Louie (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 7 - Ikea/Piano Lesson - full transcript

Louie takes an awkward shopping trip with a female acquaintance, Louie gets some disturbing news from a different woman during a piano lesson, and Louie tries to make amends with an old friend.

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna die ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

Oh, shit.
Hi.

Hey, how you doing?

Hi, how are you?

How are you, Delores?

I wanted to talk to
you about something

regarding the time that you...



came to my apartment.

Hey.

Do you remember?
Yes, I...

Yes, I do.

Oh, Daddy.

Well, I'm having some
residual feelings

about what happened.

Oh, Daddy, I'm so sorry!

What kind of residual...

Have you told anyone
about what happened?

No, of course not.
Why not?

What?

I've been
talking about it a lot.

You have?
Yes.



In therapy.
Ah, okay.

I mean, um.

In fact, I wanted to
ask you for a favor.

What's that?

Will you come to
therapy with me?

You want me to come to
your therapist with...

Yeah, I have some things
to say to you

about what happened
and I would feel better

if it was in my therapist's presence.
Are you upset with me, or...

What...
Are you gonna do it or not?

I don't think so, Delores.

I don't think
I'm gonna do that.

I'll...

Well, can I ask for your
help with something else?

What?

This Sunday,
I want to rent a van

and I want to go to the IKEA
in New Jersey.

I need a lot of
stuff for my home right now

and Nelson's father isn't
paying much support.

Okay, so--
Will you come with me?

You want me to go to
IKEA with you?

If you go with me,

I promise to
give you a blow job.

Delores.
What?

You don't-- if you want
something from me,

you could just ask--
I'm not asking for charity from you.

I don't need your help.

I'm just saying,
if you offer it,

I'll suck your dick.

Hi, Meredith, how you doing?

It's nice to see you.

I think this rug will
fit in Nelson's room but.

I don't know about the color.

It would be a lot more help
if you would participate.

How do you want me
to participate?

You know, it really burns me
that you need me to tell you

how to be helpful.

It's harder than doing
everything myself and.

It's insulting, really.

Hey, Delores, if you need
something, just ask for it,

don't make me read your mind.

Oh, thank you.

Thanks for answering
my request for help

by making fun of me.

I'm not making fun of you.

What is your problem?

I'm trying-- What--
What's your problem?

I don't have a problem,
I have a lot of stuff

that I have to accomplish.

Let's not let that
happen to us.

Okay, hossenfeffer.

I'm gonna pry it out of you--
I'm not--

You're not prying it out of me.

I'll tell you.

If you wanna know what I think
of the rug, I'll tell you.

It's fine.

"It's fine," that's it?

That's your opinion, that's
all you have to offer?

It's a rug!

It's fine.

That's the level of passion
that a rug warrants.

It's a rug, it doesn't
solve all of my problems.

But it doesn't make me angry.

It's a rug--
it doesn't smell bad,

it's flat, it's blue,
it goes on the floor.

It's not coated with AIDS

and it's not a portal
to a nether place.

It's-- it's-- it doesn't
make me come, but it's fine.

Ah, Delore.

Jesus.

Hey.

All right, I'm sorry.

Okay, all right, okay.

Okay, it's all right.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

All right.

I owe you a blow job.

You know what,
don't worry about it.

No, I owe it to you.

I prefer to stick to
our arrangement.

Okay, well, you can
just owe it to me, okay?

So...

notify me when you
want me to...

suck it.

Okay.

Maybe I should have
gotten two of those chairs.

You mean the rattan chairs?
Mm-hmm.

No, no, no.

The painted ones are good,

they're gonna be better
for your space,

they'll be more practical.

You did good.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi!

Hi.
Hi!

You must be Doris.
Yes, hi, you're Louie?

That's me.
Hello.

Nice to meet you.
Uh, so, um.

Well...

Can I get you
something to drink?

- No, oh, no, I'm fine, I've got
my own water right here. - Okay.

Well, this is my-- this is my piano.
Oh, all right, great.

So should we.
Yeah.

No, no, can I ask what made you

wanna decide to take
piano lessons?

You told me on the phone
that this is your first time.

Oh, yeah, well, it's kind of
weird 'cause I'm 44, right,

and most people
probably don't start--

No, that's great, it's great.

Well-- okay, well, I bought
this piano for my kids

so they can learn

and neither of them wanted to.
Right.

And then I just decided,

you know, screw them, I'll learn piano.
Great.

I don't know.
Great.

So we're starting from scratch?

Yeah, from scratch.
Great.

Okay, well.

the thing to know about
the piano is that--

That was--
that was really nice.

Oh.
That's really good.

Well, you'll-- you'll
play like that soon enough.

But the piano is actually the...

...the soul and the heart of--
Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'll just ignore--
No, no, no, that's okay, you can get it.

Just one call, okay, thank you.
Yeah, it's okay.

Hello?

Hi.

So listen, either you
gave me the crabs

or I gave you
the crabs but anyway--

I have the crabs

and you were inside me last
week, so you got crabs too.

Uh. so...

Jesus!

You didn't feel itchy?

Yeah, but I thought it--

I thought it was
laundry detergent.

No. Crabs.

Uh.

So... fuck you
or sorry.

I don't know which one.

Bye.

Uh.

Are you okay?

Well, I got a little bit
of an emergency and I'm...

It's okay, it's gonna be okay but it's kind of--
Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's something I just need
to deal with right now,

so I don't think I can do this right now.
Oh, oh--

I'm really sorry but I really think I--
It's okay... okay.

I gotta ask you to go 'cause I gotta--
Oh, no, that's all right.

Can we just do this another time?
Sure, sure, sure, sure, no problem.

I'll pay you for today, I don't mean to--
No, no, no, no, no.

That's okay, that's okay.

I'm really sorry,
Doris, I just, uh...

Ahh!

Excuse me, uh...

Yes, can I help you?

Yeah, I have, uh,

I-- Crabs.

Can I--
Do you need the shampoo?

Yes.

I had it when I was younger,
so I remember

but I don't--
Do you have it?

Do you not have it?
Yeah, we keep it behind the counter.

It's nonprescription
but if we kept it out there,

nobody would ever pay for it.

Ah, okay.

Can I have it, please?
Yes.

Uh, I'm gonna have to
put it together for you.

It's a kit.
Great.

Excuse me.
Yes, can I help you?

I'd like to speak to
the pharmacist.

Um, what about?

Well, I got this
prescription here

but, um...

but I want to consult with him.

I didn't get my consultation.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, that's an antibiotic,

so if you just follow
the instructions,

you should be just fine.

Of course.

But I would like to speak with him.
Well...

I need a consultation.

Yes-- He's busy
at the moment.

Well, when can I speak to him?

What seems to be the problem?

Well, I wanna make sure
I'm taking it right.

Are you taking water with it?

Yes.
And food?

Yes, I've been
taking it with my meals.

And have you been
urinating regularly?

Well yes, I have.

How many times
did you urinate today?

Well, uh...

Three times, I urinated
three times today.

Did you have
a bowel movement today?

Yes, I did,
I had a bowel movement!

What was it like?

Was it soft?

Was it hard?

Or was your
bowel movement normal?

Well, it was perhaps
a little soft

but it was mostly normal.

You should be fine.

Thank you.

There you go.

Ugh.

And the winner of my house,
and the 17 $40 prize.

It's time for "Retro Comedy Showcase!"

And now, the '80s.

First up, Louie CK.

Thank you very much!

My name is Louie.

I have red hair,

which means I can't
go to the beach

because I don't really tan,

I just kind of burst
into flames.

So I live in New York City.

New York is a-- is a--
it's the only city

I've ever been where you
actually have to say things

like, "Hey, that's mine,
don't pee on that."

But, uh...

Thank you very much, you've
been a pleasure, good night!

Now it's time for
Sarah Silverman!

Hey, how are you doing?

Thank you very much,
it's really nice to be here.

You know, I was just back East
'cause my sister got married,

and it was really neat,

you know, they took each
other's last names.

They hyphenated it, you know?

So now my sister's name is:
Susan Silverman-Abromowitz.

They're thinking of just
shortening it to just:

Jews.

Ha-ha!

... the Jews,
they're good people.

Hey!

Hey, you gotta turn on the
Comedy channel right now.

Oh, no, why?

..best friend.
Oh, no!

Oh, no.
You look like my friend Debbie.

Oh, God.

You know what,
I think I look better now.

Yeah, you do, it's true.

It's sad, though, you know,
'cause we're not really

friends anymore, but...

"I was so cute
and I didn't know better."

It's a lot of those
kind of jokes.

"Did I say something?

I didn't even know
I said something."

Oh, pathological liar.

How are you?

I'm okay, I had a stupid day.

Why?

And now, Marc Maron!

Oh, my God, Marc Maron!

How you doing, folks,
all right?

Yeah!

Let's start a revolution,
what do you think?

That never happens
in this country.

All I know is, last year,

a million students rebelled
in China;

650,000 people in Romania;

a half a million
in East Germany--

I'm thinking to myself,

you couldn't get a half-million
Americans together

unless it was a really
good rock-'n'-roll show...

Look at him, he looks adorable.

... giving away beer.

I mean, if I came up to you
and I said, "Come!

"We must go to
the center of town

fight for freedom,
democracy and our rights!"

You would be like, "Tonight?

We rented 'Batman,' um..."

Are you still watching?

Yeah.

Are you okay?

It's weird to see him
right now.

Why?

I haven't talked to
Marc in ten years.

That's crazy-- what?

You guys never made up?

You guys were best friends
for years.

I know.

And then we had that thing
happen and it was--

it was really bad.

What even happened?

Well shit.

He...

Oh, my God.

What?

Oh...

Oh, my God.

Jesus, I've been--

I've been mad at Marc
for ten years.

You know, not actively

but I wrote him off

because he did this
really shitty thing to me

and I just--

he never apologized.

I was done with him.

And just now, I realized

that it was my fault.

Really?

Completely my fault.

I'm stunned.

I mean, I can't believe that
I ever blamed him for that.

And it was...

I was such an asshole.

Well, you grew up, Louie.

I mean, a lot's happened to you

in the past ten years,
and him too, I'm sure.

This is good, it's growth,
you should call him.

I don't know.

I don't even think
I have a good number

for him anymore.

I have it, Lou,
call him right now.

Okay, I will.

One second.

Hey, man.
Hi.

What's up?
How you doing?

Thank you for...
Okay.

I really appreciate you
having me over.

Yeah, I...

Of course.

You want to--
you want to sit down, or...

Sure.

There's fine.

What's up, man?

Hey, uh, listen,
thank you, uh..

This is kind of
hard to say, okay?

I-- okay, look.

You know we had that
fight, like, ten years ago?

I-- I held that against you
for ten years

and that's--

that's hard to
even say because--

Okay, I mean,
from my point of view,

it's always been that you did
something really...

really wrong to me

and then you just
refused... that--

I mean, that's the way that
I looked at it, you know?

And, uh.

So the other day, I was
thinking about it again,

I guess I hadn't really thought
about it for a long time,

not in detail,

and I really went over it
in my head, you know,

I don't know why,

and I realized that it was
my fault, completely.

And it's like--
I was a total asshole to you

and I stopped being your friend

and I'm shocked now
when I think of it...

that I would ever have
thought it was

anything that you did.

You did nothing
and I-- and I--

I know that now

and I don't know how to--
how to, uh... look back--

you know, you look back
at your actions and.

Man, I don't know--

I don't know if this
has any meaning

or worth to
you and I don't--

Maybe this is just more
of me being selfish,

but I just wanna
say, Marc, that I'm sorry

and I wish that, uh.

Well, I don't know
what else to say.

Okay, is--
is that it, or.

Yeah, I guess so.

All right, well,
I appreciate that,

but I guess you don't remember,

but you came over
here five years ago

and said the exact same thing.

I did?

Yeah.

I mean, you cried that time.

You didn't cry this time,
so that's--

I guess that's something.

Shit, I kind of remember that now.
Yeah.

Well, look,
I accepted that time,

I don't know, this time--
whatever.

I don't know what-- what--

do you need something from me,
do you want--

No, no.

I'm sorry.

Okay, again?

All right.
Okay, I'm.

Okay.
Okay.

We good then, are we...
Yeah, yeah, man, okay, I'm sorry.

Okay, all right.

Uh...
It's all right.

I mean, you know, it happens.
Shit.

Yeah... you know.
All right.

All right, well...

I really am sorry,
though, just so you know.

Okay.

Okay, I get it, it's okay.

You know what would be
really great, though?

If maybe you call me up,
you ask me for coffee,

we go out to dinner--
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Something like that?
Yeah, we'll do that.

Okay, great.

Or we can just do this again
in five years.

Okay, man.
It's all right.

Okay.
All right, all right, okay.

How you been?
Good, man.

That's very nice
for you to ask.

Okay... okay?
All right, yeah.

All right.

Jesus.

Jon Manfrellotti, folks.

The guy who wrote "Kumbaya,"
Mr. Jon Manfrellotti.

Oh, that's so sad.

Why sad?

Because he died.

No, he didn't.

He didn't die?

No, he's completely alive.

He's doing really well, he
writes for "Family Guy."

Phew.

Felt good being sad
for somebody.

Who else died?

Richard Nixon.

Aww.

Singing "Mack the Knife,"
you remember.

We also have the heavy metal
country western band

after that.

"Jed Zeppelin."

So, uh, please...
pace yourself.

Gonna be all on a slow ship.