Louie (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 2 - Model - full transcript

When Louis is asked by Jerry Seinfeld to introduce him for a charity event in the Hamptons, he is awkwardly bad and amuses no one except a model. That model turns out to be the only one liking his performance and asks him to spend a day together, which he accepts. And while Louis is on that sort of date, something very bad happens.

You're welcome.

Hey, Jamie.

Hey, how's it going?

It's going okay.

Hey, uh...

Please don't.

Please don't do it.

Just...

please don't make me say
no to you all nice and...

Just don't ask, okay?

I just don't...
I don't wanna...



live that right now.

Okay, I...

I...

Dude, you gotta stop
asking everybody out.

Can't ask everybody.

You think people like saying no?

Takes its toll.

Sorry.

Louie?

Hey, Jerry, what's up?

Hey, what are you
doing tomorrow night?

Tomorrow night?

Yeah, I'm doing a benefit
out in East Hampton.

You know, Long Island?



Yeah, no, I...

Yeah, see Tom Papa was
supposed to do it,

but he got sick, he can't do it.

Could you do it?

You just gotta do like ten
minutes in front of me.

Yeah, sure, yes.

Really?

It's at 5:00, a place called
The Carlyle in East Hampton.

Can you get yourself there?

Yes, I can do that, sure.

Really, can...
Yeah.

Can you work clean?

Clean?

Yeah, can you not
curse, can you not...

say dirty, sex,

poop, dogs having
sex with vagina dirt?

Yeah, I can avoid
that stuff, yes.

Okay.

All right.

This'll be good,
this'll be good.

There's no money,
it's a benefit.

But, you know, these...
these things can be good.

I think it'll be good for you.

Okay, I'm in, sure.

Okay, 5:00 showtime.

All right, 5:00.
Carlyle.

East Hampton.

Show starts at 5:00.
Yeah.

Okay, yeah.
Okay.

What's it, uh,
what's... who are the...

It's, uh...

The benefit?
Uh.

It's heart disease.

Ah, okay, good.
Yeah.

It's good.

You know, wanna...
not have that.

Clean jokes.

Chickens...

are...

Chickens are dumb.

Chickens are stupid.

Oh, shit.

Excuse me.

This is a private affair.

I'm, uh, entertaining,

I'm a performer
on the sh... show.

Are you the drummer?

No, I'm a comedian.

I'm opening for Jerry.

You're opening for Mr. Seinfeld?
Yeah, I'm on first, I'm the...

Oh.

Oh, God, Louie,
what the...

I didn't know, I didn't know.

Benefit, Hamptons.

Come on, Louie, it's in
the manual, and you're late.

No, it's 5:00.

Five...

Come on.

You said 5:00.

Who are all these people?

I don't... they
look like celebrities

but I don't recognize
any of them.

These are the billionaires

and trillionaires
of Hampton Beach.

There are trillionaires now?

Yeah.

Hey, can you help me out?

What do you need?

Get... let me
have your jacket.

Here you go.
Thank you.

Here, put this on.

It's got badges on it and stuff.

You're fine, just put it on.

It's a security...

Start the show.

Are you gonna introduce me?

No, you're gonna introduce me.

That is why you're here, okay?

You go on, just do a few
minutes and bring me up.

Sorry, uh...

It's pretty simple.

All right, hit
the lights, let's get started.

What's even the name of the charity...
It doesn't matter.

I don't know what
the charity is, is...

Mhm.

Just go out there, Louie.

Good evening, uh...

Uh, hi, there, good... thank you
very much, thank you, uh...

Give yourselves, uh,

a great time for
coming out, um...

Give yourselves a round...

Coming out,
good job for you guys.

Uh, hey, it's cold outside.

I mean, it wasn't...
I mean, it was, uh, pretty warm.

I don't know.

It's crazy.

Uh...

Do you ever...

Chickens are dumb, right?

They don't even... how long have
we been eating chickens

and they don't get...

they're not
a little wary at this point,

they don't... haven't risen up.

There's been no
Martin Luther Chicken?

If there was one of those...

Um, you know, you know when you
go to the, uh, supermarket?

Not that any of you would ever

do your own shopping, uh...

I know you guys don't shop
for yourselves...

Of course, um...

Because you all have,
um, slaves somehow still.

Uh, no, I mean, uh, you know,
peop... I just mean,

people that work for you
who, duh, you all don't pay.

Um... you came... this is your...

Your soul laundering service.

Great, huh?

Great to...
thank you for, um...

It's good that you guys
came out for the...

Great, all right.

All right, I'm gonna go ahead...

I am gonna go ahead
and bring on your headliner.

This is a great, uh, man,

we're all very
excited to see him.

Please, a nice, warm welcome for
the great Jerry Seinfeld,

Ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you.

Thank you, Louie.

That was pretty much a total
disaster, wasn't it?

I don't think I've ever seen
anybody do worse than that.

But, uh, we
thank you for coming.

Especially since
we're here to raise money for

the World Heart Alliance.

I think if we had the choice of
heart disease

or watching any more of Louie,

we might pick the disease.

Anyway, he did a pretty good
job, certainly dressed well.

I really liked his jacket,
he certainly, uh...

seems ready for his
next line of employment,

it looked like to me.

Some sort of minimum wage
security work, anyway...

Um, I have a lot of, uh...

I have a lot of friends that
play golf.

They like golf,
I don't play golf.

Um, golfers will tell you that
it's a very challenging game.

That's the one thing
that they can tell you.

It's very challenging.

I'm quite sure that it
is challenging.

It's also challenging
trying to throw a Tic Tac

100 yards into a shoebox,
that's also challenging.

But we don't do it.

Shit!

Chickens are...

Hey!

You were just up there!

What's that?!

You were just up there!

Oh, my God.

That was hysterical!

You...

You must've be the one
that was laughing.

Yes, I was dying.

I'm glad I was, uh,
good for somebody.

No, you were awful.

That's why it was so funny.

Sorry?

You were awful!

Thank you.

No, I mean, you were just wrong.

You were very wrong
for this crowd.

I could see it the second

that you walked out, I mean...

The whole thing was
just such a train wreck.

It made my week.

I mean, if you only knew

what assholes these
people really are

and the fact that
they all hated you

makes you my hero.

I... I can't really,

I can't really hear
anything you're saying.

What?!

I can't really hear
what you're saying,

but thank... thank you.

Nice to meet you.

Come on.

Excuse me?

Come on.

What's your name?

What?!

What's your name?!

I like your hair!

Thank you, thanks.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, thank you.

Is this your house?

Should I...

Excuse me?

Excuse...

Oh, my God, what
a beautiful night!

Isn't it
always beautiful here?

Yes, but I never notice,
I hate it here.

Tonight, I love it!

Because I'm laughing.

Whoo!

Wait, don't...

Whoo!

Come on, let's go inside.

Ah.

Sorry.

Is this your house?

This is cra...
this is crazy.

I know.

Is that your father?

Yeah...

He walked on the moon.

He, uh, he walked on the moon.
Oh.

Well, so what...
then what did he do?

Exactly.

You're, uh,
just wearing underwear.

I mean, you don't
have any...

Can you tell me
where the towels are

so I could get you...

A towel?

Mm.

Do you want me to...

Um...

Just...

I think you should...
you could put some...

You could just...
please let me...

Just... okay, I...

I'm just surprised.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, no,
I guess... yes.

Very okay.

This is, okay... yes.

I just don't...
you know, the thing is,

I don't generally...

do the whole...
I mean, it's not...

Just like a very beautiful
astronaut's daughter...

Model.

Model, okay, let's
throw that in there.

Model...

Kind of people, type of person,

doesn't usually take me
home and have sex with me.

It's not my usual...
it's not how I roll.

Um-hmm.

Well, maybe it's
not really happening.

You're very weird,
you're very weird.

What, you make me laugh.

I don't think you appreciate

how gold that is.

Well, if everybody
I made laughed at this,

then my penis would
be sore all the time.

I would have... I would need
skrin... skin grafts.

I would need to
exfoliate... often.

And I'd need a whole regimen of
penis overuse, um, therapy.

What makes you laugh?

Me, what makes me laugh?

Um...

I can't remember.

You don't look like
you laugh a lot.

I don't?

I wonder if I could
make you laugh

the way that you do for me.

That would be nice.

What if I...

tickle you.

Don't-don't-
don't-don't.

Don't, don't.
Oh, someone's ticklish.

Stop it, please stop it.
Oh, you're gonna get it.

Please, stop it, please, stop it.
Oh, you're gonna get it.

Please, stop it,
I'm being serious.

I'm being really serious.

Please, stop it.

Please don't do that,
that's upsetting, I'm not...

Don't!

Can you help me?

So you went home with a girl
from the benefit.

You had sex with her.

You punched her in the face

and now she's in the hospital.

Yeah, now the police are here.

And now you're calling me.

Well, I thought, maybe
you could come by because, uh,

I know that you're...
you're here.

Can you come, can you come here?

Louie, tell yourself the story
where I come down there

and get in the middle of that.

Where I show my face

and say, "Hey, you know
the guy who punched the girl,

"who's now in
critical condition,

he's with me, just so
you know."

Is that story working?

No.

Oh, Louie, why...
why did you hit her?

She was tickling me.

Oh, right.

Okay, here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna give you
a phone number.

Call this guy,
don't talk to me, Louie

'cause I can't hear you.

He's a lawyer.

Talk to him.

Okay.

Where is this guy?

That guy?

Oh, shit.

Hey, listen, I didn't...

Son of a...

- Hey, hey, take it easy.
- Don't do it.

Don't do it, don't do it.

Cuff him.

Put your hands on my daughter.

Take it easy, relax already.

You're cuffing me,
cuff him!

Ah.

Let's go.

Okay.

Here's where we are.

First, can I... can
I just ask you,

um, how is she,
I mean, is she okay?

Nobody will tell me.

The girl, I don't
know how...

Blake?

Yeah.
She's gonna be okay.

Generally, uh, I mean,

she has some serious
damage to her eye.

Oh, Jesus.

Like some permanent
to her vision.

Oh, God.

And her pupil is paralyzed.

Oh, my God.

And she's a
professional model so,

that's not good.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Okay, well, here's the deal.

Her family, they're
very upset, and...

These are not
people you wanna upset.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, your nose is nothing.

These people are very, um,
let me put it this way.

Nobody knows
you're here right now

and nobody knows what happened,

and they wanna keep it that way.

Okay.
So you're not, at this time, being charged.

Okay.
But that's up to them to keep it that way.

They're not gonna let you walk
out of here without some...

they want compensation
for damages.

They... they wanna sue me?

They want compensation.

Well, they're... I mean,
they're rich

and I don't have
anything so what...

It's not that simple.

See, people are under
the misconception

that the rich
can't sue the poor.

They can, they want you to pay.

How much?

They're asking for ten.

I think we can get them to five.

Five?

Million.

I... I don't have that,
I don't have...

I'll never have that so...

You're gonna be
making payments to them.

Payments?

I believe I can get them to
agree to 5,000 per month.

5,000?

But how is this...
how is this possible?

This was an accident.

If we took this to
trial with the lawyers

and the influence
that they have,

it would be easy to imagine

a case of criminal negligence.

How?

You were naked in a bed
with a stranger.

You took that responsibility.

People do that.

You didn't know this person
and yet you were

as intimate with her
as if she was your wife.

And you didn't know her name,

and she didn't know that you
were violently ticklish.

I'm just telling you
where this is headed.

Wait a minute,
because this is...

she was there, too.

I mean, she did... she made
the same choice to do it so

she's at least 50
percent responsible.

Which is why I think I can get
it to five million.

That is the worst story

I've ever heard
in my entire life.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

So you have to pay her...
you have to pay them $5,000

for the rest of your life?

Oh, my God.

Do you want a drink?

Yeah, sure.

All right, don't go anywhere,

I'm gonna get us a drink, okay?

Okay.
All right.

I'll be right back, okay.

Okay.