Louie (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 1 - Pregnant - full transcript
Louie gets a surprise visit from his pregnant sister, who has to be rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night with severe pains.
- Ow.
- Sorry.
- Daddy, can I ask you something?
- We finish brushing first.
Daddy! But I really
wanna ask you something.
Okay, what do you want to ask me?
When are we gonna
go to mom's again?
Okay. Tomorrow I take you to school.
And then mom picks you up.
And then you're with her for a few
days, and then you come back here.
Well, okay.
I like mommy's better.
I like mommy's better
because she makes good food.
And I love her more
so I like being there more.
Okay. Alright, baby.
I like being here too.
It's just... mom's better.
Okay.
Let's rinse and spit, alright?
Go on! Alright, go get on your PJs!
Okay baby!
So, I've got 2 kids, 5 and 9.
And I... I love it.
I love having kids but it's hard.
It can be very difficult.
One thing that's difficult is that
they are very different ages.
Very different developmental stages.
And, uh, I have them to myself
when I have them.
My ex-wife and I split
custody. I'm with them half the week
I have to find things that
the 3 of us can do together.
Now, my 9 year old can do a lot.
She got a lot of skills,
a lot of things she can do.
The 5 year old's not
much good at anything really.
And it's not to put her, she's five
but she's shitty at
pretty much everything.
We can't do things that
outclass her abilities.
So we just have to be all dragged
down to her shitty skill level.
We're like three 5-year-olds
of different sizes, basically.
Because nothing. Let's go for a bike
riding at the river.
"I'm not very confident on my
bicycle". Okay, let's just sit...
And play the card game,
where no one loses.
We went swimming one time.
The three of us. That was a nightmare
because we're in this pool.
There was a deep and a shallow end.
The older one is in the deep end,
the 9-year-old she's having...
...a ball. But she's lonely.
Who wants to swim by themselves?
She's in the deep, doing flipper tricks,
and she's like "Daddy, swim with me"!
I can't!
Cause I'm in the shower with the
little one, who's clinging to my leg.
In fear. "Don't put me
in the water!" I'm like...
It's not... it's this... it's
to your tits at the highest.
Just stand there.
It's fine.
No, I'm gonna drown,
there's sharks!
Why would I lie to you?
Really? I would put you in
and "Haha, you're drowning!"
"I tricked you to death"?
Really, I'm gonna do that?
If I wanted to kill you,
I'd wait 'till you're asleep
and go like this for 4 minutes.
And then it's over.
Okay? That's how easy
it would be to kill you.
You should thank me every
morning you wake up alive.
That's how easy it
would be to kill you.
I know how to look after you!
I'm good at it!
You're not dead yet!
Lily, do your homework.
Stop reading and do
your homework, please.
Goddamn I hate being ignored.
I really do. I really hate it.
Please. Homework.
Do it, please.
- Sorry, daddy.
- It's okay, thank you very much.
- Here you go.
- Thank you, daddy.
You're welcome.
Can I have a mango pop?
No, there's only one.
That's not fair.
- It's not fair, daddy.
- What?
Lily got a mango pop and I didn't get one.
Yup.
Well, that's not fair.
I don't know even
know what that means.
- Why does she get one, and not me?
- Cause she's a separate person from you.
You're never gonna get the same things as
other people. It's never gonna be equal.
It's not gonna happen every of your life so,
you must learn that now, okay?
Well then I get something else yummy
- I get something else.
- What do you mean you get?
- I get something else yummy.
- No, nobody.
Okay, nobody gets anything.
She got something.
She got a mango pop.
Yep. That's... That's...
Right now she's lucky.
And you're not particularly lucky.
Maybe later you'll be lucky.
- Maybe...
- But it's so not fair!
You only should be concerned with
what somebody else--
It's not fair!
I'm telling you something right now.
You should only ever be concerned
- with...
- You are not fair.
The only time you look
in your neighbors bowl
is to make sure
that they have enough.
You don't look at your neighbour's
bowl to see if they have..
..it's to make sure you have
as much as them. You want to
just make sure that they are...
- Can I please have some calcium chocolate?
- Yes, you can have a calcium chocolate.
Make sure your
sister gets one too.
- Thank you, daddy.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
Oh my God!
- Oh holy sh...
- Let me give you a hug, little brother.
God!
- Where are those little pieces of shit?
- Girls!
- Hello!
- Girls!
- It's your aunt Gretchen.
- Oh... my... God.
- Yay.
- Oh my God!
Oh, I want to kill you both,
I hate you so much.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, I'm not staying,
- I'm just in town to get procedure tomorrow.
- No, no, you're staying.
- Dude, I'm fine.
- Shut up yourself.
- You're staying.
- I just wanted to surprise you.
Come on, get in.
Get inside.
- They're sleeping now.
- Huh. Wow.
It's 8 o'clock. You're amazing.
And good dinner too.
You're really doing the
dad thing for real.
Yeah, well...
Seriously, Louie. Some of didn't know
if you were gonna show up for this.
- I know. Me too.
- But you're really doing it.
No, you're not a bullshit
Sunday dad, like some people we know.
You're raising your girls.
Well, I get a lot out of it too.
I love having 'em here,
they keep me company.
- Yeah.
- You know it's not boring, I mean...
Alright, there are times when
I wish that... they weren't alive.
Yeah.
It gets hard though.
It can be hard.
Well, no shit. And they need it.
They need their dad.
Especially when they're mom
is such a piece of shit.
- Please, don't.
- She sucks shit out of a sprinkler.
Listen, I gotta be at peace
with her, you know?
I mean her folks probably
say the same shit about me.
I'm sure they do.
And F them, and F her.
I know you don't go there
but I get to say what I want.
I had to go to that stupid wedding
of yours and pretend. Not anymore.
- Please stop.
- Yeah, but kinda keep going, right?
I know. She's your kid's mom.
And you made her that and
when you made that choice.
You had to live with that
but I didn't.
So, I get to say that pasty,
big tittied, black-eyed
Guinea bitch can suck my dick.
Oh, wow, daddy, that's harsh.
Okay.
- When are you due?
- 2 months.
- Maybe.
- Maybe?
Well, since I lost the last one
I don't believe anything they say.
- And so...
- So, who's the dad?
- It's an interesting question.
- Who cares?
- Okay.
- No, there is no dad.
There's no dad?
Donor number 647.
- Ah, okay.
- And uhm...
Carlos and I aren't together anymore.
And after we lost the last one...
I am sorry.
Shit.
When we lost the last one...
We just went through too much.
You know it got ugly. And...
He left and...
I looked in my life and...
I said "screw it"!
You know I'm in my 40s.
I'm fatter than shit.
I don't want a man,
I wanna be a mom.
Mom is... the only person
I ever admired, you know?
Yeah.
- You're going to be an uncle.
- Good, man.
- That's alright.
- Yeah.
When you get divorced, you
don't get divorced right on time.
Nobody gets divorced right,
perfect. It just went bah, now!
Let's stop.
That's not what happens.
You get divorced after
being in a... just a shit
marriage for several years.
And you were only aware of it for one
because... by the way I know you're
all getting quiet and sad.
It's not... It's not...
I'm not saying don't get married.
By the way: go ahead and get married.
Fall in love. Get married.
And then get divorced.
And raise your kids properly in
2 well-adjusted happy homes.
What can be better than that?
Would you rather grow up
in a home full of just gnarly [beep].
This shit passed on
from generation to ge...
You know, like an unbroken
chain of shitty marriages.
And they're all like weigh
on this one little child's head. This big.
And it's grandma and
grandpa's shit marriage.
And the parent and the kids like...
And the kid carries it through their life,
until he finds someone else
to give him the half of it.
And now they have two and they
[beep] crush it down on another kid's head.
It's just humane...
...to go let his kid be in 2
houses full of people
that are just [bleep] and having fun.
And not yelling at each other.
It's fair to do that.
Ahh.
Oh my God.
Ahh!
Gretchen?
- Oh Jesus.
- Gretchen.
- What's the matter?
- That hurts.
You're having a baby right now?
No, it hurts in a different kinda hurt.
- Ah, my baby's dying.
- No-no-no...
Oh no.
Get me to the hospital.
- Just a second.
- Get me.
- I'm calling 911.
- No, no, get me to a hospital!
- Just get me there.
- Gretchen, I need you to just...
Alright, just a second.
- Get me to the hospital.
- Who's knocking at
the goddamn door!
What?
- Who are you?
- We are neighbours from across the hall.
We heard screaming.
I'm sorry, we're having
a pregnant emergency right now.
No, friend, you misunderstand. We didn't come
to complain, we came because someone's hurt.
What? What?
- We came to help. To help you.
- No, thank you very much.
My friend, my friend.
Stop for a second.
Think. Take a breath.
Thinking will help. Hyperventilating will not.
Tell me your situation.
Why she's screaming? We don't think you're
hurting her, but tell me what's going on.
Alright, okay, okay!
Okay, okay, okay.
It's okay.
Tell me. What?
My sister's pregnant, and she's
having a bad pain.
And I'm alone with her, but I
have my kids here. I don't know what--
It's okay. Peter will stay with the children,
you and I will take your sister to the hospital.
- No, no, no.
- Friend.
You have no choice.
We are your neighbours.
If we steal your kids,
just come knock on the door,
and we'll give them back.
Peter is a born mother. You need
help getting her to the hospital.
I called 911.
If your emergency is of
a medical nature...
- 911 is for shit.
- Such assholes.
Brother.
Do not let your sister die
from pain or lose her baby,
because you're awkward with strangers.
You have to think fast
and make the right choice.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Oh God no.
Okay. We're going to the hospital.
Oh my God.
Do they have any food allergies?
What? No!
Oh shit.
Taxi! Taxi!
Taxi! Hey!
Asshole!
Nobody's stopping.
Would you? Look at us.
Take her please. Take her.
[Spanish]
Hey! He's going to take us.
Oh God! Ow!
Thank you!
Help!
Help now! Help!
Please. Please.
Two months! Two months!
I'm sorry.
I'm fine.
Okay.
Excuse me.
Thank you very much, I'm sorry.
Dude.
So, you going to be OK?
Yeah, she's already asleep, so...
- The kids didn't wake up?
- No. Darn it. I wanted to see them.
Well we should do that sometime.
- Good night.
- Thank you. Thank you very much.
- Good night, my friend.
- Hey.
Yes? Yes?
I know it was just a fart, but...
I couldn't have gone
through that without you.
That's okay.
I just I was really...
...scared.
I was really scared.
That's because she's not my sister.
That's why you need neighbours,
people that aren't in your family to
help you when you need it.
Well I didn't even know
you guys were there.
No, you didn't.
But now you do.
Now you who your neighbours are.
Don't forget it.
Good night!
I have a new friend.
Which is weird, I'm 43.
And I'm a father, I'm divorced.
I have a new friend.
And it makes me a little sick to
my stomach, I don't like it.
Do you ever make a new friend?
When you young people make new friends,
it's easy 'cause you're just young
and you just... you're fabulous
I'm 43, and when I'm starting
to make a friend it's creepy.
It's creepy like... I hung out
with this guy who I don't know.
And then I was like... I'm
inside my head, I want to see him again.
I wanna see this guy again.
If I just let him go
I'll never see him again.
I need to say something.
And I felt so sick,
like I felt... so disgusting.
Why did it bother me so much to say to
this fella "I'd like to see you again."
It's just... I realized it was
because I was afraid
that he might say no.
I was afraid
of being rejected!
I don't wanna make
him say that, but I did.
I said I'd really like to...
hang out again.
And he said "Yeah. Okay" and uhm...
..and then I ate his asshole.
It's my new friend!
What are friends for?
If you don't eat your friend's
asshole with your tongue
you're a piece of shit, you're not
a friend, you're not a friend.
You're a fairweather friend.
I love that kid!
I love that kid to pieces.
But I wish she was never born.
That's how it feels.
In certain tiny moments.
Any parent who's
honest will tell you
that you live with that ambivalence.
You just have it. You look at
the face of your beautiful, lovely child.
And you think two things
at the exact same time.
I love this kid so much
that it's changed my whole life.
I love people, other people more,
because of how much I love her.
I love people that died
years ago more.
Like my love has traveled time.
Because of how much
I love her and she loves me back.
She's completely given value
to life that didn't exist before.
And I regret every decision
that led to her birth.
That's how it feels!
- Sorry.
- Daddy, can I ask you something?
- We finish brushing first.
Daddy! But I really
wanna ask you something.
Okay, what do you want to ask me?
When are we gonna
go to mom's again?
Okay. Tomorrow I take you to school.
And then mom picks you up.
And then you're with her for a few
days, and then you come back here.
Well, okay.
I like mommy's better.
I like mommy's better
because she makes good food.
And I love her more
so I like being there more.
Okay. Alright, baby.
I like being here too.
It's just... mom's better.
Okay.
Let's rinse and spit, alright?
Go on! Alright, go get on your PJs!
Okay baby!
So, I've got 2 kids, 5 and 9.
And I... I love it.
I love having kids but it's hard.
It can be very difficult.
One thing that's difficult is that
they are very different ages.
Very different developmental stages.
And, uh, I have them to myself
when I have them.
My ex-wife and I split
custody. I'm with them half the week
I have to find things that
the 3 of us can do together.
Now, my 9 year old can do a lot.
She got a lot of skills,
a lot of things she can do.
The 5 year old's not
much good at anything really.
And it's not to put her, she's five
but she's shitty at
pretty much everything.
We can't do things that
outclass her abilities.
So we just have to be all dragged
down to her shitty skill level.
We're like three 5-year-olds
of different sizes, basically.
Because nothing. Let's go for a bike
riding at the river.
"I'm not very confident on my
bicycle". Okay, let's just sit...
And play the card game,
where no one loses.
We went swimming one time.
The three of us. That was a nightmare
because we're in this pool.
There was a deep and a shallow end.
The older one is in the deep end,
the 9-year-old she's having...
...a ball. But she's lonely.
Who wants to swim by themselves?
She's in the deep, doing flipper tricks,
and she's like "Daddy, swim with me"!
I can't!
Cause I'm in the shower with the
little one, who's clinging to my leg.
In fear. "Don't put me
in the water!" I'm like...
It's not... it's this... it's
to your tits at the highest.
Just stand there.
It's fine.
No, I'm gonna drown,
there's sharks!
Why would I lie to you?
Really? I would put you in
and "Haha, you're drowning!"
"I tricked you to death"?
Really, I'm gonna do that?
If I wanted to kill you,
I'd wait 'till you're asleep
and go like this for 4 minutes.
And then it's over.
Okay? That's how easy
it would be to kill you.
You should thank me every
morning you wake up alive.
That's how easy it
would be to kill you.
I know how to look after you!
I'm good at it!
You're not dead yet!
Lily, do your homework.
Stop reading and do
your homework, please.
Goddamn I hate being ignored.
I really do. I really hate it.
Please. Homework.
Do it, please.
- Sorry, daddy.
- It's okay, thank you very much.
- Here you go.
- Thank you, daddy.
You're welcome.
Can I have a mango pop?
No, there's only one.
That's not fair.
- It's not fair, daddy.
- What?
Lily got a mango pop and I didn't get one.
Yup.
Well, that's not fair.
I don't know even
know what that means.
- Why does she get one, and not me?
- Cause she's a separate person from you.
You're never gonna get the same things as
other people. It's never gonna be equal.
It's not gonna happen every of your life so,
you must learn that now, okay?
Well then I get something else yummy
- I get something else.
- What do you mean you get?
- I get something else yummy.
- No, nobody.
Okay, nobody gets anything.
She got something.
She got a mango pop.
Yep. That's... That's...
Right now she's lucky.
And you're not particularly lucky.
Maybe later you'll be lucky.
- Maybe...
- But it's so not fair!
You only should be concerned with
what somebody else--
It's not fair!
I'm telling you something right now.
You should only ever be concerned
- with...
- You are not fair.
The only time you look
in your neighbors bowl
is to make sure
that they have enough.
You don't look at your neighbour's
bowl to see if they have..
..it's to make sure you have
as much as them. You want to
just make sure that they are...
- Can I please have some calcium chocolate?
- Yes, you can have a calcium chocolate.
Make sure your
sister gets one too.
- Thank you, daddy.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
Oh my God!
- Oh holy sh...
- Let me give you a hug, little brother.
God!
- Where are those little pieces of shit?
- Girls!
- Hello!
- Girls!
- It's your aunt Gretchen.
- Oh... my... God.
- Yay.
- Oh my God!
Oh, I want to kill you both,
I hate you so much.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, I'm not staying,
- I'm just in town to get procedure tomorrow.
- No, no, you're staying.
- Dude, I'm fine.
- Shut up yourself.
- You're staying.
- I just wanted to surprise you.
Come on, get in.
Get inside.
- They're sleeping now.
- Huh. Wow.
It's 8 o'clock. You're amazing.
And good dinner too.
You're really doing the
dad thing for real.
Yeah, well...
Seriously, Louie. Some of didn't know
if you were gonna show up for this.
- I know. Me too.
- But you're really doing it.
No, you're not a bullshit
Sunday dad, like some people we know.
You're raising your girls.
Well, I get a lot out of it too.
I love having 'em here,
they keep me company.
- Yeah.
- You know it's not boring, I mean...
Alright, there are times when
I wish that... they weren't alive.
Yeah.
It gets hard though.
It can be hard.
Well, no shit. And they need it.
They need their dad.
Especially when they're mom
is such a piece of shit.
- Please, don't.
- She sucks shit out of a sprinkler.
Listen, I gotta be at peace
with her, you know?
I mean her folks probably
say the same shit about me.
I'm sure they do.
And F them, and F her.
I know you don't go there
but I get to say what I want.
I had to go to that stupid wedding
of yours and pretend. Not anymore.
- Please stop.
- Yeah, but kinda keep going, right?
I know. She's your kid's mom.
And you made her that and
when you made that choice.
You had to live with that
but I didn't.
So, I get to say that pasty,
big tittied, black-eyed
Guinea bitch can suck my dick.
Oh, wow, daddy, that's harsh.
Okay.
- When are you due?
- 2 months.
- Maybe.
- Maybe?
Well, since I lost the last one
I don't believe anything they say.
- And so...
- So, who's the dad?
- It's an interesting question.
- Who cares?
- Okay.
- No, there is no dad.
There's no dad?
Donor number 647.
- Ah, okay.
- And uhm...
Carlos and I aren't together anymore.
And after we lost the last one...
I am sorry.
Shit.
When we lost the last one...
We just went through too much.
You know it got ugly. And...
He left and...
I looked in my life and...
I said "screw it"!
You know I'm in my 40s.
I'm fatter than shit.
I don't want a man,
I wanna be a mom.
Mom is... the only person
I ever admired, you know?
Yeah.
- You're going to be an uncle.
- Good, man.
- That's alright.
- Yeah.
When you get divorced, you
don't get divorced right on time.
Nobody gets divorced right,
perfect. It just went bah, now!
Let's stop.
That's not what happens.
You get divorced after
being in a... just a shit
marriage for several years.
And you were only aware of it for one
because... by the way I know you're
all getting quiet and sad.
It's not... It's not...
I'm not saying don't get married.
By the way: go ahead and get married.
Fall in love. Get married.
And then get divorced.
And raise your kids properly in
2 well-adjusted happy homes.
What can be better than that?
Would you rather grow up
in a home full of just gnarly [beep].
This shit passed on
from generation to ge...
You know, like an unbroken
chain of shitty marriages.
And they're all like weigh
on this one little child's head. This big.
And it's grandma and
grandpa's shit marriage.
And the parent and the kids like...
And the kid carries it through their life,
until he finds someone else
to give him the half of it.
And now they have two and they
[beep] crush it down on another kid's head.
It's just humane...
...to go let his kid be in 2
houses full of people
that are just [bleep] and having fun.
And not yelling at each other.
It's fair to do that.
Ahh.
Oh my God.
Ahh!
Gretchen?
- Oh Jesus.
- Gretchen.
- What's the matter?
- That hurts.
You're having a baby right now?
No, it hurts in a different kinda hurt.
- Ah, my baby's dying.
- No-no-no...
Oh no.
Get me to the hospital.
- Just a second.
- Get me.
- I'm calling 911.
- No, no, get me to a hospital!
- Just get me there.
- Gretchen, I need you to just...
Alright, just a second.
- Get me to the hospital.
- Who's knocking at
the goddamn door!
What?
- Who are you?
- We are neighbours from across the hall.
We heard screaming.
I'm sorry, we're having
a pregnant emergency right now.
No, friend, you misunderstand. We didn't come
to complain, we came because someone's hurt.
What? What?
- We came to help. To help you.
- No, thank you very much.
My friend, my friend.
Stop for a second.
Think. Take a breath.
Thinking will help. Hyperventilating will not.
Tell me your situation.
Why she's screaming? We don't think you're
hurting her, but tell me what's going on.
Alright, okay, okay!
Okay, okay, okay.
It's okay.
Tell me. What?
My sister's pregnant, and she's
having a bad pain.
And I'm alone with her, but I
have my kids here. I don't know what--
It's okay. Peter will stay with the children,
you and I will take your sister to the hospital.
- No, no, no.
- Friend.
You have no choice.
We are your neighbours.
If we steal your kids,
just come knock on the door,
and we'll give them back.
Peter is a born mother. You need
help getting her to the hospital.
I called 911.
If your emergency is of
a medical nature...
- 911 is for shit.
- Such assholes.
Brother.
Do not let your sister die
from pain or lose her baby,
because you're awkward with strangers.
You have to think fast
and make the right choice.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Oh God no.
Okay. We're going to the hospital.
Oh my God.
Do they have any food allergies?
What? No!
Oh shit.
Taxi! Taxi!
Taxi! Hey!
Asshole!
Nobody's stopping.
Would you? Look at us.
Take her please. Take her.
[Spanish]
Hey! He's going to take us.
Oh God! Ow!
Thank you!
Help!
Help now! Help!
Please. Please.
Two months! Two months!
I'm sorry.
I'm fine.
Okay.
Excuse me.
Thank you very much, I'm sorry.
Dude.
So, you going to be OK?
Yeah, she's already asleep, so...
- The kids didn't wake up?
- No. Darn it. I wanted to see them.
Well we should do that sometime.
- Good night.
- Thank you. Thank you very much.
- Good night, my friend.
- Hey.
Yes? Yes?
I know it was just a fart, but...
I couldn't have gone
through that without you.
That's okay.
I just I was really...
...scared.
I was really scared.
That's because she's not my sister.
That's why you need neighbours,
people that aren't in your family to
help you when you need it.
Well I didn't even know
you guys were there.
No, you didn't.
But now you do.
Now you who your neighbours are.
Don't forget it.
Good night!
I have a new friend.
Which is weird, I'm 43.
And I'm a father, I'm divorced.
I have a new friend.
And it makes me a little sick to
my stomach, I don't like it.
Do you ever make a new friend?
When you young people make new friends,
it's easy 'cause you're just young
and you just... you're fabulous
I'm 43, and when I'm starting
to make a friend it's creepy.
It's creepy like... I hung out
with this guy who I don't know.
And then I was like... I'm
inside my head, I want to see him again.
I wanna see this guy again.
If I just let him go
I'll never see him again.
I need to say something.
And I felt so sick,
like I felt... so disgusting.
Why did it bother me so much to say to
this fella "I'd like to see you again."
It's just... I realized it was
because I was afraid
that he might say no.
I was afraid
of being rejected!
I don't wanna make
him say that, but I did.
I said I'd really like to...
hang out again.
And he said "Yeah. Okay" and uhm...
..and then I ate his asshole.
It's my new friend!
What are friends for?
If you don't eat your friend's
asshole with your tongue
you're a piece of shit, you're not
a friend, you're not a friend.
You're a fairweather friend.
I love that kid!
I love that kid to pieces.
But I wish she was never born.
That's how it feels.
In certain tiny moments.
Any parent who's
honest will tell you
that you live with that ambivalence.
You just have it. You look at
the face of your beautiful, lovely child.
And you think two things
at the exact same time.
I love this kid so much
that it's changed my whole life.
I love people, other people more,
because of how much I love her.
I love people that died
years ago more.
Like my love has traveled time.
Because of how much
I love her and she loves me back.
She's completely given value
to life that didn't exist before.
And I regret every decision
that led to her birth.
That's how it feels!