Love (2016–2018): Season 1, Episode 3 - Tested - full transcript

Gus faces an ethically challenging situation at work, while Mickey navigates a dicey new dynamic with her boss.

[alarm ringing]

[groans]

[alarm stops ringing]

[groans]

[alarm ringing]

[toothbrush whirring]

[whirring stops]

Five more seconds.

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

Oh, this is such a good video.

Are you thinking about doing it?
We could do it together.



Mmm...

No. It looks too tiring.

It is. It is very tiring when you...
when you do it.

[man] Up, round, hey!

I will masturbate to this, though.

For sure.

- [woman moaning on laptop]
- [breathing heavily]

[chiming]

[Gus on car speakers]
You know, when I was a kid,

I learned about sex
during the AIDS crisis, you know?

So sex seemed,
like, really scary.

And then when I was a teenager, you know,
like, the president

- got in trouble for, like, a blowjob...
- Jesus, dude, get a fucking grip.

...shameful thing.



And then by the time I got to college,
there was Internet porn,

so sex didn't even seem necessary.

[therapist] What do you mean when
you say Natalie liked you the most?

[Gus] I think it comes down
to, like, five categories.

Morning, Clay.

- [horns honking]
- [Mickey] Okay. Jesus!

- [brakes screeching]
- [car crashes]

Fuck!

What the fuck were you doing?

Sorry. I was texting.

Texting?
You're not supposed to be texting!

I know. I'm sorry.
I was stopped, and then that asshole,

he honked and I panicked,
and I just...

I don't have time for this shit.
You could've killed someone.

Shit! Fuck! I know.

I'm gonna stop doing it.
I'm sorry. I'm really...

You know what?
Let's take a look at the damage.

- Yeah, let's go.
- Okay.

[driver] What the fuck?

Uh, I don't think there's any damage.
We're good!

- Have a good day, thank you.
- Hey! What the fuck?

[theme music playing]

[Gus laughing] Yeah...

[laughing] Oh, yeah.

[Arya] Funny, right?
[Gus] Yeah, it's hilarious.

- [Gus chuckles] Ow. Ouch.
- [man in video] Uh, are you okay?

Well, should we get to class?
Should we start it up?

One more, one more.
Look at this dog. Oh, my God.

[Gus] Oh, yeah,
that's real funny.

Okay. All right, well,
should we start class?

One more?

Oh, okay. We'll do one more,
and then... then class, okay?

[man in video] What, what?

[Gus] Uh, that's a goat.
[goat] What, what? What?

[Arya laughing]

- What?
- [man in video] What?

Okay, one more, one more.

Oh, uh, Arya, there's, like,
40 of these, okay?

So we should probably...
[inhales sharply] get to studying.

Let's do it.
Let's get you ready for, uh...

let's get you ready for these ERBs.

What's that?

Arya, come on, we've talked about this
for, like, two weeks.

The ERBs...
state exam you have to pass today.

Just give me a minute.
I've been working all morning, I'm tired.

Totally get that.
That's awesome.

It's just, um... [inhales sharply]

I think they're gonna call you to set
in, like, 45 minutes.

Can you take a picture for my Instagram?

Um...

Okay.

We'll do that real quick.

We'll take a photo,
and we'll jump into class.

Okay. Here we go.

Let's see, here.

[sighs] Take two. One for my private
and one for my public.

Oh, you have two?

- Mmm-hmm.
- Baller.

Big time.

Do you even know what that means?

Baller? No. I have no clue.

- [camera shutter clicks]
- Okay. Okay, one, here we go. That's one.

And, um...

Wait, do you wanna get the hair
out of your face?

- Why? It's on purpose.
- It is?

Yes, my hair looks better
than my face today.

Okay. So you...
All right. Sure.

- Okay.
- [camera shutter clicks]

That was a great picture
of your head covered in hair.

Beautiful. All right.

Oh! Have you seen my dance
for my dance class?

Real quick. Sit down.

Okay.

All right, Arya,
just make it fast.

- Okay, ready?
- Mmm-hmm.

[Arya breathing deeply]

[dance music playing]

All right, Arya.

Hey, Arya, how long is this?

Can you please not interrupt me?

Now I have to start over again.

- From the top?
- Yes.

You can't just start from where you were?

Your job isn't that hard.
Just watch me do the dance.

- Okay.
- It's not that hard.

Okay.

[cell phone chimes]

[sighs]

No, I don't want the witches
to turn invisible.

Who the fuck decided
they had that power?

You can't just make up new powers
without checking with me.

- Yeah, I didn't... I was not into that.
- [knocking on door]

Uh, yeah. Can I just say, though,
that what I like about invisibility

is that, it just...
it seems like a strong metaphor

because women in the 1950s
are themselves invisible in a way.

[Susan] Wyatt, I know, I know.
I get it, I get it.

Okay? But we can't just go
and pull out new powers,

[stutters] or else the witches
are gonna be going to the moon

or time-traveling or some shit.

It seems to me that if they can already
make other objects disappear...

I'm sorry,
are you still arguing for invisibility?

I always hated that.

This isn't the fucking Fantastic Four,
Wyatt, okay?

Accept the "no."

Now, what's a power
that witches would have?

Uh, maybe they could, like,
call upon the dead for help?

- Dude, what? What's happening?
- [stutters]

Like, zombies? Dead...
Is that what we're going for now?

[stuttering] No, not like zombies.

Like talking to spirits, like,
in a séance-y sort of...

What's happening?
Is he pitching ideas...

I don't know. I don't know what I'm...
She was looking at me and I thought...

[stuttering]

Do you have any other ideas?

Okay, we'll take a ten-minute break.

That doesn't mean 20 minutes.

[Wyatt softly] All right.

[Ali sighs]

So, Gus...

Arya has a test today?

Yeah, uh, the ERBs.
State exam.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Mmm-hmm.

And, uh, Len tells me
that if she fails again,

that she won't be able to work
on the show for a month.

Uh, 30 working days.

So it's actually a little bit
more than a month...

Right, right. No.
See, that just can't happen.

The next six episodes
are built around Arya.

I mean, her character gets her period
for the first time,

and so, you know, her witch powers
start to show themselves.

That's cool.
That's a... cool idea.

But if we lose Arya,
then our production schedule gets fucked.

And you don't think you'd be able to,
like, shoot around her...

Or...

you could do your job...

and make sure she passes a simple test.

No, you're right... I'm sorry.

- I shouldn't have said that. Uh-huh.
- No, no, no. Don't apologize.

I... I only care
if she passes or not.

- So...
- Mmm-hmm.

I need you to promise me
that Arya will pass this test.

Well, I'd love to promise you that,
but, um, you know,

she still has to take the test.

- Mmm-hmm.
- And it's just...

it's really hard for me
to get her to focus,

and I think it's because...

maybe because she has, like,
early call times and...

You're talking to me
like I actually give a fuck, okay?

I'm not gonna solve this problem for you.
She's a child. She goes to school.

I'm not the teacher here, okay?
Don't pull me in.

- Okay.
- I like you.

- Hey, I like you, too.
- But if she doesn't pass this test,

I'm gonna have to fucking fire you.

Arya will pass this test,
I promise.

- Fantastic.
- Okay. Cool.

You know, actually,
I was thinking about that whole...

- call-upon-the-dead thing for next season.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Oh, you were?
- Yeah. Yeah, I was.

- Oh, well, that's cool.
- Mmm-hmm.

Well, hey, if you ever want me to come in
and we spitball ideas or anything,

I'd be happy to, you know.

Well, maybe we'll do that sometime.

- Okay. Cool. Yeah.
- All right.

Could you, uh, close that door
on your way out?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

[man] So I was like,
"Why do you need a lock on your phone

if you got nothing to hide?"

Ryan, do you trust your wife?

[Ryan] Yeah.

She needs her digital privacy, Ryan.
We all do.

I wouldn't want you to know
what I was looking at online.

That doesn't make me a cheater.
It just makes me a human.

So, in the meantime,
keep your hands off your wife's phone.

Okay, Ryan?

Let's take a break.

When we come back,
we'll be talking to Lisa,

who thinks two beds
might be better than one.

Be right back, on Heart Work.

Your next caller is 45.
She's from Colorado. She's got two kids.

- [grunts]
- Can I get you anything?

- No, I'm good, thanks. Have a seat.
- Oh, okay.

[groans]

So, how you doing, Mickey?

- Good, yeah.
- Yeah?

Thanks for subbing in for Rob today.

You know me,
I'm a real jack of all trades.

[chuckles] Oh, I know you.

Your new assistant starts tomorrow,

- so you're set.
- Yes.

Yeah. You've been giving me
a lot of great calls today, but...

- you know who I wish I got a call from?
- Hmm?

- Mickey.
- [chuckles]

'Cause I would listen
and I would give her some help.

[chuckles uneasily] Thanks, but...

- Come on. What's got you down?
- Oh...

Is it something in the office?

Are you mad at me
because I had you fire Rob?

No! No.

All right, well...

how'd he take it?

Not good. Not good.

- He was pretty upset.
- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.
You know, I figured.

I got a bunch of drunk emails
at around 5:00 a.m.

- [chuckles]
- He sent me a link to an ISIS video.

Rob is a very hostile person.
I'm sorry if he ruined your weekend.

No, he didn't ruin my weekend.

It was just bullshit Eric drama,
but [clicks tongue] that's over.

- Oh, Eric. That rollercoaster, hmm?
- No, it's good, though.

We're finally done.
I feel so much better about it.

Best thing you can do right now?

Don't try to feel better.

Just feel. Feel it all.

Today and tomorrow,
just pass through it.

Because maybe...

something positive has happened.

Maybe you needed to...

clean out some emotional space
for something good.

Something new.

- You're back on.
- Yeah.

So I'm banging this chick, man,
and all of a sudden,

the pictures start falling off the wall.

I think I'm killing it.
It's an earthquake.

Does this have dairy?

No, you know I got you covered
on that dairy and gluten.

I got that out of here for you.

Well, last time, it had yogurt.

Yeah, that was last time.
This is today. I covered it.

[scoffs]

I do not envy you, man.
That chick is a brat.

Oh, no. She's not that bad.

What are you talking about?
She's a prima donna

and she drinks these green drinks.

Who drinks these green drinks
when they're 12?

- [inhales sharply] Yeah.
- Where's the Capri Sun at?

I know. I'm in my 30s
and I don't even drink those.

- I'd kill for a Capri Sun right now.
- Me, too.

- You got one?
- No!

Oh, man, you gotta stock up.
Get some Capri Suns in here.

- Maybe, maybe. Maybe, man.
- Yeah.

Hey, you know, I think...

I think I can get her to pass this test.
Seriously.

I mean, I just hope,
like, I can do it

so Susan doesn't think
I'm, like, a fuck-up,

'cause then she'll never,
like, read my spec ever.

Oh, word.
What's a... what's a spec?

It's like, when you write an episode
of a TV show,

even though nobody asked you to,

just to have a sample of, like,
how good or bad of a writer you are.

Oh, you know what?
That... that might actually work.

My aunt actually hates all the writers.

All she does is talk about how
they do nothing but just fuck her up.

Yeah, your aunt's a pretty big ballbuster,
I'm gonna admit. Yeah.

I know.
That's why I never talk to her.

She hooked me up with this gig
and I just stay out of her way.

That's good.
It's a smart move.

- What's wrong with your phone, man?
- What?

You've been checking it all day, man.

Oh, yeah, I'm just checking my texts
'cause I, like...

met this girl and we've been having,
you know...

- We had a good time, like, hanging out.
- Oh. Oh, yeah?

Can I show you a picture?
Is that weird?

- Oh, yeah, man.
- Is that creepy?

Oh, yeah,
let me see what you're working with.

- Her name's Mickey. Yeah.
- Oh, hell yeah, dude!

Oh, yeah, she's fine, man.
It's blurry, but she's clearly fine.

- She's good, man.
- She's like Dax Shepard's wife.

- You know, like, that Frozen chick.
- Yeah.

Right, what's her name?
Ildrus? Susan?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hot.
- I don't know.

[exhales deeply] Yeah, it's just,
like, I... I don't know.

'Cause it's like...
I think I, like, overplayed my hand.

Dude, freaking out only makes it worse.
She'll text, man.

- What'd you text her?
- I texted her, like, "Sup?"

- "Sup"? Just "Sup"?
- "Sup," question mark.

- "Sup?" is perfect, man.
- Yeah?

I've gotten laid
texting "sup" plenty of times.

- Okay.
- She'll text, man. Don't worry about it.

'Cause I go the other way before...

You know, I'll end up, like,
texting so much,

I end up sending, like, a fucking book
to somebody, you know?

And that's never good. That's...

Nothing dries up a vagina
more than a paragraph, man.

"Who's having great sex? Not you?

Let's figure out why,
Friday on Dr. Greg."

Great. Number four.

"Plaid, polka dots, infidelity,
co-dependency, you guessed it.

We're talking about patterns,
tomorrow on Heart Work with Dr. Greg."

Come on, that's... that's ridiculous.
Who wrote that?

- I wrote that one.
- Oh.

[sighs] It's good.

Number five, last one.

"Pouring out a little too much beer
for your dead homies?

How to cope with the loss of a friend
without losing your sobriety.

Next Wednesday
on Heart Work with Dr. Greg."

Dope. All right, I'll put some music
under those and we're good to go.

All right. Great.
[exhales]

We have fun together, don't we?

Mmm-hmm.

It is good that
we can talk about work or Eric,

or breakups, or whatever.

My last relationship was so brutal.
It was very toxic.

I'm someone who likes to let people
be who they are, right?

Uh-huh.

She wanted me to define her.
She wanted me to be her daddy.

I would come home from work
at the end of the day

and she would say I abandoned her.

Maybe I'm too giving.

Hmm. Sounds like you guys
weren't a good fit.

We were sexually incompatible.
I like sex and she didn't.

[snickers]

What about you and Eric?
What went wrong?

Uh, I just think he loved cocaine
more than he loved me.

[laughing]

That is really funny.

[chuckles]

Wow. Life is so crazy, right?

Yeah. [chuckles]

You're not dating anyone,
I'm not dating anyone.

And then I'm like, "Wow, I could never
date a co-worker. What a bad idea."

- [nervous chuckle] Yeah, what a bad idea.
- [laughs]

And then I think,
maybe one day, if...

we were each working
at different stations,

maybe, you know,
we could make that happen.

I'm sorry, I don't really follow.

I mean, is this job
worth not giving it a try?

[Mickey sighs]

I don't know,
maybe we should both quit.

[chuckles] I'm joking.

- One of us quit? I'm kidding.
- [chuckles nervously]

I'm so flattered.

I'm gonna go check on those promos.

Maybe I should just quit?

Come on, that's crazy talk, man.
Jesus.

I know, but he's gonna fire me either way.

Fucking Dr. Greg
is not gonna fire you, okay?

Yes, he is. If he flirts with me
and I don't flirt back,

in, like, eight weeks,
I'm gonna spill a coffee in a meeting

and he's gonna fire me.
It's happened before.

Shit. There's not a crazier motherfucker
than a therapist, man.

- They're demented.
- I know.

So what, he asked you out?

No.

What, then, like...
he wants you to blow him?

- No, it's worse. He likes me.
- Oh, no, no, no.

- Yeah. He likes me, I don't like him.
- I'm sorry.

He's gonna find a reason to fire me,
and then I'm gonna be gone.

He did it to Melanie
and he did it to Jane.

I saw Jane a month ago.
She's working at Chipotle now.

She looks ten years older.

Shit.

I heard Melanie moved to,
like, Arizona.

I saw a photo with her on Facebook,
watering cactus. It was sad.

I can't do it. Fuck.

I have so much credit card debt,
I can't even quit if I want to.

You can't lose this job.
It's a sweet gig, all right?

The hours are great.
It's fucking easy, man.

All we do is sit around most of the time.

They don't even notice
we take long cigarette breaks.

People here are lax
with people like us, you know?

[whispers] Shit.

Stay here, man.
You're family.

It's too slimy. No offense.

That's great.
Very good.

And what other words would you use
to describe the taste of the meat?

The ham.

Rubbery. Filmy. Watery.

- Cool. Great...
- Thin. Gross. Didn't want it.

Yeah, and it has, like...

weird little veins in it,
like, little pig veins.

You know how they make this stuff?
The animals are bred for death.

These animals don't have any thoughts.
Okay? They eat and they shit.

God gave them to us to kill and eat.

I understand, but if you were
looking for a new lunch snack,

is this one you would consider using?

Does it have an oaky, barbecue-y taste?

I only eat things I can grow myself.

Why are you in this tasting?

They told me
I was gonna get to see a free movie.

Some Reese Witherspoon
and The Muppets movie.

I don't know what to tell you, sir.

I think you called back the wrong number.

You know, if you wanna see a free movie,
all you have to do is call the theater

and tell them
that the projector was all fucked up.

I don't know about that, ma'am.

I'm just trying to find out
what you thought of the taste.

Maybe what your children
would think of the taste.

If they were gonna improve the flavor,
what aspect of it would they improve?

I like spicy things.
Really spicy things.

Like, so spicy most people can't eat it,
but I can eat it.

And I think that's kind of, like...
the future of snacks.

- [cell phone vibrating]
- Okay, um...

and I just need two minutes
and I'll be right back.

It takes so long to eat.
This is like gum.

- A ham-flavored gum.
- You're eating death.

Mickey, is everything all right?

Yeah, totally.
Uh, I just need to vent.

- Is now a bad time?
- Not at all.

I'm flattered you called.
What's up?

How much money do you have?

If I was unemployed for, like, six months,
could you afford our rent?

Oh.

Uh, I was actually going to ask you
for a little more time this month.

My grandma hurt her hip
and she has dementia,

and I've been sending her money,
but she keeps losing the money.

And she's been yelling at the nurses
and accusing them of stealing it.

Oh, okay. Yeah, no, it's fine.

Um... I'm not gonna lose this job.
I'll make it work.

That's the spirit.
You'll make it work.

- Just like I do...
- All right.

- ...even when I'm...
- [line disconnects]

- But Mother, killing is wrong.
- Not always.

If there's a positive force
in the universe,

then there has to be a negative force.

It's how the universe stays balanced.

And who's to say which is positive
and which is negative?

What is it like to kill, Mother?

There's a sense of cleansing,
of making things right.

- I could never hurt anyone.
- What if you were helping them?

Some people need to be freed
from this realm.

I understand now.

I understand my obligation...

to kill.

[man] And cutting.
Let's cut, people.

[all laughing]

Wow, Arya.

You were really good in that scene.
Bravo.

Thanks. When the writing is good,
I can do a good job.

But lately, the writing has been horrible.

Oh, yeah?
I mean, well, you really got something.

It's like, some actors, you know,
they can work really hard,

but they don't got the magic.
But you got the magic.

Seriously, I'm impressed.

Well, I know that,
but what I really wanna do is movies.

Like Simone, she was in a movie with
Beyoncé and she got to play a prostitute.

- Her and Beyoncé were co-prostitutes?
- Yeah.

Dream job. Right? Totally.

[sighs] Well, hey,
now that we're feeling good,

why don't we jump into class,

- ride this enthusiasm...
- [gasps]

Come on, let's go in this golf cart.

No, nope, nope, nope, nope.

Come on, we, uh...

we only got, like, one last
cram sesh to do before these ERBs,

- so...
- One ride. That's it.

If I give you a ride, you gotta promise
me, like, 20 good minutes, okay?

Mmm-hmm.

- All right, okay...
- But I'm driving.

No, I'll drive. Okay?
You could kill us both.

You know how bad that would look?
For me?

[chuckles]

Come on, faster!

What? Arya, this is, like,
the fastest it goes.

Just go a little bit faster
and we'll do 30 minutes. I promise.

Okay. Hold on.

[dance music playing]

[Gus] So, uh... time to study?

[Arya] Come on, five more minutes.
This is where it gets good.

[Gus panting] Okay.
Five more minutes.

[cell phone chimes]

Fuck. Come on.

[Arya] Come on.

It's so nice that you asked me for lunch,
you know.

We never have lunch together.

I know. I'm usually so busy.

And you always seem so tired.

I do?

Not in a bad way.
Just, you know...

when you get like that, I just ask myself,
"What about life is tiring her out?"

I don't know. I just...

I have a hard time
dealing with shit sometimes.

I know, but...

you can't see life as the enemy.

Life is what you make of it...
right?

Seems like you made the right choice.

Sometimes I wonder, you know?

[inhales sharply]

Sometimes I wonder if I could've been
the next Karl Malone.

I played power forward,
so... [chuckles]

One of many reasons
I wish I was black.

[laughs]

Not really.
I mean, not that I wouldn't wanna be.

You know what I...

[stutters] Just...
I'm comfortable with who I am.

What was that for?

Just always wanted to see
what that'd be like.

How was it?

Need a larger sampling.

Take as much as you want.

This is so stupid. I'm tired.

Arya, seriously...

Like, I don't wanna freak you out
or anything, but it's like...

if you wanna keep working on the show,
you have to, like, pass this test.

All right? That's...
Them's the rules, okay?

[sighs] Whatever.

Don't "whatever" me, okay?

This is, like, an important life lesson.

It's like, in the real world,
you gotta...

finish tasks,
you have to complete work, you know?

'Cause if you don't have,
like, proper work habits,

when things don't get so easy,
you know,

things are gonna be kinda tough,
if you don't have an education.

Why wouldn't things be easy?

Think of most child actors, you know?

They're not actors when they get older,

'cause when they get older,
they start looking weird,

and they get, like,
big ears and they're like,

"Oh, I'm not as cute
as I used to be anymore," you know?

So I'm gonna get big ears and be ugly
and not be able to get jobs?

No...
I wasn't saying that...

Are people not gonna like me
when I'm not little?

No, I'm just telling you that, like...

For a lot of child actors,
when they don't have work,

and they don't have
something to fall back on,

they just get addicted to drugs, you know?
Or they become homeless.

So I'm gonna get ugly and be homeless?

I'm not... saying that.
I'm just saying...

You're in a bubble now.

Nobody's gonna tell you the truth.
I'm telling you the truth.

Life is tough, things get hard,
and you're gonna wanna have a backup plan.

So can we please just focus and study?

- You're so mean! No!
- [stutters]

[sighs]

[door slamming]

Did you just tell Arya
that she's a bad actress?

What? No. Never.

'Cause my little girl
is gonna take on the world.

Don't you ever tell my daughter
that she is anything less than perfect.

'Course not. I was just saying,
you know, I think...

She has a big test
this afternoon, that's all...

And she'll ace it!
Because she's tough.

And she's a fucking champion.

Motherfucker.

Sorry.

- [door slamming]
- [sighs]

[R&B music playing]

- [both moaning]
- Say something about my dick.

[breathing heavily] Your dick...
it feels so good.

- Yeah?
- Yes.

- It does, right?
- Doctor.

- It does feel good.
- Okay.

[both moaning]

I know you wanna fire me.

What? What?

- You can't fire me now.
- [moans]

I don't want to fire you.

You can't fire me,
'cause you're fucking me.

I'm not fucking you.
You're fucking me.

- No.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- You're fucking me.

[both moaning louder]

[moaning intensifies]

[satisfied groan]

- You just came?
- Mmm-hmm.

[Mickey inhales deeply]

I haven't yet, so...

Fine.

[Dr. Greg moaning]

[grunting]

[Dr. Greg mumbles]

[panting]

I feel a little weird.

[breathing heavily]

Five minutes left.

You're doing great.
How you feeling?

I'm done.

Yeah? Okay, perfect.

See, that wasn't that bad, right?

Arya... [sighs]

You did, like, less than half of this.
What's the deal?

I'm done, I'm tired,
and I do not care about that test.

What is wrong with you?

You wanna lose your job?

- You want me to lose my job?
- Don't be mad at me.

I'm not mad at you.
It's just...

If you fail,
you can't work for 30 days.

And...

you know, a lot of people
are gonna be in a lot of trouble.

Including me, okay?

Susan's gonna be pissed off at me
and she's gonna fire me

and then she's never
gonna read my script...

Stop!

I'm under so much pressure right now!

I don't even want to work here!

[sobbing] I hate this place so much.
Everyone is old!

Okay. It's okay.
Hey, don't get upset, okay?

Uh, we got four minutes left.
Let's just rip through this.

[sobbing] I wanna go to a real school,
with real friends!

You can pass this.
You just gotta sit down.

- Okay, please?
- You're my best friend!

You're my best friend
because all my friends hate me

because I met Taylor Swift.

Well, that's cool, right?

You get to meet Taylor Swift.

You get to make
a bunch of spending money, huh?

I'd love to make the money you're making.

[crying] I don't even get the money!

My parents take it!
And they're getting divorced!

- What? Whoa, shit. Hold on, it's okay...
- [Arya crying]

[yelling] I hear them arguing
through the walls!

Through the walls!

[whispering] Okay.
Hey, Arya, it's okay, okay?

- Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
- [grunting angrily]

[crying] I'm so sorry.

[door opening]

- [breathing deeply]
- [door slamming]

[sighs]

"Two apples are dropped
off a ten-story building.

One apple is five pounds..."

What the fuck?

I can't believe you said that.

What, about not wanting
to touch your asshole?

No, about me firing you.

Oh. Well, yeah, it's true.
You can't now.

You think that I would
do something like that?

Yeah, if I rejected you, I'd be gone.
That's what you do. But...

now that we fucked, you can't,
because that would be sexual harassment.

- That's how you see me?
- Mmm, sort of, yeah.

You think I'm someone who would fire you
if you didn't accept my advances?

- That's ridiculous.
- Oh, really? Well, what about Jane?

You got all pervy with her
and then you fired her.

I fired Jane because she stole from me.

She bought a Birkin bag
with my credit card.

Well, what about Melanie?

[shouting] Melanie was dumb!

She made all of my passwords 1-2-3-4!

My identity was stolen.

Oh...

I didn't know that.

No, you didn't know that.
You know why?

Because I was concerned
about their reputations.

I wanted to have sex with you because
I thought that we shared something.

Maybe shared some sort
of special connection.

Do you really think that I'm, like,
that type of manipulative person?

Do I give off just, like,
some kind of fucking awfulness? Huh?

Or are you the awful one?

Can't tell if you're
fucking with me right now.

Let me tell you something, okay?
I am just a man.

I get up and I talk to people,

and they tell me their problems
and I try to give them strategies

to help them make their lives
just a little bit better.

That's what I do with my days, huh!

Do you know what it takes
to be the type of person

to call somebody for self-help
and then they hang up,

and I don't know
if they've killed themselves.

I don't know if they're happy now,
I don't know shit!

All I know is there is some sort of voice
on the other side of the line

that is fucking crazy, that I am,
all of a sudden, responsible for!

And I do that. I'm a saint.

I should have my face up on a fucking
stained glass window in a goddamn church!

And I'm a Jew!

[sighs]

You know, I don't know if you're familiar
with the term "projection,"

but I got something to show ya.

It's a little movie called
Mickey Has No Idea Who the Fuck I Am!

[whispering] I don't know why I bother.

[yelling] I don't know
why I fucking bother!

[inhales]

You just really hurt my feelings.

[door slamming]

[sighs]

[knocking on door]

- Susan, hey.
- She pass?

Yeah. Yeah, she passed.

Connor? Tell Len and Mary
that Arya passed the test.

Oh, also, could you go on
to my Paleta account

and make sure that I'm signed up
for the plan with the most snacks?

I'm fucking starving every day.

[typing]

Hey, um, Susan,
can I just... talk to you, real quick?

Um, I just...

I wanted to let you know,
uh, 'cause I think...

you should know that the, uh,
reason Arya passed is because I...

I helped her cheat.

So it's taken care of?

[stutters] Yeah, it is.
It's taken care of and...

I guess I was sort of thinking,
you know, since I came through for you,

and helped the show
not get shut down, maybe...

you could do me a solid
and take a look at this...

So what you meant was that
you were so bad at your job of teaching

that you had to cheat for her.

Uh, yeah.

I mean, I guess, um, you know,
it's not really a teaching thing,

it's more she has... [inhales sharply]

just difficulty learning things and, um,
she's under a lot of pressure.

We all are.
[continues typing]

Uh, well, you know,
she's 12 years old. So...

I wish I was that rich when I was 12.
But I was in Baltimore.

- Oh, Baltimore?
- Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, I'm from South Dakota, so...
I struggled, too.

I mean, I think that's why
I work so hard around here...

Thank you, Gus,
for doing your job...

that you get paid to do.

[Gus chuckles] Okay.

Hey, Connor? Uh, see if Liz
is around to talk wardrobe.

Don't tell her I'm here,
just see if she's around.

[continues typing]

- Close that door for me, please.
- Uh-huh.

Thank you.

[Bertie] This is what I do.
[Mickey] Mmm.

This way, the whole tub fills up
with syrup and you can just dip into it.

Good idea.

Sometimes it's fun to eat without limits.

I'm just gonna eat this
whole thing tonight.

Yeah, I mean, it's not like you can gain
ten pounds in one night.

One pound, two pounds max.

[humming, smacking lips]

Oh, shit, I forgot to text Gus.

See? This isn't hard at all.
I could totally drive a car.

[cell phone chimes]

Let's go find somewhere
where we can go really fast.

Yes! Yeah.

Floor this son of a bitch!

Let's go, come on. Whoo!

[Arya] Whoo!
[Gus] Whoo!

[Arya] This is awesome.
[Gus] Yeah.

[pop music playing]