Love Me (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript
- Um! Yum!
Thank you.
- Thanks for staying
here last night.
- When's your dad coming back?
- Why?
- I was thinking:
Maybe we could have a little
party for my birthday.
- Oh, here?
- I'm turning 27. It's a
pretty big one, you know.
"Sudden returns" and all that.
- Isn't that 29?
- Um, I'm pretty
sure it's 27 to 29.
- Hmm? Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Um, I don't know. I just,
You know, with, with
Mom and everything, um.
- Yeah. Yeah.
It's fine.
I just thought, you know, cuz
your dad's away, having fun.
- He's not having fun.
- Maybe it would be really
nice for you, you know?
It might cheer you
up a little bit.
I love you.
- I love you, too.
Just a few people.
- Yeah? Really?
- Um-hmm.
- Seriously?
- Um-hmm.
- Just upstairs.
- What
have you got to lose?
When are you meeting him?
- Well, he's already here.
Could be a sociopath.
- You're the sociopath. Go in!
- Just let me do my,
He's seen me. Okay,
I'm gonna go now.
- Okay, good luck.
Don't be weird.
- Okay, bye. No I won't.
Hi.
- Hey.
- Still drunk?
- Yes, totally.
I promise not to vomit.
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry, am I late?
- No, you are not.
I'm early, pathologically.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Are we ready?
- Oh! Ah, yep, sure.
I, ah, oh yum!
I'll get the chicken burger,
but instead of the slaw,
can I get fries, please?
- Great, burger and fries.
- Ahm, can I get the
five-grain salad?
And can I get the dressing
on the side, if I can?
- Yeah, sure.
Can I look at the
wine list, please?
Not on-call today.
- Drink for you?
- Mineral water, thanks.
- Yeah, me too, actually.
- Great.
So that's two mineral waters.
- Thank you. You okay?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm
great. I'm great!
- Okay. A date!
How do we do this?
- Oh, I don't know.
Probably why I'm single.
- Small talk!
- Sure.
- How many kids do you want?
- Hup- - I'm,
sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm shit at small talk.
- Um, yeah, no. That's,
um, "big talk", very big.
- Yeah.
- But why not? Sure?
One, two? You?
- I love kids. Not all
kids, some are a bit-
- Ugly! Like, proper ugly.
Like, my friends,
they just had a kid.
Um, he's giant. Looks
like Harvey Weinstein.
I'm not kidding.
But, um, yes. "Yes" to kids.
I'm not sure I'd be
very good at it, but,
- Anyway.
- Sorry. Oh, one sec.
Hey. What's happened?
Yeah.
- Excuse me, can I, can I get
a glass of San Blanc, please?
- Yeah, no worries.
- Thanks.
If I see one more man
holding a giant fish.
I don't care about fish!
And then you meet them and
they've been to Lake Eildon once:
They're not even fishermen!
One guy, ah-ha, his photo
was him standing next to
a "sold" sign at an
auction. Like, what's that?
"Oh, I have a massive mortgage."
- I don't know,
it sounds like there's a lot
of size metaphors going on.
I mean, maybe, maybe that
guy was a real estate agent.
- That's worse. That is worse.
Because what am I
supposed to put up:
A photo of me putting
a man to sleep?
Maybe I should do
that.
- Right. right. Okay, yes, yes.
I was trying to figure out
what kind of doctor you were.
So you're an aneesti,
anithte, aneetstesi?
Sorry, I can't
can't even say it.
That's pretty
embarrassing. Aneeth-
- No one can say it. It's fine.
- Okay. Thank you.
- Anesthetist.
- Aneeth, oh, forget it. Okay.
This is probably a dumb
question, but, so they,
when they say that they
"put you to sleep," you,
you're not, like,
it's not sleep.
- No, no.
- What happens?
- Totally different to sleep.
When you sleep, you process
memory, you feel pain.
If I pinch you,
you wake up, right?
But the way anesthesia works is,
it interrupts the
pathways of communication
between your neural networks.
So I can poke you,
prod you, cut you open,
but because the neurons
aren't talking to each other,
you don't feel pain,
you don't move,
you don't form memories, et
cetera. Does this make sense?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh.
- Keep going.
- Okay.
And then when you're awake,
everything's talking to
everything, so you can feel
and taste and touch and
experience consciousness.
Have I explained it?
- Yeah. Yeah, wow.
A bit long for a
"buyer," though.
- Ha ha ha. Well,
I've got great pics.
- Oh yeah. What are
your great pics?
- Um, no, they're all,
they're all just like,
self-consciously candid,
just to distinguish
myself from the pouters.
Which is something
I don't understand:
How are we not laughing
at that anymore?
When did that become a
legitimate photo face?
That's a joke. It's a
dumb-model joke face.
Like, "Um, oh, how am I with
these tense lips?" Um-um-um.
And now everyone is aspiring
to look like these models
with their empty
eyes. Embarrassing!
- The photos aren't
real, you know.
You have to meet people. And
voices, they're important, too.
They can be really off-putting.
Yours, yours isn't.
- Oh, cute. Heh-he-ha.
Okay, enough about me:
Um, what do you do?
Bet I can pronounce it.
- I am a model.
- No, you're not.
What?
A model.
- Um-hmm.
- I, I mean, no, it's, it's
not that you're not handsome.
You're very handsome.
It's just that, wow.
A model.
- You're
holding again. Let it go.
Nothing
to be afraid of.
Okay then, take your
time getting up. And,
thank you for visiting
Our Couple's Massage.
- Thank you, both. That was,
that was, that was,
that was terrific.
- Namaste.
- Nam, namaste.
- Oh, um, I, I had a bag?
- Oh, we took it
back to your room.
- Oh, it had my clothes in it.
- Oh, apologies. One second.
- Okay.
- Whoa! Nice view!
- Oh, sorry.
Big bend, I was
just-Oh, hi, we met.
- Yeah.
- I'm staying here now.
Well, not here. In, in the room.
- So we're we're
next-door to each other.
- Oh, ah, yes.
- I'm Anita.
Oh, hi, I'm Glen. Sorry.
"One size fits all," apparently.
- Can you take it back?
- No, I didn't buy it. I, I
got it at the Couple's Massage.
- How does that work?
What, you got one masseuse
working on both of you?
- No, no, you, you get one each,
but I got two
because my wife died.
Not during the massage.
A couple of weeks ago.
- I'm very sorry.
- No, no.
It's not your fault.
- Well, I'm, I'm going to try
the facial this afternoon.
- Oh, I think, we have one
of those booked for tomorrow.
- Well then, I'll have to
come and knock on your door
and tell you if
it's worth going.
- Yes, please.
- Well, nice bumping
into you, Glen.
- That's his actual
job? Full-time model?
Well like, catalog, ha-ha.
- "Catwalk". "International".
- Oo-oo-oo.
- That explains the salad.
- Anyway, I asked
a few questions,
he's not friends with Kate Moss.
So I was like, "Okay, bye. I
gotta go to hospital, see ya."
- Was he well dressed?
- Yeah, other than leggings.
- Was he funny?
- Sort of. Laughs a lot.
- Bit dumb.
- No, got all my jokes.
- Your high-brow jokes.
- Yes.
- Ah, okay, so then why-
- I'm not gonna date a
model. Who dates models?
I want to be with someone
who won't eat hot chips.
- All right, well, so how
"model" is he? Come on, show us.
Surely there's a picture
of him somewhere out there.
- Does he got a website?
Do you subscribe?
- C'mon. Oh, oh!
- Only once.
- Yep, that looks like a little-
- Okay, alright. Doesn't love
doing his shirt up, does he?
What's the "K" stand for?
- Oh, I forgot to
ask. Another red flag.
- He drove you to
the hospital, okay.
He waited with you. And he
kissed you after you vomited.
- Oof, I would not do that.
- Yeah. Weird.
- He's not a full model,
he's like "ugly beautiful"
. Oh, he's not ugly.
- So how'd you leave it?
- He texted me after:
"Are you okay?"
- That's good!
- I need a poo.
- Oh,
please, thank you.
- And you need to call him.
Hey Siri, call Peter K.
- Yes, call Peter K.
Calling Peter K.
- No, no-no, no-no!
Oh God, I did not-
Like he's not going to be
completely self-obsessed
and superficial and constantly
exercising. He's a model.
- Okay, Doctor.
- We've literally
been everywhere
and I still can't find
a present for her.
- Might have made
it easier if you
knew anything about
your girlfriend?
- Look, I know you
don't like her-.
- I like her!
I do, I, seriously,
I do. I just,
you have nothing in common.
I mean, what do you talk about?
- Well, I mean, we
don't do a lot of that.
- Uh-no.
- I'm kidding. I don't know.
I mean, "opposites attract",
and I'm in love with her, so-
Thank you, thank you.
I just don't want to get her,
you know, something expensive.
I just want to get her
something that says,
says that!
- You're not getting a tattoo.
- Cool tats.
- Hey!
- Oh, hi there, hi, hi.
- Oh, I just had the facial.
Do I look any younger?
They said it would take
off at least seven years.
- Now that you mention it, yes.
- Well you should definitely
have one tomorrow.
- Oh, okay, well, I have
the Couple's Package,
so I can take off 14 years.
- Heh-he-heh. You
look very nice:
- Oh?
- The jacket.
- Oh, thank you.
- Are you off to dinner?
- Yeah. Well, soon.
- Would you like
to have it with me?
Sorry, you'd probably
rather eat alone.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
That, that, I'd like that.
- Okay. I will just
go and get changed.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- I'll see you in there.
- Yeah, great.
Hello.
- Ah. You haven't
ordered a drink!
- No, no, I was waiting for you.
- Oh, well that's very
polite, thank you.
- What would you like to drink?
- Well, what do you prefer?
- Huh? Ah, no preference.
- Well, you must like something.
- Well, yeah, perhaps a red.
- Oh, excellent.
We'll have a nice bottle
of red, please, Vikash.
- Certainly. We have
an exquisite Merlot.
- Ah-mmm, maybe not
now. Maybe, ah, Shiraz.
Yes, we'll have
a Shiraz, please.
- Thank you.
You've been here before?
- No.
- How did you know his name?
- Ah. His name tag.
- Okay.
- Funny one. So who are you?
- I'm Glen.
- I know you're Glen.
Tell me about yourself.
- I don't know. I'm,
I'm just like anybody.
- Ah, so you're not a salesman.
Well, that makes a nice change.
- "Where the forests
missed the winter
"and the devils kiss the river,
"I'll find you under
winter-kissed pile
with a glass of island wine."
- Well, you, you're
lovely writer.
- No, that's dreadful writing.
- Is it?
- But they love stupid poems,
and it's the easiest way to get
noticed in 25 words or less.
And it worked cuz, I'm here.
I mean, I couldn't afford
this on a novelist's wage.
- Oh, no, darling.
I mean, I'd never even think
to enter a competition.
- Well, no one does. That's
why I win. Heh-he-he-heh.
- You've you've won
things before, what?
- Oh yeah, yeah.
I've won a trip to New
Zealand and I went to Broome.
I had a glamping
holiday and um, oh,
I've gotten lots of
things for the house.
I got an air fryer
and a KitchenAid, and,
oh gosh, I've got way
too many appliances.
- No-no, thank you. Thank you.
- And for your lovely wife?
Oh, no, this isn't my wife.
- I'm his mistress. I'll have
his, too, thanks, Vikash.
Don't
you love that sound?
Thank you. Can you believe he
keeps asking you what I want?
What are we, back in the 1950s?
- Well. I think some of us are.
- What do you think
their story is?
- I don't know what you mean.
- Don't you ever
try and fill-in the blanks?
You know, occupational habit.
Okay: John and Jeannette,
This trip is a Christmas
present from their kids.
And the only problem is,
they can't stand each other.
But they're so codependent
they can't be apart
And they couldn't bring themselves
to sell the kids because,
they all chipped-in!
They
look so miserable.
Have a go!
- Oh, no.
- C'mon.
- No!
- Come on, come on, have a go.
Just take a go.
- No, I'm not,
I'm, I'm not like you, I'm not,
I'm not very good at these
sort of things, really.
No.
- Go on.
Go on.
- Okay.
All right.
Ah, he's called Tom.
- Okay.
- No, ah, "Tony". He's 65.
He's married. So, "Why
is he eating alone?"
His wife was in a car
accident a couple of years ago
and she lost her, oh she
lost, lost her left arm.
- Uh-oh.
- Um, um, but,
that's not all she lost.
She lost, she lost her,
She lost her, her will,
she lost her sense of
humor, it's like she, she,
um, you know, his wife
that is, it's like, she,
she, she couldn't find
a reason to keep going.
So if he could change
places with her he would,
you know, he just wants
to say the right thing,
but he just wants to make her
laugh, but he can't, you know?
You know, he just wants
to make her happy again.
Oh.
That is a prosthetic!
Actually. that is amazingly
lifelike, that is, that is,
that is top of the range.
That, that, that, you,
you would never tell
that that is not real.
That, that, that, that,
Apparently she worked in Peru.
- Why did you let me
eat the whole pizza?
Can you die from bloat? I
think I'm gonna die from blo-
Hello?
- Hi.
Can I leave something for
someone who works here?
It's just a little present.
- Um, absolutely.
Sorry, who is it for?
And is they're not
working, can I have it?
- Hi.
- Hi!
- Do you know each other?
- Actually, I have appendicitis
and I'm pretty sure
I need a general anesthetic
from an anesthetist.
- Anesthetic
nurse being summoned to bed 7.
- Hi, um,
We've been understaffed and I
haven't had time for anything,
to do anything, at all.
- Yeah, it's all good.
- Oh, I've just
been working a lot.
- So I, I got you this:
- Thank you.
- Oh, um, shits,
did I misread this?
I, I'm sorry if
I did. It's just,
for the first time
in a long time,
I felt like I actually
connected with someone.
And I thought that we had a
good time, but maybe? Maybe I'm-
- Oh no, no, it's not,
it's not that. Um, um-
- If you're not interested,
that's totally fine,
I'll leave you alone.
But, um, I like you.
And I don't meet people
that I like very often.
- Is that?
- They need us in Vienna 3.
- Okay.
I'm so sorry.
- Yeah, sure.
- What'd he say?
- That was intense.
He said he likes me,
- Well, that's clear.
That he hasn't connected
with anyone in a long time.
- He got you the good stuff.
Take them away from me.
I mean, give me one more.
And then take them away.
- Ella!
Ella, it's me!
- Oh, hey!
Chula got me a little, a
little birthday present.
Do you want some?
- No, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm good.
You want to, I've got
a present, too, so-
- Um, you're so
sweet.
Don't laugh, he's so
sweet, look at him.
- You sure you
want- - Oh, bro.
- I'm not your bro, okay.
She's had a shitload to drink.
What's funny?
- Just relax.
- She can end up in
a fucking K-hole!
- Oh, babe.
- Can you get outta my room?
- Okay, can you not talk
to them like that? Please?
Just chill, right? It's
a birthday present.
- What the fuck's-
Okay, no, don't throw up.
Get out.
Get out of here!
- You, stupid.
Get the fuck out of here!
Everybody get, get out.
Get the fuck out, okay!
- That's true.
- Here's to,
ill-fitting robes.
Ah!
Hah.
I'm gonna take a dip.
- What?
- Come in! Oh, it's fantastic.
Ah-ha-ha. Come in!
Come on.
- Okay.
- Oh, it's beautiful.
- Excuse me, sir.
- You should have
seen your face!
- You should, you
should see, his face.
Good night, ah-ha.
Nighty-night.
- Why did you stop at a kiss?
You like her. Why
did you stop there?
- Don't say that.
- Maybe she's more your type:
She's light and impulsive.
- Stop it!
You're not even real.
- Did Ella like the tat?
- No, I didn't, I didn't get to,
I'll just show her
in the morning.
I'm fucking my mom's bed.
- I know. I'm sorry.
- You should, you should come.
- Are you sure?
I'll put those in the bin.
- Oh, so how's
it going? How's the resort?
- Um, well, actually it's quite
stylish in, in its own way.
- Oh, so you're
having fun, then?
I mean, you know what I
mean: Not "fun", but, hmm.
- Well, you know, yeah.
- Hey Dad, why didn't I get
Aaron on the other line?
- Oh, okay. Do
you need me to hang up?
- No, no, no, no, I'll hook us
up, three-way call. Hang on.
Hey, I've got Dad on the other
line. I'm gonna put him on.
- No, no, no, no,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Okay, now we can
all hear each other.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hey Dad, ah, how's
the fancy holiday?
- Well-
- It's more of
a rest than a holiday.
- No, actually, actually,
yeah, it's quite relaxing,
but how, how are you? What,
what have you been up to?
- Can't really hear you.
- Oh, I can hear
you, Dad. Can you hear us?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I
can hear, I can hear you both.
- He can hear us, Aaron.
- No, ah, you're breaking
up. I, I'll just go.
- No- - Okay, bye, Aaron.
- No, he hung up.
- Hah.
Now it's just two people
on the three-way call.
- Ha. Technically,
that's just a "call".
- Ye-hess.
- So what have you been doing?
- Well, aah, oh, I got
the Couple's Massage.
- I hope they
gave you double the time.
- No, double the hands.
- Oo-oo, okay. Good.
- Yeah, two masseurs.
But actually, it was, you
know, it was really good.
I, I thought, "Why have I had
so few massages in my life?"
I was really quite tight,
they had to keep
telling me to relax.
- Oh, that
would make me more tense.
- Yeah.
But you know what I
think, I think I was,
I was, I was pretty scared,
actually, about, you know,
Thanks for making me take
this trip, Sweetheart.
- Okay. Well I'm glad
you're enjoying it.
- Yeah. You know, being
scared's a silly reason
not to do something.
Anyway. Look you, you're
probably busy, I'll let you go.
I, I'll call you
again soon, okay?
- Okay, yeah. I'll
talk to you soon, Dad.
- All right, then.
- Thanks.
- Bye now.
- Thanks, thank you, Dad.
- Bye. Bye now.
- Hello?
- Hi. Is that Peter?
- What did you say?
- Peter?
- No!
- Hello.
- Peter!
- Oh my!
- Hi. Oh, can I come up?
Hi.
- Hey.
- Um, I've just come
to say that, um,
this "thing" is,
probably not a good idea.
- No?
- No.
We're just too different.
- Yeah, that's true.
You're not my type.
I don't like "funny".
Oh, well, I prefer
attractive men, so,
I don't care if
it's old-fashioned:
I just want a relationship
and have a kid and, I don't
wanna waste time with someone
who's not right for me.
- I totally agree.
Don't wanna be with someone
unless they're all-in.
- Is that a sex
pun?
- It's just a happy coincidence!
Thank you.
- Thanks for staying
here last night.
- When's your dad coming back?
- Why?
- I was thinking:
Maybe we could have a little
party for my birthday.
- Oh, here?
- I'm turning 27. It's a
pretty big one, you know.
"Sudden returns" and all that.
- Isn't that 29?
- Um, I'm pretty
sure it's 27 to 29.
- Hmm? Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Um, I don't know. I just,
You know, with, with
Mom and everything, um.
- Yeah. Yeah.
It's fine.
I just thought, you know, cuz
your dad's away, having fun.
- He's not having fun.
- Maybe it would be really
nice for you, you know?
It might cheer you
up a little bit.
I love you.
- I love you, too.
Just a few people.
- Yeah? Really?
- Um-hmm.
- Seriously?
- Um-hmm.
- Just upstairs.
- What
have you got to lose?
When are you meeting him?
- Well, he's already here.
Could be a sociopath.
- You're the sociopath. Go in!
- Just let me do my,
He's seen me. Okay,
I'm gonna go now.
- Okay, good luck.
Don't be weird.
- Okay, bye. No I won't.
Hi.
- Hey.
- Still drunk?
- Yes, totally.
I promise not to vomit.
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry, am I late?
- No, you are not.
I'm early, pathologically.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Are we ready?
- Oh! Ah, yep, sure.
I, ah, oh yum!
I'll get the chicken burger,
but instead of the slaw,
can I get fries, please?
- Great, burger and fries.
- Ahm, can I get the
five-grain salad?
And can I get the dressing
on the side, if I can?
- Yeah, sure.
Can I look at the
wine list, please?
Not on-call today.
- Drink for you?
- Mineral water, thanks.
- Yeah, me too, actually.
- Great.
So that's two mineral waters.
- Thank you. You okay?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm
great. I'm great!
- Okay. A date!
How do we do this?
- Oh, I don't know.
Probably why I'm single.
- Small talk!
- Sure.
- How many kids do you want?
- Hup- - I'm,
sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm shit at small talk.
- Um, yeah, no. That's,
um, "big talk", very big.
- Yeah.
- But why not? Sure?
One, two? You?
- I love kids. Not all
kids, some are a bit-
- Ugly! Like, proper ugly.
Like, my friends,
they just had a kid.
Um, he's giant. Looks
like Harvey Weinstein.
I'm not kidding.
But, um, yes. "Yes" to kids.
I'm not sure I'd be
very good at it, but,
- Anyway.
- Sorry. Oh, one sec.
Hey. What's happened?
Yeah.
- Excuse me, can I, can I get
a glass of San Blanc, please?
- Yeah, no worries.
- Thanks.
If I see one more man
holding a giant fish.
I don't care about fish!
And then you meet them and
they've been to Lake Eildon once:
They're not even fishermen!
One guy, ah-ha, his photo
was him standing next to
a "sold" sign at an
auction. Like, what's that?
"Oh, I have a massive mortgage."
- I don't know,
it sounds like there's a lot
of size metaphors going on.
I mean, maybe, maybe that
guy was a real estate agent.
- That's worse. That is worse.
Because what am I
supposed to put up:
A photo of me putting
a man to sleep?
Maybe I should do
that.
- Right. right. Okay, yes, yes.
I was trying to figure out
what kind of doctor you were.
So you're an aneesti,
anithte, aneetstesi?
Sorry, I can't
can't even say it.
That's pretty
embarrassing. Aneeth-
- No one can say it. It's fine.
- Okay. Thank you.
- Anesthetist.
- Aneeth, oh, forget it. Okay.
This is probably a dumb
question, but, so they,
when they say that they
"put you to sleep," you,
you're not, like,
it's not sleep.
- No, no.
- What happens?
- Totally different to sleep.
When you sleep, you process
memory, you feel pain.
If I pinch you,
you wake up, right?
But the way anesthesia works is,
it interrupts the
pathways of communication
between your neural networks.
So I can poke you,
prod you, cut you open,
but because the neurons
aren't talking to each other,
you don't feel pain,
you don't move,
you don't form memories, et
cetera. Does this make sense?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh.
- Keep going.
- Okay.
And then when you're awake,
everything's talking to
everything, so you can feel
and taste and touch and
experience consciousness.
Have I explained it?
- Yeah. Yeah, wow.
A bit long for a
"buyer," though.
- Ha ha ha. Well,
I've got great pics.
- Oh yeah. What are
your great pics?
- Um, no, they're all,
they're all just like,
self-consciously candid,
just to distinguish
myself from the pouters.
Which is something
I don't understand:
How are we not laughing
at that anymore?
When did that become a
legitimate photo face?
That's a joke. It's a
dumb-model joke face.
Like, "Um, oh, how am I with
these tense lips?" Um-um-um.
And now everyone is aspiring
to look like these models
with their empty
eyes. Embarrassing!
- The photos aren't
real, you know.
You have to meet people. And
voices, they're important, too.
They can be really off-putting.
Yours, yours isn't.
- Oh, cute. Heh-he-ha.
Okay, enough about me:
Um, what do you do?
Bet I can pronounce it.
- I am a model.
- No, you're not.
What?
A model.
- Um-hmm.
- I, I mean, no, it's, it's
not that you're not handsome.
You're very handsome.
It's just that, wow.
A model.
- You're
holding again. Let it go.
Nothing
to be afraid of.
Okay then, take your
time getting up. And,
thank you for visiting
Our Couple's Massage.
- Thank you, both. That was,
that was, that was,
that was terrific.
- Namaste.
- Nam, namaste.
- Oh, um, I, I had a bag?
- Oh, we took it
back to your room.
- Oh, it had my clothes in it.
- Oh, apologies. One second.
- Okay.
- Whoa! Nice view!
- Oh, sorry.
Big bend, I was
just-Oh, hi, we met.
- Yeah.
- I'm staying here now.
Well, not here. In, in the room.
- So we're we're
next-door to each other.
- Oh, ah, yes.
- I'm Anita.
Oh, hi, I'm Glen. Sorry.
"One size fits all," apparently.
- Can you take it back?
- No, I didn't buy it. I, I
got it at the Couple's Massage.
- How does that work?
What, you got one masseuse
working on both of you?
- No, no, you, you get one each,
but I got two
because my wife died.
Not during the massage.
A couple of weeks ago.
- I'm very sorry.
- No, no.
It's not your fault.
- Well, I'm, I'm going to try
the facial this afternoon.
- Oh, I think, we have one
of those booked for tomorrow.
- Well then, I'll have to
come and knock on your door
and tell you if
it's worth going.
- Yes, please.
- Well, nice bumping
into you, Glen.
- That's his actual
job? Full-time model?
Well like, catalog, ha-ha.
- "Catwalk". "International".
- Oo-oo-oo.
- That explains the salad.
- Anyway, I asked
a few questions,
he's not friends with Kate Moss.
So I was like, "Okay, bye. I
gotta go to hospital, see ya."
- Was he well dressed?
- Yeah, other than leggings.
- Was he funny?
- Sort of. Laughs a lot.
- Bit dumb.
- No, got all my jokes.
- Your high-brow jokes.
- Yes.
- Ah, okay, so then why-
- I'm not gonna date a
model. Who dates models?
I want to be with someone
who won't eat hot chips.
- All right, well, so how
"model" is he? Come on, show us.
Surely there's a picture
of him somewhere out there.
- Does he got a website?
Do you subscribe?
- C'mon. Oh, oh!
- Only once.
- Yep, that looks like a little-
- Okay, alright. Doesn't love
doing his shirt up, does he?
What's the "K" stand for?
- Oh, I forgot to
ask. Another red flag.
- He drove you to
the hospital, okay.
He waited with you. And he
kissed you after you vomited.
- Oof, I would not do that.
- Yeah. Weird.
- He's not a full model,
he's like "ugly beautiful"
. Oh, he's not ugly.
- So how'd you leave it?
- He texted me after:
"Are you okay?"
- That's good!
- I need a poo.
- Oh,
please, thank you.
- And you need to call him.
Hey Siri, call Peter K.
- Yes, call Peter K.
Calling Peter K.
- No, no-no, no-no!
Oh God, I did not-
Like he's not going to be
completely self-obsessed
and superficial and constantly
exercising. He's a model.
- Okay, Doctor.
- We've literally
been everywhere
and I still can't find
a present for her.
- Might have made
it easier if you
knew anything about
your girlfriend?
- Look, I know you
don't like her-.
- I like her!
I do, I, seriously,
I do. I just,
you have nothing in common.
I mean, what do you talk about?
- Well, I mean, we
don't do a lot of that.
- Uh-no.
- I'm kidding. I don't know.
I mean, "opposites attract",
and I'm in love with her, so-
Thank you, thank you.
I just don't want to get her,
you know, something expensive.
I just want to get her
something that says,
says that!
- You're not getting a tattoo.
- Cool tats.
- Hey!
- Oh, hi there, hi, hi.
- Oh, I just had the facial.
Do I look any younger?
They said it would take
off at least seven years.
- Now that you mention it, yes.
- Well you should definitely
have one tomorrow.
- Oh, okay, well, I have
the Couple's Package,
so I can take off 14 years.
- Heh-he-heh. You
look very nice:
- Oh?
- The jacket.
- Oh, thank you.
- Are you off to dinner?
- Yeah. Well, soon.
- Would you like
to have it with me?
Sorry, you'd probably
rather eat alone.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
That, that, I'd like that.
- Okay. I will just
go and get changed.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- I'll see you in there.
- Yeah, great.
Hello.
- Ah. You haven't
ordered a drink!
- No, no, I was waiting for you.
- Oh, well that's very
polite, thank you.
- What would you like to drink?
- Well, what do you prefer?
- Huh? Ah, no preference.
- Well, you must like something.
- Well, yeah, perhaps a red.
- Oh, excellent.
We'll have a nice bottle
of red, please, Vikash.
- Certainly. We have
an exquisite Merlot.
- Ah-mmm, maybe not
now. Maybe, ah, Shiraz.
Yes, we'll have
a Shiraz, please.
- Thank you.
You've been here before?
- No.
- How did you know his name?
- Ah. His name tag.
- Okay.
- Funny one. So who are you?
- I'm Glen.
- I know you're Glen.
Tell me about yourself.
- I don't know. I'm,
I'm just like anybody.
- Ah, so you're not a salesman.
Well, that makes a nice change.
- "Where the forests
missed the winter
"and the devils kiss the river,
"I'll find you under
winter-kissed pile
with a glass of island wine."
- Well, you, you're
lovely writer.
- No, that's dreadful writing.
- Is it?
- But they love stupid poems,
and it's the easiest way to get
noticed in 25 words or less.
And it worked cuz, I'm here.
I mean, I couldn't afford
this on a novelist's wage.
- Oh, no, darling.
I mean, I'd never even think
to enter a competition.
- Well, no one does. That's
why I win. Heh-he-he-heh.
- You've you've won
things before, what?
- Oh yeah, yeah.
I've won a trip to New
Zealand and I went to Broome.
I had a glamping
holiday and um, oh,
I've gotten lots of
things for the house.
I got an air fryer
and a KitchenAid, and,
oh gosh, I've got way
too many appliances.
- No-no, thank you. Thank you.
- And for your lovely wife?
Oh, no, this isn't my wife.
- I'm his mistress. I'll have
his, too, thanks, Vikash.
Don't
you love that sound?
Thank you. Can you believe he
keeps asking you what I want?
What are we, back in the 1950s?
- Well. I think some of us are.
- What do you think
their story is?
- I don't know what you mean.
- Don't you ever
try and fill-in the blanks?
You know, occupational habit.
Okay: John and Jeannette,
This trip is a Christmas
present from their kids.
And the only problem is,
they can't stand each other.
But they're so codependent
they can't be apart
And they couldn't bring themselves
to sell the kids because,
they all chipped-in!
They
look so miserable.
Have a go!
- Oh, no.
- C'mon.
- No!
- Come on, come on, have a go.
Just take a go.
- No, I'm not,
I'm, I'm not like you, I'm not,
I'm not very good at these
sort of things, really.
No.
- Go on.
Go on.
- Okay.
All right.
Ah, he's called Tom.
- Okay.
- No, ah, "Tony". He's 65.
He's married. So, "Why
is he eating alone?"
His wife was in a car
accident a couple of years ago
and she lost her, oh she
lost, lost her left arm.
- Uh-oh.
- Um, um, but,
that's not all she lost.
She lost, she lost her,
She lost her, her will,
she lost her sense of
humor, it's like she, she,
um, you know, his wife
that is, it's like, she,
she, she couldn't find
a reason to keep going.
So if he could change
places with her he would,
you know, he just wants
to say the right thing,
but he just wants to make her
laugh, but he can't, you know?
You know, he just wants
to make her happy again.
Oh.
That is a prosthetic!
Actually. that is amazingly
lifelike, that is, that is,
that is top of the range.
That, that, that, you,
you would never tell
that that is not real.
That, that, that, that,
Apparently she worked in Peru.
- Why did you let me
eat the whole pizza?
Can you die from bloat? I
think I'm gonna die from blo-
Hello?
- Hi.
Can I leave something for
someone who works here?
It's just a little present.
- Um, absolutely.
Sorry, who is it for?
And is they're not
working, can I have it?
- Hi.
- Hi!
- Do you know each other?
- Actually, I have appendicitis
and I'm pretty sure
I need a general anesthetic
from an anesthetist.
- Anesthetic
nurse being summoned to bed 7.
- Hi, um,
We've been understaffed and I
haven't had time for anything,
to do anything, at all.
- Yeah, it's all good.
- Oh, I've just
been working a lot.
- So I, I got you this:
- Thank you.
- Oh, um, shits,
did I misread this?
I, I'm sorry if
I did. It's just,
for the first time
in a long time,
I felt like I actually
connected with someone.
And I thought that we had a
good time, but maybe? Maybe I'm-
- Oh no, no, it's not,
it's not that. Um, um-
- If you're not interested,
that's totally fine,
I'll leave you alone.
But, um, I like you.
And I don't meet people
that I like very often.
- Is that?
- They need us in Vienna 3.
- Okay.
I'm so sorry.
- Yeah, sure.
- What'd he say?
- That was intense.
He said he likes me,
- Well, that's clear.
That he hasn't connected
with anyone in a long time.
- He got you the good stuff.
Take them away from me.
I mean, give me one more.
And then take them away.
- Ella!
Ella, it's me!
- Oh, hey!
Chula got me a little, a
little birthday present.
Do you want some?
- No, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm good.
You want to, I've got
a present, too, so-
- Um, you're so
sweet.
Don't laugh, he's so
sweet, look at him.
- You sure you
want- - Oh, bro.
- I'm not your bro, okay.
She's had a shitload to drink.
What's funny?
- Just relax.
- She can end up in
a fucking K-hole!
- Oh, babe.
- Can you get outta my room?
- Okay, can you not talk
to them like that? Please?
Just chill, right? It's
a birthday present.
- What the fuck's-
Okay, no, don't throw up.
Get out.
Get out of here!
- You, stupid.
Get the fuck out of here!
Everybody get, get out.
Get the fuck out, okay!
- That's true.
- Here's to,
ill-fitting robes.
Ah!
Hah.
I'm gonna take a dip.
- What?
- Come in! Oh, it's fantastic.
Ah-ha-ha. Come in!
Come on.
- Okay.
- Oh, it's beautiful.
- Excuse me, sir.
- You should have
seen your face!
- You should, you
should see, his face.
Good night, ah-ha.
Nighty-night.
- Why did you stop at a kiss?
You like her. Why
did you stop there?
- Don't say that.
- Maybe she's more your type:
She's light and impulsive.
- Stop it!
You're not even real.
- Did Ella like the tat?
- No, I didn't, I didn't get to,
I'll just show her
in the morning.
I'm fucking my mom's bed.
- I know. I'm sorry.
- You should, you should come.
- Are you sure?
I'll put those in the bin.
- Oh, so how's
it going? How's the resort?
- Um, well, actually it's quite
stylish in, in its own way.
- Oh, so you're
having fun, then?
I mean, you know what I
mean: Not "fun", but, hmm.
- Well, you know, yeah.
- Hey Dad, why didn't I get
Aaron on the other line?
- Oh, okay. Do
you need me to hang up?
- No, no, no, no, I'll hook us
up, three-way call. Hang on.
Hey, I've got Dad on the other
line. I'm gonna put him on.
- No, no, no, no,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Okay, now we can
all hear each other.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hey Dad, ah, how's
the fancy holiday?
- Well-
- It's more of
a rest than a holiday.
- No, actually, actually,
yeah, it's quite relaxing,
but how, how are you? What,
what have you been up to?
- Can't really hear you.
- Oh, I can hear
you, Dad. Can you hear us?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I
can hear, I can hear you both.
- He can hear us, Aaron.
- No, ah, you're breaking
up. I, I'll just go.
- No- - Okay, bye, Aaron.
- No, he hung up.
- Hah.
Now it's just two people
on the three-way call.
- Ha. Technically,
that's just a "call".
- Ye-hess.
- So what have you been doing?
- Well, aah, oh, I got
the Couple's Massage.
- I hope they
gave you double the time.
- No, double the hands.
- Oo-oo, okay. Good.
- Yeah, two masseurs.
But actually, it was, you
know, it was really good.
I, I thought, "Why have I had
so few massages in my life?"
I was really quite tight,
they had to keep
telling me to relax.
- Oh, that
would make me more tense.
- Yeah.
But you know what I
think, I think I was,
I was, I was pretty scared,
actually, about, you know,
Thanks for making me take
this trip, Sweetheart.
- Okay. Well I'm glad
you're enjoying it.
- Yeah. You know, being
scared's a silly reason
not to do something.
Anyway. Look you, you're
probably busy, I'll let you go.
I, I'll call you
again soon, okay?
- Okay, yeah. I'll
talk to you soon, Dad.
- All right, then.
- Thanks.
- Bye now.
- Thanks, thank you, Dad.
- Bye. Bye now.
- Hello?
- Hi. Is that Peter?
- What did you say?
- Peter?
- No!
- Hello.
- Peter!
- Oh my!
- Hi. Oh, can I come up?
Hi.
- Hey.
- Um, I've just come
to say that, um,
this "thing" is,
probably not a good idea.
- No?
- No.
We're just too different.
- Yeah, that's true.
You're not my type.
I don't like "funny".
Oh, well, I prefer
attractive men, so,
I don't care if
it's old-fashioned:
I just want a relationship
and have a kid and, I don't
wanna waste time with someone
who's not right for me.
- I totally agree.
Don't wanna be with someone
unless they're all-in.
- Is that a sex
pun?
- It's just a happy coincidence!