Louie (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 5 - Daddy's Girlfriend: Part 2 - full transcript

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna die ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie... ♪

But I date now,
and I went on a date,

and I get nervous when I date,
I get very nervous.

I went on this date

and we went out to
dinner and all these things

and then I took her home
and she went inside

and then I farted
for the rest of my life.



I just...

farted for the rest of my life,

as soon as she was inside.

Young gorgeous women must have
the hardest time

and a lot of people
think they have advantages,

like, oh, if you're a pretty
girl, hey, you know, it's easy.

People buy you drinks.

Oh, wow, boy.

What is that,
a $16 savings every week?

Free drinks.

It must be so much
pressure to be,

like, a really cute young girl.

First of all,
you're smaller than most people,

you're adults,



and you're walking around
and there's just massive men,

like, three times your size
and they just--

Every single--

That's a lot to take on.

Someone else's cum fantasy.

Like, you--
he just looks at you

and you just feel, just, buckets
of cum hit you on the face.

Hey, hi.

Hi.
Hey.

What do you want to do?
Uh, I don't care.

I know a good bar, is that cool?
That's-- Yeah, sure.

Good night, Seymour.

My name's Roger.

What do you want to drink?

Uh, drink...

Honey, I'm not gonna
serve you two Jagers.

What?

Not after the last time
you were here.

I'm not gonna start you
off two-fisted with Jager.

I'm sorry.

How about a white wine?

Where are you--
You okay?

What...

What happened?

It's too crowded in there.

Yes, thank God.

I hate when it--

Places like that,
when they're all crowded.

Hey, let's not go to a bar.

Do you need to have a drink?

I don't want to.

Do you?
I'm fine with whatever.

Can we walk?
Sure.

Let's just walk!
Okay.

My favorite part of New York

is that you can just
walk and walk

and you'll never
run out of city.

Yeah, I love walking in
New York, I love it.

You do?
Yeah, sure.

Are you just saying that
because you're on a date

you wanna agree with me?
Totally, I hate walking.

See?
Don't do that.

Just tell me the truth.

I like to disagree.

Okay, well, then can we
get in a cab or go--

No!

I'm gonna make you walk.
Why, 'cause I'm fat?

Yes.

You're fat.

And I have no tits.

Let's be honest.

It's the only way I'll
continue this date with you.

Okay.

You're just gonna have to
keep up with me

because I reveal myself
very quickly to people.

I had a carcinoma when I was 14,
I was supposed to die.

You were supposed to die?
Yes!

Did somebody say it to you like that?
Someone-- Yes!

They said it like that?
Someone actually said that to me.

So you--
They said it like that?

I was in school, my parents
got a call from the doctors

telling them the diagnosis.

My mom...

lost her mind, she came into
the school to just pull me out.

I was walking from
home economics

to science class to see my mom
standing in the school office,

she's crying.

My father's sitting next
to her, he's not mad at her

and then this girl, this really
mean girl named Mandy Stewart,

she sees me, she comes
up to me and she says,

"Your mom is here because you're
supposed to die or something."

Oh, my God.

It doesn't sound like your
mom handled that

in the best possible way,

from a parenting point of view.

Y'know, beating that disease
wore me down to 70 pounds.

I had no hair,
my teeth fell out,

I was wearing dentures
by the time I was 15.

But the hardest part of it
was my mom,

dealing with my poor mom
and getting her through it.

I mean, I'd be...

puking and she'd
be kneeling next to me

on the bathroom floor, sobbing.

I mean, I'm literally puking
chemo vomit into a toilet

and patting my
poor mother on the back,

trying to comfort her.

I'm sorry I told you.

I tell everything.
No, it's okay.

I... I'm glad
you made it.

I'm just glad that you're okay.

Can we go to this vintage store?
All right.

So when I got healthy again,
I couldn't be in school.

And when you
go to hell and back

and you literally see death

come right into your face
like this

and it turns you into
a little gray skeleton--

I had one picture of me
from back then--

I made my dad take it.

I look like
an 80-year-old woman.

And then death, you know,
backs away into the mist

and...

all the sudden,
my body's accepting nutrients

and within a month,
I'm a healthy 15-year-old girl

with a cool punky haircut.

I mean, can you imagine?

No, I can't.

How do you sit and learn algebra
in a classroom, you know?

Why?

I never went back.

What did you do?
Oh, my God.

Look at this.

Will you try this on?

No.

Please.

Are you being serious right now?
Come on.

Wait a minute, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait...

Come on!

Try it on.

No.

And... why?

I don't know.

I really don't.

I've never asked a guy to do
anything like this.

I-- Maybe it's a test.

A test?
Yes.

Do you like me?

Yeah, I like you.

Well, what do you want to do?

Do you want to
say a list of things

you think might impress me

or do you want to try this on
and make me really like you,

just for having the guts?

Plus, I think it'll look
pretty on you.

Hey.

I'm not making fun of you,
I promise.

Come on.

I mean, this is kind of sexy,
isn't it?

Come on, try it on.

Grow some guts.

I'm gonna stand right here
and watch you.

Look...

I don't-- I don't care,
I'll try it on.

I'll do it.

Okay, step in.

Okay, turn around.

Okay, turn around.

Uh-huh.

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay, congratulations.

No, no, no.

Congratulations to you.

Because you are
officially great.

I'll wait for you outside.

Are you hungry?

Yeah, very.
Hey, let's not eat.

Stay hungry,
it'll sharpen your brain.

All right.

Can I ask you a question?

You-- What?

What is your name?

Oh, my God, we never did that.

My name is Louie, hi.

Louie.

Louie, Louie.
Yeah, that's right.

Okay.

What's your name?

Tape Recorder.

What?

My name is Tape Recorder.

My parents were fighting about
what to call me

and when I was born,
they still hadn't decided.

They just started
calling me that

as something to refer to me by

until they could think--
think of a better name.

They just never did.

Why-- why "Tape Recorder"?

I guess it was sitting on
my dad's desk...

and they were fighting

and he just pointed at it
and said,

"We're call
her that for now!"

So that's my name.

Wow, that is--
that's-- that's crazy.

That's-- Tape Recorder?

That's me.

I mean, do people call you
"Tape," or...

Is your name
really Tape Recorder?

Shit.

Man.
Wow.

You'll believe anything.
Why did you do that?

I didn't do anything.

I made a joke and you totally
took it seriously.

Wow.

I gotta be careful with you.

Come on, Tape Recorder,

let's go get something to eat.
Okay.

I know where to feed you.

What is this?

Is this good?
Hi.

This is amazing.

How are you?

Hi.

We're gonna try everything
that is your best.

Two of these Holland herring.

Listen.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Mmm, mmm.

Look at that, like space food.

It looks like outer space.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus.

Best thing I ever ate.
Mm-hmm.

Best thing I ever ate.

Mmm, mmm.

Give me that.
No.

Give me your...

This is so goddamn good.

I can't believe I've never
been to that place before.

Now aren't you glad now
that you never did?

Yeah, I am.

Have you ever been to North Dakota?
No.

Neither have I, but I want to go
to North Dakota

more than
anything in the world.

So why don't you go?

I'll never go, I just want to.

I want to keep desiring it.

I love to
pine for North Dakota.

I don't want to give that up
by going there.

Why did you do that?

Just...

a more humane version of
throwing it in the garbage.

'Cause you want to help him?

Yeah.

Then let's do it, let's help him.
What...

Come on, yeah.
Wait a minute.

I don't think a pickle's gonna do it, though.
I gave him a sandwich.

Hi, hi.
Oh, Jesus.

Hey, honey, how are ya?

Why are you sleeping out here?

It's cold out here.

Snakes.

Snakes?

Snakes.

Why did snakes
make you be here?

Why?

They crawl on my legs.

And the little ones
crawl on my hands.

And the human services lady

in Brooklyn got me that--
I had that job

and then they gave me these.

And I know the snakes
aren't real,

but I see 'em,
and I get scared and I start

screaming and I cut my hands
'cause they're on my hands,

but if take those,
they go away.

And then I lost my job,

I can't get 'em anymore
and the snakes come back

and I just can't be
around people.

Are these expensive?

Yeah, $30 for one pill.

Are you seeing snakes
right now?

There's a snake on my face?

They're not real.

There's no snake.

It's fine, you know,
there's no snake.

I'm just saying,
there's no snake in--

Okay, come on, buddy.

Got it.

Where are we--
where are we going?

Just come on.
Where are we going?

Come on, come on.
Come on, what are you--

- What are you doing, what are you doing,
what are you doing? - This is always open.

What are you doing?
Come on!

We can't just go in a building.

Hey, come on.

Okay, look...
you have to pace yourself.

It's a long way up, but I swear
to God, it's worth it.

Boy, what are we...
Just breathe.

One step at a time, okay?

How many stories is it?
I'm not telling you.

If I told you,
you wouldn't do it.

That's-- I'm not--
I'm not doing this.

Yes, you are.

Look, I'm 44 and I don't
exercise, okay?

I have clogged arteries.

Oh, wah, wah, wah.
Yeah, wah, wah, wah.

That's what I'm--
That's what I'm saying.

Let's do another thing, come on.
No, Louie.

You-- you put on
a dress tonight

and you saved a man's life

and you are going to do this.

Okay.

Come on!

One steps, two steps, breathe.

Okay, breathing.

One step...
Ohh...

Two steps.
Two steps.

I'm fat.
Breathe.

I'm fat.
No, you're not.

Going up stairs.
Two steps.

I'm going to die...
Breathe, breathe.

...by going up some stairs.
One step...

Oh, goddamn it, this is crazy.

Come on, come on.

We're not stopping now.

Step, breathe.

Step, breathe.

Step, breathe.

Step breathe.

Ahh!
Come on!

I gotta--
Just a second.

No!

No, no, no--
big mistake.

You gotta keep going.
I can't-- I'm not doing this.

I can't do this, I'm--
Do it!

Do it!

Get up, now!

I mean it!
You got it, kid.

Okay, we're going.
Step, breathe!

All right, sport, let's really do this.
Step, breathe.

Okay.
Good.

Okay.

Louie, we made it.

Look where we are.

Oh, my God.
It's worth it, right?

Not really.

Wow.

Oh...

Oh, that's not--

Hey, can you please not stand
there and come over here?

But this is the best part.

Please don't-- No, no, no, no.
Come on!

No, no, no,
please come away from there.

Please just-- please just
come away from there.

You can see everything from over here.
No, no, no, no, no.

Please don't sit like that,
don't-- don't--

Please don't,
please-- please--

That's--
Why?

What are you afraid of?
Can you just come--

Come on.
No, please, that's too close.

- No, no, no, please don't do
that, please don't do that. - Come on!

Please come away from there.

That's really upsetting me
right now,

I swear to God-- no, no, no,
please don't, please don't.

Do you know why you're scared?

Yeah, because falling
and it's high, so you'll die.

Please come to where
you can't fall.

I don't want you to fall.

I want you to come where
it's impossible

that falling can happen.

But the only way I'd fall
is if I jumped.

That's why you're afraid
to come over here.

Because a tiny
part of you wants to jump

because it would be so easy.

But I don't want to jump.

So I'm not afraid.

I would never do that.

I'm having too good of a time.

Let's go home, okay?
Okay.

My name is Liz.