Louie (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 11 - Late Show: Part 2 - full transcript
Louie's "training" gets off to a rough start as he prepares for his chance to audition for David Letterman's job.
So how are the--
How are the kids?
They're good.
Jane gave me a really
hard time this morning,
but I got 'em off to school, so.
Okay, so I have a--
I maybe have something
that I have to--
Well, I got something I
gotta tell you about that's--
maybe I have.
Okay.
Here's the thing.
Okay, I was on-- I did "The
Tonight Show" the other night.
I don't know if you saw it.
It went really well.
And so I had
a meeting at--
I had a meeting at CBS.
CBS?
Yeah, with like, the chairman
of CBS, like in the--
Anyway, he told--
The thing is, though,
he told me--
He made me sign
a confidentiality agreement
saying I would never repeat this
to anybody, just so you know.
So maybe you shouldn't tell me.
No, I have to tell you
so I can tell you
what's going on with me.
Okay.
All right, look--
David-- David Letterman
is retiring
at the end of
next year and they're--
I guess they're looking
at possibly--
at maybe me to maybe be the guy
who could replace him.
Take over Letterman's job?
Yeah.
But so--
Wait, you're just like,
on a list or something?
Is that what you're telling me?
Well, no,
apparently, it's--
Like, it's between me
and Jerry Seinfeld,
and obviously, he's
the frontrunner, but I--
They're looking at me,
like, as an option.
Because you'd be cheaper.
Yeah.
And so I'm supposed to start
working with this guy
here in New York,
like, this producer guy,
to like, train, and I'm supposed
to do a test show and--
I guess if they
like the show--
You know, it's a really outside shot.
It's a way outside shot, but I have...
a shot.
And well, I'm telling
you this because I--
Of course, I can't--
You know, I can't do it.
What? Why?
Because I got the kids
three days a week
and if I had
a full-time job--
This is more than
a full-time job.
It's just--
Ah, forget the kids.
What?
The kids.
I got the kids.
You go do this, you go get this job.
You go get this job.
I don't even know if I can.
Well, you can if you want it.
You have to get this, Louie.
Janet, I'm--
Jerry Seinfeld is--
Oh, Jerry Seinfeld, boo.
He's not even that good.
I mean, not like that.
His show was great,
but that was a long time ago, okay?
No, you have more than a shot.
These people aren't idiots.
They picked you for a reason.
Janet, you're not--
Look, I've been on the road
doing comedy,
standup for all these years
because I can do that and then--
I make my own schedule
and then I'm able to take
my time with the kids
so they're with me half the time,
they're used to that, they need that.
Louie, you'll see them on
the weekends,
you'll have them over the summer.
Yes, you'll see them a lot less,
but that's because you'll have a job.
I have a job.
Louie.
You came here so that I would tell you
that you can't do this, didn't you?
Because I need you to do
your share with the kids?
That's why you're here?
You don't have the gall
to take this thing on
and you want me to blame?
Here's the bad news, buddy.
You can totally get this show
and the girls will be fine.
I mean, this standup thing,
where's that going?
Huh?
It was going to this.
If you don't do this, I mean,
what was it all for?
What did you put
20 years into this for?
What did I put my nine in for?
Listen, you've been a fine father,
but nobody needs a father that much.
The girls need a role model.
They need to see you live and succeed.
Look, I'm not bitter about anything.
You've--
I'm grateful to you.
You supported us for years,
you supported me.
And since I've got my
degree, I haven't needed you.
I'm not asking you for anything.
I'm just--
I hate to see what the future will be
if you don't make this happen.
Hi, I'm--
I'm here to see Jack Dahl.
It's "Dahl."
Dahl-- Dahl?
It's "Dahl."
Okay.
Thank you.
Yes?
Oh, yes.
You can go in now.
Thank you.
He's waiting.
Mr. Dahl.
Dahl?
My name's Louie C.K.
I was sent here--
Sent here?
What are you, a letter?
Nobody sent you.
Well, I--
He told me that I should contact you
about the "Late Show" thing?
That I-- He said--
Well, I have a test show in,
like, two months
and you were gonna-- Pick
up one of those cards.
Excuse me?
I said pick up one of those cards.
These cards?
Yes.
You stand there.
And you stand there.
Hold up the card.
Uh--
Read the card!
Okay.
"President Nixon today--"
Uh, Nixon?
"President Nixon today announced
"that he's going to recognize China,
"but that if he's not careful,
he might mistake them
for Korea."
What--
You forgot to say,
"We'll be right back."
Oh, right.
"We'll be right back."
Took you one minute and 12 seconds
to tell one joke.
It's too long.
Oh.
No, I didn't--
I didn't--
Comedy is about timing son.
Timing.
You gotta get 'em, you gotta tell 'em.
Okay--
Work on your speed.
Come back on Wednesday.
Uh.
Leave the card here.
Oh, man.
Hey!
She's stealing!
No, no, no, don't do that, Jane.
Don't do that.
Daddy, she stole!
Baby, come here, come here.
Officer, that lady stole!
I don't know what she's talking about.
I did good, didn't I?
All right, girls.
Get ready for bed, all right?
Okay.
Hello?
Louie C.K.?
Hi.
Hey, it's me, Jay Leno.
Yeah, hi Jay, how you doing?
Hey listen, I want to thank
you for last week, man.
You really bailed us out.
You were really terrific,
I really appreciate it.
Oh, that's really nice,
Jay, thank you.
Hey, I heard something
through the grapevine.
You're up for Dave's job, huh?
Oh.
Yeah, I know you're not
supposed to tell,
but you know, I know everything.
Okay.
So this is a big deal, huh?
Yeah, yeah, I guess so.
Listen, while I have you on the phone,
can I ask you something?
Yeah sure, go ahead.
Well, should I take the job?
I mean, if I get it?
You really want to know?
Yeah.
Uh, don't do it.
Really?
Well, you know how you're the
hip guy, you're the cool guy?
That used to be me.
But then you gotta do
14 minutes every single night.
Nobody is hip every single night.
I wish somebody had told me that.
Wow.
Okay.
I hope you get it and if you get it,
it's the last time we'll
talk as friends.
Well, thanks, Jay.
Okay.
Good luck, bye-bye.
Jay Leno is a liar, okay?
He loves that job.
It's his whole life.
He's just trying to get rid of you.
Oh.
Yeah, "oh."
You gotta get your head up, man.
It's the late-night wars.
Wars.
Everybody's out to get you.
You gotta smarten up.
And don't listen to nobody.
And nobody meaning
Jay Leno in particular.
Right.
Right.
Shit.
You might have something here, Louie.
Don't [BLEEP] it up.
I gotta go see the guy.
Thanks, man.
Watch your back.
Yeah.
Did you know Letterman was retiring?
Well, how the--
How do I know and you don't know?
Start.
What?
Start.
Start what?
Hosting "Late Show
with Louie C.K."
Go!
Oh.
All right.
Hey, all right, let's get started.
I'm Louie C.K.
You don't need to tell 'em
your name, son.
The announcer does that.
Well, I don't know where
you want me to start.
Hello?
I'm coming in.
Look, I-- I don't know.
I guess I just don't know
exactly what you--
What you want me to--
You come out, you say hello,
you start the show,
here's the show.
What's the mystery?
Move aside.
Go watch on the TV.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Dahl!
Good evening.
Good evening.
This is "Late Show."
Can you do it?
I don't--
I don't think so.
Skip it.
Let's get to the jokes.
Have you been working on your speed?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, stand right there.
All right.
Read.
"Today President Reagan--"
Reagan?
Can I have some today jokes?
You're not ready.
"Today President Reagan said
that Russia is an evil empire
and that Margaret Thatcher
is an ugly cuss."
We'll be right back.
Not bad, not bad.
Okay, relax.
Let's talk about this.
Talk about what?
Body, face, beard, hair,
clothes, you.
Let's talk about it.
Okay, look--
I'd rather not.
Listen, crackerjack,
if you're gonna be televised,
you gotta be easy on the eyes.
It's no good if people
hate looking at you....
You need a suit, a tie...
and some Brylcreem.
Listen, Jack, I gotta say
something right now, I think.
Okay.
All right, I-- I am not
gonna wear a suit, okay?
And I get that late-night show
hosts have always worn them.
Jack Parr, Steve Allen,
Carson, Letterman,
not a T-shirt in the bunch.
Just 'cause you like laying
around your house
in your underpants doesn't mean
the United States
of America has to see it.
I'm not--
You put on a suit, brother.
I'm not wearing a suit.
I'm sorry, I'm not doing it.
I've been this guy for 25 years,
I'm not gonna
become a different person.
I'm doing the best I can
at adapting here
and I know I have to do
new things, but I don't--
I feel like I've given this
a lot of thought and I've--
Go see a man named Alphonse
at this address,
tomorrow morning,
9:00 sharp.
Are we done?
Dear God, I hope so.
Keep your hands
up, keep your hands up.
Do you know Alphonse?
Do you know where Alphonse--
There you go.
Is he that guy on the left?
Keep your hands up, both your
hands, both your hands.
There you go.
Hi, are you Alphonse?
Yeah.
My name's Louie,
I was sent here to--
Yeah, Jack wanted me to get you ready.
Yeah, um.
Come on, fight your way out,
fight your way out.
Get out that corner,
get out the corner!
Fight your way out!
There you go.
Go on in the back,
get yourself--
Get yourself ready.
I didn't know I was working out.
I don't have shorts or anything.
Shorty.
Take him to the back, get him
some shorts and gloves.
Get on up in here.
What do I do?
You're gonna fight him.
You're gonna fight him.
Oh shit!
Wow...
Okay, come back tomorrow.
Extra!
Speculation that David
Letterman is retiring
at the end of this year
and who will replace him
has just gotten more interesting.
In addition to Jerry Seinfeld,
who is widely regarded as
the frontrunner for the job,
comedian Chris Rock has emerged
as a strong possibility.
Chris Rock has denied being
considered,
but inside sources
say he has lobbied hard
to beat Jerry Seinfeld for the job.
It's Dahl.
Dahl?
It's "Dahl."
Dahl?
"Dahl."
Dahl?
"Dahl."
Dahl?
"Dahl."
Dahl?
"Dahl."
Dahl?
"Dahl."
Dahl?
It's "Dahl."
"Dahl."
"Dahl."
Oh.
Thank you.
How are the kids?
They're good.
Jane gave me a really
hard time this morning,
but I got 'em off to school, so.
Okay, so I have a--
I maybe have something
that I have to--
Well, I got something I
gotta tell you about that's--
maybe I have.
Okay.
Here's the thing.
Okay, I was on-- I did "The
Tonight Show" the other night.
I don't know if you saw it.
It went really well.
And so I had
a meeting at--
I had a meeting at CBS.
CBS?
Yeah, with like, the chairman
of CBS, like in the--
Anyway, he told--
The thing is, though,
he told me--
He made me sign
a confidentiality agreement
saying I would never repeat this
to anybody, just so you know.
So maybe you shouldn't tell me.
No, I have to tell you
so I can tell you
what's going on with me.
Okay.
All right, look--
David-- David Letterman
is retiring
at the end of
next year and they're--
I guess they're looking
at possibly--
at maybe me to maybe be the guy
who could replace him.
Take over Letterman's job?
Yeah.
But so--
Wait, you're just like,
on a list or something?
Is that what you're telling me?
Well, no,
apparently, it's--
Like, it's between me
and Jerry Seinfeld,
and obviously, he's
the frontrunner, but I--
They're looking at me,
like, as an option.
Because you'd be cheaper.
Yeah.
And so I'm supposed to start
working with this guy
here in New York,
like, this producer guy,
to like, train, and I'm supposed
to do a test show and--
I guess if they
like the show--
You know, it's a really outside shot.
It's a way outside shot, but I have...
a shot.
And well, I'm telling
you this because I--
Of course, I can't--
You know, I can't do it.
What? Why?
Because I got the kids
three days a week
and if I had
a full-time job--
This is more than
a full-time job.
It's just--
Ah, forget the kids.
What?
The kids.
I got the kids.
You go do this, you go get this job.
You go get this job.
I don't even know if I can.
Well, you can if you want it.
You have to get this, Louie.
Janet, I'm--
Jerry Seinfeld is--
Oh, Jerry Seinfeld, boo.
He's not even that good.
I mean, not like that.
His show was great,
but that was a long time ago, okay?
No, you have more than a shot.
These people aren't idiots.
They picked you for a reason.
Janet, you're not--
Look, I've been on the road
doing comedy,
standup for all these years
because I can do that and then--
I make my own schedule
and then I'm able to take
my time with the kids
so they're with me half the time,
they're used to that, they need that.
Louie, you'll see them on
the weekends,
you'll have them over the summer.
Yes, you'll see them a lot less,
but that's because you'll have a job.
I have a job.
Louie.
You came here so that I would tell you
that you can't do this, didn't you?
Because I need you to do
your share with the kids?
That's why you're here?
You don't have the gall
to take this thing on
and you want me to blame?
Here's the bad news, buddy.
You can totally get this show
and the girls will be fine.
I mean, this standup thing,
where's that going?
Huh?
It was going to this.
If you don't do this, I mean,
what was it all for?
What did you put
20 years into this for?
What did I put my nine in for?
Listen, you've been a fine father,
but nobody needs a father that much.
The girls need a role model.
They need to see you live and succeed.
Look, I'm not bitter about anything.
You've--
I'm grateful to you.
You supported us for years,
you supported me.
And since I've got my
degree, I haven't needed you.
I'm not asking you for anything.
I'm just--
I hate to see what the future will be
if you don't make this happen.
Hi, I'm--
I'm here to see Jack Dahl.
It's "Dahl."
Dahl-- Dahl?
It's "Dahl."
Okay.
Thank you.
Yes?
Oh, yes.
You can go in now.
Thank you.
He's waiting.
Mr. Dahl.
Dahl?
My name's Louie C.K.
I was sent here--
Sent here?
What are you, a letter?
Nobody sent you.
Well, I--
He told me that I should contact you
about the "Late Show" thing?
That I-- He said--
Well, I have a test show in,
like, two months
and you were gonna-- Pick
up one of those cards.
Excuse me?
I said pick up one of those cards.
These cards?
Yes.
You stand there.
And you stand there.
Hold up the card.
Uh--
Read the card!
Okay.
"President Nixon today--"
Uh, Nixon?
"President Nixon today announced
"that he's going to recognize China,
"but that if he's not careful,
he might mistake them
for Korea."
What--
You forgot to say,
"We'll be right back."
Oh, right.
"We'll be right back."
Took you one minute and 12 seconds
to tell one joke.
It's too long.
Oh.
No, I didn't--
I didn't--
Comedy is about timing son.
Timing.
You gotta get 'em, you gotta tell 'em.
Okay--
Work on your speed.
Come back on Wednesday.
Uh.
Leave the card here.
Oh, man.
Hey!
She's stealing!
No, no, no, don't do that, Jane.
Don't do that.
Daddy, she stole!
Baby, come here, come here.
Officer, that lady stole!
I don't know what she's talking about.
I did good, didn't I?
All right, girls.
Get ready for bed, all right?
Okay.
Hello?
Louie C.K.?
Hi.
Hey, it's me, Jay Leno.
Yeah, hi Jay, how you doing?
Hey listen, I want to thank
you for last week, man.
You really bailed us out.
You were really terrific,
I really appreciate it.
Oh, that's really nice,
Jay, thank you.
Hey, I heard something
through the grapevine.
You're up for Dave's job, huh?
Oh.
Yeah, I know you're not
supposed to tell,
but you know, I know everything.
Okay.
So this is a big deal, huh?
Yeah, yeah, I guess so.
Listen, while I have you on the phone,
can I ask you something?
Yeah sure, go ahead.
Well, should I take the job?
I mean, if I get it?
You really want to know?
Yeah.
Uh, don't do it.
Really?
Well, you know how you're the
hip guy, you're the cool guy?
That used to be me.
But then you gotta do
14 minutes every single night.
Nobody is hip every single night.
I wish somebody had told me that.
Wow.
Okay.
I hope you get it and if you get it,
it's the last time we'll
talk as friends.
Well, thanks, Jay.
Okay.
Good luck, bye-bye.
Jay Leno is a liar, okay?
He loves that job.
It's his whole life.
He's just trying to get rid of you.
Oh.
Yeah, "oh."
You gotta get your head up, man.
It's the late-night wars.
Wars.
Everybody's out to get you.
You gotta smarten up.
And don't listen to nobody.
And nobody meaning
Jay Leno in particular.
Right.
Right.
Shit.
You might have something here, Louie.
Don't [BLEEP] it up.
I gotta go see the guy.
Thanks, man.
Watch your back.
Yeah.
Did you know Letterman was retiring?
Well, how the--
How do I know and you don't know?
Start.
What?
Start.
Start what?
Hosting "Late Show
with Louie C.K."
Go!
Oh.
All right.
Hey, all right, let's get started.
I'm Louie C.K.
You don't need to tell 'em
your name, son.
The announcer does that.
Well, I don't know where
you want me to start.
Hello?
I'm coming in.
Look, I-- I don't know.
I guess I just don't know
exactly what you--
What you want me to--
You come out, you say hello,
you start the show,
here's the show.
What's the mystery?
Move aside.
Go watch on the TV.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jack Dahl!
Good evening.
Good evening.
This is "Late Show."
Can you do it?
I don't--
I don't think so.
Skip it.
Let's get to the jokes.
Have you been working on your speed?
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, stand right there.
All right.
Read.
"Today President Reagan--"
Reagan?
Can I have some today jokes?
You're not ready.
"Today President Reagan said
that Russia is an evil empire
and that Margaret Thatcher
is an ugly cuss."
We'll be right back.
Not bad, not bad.
Okay, relax.
Let's talk about this.
Talk about what?
Body, face, beard, hair,
clothes, you.
Let's talk about it.
Okay, look--
I'd rather not.
Listen, crackerjack,
if you're gonna be televised,
you gotta be easy on the eyes.
It's no good if people
hate looking at you....
You need a suit, a tie...
and some Brylcreem.
Listen, Jack, I gotta say
something right now, I think.
Okay.
All right, I-- I am not
gonna wear a suit, okay?
And I get that late-night show
hosts have always worn them.
Jack Parr, Steve Allen,
Carson, Letterman,
not a T-shirt in the bunch.
Just 'cause you like laying
around your house
in your underpants doesn't mean
the United States
of America has to see it.
I'm not--
You put on a suit, brother.
I'm not wearing a suit.
I'm sorry, I'm not doing it.
I've been this guy for 25 years,
I'm not gonna
become a different person.
I'm doing the best I can
at adapting here
and I know I have to do
new things, but I don't--
I feel like I've given this
a lot of thought and I've--
Go see a man named Alphonse
at this address,
tomorrow morning,
9:00 sharp.
Are we done?
Dear God, I hope so.
Keep your hands
up, keep your hands up.
Do you know Alphonse?
Do you know where Alphonse--
There you go.
Is he that guy on the left?
Keep your hands up, both your
hands, both your hands.
There you go.
Hi, are you Alphonse?
Yeah.
My name's Louie,
I was sent here to--
Yeah, Jack wanted me to get you ready.
Yeah, um.
Come on, fight your way out,
fight your way out.
Get out that corner,
get out the corner!
Fight your way out!
There you go.
Go on in the back,
get yourself--
Get yourself ready.
I didn't know I was working out.
I don't have shorts or anything.
Shorty.
Take him to the back, get him
some shorts and gloves.
Get on up in here.
What do I do?
You're gonna fight him.
You're gonna fight him.
Oh shit!
Wow...
Okay, come back tomorrow.
Extra!
Speculation that David
Letterman is retiring
at the end of this year
and who will replace him
has just gotten more interesting.
In addition to Jerry Seinfeld,
who is widely regarded as
the frontrunner for the job,
comedian Chris Rock has emerged
as a strong possibility.
Chris Rock has denied being
considered,
but inside sources
say he has lobbied hard
to beat Jerry Seinfeld for the job.
It's Dahl.
Dahl?
It's "Dahl."
Dahl?
"Dahl."
Dahl?
"Dahl."
Dahl?
"Dahl."
Dahl?
"Dahl."
Dahl?
"Dahl."
Dahl?
It's "Dahl."
"Dahl."
"Dahl."
Oh.
Thank you.