Louie (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 6 - Barney/Never - full transcript

( wind whistling )

( wind whistling )

Thank you.

♪ Life seems lonely ♪

♪ And I'm by myself again ♪

♪ There's no use ♪

♪ In trying to
pretend... ♪

May I join you?

Of course, please.

Robin.
I'm Louie.

Yeah, I know.
Oh, it's nice to meet you.



You too.

Can I have a cup of coffee?

So... you knew Barney?

Yeah, sure.

Were you close?

Um, well...

I, uh, I worked at the club.

Oh, the Laugh Circuit.
Yeah.

And what did you--
you were close to him?

Were you...
I knew him.

Did you-- were you--

was he a friend of yours
or just. J..

He was my ex-wife's
brother-in-law.

So... he was
important to you.



I'm pretty sure that Barney

was the biggest piece
of shit I ever knew.

Oh, yeah.

He was to me.

( exhaling )
( laughing )

I mean, he was
the worst guy ever maybe.

Oh, yeah, I hated him.
Right?

Yeah.
You hated him?

Oh.
Hated him.

A prick.

He was a prick and an asshole.

Hated him.
Oh...

All the comics hated him.

Serious?
Yep.

He underpaid.

He bounced checks.

He, uh, lied.

Just mean.

You know, I knew that nobody
would be there today.

Oh, God, yeah.

And I-- like when he--

This is weird, 'cause when
he died, I felt nothing.

Ditto.
I didn't care.

But I knew...

when I pictured him
going in the ground

and nobody's there,
he's alone...

it gave me nightmares.

Me too.

I was married to
his wife's sister.

I put money into that club.

You did?
About a half-million dollars.

And on top of that, he stole
another 100 grand from me.

Jesus, really?
Oh, yeah.

And I couldn't go after him.

You know, what can I do?

He's family, so I had to...
let it go.

And then here's the worst part.

He kept wanting to be pals
with me, y'know, hang out.

He wouldn't let it go.

He bought a boat with
the money he stole from me.

He kept wanting me to
go out on the boat.

Out on the boat that
he bought with money

he stole from you?
Oh, yeah.

That's amazing.

You know,
the thing about him is,

he wanted everybody
to like him,

even when he was killing them.
That was the thing with that guy.

He was like
that with everybody.

I mean, he-- he begged comics
to hang out with him.

He'd mistreat us

but then after
the show he'd go,

"Hey, uh, where are we going?

"Come on, let's hang out.

"Where do you want to go?

"Come on, fellas.

"Let's get in the limo.

Let's go to the strip club."
The strip club.

The strip club.

Right.

What was the name
of the place by

the Brooklyn-Battery Tunnel?

Sweet Charity.
Sweet Charity.

Every time I came to town,
he kept wanting me to

go down there with him.

He'd go, "Hey, Robbie,
you gotta come down

"and check out the tits
on this new Chilean broad

down at Sweet Charity."

( laughing )

He begged
everybody to go there.

Did you ever go there with him?
No, not once.

Never?
Never.

I never went there, either.
No.

I don't know anybody who
went to that club with him.

Not one time.
No...

( rock music blaring )

( man ) Gentleman,
for the next two minutes,

all lap dances are two for $20.

Right now,
for your viewing pleasure,

on the main stage we have
Amber Dambra

and Supa-Loosa.

Let's get those dollars flying
and those drinks flowing.

You want a dance?

Uh, no thank you.

You?

Oh, no, no thank you.

Thank you very much.
( sighing )

Want a double dance?

No thank you--
thank you.

Yeah, thanks a lot.
I'm good.

So you don't want a dance?

No.
No, no.

We're-- not so much--
Then why are you here, then?

Well, uh...

We, uh, we...

A friend of ours, uh, uh, died.

Who died?

Just a guy that we knew
who used to come here, so.

I've been working here
for ten years.

Who was he?

Barney Ross.

Barney Ross?

Wait, I don't understand.

Barney Ross is dead.

Barney.

I'm sorry.

Come here.

♪ Sister Christian ♪

♪ Oh the time has come ♪

♪ And you know that
you're the only one ♪

♪ To say... ♪

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
I'm sorry to interrupt

the festivities here
at Sweet Charity for a moment

but we need to pay tribute
right now

to a man...

quite frankly, we all loved...

who had passed away.

A good man, a generous man.

Barney Ross.

Barney...

this one's for you, buddy.

♪ Motorin' ♪

♪ What's your
price for flight? ♪

♪ In finding Mister Right ♪

♪ You'll be all right tonight ♪

♪ Babe you know you're
growing up so fast ♪

♪ And Mama's worryin' that
you won't last ♪

♪ To say... ♪

♪ Sister Christian
there's so much in life ♪

( laughing )

Oh.

Hey, man, it was
nice to meet you.

Same.
See ya.

Hey, can you do me a favor?
Yeah.

If...

Oh, I'll go to yours.
Yeah.

Will you...
Whoever dies first.

Okay, good.

Take care, pal.
Good to see ya, take care.

Come on, baby.

Are we gonna go get Jane now?

No, she's with your mom today.
Good.

I want an alone day with you.
Oh, nice.

Me too.
What do you want to do?

You want to get something to eat?
I don't know.

Hang out?

Whatever you want--
Louie...

I wonder if I could
ask you for a favor.

Sure, what's up?

I have an emergency
situation and I need--

I'm wondering if you could
watch Never for me,

maybe bring him
home for a play date

and I can pick him up later.

Sure, you have an emergency?

What's wrong?

I'm having my vagina removed.

I'm sorry.

No, it's elective.

I've chosen to have it removed.

But I have a consultation

and they could
only do it today.

Right.

I have to do it now
to stay on schedule.

I want to get rid of my
vagina before Easter.

Okay, so you need--

you need me to watch Never
while you do that?

Yes, could you please?

I know we're not friends

but you're the only person
at this school

that I feel I can
confide in or trust.

( Lilly ) Daddy?
What?

What?
Daddy, I don't want a play date with Never.

Baby, don't do that.

Her mother needs our help.

But, Daddy!
No, no-- shh.

I'm sorry.

Okay, so you need me
to watch Never

and then you go and...

Yes!
Okay.

That's--
we'll be happy to have him

and just call me after
your thing.

Thank you.
Sure.

Oh, also, I need you to know

that I don't say "no" to him.

And he can't eat
anything with carbon in it.

Carbon?

It's all from China.

Right.

Do you have any food
at your house?

Yeah, yeah,
we got plenty of food.

We'll, uh...

Daddy?
Baby, come here.

Look.
Daddy, I really don't want to play with him.

I know, but his mom
needs our help.

( woman screaming )

( horns honking )

( tires screeching )

Holy shit!
Run, run!

Get out of here!
Move, move!

Get out of here!

( sighing )

All right, gang.

So what do we want to do?

We wanna...
( door slamming )

You hungry?

Okay, come on.

Carbon.

Listen, um, Never,

your mom told me that
you can't eat anything

that has carbon in it.

And I-- I, frankly,
I don't know what that means.

So I'm going to need some
guidance from you, okay?

Okay.

Let's see.

How about...
a peanut butter sandwich?

I can't have that.

Is it the peanuts
or the bread or what's the...

I can't.

My mom says I'll die.

That's pretty serious.

Do you have an allergy?

She says I'll die.

Okay.

How about some eggs?

I'll make you some eggs.

Carrots?
I hate carrots.

You want an apple?
I'll die.

All right, listen, Never.

I know your mom says these things to you--
That.

I can have that.

A burger.

Want me to make you a burger?

I can't have it cooked.

Just the meat.

You want to eat it raw?
In a bowl.

I have that a lot--
I like it.

You want me to give you
raw meat in a bowl?

Your mother gives you that?
Yes.

All right, you got it, killer.

( cell phone ringing )

Oh, sorry.

Hello?

Hey, Louie, it's Doug.

Hey, Doug.

Hey, can you do a radio
interview in a few minutes?

Uh, what for?

Um, you're playing
Kansas City in two weeks

and ticket sales are
a little soft.

Oh, man, I told you not to
book me in Kansas City.

I-- I--
They hate me there.

I got you a live interview on
a major market station

which should really help.

You want me to-- you want
me to do radio right now?

It's not even drive time.

Doesn't matter, the economy's
really bad in KC.

Nobody's at work anyway.

The radio ratings have been
much higher in the afternoons.

Yeah, but, Doug,
I hate doing radio shows.

There's always some idiot
and his idiot friend.

I know, I know.

But spend ten minutes
with these guys

and you'll make
way more money next week.

It's worth it.
Can we just book me in, like, a...

a city where
people want to see me

without having to listen to
some high-energy--

Hey, I'm just telling you the
economics of the situation.

I don't want you
to go to Kansas City

and not make any money.

Okay.

All right, I'll do it.

I'm having them call you
in 15 minutes.

Okay.

All right, talk to you later.

Bye.

These guys, it's crazy.

Never?

Did you just throw
my rug out the window?

So?

Hey, that's my rug!

Hey, that's--
that's my rug!

Listen, I have an important
phone call to make

so I need something that you
can do while I'm doing that.

Can I play with Lilly?

She's not into it.

You want to watch some TV?

My mom doesn't allow it.

Okay, but you're not
with your mom.

You're with me and I say it's okay.
It's not appropriate.

All right, well,
what do you want to do?

Can you give me a bath?

You want to take a bath?

I want you to give me
a bath and wash me.

That's not gonna happen.
Why?

Because that's not appropriate.

Why?

Look, you can take a bath

but you got to
do it by yourself, okay?

Okay.

All right, come on.

Okay.

All right, Never,
I'm gonna leave you to it.

And I'm gonna ask you
that you just

don't wreck anything.

If you could just
sit peaceful in this tub

while I'm on the phone.

All right, look,
if you can keep it cool

while I'm on the phone,

I'll give you another
bowl of meat, okay?

Okay.
All right.

Good luck.
( cell phone ringing )

Oh, there's my call.

Hello?

( man ) Hi, is this Louie?

Yeah.

I'm Jeff, I produce the show.

We're gonna have you on the
air in one minute, okay?

Okay.

Okay, you'll be on with
Tracer, Pig

and The Hole is Diane.

The Hole?

You're gonna hear
some music right now

and then you'll be on
with the guys.

Just sit tight, thanks.
Okay, thank you.

( man ) That's better, Di!

Coming down, Chow Down!

( man )
That's what the back says!

( woman ) Don't!
It's the "MamaJamJamSound."

We've got Louis CK on the line.

Hi.

All right.
Hi, Louie.

Hi.

Hey, thanks for
coming on "Chow Down."

We've gotta take time.

Take time.

Well, thank you for having me.

Louie CK
is all-time funny-funny.

Ah, he's funny.

And just "jammy"
he's going to be at

the Stanford and Son
Comedy Club

next week, from Thursday
through Saturday night.

That's right.

So, Louie, hey, what do you
think of the whole

"clammy down chow" thing

going down at the "rowdy down"?

I wouldn't want to be that guy,
you know, he sounds like

he's in a lot of trouble.

Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, my God!

That's a "cramadiga."

( speaking gibberish )

Ah, Pig, shut up!

Wow, that's a "cramalaco."

Aye-ya-ya!

And what about the guy on
the cover of the "Cham Dow"?

He might be a little chatty.

Ah, well, you know,
maybe, right?

Ha-ha.

Louie CK.
Ah, that's so bad.

Louie CK is going to be at the
Stanford and Sons Comedy Club

Thursday through
Saturday night.

Louie!
Yeah?

You ever go to
"Dime-A-Dime Penny"?

Yeah, sure,
I'm a single guy-- why not?

Whoa!
Don't!

There goes
a loud "shebang."

I might wear a couple condoms, though.
Oh!

Louie CK, a dirty, dirty guy.

Louie, hey, what do you think

of the "bat-a-bomb"
about Kansas City?

Oh, Kansas City.

Well, I've been going there
to work the clubs

for the last ten years or so...

Uh-huh.

...and I'd have to say
Kansas City

is the worst town
I've ever been in.

I mean, what a dump, right?

It's got to be
the worst city in North America.

And that includes Mexico
and Canada.

Hello?

Okay, Louie CK, hey,
thanks for coming on the air.

Oh, okay, uh...

Hello?
( Lilly ) Daddy!

Daddy, something smells really
bad coming from the bathroom.

Oh, no.

Jesus!

Damn it.

Never, what...

What is that?

Oh.

Oh, my God.

I "diarrheaed" in the tub.

( Lilly ) Oh, my God!

Daddy, ew!

Okay, go, go,
get-- get out of here!

( Lilly ) That is so gross.

I "diarrheaed."
Uh-huh.

Okay, uh.

Uh, okay, we're gonna...

You're gonna...

Um, I'm gonna drain the tub.

Okay, you're gonna step out.

I'm gonna lay this down, okay?

Here's what we're gonna do...

( sighing )

Listen, Never, I don't--
I don't know what your deal is.

I know it's just you
and your mom.

I just want to--

I just want to say that
if you ever need to

talk about anything,

you know we see
each other in school,

so if you need to,
you can talk to me.

Talk about what?

Well, you know,
that's up to you.

It doesn't matter.

If you think of something
you need to talk about--

You might not.

I'm just saying.

You can talk to me.

Lilly doesn't like me.

Nope.

No, she does not.
Why?

Because you eat raw meat
and you shit in the tub

and you wreck everything.

And as long
as you act like that,

no one's going to like you.

No one's going to
want to be around you.

My mom says that any choice
I make is okay

because I love myself.

Your...

your mom is wrong.

I'm gonna tell her
you said that.

That's okay, you tell her.

I'll take the heat.

( knocking )

Oh, that's her, come on.

( wind whistling )

( speaking foreign language )

I told you before, man,
I don't--

I don't understand African.

( speaking foreign language )

Look, I don't understand what
the hell you're talking about.

If you want to talk to me,

talk to me with
useful stuff, okay?

Oops, I farted.
Okay?

See how cool that is?

All right,
all right, all right?

This dude right here is being
buried in an IKEA shelf.

Look at this dude,
man-- you kidding me?

Since you don't understand what
the hell I'm talking about,

I never go to the adult learning center

to learn African,
so I can come back to work

and be here to tell you that I don't want
to hear that African shit.

( speaking foreign language )

Eh?

I hate you.