Louie (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 1 - Pot Luck - full transcript
Louie goes to a pot luck dinner for the parents in Lily's class, but ends up going to the wrong party. When he finally reaches the right party, he has an unusual encounter with the surrogate mother of the couple hosting the dinner.
I was watching
a program about the--
People on other planets.
You know, I don't really care anymore.
Like, I'm sure there's probably people on other planets.
I just don't-- I don't care.
I'm not curious anymore about the wonders--
The wonders of the universe.
What are the origins of the--
I don't care.
I feel like I know enough things.
I don't need any more.
I mean, go ahead and tell me, hey, did you find out--
We found out, and it's all-- universe is a cupcake.
All right, fine, I don't care.
All right, that too, now.
But I'm not dying to know about people on other--
Like, these people on the radio are being very intelligent
And they're saying there's certainly life on other planets,
Certainly intelligent life, and we're out there looking.
And I think, you know what? Let's not--
Let's not go looking.
Let's not go--
Maybe we'll bump into 'em, but let's--
I don't think there's a good version of
The "we found another planet of people" story.
There's very few good versions.
'cause it's a whole-- it's not like it's just gonna--
It's us and then just one alien.
We found one guy!
There's us and there's this one guy.
So it's gonna be a whole planet of another kind of people
And it's not gonna be good, 'cause they got their own--
'cause we're very, like, egocentric.
We think that if there's aliens,
They're gonna come and they're gonna be like,
"hey, you guys, we're the aliens.
"we're totally--
"I mean, you're, like, people, but we're just aliens.
"like, we're part of your experience,
So whatever we can do to make this enjoyable for you."
I mean, even if they're way ahead of us,
There's no way they're perfectly exactly the same.
So either they're way ahead of us,
Which means we are automatically someone else's south america.
Like, immediately, we're going to be the south america planet
Of some america planet.
♪
♪ louie, louie, louie, louie
♪ louie, louie, louie, louie
♪ louie, louie, louie, louie
♪ louie, louie, louie, louie
♪ louie, louie, louie, louie
♪ louie, louie, louie, louie
♪ louie, louie, louie, louie
♪ louie, louie, louie, louie
♪ louie, louie...
I don't know, I-- I guess I feel like I don't--
I'm not that good anymore at--
At, like, navigating between the good and the bad times.
And...
I just don't know how to live a life anymore.
I don't-- you know, and it's-- it's scary.
Because I'm not that great anymore at coming up with
A reason to keep trying.
And I've started to feel something that, it's like--
It's like a depression,
But it starts to feel like maybe it's like,
Sort of like a real depression.
And then I'm like...
Oh, my god.
I'm a-- I'm a boring asshole now.
That's what I-- I'm boring.
Oh, god damn it.
♪ help me along please
♪ help me stay
♪ let the man within you...
♪ asked me to cry
♪ I told the world I loved her... ♪
♪
(cell phone ringing)
Yes?
Hey, marina, it's louie.
I'm jane's dad.
Oh. Yeah, hey, louie.
What's up?
The class potluck is tonight, right?
Can I still-- can I still come?
You never come to potlucks.
Yeah, but I just--
I wanna come. What can I bring?
Can I-- can I make fried chicken?
Uh...
You know what?
If you could make a dessert,
That would be...
Yeah, but I don't really know--
I don't know any desserts, how to make any.
Can I please-- can I just make fried chicken?
Uh... Yeah, sure.
That'll be a really big help.
Okay, great, see you there.
Great, okay. Bye, now.
What an asshole.
♪
♪ you told me you loved me
♪ you told me you'd stay
♪ live the way within you ♪
♪ all the favor of where you stay ♪
♪
Mmm.
Thank you.
(intercom beeps)
Are you here for the potluck?
Yup. Okay, great.
Oh, hi. Potluck?
Potluck. Come on.
I'm glad you guys were late, too.
I'm not the only one.
No, you're fine.
Isn't it amazing outside?
Yeah, it's really nice.
Welcome, welcome.
Joe's-- tidings to you all.
Come in.
Good to see you.
Thank you.
Oh, hi.
Hi. I'm kate.
Oh, I'm louie.
Yeah, what'd you bring?
That's fried chicken.
Hey, fried chicken, everyone!
Oh.
Okay.
How you doing? I'm louie.
Oh, hi, I'm bianca.
Hi, bianca. Bruce.
Bruce, hey.
I'm jane's dad.
I feel bad, I don't-- I don't know anybody.
I used to always know everybody,
You know, when she was in second grade,
I went to all the stuff, so I knew all the parents.
But I got two kids now, so.
Who's-- who's your-- which kid is yours?
We...
Well, I have a daughter.
Gretchen. She's 17.
Oh, okay. Yeah, totally.
So what circle do you tide from?
(kate) sana!
Tokati va!
Sulee batta toorah!
(all) ♪ sanna tonah...
What is the first question that we ask of one another?
Why are we here?
See chennel.
(all) ♪ see channel
What is the second question that we ask of ourselves?
Where do we come from?
Patro narta.
(all) ♪ patro narta
What is the fourth question that we ask of ourselves?
When will we know?
Birabba manni.
(all) ♪ birabba manni
What do we say when we know ourselves?
I, uh... (clears throat)
I'm really--
Again, I'm very sorry that I intruded.
Mistakes can be made. Forgive yourself.
Okay, I just-- I--
It was 2a I was supposed to be in.
That's two floors down. Right.
I just-- it was a potluck.
Yeah, I see. And mine was also--
It's okay.
Okay, well, I'm really sorry.
Again, forgive yourself. Sure.
Good night. Okay.
Oh, the chicken. The chicken.
(chanting from within)
Ugh.
♪
Oh. Hi, marina.
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
Come on in.
Here's the fried chicken that I made.
Oh. Yeah, right.
Well, here we are.
Oh, okay.
It's pretty much over here, but...
It's nice to...
Dinella, what are you doing?
Wow, this is good.
Mm-hmm.
Oh. Hi, louie.
Hey, jackie, hey.
Does jane take violin? I saw her with a violin.
She does play violin.
Where? After school?
Actually, she's--
Because checkers is gonna start playing the violin
And maybe they could do it together?
Music lessons are in the art room, right?
Actually, she doesn't do it at school.
She takes private lessons at julliard.
Oh, well. Okay, then.
I guess she's all a whole other...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just... Better than you.
(marina) you know, it's so overwhelming,
'cause you feel like, this is never gonna--
I'm never gonna be able to do this,
But there's no other choice.
I have to do it, you know?
We have to.
A lot going on, and you know,
Dinella is getting her master's, so we're so effing busy.
You must be. How's it going?
It's exhausting, but...
Oh, renassa, have you met juliann?
She's our surrogate.
No, how wonderful, hello!
May I?
Yeah, go right ahead.
Wow. Isn't it amazing?
So how'd you do it?
We got sperm from my friend at work who's gay and who died,
Then we each put an egg in this thing that--
It spins around.
It randomly mixes the eggs, so we have no idea.
So is it like in yahtzee
Where you put the dice in the cup and you...
So she is having natural childbirth.
She is getting no meds.
That's wonderful.
Isn't it? Yep.
You're having a baby and it's gonna be their baby?
It's private.
We're having a private conversation.
And so, we're using the birthing center,
Natural birthing center in brooklyn,
Have you heard of that place?
It is awesome. Yeah.
They don't-- they're not sanctioned.
You know, it's all about natural,
It's all about, you know,
These vaccines are killing these kids.
It's privately funded. No, it's not.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
I have an uber here, you want a ride?
Oh, no, I'm gonna get a cab, that's all right.
It's fine, they're paying for it.
Which way are you going?
Oh, I'm going downtown, but I can get a taxi.
That's the same as me, come on.
Can I... Help you?
Well, thanks.
This is me.
Okay.
I'll let you out.
Can I help you up to your--
No, it's fine.
Let me just help you, you're-- you know.
Come on. All right.
You all right? Okay? Yes.
It must be annoying, everybody trying to help you all the time.
Believe me, that's not the most annoying part
Of being pregnant.
Yeah. I guess maybe it's...
My swollen feet.
Yeah, living in a five-floor walkup.
What was I thinking?
Actually, can you help me?
'cause I-- I have--
Listen, can I use your bathroom?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
Your bathroom? Oh, yeah, it's right here.
Oh, thank you, thanks, sorry.
(urinating)
(toilet flushes)
Hey, thank you.
Oh, shit.
I'm-- I'm sorry.
No, it's not-- I'm sorry.
No, it's okay, I'm just--
It's, like, crazy pregnant hormones.
I can't help it.
No, no, no, no. I got--
I know, I remember-- I have two kids, so I can--
I-- there--
Listen, this is just-- this is okay.
This is-- I remember my kids' mom,
She would be, like, one day on--
Like, you know, trying to build a house and--
And then she's on the floor wailing and crying, so...
That's the hardest thing I ever saw anybody do,
So just the whole--
My-- I-- you know.
Well, she was lucky to have you with her.
I mean, marina and dinella are nice,
But I'm doing this all alone and I--
I had no idea how hard it was gonna be, like--
I mean, I just eat and exist.
I don't even enjoy food.
I've ceased to be a sexual being,
I didn't even have sex to get like this
And now look at me, I'm like a mess.
(sighs)
(chuckling)
Well... Yeah, sorry.
I should go.
This is not your problem. No, no, no, no, no.
I just-- I don't wanna--
No.
I don't wanna intrude on your...
That's fine. Okay.
You all right? Mm-hmm.
Okay, I--
Let me just say, 'cause I'm leaving, okay?
So I'm not a guy who's-- I'm not trying to...
Just, I just-- I remember my ex-wife,
When she was like this,
There's things that she needed to hear, so I would say them,
But in this case it's true, which is that you--
I've never seen you any other way.
This is you as far as I'm concerned.
You're a lady with a huge belly, like, that's what you are,
And you're gorgeous.
I mean, even if there wasn't a baby in there,
I'd be like, oh, my god, like, you just--
You're like a classical painting of, like, a life goddess
You know, if it was in playboy in the '70s, like, seriously.
Like, you're erotic and gorgeous and cute
And you're lovely
And I wish I could look at you all day long.
I--
And so I just want to say that as I go, so that you don't--
I'm not trying to--
Just, you're awesome like this, so congratulations on that.
What are you--
Yeah. Really?
Come on. Yeah, let's do this.
Are you serious? Yes, absolutely.
Really? Yeah.
Come on. Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right, okay, all right.
Oh, my god.
Ah!
(moaning)
Oh, my god.
Yeah. Oh, yeah!
(moaning)
(cries out)
Oh, my god!
(water splashes)
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Oh, shit! Okay, okay!
Oh, my god! Okay, okay!
Oh, shit!
Take it easy, take it easy.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...
Let me just...
Here. Ow!
No, no, no, no, no, no. Let's get you--
♪
(sighs)
Oh, oh, I see him.
Oh, there you are.
Marina, I'm sorry. You asshole.
You worthless piece of shit.
Do you know how hard we tried to have this baby in our way
And then you went and jizzed all over his face?
We had a reservation in brooklyn and now we are at bellevue.
I didn't come, I didn't.
What? I'm just saying---
Are you-- are you psychotic?
I didn't get any--
Like, do you have brain damage?
There is something really severely wrong with you.
Just ignore him. He didn't come.
We need to focus on the baby right now, okay?
Shut up, dinella, just shut up.
Look. I'm sorry, I did--
Some things don't work out the way you planned them, okay?
It's just-- an accident.
Are you kidding me?
What did you just say?
Baby, please.
Please just-- just shut up, dinella.
Congratulations on your... Baby.
Congratulations.
I think I gotta go home.
Oh, you do? Yeah.
Oh, you think you gotta go home?
Yeah. Oh, okay.
Why don't you go home?
And while you're there,
Why don't you do the world a favor
And cut off your dick and then eat it?
Stupid idiot.
♪
You know what I really enjoy is when my friends
Want to be racist, so...
But they want to be quiet about it,
So they just talk like the penguin from batman.
You know?
It's like, "hey, look at that black guy.
"what guy?"
(penguin impression) "the black. Black guy.
"black, black guy. Black people.
Black, black, black."
People on other planets.
You know, I don't really care anymore.
Like, I'm sure there's probably people on other planets.
I just don't-- I don't care.
I'm not curious anymore about the wonders--
The wonders of the universe.
What are the origins of the--
I don't care.
I feel like I know enough things.
I don't need any more.
I mean, go ahead and tell me, hey, did you find out--
We found out, and it's all-- universe is a cupcake.
All right, fine, I don't care.
All right, that too, now.
But I'm not dying to know about people on other--
Like, these people on the radio are being very intelligent
And they're saying there's certainly life on other planets,
Certainly intelligent life, and we're out there looking.
And I think, you know what? Let's not--
Let's not go looking.
Let's not go--
Maybe we'll bump into 'em, but let's--
I don't think there's a good version of
The "we found another planet of people" story.
There's very few good versions.
'cause it's a whole-- it's not like it's just gonna--
It's us and then just one alien.
We found one guy!
There's us and there's this one guy.
So it's gonna be a whole planet of another kind of people
And it's not gonna be good, 'cause they got their own--
'cause we're very, like, egocentric.
We think that if there's aliens,
They're gonna come and they're gonna be like,
"hey, you guys, we're the aliens.
"we're totally--
"I mean, you're, like, people, but we're just aliens.
"like, we're part of your experience,
So whatever we can do to make this enjoyable for you."
I mean, even if they're way ahead of us,
There's no way they're perfectly exactly the same.
So either they're way ahead of us,
Which means we are automatically someone else's south america.
Like, immediately, we're going to be the south america planet
Of some america planet.
♪
♪ louie, louie, louie, louie
♪ louie, louie, louie, louie
♪ louie, louie, louie, louie
♪ louie, louie, louie, louie
♪ louie, louie, louie, louie
♪ louie, louie, louie, louie
♪ louie, louie, louie, louie
♪ louie, louie, louie, louie
♪ louie, louie...
I don't know, I-- I guess I feel like I don't--
I'm not that good anymore at--
At, like, navigating between the good and the bad times.
And...
I just don't know how to live a life anymore.
I don't-- you know, and it's-- it's scary.
Because I'm not that great anymore at coming up with
A reason to keep trying.
And I've started to feel something that, it's like--
It's like a depression,
But it starts to feel like maybe it's like,
Sort of like a real depression.
And then I'm like...
Oh, my god.
I'm a-- I'm a boring asshole now.
That's what I-- I'm boring.
Oh, god damn it.
♪ help me along please
♪ help me stay
♪ let the man within you...
♪ asked me to cry
♪ I told the world I loved her... ♪
♪
(cell phone ringing)
Yes?
Hey, marina, it's louie.
I'm jane's dad.
Oh. Yeah, hey, louie.
What's up?
The class potluck is tonight, right?
Can I still-- can I still come?
You never come to potlucks.
Yeah, but I just--
I wanna come. What can I bring?
Can I-- can I make fried chicken?
Uh...
You know what?
If you could make a dessert,
That would be...
Yeah, but I don't really know--
I don't know any desserts, how to make any.
Can I please-- can I just make fried chicken?
Uh... Yeah, sure.
That'll be a really big help.
Okay, great, see you there.
Great, okay. Bye, now.
What an asshole.
♪
♪ you told me you loved me
♪ you told me you'd stay
♪ live the way within you ♪
♪ all the favor of where you stay ♪
♪
Mmm.
Thank you.
(intercom beeps)
Are you here for the potluck?
Yup. Okay, great.
Oh, hi. Potluck?
Potluck. Come on.
I'm glad you guys were late, too.
I'm not the only one.
No, you're fine.
Isn't it amazing outside?
Yeah, it's really nice.
Welcome, welcome.
Joe's-- tidings to you all.
Come in.
Good to see you.
Thank you.
Oh, hi.
Hi. I'm kate.
Oh, I'm louie.
Yeah, what'd you bring?
That's fried chicken.
Hey, fried chicken, everyone!
Oh.
Okay.
How you doing? I'm louie.
Oh, hi, I'm bianca.
Hi, bianca. Bruce.
Bruce, hey.
I'm jane's dad.
I feel bad, I don't-- I don't know anybody.
I used to always know everybody,
You know, when she was in second grade,
I went to all the stuff, so I knew all the parents.
But I got two kids now, so.
Who's-- who's your-- which kid is yours?
We...
Well, I have a daughter.
Gretchen. She's 17.
Oh, okay. Yeah, totally.
So what circle do you tide from?
(kate) sana!
Tokati va!
Sulee batta toorah!
(all) ♪ sanna tonah...
What is the first question that we ask of one another?
Why are we here?
See chennel.
(all) ♪ see channel
What is the second question that we ask of ourselves?
Where do we come from?
Patro narta.
(all) ♪ patro narta
What is the fourth question that we ask of ourselves?
When will we know?
Birabba manni.
(all) ♪ birabba manni
What do we say when we know ourselves?
I, uh... (clears throat)
I'm really--
Again, I'm very sorry that I intruded.
Mistakes can be made. Forgive yourself.
Okay, I just-- I--
It was 2a I was supposed to be in.
That's two floors down. Right.
I just-- it was a potluck.
Yeah, I see. And mine was also--
It's okay.
Okay, well, I'm really sorry.
Again, forgive yourself. Sure.
Good night. Okay.
Oh, the chicken. The chicken.
(chanting from within)
Ugh.
♪
Oh. Hi, marina.
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
Come on in.
Here's the fried chicken that I made.
Oh. Yeah, right.
Well, here we are.
Oh, okay.
It's pretty much over here, but...
It's nice to...
Dinella, what are you doing?
Wow, this is good.
Mm-hmm.
Oh. Hi, louie.
Hey, jackie, hey.
Does jane take violin? I saw her with a violin.
She does play violin.
Where? After school?
Actually, she's--
Because checkers is gonna start playing the violin
And maybe they could do it together?
Music lessons are in the art room, right?
Actually, she doesn't do it at school.
She takes private lessons at julliard.
Oh, well. Okay, then.
I guess she's all a whole other...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just... Better than you.
(marina) you know, it's so overwhelming,
'cause you feel like, this is never gonna--
I'm never gonna be able to do this,
But there's no other choice.
I have to do it, you know?
We have to.
A lot going on, and you know,
Dinella is getting her master's, so we're so effing busy.
You must be. How's it going?
It's exhausting, but...
Oh, renassa, have you met juliann?
She's our surrogate.
No, how wonderful, hello!
May I?
Yeah, go right ahead.
Wow. Isn't it amazing?
So how'd you do it?
We got sperm from my friend at work who's gay and who died,
Then we each put an egg in this thing that--
It spins around.
It randomly mixes the eggs, so we have no idea.
So is it like in yahtzee
Where you put the dice in the cup and you...
So she is having natural childbirth.
She is getting no meds.
That's wonderful.
Isn't it? Yep.
You're having a baby and it's gonna be their baby?
It's private.
We're having a private conversation.
And so, we're using the birthing center,
Natural birthing center in brooklyn,
Have you heard of that place?
It is awesome. Yeah.
They don't-- they're not sanctioned.
You know, it's all about natural,
It's all about, you know,
These vaccines are killing these kids.
It's privately funded. No, it's not.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
I have an uber here, you want a ride?
Oh, no, I'm gonna get a cab, that's all right.
It's fine, they're paying for it.
Which way are you going?
Oh, I'm going downtown, but I can get a taxi.
That's the same as me, come on.
Can I... Help you?
Well, thanks.
This is me.
Okay.
I'll let you out.
Can I help you up to your--
No, it's fine.
Let me just help you, you're-- you know.
Come on. All right.
You all right? Okay? Yes.
It must be annoying, everybody trying to help you all the time.
Believe me, that's not the most annoying part
Of being pregnant.
Yeah. I guess maybe it's...
My swollen feet.
Yeah, living in a five-floor walkup.
What was I thinking?
Actually, can you help me?
'cause I-- I have--
Listen, can I use your bathroom?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
Your bathroom? Oh, yeah, it's right here.
Oh, thank you, thanks, sorry.
(urinating)
(toilet flushes)
Hey, thank you.
Oh, shit.
I'm-- I'm sorry.
No, it's not-- I'm sorry.
No, it's okay, I'm just--
It's, like, crazy pregnant hormones.
I can't help it.
No, no, no, no. I got--
I know, I remember-- I have two kids, so I can--
I-- there--
Listen, this is just-- this is okay.
This is-- I remember my kids' mom,
She would be, like, one day on--
Like, you know, trying to build a house and--
And then she's on the floor wailing and crying, so...
That's the hardest thing I ever saw anybody do,
So just the whole--
My-- I-- you know.
Well, she was lucky to have you with her.
I mean, marina and dinella are nice,
But I'm doing this all alone and I--
I had no idea how hard it was gonna be, like--
I mean, I just eat and exist.
I don't even enjoy food.
I've ceased to be a sexual being,
I didn't even have sex to get like this
And now look at me, I'm like a mess.
(sighs)
(chuckling)
Well... Yeah, sorry.
I should go.
This is not your problem. No, no, no, no, no.
I just-- I don't wanna--
No.
I don't wanna intrude on your...
That's fine. Okay.
You all right? Mm-hmm.
Okay, I--
Let me just say, 'cause I'm leaving, okay?
So I'm not a guy who's-- I'm not trying to...
Just, I just-- I remember my ex-wife,
When she was like this,
There's things that she needed to hear, so I would say them,
But in this case it's true, which is that you--
I've never seen you any other way.
This is you as far as I'm concerned.
You're a lady with a huge belly, like, that's what you are,
And you're gorgeous.
I mean, even if there wasn't a baby in there,
I'd be like, oh, my god, like, you just--
You're like a classical painting of, like, a life goddess
You know, if it was in playboy in the '70s, like, seriously.
Like, you're erotic and gorgeous and cute
And you're lovely
And I wish I could look at you all day long.
I--
And so I just want to say that as I go, so that you don't--
I'm not trying to--
Just, you're awesome like this, so congratulations on that.
What are you--
Yeah. Really?
Come on. Yeah, let's do this.
Are you serious? Yes, absolutely.
Really? Yeah.
Come on. Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right, okay, all right.
Oh, my god.
Ah!
(moaning)
Oh, my god.
Yeah. Oh, yeah!
(moaning)
(cries out)
Oh, my god!
(water splashes)
Oh, shit! Oh, shit!
Oh, shit! Okay, okay!
Oh, my god! Okay, okay!
Oh, shit!
Take it easy, take it easy.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...
Let me just...
Here. Ow!
No, no, no, no, no, no. Let's get you--
♪
(sighs)
Oh, oh, I see him.
Oh, there you are.
Marina, I'm sorry. You asshole.
You worthless piece of shit.
Do you know how hard we tried to have this baby in our way
And then you went and jizzed all over his face?
We had a reservation in brooklyn and now we are at bellevue.
I didn't come, I didn't.
What? I'm just saying---
Are you-- are you psychotic?
I didn't get any--
Like, do you have brain damage?
There is something really severely wrong with you.
Just ignore him. He didn't come.
We need to focus on the baby right now, okay?
Shut up, dinella, just shut up.
Look. I'm sorry, I did--
Some things don't work out the way you planned them, okay?
It's just-- an accident.
Are you kidding me?
What did you just say?
Baby, please.
Please just-- just shut up, dinella.
Congratulations on your... Baby.
Congratulations.
I think I gotta go home.
Oh, you do? Yeah.
Oh, you think you gotta go home?
Yeah. Oh, okay.
Why don't you go home?
And while you're there,
Why don't you do the world a favor
And cut off your dick and then eat it?
Stupid idiot.
♪
You know what I really enjoy is when my friends
Want to be racist, so...
But they want to be quiet about it,
So they just talk like the penguin from batman.
You know?
It's like, "hey, look at that black guy.
"what guy?"
(penguin impression) "the black. Black guy.
"black, black guy. Black people.
Black, black, black."