Louie (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 12 - Late Show: Part 3 - full transcript

Daddy.

Yeah?

Why are you jogging?

Because I gotta lose 40 pounds.

40 pounds?
Yeah.

Why?

Well, if I want to get
this show, I need to...

I gotta change.

They want a skinnier person.

Daddy, but you're not skinnier.

Daddy, you're fat, Daddy.



Jane...

It's all right, it's true,
I'm a big guy.

You're not a big guy, you're fat.

All right, I got it.

Daddy.
Yeah?

If they want a skinny person,

why don't they just get
someone skinny?

Why do you have to change?

Daddy, I don't want you to change.

It's not really about
skinny or fat, it's just...

You know, if you want to get a
big thing in life, you...

you gotta make a big
effort, you gotta try hard,

you gotta do things
you're not used to doing.

I mean, also I gotta get
in shape because this job...



If I get this job, this is
gonna be hard.

This is gonna be
the hardest thing I ever did.

I'm gonna be doing five
shows a week every week.

Getting up early in the morning,

every single Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday,

doing shows, rehearsing and writing.

It's gonna be a grind.

But when will you see us?

I'll see you on weekends.

You know, girls, I may not
get this job.

Yeah, but you want this job, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, all right.

Yes.

No.

No.

No to that, too.

Yes.

All right.

No!

So you want to take over
for Letterman?

You want to host "Late Show" on CBS?

Yeah, that's...

Here's the thing with that, champ.

That's short for "champion. "

If you want to be a talk show host,

it's better if you're funny.

Now, there have been some
guys who were not funny.

Tom Snyder.

David Susskind.

Ted Koppel.

But funny is better.

Now, have you ever had any
experience with being funny?

Yeah, I'm a...
I'm a comedian.

You're a comedian?

I've known you for a week and
you haven't made me laugh once.

I had no idea you were a comedian.

I thought you were a newsman.

No, I'm not a newsman,
I'm a... I'm a comedian.

Jesus.

Well, all right, let's see it.

See what?

See the funny, make me laugh.

Go.

Go?

Go... funny.

Three, two, one...
and go!

I'm not that kind of funny.

What kind of funny?

The kind where you jut say
"go" and I'm funny.

All right, I think you'd
better leave my office.

Jack... Mr. Dahl, I...

Look, there's different
kinds of funny, right?

There's different kinds of performers.

I'm not that kind of performer.

Let me tell me what kind
of what you are.

You're whatever you have
to be to make people laugh.

Anytime, anywhere, anyone.

You turn it on a dime.

You get that belly moving, son,
or you're out.

Now tell the truth.

You're just scared, like a rookie.

You're like some kid at a talent show

with a number pinned to your shirt.

You got nothing
or you would have shown me now.

So get out.

Thank you, have a nice day.

Fine.

Look, I... I... I can't give
up on this.

I don't, uh...

This is either a door or a wall for me

and it's either
the beginning or the end.

I don't... Please.

Okay then...
let's see the funny.

Three, two, one, go!

Funny!

This is it, bud.

You want me to start at one and go up?

One, two, three, funny.

Okay, last chance and then
we're really done.

Done and done.

Let's go, kid, you want the big gig?

Let's see it.

Make me laugh at the count of three.

One...

Two...

You know what your problem is?

You're...

You're just a pencil...

penis...

parade.

Ooh, I'm...

Nyah!

You just bought yourself another week.

Go home and get some rest.

Please leave this room.

Sit down.

No, genius, sit in the host's chair,

for crying in a cup.

Okay, interviews.

We... What?

Conduct an interview!

There's nobody here.

Well, go get someone.

What?

Just a sec.

Jesus Christ.

This is Elaine.

She cleans here.

Have a seat, Elaine.

Please.

Okay.

Interviews.

Hello.

"Hello"?

You just introduced her!

You played a song, you
kissed her, she sat down!

"Hello... " what is that?

Uh... how are you?

How is she?

Find out, ask a question.

I can't...
Ask!

If you would stop yelling
at me, maybe I'd do it right.

If you did it right, I
wouldn't have to yell at you.

Interview.

Go!

Uh...

Tell me about your parents.

Oh, well, my mother was
actually dancer.

Really?

What kind of dancer was she?

She was in the ballet.

Really?

Did she dance around the house a lot?

I don't know.

I don't remember much.

She died when I was eight.

Oh, this is terrific, just wonderful.

Tune in every night, folks!

It's the crying cleaning lady show.

Okay.

Good evening, okay, hi!

Shit.

Good evening.

Asshole!

Shit, cock.

Dick, dick, ass, shit.

Tits.

Okay.

Okay...

Funny in three, two...

Hey.
Daddy.

What's up, everybody?

They insisted I bring them over here.

They just wanted to wish you
luck for your big day tomorrow.

Thanks.

Daddy, we made you a card.

Daddy, we just wanted to
wish you luck for tomorrow.

We know you can do it.

Hey, Jack.

Here you go, buster, I had
this made for you.

It's beautiful, Jack...
thank you.

Well, I did my part.

This will be the last time
we see each other.

Oh.

If you get the show, they'll
bring in some young producer.

If you don't, well then,
that'll be that.

In any case, I told you what I know

and the rest is up to you.

It's just...

if you can do it.

That's it.

Listen.

You're a good guy.

I'm not gonna
say I think you can do it

'cause I really have no idea,

but I hope you do.

And now I'm gonna tell you
what I know to be

the three rules of show business.

Number one, look 'em in the eye
and speak from the heart.

Number two, you
gotta go away to come back.

And number three, if someone
asks you to keep a secret,

their secret is a lie.

You got that?

Yeah.

Uh, thank... thank you, Jack.

Thanks for everything, really.

Good luck.

How you doing?

Jerry, hi...
How are you?

Good, good.

You nervous?

Uh, no, you know.

Ahh, you'll be fine, you'll be fine.

I...

I didn't know that they...
that you knew I was...

Look, Louie, there's
something you need to know.

Okay.

They're giving me
"Late Show. "

I signed the contract this morning.

It's a done deal.

They're printing
the t-shirts.

I heard they weren't telling you

and they were still making you do this

and it just seemed unfair.

Wow.

Yeah.

Well, congrats.

Thank you, thank you.

I mean, I want you to come
on the show anytime you want.

Thanks.

That's it.

Um, thanks for...

Okay, Louie.

You will be fine.

Thanks, man.
I will see you soon.

Hey, um, nobody knows about this yet,

so if you
wouldn't mind, do me a favor.

Keep it a secret.

Sure.
Thank you.

Thank you.

"If somebody asks you to
keep a secret... "

"That secret is a lie. "

It's a lie.

Goddammit.

Welcome to
the "Late Show. "

Let's get right to it.

Here's your host,
Louis C.K.!

Thank you very much.

Obama said the economy will
improve in the next four years.

He also said he promises
to kill bin Laden

a couple more times.

You know, jokes... It's a really
unique thing

to be reading jokes off cards,

'cause you just see your
death in front of you.

You can see...

Uh, Polly want to not get
eaten by a dog?

All right.

I don't know.

I'm not saying nothing
about that... just...

Well, the first time I ever saw you,

I guess I was about 11 years old

and I saw
"Rocky Horror Picture Show. "

You were in that movie a lot.

I was, yeah.

And you were in your
underwear for part of it.

Yeah.

And I had never seen a
lady in her underwear

in a movie before.

Was it scarring?

No, what it was...

What it did was, I went home...

to my friend's house.

Oh, boy.
And I...

Yeah, and I had myself
a little time by myself.

And I had never done that before.

So you...

That was the first time?

Yeah, that's true, you're
the first person who I ever...

Oh my God, that's the
sweetest story I ever heard.

That's so sweet...
Thank you.

Yeah, thank you.
Oh, you're welcome.

Jack is my son and Darby
is my daughter.

Darby?
Yeah.

What is that all about?

Um, well, yeah.

What'd you go and do that for?

I know.

My wife said, "I want to
name my daughter 'Darby. '"

And she said, "I loved
the name ever since I saw

"'The Pelican Brief' with
Julia Roberts. "

Are you serious?
I swear to God.

What I wished was the truth,

and I don't think it is,

is that there's no one
named Darby in that movie.

And that you just...

Jackie, I'm watching the feed.

Good work.

It's exactly what we need.

Perfect.

I got an option.

Here's to the new king of late night.

Oh, thank you.

Former king of his own
mother's.

Mmm.

I gotta say, you stepped up.

Great job.
Thanks, man.

I don't know if it...

You know, it's not official,
but I feel pretty good.

I mean...

Doug.

Hey, turn up that TV,
that's about my buddy.

Hold on a second.
Shut up, everybody.

Official word just coming in
from CBS that David Letterman

has signed on for another ten years.

His contract negotiations went
to the last minute we hear,

but it is official.

David Letterman will remain
as the host of "The Late Show. "

They used you to get his price down

from 60 to 40 million.

They used you.

There's one other thing.

The Letterman people called.

They said...

You're dead.

Letterman said
you'll never be on the show.

Never.

Okay.

Lou... look at it
this way.

You took $20 million
out of that asshole's pocket.

That's how good you were.

Thanks, man.

I'm sorry.
Bad deal, man.

I'm sorry.

It's official, you suck, man.

He does, too.

I'm just kidding.

I'm not.

I did it!

I did it!

I did it!

Hey, Letterman!

Hey, Letterman, I did it!

Yo, Letterman!

Letterman!

Fuck you!