Louie (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 10 - Late Show: Part 1 - full transcript

When hearing the news that David Letterman is retiring from the Late Show, Louis is asked to be a runner up for a replacement of his, which takes a lot of work. Louis struggles to decide if he wants to take this hard job up or not.

It's very different
raising children in America.

We get to make all
these weird decisions about

what do we expose our kids
to when.

Other countries,
they don't have a choice.

Like, some parents at my kids'
school were talking about war

and they're, like, "When do
we tell our kid--

"Do we tell our children
that our country is at war

"in Afghanistan
and these places?

When do we introduce this i--"

Only in America,
we have this luxury,

we get to decide when
they find out



that there is--

Kids in Afghanistan
don't have-- just--

They find out.

They find out.

They find out when they ask,

"How come Uncle Henry's head
is gone now?

"How come that happened?

Oh, 'cause of the war."

Life can be stressful here,
though,

'cause life is good
and so we want it to be better

and we get-- we try to perfect
everything in our lives

and it's like a job.

Being a consumer is like a job.

You have to make sure
you get the best one.



If you get a Blu-ray player,
you gotta do research.

You gotta look at
reviews of a player.

You gotta go on Amazon and read
a really long review

written by an insane person

who's been dead for months...

...because he shot
his wife

and then himself

after explaining to you

that the remote is
counterintuitive.

"It's got really small buttons
on the remote,"

he said...

before he murder-suicided
his whole family.

And now you're
reading it and going,

"I don't know.

"I don't know which one to get,
I don't know.

I gotta get the best one."

Why?

Who are you, the king of Siam,

that you should get
the best one ever?

"I'm-- Bring me
the best DV..."

Who cares?

They're all the same,
these machines.

They're all made from
the same Asian suffering.

There's no difference.

That was a good set.

I guess, I don't...

...a round of applause...

Hey, Ross. Hey, how's
it going, guys?

Hey.

This is my agent, Doug.
Hey, how's it going?

Hey, Louie, great job.

Thank you.
It was great.

The order is terrific.

I mean, the closing bit,

Jay's gonna love
tomorrow night on the ow.

Oh, good.
It was just terrific.

I'm sorry-- Louie, great set, great set.
Hey, Bud, how are you?

Thank you very much, thank you.

Um, but the great thing
is, also, it timed in at

four minutes and 30 seconds,
which is the perfect

amount of--perfect amount of time.
Good.

I mean, with the audience
reaction and everything else,

it's just, for our studio,

it's gonna be the time that we're looking for.
That's great.

Good, good, good.
So...

Is Louie gonna
interview on panel?

Tomorrow night,
Tom Cruise is the other guest

and Tom loves to go long,
tells great stories

and Jay's surprising him
tomorrow with a motorcycle.

I'm gonna get bumped, right?

You're not gonna
get bumped, Louie.

You're not going to get bumped.

Sounds like I'm--
Nah.

You know what, I'll--
I'll see you tomorrow night.

But thank you.

Thanks, guys,
I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay, thanks, Ross, thanks for coming.
Okay, okay.

Okay, good.
Okay.

I'm totally getting bumped.
Yeah.

I'm getting--
Sounds like--

It's like they brought me
here to bump me,

all the way...

Getting bumped is not that bad, Louie.
How is it not that bad?

'Cause they advertise
your name,

you still get paid
and then they have you back on.

Just...

Okay, thank you, thanks, Doug.

Amazing, this face work.

Look at this.

Look at "before"...

and look at "after."

Boy, just, you know, I think...

You know the real trick here?

I think the real trick here
is, don't be pissed off.

You look better.

- I'm here to mic you.
- Sure.

Just turn around for me.
Oh, sorry.

Some of that
delicious Velveeta juice.

Yeah!

Folks, we'll be right back
with Tom Cruise

right after this.

Okay, where's your jacket?

I don't have--
This is what I'm wearing.

Oh.

You're all set then.
Okay.

Hey, what's going on?

I got some really bad news.

You're bumping me.

Shit, I knew this.

No, not exactly, I'm not bumping you.
You're not?

What's--

Ross, you tell him?
I haven't told him yet.

Louie, are you ready?

Tom Cruise
is not coming tonight.

What do you mean, he's not coming?
So... No, he's not coming.

He hates surprises

and the whole motorcycle
thing, he just-- he just--

It doesn't matter
why he canceled,

he's not coming, okay?

He's not here, you are.

You're on lead guest, okay?

We need you to lead off
the show.

Now?
Yes, now.

Okay.
I can do some questions for him.

You're a comic, you know how to talk.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, here's your chance, all right.
All right.

You ever flown on an airplane?
Yeah, sure.

You got airplane stories?
I can do a--

You all right, you good?
Yeah, I'm ready.

All right, good,
see you out there.

Okay, thanks.
Come on, let's go, let's go.

You're on!
Okay, okay, okay.

Right now? Okay, all right.
Yeah, now!

Hey, everybody, welcome back.

Now, folks, as I...

as I told you, we had Tom Cruise
booked on the show tonight,

but...

Well-- Yes, yes.

Well... this is...

this is live television

and sometimes things
happen in live television,

and... Tom Cruise
is not here.

All right, all right,
I don't know why.

Okay, Louie, listen,

you're going immediately
to your right, okay?

And as soon
as you get to your right,

Jay will greet you, got it?

Okay.
Are you listening to me?

. get here--
I don't know what it was.

Anyway, we have to do a show
and I already did my jokes,

so what I'm gonna do
is bring out the comic

who was gonna close the show
tonight.

We're gonna give him a shot,

he's gonna be my very first
guest tonight.

He's a very funny man,

he'll be at
the Comedy Cellar in New York.

Go out there and go get 'em.

Okay?

Louie C.K., Louie!

Don't swear!

Good to see you.
Hey, how are you?

Have a seat.
Uh... thanks.

Hello?

Sir, this is housekeeping.

What?

You have a "do not disturb"
sign on your door.

When do you want us
to clean your room?

I have a "do not disturb"
sign on the door,

that's the answer.

Just don't do this to me.

When do you want us to clean?

What's the point of the sign
if you don't...

What...

This is the opposite
of what it says.

You understand that?

When do you want us to clean?

Just don't ever clean it
here ever again.

I don't know.

Oh...

Shit on a dick.

Oh... shit.

Bitch.

Damn.

Wow.

What the hell?

Hey, Doug.

Louie, Jesus, I've been
trying to reach you.

What-- what is this--
What's wrong?

Did you see that
you went viral today?

I'm what?

Your set from last night, it...

You got a million
hits already online.

It was huge.
Wow.

Listen, you have a meeting
CBS in one hour.

I have-- What?
At a what?

The who?
What?

You have a meeting at
CBS in one hour.

Doug, I didn't tell you

to set any meetings
for me today.

What the hell is this about?

I don't know, they called me.

You have a meeting with
the chairman, president,

whatever, of CBS in one hour.

Please, get up,
get dressed and meet me there.

They're sending a car for you.

Okay, I got it.

Shit.

It's not even time to
jerk off, for Christ's sakes.

Who are we here to see?

Do you have any idea?

They didn't tell you the name of the guy?
I don't know, no.

You didn't find out who we're--
No, I have no idea.

Excuse me,
can you please tell us

who we're here to see?

Hello?

Thank you, I'll tell him.

You can go in now.

Louie.

Come in.

Hi.

Sit down, sit down.

So...

you know who I am?

Yes, I-- yeah, I do.

Oh, this is my agent, Doug.
It's an honor to meet--

You're in from New York.

Yeah.

Have you been there?

I'm from the Bronx.

Oh, yeah, the Bronx?

I-- I-- I haven't spent--
I haven't spent much--

Whatever.

You were very funny last night
on "The Tonight Show."

Oh, thank you.
Very funny.

Must have been under
a lot of pressure, too.

Yeah, I didn't have much time
to think about it.

What I'm about to tell you,
nobody knows,

but it has the potential
to change your whole life.

Okay.

It's privileged information.

Cannot leave this room.

Send Charlie in, uh, please.

Carnegie Deli.

I used to go there when I was
starting out in New York.

Is that the thing I'm not
supposed to tell anybody?

No.

This is Charlie
from our legal department.

What is this?

These are confidentiality
agreements.

You're signing
a document that states

if you repeat anything
that is told to you

by the chairman of the
Columbia Broadcasting System,

you will be subject to penalties
and litigation.

Okay.

I don't-- I don't know
if I want to sign this.

Then leave the room!

Thank you.

I'm the chairman.

There won't be somebody else
here next month.

I'll be here.
Yes, sir.

David Letterman is retiring.

This is his last
year on "The Late Show."

David Letterman's been
at CBS for 20 years.

It's over.

I have to replace him.

I brought you here to ask you

if you'd be
interested in the job.

No.

No?
What...

Why not?

Well, that...

I mean, that's crazy.

I'm not that guy.

I'm 44 and I'm--
I mean, he's...

You should get Jerry Seinfeld
or somebody, right?

Oh, we're getting
Jerry Seinfeld.

You are?

You misunderstood me, son.

I'm not offering you the job,

I'm asking if you're
interested in it.

Uh...

We're negotiating
with Jerry Seinfeld.

I'm looking for an option.

An option?

Here, let me lay it out
for you.

Jerry Seinfeld is a slam dunk,

but he's a $12 million
slam dunk at best.

You, I could get for a million,

a little less, maybe.

So.

You're thinking.

I see the wheels turning.

Tell-- tell me, what?

Well, I just never
saw this--

I didn't see this coming.

I don't know--

I don't know how much
you know about me.

I know you're
a working-class standup

from Boston.

You do standup,
you make, maybe,

$80,000 a year on
the club dates,

but you're on
the back nine of your career.

Except for, once in a while,
a special on cable,

I think you--

Five years ago,
you probably peaked

and now you're waiting around

wondering if
something's gonna happen

before it gets embarrassing.

Am I right?

You don't think you can do it.

You think it's over
and you're afraid to try.

I mean, I get it,
that's normal.

I've seen it.

And I've seen it turn around.

Let me offer you a proposal.

You go back to New York.

You get in shape.

You lose about 40 pounds.

I get you with Jackie Dahl,
he's my main city man.

He works with you
and then, in about two months,

we do a test show.

A test show?

Jack'll get you a small studio.

You know, you'll do
a monologue,

you'll do
a couple of interviews

and if the test is good...

I'll put you on the air.

And then if you're a hit,

everybody'll think I'm a genius

and I'll have saved the network

about $12 million.

If America hates you...

no one's gonna blame me.

We'll hire Jerry Seinfeld
to do the show.

No harm, no foul.

But you'll take
the heat on all that.

You're gonna crack your head
on the ceiling

and you're gonna go down,

probably for good.

Look, Louie.

We're talking about
the big game here,

so forgive me
if I use big terms.

Here's the reality.

In ten years, you're
gonna be teaching comedy

at a community college
to support your kids

and falling asleep to

"The Late Show with
Jerry Seinfeld."

You're circling failure...

in a rapidly decaying orbit.

That's the reality,
as we talk now.

But you can change that.

It's in your power
to change that.

Yes, you'll have to work hard,

you'll have to do things
you haven't done before

and still...

your chances are very slim.

But you could change it.

I'm gonna ask you one re time.

David Letterman is retiring.

Do you want his job?