Love (2016–2018): Season 1, Episode 8 - Episode #1.8 - full transcript
Hey, morning.
- You hungry?
- Hmm?
You hungry?
You wanna get breakfast?
No, I can't...
I got work.
Okay.
Well, I think I'm just
gonna go home, then.
'Cause, um...
I got work, too,
so I should just go get ready.
Okay.
Hey, just a reminder,
my friends and I
are doing that, like,
movie theme party thing tonight,
if you wanna come my place or...
Sounds stupid.
Okay.
- Oh.
- Oh, hey!
Hey, Heidi.
Hi, Walt.
You leavin' already?
Yeah, Arya's all done,
so I get to go home.
Well, you're lucky.
Well, I'm bummed
my new favorite acting coach is leaving.
Aw. What?
"New acting coach"? No.
- Come on.
- No.
It's true.
Thank you for the other day.
I put myself out there,
and now I'm getting more scenes.
Hey, that was all you, seriously.
- Congratulations. It's cool.
- You're up, Walt.
Oh, shit.
They're calling me in, guys, sorry.
- Okay.
- Wish me luck.
- Good luck.
- Here I come!
- Well...
- Yeah.
Uh, do you gotta get in there too?
- Oh, no, I'm not... I'm not in that scene.
- Oh, okay.
I'll let you get going
to whatever you gotta go do.
Are you busy?
Oh, no.
Why? Uh, what's up?
Well, is there a teeny-tiny chance
maybe you could run some lines with me?
Oh, uh... yeah, sure.
Oh, and can you not put lotion
on my legs?
I just don't like the way it feels.
Thanks.
Ticklish?
No, I'm not ticklish,
I just don't like it. Thank you.
He still hasn't texted.
- Who?
- Gus.
Gus, that little bassist?
We went on a date last night
to a magic show.
It was fun,
but I think I might have fucked it up.
- What happened?
- I don't know.
I was rude without meaning to be.
He's so sweet.
If he's sweet,
then what are you worried about?
I'm not worried.
I just thought that was the benefit
of having sex with a nice guy,
is he was nice to you.
I mean, when I had had sex
with that asshole from Top Chef
I didn't expect a call,
but I didn't expect mind games from Gus.
"Do not resist us.
You have evil inside you."
The only evil force in here is you.
"Stand back!
The ancient incantation cometh."
Man-Wolf, I summon thee!
Release me!
And that's it.
Wow, that's amazing.
You can just work up
tears like that, huh?
- Oh, yeah, thank you.
- That's very impressive.
Hey, uh, your elderly priest
was not so bad.
Oh! Thank you.
Yeah, I went to Catholic school
so I was really just, uh, channeling...
a Father Jerry there.
Oh, you're so funny, Gus.
- Oh, thank you.
- No, you are.
Okay, well, you break a leg.
- I'm sure you'll do great.
- Thank you.
What are doing tonight?
Doing anything fun?
Oh, yeah,
I'm just having some friends come over.
- Oh, cool.
- We do this thing where we...
we get together and we write theme songs
for movies that don't have one.
That is too funny.
Thanks, yeah, no, we...
Yeah, we have fun.
It sounds like something
me and my friends in Toronto would do.
Mmm-hmm. Uh, what about you?
What are you up to tonight?
- Um, I got some stuff on the DVR.
- Mmm-hmm.
So I'm gonna do that.
I don't know, is it just me, or is it
kind of lonely here?
I think I just miss my friends, probably.
Well, you can come
to the thing tonight...
- if you want to, or...
- Oh, I didn't mean to invite myself.
Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry.
- No. No, no, you didn't.
- I didn't meant to do that.
That was just, uh...
No, it's totally cool.
Are you sure?
Definitely, yeah.
Okay, cool.
I'll stop by after I'm done here.
- All right.
- And if you need a vocalist, um...
I did, uh, Singing with the Stars.
What's that?
It's like The Voice but for Canada.
Oh, that's cool.
How'd you do?
♪ I came in ninth ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
I'm kidding!
Yeah. Hey.
- No, don't clap for that. No.
- It's good.
No, with a voice like that,
you should come in first.
I, um...
I should have, yeah.
- Yeah.
- I should have.
- Okay. Great. All right.
- Okay. Have a good one.
You, too.
All right, bye.
Yo, Gus.
Gus, Gus, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
- Hey! What's up?
- Dude, dude, dude.
What are you doing
coming out of Heidi's trailer?
Nothing, we were just, like,
running lines and stuff.
Dude, you're on a fucking roll right now.
Didn't you just bang a crazy blonde chick?
No. Me and... I mean, I...
banged Mickey, yeah.
But, Heidi, no. We were just, like,
running lines in there.
Nothing's going on between us.
Just be careful, man. You can't go around
fucking the girls on the show.
That's a full-time Cosby move.
What?
No, but, that's different.
Like, he was in a position of power.
I'm, like, the least powerful person here.
If anything, she's like Cosby-ing me
or something, you know.
Listen, you don't even
have to explain it to me.
I want to fuck all the girls on the set.
All of 'em. And their moms.
- Oh.
- But I can't, Gus.
I can't do it because
I'm a professional.
Kevin, if I can be honest,
I feel a little judged by you right now.
I feel like you're, like,
monitoring me, and, like...
casting aspersions
when there should be no aspersions cast.
- Listen, I'm just saying...
- I understand where you're coming from.
If something was going on
between Heidi and I, yes, I would...
It's good advice, okay?
It's good advice.
I know it's good advice, man.
I'm like that black guy in every movie
that comes on and gives his white friend
perfect advice.
- Hmm.
- But for some reason,
every time I go out for those roles, man,
I never get 'em.
Well, that's okay. I hate it
when that happens in movies anyway.
Do you, really?
That's my favorite part.
- Really? That's my least favorite part.
- You've Got Mail?
Dave Chappelle was great
in You've Got Mail.
That's true.
He did hit the high watermark of...
dependable black friends.
But you'd be great, man.
- I know I would be great, man.
- Yeah.
That's actually why I came out here.
To be great.
Not hand out sandwiches, man.
I wonder if you can get
breast cancer from these.
If it'll just start.
He mentioned this sing-along thing
he's doing tonight.
- Who?
- Gus.
Oh, we're still on this?
You know what? Fuck it.
I'm just gonna show up.
I'll go late. Everybody'll leave,
I'll sleep over and it'll all be good.
You're just gonna, like,
crash his party?
I'm not crashing.
He invited me twice.
Hey, you're gonna clean those
before you use them again, right?
- They're clean.
- That's bullshit!
I've been sitting here this whole time.
They're not clean.
It's steel. They self-clean.
You used dirty tools
to give me a manicure?
I could get gangrene from you!
I could lose a hand!
Really?
You're all good?
Yeah, I'm just having
a low blood sugar moment.
♪ Stay out of Carlito's Way ♪
♪ He's gonna go far-Lito's Way! ♪
♪ He's a superstar-Lito's Way ♪
Come on!
♪ Ain't life bizarre-Lito's Way! ♪
Can we do a ballad next time?
I feel like my voice sounds
really good when we do ballads.
Of course. Yeah.
Also, could I have... When I sing ballads,
my voice sounds good like that, too.
- Okay.
- Get your own thing, Ruby.
Ballads are my thing.
Hey, man, did you give this Heidi girl
the heads-up about tonight?
Like, what?
What do you mean?
I mean, this sort of party
isn't everybody's thing.
I invited a girl to one of these
and we broke up after.
I also threw up in her car
on the car ride home.
That... was part of it.
Our music nights
can be a lot to take in, man.
That's fine.
I gave her a heads-up.
She knows, like, this isn't, like...
the hottest ticket in town.
So, it's fine.
Where did you get that toaster?
Oh, it came with, uh, the Springwood.
- It did?
- Yeah.
Yeah, you probably have one, too.
No, I didn't get one.
Your apartment came with a toaster?
- Yeah.
- I had to go on fucking Amazon.
This is fascinating.
Yeah, you got ripped off.
- Hey!
- Hey!
- How's it goin'?
- Good. How are you?
Good to see you.
Yeah, you too.
I brought some snacks.
- Thank you. Nice of you.
- Okay.
Hi, guys,
I'm Heidi.
Thanks for letting me crash this party.
Yeah. Hey.
Yeah, everybody,
this is Heidi.
Heidi, uh, that's Kyle,
we got Dean, Randy, Cori...
Ah, you know, everybody.
You roll deep!
I love it.
Aw, yeah.
Gus told me about, uh,
your singing-theme-song party.
Oh, my God,
I'm, like... I flipped out.
- So excited to be here. So excited.
- Yeah.
So, what movie
are we doing tonight?
Oh, uh, tonight, we're tackling,
uh, Carlito's Way.
- Okay.
- Tonight. Yeah.
Starring, uh, you might know him
as Albert Pacino.
Oh, and guys, we're in luck,
because this one over here
has a beautiful voice.
- Oh, stop.
- No...
It's true. I know.
I know that you do.
I know you were
on the Canadian Singing for the Stars,
and you beat Bethany LeFleur, so...
Oh, my gosh, thank you so much.
That's so sweet.
I didn't know that they aired that here.
No, they didn't. I was...
I was in Canada with my cousin.
We had poutine
and we watched the whole series...
...and I gained, like, five pounds.
So you work with Gus on Witchita?
- Yeah. Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah, Heidi's an actress on the show.
- Oh.
- Ooh. You got any hot gossip?
Yeah, Gus never tells us anything.
Oh, what's the guy
who plays the mayor like?
I feel like he's,
like, a dick in real life.
He's just has, like, a dick vibe.
Well, all I can say is
that the cast,
like, when we're all on the set together,
it's like one big family.
Um, and the guy that plays the mayor
is a huge perv.
- Mmm, I knew it!
- Yep.
♪ Stay out of Carlito's Way ♪
♪ Pacino's on par ♪
♪ Lito's Way ♪
♪ He left the door ajar ♪
♪ Lito's Way! ♪
♪ Playing that guitar-Lito's Way! ♪
Ooh, baby.
- That was awesome!
- Awesome.
Hey, hey, you guys,
does anybody want Thai food?
Doesn't that sound
really good right now?
Like, some Pad See Ew or something.
Okay, cool! I'll just get, like, a bunch
of stuff for everybody. It's my treat.
- Oh, no, Heidi you don't have to do that.
- No, I want to. It's okay.
Gus, let her!
Uh, can you get us
some shaking beef?
Yeah, sure, sweetie.
- She's so nice. Isn't she nice?
- Yeah.
Yeah, Canadians are the best.
It's because of their health care system.
Yeah, for real.
Like, it relieves so much stress,
that they can just focus
on being pleasant all the time.
♪ It's either Carlito's Way ♪
♪ Or the Carlito's highway ♪
♪ It's either Carlito's Way
Or the Carlito's highway ♪
♪ Highway ♪
♪ It's either Carlito's Way ♪
♪ Or the Carlito's highway ♪
♪ Highway, highway ♪
♪ It's either Carlito's Way ♪
Hey...
♪ Or the Carlito's ♪
♪ Highway, yeah ♪
- Oh...
- Hey! Hey, Mickey!
- Hey.
- You showed up.
Yeah, well, you invited me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um...
Hey, everybody,
this is, uh, my...
friend, Mickey!
And Mickey, this is, uh, Chris, and Kyle,
and... yeah, everybody.
Uh, I hope it's okay that I came.
Of course! Yes. Yeah.
You wanna... You want something to drink,
or, uh, you want a snack, or...
something to drink?
Or, I said that twice.
Uh, you want two drinks?
- I'll take a water.
- Okay, cool.
Guys, I'm, like, loving these lyrics,
but I feel like it's missing harmony.
So, uh, how you doing?
Good. What's the deal?
I didn't hear from you all day?
Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
I... I wasn't, uh...
I hope you don't mind that I didn't
text you or call you or anything.
Whatever. I mean,
I'm sorry if at the Magic Castle
I was a little...
Oh, no, no. I mean, that's not why
I didn't text you or anything.
I just figured, you know,
we saw each other this morning,
and I kind of figured
that was like our daily contact thing.
Whatever.
It's not your job to text me.
- No, yeah, right.
- Uh...
You're sure it's not weird
that I'm here?
Yeah... yeah, I'm glad you're here.
Hey, you look really cute.
Thank you.
You, too.
I mean, obviously,
you're, like, so pretty.
Come on, Gus,
we need more rhymes!
Oh, okay. Well...
I should probably get in there.
Um, wanna come?
Um, gonna drink my water.
I'll be there in a minute.
Let's have fun, okay?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
What comes next, Mom?
Take the fork
and put it along the pastry, just so.
As if a crow...
...were dancing along the crust.
Oh, Mom, sorry.
Something's come up with Mickey
and I have to say goodbye.
Is everything okay?
Definitely. Talk to you later?
All right, sweetie.
Anytime, darling.
- Okay, miss you, love you.
- Miss you...
Bye. Bye.
- Turn the stove off.
- All right.
So, do you both edit reality TV shows?
Yeah, that's right.
Kyle gave me my first job.
Oh, cool.
So, do you, like, hate it or...
No, if you're an editor,
reality TV is, like, so fun.
Like, all those shows
come together in editing,
so we're basically treated like gods.
This is, like, their favorite thing
to talk about.
How reality TV is fake.
No, we can, like, make things happen
that didn't actually happen in real life.
Wait a minute.
No way! Is that true?
Yeah, I mean,
we kind of do it all the time.
That's so funny!
So, you're like, literally God.
- Well...
- Uh-huh.
Like, if someone said, "I love my mom
and I hate Osama Bin Laden,"
I could edit them to say,
"I love Osama Bin Laden."
Oh, my! That's terrible.
Or, "I hate my mom,"
which isn't exactly a lie in my case.
Sometimes I want to put a pillow
over her head and end her.
Mickey.
Okay, so, like, what rhymes...
What's another word that rhymes with,
like, Carlito's Way?
What about "Scar-lito's Way"?
Yeah, that's good.
It can be like, uh...
"Al Pacino once played a character
whose face had a Scar-lito's Way."
Uh, any others?
What about "Fnar-lito's Way"?
What's a fnar?
I don't know, it just rhymes, right?
Oh...
Yeah, but, like, usually,
we like to do it, like...
It's like a word that exists that rhymes.
We like to use real words.
But it... it might work. Like...
♪ Fnar-lito's Way! ♪
Wow. That's a trained voice.
You're not just born with that.
Thank you.
I went to, um,
musical theater camp in Ottawa,
and it, honestly, changed my life.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
Okay, so, "Fnar-lito's Way."
That could work.
Yeah, let's, uh, work with that.
So, um...
I'm sorry, what is this, exactly?
Oh, well, we, like, write theme songs
for, like, the closing credits of movies,
for movies that don't have
closing credit theme songs, I guess.
But what's the point?
- Uh, I don't know, just for fun.
- Yeah, it's just for fun.
- Enjoy ourselves?
- We just like having a good time, I guess.
It's for so much fun.
You guys are hilarious.
Oh, my God!
Funny or Die is so funny!
Have you seen The Landlord?
So funny, right?
So, it's like bad songs
about bad movies?
No, no, it's...
The songs aren't bad.
It's more like... okay songs
for movies that aren't anything.
It's not like we're trying
to make fun of bad movies.
It's not, like, one of those things.
It's just like...
we try to write good songs
about any kind of movie.
Something usually cool comes out of it
if everybody just, kinda...
works together and comes up
with something, I don't know...
No, I don't mean to...
I'm sorry, I don't mean to be...
contrarian or difficult, or...
I'll just shut up now.
No...
Uh, excuse me, sorry...
Okay.
Uh, excuse me, sorry.
Hi, um, do you know where E-2200s are?
I'm looking for Gus Cruikshank.
Uh, I don't know, but there should be
a directory in the main building.
So how do you know Gus?
Oh, um, from Witchita.
I'm an actress on the show.
An actress. Yeah, I had a feeling.
You got a real star quality.
Oh, thank you!
I've been acting
since I was, like, four, so...
I just moved here, um,
a few months ago from Canada.
- Oh, wow. Big change.
- Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know...
it's not the friendliest city
in the world.
As I'm sure you know, but, you know,
I bet it's gonna get better.
Mmm, it doesn't always.
People have a really hard time
dealing with it.
Sitting in traffic all the time,
being lonely and lost.
Car becomes your best friend.
Oh, wow.
I've been acting
since I was four.
God.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Great party.
- Heidi seems especially great.
- Yeah, I don't know.
She, um...
She sort of glommed on to the party.
Honestly, I didn't really expect her to...
come.
She just kind of dropped in, so...
She's so beautiful.
I guess.
Yeah, I mean, she's pretty.
I think as an actress,
it's kind of...
tough for her.
I think there's a lot of girls
who kind of look like her.
So it's sort of hard to stand out
in the crowd, and...
Hmm.
...all that, you know.
Okay, all right.
What? What?
There's people out there,
and I'm just like...
if somebody came in, I'd feel weird.
I just feel weird.
You're being so weird right now!
You're being weird.
What? What did I do?
You... I don't know,
I ask you to come to this,
you say no and then you just like,
show up out of nowhere.
It's like, crazy.
Whatever.
I'm gonna go smoke.
Are you leaving?
Um, going out to grab a smoke.
Come back soon.
You're a natural percussionist.
Oh, thanks.
- Would you be naked?
- But that's a weird thing.
- Hi.
- How's it going?
- Hi.
- Oh, hi, hello.
- Hey!
- Hi, Gus.
Bertie, what's up?
Is Mickey here?
No, you didn't see her outside?
No.
Hey, I know you.
You ran a focus group that I was in.
Oh, my gosh! Yes! You made that very
astute observation about the deli meat.
It's gross.
- Later, buddy. I'll see you tomorrow.
- See you, dude.
Oh, and nobody ate these,
so I'm just gonna bring 'em back.
Okay. Yeah.
Is this oak?
I think mine's balsa wood.
- Later!
- Bye!
Bye.
It's Bertie. B-E-R-T-I-E.
- Oh. Bertie...
- Bye, Gus!
- Bye. Bye.
- See ya, Gus!
Best party ever, man.
Love you.
Love you, too.
- I'm gonna take off.
- Oh, Heidi.
You're still here?
I assumed you had slipped out.
Oh, yeah, I was just in the...
in the bedroom getting my purse.
I, like, lost track of time...
- Oh, okay. Yeah.
- ...in there.
Do you need, um, help cleaning up?
No, no, no, it's okay.
Actually, the, uh, Springwood provides
a housekeeper once a week, so...
- Oh, fancy.
- Yes.
It's very fancy.
In fact, they have a business center
with, uh, two computers.
- Oh, my God.
- If you can believe it. Yeah.
I...
Thank you so much for inviting me.
It was so good to meet new people.
Oh, of course.
Yeah, I feel like everybody really, uh...
uh, liked you.
- I'm a witch. This is witch sex.
- Sure.
Gonna put a spell on your dick!
Uh-huh?
Can you feel that spell?
You got that magic wand up in me,
motherfucker.
Is that what you wanted?
Uh-huh?
That's what you wanted!
- You hungry?
- Hmm?
You hungry?
You wanna get breakfast?
No, I can't...
I got work.
Okay.
Well, I think I'm just
gonna go home, then.
'Cause, um...
I got work, too,
so I should just go get ready.
Okay.
Hey, just a reminder,
my friends and I
are doing that, like,
movie theme party thing tonight,
if you wanna come my place or...
Sounds stupid.
Okay.
- Oh.
- Oh, hey!
Hey, Heidi.
Hi, Walt.
You leavin' already?
Yeah, Arya's all done,
so I get to go home.
Well, you're lucky.
Well, I'm bummed
my new favorite acting coach is leaving.
Aw. What?
"New acting coach"? No.
- Come on.
- No.
It's true.
Thank you for the other day.
I put myself out there,
and now I'm getting more scenes.
Hey, that was all you, seriously.
- Congratulations. It's cool.
- You're up, Walt.
Oh, shit.
They're calling me in, guys, sorry.
- Okay.
- Wish me luck.
- Good luck.
- Here I come!
- Well...
- Yeah.
Uh, do you gotta get in there too?
- Oh, no, I'm not... I'm not in that scene.
- Oh, okay.
I'll let you get going
to whatever you gotta go do.
Are you busy?
Oh, no.
Why? Uh, what's up?
Well, is there a teeny-tiny chance
maybe you could run some lines with me?
Oh, uh... yeah, sure.
Oh, and can you not put lotion
on my legs?
I just don't like the way it feels.
Thanks.
Ticklish?
No, I'm not ticklish,
I just don't like it. Thank you.
He still hasn't texted.
- Who?
- Gus.
Gus, that little bassist?
We went on a date last night
to a magic show.
It was fun,
but I think I might have fucked it up.
- What happened?
- I don't know.
I was rude without meaning to be.
He's so sweet.
If he's sweet,
then what are you worried about?
I'm not worried.
I just thought that was the benefit
of having sex with a nice guy,
is he was nice to you.
I mean, when I had had sex
with that asshole from Top Chef
I didn't expect a call,
but I didn't expect mind games from Gus.
"Do not resist us.
You have evil inside you."
The only evil force in here is you.
"Stand back!
The ancient incantation cometh."
Man-Wolf, I summon thee!
Release me!
And that's it.
Wow, that's amazing.
You can just work up
tears like that, huh?
- Oh, yeah, thank you.
- That's very impressive.
Hey, uh, your elderly priest
was not so bad.
Oh! Thank you.
Yeah, I went to Catholic school
so I was really just, uh, channeling...
a Father Jerry there.
Oh, you're so funny, Gus.
- Oh, thank you.
- No, you are.
Okay, well, you break a leg.
- I'm sure you'll do great.
- Thank you.
What are doing tonight?
Doing anything fun?
Oh, yeah,
I'm just having some friends come over.
- Oh, cool.
- We do this thing where we...
we get together and we write theme songs
for movies that don't have one.
That is too funny.
Thanks, yeah, no, we...
Yeah, we have fun.
It sounds like something
me and my friends in Toronto would do.
Mmm-hmm. Uh, what about you?
What are you up to tonight?
- Um, I got some stuff on the DVR.
- Mmm-hmm.
So I'm gonna do that.
I don't know, is it just me, or is it
kind of lonely here?
I think I just miss my friends, probably.
Well, you can come
to the thing tonight...
- if you want to, or...
- Oh, I didn't mean to invite myself.
Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry.
- No. No, no, you didn't.
- I didn't meant to do that.
That was just, uh...
No, it's totally cool.
Are you sure?
Definitely, yeah.
Okay, cool.
I'll stop by after I'm done here.
- All right.
- And if you need a vocalist, um...
I did, uh, Singing with the Stars.
What's that?
It's like The Voice but for Canada.
Oh, that's cool.
How'd you do?
♪ I came in ninth ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
I'm kidding!
Yeah. Hey.
- No, don't clap for that. No.
- It's good.
No, with a voice like that,
you should come in first.
I, um...
I should have, yeah.
- Yeah.
- I should have.
- Okay. Great. All right.
- Okay. Have a good one.
You, too.
All right, bye.
Yo, Gus.
Gus, Gus, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
- Hey! What's up?
- Dude, dude, dude.
What are you doing
coming out of Heidi's trailer?
Nothing, we were just, like,
running lines and stuff.
Dude, you're on a fucking roll right now.
Didn't you just bang a crazy blonde chick?
No. Me and... I mean, I...
banged Mickey, yeah.
But, Heidi, no. We were just, like,
running lines in there.
Nothing's going on between us.
Just be careful, man. You can't go around
fucking the girls on the show.
That's a full-time Cosby move.
What?
No, but, that's different.
Like, he was in a position of power.
I'm, like, the least powerful person here.
If anything, she's like Cosby-ing me
or something, you know.
Listen, you don't even
have to explain it to me.
I want to fuck all the girls on the set.
All of 'em. And their moms.
- Oh.
- But I can't, Gus.
I can't do it because
I'm a professional.
Kevin, if I can be honest,
I feel a little judged by you right now.
I feel like you're, like,
monitoring me, and, like...
casting aspersions
when there should be no aspersions cast.
- Listen, I'm just saying...
- I understand where you're coming from.
If something was going on
between Heidi and I, yes, I would...
It's good advice, okay?
It's good advice.
I know it's good advice, man.
I'm like that black guy in every movie
that comes on and gives his white friend
perfect advice.
- Hmm.
- But for some reason,
every time I go out for those roles, man,
I never get 'em.
Well, that's okay. I hate it
when that happens in movies anyway.
Do you, really?
That's my favorite part.
- Really? That's my least favorite part.
- You've Got Mail?
Dave Chappelle was great
in You've Got Mail.
That's true.
He did hit the high watermark of...
dependable black friends.
But you'd be great, man.
- I know I would be great, man.
- Yeah.
That's actually why I came out here.
To be great.
Not hand out sandwiches, man.
I wonder if you can get
breast cancer from these.
If it'll just start.
He mentioned this sing-along thing
he's doing tonight.
- Who?
- Gus.
Oh, we're still on this?
You know what? Fuck it.
I'm just gonna show up.
I'll go late. Everybody'll leave,
I'll sleep over and it'll all be good.
You're just gonna, like,
crash his party?
I'm not crashing.
He invited me twice.
Hey, you're gonna clean those
before you use them again, right?
- They're clean.
- That's bullshit!
I've been sitting here this whole time.
They're not clean.
It's steel. They self-clean.
You used dirty tools
to give me a manicure?
I could get gangrene from you!
I could lose a hand!
Really?
You're all good?
Yeah, I'm just having
a low blood sugar moment.
♪ Stay out of Carlito's Way ♪
♪ He's gonna go far-Lito's Way! ♪
♪ He's a superstar-Lito's Way ♪
Come on!
♪ Ain't life bizarre-Lito's Way! ♪
Can we do a ballad next time?
I feel like my voice sounds
really good when we do ballads.
Of course. Yeah.
Also, could I have... When I sing ballads,
my voice sounds good like that, too.
- Okay.
- Get your own thing, Ruby.
Ballads are my thing.
Hey, man, did you give this Heidi girl
the heads-up about tonight?
Like, what?
What do you mean?
I mean, this sort of party
isn't everybody's thing.
I invited a girl to one of these
and we broke up after.
I also threw up in her car
on the car ride home.
That... was part of it.
Our music nights
can be a lot to take in, man.
That's fine.
I gave her a heads-up.
She knows, like, this isn't, like...
the hottest ticket in town.
So, it's fine.
Where did you get that toaster?
Oh, it came with, uh, the Springwood.
- It did?
- Yeah.
Yeah, you probably have one, too.
No, I didn't get one.
Your apartment came with a toaster?
- Yeah.
- I had to go on fucking Amazon.
This is fascinating.
Yeah, you got ripped off.
- Hey!
- Hey!
- How's it goin'?
- Good. How are you?
Good to see you.
Yeah, you too.
I brought some snacks.
- Thank you. Nice of you.
- Okay.
Hi, guys,
I'm Heidi.
Thanks for letting me crash this party.
Yeah. Hey.
Yeah, everybody,
this is Heidi.
Heidi, uh, that's Kyle,
we got Dean, Randy, Cori...
Ah, you know, everybody.
You roll deep!
I love it.
Aw, yeah.
Gus told me about, uh,
your singing-theme-song party.
Oh, my God,
I'm, like... I flipped out.
- So excited to be here. So excited.
- Yeah.
So, what movie
are we doing tonight?
Oh, uh, tonight, we're tackling,
uh, Carlito's Way.
- Okay.
- Tonight. Yeah.
Starring, uh, you might know him
as Albert Pacino.
Oh, and guys, we're in luck,
because this one over here
has a beautiful voice.
- Oh, stop.
- No...
It's true. I know.
I know that you do.
I know you were
on the Canadian Singing for the Stars,
and you beat Bethany LeFleur, so...
Oh, my gosh, thank you so much.
That's so sweet.
I didn't know that they aired that here.
No, they didn't. I was...
I was in Canada with my cousin.
We had poutine
and we watched the whole series...
...and I gained, like, five pounds.
So you work with Gus on Witchita?
- Yeah. Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah, Heidi's an actress on the show.
- Oh.
- Ooh. You got any hot gossip?
Yeah, Gus never tells us anything.
Oh, what's the guy
who plays the mayor like?
I feel like he's,
like, a dick in real life.
He's just has, like, a dick vibe.
Well, all I can say is
that the cast,
like, when we're all on the set together,
it's like one big family.
Um, and the guy that plays the mayor
is a huge perv.
- Mmm, I knew it!
- Yep.
♪ Stay out of Carlito's Way ♪
♪ Pacino's on par ♪
♪ Lito's Way ♪
♪ He left the door ajar ♪
♪ Lito's Way! ♪
♪ Playing that guitar-Lito's Way! ♪
Ooh, baby.
- That was awesome!
- Awesome.
Hey, hey, you guys,
does anybody want Thai food?
Doesn't that sound
really good right now?
Like, some Pad See Ew or something.
Okay, cool! I'll just get, like, a bunch
of stuff for everybody. It's my treat.
- Oh, no, Heidi you don't have to do that.
- No, I want to. It's okay.
Gus, let her!
Uh, can you get us
some shaking beef?
Yeah, sure, sweetie.
- She's so nice. Isn't she nice?
- Yeah.
Yeah, Canadians are the best.
It's because of their health care system.
Yeah, for real.
Like, it relieves so much stress,
that they can just focus
on being pleasant all the time.
♪ It's either Carlito's Way ♪
♪ Or the Carlito's highway ♪
♪ It's either Carlito's Way
Or the Carlito's highway ♪
♪ Highway ♪
♪ It's either Carlito's Way ♪
♪ Or the Carlito's highway ♪
♪ Highway, highway ♪
♪ It's either Carlito's Way ♪
Hey...
♪ Or the Carlito's ♪
♪ Highway, yeah ♪
- Oh...
- Hey! Hey, Mickey!
- Hey.
- You showed up.
Yeah, well, you invited me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um...
Hey, everybody,
this is, uh, my...
friend, Mickey!
And Mickey, this is, uh, Chris, and Kyle,
and... yeah, everybody.
Uh, I hope it's okay that I came.
Of course! Yes. Yeah.
You wanna... You want something to drink,
or, uh, you want a snack, or...
something to drink?
Or, I said that twice.
Uh, you want two drinks?
- I'll take a water.
- Okay, cool.
Guys, I'm, like, loving these lyrics,
but I feel like it's missing harmony.
So, uh, how you doing?
Good. What's the deal?
I didn't hear from you all day?
Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
I... I wasn't, uh...
I hope you don't mind that I didn't
text you or call you or anything.
Whatever. I mean,
I'm sorry if at the Magic Castle
I was a little...
Oh, no, no. I mean, that's not why
I didn't text you or anything.
I just figured, you know,
we saw each other this morning,
and I kind of figured
that was like our daily contact thing.
Whatever.
It's not your job to text me.
- No, yeah, right.
- Uh...
You're sure it's not weird
that I'm here?
Yeah... yeah, I'm glad you're here.
Hey, you look really cute.
Thank you.
You, too.
I mean, obviously,
you're, like, so pretty.
Come on, Gus,
we need more rhymes!
Oh, okay. Well...
I should probably get in there.
Um, wanna come?
Um, gonna drink my water.
I'll be there in a minute.
Let's have fun, okay?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
What comes next, Mom?
Take the fork
and put it along the pastry, just so.
As if a crow...
...were dancing along the crust.
Oh, Mom, sorry.
Something's come up with Mickey
and I have to say goodbye.
Is everything okay?
Definitely. Talk to you later?
All right, sweetie.
Anytime, darling.
- Okay, miss you, love you.
- Miss you...
Bye. Bye.
- Turn the stove off.
- All right.
So, do you both edit reality TV shows?
Yeah, that's right.
Kyle gave me my first job.
Oh, cool.
So, do you, like, hate it or...
No, if you're an editor,
reality TV is, like, so fun.
Like, all those shows
come together in editing,
so we're basically treated like gods.
This is, like, their favorite thing
to talk about.
How reality TV is fake.
No, we can, like, make things happen
that didn't actually happen in real life.
Wait a minute.
No way! Is that true?
Yeah, I mean,
we kind of do it all the time.
That's so funny!
So, you're like, literally God.
- Well...
- Uh-huh.
Like, if someone said, "I love my mom
and I hate Osama Bin Laden,"
I could edit them to say,
"I love Osama Bin Laden."
Oh, my! That's terrible.
Or, "I hate my mom,"
which isn't exactly a lie in my case.
Sometimes I want to put a pillow
over her head and end her.
Mickey.
Okay, so, like, what rhymes...
What's another word that rhymes with,
like, Carlito's Way?
What about "Scar-lito's Way"?
Yeah, that's good.
It can be like, uh...
"Al Pacino once played a character
whose face had a Scar-lito's Way."
Uh, any others?
What about "Fnar-lito's Way"?
What's a fnar?
I don't know, it just rhymes, right?
Oh...
Yeah, but, like, usually,
we like to do it, like...
It's like a word that exists that rhymes.
We like to use real words.
But it... it might work. Like...
♪ Fnar-lito's Way! ♪
Wow. That's a trained voice.
You're not just born with that.
Thank you.
I went to, um,
musical theater camp in Ottawa,
and it, honestly, changed my life.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
Okay, so, "Fnar-lito's Way."
That could work.
Yeah, let's, uh, work with that.
So, um...
I'm sorry, what is this, exactly?
Oh, well, we, like, write theme songs
for, like, the closing credits of movies,
for movies that don't have
closing credit theme songs, I guess.
But what's the point?
- Uh, I don't know, just for fun.
- Yeah, it's just for fun.
- Enjoy ourselves?
- We just like having a good time, I guess.
It's for so much fun.
You guys are hilarious.
Oh, my God!
Funny or Die is so funny!
Have you seen The Landlord?
So funny, right?
So, it's like bad songs
about bad movies?
No, no, it's...
The songs aren't bad.
It's more like... okay songs
for movies that aren't anything.
It's not like we're trying
to make fun of bad movies.
It's not, like, one of those things.
It's just like...
we try to write good songs
about any kind of movie.
Something usually cool comes out of it
if everybody just, kinda...
works together and comes up
with something, I don't know...
No, I don't mean to...
I'm sorry, I don't mean to be...
contrarian or difficult, or...
I'll just shut up now.
No...
Uh, excuse me, sorry...
Okay.
Uh, excuse me, sorry.
Hi, um, do you know where E-2200s are?
I'm looking for Gus Cruikshank.
Uh, I don't know, but there should be
a directory in the main building.
So how do you know Gus?
Oh, um, from Witchita.
I'm an actress on the show.
An actress. Yeah, I had a feeling.
You got a real star quality.
Oh, thank you!
I've been acting
since I was, like, four, so...
I just moved here, um,
a few months ago from Canada.
- Oh, wow. Big change.
- Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know...
it's not the friendliest city
in the world.
As I'm sure you know, but, you know,
I bet it's gonna get better.
Mmm, it doesn't always.
People have a really hard time
dealing with it.
Sitting in traffic all the time,
being lonely and lost.
Car becomes your best friend.
Oh, wow.
I've been acting
since I was four.
God.
Hey.
- Hey.
- Great party.
- Heidi seems especially great.
- Yeah, I don't know.
She, um...
She sort of glommed on to the party.
Honestly, I didn't really expect her to...
come.
She just kind of dropped in, so...
She's so beautiful.
I guess.
Yeah, I mean, she's pretty.
I think as an actress,
it's kind of...
tough for her.
I think there's a lot of girls
who kind of look like her.
So it's sort of hard to stand out
in the crowd, and...
Hmm.
...all that, you know.
Okay, all right.
What? What?
There's people out there,
and I'm just like...
if somebody came in, I'd feel weird.
I just feel weird.
You're being so weird right now!
You're being weird.
What? What did I do?
You... I don't know,
I ask you to come to this,
you say no and then you just like,
show up out of nowhere.
It's like, crazy.
Whatever.
I'm gonna go smoke.
Are you leaving?
Um, going out to grab a smoke.
Come back soon.
You're a natural percussionist.
Oh, thanks.
- Would you be naked?
- But that's a weird thing.
- Hi.
- How's it going?
- Hi.
- Oh, hi, hello.
- Hey!
- Hi, Gus.
Bertie, what's up?
Is Mickey here?
No, you didn't see her outside?
No.
Hey, I know you.
You ran a focus group that I was in.
Oh, my gosh! Yes! You made that very
astute observation about the deli meat.
It's gross.
- Later, buddy. I'll see you tomorrow.
- See you, dude.
Oh, and nobody ate these,
so I'm just gonna bring 'em back.
Okay. Yeah.
Is this oak?
I think mine's balsa wood.
- Later!
- Bye!
Bye.
It's Bertie. B-E-R-T-I-E.
- Oh. Bertie...
- Bye, Gus!
- Bye. Bye.
- See ya, Gus!
Best party ever, man.
Love you.
Love you, too.
- I'm gonna take off.
- Oh, Heidi.
You're still here?
I assumed you had slipped out.
Oh, yeah, I was just in the...
in the bedroom getting my purse.
I, like, lost track of time...
- Oh, okay. Yeah.
- ...in there.
Do you need, um, help cleaning up?
No, no, no, it's okay.
Actually, the, uh, Springwood provides
a housekeeper once a week, so...
- Oh, fancy.
- Yes.
It's very fancy.
In fact, they have a business center
with, uh, two computers.
- Oh, my God.
- If you can believe it. Yeah.
I...
Thank you so much for inviting me.
It was so good to meet new people.
Oh, of course.
Yeah, I feel like everybody really, uh...
uh, liked you.
- I'm a witch. This is witch sex.
- Sure.
Gonna put a spell on your dick!
Uh-huh?
Can you feel that spell?
You got that magic wand up in me,
motherfucker.
Is that what you wanted?
Uh-huh?
That's what you wanted!