Louie (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 10 - Pamela: Part 1 - full transcript

So you-- you took a chance

on being happy, even though
you knew that later on

you would be sad.

Yeah.

And now... you're sad.

Yeah.

So...

What, what, what's the problem?

I'm too sad.

Look, I...

I liked the feeling of being in
love with her, I liked it.



But now she's gone
and I miss her and it sucks.

And I didn't think it
was gonna be this bad,

and I feel like,
why even be happy,

if it's just gonna lead to this?

It's wasn't-- it wasn't
worth it.

Boy, misery is wasted
on the miserable.

What?

You know, I'm not...

...entirely sure what
your name is,

but you are a classic idiot.

You think spending time with
her, kissing her,

having fun with her, you think
that's what it was all about?

That was love?

Yeah.



This is love, missing her.

Because she's gone,

wanting to die,
you're... so lucky.

You're like a walking poem.

Would you rather be some
kind of a... a fantasy?

Some kind of
a, a, a Disney ride?

Is that what you want?

Don't you see, this
is the good part.

This is what you've been
digging for all this time.

Now you finally have it
in your hand,

this sweet nugget of love.

Sweet, sad love and you
wanna throw it away.

You've got it all wrong.

I thought this was the bad part.

No!

The bad part is when
you forget her.

When you don't care about her.

When you don't
care about anything.

The bad part is coming
so enjoy the heartbreak

while you can, for God sakes.

Pick-- here, pick, pick up
the dog poop, would you please?

Lucky son of a bitch,

I haven't had my heart
broken since Marilyn

walked out on me since
I was... I was 35 years old.

What I would give to have
that feeling again.

You know?

I'm not really sure what
your name is but you,

you may be

the single most boring person

I have ever met.

No offense, give me
my dog, come here.

You, you, you've, uh...

Don't fall down.

Look, um, look, the last
time that I saw you,

you told me that you

were interested
in maybe pursuing

like a guy, girl thing with...

Well, so, I was
thinking about it.

And, uh--

Oh...

Oh, so the, the thing
with that lady,

it didn't work out and now
you've come sniffing around me.

Is that the basic outline
of... this thing here?

Yeah, that's basically it.

Well, sorry.

Ticket's no longer available.

That ship has sailed,
the option is closed.

But you said that
I got under your skin

and that you were
thinking of us--

Yeah, that was before,
and you didn't bite.

The cookie is gone.

Jesus, why are you
so mean to me?

Why do you like it?

Okay, okay.

But you said--

Oh.

Oh, yeah, you better get that.

Maybe it's your balls calling
from wherever they went.

Heh-heh.

Shut up.

Hello?

Hi, Mrs. Frame.

Okay, that's fine.

Oh-- what, you--

Yeah, but you s--

Oh.

Yeah, I mean, thanks
for letting me know.

Yeah.

Great, great.

What?

My-- my babysitter just
cancelled.

I have two shows tonight
and I have the kids.

So, I'll watch your girls,
go do your shows.

Are you being serious?

Yeah.

No problem.
Thank you, thank you.

I don't give
a shit who he is.

He stole from us and now
he's out there working?

That's not gonna fly.

That's what I said.
I'm not tolerating it.

So what are you gonna do?

He's -- dead, that's
what I'm doing.

You wanna go that way?

Yeah, I wanna go that way.

He's dead.

Who do you wanna--
I'll do it myself.

Meet me there
at 12:00 and, uh,

you can help me get rid of him.

Your face!
Shut up, shut up, Jesus!

Oh!

How many people here--
okay, by applause,

think that you are going--
if you're going to heaven,

applaud if you think
you're going to heaven, anybody?

Couple of people-- few people.

Yeah, you think
you're going to heaven?

How old, how old are you?

28.
You're 28

and already...
you're a lock for heaven,

you're totally--
already at 28.

You've done enough good in your
ten adult years

that you couldn't possibly make
a mistake that's gonna--

Oh, no, that's--
well, enjoy it.

I hope you like-- I don't think
there's a heaven.

I think there may be a God

but I don't think
there's a heaven.

I think that's the best news
you're gonna get.

When this is over,
is you-- hey, God?

And He's like, "Yup."

And you're like,
"Where's heaven?"

And He's like, "I don't know
who told you that shit.

"That's crazy.

"What, you think
I made a whole universe

"and then a whole
other amazing place

"forever after that?

How much do you
want from me?!"

"So where do I go?"

"Just stand in this room."

"I don't like it."
"How do you think I feel?

I've been here
since 1982."

I like the idea that there is
a God but only since 1982.

Like, He started in 1982.

And what did He even do?

The "Back to the Future" movies,
uh, He worked on those.

Otherwise, He's been
pretty much the same.

I don't know if there is a God.

That's all I think you
can say, honestly.

I mean, you could say there is
a God if you believe in it.

That's-- you could just get to
say it 'cause you believe it.

You can't argue with
somebody's beliefs.

"I believe in God."

"No, you don't."

"Yes."

I mean, it's faith, it's not
science, it's faith.

I envy people who have faith,

that wake up in the morning
and there He is.

They're like, "Ooh, hi!

That's so nice that
you came again today."

He's always there.

I don't have that,
I wake up and there's nobody.

It's just my bad breath
and my garlic penis.

It's-- it used to be
at least a boner that--

all right, let's get going.

But it's just....

So...

But I don't think you can say
that there's no God, uh,

'cause that
takes a lot of--

boy, that takes a lot
of confidence

to say, "Nope, there's no--
definitely not a God."

"How do you know?"

"Just 'cause, uh...

"doesn't seem like there's one.

So... uh, there's
not one."

How can a human being
think that they know

that there isn't anything?

I mean, you're a human--

you can see for
a hundred yards, tops.

How could you possibly know...

God might be right behind you
all the time, just like...

I think if there is a God,
it's probably not the one

the way they
describe Him in the Bible.

They say He's our father
and we're his children.

That's a weird story.

He's our father
and we're His children.

Where is our mother?

How could we--
how could we not--

what did He do to our mom?

Something happened.

Somewhere in heaven
there's a porch

with a dead lady under it.

I think, I think, God-- it was,
uh, if there is a God,

I'd-- at the-- at
the least, he has an ex-wife.

Maybe that's what it is,
God's divorced.

And it's a-- we're in-- like,
this is our weekend with God.

It feel like a long time,

but this is just our
weekend with Dad,

and then he's gonna
take us to Mom's apartment.

And she's gonna be sitting
there kind of nervous.

"I made you a cheese sandwich."

And we're like,
"I don't know you, bitch."

I think that, uh,
I think that we made God a man

because we wanted men to be in
charge, so it made sense.

'Cause it doesn't make
sense that men are in charge.

It makes sense that women
would be in charge.

Because your mom is the first
person who takes care of you.

So how-- you'd have-- it would
just make sense that mothers

would run the world, and, uh,
they don't-- it's the opposite.

So we have this weird system of,
uh, you know, men being--

It's kind of upside down.

I think the reason is
'cause women were in charge

long time ago and they were
really mean.

They were horrible.

And they would--
you had to walk around naked

and they'd flick your penis
and laugh at you.

So we're so scared of them.

And then finally, one guy
punched a woman

and she was like, "Whaa!"

And he's like,
"We can hit them!"

And then that was it.

That was it.

And so now

we're so afraid
of women, that's why--

'cause women are really kept
down, uh, even today.

Uh, a lot of people like to
argue that things are equal,

but they're really not.

And American history hasn't
been kind to women.

Women couldn't vote till
1920, how crazy is that?

Do you know who
the first President is...

that women voted for?

It was Mike Chapritemps,
I don't know.

Uh, I have no idea, but, uh...

They couldn't vote till 1920

which means America
wasn't really

a democracy until 1920.

You can't call it a democracy

if the whole sex
of women can't vote.

That's-- Jimmy Carter would not
sanction that election.

That you would
let zero women vote.

That means American democracy is
really 93 years old.

That's really how old it is.

There are people in my building
older than American democracy.

Women-- until recently, a woman
was just her husband's property.

Her name was Mrs. Fred Johnson.

That's what a woman's name was.

Not even Lori Johnson.

She was
Mrs. Fred Johnson.

Like, "What's your name?"

"Fred Johnson fucks me
occasionally."

"Really, that's, that's..."

"Yeah."

Guys used to-- a lot of guys
still beat their wives.

At least now it's frowned upon.

And really, that's about it,
just, hmm, just frowning.

That's what we do about it.

But it was so okay to beat your
wife until so recently,

that there's a kind
of shirt named after it.

We have a kind of shirt

that we affectionately nicknamed

after beating the shit out of
your helpless, captive wife.

And everybody uses this name.

I was watching
"Good Morning America."

This cute woman was like,

"So I was wearing
a wife beater."

Stop saying it like it doesn't
mean anything.

"I was wearing a wife beater
and child murder shorts.

And I looked so cute!"

I told him, I said this is--

this is the last time I will
allow that to happen,

'cause I'm not--

I'm not born to sit there
and listen to that.

Sit there and lie, you know?

That's not why I'm here.

And, and, and I got two weeks to
get it straight, two weeks.

That's, that's like... it's
practically impossible.

You gotta line everything up.

And then-- that's
the last time, I told him.

I said, "That's it,
that's it."

Last straw, you know?

You know, 25 percent of
them are liars,

that is a scientific fact.

They're liars, there's
no reason to believe

anything they tell you.

I'm gonna look out for my
own interests.

That's what makes sense to me.

You know, I mean, you know, I'm
not gonna sit there

and let them keep
talking to me like that

and lying to everybody, right?

I'm gonna, you know-- there's
only so much I can take.

They pushed me too far.

And too far is too far.

Please don't start
jerking off, I'm awake.

Um...

Hey.

Um, was everything
okay with the kids?

No, they're both dead.

I'll see you later.

Okay, well...

Your kids are great, by the way.

They're both better than...
Jesus.

Well, I--

No, no, stupid.
All right, I'm sorry.

Listen, I, uh...

What are you coming ov--?

Look, no, no,
it's oh-- I just...

Okay, well, bye, now.

Pamela.

No, bye-bye.

Bye, now.

Pamela.

Louie--
I just wanna--

I'm really late for...

not being in here right now.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
look, listen, I'm, I'm--

What, no, no-no-no!

Just--
No!

Come on, come on.

No.

Come on.
No.

Come on.

Just--

No, I don't like that.

I just--

Oh, my God!

This would be rape if you
weren't so stupid!

God, you can't even rape well.

Hey, listen to me-- hey.

Look at me.

Please?

You-- you said you
wanted to do something with me.

And I don't believe you
that the ship has sailed.

See? You want
to do some--

you wanna try something but you
don't... know-- you can't,

for some reason, you can't.

So I'm gonna take control.

And I'm gonna make
something happen.

You said you wanted to be--
do-- be in a thing.

Yeah, but does kissing
have to be in it?

Yeah, that's 'cause people,
that's a people-- do that.

People do that, okay?

I'm gonna-- I'm gonna
kiss you now.

Ew.

Okay, I'm gonna--
Maybe, I don't know.

I'm gonna do--
I'm gonna do it, okay?

Oh.

Okay.
Hurry up.

Here I go.

Okay.

Thank you for...
the that.

Sorry.

Okay, bye now.

Yes.

Okay, where are we now?

What?

Where are we?

On the bus.

Lily, you're gonna be taking
this bus alone soon.

You need to be aware.

What if the bus
broke down right now?

And you had to get off,
where would you be?

It didn't break down
so it's fine.

Just, please,
look out the window.

We're at 23rd Street.

Good.
So?

Okay, so... so what
street is your school on?

28.

28, okay, so if
you're at 23rd Street

and you have to
get to 28th Street...

Daddy, is Pamela lady
your girlfriend now?

What?

Is Pamela your girlfriend?

No.

But...

Who's gonna pick us up
from school today?

Your--

Your mom.

Daddy.
What?

Is Pamela your girlfriend now?

Listen, girls...

Okay, when you're with me...

Yeah?

And then you're with your mom,

and you talk about
when you were with me.

You want us to lie
to Mom about Pamela.

Jesus Christ, hey,
buddy, hey, hey!

Don't spit on the bus,
what's wrong with you?

Come on, shut up, man.

No, I won't, you're-- this is
a community bus, you don't spit.

I thought I said shut up, you
trying to disrespect me?

I-- yes, I am,
because you spit.

Stay over there, man.
I am over here and that's a disgusting...

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, what's the commotion
back there?!

Yo, this guy back here
spit on the bus, man.

Don't spit on my bus!