Lovejoy (1986–1994): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Axeman Cometh - full transcript

Who'll start me at 100?
100 for a start.

100, I'm bid. 100, I'm bid.

Who'll give me 10, who'll make it 110?
I'm looking for 110.

100? 110 I'm bid. 110?

Who'll make it 20?
Come on, gentlemen, who'll make it 20?

120, I'm bid. It's with you, madam, at 120.

Do I hear 50? 150 anywhere?

Come on, gentlemen, that's a genuine antique.
They don't come up every day. 150?

150 I'm bid.

Come on, gentlemen, I'm looking for 350.

350 anywhere?



Don't lose it, madam,
don't lose it for another 50.

350 anywhere? 350 I'm bid.

At 350. Who'll make it four?
I'm looking for four.

Any more? At 350.

Are you all done? At 350? At 350...

Lovejoy.

♪ You better run, you better hide,
you better lock your house... ♪

Now, there are many
of you standing here who probably know me.

I've been here for many years.
I've lived in the village for 18 years,

but before that I was born here.

My family lived here for the last 500...
more than 500 years.

During that time...

the village has remained...

the beautiful place it has always been.



But I want you to join me in protesting...

Hello, Lovejoy.
Fancy the jelly glass, do you?

with the requirement
for the removal and destruction

of the most interesting, most beautiful,
oldest buildings in the village.

Lovejoy?

Lovejoy?

Hello, Lovejoy, how are ya?

- Do you want breakfast, Lovejoy?
- Please, Woody.

A cup of Earl Grey, perhaps.

You know what that is,
don't you, Mr. Lovejoy?

I can see it's not a singing telegram.

Ten thous... Ten thousand pounds?

You people a banana short of a bunch?
I haven't got that kind of money.

Mr. Lovejoy, the Inland Revenue

has not had a penny out of you
for the past three years.

Look, that's only just over 3,000 a year.

Oh, only 3,000 a year, is that all?
You had me worried for a minute.

- How do you propose to pay it?
- Pay it?

I can't pay it, well,
I mean not all in one go.

- You could go to prison, you know.
- Look, um...

I'm sure there's a benevolent streak somewhere
in an attractive woman like you, mm?

Would you consider giving me time to pay?

How much had you in mind?

- About a decade.
- How about a month?

- How about six?
- Make it two and you've got a deal.

You don't have a pearl-handled revolver
in there somewhere, do you?

Oh, I'm sure you'll manage, Mr. Lovejoy.

You strike me as being
one of life's natural survivors.

Do I?

We'll be monitoring your
progress, Mr. Lovejoy.

I bet you will.

- Have you get any rat poison, Woody?
- I've put it in already.

One of the joys of buying
rare and beautiful things

is coming to a sale like this.

Now, most of the punters here are farmers

who are here to bid each other sky-high
over a roll of tangled chicken wire,

a dozen bald tires and an old Cortina,
oh, non-runner, of course.

What they don't know
is that beneath this pile of crap

is something so valuable
that if they bought it,

they wouldn't have to look
at a cow's udder for 12 months.

But they won't buy it because they
neither have the knowledge nor the skill,

but I have and I will.

Tink?

Tink? What...

- What are you doing?
- Hello, Lovejoy.

I didn't think you were gonna make it.

Why did you drag me down?
This... really is a load of crap.

Oh, you're wrong there, Lovejoy.
As President Reagan would say,

- "You ain't seen nothing yet."
- Well, where is it?

All in good time,
Lovejoy, all in good time.

- So who was this Catesby, then?
- He was a local scrap merchant

and a terrible farmer.

I saw this whole place go to ruin
when his son went inside.

- What for?
- I don't know.

I think he got four years for grievous bodily
harm and burglary, something like that.

- What about that, then?
- What about it?

- 18th-century, all oak, Welsh dresser.
- Half missing.

No, it's not, I gathered up all pieces
this morning with my own bare hands.

All this chicken shit, it burns the wood.

Not this, though, that's 300 years old
if it's a day. It's as hard as bell metal.

- Any worm?
- Nothing that a cupful of Polyfilla

and a gob of beeswax wouldn't cure.

I saw one of these knocked down last month
for 1500 quid and that was to the trade.

- What's Gimbert's estimate?
- He'll be happy with 5.

- Any competition?
- Just a bunch of scrap merchants

and pig farmers who couldn't tell a Welsh
dresser from Welsh rabbit.

- There is a Frenchman though, Vol or...
- Vial?

Vial ready money merchant, wholesaler.
Divides his time between London and Dijon.

- Surprised there's no watermark.
- He wants to view this though.

- What did you tell him?
- That it was under a bale of hay

and I'd root it out for him.

I mentioned it was good for nothing
but firewood,

but he said he'd bid for it
anyway, sight unseen.

Well, it might not be a... bad idea
just to show him anyway.

That's not fair, Lovejoy,
you're gonna get us into trouble.

I stopped being fair
the day I started selling this stuff.

Lay that down and cover
it over with stuff, eh?

There'll be a little something
in this for you, Tinker.

It usually is a little something.

Ah, just the man I want to see.

Hello, Charlie,
still auctioning rubbish, I see.

And I gather you're still selling it.

Now look, you still owe me £400
for that long-case clock.

- It's been over a month.
- My, my how time flies.

- Represent the check.
- I did. It's been returned twice already.

You know the reason I haven't shifted
that clock is because it has no insides,

as if you didn't know.

Caveat emptor, Lovejoy. Caveat emptor.

Now look, I'm gonna be totally
open and honest with you.

I mean, if you say so, Charlie.

I'm thinking of serving you
with a writ for the money.

Come to think of it,
you should get it within the week.

- Oh, well, I might not be there then.
- What?

- You're actually leaving?
- Not exactly.

I was hoping that you'd re-house me,
that is until the local health inspector

declares our drains free of blockage
and contamination.

What do you mean, contamination?

Ah, you see, that just shows you how long since
you've been there sniffing around, doesn't it?

It's not exactly a pleasant accompaniment
to my organically grown mange-tout.

Stinks, doesn't it, Eric?

- I mean, it really stinks.
- Yeah, summat stinks all right.

Vial.

Mr. Gimbert?

Telephone call in the house, Mr. Gimbert.

I'll be out there, Lovejoy.
I'll be out there.

The minute that dresser goes down,

I want you and Tinker
to strap it on the roof rack,

I want you behind the wheel
and the engine running, OK?

If you say so.

What's the matter with you?

My dad pays you good money
to teach me about antiques.

I'm teaching you, aren't I?

What's a getaway driver got to do
with antiques all of a sudden?

On your bike.

- You bidding for the dresser?
- You call that salopie a dresser?

I thought you French
would have gone for that in a big way.

Oh! Lovejoy, if I took
that piece of junk back to France,

they would arrest me
for aesthetic pollution.

- You're not interested?
- You are... you are joking.

Oh, I thought I might go to 150 on it.

I know a very weird collector
who's got a house full of that stuff.

- You're welcome to it.
- Well, thank you.

Oh, and... just for that,
I won't bid for the sampler.

Oh, that's big of you.

Lot 110, a Welsh dresser,
18th-century solid seasoned oak.

A spectacular piece.
Who'll start me at 100?

100 for a start, anywhere. 100, I'm bid.

Who'll make it 110? I'm looking for 110.

110, I'm bid. Who'll make it 120?

120 I'm looking for.

With you, madam, at 120.
Bid's with you at 120.

I'm looking for 50, who'll give me 150?

Come on gentlemen, cheap at the price,
150 I'm bid.

Who'll give me 200? Who'll give me two?
Who'll give me two?

200, 200. I'm bid.
It's with you, madam, at 200.

Who'll give me 250?

250 anywhere? 250, 250, I'm bid.
250, I'm bid, who'll give me three?

Who'll make it three? I'm looking
for three, ladies and gentlemen. 300?

This fine Welsh dresser for 300.
Don't lose it, madam,

don't lose it for another 50.

300, I'm bid, 300 I'm bid.

Who'll make it 350? I'm looking for 350.

Come on, gentlemen, I'm looking for 350.

350 anywhere?

Who'll give me 350?
350 I'm bid, 350, I'm bid.

Who'll make it four? Any more?

Four anywhere?

Do I hear four anywhere?

- You shouldn't go any higher than that, honey.
- Do I hear four? Who'll give me four?

Who'll give me four?

Four, anyone?

At 350, Lovejoy.

Lot 111, a wardrobe...

You ringed that, Lovejoy,
you and that Frenchman have ringed it.

It should have gone for five at the very least.
I've got a bloody good mind to put it back in.

Now, just a moment, just a moment.
Monsieur Vial, Monsieur?

- Un moment, s'il vous plait.
- Ten, ten anywhere? Six I'm bid.

Mr. Gimbert here is accusing you and me
of ringing the auction,

- what do you say to that?
- Moi? For your so-called Welsh dresser?

Monsieur, you and your company
should be prosecuted

under the Trade Descriptions Act.

The man who writes your catalogues
does not even know where Wales is.

Quel con!

Another thing, Monsieur,
take me off your Christmas card list.

Merde! La vache!

Watch yourself, Catesby.

- Are you Gimbert?
- I beg your pardon.

- I said, are you Gimbert?
- I'll call you back, dear.

- Yes, that's me, why?
- My name's Catesby.

You've just sold all my dad's
stuff, haven't you?

- Oh, you're the one who was in...
- Got it in one.

Good behavior.

Good behavior. Now, about the sale.

Look, why don't you, uh, take a seat,
make yourself comfortable?

Now, as I was saying, about the sale.

Oh, there's nothing left, Mr. Catesby.

Our instructions were quite clear,
the entire residue had to be handed over

to the Inland Revenue,
less commission and expenses...

I know all about that,
that's not what I'm here for.

- Then what are you here for?
- I'm here for the dresser.

- Dresser, what dresser?
- The Welsh dresser!

It were in the hay shed,
it's not there now!

Well, in that case, it must have been sold.

Then you'd better unsell it, hadn't you?

Mr. Catesby,
with the best will in the world,

I can't retrieve something
which has been sold at an auction.

The sale constitutes a
legally binding contract.

And even if I could, the owner may not...

While I was in the poky,
my solicitor wrote you a letter

telling you not to put the dresser
in the sale 'cause it were mine.

It never belonged to my dad.

It was left to me by my gran, it was.

Mine to keep and to give to my kids.

Well, I can't ever remember
receiving such a letter.

Well, why don't you
check your records, then?

Yes, yes, why don't I do just that?

I'm sure there's a perfectly
simple explanation, Mr. Catesby.

Are you all right, Mr. Gimbert?

- Do you want me to call somebody?
- No, it's all right, Fred, it's all right.

Let's see.

Aah.

Oh, I see.

- Yes.
- Were I right or were I right?

Yes, yes, you were right, Mr. Catesby.

I'm afraid you were right.

Ah, yes, the dresser was sold to a Mr...

Lovejoy, for £350.

Now, what I suggest, Mr. Catesby, is...

I make you out a check for the dresser
at sale price plus another 50 on top.

No! That's not good enough.

I want it.

I want it delivered to the dell
by one o'clock tomorrow.

You see, Mr. Gimbert,
my great-grandfather's great-grandfather

- took part in the Gunpowder Plot.
- Oh?

And we Catesbys...

have a thing about keeping tradition alive,

if you get my meaning.

I think you've made your point, Mr. Catesby.
I think you've made your point.

Hello, Malcolm? It's Lovejoy.

I'm fine, thank you.
Listen, are you still into Welsh dressers?

Oh, yeah. Well, I've got a lovely one.

Yeah, It's got a lovely look to it,
this one, 18th-century, four-door.

What am I looking for?

Well, I thought about
two and a half thousand.

Don't force it, you pillock,
you might scratch the wood.

There's something stopping it.

It's just one of my laborers
about to ruin something.

No, I can't let it go for less than two
and I'm giving it away at that.

Tell you what, you come down, have a
look at it, and bring your checkbook.

- Have you marked it?
- I haven't touched it.

Get off!

It feels like some... chain or something.

There, all that's needed
is a little subtlety at times, hm?

- Lovejoy?
- What?

Lovejoy!

What is it?

Oh! That's amazing, Eric.

- It's real bloody gold.
- What is it?

- It's an Arab wedding headdress.
- What's it worth?

- I don't know what it's worth.
- Well, is it valuable?

Is the Pope Polish? Get the book.

- Which book?
- Friedberg's Gold Coins Of The World.

Look under Italy, Venice. Ludov Manin Dux.

- These are zecchini, Eric.
- I thought that was spaghetti.

Venetian two-ducat pieces.

"Louis Manin, Doge of Venice, 1789 to 1797,

"two-ducat pieces, $2250."

There's 12 of them at
$2250, that's $27,000!

We've cracked it, Eric,
we've cracked it, we've cracked it.

It's Gimbert. Act normal.

I am acting normal.

Hard at it, eh?

Oh, yes, just trying to earn
an honest crust, you know.

What brings you here? Oh, the drains.
Brought your sniffer dogs, have you?

I'm here under a flag of truce
as a matter of fact, Lovejoy.

Ha, bloody ha.

I'll come straight to the point,
a terrible mistake has been made

- and I'll be the first to admit it.
- Yes, well, £400 for a clock

with half its insides missing
is a bit much, I'll grant you that.

- Not the clock, the dresser.
- What about it?

- I want a favor from you.
- What?

- I'd like to buy it back.
- Can't.

- Why not?
- Sold.

What do you mean it's sold?
It's still here.

It was a telephone deal, vendido, vendu.
That's it, I'm afraid.

Look, Lovejoy, I'll give you the
auction price plus another fifty on top.

- Now how about that?
- 400?

You must be joking, I sold it for a grand.

A grand?

Look, the thing is, it shouldn't have
appeared in the sale in the first place.

- Ahh?
- Look, all right,

cock-up on our part,
call it what you will...

But you have to buy it back at any price.

That's the general idea.

But I've no intention of crawling for it,
if that's what you think.

Tell you what.

This may generate a pint or two
of bad blood amongst the brotherhood

but let's go for it, eh?

Let's call the dresser 400.

- That's exactly what I had in mind.
- No, no, no, I haven't finished yet.

- A little VAT perhaps?
- No VAT.

- I still owe you 400 for the clock, right?
- That's right.

- That's around 800 in all?
- Mm-hm.

You give me 400.
You can take the dresser with you.

That's 800 quid.
That's robbery with violence, Lovejoy.

- Take it or leave it.
- One of these days, Lovejoy...

No, no, don't open your eyes, don't, don't.

Shh. Take your hands away,
keep your eyes closed.

- All right, now open them.
- Oh, Lovejoy, it's beautiful.

- I knew it would suit you.
- What is it?

It's an Arab wedding headdress,
it's a part of the dowry,

these... these pieces at the front,
these are all solid gold.

Oh, gosh!

I bet Alexander never gave you one of those
when he waltzed you down the aisle, did he?

Where on earth did you get it from?

It isn't stolen, is it?

Do we have to bring mistrust
and suspicion into this?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.

- What I meant was...
- I know what you meant.

Is it yours?

Well, legally speaking,
that's a bit of a gray area.

But... let's just say yes.

- Shall we?
- You are going to sell it?

Of course I'm going to sell it.
That's why I'm going to London.

- That's where you come in.
- Oh I do, do I?

Yes, I thought that I'd, erm,

take you away from all this
toil and drudgery for a few days and...

And what?

I thought we'd start with
a little romantic music

and then a few candle-lit
suppers and then...

do whatever it is that grown up men
and women do when they're together.

We've been through all this before.
I can't come, you know that.

What's the point of being married
to a man who's never here?

What does he do apart from keep you
in cashmere sweaters

and hand-made shoes?

I don't think that's any concern of yours.

I know, but diplomacy
was never my strong suit, Jane.

You will never know what you're missing.

You only get one crack at the title.

I'm sure you'll tell me all about it
when you get back.

I'm sure I will.

- Where do you want it?
- Right here!

Sign here, please.

Right, boys, I think it's time we left.

Permission to come aboard, sir.

Salope, tu m'as bien eu, hein?
What do you want?

- Some of that precious rum, Captain.
- No.

- Yes.
- I hope you have come to apologize.

Good God, Vial,
I'm surprised you don't sink.

Let me worry about that.

- What about the bloody dresser?
- What about...

The dresser.

Well, you were well out of there,
mon cher, was a repro.

Yes, a repro. But you switched it, Lovejoy,

You switched it and that's not cricket.

The only similarity between cricket
and this game

is that they are both
played with a hard ball.

Now, how much do you want for this?

Not for sale. And don't wave it around,
it might still be loaded.

After two hundred years?

Pourquoi pas?

The way you treat your stuff, Vial.

Best stuff goes to France
there is nothing left here over ten quid.

The poor man's antiques, you might say.
You want a coffee?

No, makes me nervous.

Oh!

It's beautiful. It's not stolen, is it?

What do you take me for?

- What do you want to do with it?
- What do I want to do with it?

Want to offload it,
that's what I want to do with it.

I'm not into gold.
You want to ask the Frommers.

- Who?
- The Frommers, the Jewish men.

They are always going round the market
buying up scrap gold and silver.

It's not scrap. It's antique.

Je suis pas aveugle. I can see that.

I tell you what,
you do my store with me tomorrow

and just wait until they show up.

Did you hear what happened to the girl
who fell asleep on the synagogue steps?

I thought you were Vial.

- What's the punch line?
- Oh, she woke up under a heavy Jew.

- You by any chance the Frommer?
- Oy vey. Am I the Frommer, he asks me.

- Who did you think I was? Pancho Villa?
- You never know these days.

Erm, you got any scrap?
Anything that you want to melt?

My, my.

- Is it kosher?
- Arab, actually.

- Well no matter, no matter.
- Want you to price it for me.

- No sooner said than done Mr... er...
- Lovejoy.

My name is Frobel, by the way.

Erm, shall we retire to the office?

- Frobel, how are you?
- As always, Vial, as always.

You do know what it is, don't you?

Well it's certainly not latkes or pickle,
that's for sure.

- Where did you get it?
- It fell out of the sky.

The only thing that falls out of the sky
in this country, Mr. Lovejoy, is bird shit.

Yes, just hold it there, will you?

Ah.

Well it does say Ludov Manin ducats, mm?

I mean, they are two-ducat pieces.

Ducat, shmucat, no value,
they've got holes in them.

- Wait!
- How am I supposed to weigh it?

Oh, go on.

Hold that, will you?

Now hold this.

10.5 grams exactly.

Times, uh, one, two,
three, four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine, ten,
11, 12, is 126 grams

at £8 a gram...

£1008 exactly.

- Scrap value!
- What do you mean, scrap value?

I'm giving you £8 a gram.

Fine gold fix is worth only £8.50.

I'm only making 5%,
may only end up with two.

Oh, take it or leave it,
that's the best I can do.

We're talking antiques, not scrap.

- Well then, knock it out to a punter.
- Take a good look at it.

It's a collector's dream. The coins alone
must be worth at least a grand.

Well then, be charitable,
give some to Oxfam.

Either that or put it in for the melt.

You don't want the deal?

Not at that price.

Look, I tell you what I do,

as a special favor to a friend of Vial's,
I'll run it for you.

- You'll run it for me?
- Yes, I'll run it for you,

I'll take it round to few people
I know in the trade.

Let me have it for a few days,
I'll see what I can do.

Oh, as in, "You go ahead
with the frankincense and myrrh,

"and I'll follow on with the gold"?

- I did not come up on the down train.
- All right, already.

- Where are you staying?
- With Vial.

So, look, you don't do anything with it
for a couple of days.

I'll see what I can do. All right?

I will be.

All righty.

- Yeah?
- I'm looking for Mr. Lovejoy.

He's not here.

- Why don't you come in?
- Are you sure he's not here?

Who are you? A dealer?

No, I'm from the Inland Revenue.

- Then he's definitely not here.
- Do you work for him?

- Well in a manner of speaking, no.
- Then what are you doing here?

- Jut a bit of caretaking.
- With a Havana cigar?

Look, are you sure he's not here?

- He's not here, he's gone away.
- No forwarding address?

Well I can't read, see,
and my memory is terrible.

Where's Lovejoy?

Houseboat Redoubtable,
Old Ferry Wharf, er...

Cheney Walk, London, SW10.

Right, I got that.

Strange how a lethal weapon has a way
of lubricating the brain, isn't it?

Tinker? Oi!

Come on! Tinker!

What's the matter?
They dropped the bomb or something?

No, I'll drop your bomb,
where you been all bloody day?

I'm trying to get Vial's number.

- Have you got it?
- What?

Vial's number, have you got it?

- Who's Vial?
- That French geezer who was at the sale.

He gave you his business card, didn't he?

What do you want his number for?

I've got a feeling Lovejoy
is about to lose his head.

A call for you.

A call.

Hello?

Oh, Tink.

Eric says there's an axman on the loose

and he made Eric give him your address.

What do you mean, there's a tax man
on the loose? Been on the sauce again?

He's after you, Lovejoy, Eric...

Is that what you called to tell me?

Well, no, I appreciate your concern but...

Lovejoy, you don't
understand, this is serious.

Go back to bed, Tink, sleep it off.

- What was that about?
- Something about the tax man cometh.

Like Papa Noel, once a year.

What are you looking for?

I was looking to see 15 at least.

- I might think about 1450.
- Would you?

It's not quite as crisp as I thought.

Just a moment, are you talking
in hundreds or thousands?

You don't think I'd give you
15 grand for this, do you?

Please, don't waste my time,
this is a rare antique,

the gold coins alone are worth 2000 each.

These little danglers
are two-ducat pieces, not Maundy money.

Well, put it to the melt then.

This sort of thing is traded extensively
all over the Middle East.

Well, you know this coin is not the...

not the commonest in the word.

Friedberg prices them
at approximately £2000 each.

Always was prone to little exaggerations,
was Mr. Friedberg.

What's the best you can do?

The best I can do?

Well, bearing in mind that they're
holed and they could well be copies,

uh, 100 each would be my limit

and that still leaves
you quite a bit of scrap.

A hundred?

You said a hundred? Can you look at it?

Just look at it. This is a unique example
of antique Arab jewelry.

What's the matter with you people?
Do you always put bullion before beauty?

The only words I've heard since
I've come here are Frommers, scrap, melt.

Then I should advertise it
in the Exchange & Mart, Mr. Lovejoy.

Looks like somebody's nicked
a Victorian stocking darner.

Yeah, I've had a bad day too.

On top of that I've got to see Frobel
in an hour.

Oh.

Oh, no, beam me up, Scotty.
What are you doing here?

- Collecting contributions.
- I gave already.

The Inland Revenue says not.

If you saw a ghost,
you'd ask if he'd paid death duty.

- I hate to go away empty-handed.
- Well, so do I, Miss Taylor, so do I.

- What's the deal?
- The deal is

that this man will only
do business with me.

He wants to remain anonymous,
if you get my meaning.

- How come?
- How should I know?

Perhaps he's a Virgo.

Ah, there he is.

Just one thing, Frobel,

you pull any kind of
stunt, you pull anything,

I'll tear your face off.

What happened to that
little thing called trust?

Please, don't insult my intelligence.
No tricks.

I should be so lucky.

- As you see, my hands never left my arms.
- Ha, ha.

What's the deal? And why the pictures?

Um, oh, he needs something
to show to his people.

- He want to discuss it with them.
- With whom?

Like I say, with his people.

We may be talking big money here,
Lovejoy, big money.

- How big?
- Oh, four, five thousand.

Peanuts.

Leave it to me, eh?
This is the best deal you'll ever get.

And another thing, don't carry it round
with you no more, leave it at home

When you get mugged,
my percentage gets stroft.

'Standen?

- Hey! Mon Pineau!
- Ah!

What is this?

This is Pont I'Évéque, my friend.

- Do you have any real food?
- Like what?

You live in a boat
but you don't even have any fish fingers.

You know something, Lovejoy,
sometimes I think that the English

are constitutionally
incapable of eating well.

Just incapable of cooking.

Well, I'm not. And right now I feel like

gigot and flageolets with garlic and thyme.

You pay, I cook, how about that?

You're on.

Mm. I am going to sprinkle it
with this fantastic thyme

I found in the mountains behind Graz.

- Mm, incredible smell.
- A little mint, perhaps?

Much better than the
stuff you buy in packets.

You can have some if you want,
but just a little, of course.

- No mint?
- Oh, you're a real English, Lovejoy.

It's far too dry. I am going to change it.

You know, I had a fantastic
gigot en croute in Deauville once.

The sheep eat the grass on the beach,

which means that you never have
to put salt on the meat.

How about that?

Maybe they should get
them to eat garlic too.

And then train them
to jump straight into the oven.

Merde! J'ai été cambriolé.

What the hell are you doing?
You're not going to go in there?

- And let them get away with it?
- Let me phone to the police. Mon dieu!

Shh. Just make sure they spell
my name right in the papers.

Psst!

Aaah!

Putain! You've killed him,
and with a leg of lamb.

Come on.

What did you do me with,
Lovejoy? Half a brick or something?

Two and a half pounds of best New Zealand.
You're lucky it wasn't pork.

Caved my brains in, you w-w-wally.

What happened to this...
Yiddish accent all of a sudden?

And the fancy dress, huh?

Leave it out, Lovejoy, leave it out.

Can you explain yourself?
Any extenuating circumstances

before Monsieur Vial phones the fuzz?

Phones... phones the fuzz?

Who are you trying to kid? You get the bill
down here, they'll do you for receiving.

Receiving what?

I'm surprised... that...

that headdress hasn't burnt it's way through
the floorboards by now, it's so hot.

So hot, in fact, it's... it's gotta
be worth six months of anybody's time.

Just playing Frommer, were you?

It's the truth, Lovejoy, that headdress...

that Arab trinket is nicked
from the aristocracy.

Heavy-duty aristocracy
who don't even like losing a golf ball.

Truth? You wouldn't know the truth
if it sat up and bit you in the arse.

Ow!

Look, no hard feelings, sunshine,

but either you stick with me
for the reward money

or you cross yourself off
the electoral roll for six months.

Reward? Did you say reward?

Did I say reward? Well it must have been
the bang on the head you give me.

Lovejoy!

- Who the hell is that?
- You'd better go and find out.

- Me?
- Yes, you.

- Who is it?
- It's a monster.

- What?
- With an ax!

Shh, don't.

Mon dieu! Mon dieu! Putain de téléphone!

- Do you have a gun?
- A gun?

I am Vial from Dijon not Kroup of Germany.

Well, a cosh, or a carving knife?

A sword?

Saber? I don't know.

Where's Lovejoy?

Which one of you bastards is Lovejoy?

Where is it?

Where's my stuff, you snake?
What have you done with my gear?

Just a moment, just a moment,
a second, please.

You come in here,
barge your way in uninvited,

smash the place about,
I mean, waving this thing around,

I mean, who are you anyway?

What do you mean who am I?
I'm Catesby, that's who I am.

Catesby? I never heard
them mention a Catesby, did you?

I thought it was gonna be
a black guy called Ezra.

I thought
it was supposed to be Ezra.

You, um...
you must be the replacement.

- Replacement for what?
- Hit man.

You know, the one who's gonna
off Lovejoy, cash his check,

but you cant do it with that, I mean it's...
it's a bit amateur night out, isn't it?

I'm not going to off anybody.
All I want is my gear and I'm going.

Well in that case, you've invited yourself
to the wrong party,

- hasn't he, Monsieur Vial?
- He certainly has.

I'm sorry, but if anyone's going
to zap Lovejoy it's going to be us.

Now you, uh, know what this is, don't you?

- Looks like a bath tap.
- Well, you'd be wrong there.

- It's an 18-century muff pistol.
- A what?

- Muff pistol.
- That's what I thought you said.

One shot can blow your head off.

- In your case, I'm not quite so sure.
- Oh, really?

Yeah, really, and if you don't haul ass
I'm gonna pull the trigger, punk.

What are you waiting for then?

- I'm gonna count to three.
- I'll count with you, if you like.

- All right. One, two...
- One, two...

Two and a half. You asked for it.

Holy shit.

Well that's some bath
tap, isn't it, Frobel?

If you ever do that to me again,
Lovejoy, I'll...

- You'll what?
- I'll die!

I tell you! I'll just die!

Bien joué, mon brave. Now we eat. D'accord?

Hein? Alors, a table.

There is one thing I don't understand.

If your name is Bert, not Frobel,
and you're not Jewish...

Ssh!

Well, why do you wear
these clothes?

Respect for uniforms.
So they know what they're dealing with.

Have you ever seen
an airline pilot wearing a fur coat?

Can't say I have.

- But you're an Anglican.
- What?

Well, doesn't it go a
little against the grain?

Grain, shmain.

Gentlemen?

His Lordship will see you now.

Wahey!

♪ He's a half a boy and
he's a half a man... ♪

Shit.

I know, I know. In a small world
department, try this on for size.

I mean, what is it?
Do you fancy me or something?

I'd like to be one of the first
to congratulate you

on your good fortune, Mr. Lovejoy.

What good fortune?

The page three story
about the local antique dealer

claiming that large reward.

Anything left of the 12,000?

Working clothes, Miss Taylor,
merely working clothes.

You have the receipts, I take it?

Do you think we could discuss this
over lunch, just you and I?

Oh, I think that's possible.

Bearing in mind that whatever refreshment
we may partake of

will be non-tax-deductible, Mr. Lovejoy.

Of course.

Come on.

I know a nice little
place that sells limpets.