Louie (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 4 - Bobby's House - full transcript

♪
♪ louie, louie, louie, louie
♪ louie, louie, louie loueye ♪
♪ louie, louie, louie, louie
♪ louie, louie you're gonna cry ♪
♪ louie, louie... ♪
(phone chimes and vibrates)
Yeah.
Hey, it's bobby.
Hey. Hold on a second.
(grunting)
Hey, what's up?
How you getting to uncle jack's wake?
What?
How you getting there? You driving? What?
What are you talking about? What happened to uncle jack?
Bro, he's dead.
His wake's in two hours.
I didn't know he was dead.
Come pick me up. It's in jersey.
Oh, shit. Okay.
I'll see you in a bit. Bye.
Ah, shit!
Nobody told me that he was dead.
What do you mean? He's your uncle.
You're supposed to know.
How did you find out?
I read it in the obits.
(violin music playing)
(chatter)
Why is everybody here?
(mourners sniffling)
Bro, he fought in vietnam.
What, so then they all came here for his...?
Hello. Hey.
Thank you for coming.
Hi.
Thanks.
Did you not ask--
Did you check with anybody to see if it was our jack that--
Hey, you didn't even know he was dead.
Well, should we...?
(chatter)
Thank you for coming. Oh. Sure.
All right, I'll see you later.
You wanna come up?
No, no, no. I got to, um...
Do some shit. I gotta do some--
Come on.
Stop being such an asshole, come up.
How is it being an asshole just 'cause I won't come up?
I don't know, 'cause you're my brother
And you haven't been up to my apartment, not one time?
Well... I didn't--
I don't want to.
Okay. All right.
Let's go, come on. Great, great, great.
Okay. Yeah.
Well, this is my... This is my place.
(sighs)
This one here.
Okay.
What's that?
This saves on electricity,
This little thing right here.
How long you think we're gonna be up here for?
I don't know. Okay, all right, I'll...
Five...
(sighs)
(drops keys on table)
Okay.
Oh, boy.
(sighs)
It's a nice place.
Thanks.
Yep. (exhales)
Hey, um...
I want to talk to you about something.
Hmm.
You know, and this is...
This is kinda hard for me.
Dude, you don't have to--
Okay, I'm--
I'm truly happy for you, man.
Seriously, you--
You know, you took a chance, the way things worked out
And I'm proud of you, you know?
You took a chance on being a comedian and you did it.
You did it. Well, I'm not--
I didn't do it. I'm doing it. I mean, I'm trying,
I'm still trying, you understand? I'm not-- bro, bro, bro.
You are paying your bills doing what you love.
You got a beautiful wife,
You got a divorce,
You got part-time custody of two beautiful kids.
Me? I got nothing.
No money. No skills, no twitter.
My sperm don't work.
What? What do you--
What does that mean?
I had 'em checked out. They're all dead.
They're dead, they're--
I got a bag full of dead sperm.
I mean, it's gross.
Why did you do that for?
What, I didn't kill them.
No, no, I mean, why did you get 'em checked?
Are you in a relationship? You're trying to have kids?
No, I wanted to see if I was any good in that way.
Turns out I'm not.
Bobby, why do you--
Why do you do things just to upset yourself?
If you're not actually actively trying to have kids with somebody,
Then why did you get-- go get your sperms checked?
It's just-- look, man.
I don't think you realize.
You, you're doing great, and I'm not!
And I'm your older brother.
And that's-- that's hard.
What?
I'm your older brother.
You're my younger brother.
What?
Bobby, you're 44 and I'm 47.
Listen, I--
Look, your life is your life and it's fine,
And my life is my life
And I have my own problems, you know?
You don't-- you don't get it, okay?
You don't-- you don't understand.
What is it that I'm not getting?
What do you want me to do?
Okay? What do you want me to do?
I want you to help me.
Help you how?
Help me get good things in my life!
What-- what are you--
Tell me what you want. Tell me what-- what--
What do you-- what the--
What does that mean?! What--
What do you want? How do you--
See, this is-- this is it. What's--
When you-- when you--
When you get like this, this thing that you do.
Hey, hey, hey.
You asked me to help you. Yeah.
And now this is me asking you how to help you,
How is it that you want me to help you?
You're throwing it in my face.
I'm what? Right in my face.
Yeah. You know?
I mean, I--
You're my older brother, man.
You should be looking out for me.
Bobby.
(light clicks off)
♪
(woman) don't be standing over there looking at me.
Don't be standing there looking at me.
I wasn't, I just--
You were looking at me, I saw you! Ow!
Jeez-- hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Leave him alone.
What? Stop it.
Just take it easy.
What did you say?
What did you just say to me?
Nothing, I just-- take it easy.
You're-- guy's scared of you.
Yeah, you don't even know what's going on here,
So why don't you shut up? All right.
Okay.
This has nothing to do with you.
Okay-- you wanna start?
No, I don't want to start.
Get on the bus.
Hey.
You made me miss the bus.
You wanna start? You got a problem?
Stop it.
Stop it. Hey.
I don't wanna--
I don't wanna hit you.
Ow!
Ow!
Ahh! Ooh!
(coughing)
Ugh! Get up!
Oh! (groaning)
(groaning)
Oh! (grunts)
Oh! Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Ugh.
Ugh.
Hi, dad.
Hi. Oh, my god, dad, what happened?
Nothing.
Dad, you got hurt really bad.
Oh, no! It's okay. It's all right.
Tell us what happened. It's okay, I'm fine.
Are you okay? What happened?
I'm fine. You look really hurt.
It's not a big deal, please.
Please tell us what happened? (sighs)
Come on, please? Daddy--
I'm not-- it's-- what happened?
Dad, come on. Ugh!
Okay, I got in a fight.
I got beat up.
Oh, my god, who was he?
Just a crazy... Person that got violent
And I got caught up in it.
Why did he do it?
I don't know, they were--
They were upset about something.
There was more than one of them?
No, just one person.
And they were upset about something, I don't--
They?
Okay.
Okay, look.
I'm just gonna-- I'm just gonna--
I'm gonna tell you, 'cause you're girls, you should...
The person that beat me up was a she.
You got beat up by a girl?
It was a woman, a very strong woman,
And she was beating up another guy
And I stopped her
And then she came after me,
And yeah, she beat me up pretty bad.
You know, you should know that women are strong.
There was a time when...
(snickering)
Sorry, daddy.
Dad...
I am so sorry that you got beat up...
(giggling)
...By this lady. (laughs)
Was she pretty? (laughing)
I'm sorry, daddy. (giggling)
(laughing)
You got beat up by a girl!
Okay, all right. No. (laughing)
Come on, stop, please. Louie, I can't!
Jesus christ.
I'm asking you for some help.
I need help.
I know, buddy, you need me to beat her up for you?
(laughing)
Please, this is serious. Ooh!
Okay, okay.
Okay? All right?
What can I do for you?
Okay, I have two shows tonight.
And I can't go onstage like this,
So can you please help me?
Do you have like makeup? Can you put makeup on me?
This just became the greatest night of my entire life.
This is-- that feels like a lot.
I don't think I need all-- no, no, no, no, no.
I'm putting on a base, it has to be even.
It's gonna look good.
Ugh!
This is fun.
You have really nice skin. You're lucky.
Okay, can we just...?
Okay.
Hey, wait a minute, what is that?
No, no, no, you need this.
No, I don't.
You're-- louie, please. What?
I'm begging you. Let me.
Let you what?
(sighs) if you just let me...
Make you up like a lady, I will--
No, no. No, no, no, no, no.
You will have the best sex of your entire life.
I mean, tell me this isn't already
Turning you on a little bit?
If you--
If you just let me do you, you know, like a lady.
No! No!
If you do, then--
Then we'll throw down and I'll--
Afterward, I'll make it normal
And you'll go to work, balls drained, like raisins.
You're gonna come all over your come.
Please, please, please, please, please, please.
I'm begging you, please, please?
Okay. Yes!
Are you-- are you done?
Yeah, just about.
There.
Perfect.
(sighs) hang on.
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
Right?
Oh, my god.
Come here.
No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What?
What? Wait.
I wanna...
Meet you.
What does that-- what does that mean?
(laughing)
Ahh...
(deep voice) hi, um...
I'm-- I'm peter.
I was just wondering, what's your name?
Uh, come on. (laughing)
I'm sorry. Did I--
I didn't mean to startle you.
I was just--
You're so beautiful, I was just--
I was wondering what your name is.
(sighs)
(female voice) my name is...
Jornatha.
Jornatha?
That's a-- that's such a beautiful name.
What is that? Is that danish?
Is that like swedish?
Wouldn't you like to know?
(scoffs)
Yes, jornatha.
I would.
Jornatha.
I was wondering...
Do you, uh, wanna dance?
Well, I...
I mean, I hardly know you.
Come on.
Dance with me.
Ooh, you're a big girl.
Oh, my goodness.
I like that.
Jornatha...
I'm gonna make love to you now.
Are you ready for me to make love to you now?
Yes, peter.
I'm ready.
(panting)
(moaning)
(both moaning)
(grunts) what--
What are you-- what are you doing?
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What are you doing? Shh, shh.
What are you doing? Shh, shh, shh!
Ahh! Shh!
Shh! Ow!
Ow! Oh, god! Oh!
Oh! (wailing)
Oh, no! Oh!
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Can I-- can I ask you something?
(sighs) I'd rather you didn't.
Okay, fine, I won't.
Thanks.
I just was wondering--
Ugh.
I just-- what we did--
Okay, what we just did is-- was very intimate, right?
Yeah. Yes. Yeah, it was a really intimate thing.
Yes. So in your mind--
In your mind, doesn't that
Put us into a category where we're--
Louie. What?
What?!
Oh, god, fine.
What? I forgot.
No, I'm really sorry that I forgot
That we're not ever to speak of any feelings ever.
(scoffs) louie.
(chuckles)
What?!
Dude. (laughs)
You're so great.
You're so great. Okay.
Can we...
(sighs) just be friends?
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. What?
What are you-- what?
I just-- I feel like
I'm no good for you this way
And, and, and you need more.
And that's okay.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm fine. I'm fine!
No, you're not. I am, I'm--
You wanna be, but you're not.
You need more.
You should find some nice, sweet girl
That you can marry and cheat on.
No, wait a minute. No, no, no, no, no.
I-- I'm not--
No, louie, louie, stop. You gotta listen.
No, no, no, wait a minute.
I don't mean-- I didn't--
I didn't mean what I just said.
I don't need us to be a thing.
No, no, it's not-- I don't need anything. It's not--
It was just a th-- louie, it's not just now. It's not just now.
I've really been thinking about this.
I've really been thinking about this
And I don't want to play with you.
I don't want to hurt you,
And I think I know what I gotta do...
Buddy, okay?
You're breaking up with me.
Yeah.
Sucks. I know.
It's gonna hurt me, too.
Well, can't we talk about it?
No, no, no.
It's just gonna keep sucking worse and worse, no.
I'm deciding, we're not this anymore.
We're stopping. Why?
I'm ripping the band-aid.
No.
It's been fun. You're awesome.
But we're done, louie.
(sighs)
(sniffles)
Louie.
Louie.
(laughs) oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
(bobby laughing hysterically)
Oh, god, man.
I love you, bro.
(laughing)
(sighs) I love you so much.
(laughing)
Ha! Oh, god.
(laughing) you-- you got-- ha!
(continues laughing)