Louie (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 8 - Elevator: Part 5 - full transcript

Sad news from Miami
as Hurricane Jasmine Forsythe

has claimed the life
of LeBron James

of the Miami Heat.

Mr. James was swept away
by the storm surge

that destroyed 90% of the
Florida peninsula last night.

Once again, we're reporting
the sad death of LeBron James,

and the rest of the Miami Heat,

and 12 million other people.

My daughter
asked me that question,

uh, what came first,
the chicken or the egg?

That's supposed to be a very
perplexing question.



What came first,
the chicken or the egg?

It's really easy--
it's the egg.

Of course, it is,

because you can't
just make a chicken.

You can't just have chicken.

You can't go, "Chicken".

You need to start with an egg,

and it starts this tiny,
and a chicken grows.

Now, a lot of people try to be,
you know, wiseguys,

and they go, "Well, okay,

so then where did the egg
come from?"

Uh, it came out
of a chicken, you idiot.

It came out of a chicken's ass.

How are you?



You here with Louie?

Mm-hmm.

You don't speak English, right?
No English?

- Hm?
- No English?

No English, no, no.

Right.

So... my cock
is seven feet long,

and it stinks.

Now, I don't know if
you understand the logistics

of a hay bale in New York City.

Somebody went
and got a hay bale...

Nick, are you gonna
order something?

Yeah, I'll have the fried
reindeer feet.

We don't have reindeer feet.

Okay, then I'll just
have the sherbert.

Hey, you got it
figured out, Louie.

I mean, she seems really cool,
and she's cute.

She is--
she's growing on me.

AIDS.

So she's leaving for good
in a week?

Yeah, she's gonna be going--
that's it.

Then, you're gonna be lonely.

More or less, yeah,
that's the thing.

You guys have never said
a word to each other,

and you're having a great time.

And then, she'll leave,

- and you'll be depressed
and lonely. - Uh-huh.

You know how much shit you're
skipping in-between there?

Getting to know her?

Getting sick of her?

Not being able to leave her

because you have
low self-esteem.

Realizing that
she's sick of you.

Trying to fix it by
getting married.

Trying to fix
the marriage by having kids.

Culling together
a few radio spots

so you have an excuse
to come into New York

just to get away
from her and the kids.

Ah, we're talking about you now.

You're afraid of being lonely.

You know how much I dream
of being lonely?

I love my wife, love my kids,

but, holy shit, lonely
sounds like paradise to me.

AIDS.

Please-- have your fun now.

Feel bad later.

I mean, it's
a zero-sum game.

AIDS.

I know what you mean--
I mean,

I only get
the kids half the week,

and I still-- I wanna
be alone all the time.

It's just too much.

AIDS.

My youngest is having trouble
in school now too.

♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS,
AIDS, AIDS ♪

♪ AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS--

Todd!

Jesus Christ, Todd.

AIDS.

AIDS?

Stop talking about
your boring-ass lives

and your dumb kids.

Todd, how old are you?

49.

Todd, you're
a 49-year-old single comedian.

Can I ask you a question?

Mm?

What do you do all day?

That's a great question.

Oh, when I'm not tag-teaming
both of your moms?

Yeah, when
you're not doing that.

No, I wanna know
because Louie and I have kids.

We're raising children.

What do you do?

What-- what is your day?

Walk me through any day.

All right, how about yesterday?

- Sure.
- Yesterday was great.

Okay, what time did you get up?

10:00, 10:30?

Okay, 10:00--
take me through all of it.

Woke up, uh, hung out
in bed a little bit.

Got the iPad out.

Catch up on
a little Facebooking,

a little Twitter, and, uh...

boom, time for breakfast.

What's for breakfast?

Every day, I go to the diner
downstairs from me.

I have toast,
well-done bacon,

coffee, juice.

But if this one waitress
is working,

I also get a free donut.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Started a couple years ago
when she said...

Hey, you're in here,
like, every day.

Do you want a donut?

Boom, free donut every time
she's there.

Nice.

Okay, what next?

Then, I went to the doctor.

Why? What do you got?

It was just sniffles,
or allergies, or something,

but I-- I don't wanna
deal with that.

So I go to a clinic.

A clinic?

Yeah-- Urgent Care, baby.

Storefront, open late,
40-minute wait.

Brought my iPad.

Using the Wi-Fi
from the coffee shop next door.

No need to dip
into my data plan.

Todd Barry?

Boom, it's my turn.

Todd Barry is next.

What happened next?

- Lunch.
- Where?

Oh, this was sweet.

I reach into my wallet

to get out my Setagaya Ramen
punch card.

I count the punches-- ten.

You know what that means?

I qualify for a free bowl
of ramen--

pork or beef.

What'd you do after lunch?

I had to work off the pork.

Went to the gym.

You belong to a gym?

I belong to gyms.

Gyms.

You mean plural?

I have all-access to every
Synergy Gym below 14th Street.

Sounds expensive.

Not when you cash in 290,000

American Express points,
it isn't.

So you went to the gym.

Go to the gym, get on
the treadmill for ten minutes.

Then, I get on the bike
for ten minutes.

Went home,
took a well-deserved nap.

Then, I woke up.

Then, I had to race off
to my gig in Poughkeepsie.

You had a gig?

Yeah, Poughkeepsie,
booked myself seven months ago.

Did a great deal--
80% of the door, $10 ticket.

I get 80%, he gets 20%.

So then, I have to get
to the gig.

Do you know how much a train
to Poughkeepsie costs?

$40.

Exactly.

Do you know how much a Greyhound
bus to Poughkeepsie costs?

$20.

Do you know how much
a Chinatown bus

that goes to Croton-Harmon,

which is just 20 minutes
outside of Poughkeepsie, is?

8.50.

I sell one ticket,
I cover most of that.

So I took the bus
to Croton-Harmon.

I get there,
I call the owner, and I say,

"Hey, can you come
pick me up?"

Croton?

He says something about,

"Oh, that's a huge pain
in the butt,

and also, we never
talked about this before."

I go, "Yeah, you're right,
we never did talk about it.

"But if you want me
to do the show,

I need
to get to the club."

Boom, I get the ride.

So I get to the club...

Can I get Three Miller
Lites, two Long Islands...

I take a peek at the crowd.

I ask the waitress for a Coke.

Coke, please?

She gives me a Coke for free.

Ah, Coke.

I walk towards
the dressing room...

and I see a piece of paper
on the dressing room door.

And you know what it says?

It says "Todd Berry"...

with an "E",

not Todd Barry with an "A",

which is how I spell my name.

They spelled it wrong.

Now, I could've let that go.

I mean, it's just
a dressing room sign, right?

Everyone makes mistakes, right?

I go to the owner.

I say, "Hey,
I don't mean to be a dick,

but my name is Todd Barry
with an "A".

My dressing room sign
says "Todd Berry" with an "E".

And he gives me a look,
like, "So?"

And I go, "I know it's kind of
a pain in the ass,

"but I don't ask for much.

"And yes, I know
it's an easy mistake to make,

"but it's also an easy
mistake to fix,

and it's very
important to me."

So I said, "All you gotta do

"is take the sign down,

"put it in a responsible place
for refuse,

"walk over to the computer,

"log onto Microsoft Word,
or Apple Text,

"whatever you want,

"Type in Todd Barry with an "A",

"take one sheet of paper,

"run it through the printer,

grab some tape,
and I get my identify back."

What'd he say?

Oh, it's not what he said.

It's what he did.

Boom, new sign with my name
spelled correctly.

Hey.

Hey.

Evanka-- Evanka?

Hey... Evanka.

Evanka.

Evanka-- oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Uh, Evanka?

Evan-- oh, shit.

Uh...

Uh-- aw, shit.

Come here, come here, come on.

Evanka!

God damn it.

Oh, God damn it--
come on, come on!

God damn it.

Oh...

Okay, okay.

Okay, you're okay--
you're okay.

Okay-- all right, okay.

Come on, come on, come on.

Evanka!

Shit.

What-- what? What is it?

You need to help me.

What-- you can't
just come barging in.

This is my home as well
as my office.

What are you doing?
This lady needs your help.

This woman needs your help.

Well-- I have boundaries!

What if she's dead?

Then, you won't
have any problems.

This isn't 9-1-1-- call 9-1-1.

- Come on! Please, look!
- Oh, geez.

Oh. - She was lying on the floor
of the elevator.

All right, all right.

She's a nice--
she's unconscious.

Get around the other side.

Move her against the wall.

Move her-- move her forward
against the wall.

Now, now,
p-- p-- pat her back.

Hit her on the back,
hit her on the back,

hit her on the back.

Ah! Ah.

Sweetie, sweetie, you've got
to chew these Mentos.

They're perfect plugs
for the esophagus.

You've got
to chew them, sweetie.

You'll be all right.

Help her up--
help her up.

Here you go--
help her up.

Oh, I'm so sorry--
I'm so sorry.

It's all right,
you're gonna be fine.

I'm very embarrassed.

What happened?

I found you on the floor
of the elevator,

and I brought you to the doctor.

That damn elevator--
I'm gonna die there one day.

You know, it's a--
interesting statistics.

Only two people per decade
die in elevators.

Is that right?

That's considered a very clean

and sterile environment, yes.

Well, this one is a--
is an evil box of death.

I'd rather be back riding
in the caboose

of Jackie Gleason's train.

You knew Gleason?

Oh, knew him?

He and-- well, never mind.

Please don't make me tell you.

No, no, tell--
it sounds great.

You come see me--

you come see me
if you have any problems.

You're gonna be just fine--
you're gonna be just fine.

Oh, thank you very much, doctor.

- Thank you.
- Yes, yes, surely, yes.

- Thank you.
- Yes.

- Oh.
- You all right?

Yeah.

What-- what was I doing?

- Was I coming, or--
- You were just laying on the floor.

No, but before-- was I going
out, or was I coming home?

I don't know--
I wasn't there for that part.

Look, maybe just-- let me take
you back upstairs, all right?

I'll help you.
That's probably a good idea.

- Right?
- Thank you.

Oh, you know what?

What-- you don't wanna
take the elevator, right?

No, I don't wanna
take that elevator.

- Come on-- you all right?
- Oh, yeah.

You like Mentos?

- I have no more Mentos.
- No? Okay.

You're a good guy,
you know that?

Ah, I'm all right.

Yeah, yeah--
you saved my life.

Nah, what are you--
you don't-- ah.

You know what they say?
What do they say?

Okay.

You all right now?
Yeah, thank you so much.

Okay, be-- you know.

I'm gonna take a nap.

Well, be-- do it
carefully, okay?

Don't, uh...

Um... you and, uh, Amia,

you've never...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah?

Well, do you-- I mean...

What I want to ask is--
is it serious?

Uh...

You mean, the--

okay, I-- I-- I---
I feel like--

No, no, no.

Is it serious?

Oh, I don't--

I don't know
if we should--

All right,
I'll take that as a no.

Okay, just checking.

Well, no, it's--
No, I just wanted to know--that's all right.

I-- no, it's serious to me.

I...

No, look.

This is serious.

The other thing--
"I love you so much,

you're so beautiful"-- no.

That's nice, but... no.

All right.

You know, in Hungary,
we have a saying.

"If you didn't screw the cow,
she's not your cow."

I'm not sure
that's how that goes.

That's...

You're a nice boy.

You know, you stay
just as you are, yeah?

You saved my life two times,

so you stay just as you are.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Bye-bye.

Oh, this new lock,
I don't even know how it works.

What's the matter
with that-- okay.

No, we are not going
to-- I am so sick of that place.

Oh, my God, shut up--
you don't even know about it.

Yes, I do, I've been
five times in the last week...

Oh, wow, all
right-- okay, what?

Shut up.

Hey, come on.

Come on in.

- Come in.
- Bye.

Bye.

Bye, bye.

No bye-- come on in.

- Hello.
- Yes, bye.

No, hello.

No, hello.

Yes, no-- yes, hello.

No, bye.

No-- come on.

No bye.

No bye-- come on.

Better bye.

Better bye?

Look, um...

Bye.

- Bye.
- Good-bye.

- Bye.
- Bye, bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Hi.

What's wrong?

Hey.

What's... wrong?

No good.

Mm...

I don't-- I don't know.

I don't know what you're saying.

I'm sorry.

Hm?

I'm sorry.

I...

I...

It's okay-- it's okay.

- No, no.
- It's okay.

I-- I-- I...

- It's okay.
- I-- I...

It's okay.

I--

Amia.

Shh.

I...

don't know what you're saying.

Shit.

A small bird died today
due to sadness.

He was six years old.