Louie (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 2 - Bummer/Blueberries - full transcript

Louie witnesses a bum's death on his way to a date, and gets propositioned for casual sex by a single mom at his daughter's school.

It's weird to live as
an average-looking guy.

It's different--

Guys that are, like,
good-looking don't have any idea

what it's like to live

and just know that there's
a whole massive section

of the female population

that you just
don't have access to.

You're just...

I-- I get so sick.

When I ( bleep ),
I just gross myself out.

I'm always on my back, and
that's for her benefit.



I just don't want
to make a woman see this.

It's just not fair.

She's so nice to let me
( bleep ) her,

there's just no way I'm
gonna put her through that.

I gotta--

And I always gotta have
my shirt on, too,

because last time
I did it without a shirt on

and I was like--

I'm like this, and it hangs.

It's a mother dog.

It's a mother dog's,
like, 14-nipple belly.

That's what happens if
I go like this.

It's happening now,
you just can't see it.

It's a six-pack for a whole
other reason.



It just hangs in sections.

It actually--

in three sections
with a split in the middle.

And it jiggles when I'm
( bleep ), too,

it's not like it's just there.

Last time I had that happen,
I looked down,

I was like, "Oh, no,"

and I looked at her
and she was looking down.

"Ew!"

I never saw her again.

Hello?

Hey-- hey, Janice.

It's-- it's--it's Louie.

Louie?
Yeah, we--

Hi.

What's up?

I'm fine, fine.

What's up?

Uh, I just was...

I'm just was--
I know that we--

I know that we met in
a professional capacity

and I don't--

i just wondered if maybe
you want to--

if we-- if you-- maybe
go to dinner sometime?

Just, you know, no--

just go out.

Sure.

Wow, really?
Yeah.

When do you want to go?

Uh, tomorrow ?

To-- to a movie or something?

Yeah.

Okay, I'll text--

I'll text you with the
particular-- exactly the place

and you'll have more data.

Great.

I'll see you then.

Who was that?

Louie CK just asked me out,
I guess.

Ha.

You said yes?
Yeah.

Not on a date,

but he could be someone
at some point, couldn't hurt.

Oh, my God, get some help!

Help what? His head came off.

Hi.

So what movie are we seeing?

What?

What movie did you want to see?

I don't care.

Oh.

Okay.

You wanted to see a movie?

I don't think I can sit a theater

and watch actors
pretend and talk, I...

Are you okay?
I'm gonna go for a walk.

You can come if you wanna.

I'll come with you.

Did you ever think how--

About how your life could end
any second?

Sure.

No, you don't.

I mean, you think
you're gonna live forever

and you probably will.

I don't think that.

It's just so arrogant
the way we live our lives.

You know, we're constantly right
on the edge of existence

and nothing and we live
in total disrespect of that.

And there's people in other
parts of the world,

like Africa or Afghanistan, who--

Those people, they know,
because they live on that edge

and they lose people
every day.

They die in a war
or in a disease thing.

And they...

And we think we're the ones.

We think this is
the important place.

Like we live in the center
of the goddamn universe.

I know.

And it's just--
it's bullshit.

It's meaningless.

I mean, I started
this day obsessed

with how this would go,
this non-date with you.

You don't want to date me,
I know that.

But I was--

"Ooh, please, God, could this
woman want to go out with me?"

And maybe if I could
upgrade us to a date

with bullshit conversation and
by seeing some crappy movie.

And it doesn't mean anything.

I mean, you could get
hit by a truck

or shot in the chest by a gun guy.

I could get thrown off a--
out of a helicopter.

You know, Janice,
you're gorgeous,

and I find you very attractive
and you're very nice.

You're not even nice, honestly.

And-- and... I just--

I'm just sick of living
this bullshit life.

Me too.

Me too.

Louie, I didn't know
what you were really like.

What do you mean?

Well, since you're being
so awesomely honest,

no, you're right.

I didn't want to go
on any date with you.

I agreed because
you're on camera

and you might be something.

I'll say it.

I'm superficial.

But wow.

You're really--

I mean, what happened?

Because the last time we met,
you were sort of...

A goof.

Yeah, well, I was attracted to
you, so I was all nervous

and acting stupid.

Well, why aren't you
like that now?

Well, something happened.

Like, when I was
on my way to see you.

What happened?

I was walking here,
to the theater,

and I was at a red light,
like, standing on this corner,

and this bum, like a homeless
guy, just came running,

he was screaming
and I turn and I see

and he's running right at me.

He's looking at me
and he's running,

like 30 miles an hour, just...

crazy.

And he gets right on
top of me, like,

and he goes to grab me
and I ducked out of the way

and he went sprawling into
the intersection,

and a garbage truck
came and hit him...

And his head came off.

What?

His head came off and it went,
"dun, dun, dun"

down the street.

It was--
it was horrible.

His head came off?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God,
and you saw that?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

That's awful.

That's so awful.

That's the worst thing
I ever heard of.

You saw that and then
you came out with me?

Yeah, that's-- that's why--

Oh, God!

I think I need to go home.

Oh, my God.

Well, but--
do you want to...

I didn't mean to upset you.

I just...

I mean, we could get a--

I thought it was
kinda going well.

I thought maybe you--
I didn't know that you--

Another time I was
on a subway and...

This woman got on the train,
young woman, and she--

You know you can tell how long
people have been in New York

by how they get on the subway?

Because people that live here
just get on, like, "Ugh."

But she got on like this,
like...

It was pretty bad last time.

I hope...

I hope nobody
pisses in my face today.

Last time, 14 people pissed
right into my mouth.

That was really traumatic for
me, but I'm hanging in there.

Still taking the train.

That's mine.
This one here?

I did it.

That's so good,
it's so good.

Nice job.

This one's yours.

I know, it says your name on it.

All right, honey,
I'll see you later.

Have a great day, okay?

Bye-bye.

See ya.
Bye-bye.

Can I talk to you
a second about Jane?

Yeah, sure.
Her math is not very strong.

She has to get strong in math.

She loves math,
she's just been struggling.

Well, she needs
to step it up.

Okay.
Okay, thank you.

Hey, you're Jane's father?
Yeah.

We never met,
I'm Nelson's mom.

Nelson's the--
Yes, he stutters.

No, I was gonna say,
he has black hair.

Nelson has blonde hair.

I don't know Nelson, then.

I have him with his father,
Gabriel, who left him.

That's--

What is your feeling
about that plasma screen?

How do you--
how do you mean that?

The PTA wants to put a plasma
screen at the school entrance

to replace
the announcement board.

I think it's a huge waste of
money and it's anti-aesthetical,

plus, I think it's just gonna
become, like,

a propaganda machine.

I don't really have an opinion.

Hmm.

That's a cop-out.

Yeah, I guess it is.

I just-- you know,
I think that board is fine,

I think a plasma screen
would be okay.

I doubt it would be
propaganda, but I don't know,

so I don't really--

I kinda just don't care,
so I guess--

I don't know what your deal is,

but do you wanna
go out sometime?

You know what,
dating somebody from school--

I'll be real honest with you.

I don't date at all.

I'm not gonna let someone
into my life in that way.

I have things under control
and I just don't need it.

Yeah, it's totally--

But I haven't had sex
in a very long time.

I'm approaching you
about this

because you seem
safe and discreet,

that's what I am,

so if you want to come over
some night and fool around,

I'm just saying, it would be
uncomplicated.

At least from my end.

Well--my name is Delores,
I'm on the class list.

E-mail me if you
want to do anything.

Okay.

Hey.

Hey, I'm here for the thing--

Can you take off your shoes, please?
Sure.

Just--

Sorry.

I hate boots, it's--

Is Nelson--

No, Nelson is with his dad.

Oh, okay.

Do you want to have
intercourse now?

Are you ready?

Because I don't mind going
to bed, if that's what you want.

Uh... sure.

Yeah, okay, come on.
Okay.

Intercourse.

I'll be right back.

Oh, okay, sorry.

You know, the PTA is so full of it,

'cause they generate
all these e-mails

about fund-raising and how
everybody needs to pitch in

and then they don't want
anyone to have any say

into how the money is spent.

How does that make any sense?

Yeah.

That's...

Oh, shit.

What?

Can you run downstairs
and pick up a few things?

Downstairs?

There's a pharmacy.

Can you get some lubricant?

And also, did you bring condoms?

Yeah.
What kind?

I got these.

Ugh, that has an irritant.

Just get some condoms with
no spermicide, no lubricant,

and get some lubricant separately.

Lubricant?

Yes, sexual lubricant,
condoms,

and can you also
get some Vagitine?

Vagitine?
Yes, my vagina's irritated.

Oh, well, maybe this--

No, no, it's fine,
I just need some Vagitine.

No, it's all right,
I got it, I got it.

No, you are not
buying my Vagitine.

I'm not going down that road,
I told you.

I just want you
to pick it up.

Listen, Delores.

What?

Nothing, I'll be
right back, okay?

Okay, thanks.

And also, can you get
blueberries?

Can I help you?

Yeah, I need condoms,
sexual lubricant,

Vagitine, and blueberries.

Lubricant, aisle seven,
Vagitine, aisle three,

next to the tampons,
condoms behind the counter.

We ain't got no blueberries.

Thank you.

Hello?

Yeah, no, I got it.

They don't have
blueberries, though.

Well, can you go to the deli
on seventh?

It's only a block away.

Delores, listen, I--

Please, get blueberries.

Okay.

All right, I'll see you in a bit.

Oh, daddy !

Oh!
What?

Oh, please!

Yeah.
Please, yeah!

Oh!

Just hit me, please.

Uh...

Please, spank me and I'll
suck you off, I promise.

You want me to--

You want me to spank you?

Yes, daddy, please.

Oh!

Daddy.

Oh, daddy!

Daddy, I'm so bad!

Yeah.

Yeah, spank me!

Yeah, huh.

Bad.
Oh, daddy!

Oh, I'm so sorry!

Hit me!

Yeah!
Oh, daddy!

Bad, you're bad, huh?

Oh, daddy!
You're bad...

Daddy!

Shouldn't have
done that, huh?

Oh, daddy!

Hey.

Oh, daddy, I'm so sorry!

Oh, daddy!

Do you think that--

Have you thought about
middle schools?

I was hanging out
with a couple that I know...

And they're married. They're 43 like me
and they're married.

It's pretty much once you're 43
you're either married, you're divorced....

You don't really... After 43,
the window's closed. You're staying.

And...

It's true...That's...Nobody cares
that you're relating to this, shut up.

It's not interesting or important.
I don't care.

Al right, I get it. You're all well dressed,
you all work together,

but no, you're not get at the focus
of this show. You're not, just shut up.

No one's gonna want to watch a TV show
about that I talk to some guy who's

all his friends took him out.
Come on, shut up.

I'd rather do it with an empty table here
and it will be if you don't shut up.

Al right, so move away...

Here's what happens... 43...