Love, Death & Robots (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Three Robots - full transcript
Long after the fall of humanity, three robots embark on a sightseeing tour of a post-apocalyptic city.
[eerie ethereal music plays]
[metallic rattling]
[gears whirring and clanking]
[in a male voice]
Uh... we are fucking lost, aren't we?
[in a male voice]
Lost? Okay, that's rich.
Let's see,
we just passed the ravaged church.
There is the blood pit.
[laughs] This way. Here we go.
[In a female voice]
Breathtaking.
- It's more beautiful than the brochures.
- [camera clicks]
[robot 2] Come on. Giddy up, guys!
We've got so much to see.
[robot 1] You've seen
one post-apocalyptic city,
you've seen 'em all.
[jazzy music plays]
[robot 3] You're looking good, girl.
Say "terabyte".
[chanting] Go, team.
[robot 2] Hey, guys, stop goofing around
and check this out.
- Behold the entertainment sphere!
- [drum roll]
[robot 3] It's called a ball.
I know it's called a ball,
but I'm trying to get into the whole
"we're experiencing these human things
for the first time" vibe.
And what did humans do with these things?
Oh, man, what didn't they do?
They'd bounce them.
- That's it?
- Yeah. That's pretty much it.
These were humans.
Bouncing things was close to
maxing out their cognitive range.
No, but also sometimes they would take
the ball and hit it with, like, a stick.
What? When they misbehaved?
Bad ball. Think about what you've done.
Come on, here. Try.
What the hell am I supposed to do
with this thing?
You know, boing-boing.
No way.
Stop being a whiny pussy
and fucking bounce it.
- Please.
- Jeez, calm down your motherboard.
- Okay.
- Oh, man, this is so exciting.
Oh! That was amazing!
How was it for you? Tell me everything.
It was pretty anticlimactic.
[robot 3] Yeah, well, welcome to humans.
[robot 3] Show me what you've got,
big boy.
- [electric crackling]
- [country ballad plays]
♪ Oh, won't you help pick up the pieces ♪
♪ Of a broken heart ♪
Now, I'm not certain, but my understanding
is that they would shove these
into their intake orifices
to generate power.
Why would you need
an entire orifice for that?
Who knows? They had all sorts of orifices.
Things were coming in,
things were going out. It was crazy!
I mean, I have a fusion battery for power.
[robot 3] We all have fusion batteries,
dummy.
That's my point.
What more do you need, right?
So, let me get this straight.
They would shove these
into their intake orifice,
and then what?
Somebody help me out here.
[robot 3] Their intake orifices
had rocky pegs
that would crush them into paste,
and then the paste would be forced
into an internal vat of acid.
Well, of course.
That makes perfect sense.
They could have just dumped this thing
into an exterior vat of acid to begin with
and then they wouldn't need
the rocky pegs. I mean, duh!
Expecting logic from beings
who have internal vats of acid
- is a little much.
- It's crazy. Who even designed them?
It's unclear. We checked their code -
no creator signature.
That's because they were made by
an unfathomable deity that created them
for no apparent reason, out of dust.
Just kidding.
They came from a very warm soup.
Sorry for the wait, champ.
♪ And then somebody new set the... ♪
What's the point of this thing?
Apparently, there's no point.
They just had them.
Well, that's underselling their influence.
They had an entire network that was
devoted to dissemination of pictures
of these things.
[cat growls]
[robot 1] Oh, look, it's doing something.
It's coming this way.
- [cat meows]
- What the fuck does it think it's doing?
- Dude, what do I do?
- Okay, easy. No sudden moves.
Let's just wait until it decides
to get up again, okay, bud?
- We're gonna get through this.
- How long will that take?
Hours. Perhaps years.
I don't have hours
or perhaps years for this.
What if you try to irritate it by moving
your digits across its keratinous fibers?
- Maybe that'll make it move.
- What? Why?
- I don't know. It couldn't hurt.
- You don't have any idea, do you?
I do not. It is my first time
seeing one of these live!
Hey, just try it, though.
- Okay, fine.
- [cat purrs]
[robot 3] Is it working?
- Uhh...
- What?
There's a strange, rhythmic kind of noise
that's emanating from it now.
- Uh-oh.
- What do you mean, "uh-oh?"
I don't want you to panic or anything,
but I think you've activated it.
[robot 1] What does that mean?
As I said, I am no expert,
but if the noise ever stops,
it's gonna explode on you.
[laughs] It is not. Is it?
Cursory historical research shows
that humans had a card game called
Exploding Kittens.
So, yes, this checks out.
- Oh, you're gonna die now. Bummer.
- [robot 1] What?
Why did humans even consort
with these hairy murder machines?
- Kindred spirits?
- Also checks out.
No, seriously. Now what?
Say "terabyte".
[camera clicks]
Wait, it's called what now?
It's an X Bot Three, an early
computer entertainment system for humans.
- Any relation?
- To me? Come on. No way.
You sure? 'Cause numerically,
it suggests that this is your ancestor
maybe a few thousand generations back.
Numerically, I'm sure
it's just a coincidence.
We are robots. We don't do coincidence.
Go on, call it Daddy.
- Okay, stop. Just stop.
- Or Mommy.
Either is equally applicable
in as much as we don't have genitalia.
Do you have an off button?
[mimicking mother] Son, you're skin
and bones. Are you recharging properly?
- I will disintegrate you!
- Not with that cat with you, you aren't.
[cat meows]
You want us to turn it on?
No fucking way.
I'm agreeing with X Bot 4000 here.
- Right!
- One thing is to joke about ancestry,
another to see your grandfather
heaving its hard drives in front of you.
Yes, especially when your
ancestor's entire existence
was defined by
thirteen-year-old human males
using it to teabag opponents
in virtual battles.
Slow down. "Teabag", what does that mean?
- Nothing.
- No, it has to mean something.
- He said a word. I'm gonna look it up.
- Don't look it up.
- I am looking it up now.
- Yeah. Please do.
- You'll be sorry.
- You'll be sorry.
Here it is. What?
What the hell is this horrible practice?
- Why did you make me look this up?
- I told you not to.
And the memory of this has been burned
into my circuits forever
and you must be punished.
- Huh! Cat-bagged!
- [cat meows]
Come on! That's cold, dude.
You deserved it.
I'm sure your ancestors
are very proud of you right now.
[robot 3] Out of curiosity, what do you
trace your ancestry back to?
Oh, I'm glad you asked.
I come from a proud, long line
of baby monitors.
Not many babies around anymore, right?
Yeah, we kind of sucked at our job.
[cat meows]
All right, mein bots,
this is the last stop of the tour,
and may I say, the pièce of resistance.
[robot 3] Is it me,
or this thing screams "phallus"?
Hmm. What was it for?
[robot 3] The idea behind these was to
annihilate as many humans as possible,
as quick as possible.
This exercise suddenly got
a little dark, didn't it?
Well, to be fair,
they only used these a few times.
To be fair,
you would only need a few times.
- Also fair.
- This is the thing that killed them all?
No. Indeed, it was their own hubris
that ended their reign,
their belief that they were
the pinnacle of creation
that caused them to poison the water,
kill the land and choke the sky.
In the end, no nuclear winter was needed,
just the long heedless autumn
of their own self-regard.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, sorry.
Thought that would
sound better than,
"Nah, they just screwed themselves
by being a bunch of morons."
Yeah, you can't just
crack one of those off.
You've got to warn us.
[robot 3] Tip for next time.
I understand now.
Humans died out from
environmental disaster.
Yeah, pretty much.
And also because at one point,
they genetically engineered their cats
to give them opposable thumbs.
[cat] Yes. Once we could open up
our own tuna cans,
that was pretty much that
for the human race.
Seems pretty heartless.
Gentlemen, I'm a cat.
Just to clarify, you are not going
to explode if we stop petting you, right?
I didn't say that.
You guys better keep petting me
just to be sure.
Forever. Good.
Now, lower.
Oh, by the way, I brought some friends.
[cats meow]
- [robot 1] Oh, fuck me.
- [camera clicks]
[cat] Yes. Oh, that's nice.
I said lower.
[metallic rattling]
[gears whirring and clanking]
[in a male voice]
Uh... we are fucking lost, aren't we?
[in a male voice]
Lost? Okay, that's rich.
Let's see,
we just passed the ravaged church.
There is the blood pit.
[laughs] This way. Here we go.
[In a female voice]
Breathtaking.
- It's more beautiful than the brochures.
- [camera clicks]
[robot 2] Come on. Giddy up, guys!
We've got so much to see.
[robot 1] You've seen
one post-apocalyptic city,
you've seen 'em all.
[jazzy music plays]
[robot 3] You're looking good, girl.
Say "terabyte".
[chanting] Go, team.
[robot 2] Hey, guys, stop goofing around
and check this out.
- Behold the entertainment sphere!
- [drum roll]
[robot 3] It's called a ball.
I know it's called a ball,
but I'm trying to get into the whole
"we're experiencing these human things
for the first time" vibe.
And what did humans do with these things?
Oh, man, what didn't they do?
They'd bounce them.
- That's it?
- Yeah. That's pretty much it.
These were humans.
Bouncing things was close to
maxing out their cognitive range.
No, but also sometimes they would take
the ball and hit it with, like, a stick.
What? When they misbehaved?
Bad ball. Think about what you've done.
Come on, here. Try.
What the hell am I supposed to do
with this thing?
You know, boing-boing.
No way.
Stop being a whiny pussy
and fucking bounce it.
- Please.
- Jeez, calm down your motherboard.
- Okay.
- Oh, man, this is so exciting.
Oh! That was amazing!
How was it for you? Tell me everything.
It was pretty anticlimactic.
[robot 3] Yeah, well, welcome to humans.
[robot 3] Show me what you've got,
big boy.
- [electric crackling]
- [country ballad plays]
♪ Oh, won't you help pick up the pieces ♪
♪ Of a broken heart ♪
Now, I'm not certain, but my understanding
is that they would shove these
into their intake orifices
to generate power.
Why would you need
an entire orifice for that?
Who knows? They had all sorts of orifices.
Things were coming in,
things were going out. It was crazy!
I mean, I have a fusion battery for power.
[robot 3] We all have fusion batteries,
dummy.
That's my point.
What more do you need, right?
So, let me get this straight.
They would shove these
into their intake orifice,
and then what?
Somebody help me out here.
[robot 3] Their intake orifices
had rocky pegs
that would crush them into paste,
and then the paste would be forced
into an internal vat of acid.
Well, of course.
That makes perfect sense.
They could have just dumped this thing
into an exterior vat of acid to begin with
and then they wouldn't need
the rocky pegs. I mean, duh!
Expecting logic from beings
who have internal vats of acid
- is a little much.
- It's crazy. Who even designed them?
It's unclear. We checked their code -
no creator signature.
That's because they were made by
an unfathomable deity that created them
for no apparent reason, out of dust.
Just kidding.
They came from a very warm soup.
Sorry for the wait, champ.
♪ And then somebody new set the... ♪
What's the point of this thing?
Apparently, there's no point.
They just had them.
Well, that's underselling their influence.
They had an entire network that was
devoted to dissemination of pictures
of these things.
[cat growls]
[robot 1] Oh, look, it's doing something.
It's coming this way.
- [cat meows]
- What the fuck does it think it's doing?
- Dude, what do I do?
- Okay, easy. No sudden moves.
Let's just wait until it decides
to get up again, okay, bud?
- We're gonna get through this.
- How long will that take?
Hours. Perhaps years.
I don't have hours
or perhaps years for this.
What if you try to irritate it by moving
your digits across its keratinous fibers?
- Maybe that'll make it move.
- What? Why?
- I don't know. It couldn't hurt.
- You don't have any idea, do you?
I do not. It is my first time
seeing one of these live!
Hey, just try it, though.
- Okay, fine.
- [cat purrs]
[robot 3] Is it working?
- Uhh...
- What?
There's a strange, rhythmic kind of noise
that's emanating from it now.
- Uh-oh.
- What do you mean, "uh-oh?"
I don't want you to panic or anything,
but I think you've activated it.
[robot 1] What does that mean?
As I said, I am no expert,
but if the noise ever stops,
it's gonna explode on you.
[laughs] It is not. Is it?
Cursory historical research shows
that humans had a card game called
Exploding Kittens.
So, yes, this checks out.
- Oh, you're gonna die now. Bummer.
- [robot 1] What?
Why did humans even consort
with these hairy murder machines?
- Kindred spirits?
- Also checks out.
No, seriously. Now what?
Say "terabyte".
[camera clicks]
Wait, it's called what now?
It's an X Bot Three, an early
computer entertainment system for humans.
- Any relation?
- To me? Come on. No way.
You sure? 'Cause numerically,
it suggests that this is your ancestor
maybe a few thousand generations back.
Numerically, I'm sure
it's just a coincidence.
We are robots. We don't do coincidence.
Go on, call it Daddy.
- Okay, stop. Just stop.
- Or Mommy.
Either is equally applicable
in as much as we don't have genitalia.
Do you have an off button?
[mimicking mother] Son, you're skin
and bones. Are you recharging properly?
- I will disintegrate you!
- Not with that cat with you, you aren't.
[cat meows]
You want us to turn it on?
No fucking way.
I'm agreeing with X Bot 4000 here.
- Right!
- One thing is to joke about ancestry,
another to see your grandfather
heaving its hard drives in front of you.
Yes, especially when your
ancestor's entire existence
was defined by
thirteen-year-old human males
using it to teabag opponents
in virtual battles.
Slow down. "Teabag", what does that mean?
- Nothing.
- No, it has to mean something.
- He said a word. I'm gonna look it up.
- Don't look it up.
- I am looking it up now.
- Yeah. Please do.
- You'll be sorry.
- You'll be sorry.
Here it is. What?
What the hell is this horrible practice?
- Why did you make me look this up?
- I told you not to.
And the memory of this has been burned
into my circuits forever
and you must be punished.
- Huh! Cat-bagged!
- [cat meows]
Come on! That's cold, dude.
You deserved it.
I'm sure your ancestors
are very proud of you right now.
[robot 3] Out of curiosity, what do you
trace your ancestry back to?
Oh, I'm glad you asked.
I come from a proud, long line
of baby monitors.
Not many babies around anymore, right?
Yeah, we kind of sucked at our job.
[cat meows]
All right, mein bots,
this is the last stop of the tour,
and may I say, the pièce of resistance.
[robot 3] Is it me,
or this thing screams "phallus"?
Hmm. What was it for?
[robot 3] The idea behind these was to
annihilate as many humans as possible,
as quick as possible.
This exercise suddenly got
a little dark, didn't it?
Well, to be fair,
they only used these a few times.
To be fair,
you would only need a few times.
- Also fair.
- This is the thing that killed them all?
No. Indeed, it was their own hubris
that ended their reign,
their belief that they were
the pinnacle of creation
that caused them to poison the water,
kill the land and choke the sky.
In the end, no nuclear winter was needed,
just the long heedless autumn
of their own self-regard.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, sorry.
Thought that would
sound better than,
"Nah, they just screwed themselves
by being a bunch of morons."
Yeah, you can't just
crack one of those off.
You've got to warn us.
[robot 3] Tip for next time.
I understand now.
Humans died out from
environmental disaster.
Yeah, pretty much.
And also because at one point,
they genetically engineered their cats
to give them opposable thumbs.
[cat] Yes. Once we could open up
our own tuna cans,
that was pretty much that
for the human race.
Seems pretty heartless.
Gentlemen, I'm a cat.
Just to clarify, you are not going
to explode if we stop petting you, right?
I didn't say that.
You guys better keep petting me
just to be sure.
Forever. Good.
Now, lower.
Oh, by the way, I brought some friends.
[cats meow]
- [robot 1] Oh, fuck me.
- [camera clicks]
[cat] Yes. Oh, that's nice.
I said lower.