.

- What are you talking about?
- You told me how to invest it.

- You didn't put it all in the same stock?
- Oh, dear.

Oh, Dougie.

I lost thousands. I lost three thousand
in a week. Three thousand!

Have you got any idea... Have you got the
faintest idea what that might mean to me?

Dougie, I'll tell you what I'll do.

- I'll make that up to you.
- Mm.

One thou, all right?

Check do?

I have a pen, thank you, darling.

You may be my younger brother, Dougie, but
you really must stand on your own two feet.

You really must, Dougie, hm?

Quite frankly, Sir Hugo,

you can take your check,

and work it slowly up Felicity's nose.

Oh.

- It's a question of money.
- He hasn't got any.

- No, that's the whole thing, he has!
- He's got talent and money?

Yes, well...

well, there is money now.

But I just don't know where it comes from.

I wasn't prying, really.
I wasn't checking up on him or anything.

I... I just happened to bump into someone

who did work
where he claimed he was working.

I don't know. I don't know which is worse.

Is he doing something really illegal?

But then he has been lying to me,
which is bad enough.

I just have to know.

I really do.

What?

Well, ten per cent of these. And
presumably he can still turn them out, hm?

Yeah, OK.

Eric, you lunatic! Shut up!

What are you still doing here?

I was followed. I've been hearing strange
noises all evening. I didn't fancy it.

- Fancy what?
- Leavin'.

Straight up. There was this bloke.
Didn't you see him? Tall, long hair.

You know, tofuburgers and brown rice type.
He was at the auction. He followed me here.

- Why didn't you ask him in instead of barking?
- Hey? What?

Oh, Eric, you worry me sometimes.

- Next time I'll throw myself a bone.
- Do that tomorrow.

- You're opening the shop.
- Am I?

Seven o'clock sharp.

- In the morning?
- I owe the landlady a favor.

Good night, Eric.

- Bye, darling.
- See you, darling.

No, but I told you that before.

- But that's where we want to do it.
- Oh, no, I... You can't.

Well, I'll have to...

- Jane, darling!
- Hello.

- Good to see you. Alex.
- Janey, hello!

- Oh, hello, Hugo.
- Mm.

Alexander. Good to see you back.

- How was... Tokyo?
- Tokyo.

By the way, who was that personage
that came with Jane the other day?

Lovejoy. Did he misbehave?

No, he didn't.
He was quite helpful, actually.

He's a very astute man, you know.

Well, he knows his fine art.

If you say so. Looked distinctly rum to me.

Appearances can be deceptive, though, Hugo.
I mean, who'd believe how clever you are?

Jane? You're wanted on the telephone.
It's the hospital.

- Oh!
- Just out here.

- Nothing serious, I hope?
- Excuse me.

Hugo.

Thank you. Hello?

Yes? Oh.

Yes, I... I see.

I'll be there right away.

- It's Lovejoy.
- Oh, it bloody would be.

- It was quite serious.
- Not serious enough.

- I'd better go to him.
- It'd better be your mother's angina again.

Sorry, darling.

Not half as sorry as I am.

He's in a small ward.
We keep the main ward for serious cases.

- He's not serious?
- No, not in any sense of the word.

The stupid man's discharged himself.

D'you see what I mean?

Yes. Totally unreliable.

But the Chancellor refused to
fulfill the market's dearest wishes.

With the details, over to Mark Gregory.

The 100 Share Index
jumped to 450 points

to close at 2346.2,
its highest since early February.

Meanwhile the pound soared...

- You look terrible.
- So do you.

- I want you to come with me.
- Why?

Because if your husband tries to kill me again,
I want you there as a witness. Get your coat.

But...

Those stitches were put in by a student. I've
seen better needlework on a Sunday joint.

- Shut up, Eric.
- I'm sorry!

Come on.

Yes, I bet he did!

Ah, Jane! Look who's returned to the fold.

- So sorry, darling.
- That's all right.

Sorry, Hugo.

How's Mother's angina?

Oh, she's totally irresponsible.

- She's discharged herself from hospital.
- She's done this before.

The hospital tells us it's quite serious,
along we go with grapes and sympathy

and, lo and behold,
she's discharged herself.

She's a bit of an old delinquent,
really, and a fraud.

But she hasn't been had up
for robbery with violence yet.

Come on.

- Hello.
- You found something?

I don't know.
Was Dougie ever interested in sculpture?

I suppose so. He used to work
in a foundry that cast them.

- Ah.
- Hm?

- Quick!
- No! No!

You look terrible!

Hello, Dougie.

- What are you doing here? Who are you?
- You almost killed him!

- Why were you following me?
- Jane asked him to.

- What's Jane got to do with it?
- I was worried about you.

You set this up?

Don't start with her.

You go off every morning with your satchel and
your sandwich, and you're not going to school.

- Tell me, do you model as well as cast these?
- Yes.

I had to do something.

- I lost a lot of money!
- Don't be so defensive. I'm an admirer.

Yeah, and you almost killed him!

- I didn't mean to hurt you! I...

- I couldn't allow this place to be discovered.
- Sure.

- I took you to hospital.
- Oh, thank you.

I'm sorry.

- I lost a lot of money.
- Yeah, I've been thinking about that.

What are you talking about?

- You've got a drink here?
- No.

Come on. I need a drink.

It's terribly kind of you, Lovejoy, really.
But I can't do anything illegal.

I mean, if it were for
myself, believe me...

But I've messed things up for Anna
enough as it is.

- What is it you think you're doing now?
- Nothing illegal at least.

Those bronzes of yours are being bought
as early Victorian and sold on as such.

- I don't call them Victorian.
- Doesn't matter.

You know they're being sold as Victorian.

If anything happens, it'll be pinned on
you. You'll be the first in the Magimix.

- Why?
- Because you have no power.

Because you're an innocent. Look at you.

Market cred sub-zero.

I still don't want to do anything illegal.

Oh, shut up.
Don't go on about your scruples.

I'm talking about something brilliant.
I'm talking about revenge.

Revenge?

How would you like to take your brother
to the cleaners for 200 grand?

I think he'd like that.
Really. Quite a lot.

How?

What do you know about Nicolo Gorini?

A lot. His are the best nudes in the quincento.
I prefer them to the quattrocento.

I thought you'd know that. Look.

- What about Gorini?
- You're gonna make one.

- What?
- A Venus about so high.

But first we have to meet
another admirer of yours.

That is not a fake. You bid for it.
I'd stake my reputation on it.

- I wouldn't. Your reputation's impressive.
- Look at it, Lovejoy.

- I've looked at it.
- Then you haven't seen.

- Have you sold anything like it?
- One or two similar. Yes, why?

- As what?
- Early Victorian genre.

I'm still researching the artist.

Look no further. Douglas Holden.

I don't believe you.
This is a lost wax casting of a...

You see the problem, Gervaise.

You really made these?

Very well.

Technically speaking, you have recaptured
the refinement of the ancient world.

That's what I reckoned.

And I'd imagined you as a struggling artist
in a Regency garret.

Council house, actually.

I have a feeling that this conversation
is about to take on a most unpleasant tone.

- Could be right.
- Why?

- I thought so. Blackmail, I presume?
- Nearly.

- How nearly?
- Need half a day of your time.

- Why?
- To identify a Gorini.

What? A Gorini?

- You're going to fake a Gorini?
- It's what he says.

You must be mad. Absolutely not.

You're a very talented boy,
very, but absolutely not.

A Gorini? Goodness!

I mean, you're asking me to put my name to a
fraud that might top a million or more! No!

- And again, no!
- Don't get so excited, Gervaise.

Calm yourself. You'll give yourself
a heart attack like old Archie Duncannon.

All we're asking you to do is identify
a genuine Gorini as a genuine Gorini.

What?

Well, it's these people we know.

They've got one lying around in their
garden. They've got providences.

They're a bit stupid, though.

So we want you to tell 'em
exactly what it is they've got.

- See?
- Yes?

Mm, that's all.

Leave the rest to us.

You can do that, can't you?

I suppose so, yes.

Good.

Lovejoy?

- Hm?
- What have you done to yourself?

Oh, this big strapping lad here tied
me in a chair, banged me over the head.

I'm not surprised, dear.

I'm gonna get the details of the Venus in the
catalogue at your brother's house tomorrow.

- Just like that?
- I'll tell them I've found the Gorini Venus.

But it's separated from its shell. I need the
details from the catalogue to verify it.

Hugo won't want it. He thinks art's
something that comes on Christmas cards.

When he discovers the shell's in his family,
he'll want it. I'll make him want it.

How will he find out
that he's got the shell?

Gervaise Rackham will tell him, eventually.

That's definitely it.
You don't mind, do you?

No, no, carry on.

- Hello.
- Oh, Hugo darling?

Hello.

Mr. Lovejoy may have located the Italian
bronze group I was telling you about.

The Gorini in the catalogue, remember?

- No, that's not exactly what I said, love.
- Oh.

Thank god. I thought you wanted me
to buy the bloody thing.

I thought you said... What did you mean?

- The piece has been broken up.
- Mm?

Now, I found the nude Venus.

The shell with the
seahorses is still missing.

Oh, I see. Oh, well... Yes, but it'd
still be worth buying, wouldn't it?

- Why?
- The house needs one bit of quality about it.

For God's sake, darling,
that's my... what's-his-name.

Yes, but this is
a one-in-a-million opportunity.

It's the best thing your great-grandfather
got hold of. It's up for sale. I think...

Do you? Well, you don't have to pay
the bloody insurance premiums.

- Mm.
- What do you think, Mr...

Just Lovejoy.
It would cost a lot to insure.

And if that is going to be a worry,
I'd walk away from it if I was you.

Quite. Quite right.

Oh, Hugo.

Oh, darling.

Supposing this thing were...

Would you just turn that over for me?

Thank you.

- Is that it?
- Uh-huh.

Supposing this were all back together,
what would that be worth?

About two million, properly promoted.

And the statue thing on its own?

Two hundred and fifty thousand.

I'm not spending a quarter of a million just
so we can say we've got a piece of quality.

Well, you wouldn't. The sellers don't know it's
a Gorini. They think it's School of Florence.

Oh.

- And what are they asking?
- Ninety-five.

Do you have a moral problem
about making ?100,000, Mr. Lovejoy?

Why on earth don't you buy
the damn thing yourself?

I can't raise that kind of money.

And bankers need letters from experts
like Archie Duncannon, Gervaise Rackham.

If I bring those kind of people in,
I've blown it, haven't it?

So you're prepared to tell us
who's about to sell this...

- Venus.
- No, not until we've discussed my fee.

- Which would be?
- Five per cent each end.

Four and a half thousand each end?

Not bad for a day's work.
I should take it up myself.

Modest for a lifetime's
experience, Sir Hugo.

And that would be 2,000 in advance.

Well, I'll think about it.

Um... my wife will let you know.

Yes, I will. Carry on.

Hugo, thank you.

Oh, a man of most surprising skills.

A nice old pornographer taught me,
in one of Her Majesty's holiday camps.

- What do we do about Hugo and Felicity?
- We wait.

Hugo thinks there's Gorini on the market
at a knock-down price.

Knock-down because
the vendors don't know it's a Gorini.

He's tempted, but 95 grand's 95 grand.

He's only got my word it's a Gorini.

What he needs is confirmation from an expert
that what's in the catalogue is a Gorini.

I've fed him a couple of names.

- One of them's hospitalized.
- And the other?

Gervaise Rackham.

Yes? Oh.

Hello, Lady Holden.

Yes. Yes, I expect I can do that.

What time shall we say?

For lunch? That would be perfect.

That's very distressin'.

Eric, get me a couple of those
hand-cut Georgian nails, would you?

I want to add a few personal touches
to the inside.

Hello?

Lovejoy. Ah.

Your foul little plan
appears to be working.

- When are you gonna see them?
- Lunch time tomorrow.

She sounds a perfect nightmare, a
brainless woman headlong in pursuit of art.

I hate you, Lovejoy.

Really quite profoundly.

Two hand-cut Georgian nails.

Get yourself a bone while you're at it,
Eric. You're minding the store again.

Hugo! Hugo, he's here.

- Who?
- Rackham.

- For God's sake, don't mention the name...
- Gorini.

That's it. Let him find out for himself.

No, all I've done is ask him to come and
check the attributions in the catalogue.

- Good girl, Flickers.
- Oh!

Ah. Ah, yes.

- What is it?
- Excuse me. Sir Hugo?

- Do you have this piece in the house?
- Why?

Because if you do, I suggest you remove it
to the bank as soon as possible.

- It's valuable, you mean?
- Valuable?

I only know of one other piece like it
in the world. It's by Gorini.

Lunch?

- Darling, I really think...
- Yes, yes, all right.

Mr. Rackham,
I think we'd better come clean.

- This Lovejoy fellow claims to have found...
- The Venus component of the group.

That's it, and we're considering buying it
if the price is right.

Oh?

We'd like to retain you
to find the other half.

- Oh.
- Is that a problem?

Well, I'm sorry, Sir Hugo, but it's like
asking me to find a needle in a haystack.

Yes, of course.

Once they know what I'm after,
you'd be held to ransom.

- Understood.
- Good. Sir Hugo?

Don't think I'm being impertinent,

but you realize how much
you'd have to pay for the Venus?

Yes, but the vendors don't know what it is.

- Darling.
- Sorry.

Oh, well,
that makes a great deal more sense.

Congratulations.

- I wonder...
- What?

Would you mind if I had a look
at your lovely garden?

- Now?
- And hear your plans for it.

- What plans?
- Never mind, darling.

I'd love a breath of fresh air. Do come.

One per cent once you make the purchase.

That could be thirty or
forty thousand pounds.

Well, that's if I can find it.

You'll send me a note
with the terms, won't you?

Of course, and you'll send an invoice
for your services for today.

Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

What is it?

- Look!
- What?

The fountain.

Oh, the pressure's a bit low, that's all.

- It was a verbal agreement!
- Not the same thing.

How would you have found the shell
if I hadn't spotted it?

I'm appalled, Sir Hugo! Appalled!

I can't imagine why you think
you should be ?30,000 better off

just because you walked
past my goldfish pond.

- Exactly.
- Very well.

My fee for today will be ?1,000,
and you shall hear no more from me.

That will include VAT, will it?

- Very sensible, Mr. Rackham.
- That's settled, then.

- Shall I order some tea? I'm dying for a cup.
- I wouldn't mind some pudding.

Lovejoy.

Janey?

What's this favor you haven't done me?
Apart from the one you haven't done me.

Or is it gonna be that one at last, hm?

- Lovejoy.
- Uh... Sir Hugo Carey-Holden here.

I've decided to go ahead
with the purchase of the statue thing.

I don't think you'll want to now, Sir Hugo.
The deal's as good as dead.

- What do you mean?
- I think they've rumbled what they're on to.

They haven't mentioned Gorini.
But they've obviously taken advice.

You should forget about it, Sir Hugo.
Maybe next time, eh?

- Yes... very well.
- Hugo, what?

Well... how much are they asking,
as a matter of interest?

It's 212,000 for cash.

It would be 250,000 auction price.

But with no seller's premium or VAT
and a bit off for cash, 212,000.

No negotiation.

212.

As I said, Sir Hugo, I think you should
forget about it. Maybe next time, eh?

- Give my best wishes to your wife.
- Uh...

Well, don't look at me. I don't know.
It depends on how greedy Sir Hugo is.

Well, how greedy does he have to be?

He knows that separately the Venus
and the shell are worth 300,000

but together they're
worth over two million.

He doesn't have to be greedy.
He just has to know his seven times table.

Believe me, he's greedy.

- Hello?
- Uh... it's Sir Hugo Carey-Holden again.

Ah, Sir Hugo.

- Flickers!
- Coming!

Hello!

Two thousand pounds, wasn't it?

It's five per cent,
but the price has changed.

You're prepared to exploit our bad luck
over the price going up?

I don't think that's quite fair,
do you, Mr. Lovejoy?

Anyway, Sir Hugo's left instructions that
I can't pay you any more than we agreed.

I don't blame you for trying it on.

But we really can't let you get away
with taking that sort of advantage, can we?

Hm?

- What?
- It's as plain as the nose on your face.

The ugly sisters haven't spotted it yet,
but it's a lamp on a table!

- Are you sure?
- Jane, please.

I've been dreaming about that bronze.

Grandpa Carey-Holden must have chopped it
up when he decided to make that fountain.

- They may not make the connection.
- It's a lamp on a table, Jane!

Hm. Well, what do you want me to do?

Keep her out of the way
while I take care of him.

Right.

Sorry! Could I find the keys?
Anyway, so sorry.

Isn't this fun? So sweet of you to invite
me. I love sneaking off with girlfriends.

- What about Spofs for lunch?
- Fine.

- We'll go in mine. I can drop you back here.
- Oh, right.

- Uh-huh?
- OK.

Hello? Hello?

Come in.

Sir Hugo.

Two hundred and twelve thousand.

I've got a surprise for you.

Do you mind if we take a detour, Jane? I've
got a little surprise I want to show you.

I'd like your expert opinion on this.

You found it. My God, that was quick.

It was here all the time.

Didn't take long, once we knew
what we were looking for.

You are a very fortunate man, Sir Hugo.

My wife'll be here shortly.

Careful.

Two million.

- Here we are.
- Your place? But...

Well, here's your banker's
draft for ?212,000.

- It's a cash equivalent at the bank.
- Mm.

And here's your check for 2,500.

- Are you sure you won't stay?
- Mm.

- Have you got it? Where is it?
- Over there.

Ah! There!

Jane! What do you think?

Florentine. 1530-ish.

Nicolo Gorini. Our expert said he'd only
seen one like it in the whole world.

Isn't she lovely?

- Oh. Are you leaving?
- I'm not feeling too well.

Oh. So sorry. Bye.
Anyway, what d'you think, Jane?

- Isn't it gorgeous?
- Lovely.

- You can't stop there.
- I can.

- You'll have to move it now.
- No.

You cannot park on a yellow line.

No, I'm sorry... I'm sorry
but could you please...

- Off you go. Do your duty.
- Yes, I will.

I'd like to cash these, please. I've spoken
to the manager, and he's expecting me.

I won't be a second.

- Would you come this way, Mr. Lovejoy?
- Thank you.

Oh, it's lovely.

So it bloody well should be.

Looks as if it's always been there.
As though it's very familiar.

- Come along, Jane. You must be starving.
- Yeah.

The consignment was a little bulky
so we had it made up into a parcel for you.

- Thank you.
- If you'd just sign...

Oh.

- Thank you, love!
- I'm sorry, there is no need to snatch!

And look, you realize the fine has gone up.

- It's an offence...
- You're doing a wonderful job.

- Your inheritance, Douglas.
- A bit of it anyway.

Pardon the liberty, Dougie. This should
take care of the champagne, Eric.

What about my lager? And the crisps,
dry-roasted, pork scratchings?

Rackham's been flashing your bronze horse
around the trade. The praise is universal.

You are now a supplier of focal objets
to the interior designer trade.

- Am I?
- You need an agent. 10% to Rackham or me.

You don't have to decide immediately.
I'll count to three, OK?

Janey?

What was this favor?

Ah. How about two months' free rent?

Oh, am I being very mean?
I am terribly grateful.

How grateful?

Not that grateful.

- Oh! Lovejoy? What if...

If they find out,
we'll tell them where the real thing is.

They're a million and a half up.

Sir Hugo's not gonna make a fool of himself by
telling the world he's made a fool of himself.

- Yeah?
- Listen, Toyboy...

- Sir Hugo!
- I've got two bronzes here.

The next time you come round here
I'm gonna shove...