Louie (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 1 - Something Is Wrong - full transcript

Louie breaks up with his new love interest, gets his car destroyed by a construction crew, buys a new motorcycle, and winds up in the hospital.

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♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna die ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie... ♪

One time I was jerking off--

This is another--
this is another aging thing.

I was jerking off

and I looked at my penis
and it was blurry

because my eyes... are going.

So I can't--



Because you're suppose to get
reading glasses when you--

when this becomes blurry

and that's exactly...

That's the precise
fixed length.

And so it's blurry now,

so I gotta go
get reading glasses

and I gotta-- like this.

Hmm...

So I had to go to the drug store
and buy reading glasses...

and I felt weird, like,

"She knows I'm jerking off
with these."

Like, she's just
looking at me like,

"You ain't ready shit,
you dirty old..."

Anyway, so I got
reading glasses



and I looked at it
and it was still blurry.

So I don't think it's my eyes.

I think my dick
is getting blurry.

I think I've actually...

But here's the good news--
I am getting older

but I also have more
money than I used to have

so I'm gonna get a new--
I'm gonna upgrade my dick.

I'm gonna get a new dick.

I'm amazed that I haven't
heard about that.

Like, that rich old guys--

Why aren't they
getting new dicks?

'Cause with the amount of money
poured into people's tits

and their faces,

how are old, rich,
asshole guys--

"I'm getting a new one!"

On the golf course, "Getting
my new dick on Wednesday."

And it just-- and I don't mean
like a synthetic kind of

transvestite kind of
pink pea pod Frankenstein...

grafted-off-your-leg dick.

I mean some dead kid's dick
on your body.

Like a new...

"Happy ending to a sad story"
on your body.

'Cause that's--
I wanna get on that list now.

The next time some

22-year-old
Puerto Rican track star...

gets hit by a bus,

I get his dick right here,

his beautiful, shiny, brown dick
on my body, next to--

'Cause I'm keeping the old one.

I'm gonna have...

I'm gonna have both for awhile.

Like when they had-- they were
building the new Yankee Stadium

and the old one was still there,

that's gonna be
what this is like.

I can't...

"Parking of vehicles only authorized."
I mean...

Park--

Okay, "Parking permitted
anytime after midnight."

Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Is it after midnight right now or is it before?

It's before midnight right now.

I gotta go, I gotta...

Hi.
Hey, hi.

Hi.
Hi.

Uh, nightmare.

Yeah?
Yeah, total nightmare.

Just everybody screaming
at each other

and nobody listening to me.

The meeting goes on for two
hours-- nothing gets done.

God, and that cooz Lisa
started her shit with me again.

Shit, really?
Yeah.

Oh, God!

She was just stupid.

I'd like her but she's
faking it to make me sweat.

You should just quit that job.

What kind of a thing
is that to say to me?

Sorry.

Say that to me,
I should quit my job.

You should quit your job.
I like my job.

Anyway, I'm having lunch
with George tomorrow

and even though I hate to use
my connection with him for...

Thank you.

Did you already eat?

Is this dessert?

No, no...

Never mind.

Let's not have the food talk.

So you have the kids
this weekend?

No, they're with Janet.

Shows?

Just a couple at the Cellar.

All right, well, let's get
together during the day.

Sure.

Okay, what is up?

Nothing.
You look weird.

We'll hang out--
we'll hang out during the day.

That's fine.

Okay, Louie,
if you're gonna sit there

and pretend like
nothing's wrong,

you're gonna drive me crazy.

Look, you're doing
your mouthy face.

You're trying
not to say something.

I'm not--
you know what, I'm--

I'm just tired.

No, you're not acting tired.

You're acting
sort of tense and...

Oh, God, why-- why does it
have to be like this?

What is this, a game of
relationship charades?

What is on your mind?

Y'know, nothing,
there's nothing...

Okay, well, I know it's
about me, I know that.

Why do you think you know that?

Because you have zero problem
telling me anything

that's wrong with you,

except when it's
about me... right?

And then I've gotta
drag it out of you.

Something is wrong, right?

Right.

Mouth.

Okay, let's see, um...

you are depressed.

You feel like
I'm pushing too hard.

You are scared of going to

my mom's house
for Thanksgiving.

You just wanna break up
with me and...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, are you
breaking up with me?

No, that's--
no, that's craz--

Oh, my God, Louie...

you're breaking up with me.

You can't break up with me.

You can't break up with me.

I'm not.

But why-- what?

You can't break up
with me because...

Well, I'm not anything to you.

We're not anything,
we're nothing, y'know?

We've been nothing
for six months.

I haven't even met your kids.

Yeah, but that's--

I'm just trying to be really
careful with them, because--

Please, we're not
talking about that.

Louie...

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Okay, let's just--
we're gonna...

Oh, my...

Oh, my God!

Okay, all right, just do it.

Just-- let's just--
let's just say it.

What?

Just break up with me, okay?

Just--
April--

Just say it so that
we can be done with it.

Okay, I like you,
you're a good guy.

I have no regrets, but you
could only do...

y'know, this much

and now you can't do it anymore

so you should just say the words
and we'll move on.

Please don't eat
that ice cream right now.

Okay, here we go,
let's hear it.

April, I'm not breaking up
with you; I'm just tired.

Oh, Jesus.

You're gonna make me
do it, aren't you?

This is amazing.

You're gonna make me
break up with myself.

That's not what--
I-- I--

I'm gonna make it really
easy for you, okay?

This is how it's gonna work.

I am gonna say to you,

"We should not
be together anymore,"

and then after I say that,
you just sit here.

You don't say anything...
But I'm not--

for, like, 17 seconds, okay?

Just sit in silence

and then we'll be done with it.

I'm not--
Here we go.

We shouldn't be together
anymore.

Okay, good job, we're done.

I...

They made very nice tender
whole chicken for you.

Thank you.

You're a doll.

Here, why don't you eat this
chicken when you're done with

your ice cream.

- Hey!
- Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, that's...

That's my car.
Okay.

Well, I gotta
get it out of there.

Well, we're working.

But I didn't--
it didn't say you--

You didn't say you guys were
gonna be doing all of that.

Well, you shouldn't have parked there.
What...

What the hell are you guys
doing, anyway?

I don't know.

Can you...

Hi.
Hi.

You looking to buy a bike?
Oh, no, no.

No?
Just, uh...

Are-- are these, uh...

These are really nice, huh?

Oh, yeah,
these are pretty sweet.

Do you ride a bike in the city?
Sure.

It's dangerous or...

Yeah.

I've laid a few down.

I got, y'know,
I got some of that.

Whoa.
I've got some of that.

You gotta go down
with these kind of--

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, I can't be
doing none of that.

Oh, wow, more?
Yeah, oh, yeah.

That's nasty.
It gets better, man, here.

Really?

Busted-up knees.
Oh.

- Chicken skins-- you gotta have
these in the wintertime. - Okay, yeah.

I got fluid in my knees.
Oh, yeah.

I'm still walking, though.
Yeah, well--

I got a permanent limp
but I'm walking.

Well, I can't be
doing none of that.

That's crazy.

I got kids, so that's not...
All right, man.

What-- But, uh...

Um, how--
how much is that bike?

This one's 75.

7,500?
Yeah.

That's it?
That's it.

Wow.
You get 45 miles to the gallon.

Really?
You can park it anywhere.

So it's actually smart
to buy a motorcycle.

Why won't somebody help me?!

Why?!

I'm in pain here!

Won't somebody help me?!
Let's take a look here!

I need help!

Y'know, there's nothing dumber
than riding a motorcycle.

It's just stupid.

We get motorcycle fatalities
in here all the time

and, I gotta tell ya,
I feel sorry for none of them.

The guy in here
a week ago--

four pieces.

His legs both cut off,
the torso,

and his helmet in a bag
with just his head in it.

Cut off at the neck.

You know what
his mom said to me?

"Is he gonna be
all right?"

Why won't somebody help me?

Why, God?!

Oh, shit.

Listen, I need a--
I need to get to a phone.

Can I get up and get
to a phone?

No, I can't let you up.

But I gotta
call my ex-wife,

I gotta tell her I can't
pick up the kids.

Nobody knows I'm here.
Here.

Use mine.
Thank you.

Doctor, the CAT scan's ready

if you wanna take a look.
Okay.

Hello, hello.

Hello.
Hey.

Hey, Janet, it's Louie.

I'm calling from a--
not-- not my phone.

Hey.

You're picking up
the girls, right?

No, I can't.
What?

Louie, no, you can't
do that to me right now.

You don't-- no,
I, seriously, I can't come.

Louie, I am always happy
to cover for you

but this is unfair, okay?

It's too short notice.

You come and you get them.

I cannot because
I'm in a hospital

with my head strapped
to a thing.

Louie, what happened?

I got in an accident.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

How bad are you?

I'm waiting for the doctor
to come back.

I think I might be okay.

What happened?

Well, it was a...

It was a motorcycle accident.

Motorcycle?

Yeah.

I bought a motorcycle

and then I got in
an accident on it.

Okay, so...

you-- you can't come
pick up the kids?

Nope.

Okay.

Well, good luck with that.

He bought a motorcycle.

He got in an accident.

Prick.

Ass-necked idiot.

What the hell he's
doing on a motorcycle?!

Why won't somebody help me?!

Well, you're fine.

Goddamn lucky.

Really?
Yeah.

Nothing broken.

Nothing broken?
Yeah.

Do I have any
internal-- Ow!

This-- it hurts a lot.

Yeah, well, film is good,
your CAT is good,

you're gonna
be in a little pain

but you don't need us.

Ow!

Ow, ow, all right!

What about Obama?

I'm coming.

Shit.

I'm coming, I'm coming,
I'm coming, I'm coming.

Oh, hi.
Hi.

I've been trying to
call you since yesterday.

Yeah, my phone's broken.

Listen, I'm sorry
to just come over

but I left my laptop here.

Oh, man, okay.

Can I get it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on in.

Plus clothes that I have here.
Okay.

Jeez, are you okay?

I, uh, had an accident.

What do you mean?

Well, I got hit by a truck.

Jesus!

I was in the hospital.

Oh, my God, Louie!

Well, come sit down.

Is no one taking care of you?

Well, I didn't
break anything, so...

Who cares?
You were in the hospital.

You got hit by a truck.
Yeah.

Oh, my God!

It's my leg, really hurts.

You need some help here.
Thank you.

Here you go.

Thank you.
Wow.

You feeling better?
Yeah.

Thank you very much.

Thanks a lot.
It's okay.

Okay, well...

If you need anything,
you can call me.

I'm gonna go.
Well...

Um...

Stay?

Stay?

Yeah, do you wanna stay?

Stay.

How are you saying "stay"?

I mean, how do you mean that?

Just that maybe you--
maybe you should.

Do you mean that you need more
help from me right now?

No, I just...

What do you mean by,
"Do I wanna stay?"

I, uh... well, I...

I'm just saying that
maybe you should stay here

and...

we can go see your mom
on Thanksgiving--

Look, Louie.

You're hurt, so I helped you,

but as far as I'm concerned,
we're still broken up.

Well, maybe...

maybe we should get back
together and try and--

All right, let's...

Because here's what
I think is going on--

It's kind of weird for you
that I'm here,

helping you and feeding you

and then I'm just gonna leave,

and you're
feeling bad and guilty

because I'm being nice

so now you're just saying this.

Is that...

I'm just saying...

let's go to your mom's.

Louie, if we go to my mom's
house for Thanksgiving

with my whole family

and sleep together in my
childhood bedroom, that's it.

We're a couple.

You get that, right?

Do you realize that
you might be wasting

four years of both of our lives

because you can't just say,
"Bye, see ya," right now,

because in this second
that feels weird?

Oh, my God, Louie,
please, I'm begging you,

for the sake of future me
and future you.

You could save
yourself another divorce

and years of false living.

You could just be a man
in this one moment

and say to me, "April,
thank you for helping me."

Y'know, "Have a good one.

See ya sometime."

Ugh!

Bye!

Are we after midnight or before
midnight right now--

Before-- it's before midnight.
It's before midnight.

But it's also after midnight.

It's always before midnight
and it's always after midnight.

***.
It's 24 hours.

Parking of vehicles only authorized
or you can't park it?

A dog or a carrot?

Or is it like "Parking the vehicles
only authorised".

Vehicles...

And then this is a green thing...

But you can't tell...

And it's...the line is straight across,
it's not even..

It's not--

It doesn't--it doesn't indicate

- that you can't do something.
- At least it's not red.

Even if it was red, I wouldn't know
what the fuck it means.