Louie (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 5 - Untitled - full transcript

After taking Jane to the doctor and picking Lily up from a sitter, Louie begins having horrific recurring nightmares that he can't escape from.

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Louie, Louie,
you're gonna die ♪

♪ Louie... ♪

I haven't had--
I never had any really--

I haven't had a pet
since I've been a grown-up.

I was thinking about
getting into beekeeping.

I got interested in beekeeping,

so started thinking about that,

and I looked into it.

The problem is
it's just too many bees.

Just way too many bees involved.



So, what I did is--

What I'm doing is
I just keep one bee.

I just have one bee.

It's like depressing,
it's like 42 years old.

Just, like...

stays home all day,

and I'm like, "Hey, why
you got to 'bee' like that?"

Yeah, you hated that,
didn't you?

Thanks a lot, folks.
You've been great.

Good night.

Give it up
for Louie C.K.!

Huh?

Oh, my God!

What's up, man?
Oh, my God.



Uh, that bee joke was hilarious.

Oh, thanks, man.

Thank you.
So funny.

You're like, "Yeah,
I want to be a beekeeper,

but it's just..."

What is it?

Too many bees.

Too many bees!
Yeah, yeah.

That is hilarious, man.

Oh, thanks, man.
Thank you.

And there is no better way
to say I'm ready, okay,

than some hard nipples
just staring at you.

Hey, have you heard
his bee joke?

Uh, no, I haven't.
It's so funny, man.

He's like, "Yeah, so I want
to go into beekeeping, right,

"want to be a beekeeper,
but I just feel like,

"I don't know, there are
so many bees involved,

and I don't think I can
really handle that, you know."

It's really hilarious.
No, no, no.

And then the next part,
he's like,

"Yeah, so maybe I feel
like one bee,

"that's gonna be easier,

"so, you know,
I'm just gonna--

I'm gonna keep
one of 'em," right?

Well, I kind of go, I just say,

"So, I've been looking
into beekeeping,

"but as I looked into it,
there was, like, too many--

"just too many bees.

So, I'm just gonna keep one bee."

What was the--
And then the next part.

I got to-- I got to--
I got to-- I got to go upstairs.

I'll see you later, man.
Nice talking to you.

Yeah, you're a good crowd.

So, welcome to the stage

Crazy Glazy, everybody.

Come on!

Achoo!

Achoo!
Stop that.

Hello.
Hi, Louie.

How are you today?

Good. How are you?
All right.

This one has a 3:00...
Okay.

appointment/checkup-ey thing.
Okay.

Okay, you can sit down.
We had a-- Okay, good.

Come on.

Can't believe we're on time.

Hi, how are you?

Hello.

She's not very friendly.

Shh!

Well, she's not.

Well, you're not.

I mean...

Jane?

Hey, I want one of those.

No. No way.

But you're having one.

So what?
It's bad for you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Mmm. None for you.

Yahey, Jane.

Yahey, Doctor.

What is that?

It's "hello" in Navajo.

Yahey, Doctor.
Yahey.

So, what's going on with you?

She's had a few little issues,

so we thought we'd just
have her, you know...

Jane, what's going on with you?

Well, I had a really bad
rash here on my arm.

See? Like,
right along here.

Try to imagine
big, red, blotchy spots.

The skin's all pink,
and it itches.

Mm, I think I can imagine that.

Seems like it cleared itself up.

Yeah, Skip, it was,
like, two days.

It was only there
for--

It lasted about a month.

It lasted for two days, honey.

There wasn't--

I don't know.
Might have been longer.

How long did it last?

Like a month.

What else?

Well, I have this
weird thing in my head.

Yeah? Your head?

Yeah.

It's like...

I get this weird feeling
that I'm sweating

but on the inside of my face.

And then I get this weird thing

where my eyes are all weird

and I can see electricity.

Like, I can see green lines

going from, like, a light bulb

to all around.

And then I can see that
everything is just electrons

colliding and floating
and playing.

And then I feel like
if I just take one deep breath

and then just wish hard enough,

I could just vanish

into nothing

like I was before I was born.

I think you could use
a glass of water.

Sounds to me like
you're dehydrated.

Okay.
What else?

Mm, that's it.

Good.

Don't you wanna take a look at her?

I am looking at her.

Okay.
Thanks, Doctor.

Come on, let's go.

Have a good--
Yeah.

Where are we going?

We're picking up Lilly
at her sleepover.

Lilly's lucky.

Why?

Well, she has friends.

I don't have any friends.

You have friends.

Uh, Melissa.
Melissa's your friend.

Um, she hates me now.

But you guys were so close.

Well...

What do you mean she hates you?

Why do you say Melissa
hates you all of a sudden?

Well, you see,
she wrote this thing,

like a petition,

and it said,
"Who hates Jane?"

And every single person
in the class signed it.

Who is it?

It's Louie coming for Lilly.

When did this--

Who's Melissa to write
some shit like that?

Oh, hi.
Hi.

Hi. Come on in.
How are you?

Lilly's just getting it together.

Stop it. Stop it.
Hi, Jane.

I know.
Stop it. Cut it out. Sorry.

Hi.

Jesus.

Lilly?

Hi, Dad.
Hey.

Get your stuff, okay?

Okay.
Okay.

Did you have fun?
Yup.

Okay, good.

They didn't keep you
up all night or--

No, no, they were great.

Okay.
She's so great.

Hey, um, could you help me
with something?

Yeah, wha...

What do you need?
Uh, I just--

Well, I'm just trying
to get the apartment together.

You know, there's
so little room.

I thought that when--
when Jack left,

that suddenly there would be
all this extra space, but...

Um...

could you help me
move this fish tank?

Oh, uh, move it to...

Well, I was-- I was gonna
try it in the living room.

You know, I just can't
sleep with it in here.

Oh, I-- I can't.

I-- I mean, I can't just--
I can't just move it.

No?

No, I mean, it's a hu--
Look at it. It's huge.

I mean, that's--
I'd have to--

That-- That's a--
You'd have to drain it mostly

and then take some
of the fish out and...

Yeah, it's a professional...

You'd have to...

Oh.

Oh...

- Sorry.
- No, sorry, I can't anymore.

I can't. It's just too hard.

I keep trying and trying
every day,

and I can't do it all.

I can't. I just
can't do everything.

Well, I'm sorry I...

I can't.
I just can't.

Well, uh, listen, I'm--
I'm really sorry you're--

I'm really sorry you're
going through that, but, um...

You know, I don't...

I don't really know you,

so I feel like this is
a private thing,

like I shouldn't--

I shouldn't stay while you're...

Okay? So, you know,
cheer up.

Just... No, it's okay.
Just take, you know...

Just...

Just-- Well, nah.♪

Just...

Okay.

Lilly?

So, how was the sleepover?

It was okay.

Micah's brother smells.

What'd you guys do?

Nothing really.

I mean, we ordered pizza.

We-- We talked.

We saw this
really good movie.

Oh, really?
Oh, my God, it was so good.

It was really
interesting and--

Those are real lobsters?

Yeah.

It's inhumane to put them
in this little tank.

It's all right.
It's okay.

What do you mean it's all right?

Just 'cause it's--
It's not.

Imagine if you were in there.

But that's not somebody.

That's just--
That's food.

Those-- Those
people are food.

Anyway, so it was really good.

It was-- It was
about this guy,

and he wears all white,

and, like, a bowler hat,

and he goes around,

and he beats people
up with his gang,

but then he gets caught,

and they try to make him
a better person

by, like, prying
his eyes open--

You saw "A Clockwork Orange"?

Yeah, that's what
it was called. Yeah.

Lilly, that's like
the most horrible,

violent movie ever.

It-- It wasn't
that bad.

You saw "A Clockwork Orange"?

Yeah.

It was-- It was,
like, artistic.

Shh.

Hey, how long was I asleep for?

Dad, you fell asleep
in the taxi,

and then we came home,

and you went
right back to sleep.

Really?

Yeah.

I don't remember that.

Oh, no.

Aah! Aah!

Fine, and I will call the owners,

and I'll say, "Put your dog on.

"You hang up the phone.
I don't care about you.

"Put my friend on.
My best friend.

My best friend
in the world."

Now, look, here's
the other thing I'm trying.

I kind of figured "I'm gonna try

getting into
beekeeping."

Now, here's the thing
I realized about it though.

There's way too many bees!

There's so many bees!

And they're stinging.
It was like, "Ooh! Oh!

Ow! Ooh! Ow! Oh!
Ow! Ooh!"

Huh? What I'm gonna--
Here's my take.

I'm gonna just do one bee.

Just one bee.

You know, like sometimes it
gets a little sad, lonely,

and I just got to...
"Why you gotta bee like that?".

Thanks very much.
I'm Crazy Glazy.

Keep it going for Crazy Glazy, everybody!

What's up, dude?

Hey, man, what the hell?

What are you doing?
What?

That's my-- That's my--
That's my bee bit.

Yeah, that's yours!
That's right! Yeah.

That's so f--
It's so funny, man.

It's so funny.

Dude, you don't--
You did it.

You don't do my bit.

...feel good. I need you
to make me feel good, baby.

That's a lot of pressure
for my cat.

I know, it's so funny.
It's so funny.

Yeah, but that's stealing.

You can't go onstage
and do somebody else's bit.

...Louie C.K.!
I know, it's like, it's your bit,

and it's, like,
now I'm doing it.

It's so funny!
So funny, man.

I don't know which one.

I don't know which one.

I don't know which one.

Don't!

Don't do it.

I'm telling you.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

All right, this next guy
is really funny.

Please help me welcome
Louie C.K.!

Oh, my God!

Hi, this, uh, sar--
sel-- selfin,

self, selfin, selfin...

Moww.

Moww.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Are you all right?

Yeah, why?

Well, you look tired.

And very ugly also.

Stupid. Unfunny.

What's wrong, stupid?

Just not sleeping,

- I got nightmares.
- What kind of nightmares?

It's just scary shit that
scares the shit out of me.

And then I wake up,
and I'm in a cold sweat,

and my heart is racing.

Your face is ugly,
brain doesn't work.

Nightmares are the worst

'cause that's coming
from the inside.

You can't defend
against that shit.

That's exactly
the thing about it.

Well, you should try melatonin.

I don't want to take stuff.

I don't like taking stuff.

Well, then, try hypnosis.

I don't like that kind of thing.

I'm not into that sort of thing.

Well, then, don't complain!

I mean, if you're
not gonna try something

that might help you out,

don't sit here
and bitch about it.

Sorry.

Everyone hates you.

I got to go.

Where's my coat?

Did you see my coat?

Brown--
My brown coat?

I didn't see it.
Nah.

Where is it? What did
I do with my coat?

Hey.

Hey, what's up, man?

You're wearing my coat.

Oh, yeah.

Dreams don't really
mean that much.

Some people think it's
something in your subconscious.

Some believe it's your brain

sorting out memories,

throwing out what you
don't need anymore.

Some think it's a kind
of a... moral correction.

Way of punishing yourself.

But the truth is,

you just have to let them
run their course,

get on with your life.

Ah, shit.

Yeah, sorry.

Aah! Aah!

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Please...

just stop!

Please out there, in there,

just give me a break.

Okay, I'm going back to sleep.

Please don't be scary now.

Okay?

Please just be nothing.

Okay, here I go.

Aah! Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah!

Prah. Prah.

Prahhh....

Ah...

Ah, shit!

God damn it!

Can I get one of
these cannolis please?

Sure.

Thanks for coming out.
I appreciate it.

It's all right.

I acted weird on purpose
when I left

to make Andy suspicious.

Why?

I want to-- I want to make her
think I'm cheating on her.

She's getting too confident.

But I'm actually too old to do anything.

What are you doing?
You haven't paid for that yet.

I'm not gonna steal it.

You know what that
filling's made of?

What?
Raccoon jizz.

How do they get it?

Got a guy out back
with a rubber glove.

They jerk off
right into the pastry.

Nice.
And there they go.

That's good.

Still having those nightmares?

Every night.

I get PTSD from going to sleep.

It's like the opposite

of what sleep is
supposed to do for you.

Well, at least
you get some sleep.

You're not sleeping at night?

Well, I fall asleep no problem,

but I wake up
exactly two hours later,

like, every night.

And you can't get back to sleep?

No!

I'm ordering stuff.
I'm buying stuff.

I have, like, 14
porcelain dolls at my house.

So...

let me ask you something.

What?

What do you think is
causing these nightmares?

Whoa, whoa.
You all right?

Yeah.

You sure?

I-- I want you
to ask yourself this.

What was going on in your life

when you started
having these nightmares?

Hey, Barbara.
Oh, hi. Hi.

Um, I came to help you
move your fish tank.

Got some stuff
for the fish tank.

Really?
Yeah.

Come-- Come on in.
Okay.

♪ I fear they'll come again ♪

♪ If I go to bed ♪

♪ I wish that something else would ♪

♪ Be in my dreams ♪

♪ Here come
those little monsters ♪