Louie (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 14 - Pamela: Part 3 - full transcript

Pamela and Louie's daughters, Lilly and Jane, hit it off from the start. She also gets to meet Janet, Louie's ex-wife. After a nice afternoon and a less nice evening, Louie confesses his love to Pamela but doesn't get the reaction he wants.

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Excuse me.

Hey, that's-that's my sofa.

Okay.

Hey... What are you
doing with my sofa?

The lady upstairs.

(indistinct chatter)

(Pamela) Yeah, get it.

Now you.

No, you aren't.

Hi!

Daddy.



Hi.

Girls, look at your dad's face.

What the... What the hell?

Oh, you had to get new stuff.

All of that shit was horrible.

Daddy, we got rid
of the ugly couch,

the ugly table and all
the ugly chairs.

Where are we gonna get-

Where are we
gonna get new-

Where am I gonna get new stuff?

I don't know, that's
your problem,

but that shit had to go, man.

Oops.

Louie.



You're gonna thank me someday.

I gotta get the kids
to their mom's,

Are you mad that
I threw away your house?

Okay.

Look, we still gotta
get going, all right?

So girls, get your stuff
and say goodbye to Pamela.

Pamela should come with us.

Yeah, you can meet Mommy.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

That's such a good idea,
you can meet Mommy.

Okay, okay.

Okay, "one smart
fellow, he felt smart."

Okay, I can do it, ready?
"One smart fellow, he felt smart."

"One-One smart
fellow, he smelled-"

No.

"One smart fellow,
he felt smart."

Oh, I did it, I
did it, I did it.

You said
he smelled farts...

One smart fellow, he felt smart.

He felt-

(Jane) He smelled farts.

(Lilly) That's not the
nice word to use.

(Pamela)
One smart fellow, he...

One fart...

Hi.

Hi.

Hello, what did I miss?

Nothing, nothing.

This is Pam, Pamela.

Oh, hi.

(Louie) This is Janet.
Hey.

Hi, Janet.

Hi, I've heard.
Nice to meet you.

Thanks, come on in.

Patrick.

Hey.

Hey, this is Pamela.

This is Patrick.

Hi, Patrick.
Pamela, nice to meet-

Really nice to meet you.

Likewise.

Jesus Christ,
is it always like this?

Pretty much.

Go Lilly!

Woo!

Yes, it's all.

Well, yeah.

It's all-

We're all-

We're all parents, so...

Okay.

I gotta ask you a question.

What?

How is your
ex-wife black?

What, I can't marry
a black woman?

You can marry a green elephant.

The question is, how the hell is
she the mother of those almost

translucent
white girls of yours.

Oh, her mom is white.

Oh, well, then, her mom must
have had those kids,

because Janet is not their mom.

Yes... Yes, she is.

Did you see them being born?

Did you see those little
white babies come out

of her juicy black pussy?

Because I think she stole them.

Or something happened.

Oh.

Oh, he's all serious now.

Aww...

Come here.
Where?

Come here.
Where?

Lay down... lay down.

What are you doing...
what are you doing?

We're gonna do it now
on the empty room floor.

And then we're gonna get
you some furniture.

♪♪

I didn't know.

Oh, God.

What am I
supposed to do...

Shh!

Sorry.

Just look around and
see what you like.

Look at this.

This is gorgeous.

It's kind of big and...

No, it's... It's nice.

These are kind of nice.

What if I had those two?

(Pamela) Those are
like, gynecological.

Look at this.

I'm gonna touch this
just because I shouldn't.

What is this?

Which one?

Get those off your
face right now.

Look at that, look at that.

(Louie) What?

That mirror, that
old mirror clock.

(Man) It's 19th century French.

That is frickin' so cool.

I hate that.

I hate that.

I wanna get that for her.

Okay.

How much...
How much is it?

495.

Okay, I don't want to get it.

Sorry.

You don't wanna get it?

No, thank you, though.

Okay.

This is gonna be a lot of fun at
some point, we have some very

talented people at the show.

This is weird
because you've never-

I've never-You've never
seen me do this before.

What?

You're fine.

Come here.

What, do I have something?

No.

I just think you like this.

And outerwear.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to
the stage, Mr. Louis C.K.

(light applause)

(Louie) Uh, hi, everybody,
how are you doing?

I saw a dog and he had a
sweater on and on the side

of his sweater, it said,

"Please don't pet me,
I'm working."

And I thought,
there's no way he wrote that.

There's no way.

Somebody walked up and wrote
some shit on his sweater.

What's wrong with you?

You didn't laugh...
You didn't laugh one time.

That's because
you were staring at me.

It made me nervous.

How am I supposed to
laugh when the funny guy

is staring right at me?

I was trying to check
if you're laughing.

So this is what you
guys do, like,

just hang out
here after the shows?

Yeah, do a set, have some
falafel, go home.

So what's the suicide
rate for comedians?

Like 76% per capita,
around there?

Actually, clinical depression is
a big problem amongst comedians.

Most of it is caused
by Louie's act.

And his face!

What's up, fellas?
Hey, Marc.

What's going on?

Uh, my show got picked up.

What?
Yes.

That's great.
Yeah.

That's amazing.

Full season, full season.
Kid's gonna be famous.

That's really great, man.

His own show.
Thanks, man.

What?

You're not happy for me?

Yeah, sure I am.

Wow.

That is disappointing, man.

I mean...

I'm not gonna let it take
away from how good I feel,

but you are...

You are certainly not adding
anything, either.

Look, Marc, I'm happy for you.

That's not... If you're not
picking up on that,

then I'm sorry.

Oh, wow.

That's really nice, Lou.

That is the sweetest thing
anyone's ever said to me,

thank you so much.

Do you remember...

Do you remember that we were
best friends back when we were

coming up together?

Do you remember that?

I was washing dishes.

You were working at some,
like, phone line or something?

And we...

We were doing comedy and we
sucked at it, but we loved it

and we were there
for each other.

Do you remember that?

Yeah, I remember.

Look.

You know, I know that...

You know, I'm just gonna say it.

You know, things are
going pretty well for me.

Last couple years
have been great.

And now you don't talk to me.

You think that's easy for me?

I mean, I went
through a divorce.

One of my cats is probably dead.

I could've used a friend, man.

And I'm not sure I wouldn't be
acting the same as you if I were

in your position,
I'm not saying that.

What I am saying is, you've
been a shitty friend.

And it hurt me.

Why don't you two get
a room already?

It's like the worst night ever.

Why?

'Cause that cute guy got his own
sexy show instead of you?

No, you know what?

'Cause he's right, I'm a bad friend.
What?

I'm a shitty, bad friend.

You're not a bad
friend, that's bullshit.

I'm a bad guy, I'm a bad friend.
No.

The reason... I wasn't there for him.
No.

What?
I'm a bad friend.

You're not a bad friend.

You're not a bad friend.

It's just...

You can't handle his success
because you're not happy with

you own life.

You're not satisfied.

You're anxious and you're hungry
and you know, I mean, it's like,

it's show business,
it's a tough racket.

What does that guy want?

Flowers from poor people
the second he gets rich?

Screw that guy, I hated him.

But I don't like being...

I don't like the feeling that
I'm jealous, I don't like the

idea that I'm a jealous person.

So do something about it.

I don't want to
look at my...

I don't want to be
one of those...

What? Do what?

Just go get on TV, go get
a show and be a star.

It's that simple, right?

Yes, it is exactly that simple.

No, it... Okay,
I'll go get a TV show.

Yes.
Okay?

Look, that guy is not special.

He used to wash dishes, okay?

And he's some nebbish
southwest Jew, you're a...

I-don't-know-what
from wherever,

none of you guys
are special or magical,

some of you are luckier and some
of you work harder than others.

So you have to decide.

You just gotta decide
to go on TV, get a show,

be a star and then you and your
friend can go lick each other's

balls and leave
everybody alone already.

Oh, that's the face.

Don't make the face!

Don't make the face!

Oh, God.

Okay.

All right, big guy.

All right, that's nice.

Um, you want a plate
of jelly with a spoon?

Is that what your kind eat?

People?

Should we have some Bulleit?

Yes.

Let's have some Bulleit.

What?

I love you.

Yeah?

Yeah, I love you.

Okay.

That's...

I...

Pamela.

I love you.

Yes, I heard, I heard it.

So say something.

I love you.

I...

Something people.

Pamela.

Pamela.

Stop, stop.

Stop?

Yeah, stop...

Trying to have sex
with me to avoid me.

Oh, my God, what do you want?

I want what couples say.

I want you to say things to
me, like that you love me

and you're my girlfriend

and I want you to kiss me
and put your face on mine

and stare at me.

Ew.

See, you can't do it.

No, I don't want to do it.

Why?

Because it's gross
and disgusting.

Feelings are?

Yes.

Yes.

Feelings are gross and boring
and rude and too private

and yuck!

Do you hear yourself right now?

Yes, I hear myself
perfectly well.

Wait, hang on.

Testing.

One, two?

Am I coming in clear?

Am I coming...

Yes, all good here.

You're an asshole, you're an asshole.
Can you hear you right now?

You're an asshole.

I'm...

What.

You're an asshole.

You're an asshole.

I don't like you right now.

I don't like you right now.

Oh.

No.

Women.

(cell phone buzzing)

Hello?

(Pamela) It's Pamela.

Yeah, I know, stupid, everybody
knows who everybody is now,

'cause it's...

(Pamela) Hey!

What?

Come back here.

Come back right now, okay?

Okay.

Okay, I'm coming.

Hello?

Pamela?

Hello?

(Pamela) In here!

(Louie) Here?

Are you in there?

(Pamela) Yes.

Come in here, please.

(Louie) Okay.

Hi.

Hi.

Remember?

Yeah.

Take your clothes
off and get in.

Come on.

What's wrong?

I...

I just...

You don't wanna
take your shirt off?

Well, I never did yet with you.

I've never...

You've never seen me
with my shirt off.

I very strategically always had
it on whenever we did anything

and I...

Louie, that's your body.

Don't be ashamed, you should be
proud, Papa, you're a big bear.

You're awesome.

Come on, off with the shirt.

Okay.

Oh, no!

Oh, forget it.

Forget it.

I am kidding,
I'm kidding, seriously.

I'm kidding, Louie.

Seriously.

I want you to get in.

You're turning me on.

I'm totally wet right now.

Okay, I see where this is going,
forget the whole thing.

No, no, no, no!

I'm just playing,
I'm just playing.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please.

Please, Louie.

Please, I want you to
get into this tub with me.

- Okay, now, really get in or put some pants on, 'cause holy shit.
- Yeah, okay, let's go.

Oh, God.

Okay.

My God!

Oh, no!

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Oops.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I'm sorry!

It's okay.

It's okay.

I mean, come on.

It's okay.

There's nothing left.

Doesn't this feel nice?

Yeah.

Come here, turn around.

Okay.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Okay.

Good?

Yeah.

Okay.

So, tell me something.

What?

Well, you like saying things and
talking about romantic feelings.

So...

Tell me about kissing.

Tell me about your first kiss.

My first kiss?

Like, the first time
I ever kissed a girl?

Sure.

Okay, well, her name was Laurie.

I was in eighth grade
and she was...

She was like an
upper-echelon social girl.

Like, I was not in her world.

And one day, I'm at my locker,
and she walked right up to me

and she goes...

She said, "Plant one
right here, big guy."

Ooh.

And I didn't know what to say.

And then she kissed me
right on the mouth.

And then she walks
away over to her friends.

And they all start
laughing and she goes, "bleh!"

It was a dare.

Aw, Louie!

No, I don't care,
I got to kiss Laurie Presser.

I mean, I wish they dared her
to suck my dick, I don't care.

I got to kiss her.

I don't need a
person to like it.

Tell me about you, tell
me about your first kiss.

Well, I was supposed to kiss
this kid Jeff Choadler, because

this girl Dina who told
everybody their business

all the time said,

"You're gonna kiss
Jeff at the dance."

And then later, I'm in the
cafeteria and this boy I like,

Mark, said,

"Hey, I hear you're
gonna kiss Choadler."

And I said, "Don't
talk about me."

And he laughed in my face.

So I took all the
food that was on my tray

and I shoved it in his face

and then he hit the ground
and I just started pummeling him

and his girlfriend came over

and she ripped out
a chunk of my hair

and the principal
walked me home.

It was gnarly.

That's your first kiss?

Yeah.

Listen.

I know you want me to say things

and act a way.

And it's not that
I don't feel certain...

Ugh.

Look, I want to do what you
want, but I just can't.

There's some
things I just can't do.

So... is it okay...
that we're here?

I want to be here.

We're in a tub.

We like each other.

Can this just be okay?