Love (2016–2018): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Date - full transcript

[Mickey] Hi, Mickey, alcoholic.
[AA members] Hi, Mickey.

[Mickey] Um... I'm doing good,
doing the work.

This weekend was...

weird, tough.

My friends had this party,

and let's just say...

[inhales] I let things get out of hand.

[stutters] I didn't drink.
I'm still sober,

but it was the first time
in a super long time

that I felt like getting fucked up,

so I thought I should
bring myself to a meeting.



- Mickey? Mickey!
- Oh! Hey, Dianne!

Yeah, I thought I saw you in there.

Hey, beautiful.
Oh, it feels like forever.

[chuckles] Yeah.
Uh, work and everything, yeah.

- You wanna smoke?
- Uh, no. I quit.

- Oh, good for you!
- [chuckles] Yeah, I know.

So how are you?
How are things with you?

- [stutters] They're good?
- Yeah.

Yeah, do they not seem good?

[stuttering] No, no! I just... Um...

[smacks lips] You know,
what you said in there, and...

and I know.

I know. I've been there, sweetie.
So, you know what?

If you feel like picking up a drink,
you pick up the phone instead,



'cause I know
you have my number.

- Don't file it...
- [both] Dial it.

- Yes, I know.
- Yes.

- Okay.
- You're right, you're right. I will.

I know, I know,
everybody hates making the calls,

but I'd love to hear from you.
I really would.

And I will do that.

You know, it's amazing
how many things you can get done

when you take out that part of your brain
that's focused on not getting high.

Right.

I'm just getting to know myself.

It's the longest
I've ever been single.

It's so nice to not be seeking
all these outside things,

you know, like drinks or guys or...

You know, I... I've just been
so distracted by being happy.

[sniffles]

Okay.

Okay.

[sniffing]

[exhales]

[theme music playing]

[knocking on door]

Mickey, you decent?

Yeah, I'm just changing
my pillowcases.

I should change my pillow.

Do you know,
after five years,

half the weight of your pillow's,
like, bugs?

- What's up?
- I just wanted to get my jacket.

Oh, my God.

Bertie...

you look fucking hot.

- Really?
- Very hot.

Thank you.
Um, can I get my jacket?

Oh, the denim one? Yeah.

So, uh, are you stoked for tonight?

- Yeah. A little nervous.
- What?

No! You shouldn't be.
Gus is a sweetheart.

I have a really good feeling about this.

Well, you know what?
I've been thinking about it,

and I have high hopes.

That's the spirit.

And thank you so much
for setting this up.

It makes me feel good,
'cause I know you think he's nice,

which means you think I'm nice,
so I'm on your nice list.

So, it's like that thing
where if someone says to you,

"Hey, do you have someone nice
you can set my friend up with?"

- That's me.
- Yeah.

I'm a very big fan of Bertie.

And you deserve to be
with a guy like Gus.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

So, what's going on?
Are you guys going to dinner?

- I think so.
- Anything after?

I dunno. Maybe we'll hang out.
Should we come back here?

Will you be here?
Or asleep?

I'll just keep my door closed,

and text me, "Had a good night,"
on your way home,

and I'll know you guys
are gonna do it.

Oh, I couldn't move that fast.

Also, my period ended yesterday,
so I really don't feel like...

I don't know,
maybe I should just suck him off?

I can't tell you whether or not
to blow somebody.

I can't be held responsible.

Do you give blowjobs on a first date?

Um, I have given blowjobs
on a first date.

I've only done it twice,
and neither turned out ideal.

I mean, I don't want to be
the kind of person

who doesn't give blowjobs,

but if they're not any good...

Who cares? I should give more.
I deserve to have fun.

Fuck, yeah.

I mean, I don't know why
I make such a big deal out of it.

Everyone says that blowjobs are,
like, the new making out.

Look, there are risks either way.

I gave a guy an amazing blowjob
on a first date,

and he wouldn't stop calling me
for three years.

I couldn't shake him.
So there are pros to giving a bad blowjob.

What?

You look so pretty.

[cell phone chimes]

Oh, he's almost here.

[knocking on door]

- Um...
- You know what? Don't worry about it.

Just finish getting ready.

- I will answer the door.
- Thank you.

[knocking continues]

- Oh, hey, Gus. Come on in.
- Hey.

Bertie's still getting ready.

Okay. Sure.

Yeah, sorry,
I'm a little early.

[chuckles] You always are.

Yes. It's my trademark.

So, you gonna take Bertie out to dinner?

Yeah. Yeah, we're going to this place...

uh, Tucker's, it's called.

Tucker's. I never heard of it.

Yeah, I hadn't either.

But a foodie friend of mine,
she usually knows what's up,

and she told me to go, so...

- Ugh.
- What? What are you reading?

I'm not reading a good review on Yelp.

Oh. Oh.
"The calamari seemed frozen."

- [sucks teeth]
- Shit. That's not good, hmm?

Mmm, you know what?

Fuck it, 'cause this is usually
just one pissed off dude

who had a bad experience
and then wrote, like, 50 bad reviews.

Oh, that's nice of you to say,

but I don't think Yelp
allows you to do that.

Oh, you'd be surprised.

This dry cleaner fucked up my jacket,

and I created all these
fake email addresses,

and wrote all these bad reviews.

It took all day,
but it felt great.

Oh. Well, do me a favor.

Go on to Yelp and, uh,
write some good reviews

for this fucking dump we're going to.

- Can do. [chuckles]
- All right. Good.

What are you two giggling about?

Oh, uh, nothing.

Uh, Mickey was saying that the place
we're going to is, uh, not so good.

So, uh, I guess there's
some bad Yelp reviews.

But maybe we should go
somewhere else then?

- I don't know.
- No, I think that's good.

Let's go and let's just see
what it's like.

And even if it's bad,
we should write a good review

because we're nice.

Yes, I agree. Perfect.

Well, should we, uh...

[in silly voice] should we hit the road?

- [in silly voice] Let's do it.
- All right.

- [Gus and Bertie laughing]
- Oh, my God. You're so cute. Look at this.

In a year, I'm gonna be bragging
that I introduced you at your wedding.

- Oh, well I...
- Oh.

Oh, did I make it weird?
I made it weird.

- No.
- No. No.

- Let's go.
- Okay, cool.

Just a heads up,
my car sort of smells like McDonald's.

Oh, great!

[Gus] Sorry, I slammed that door
harder than I meant to.

[Bertie] It's fine. It's just a door.
[Gus] Right.

- Here's your table.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

[patrons chatting indistinctly]

- Thank you.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Thank you.
- And your waiter will be right with you.

- Oh, great. Thank you.
- Awesome. Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

Wow.

- Nice place.
- I know, right?

- Fancy.
- Yeah.

And, um, you look great,
by the way.

Aw, thank you.
You look really nice, too.

Aw, thanks.

We both clean up good.
We should be proud.

So I lend this bag of dicks
$5,000, okay?

Says, "Can I pay you back
in three months?"

I don't even think about it.
I keep my mouth shut.

Three months go past,
I don't have any money in my pocket,

and the motherfucker comes up to me

and he asked me for another two grand.

- [woman] No, he didn't!
- You wanna look at him?

I have a very strong mental image
of what he looks like,

so I really don't need
to actually look at him.

- Oh, what is it?
- A flat, four-foot...

- Mmm-hmm.
- ...but very big, very wide,

but very small man.

Like, a sleeveless t-shirt,

and one of those, like,
you know those things

that miners wear with,
like, the light on?

- Sure. Yeah.
- Yeah. No pants.

- All to a tee.
- [both chuckle]

Good evening.
My name is Ben.

- Hello, Ben.
- [Gus] Hello.

Just so you know,
we have a special tonight,

the steak, dry-aged 30 days,
Wagyu beef,

mint on top, medium rare.
It melts in your mouth.

I had it last night
and it knocked me out.

- Wow, that sounds so good.
- Yeah.

I'll give you guys some time.

Can I start you with some water?
Sparkling? Tap?

- [stuttering] Uh... tap?
- Oh, yeah, sparkling.

Sparkling.

- Yeah, cool.
- Okay. I'll be right back.

- Great. Great.
- Thank you. Thanks, again.

[whirring]

Mmm. Mmm-mmm.

This kid die or what?

[playing harmonica tunelessly]

- [vibrator humming]
- [moaning]

[stutters] Get... Grandpa!
Stop eating yourself out.

Get out of here!

[Grandpa purring]

[sighing]

[man on TV] And now, you're just
a few steps away from having your home

just the way you want it.

Now on to design tip number 15:

maximizing living space by limiting
yourself to just a few large items.

{an8}I like to use the three-day rule.

{an8}Start by removing anything
you don't use in three days.

That will help you get rid
of all unwanted clutter.

You'll find that moving only
one or two items will get the job done.

And that's all there is to it.

Following these steps will give you
the living room of your dreams.

- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.

And can I get you guys started
with some drinks?

Yeah. I'd love to get a glass of red wine,
if there's anything you could recommend.

Yeah, yeah. We have a NorCal Malbec
that I'm quite fond of,

- right there.
- Oh, great.

- And for you, sir?
- Um, yeah, could I just get a sea breeze?

- Sea breeze.
- Yeah.

- I can hook you up.
- Cool.

- [chuckling] Great. Nice guy.
- Very cool. Very cool.

- [shivers] A little cold in here.
- Yeah.

I just noticed there's, like,
an air conditioning vent,

like, right above you.

It's just blasting cold air on you.
Are you okay?

Yeah, no, I'm fine.

- Do you wanna switch seats or...
- No, no, please. I'm fine.

- You want my jacket?
- I'm absolutely fine, but thank you.

Okay. Just let me know.

I mean,
if you get uncomfortable or anything...

[sighs and clicks tongue]

Uh, so you were saying you're a tutor?

I'm sorry, what?
I didn't... Couldn't hear you.

Oh, that's okay.
People say I always mumble. Um...

No, no, no.
I just have terrible hearing.

That's fine. [chuckles]

- Well, we're both crippled.
- [both laugh]

Um, you were saying you're a tutor?

A tutor, yes. Yeah.

Uh, on-set teacher
for the show, um, Witchita.

So the kids on the show,
you're like their school?

Uh, yeah, basically.

What about you?
What do you do?

Oh, I work for this company called
Golden Coast Research and Surveys.

We specialize in focus groups.

Oh. Fun.

And you, like...
you moderate the focus groups or...

Oh, I don't really like
to think of it as moderating.

I think it's more like interacting.

So what I do is
I try to get a dialogue going

and then I just listen.

That's what I love about my job.

It's about listening,
and it's about working together,

and creating a consensus,

and then giving that
information to corporations,

so that they can make
better products for consumers.

That's a cool perspective,
'cause I feel like a lot of times,

the way people talk
about focus groups, is, like...

They rag on 'em,
you know, 'cause it's like,

"Oh, they dumb things down,"
or "They water things down," or...

That came out rude.
I didn't mean it.

No, I understand.
I mean, I disagree, but, um...

I disagree, too. I don't feel that way.
It's just, like, other...

You know what?
I'm gonna have a quick look at the menu

'cause I really wanna decide
what I'm gonna order,

and it's hard for me
to concentrate if we...

- We keep talking. Yeah, no.
- Yeah.

I know. I always think about that,
like, at a restaurant.

I'm always like,

"Hey, when do we just stop talking,
and focus on the... the menu?"

- So, um. Yeah.
- [man] The shower head started to leak.

Bam! The shower head blast off!

- [woman laughing] It did?
- Yeah.

And I'm sorry, but, uh,
a shower head

is the last thing I want coming at me
when I'm naked.

- [both laughing]
- [woman] No doubt!

- [man] Boom! Ahh!
- [man and woman laughing loudly]

All right, here we are.

Red wine for you, sir,
and a sea breeze for the lady.

Oh, thank you,
but actually, it's...

- Yeah.
- What happened? Oh! Oh, man...

Oh, no,
how did I mess that up?

- No, it's okay.
- Oh, I feel terrible.

You know what?
Those drinks are on the house.

- Oh, seriously?
- Yeah.

From me to you, on the house,
just because.

- That's nice. Thank you.
- Wow. That is very generous. Thank you.

- And I think we might be ready to order.
- Sounds great.

Give me just one moment.
I'll be right back.

- Oh.
- Okay.

Nice. Free drinks.

Yeah, it's a bit of a move,
though, on his end.

You know, waiters do that.
They give you free drinks,

so you give 'em a bigger tip
and order more food.

I mean, he doesn't lose anything
by giving us free drinks.

It's all gain for him.

It's cool. I'm just saying
he's not that nice of a guy.

You wanna toast?

- Yeah? Let's toast.
- Sure.

- To what?
- Uh, well,

Frank Sinatra used to say,

"May you all live
to be 100 years old.

And me, 100 years old minus one day
so I don't have to see you die."

Huh. Did he really say that?

I think so.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

You know what?
I don't care what Yelp says.

I'm liking this place.

Yeah, me, too.
It's not so bad.

Mickey said you can't trust that anyway.

Like, usually it's just, like,
one angry guy who has,

like, a bunch of different accounts,
who writes a bunch of bad reviews.

[chuckles] She did that
to a Thai place once.

She told me she did it
with the dry cleaners.

Oh, she did both.
Mickey's a badass. I love her.

Aw. Such a badass.
Yeah, she's awesome.

She keeps me cool.

- Yeah.
- Both of us.

I think maybe that's why she set us up.

Oh, yeah.
Like... like, what do you mean?

Oh, you know, just, like,
she's a lot cooler than me

and you're, like,
a really nice guy, but...

- Right.
- Uh, never mind.

- I don't think I said that right.
- Oh.

Yeah, like, Mickey just hangs out
with the cool kids.

Like, I'm not a cool kid.

Oh, I wouldn't put it that way.

[laughing] What? I mean, come on.

Yeah. Yeah.

No, it's cool. I just...
I didn't know she was such a puppeteer.

- I don't think that's what's... No.
- Okay.

Okay. No, it's cool.

I didn't...

It's fine. Um...

- Ugh.
- You're still cold?

I've adjusted to it.
I like it.

Don't suffer
just so other people are comfortable.

I used to be that person.
You know, I used to be

somebody who was, like,
afraid to ask for things because

- out of fear or whatever. Just tell me.
- [woman laughing loudly]

If you're uncomfortable,
just say you're uncomfortable.

- It's fine.
- Sue me, I don't like shrimp!

[woman cackles] I love shrimp!

Are you kidding? They're horrible!
They're all veiny. They look like insects!

Hey, let me ask you this.
Hey, buddy, let me ask you this.

Uh, between a horse and... [stutters]

and a ferret and, um, a shrimp,

which one looks more like an insect?

Hey, glasses! Come on.
Shrimp, thumbs up, thumbs down?

- Which?
- I don't know.

- Thumbs up?
- [imitates buzzer] Wrong!

Why don't we just switch tables?

'Cause they're being loud,
and I can tell they're annoying you,

- and you're cold...
- Oh, really...

...and I think it'd just be better
if we... Just let me ask.

- Okay.
- Let's just see if it's possible, okay?

Sure.

Excuse me?
Hi, um, could I...

[chuckling] Okay. So...

Excuse me?

Who am I, fucking Invisible Man?
[chuckles]

Oh, no.

Nothing more emasculating than,
like, not being noticed.

I might as well just take this knife,
you know,

just come in here and cut my dick off.

- Oh, God.
- Um... excuse me.

Our waiter's not seeing me.
I'm just gonna talk to him.

- I really don't need to...
- No, no, no. It's cool.

- It's gonna be fine. It's good, it's good.
- Okay.

Uh, excuse me?

I'm sorry.

Excuse me?

Excuse me?

- Can we switch tables?
- [Ben] What's the problem?

[speaking indistinctly]

I am so sorry about the air conditioner.

Let's get you somewhere else
before you freeze, huh?

- Uh, sure. Thanks.
- Okay.

Cool. Yeah, she's just
not having a good time, so...

No problem.
No, it happens all the time.

- And I guess...
- No, you don't have to bring...

- You sure?
- You can bring it if you want.

Someone else will get that.
That's okay.

- Okay. I'll put that there.
- All right.

- And, uh, the drinks, too, or should...
- Nope.

- Oh. Okay, cool.
- Yeah.

[grunts] Ow! Fuck!

[pants]

[Dianne on voicemail] Hey, it's Dianne.
Leave a message.

Hey, Dianne.
It's Mickey from AA.

I'm picking up the phone
instead of picking up a drink.

Currently arranging my books by color,
so looking for something to do.

If you could give me a call,
I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

So that'll be two steaks.
One medium-well, one rare.

And I'll get those appetizers
out to you right away.

- Thank you.
- Aw, great. Thank you.

And thank you so much for letting us
switch tables. Appreciate it.

Of course.

[inhales]

I hope I wasn't too much
of a dick to that guy.

Did I seem like a dick,
with the switching tables and everything?

I'm just having a hard time
getting a read on him, right?

Yeah? Don't you think?

He seems fine.

I just don't want him to be, like,
pissed off at me and then, like,

get revenge on me
with the food, or whatever.

How? By poisoning you?

No, just, like, by...
I don't know, messing with my food.

You know, like, not washing
his hands and touching it.

Or, like, rubbing a booger on my steak,
or putting a booger in my drink.

Oh, I can't hear that.
I'll be sick.

I'm sorry.
That's not me.

I'm not like the gross guy.

I was just trying to make you laugh or...
[inhales]

Is this weird?
Should we have moved?

I feel like we fucked up,
and we shouldn't have moved.

'Cause now we're next to the,
like, this hostess stand here

and that waiter station where people
keep coming by and being noisy.

Smells like bleach, right?
Do you smell bleach?

Maybe we should ask
if we can get our old table back.

Okay, yeah, let's do that.

I'm kidding.

Oh.

Okay. Funny.

'Cause, yeah, that would be crazy
if we switched twice. Yeah.

[sighs]

[sniffs deeply]

[sighing] Oh, God.

All right, time for those steaks.

- Thank you.
- Ooh. Thank you.

- Bon appétit!
- Thanks.

Thanks.

[smooth jazz playing]

- Looks good, huh?
- Mmm.

- It's a little bloody, isn't it?
- Nope.

- Eating, like, tiny mouse bites.
- No, it's good.

If a mouse ate that, he'd say,
"Can I have more?"

This is just how I eat.

'Cause if you don't like it,
you don't have to eat it.

That is, like, really bloody.

The less you talk about the blood, it's...
That's better for me.

I'm just gonna have them take it back.

- No, no, no. No!
- It's really... It's okay.

- Hey! Come on.
- Hey, whoa! Jesus. Okay.

Don't eat it fast
just so I don't return it.

I'm sorry, please excuse me.
I have to use the restroom.

Okay. Hey. Wait, wait, wait.
Are you choking?

- I'm not choking.
- Okay.

Well... you...

I really don't need you
to take me to the bathroom.

- Okay.
- 'Kay.

[sighs heavily]

Oh, excuse me. Sorry.

[cell phone vibrates]

Fuck.

And how is everything here?
Are you finished?

[stutters] Uh... no.

[stuttering] I'm not...
I mean, her steak is a little bloody.

So maybe we can take it back,
make it well done.

[smacks lips and sighs]

[stutters] You want me
to take it off the bill?

- [mumbling] No. You don't have to do that.
- No? Oh.

- Problem with yours, though?
- No.

No, I'm just a slow eater.

Mmm-hmm.

Hey, um... I think...

I think she sent me a text
that she meant to send to her friend.

[sighs] Is it bad?

Yeah, it's pretty bad.

[sighs] I'll tell you what, bro.
I'm gonna take care of this steak for you.

You know what?

- Leave her steak.
- Okay.

It's... it's perfect. It's...

it's the perfect level of bloodiness.

Okay.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Did I miss anything?

Nope. Don't think so.

[Gus clears throat]

- It's good.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Can I have a sip?
- Of my wine?

Yeah. Can I have a little sip?

Uh, sure. [chuckles]

Mmm... Mmm.

- [smacks lips] That's good.
- Yeah, it is.

- Can I have another sip?
- Yep, go... Yeah.

[gulps]

Ugh...

You ever get that thing
where you don't wipe very well

and your asshole's all itchy?

[inhales sharply]

I don't know that I have had that.

I know that's not the most appropriate
table talk, it's just...

- Yeah, it's a little gross.
- It's what's on my mind,

so I'm just kind of, like,
dealin' with it right now.

If I, like, kind of move it
across the seat,

I get the scratch.

I'm just trying to get that
butthole scratch, you know?

Fuck. I forgot to text my buddy.

It's his birthday today.
Do you mind?

Oh, no, that's fine.

Text this motherfucker.
That fuck.

{an8}[clicks]

{an8}[Gus] That son of a bitch.

{an8}He's a maniac.
He's a madman.

{an8}We used to hang out a lot in college.

{an8}Happy birthday.

{an8}You son of a bitch.

- [pop music playing on speakers]
- [cell phone chimes]

Oh, my God.
Poor Bertie.

[phone clicks]

Yeah, I mean, if Boston didn't just have,
like, the coldest winter ever last year,

then maybe I'd agree with you

that there's such a thing as,
uh, "global warming."

There is scientific research

that says that climate change
is definitely happening.

Climate change?

Climate change is like Valentine's Day.

It's just some fake thing
a corporation made up, you know,

in order to make money.

It's like Santa Claus.
You know who invented Santa Claus, right?

Coca-Cola Company.

- And are we all finished here?
- [cell phone chimes]

Uh, you know what?
No, I'm still picking on it.

{an8}It's just so good.
I, like, wanna savor every ounce of it.

{an8}It's, like, the best steak I've ever had.

[Ben chuckles] Okay.

Miss?

Oh, I'm done.

Thank you.
That was fantastic.

All I'm saying is,

if global warming's real,
then I'll sign a petition to end it.

But until then, I'm just gonna assume it's
another myth the government's telling us.

- Like 9/11.
- Hmm? What?

Yeah. No. Totally.
Yeah, like 9/11.

- You're... you're a truther, too?
- Oh, yeah.

I mean, any intelligent person can see
the government was in on it.

Why? Oil.

- It was all about oil.
- Mmm.

The government helped the terrorists.

If you can even consider
what they did terrorism.

- Yeah.
- I mean, what is terrorism?

It's just some people
who believe in something,

and they're willing to fight for it.

I mean, terrorism is just, like,
when you can't afford a battleship.

Yeah! And you know
how everyone's always like,

"Oh, I don't support the war,
but I support the troops?"

Fuck that.
I don't support the troops.

- Wow. Okay.
- Do you not agree?

- [stutters] No, I agree. Totally. Totally.
- Yeah.

I hate soldiers.

But you know what I do like
about soldiers? The guns.

[mumbles]

- [cell phone chimes]
- Oh.

When I'm on Tinder, I'm like,
"Black, nope. Hispanic, nope.

- Asian, nope."
- Ow!

- What's wrong?
- I think my dick fell asleep. [groans]

I don't know if I, like, sat on it weird,
or, like, pinched an artery,

but, like... [inhales sharply]
my big dick fell asleep.

Oh, no. It fell asleep?
Ouch.

Yeah. Hey, you know what?

I was thinking, maybe after
we get out of here... [belches]

...we go hit up a strip club.

Great. That sounds like so much fun.

Maybe we can wake up
that numb dick of yours.

Perfect.
Hey, let's get out of here.

- Let's do it.
- Okay.

Hmm.

[choking]

Oh, you're choking?

Oh, no!
I guess we can't go to the strip club.

That is too bad.

All right, let's wrap this up.

Mickey was texting both of us.
We all know.

Look, I know you got my text, okay?

What do you want me to say?
It was embarrassing,

for you and for me.

I'm really sorry. It was terrible,
but I didn't know what to say.

[sighs] It was all
just a little bit much,

with the moving from the tables,
here and there.

Stop it.
I said I'm sorry, okay?

Oh, my God, are you really choking?
Is this real?

Oh, my God.
He's choking! Fuck!

I got you! I got you, buddy.
Here we go.

- There it is.
- [grunts]

Okay, there we go, buddy.
Come on! Come on!

It's not working.

It's not working?
Why is it not working?

- There it is.
- [gasps]

[coughs]

- [retches]
- [patrons gasp]

[patrons groaning]

[sighs]

I'm okay. [sniffs]

I'm sorry, my bad.
I'll clean it up.

[shoe squeaks]

It's okay.

[Bertie] Seriously, sorry again.

Well, it's okay.
I started it.

- Did you text Mickey yet?
- No. You?

Don't tell her what happened.
She'll enjoy it too much.

[softly] Okay.

- Mickey?
- Hey, Syd! How are ya?

I just put my kid to bed.

- Uh, you want a cigarette?
- Please, God, yes.

[chuckles]

Oh, my God. If I have to read my kid
The Giving Tree one more time,

I'm gonna blow my brains out.

God, I can't even imagine.

I don't even know why he likes it.
It's not fun. It's depressing.

It's like the tree is
some kind of codependent,

who loves being a martyr.

It's like, "Tree, we know
you went to Catholic school.

- Just get in therapy."
- [laughs]

[inhales deeply]

I was about to pour myself
a glass of wine. You want one?

Yeah. No.

No. Uh...

Today is my first day sober, again.

Really? Wow.

Yeah.

I was sober for about
18 months there,

but I was kind of lying towards the end.

Mostly lying to AA people.

I was in AA for a while.

- You were?
- Yeah, for three years.

It wasn't really for me, though.

I mean, it got me through a rough patch,
but I'm better now, so...

Yeah, well...

[sighs] Today was a rough day.

You know how they say,
"When you feel like picking up a drink,

pick up a phone instead"?
Well...

that didn't really work for me, either.

Yeah, I remember folks saying that.

I don't know, I was always like,
"If I feel like picking up a drink,

I'm gonna pick up a drink."

- Or a guy.
- [laughing] Yeah.

I did a lot of that before I met Jeff.

God, he would kill me
if he caught me smoking this.

He made me promise him I'd quit.

[clicks tongue] That is so sweet.

- Or annoying.
- No, that's nice.

That's like,
he wants you around.

I've never had a guy care enough
about me to want me to quit smoking.

I had a guy try and get me
to do heroin once.

- Does that count?
- [chuckles]

I once dated a guy who used to
make me clean out his litter box

before we could have sex.

Wait. He shit in a litter box?

- No, the cat. He had a cat.
- Oh.

I didn't meet Jeff until I decided
I deserved someone who was nice to me.

Thanks for the ciggy.

I'm sorry I wasn't more supportive.

I was basically like,
"AA doesn't work." [chuckles]

- But that was just for me, so...
- Yeah.

- Hang in there.
- You, too.

If my kid's still awake when
I go up there, I'm coming back down.

- Mmm, so good.
- Mmm, the best. It's so good.

And it feels so good on my throat, too.

Oh, my God. That was so crazy,
when you were choking.

I was, like,
"Wow, he's really choking."

So ridiculous.

That happens to me,
like, all the time.

Really? You'd be terrible at blowjobs.

- You think?
- Yeah. A very big health hazard for you.

Well, I'll make sure never to suck a dick.

It's a good idea.

Hey, don't tell Mickey
that I puked, by the way.

You can tell her.

So why do you think she, like,
pawned us off on each other, huh?

You think she thinks, like,
we're real freaks?

I think she just thinks
we're both nice people.

Well, maybe I'm not nice,
you know?

Like, sometimes, like,
if a waiter's, like, really bad,

I'll just, like,
tip them, like, 30%...

[chuckles]

...so they go, like,
"I didn't deserve this."

You're a scumbag.

- Piece of shit. That's what I am.
- Yeah.

- You're a... you're a terrible guy.
- Mmm-hmm.

Well, I just think we're two nice people

who gave it our best shot
and that's the best we can do.

Anyway, I'm into chubby guys.

I just gotta use the bathroom,
and I'll get out of your hair.

- Oh, sure. It's just down the hall.
- Okay. Thank you. Sorry.

Oh.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hi. I rearranged the furniture,
obviously, but I can put it back.

No. It's cool. I like it.

So how was the date?

You guys stopped texting me.
I felt so left out.

I'm... I'm sorry,
though, if I butted in.

- Did I take it too far?
- No, no.

It's all good. We're cool.
Me and Gus just want to be friends.

Cool. [chuckles]

Uh, is he here?

Yeah, he's just in the bathroom,
then he's gonna go.

Cool.

So, what was the restaurant like?

Were the Yelp reviews right?
Did the calamari taste frozen?

Oh, I had steak, so I couldn't say.

[Gus] Hey.

- Room's different.
- Mickey rearranged.

Ah.

Oh, my God.
I have that, like, same rug.

Except mine's in blue, not orange.

I wanted orange, but...

It's Mickey's rug.

Ah.

Got the same rug. Cool.

Okay, well, thank you
for the good time tonight.

- Yes. It was fun.
- That was really fun.

- Yeah, take care.
- All right. You, too.

Hey, dude, those text messages
were so funny.

- Oh, you like that?
- I was laughing all night.

Oh. Good, good, good.
You know...

[smacks lips] I tried.

- Are you pissed at me?
- Okay...

Mickey, you know I like you.

I don't have a lot of dignity...

but I have enough dignity to say, like,

hey, I don't like being
pawned off on another girl.

I'm not just, like,
some nice guy

who's always gonna be around
for you to, like, fuck with.

What do you want me to say? [stutters]

I don't know.

I'm not dumb.
I know what this is.

I get it.

You're not interested.
It's cool.

We can just say it's cool.

Pleasure to meet ya.

Okay.

[car beeping]

- Stop!
- [brakes screech]

Hey! Hello, that was,
like, super dangerous!

Fun first date, huh?

What the fuck was that?

[acoustic music playing]