Louie (2010–2015): Season 1, Episode 2 - Poker/Divorce - full transcript

I have running water and a toilet.
That's all it took.

Ka-ching. Ching.

I seduced a harp player.

A harp player?
A harp player.

He goes, "She's young, cute."
He goes, "She doesn't work here."

Waitresses there hate him since then.

Is that bad?
- That's terrible.

You're my sister.

And I wanna do open mikes.

Yes, honest to God.

Behind a Dunkin' Donuts?



Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, sorry.

Deal.
All right.

Two gets a nine,
that's flushing, queen gets a jack.

Wait, is this high-low?
Yes, it's high-low.

Seven of hearts, five--
Know what you can do with this?

Shove it up your mother's shitmaker.

I don't think it'll fit.
Her ass is crammed...

...with those dicks she finds
behind the bus station.

That doesn't make any sense.

What Nick is saying
is your mother goes to the bus station...

...and she gets
like old, thrown-away penises there.

Like out back where they keep those.
Like in a bin.

She does it so much
her ass is just crammed full.



Your mom does that?

I don't know.
- Let me finish.

All right.
She just crams them in there...

...and uses one of those coffee tampers
for espresso machines. Pushes them--

I got it earlier--

Wait a minute, I'm not finished.

And she just shoves them in there,
just comp-- It's just compressed.

It's like she's almost crushing dicks
into like a dick diamond...

...Iike a pink diamond. And so,
you know, try to get a card in there.

Okay, that does make sense.

What's that feel like?
- What?

A dick in the ass.

You're asking me
because I'm gay?

No, I'm asking you
because you're very learned.

Yeah, because you're
the only gay person here.

You interested for any particular reason?
You need a breath mint, my friend.

Hey, Rick, is it true there's
a club in this city called Jerks...

...where gay guys stand around,
play with each other's dicks?

Yeah, City Jerks.
Oh, my God.

What is wrong with you people?

There's a club like that?
It's not a club per se.

It's like a floating party.
Meets in different locations every week.

What goes on there?
Do we need to hear this?

Shut up and learn something.

Hey, why don't you shut up?
Nice one.

Don't want to.
Well, City Jerks is a gathering...

...sometimes in a hotel room...

...sometimes at a club,
and, you know, different places.

And it started, basically,
when AIDS did.

They wanted a club
where guys could have...

...Iike a group sexual outlet
but still play safe.

You know, so at this--
You know, at these meetings...

...they get together,
some guys go one-on-one...

...some guys go in a huddle.

Like what goes on?

You masturbate each other.
Ugh, Jesus.

I thought masturbation
meant only one person.

So you stand in a room
and you jerk each other off?

That's why they call it City Jerks.

Well, you could just watch.

A lot of guys like to watch
while another guy pleasures himself.

Stop. Stop telling this.
I'm gonna puke.

Is there a lesser charge for watching?
- No, no, no.

Like auditing a class?
- No, because you're never--

What's a huddle?
You said "huddle." What's that?

It's a huddle,
where you huddle together...

...and everybody reaches in,
and you kind of help yourself.

To cocks and balls.
Sure.

Oh, my God. What--?

What are they in, a candy dish?

Jesus Christ,
what are you people thinking?

Is there like a quarterback of the huddle?
And he's like, "You jerk him, you jerk him.

Break."

"Break. On two."

- On two.
- What if somebody recognizes you?

Say hi.

Well, you'll be pleased to know
everybody's naked...

...except for shoes and socks.

Why shoes and socks?
After a while, the floor is full--

All right! I get it!

Christ!
- That much?

You gotta put on shoes?
Like Timberlands? Thick shoes?

No. Just regular shoes
with a rubber sole.

Sure. Something stylish, though?
Florsheim has some stuff, you know.

- Or snowshoes or something.
- Flip-flops.

Flippers.
Flip-flops.

Mud cleats.
A mud cleat-- That's another club.

That's one of Jim's clubs.
- Mud cleats.

- Yeah.
- I know it's a free country, Rick...

...and I don't care what you guys do but--
- Thanks, Nick.

Next time I'm about to go down
on a juicy cock...

...I'll remember it's all right with you.

You should have that stamped
on the head of the cock:

Nick-approved.
Nick's face.

I don't care and God bless you.
But I gotta be honest...

...what you guys do,
it really makes me sick.

And not on a political,
Bible level either.

I mean, just picturing you
touch another guy's dick, that's gross.

Is that how you feel about what we do?

What, sex with women?

Yeah, do you get grossed out
thinking about pussy?

I don't think about pussy.

You know, I don't care what you guys do.
You're the ones who asked me.

And you guys ask me this shit
every time I'm here.

I talk about gay sex more with you guys
than I do with any of my gay friends.

You guys are obsessed.

Well, I'm curious.
I don't know that I'm obsessed.

Really? You, who says "faggot" onstage
more than you say hello?

Hello?
Who says hello more than once onstage?

Who says hello onstage at all?
Yeah. Hello?

I mean in life. In life, he says--
More than he says it in life.

Rick, does it offend you
when I say that?

What word? Hello?
No, faggot.

Yeah, does it bother you
when he says the word faggot?

No, it bothers me when you say it.
Because you mean it.

But really, as a comedian and a gay guy.
You're the only gay comic I know.

Do you think
I shouldn't be using that word onstage?

I think you should use
whatever word you want.

When you use it onstage,
I can see it's funny and I don't care.

But are you interested to know
what it might mean to gay men?

Yeah, I am interested.
Well...

...the word "faggot" really means a
bundle of sticks used for kindling in a fire.

Now, in the Middle Ages...

...when they burned people
they thought were witches...

...they used to burn homosexuals too.

They burned the witches at a stake.

But they thought the homosexuals
were too low and disgusting...

...to be given a stake to be burned on...

...so they used to just throw them in
with the kindling, with the other faggots.

So that's how you get "flaming faggot."

So you're saying gay people
are a good alternative fuel source?

That's where they get the term
"diesel dyke."

I'm sorry, go ahead.

You might wanna know
that every gay man in America...

...has probably had that word
shouted at them...

...when they're being beaten up.

Sometimes many times.
Sometimes by a lot of people all at once.

So when you say it...

...it kind of brings that all back up.

But, you know, by all means, use it,
get your laughs.

But, you know,
now you know what it means.

Okay, faggot, we'll keep that in mind.

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

Louie, Louie, you're gonna die

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

Getting divorced is like, uh....

It's like stepping out of a time machine.

That's what it's like.
I got married when I was 28...

...divorced when I was 42.
Somebody please tell me how long that is.

Fourteen years.
Thank you.

That's my wife.

I was married when I was 28, divorced
when I was 42, so I was married 14 years.

And so getting divorced
is like stepping out of a time machine...

...that traveled you 14 years.

But it's a really shitty time machine.

It's the kind of time machine
where it takes the real amount of time...

...to take you to the future.

It's basically just a--

Like if a time machine was a box
that you get in...

...and sit in it for two years,
and then it's two years later.

That's really what marriage is.

Well, that's it. You're divorced.

Dude, you're divorced.
That's just weird.

Well, it's not that weird, you know?

It's-- I look at it positively.
It's change. Change happens.

Yeah, but it's weird. It's just
really weird that you're divorced.

That's not the greatest thing
to keep saying now.

I'm just saying, you know?
You've always been this guy.

Mr. Married, with the wife,
you had the kids, and now you got nothing.

Nothing.

I don't have nothing.

I got my kids, we're sharing custody.
They're with me for half of every week.

Yeah, but still, you lost your kids.

You're gonna keep saying
what you're saying.

I'm just saying
I'm worried about you, bro.

I don't want you to kill yourself.

Jesus, Bobby, I'm not gonna kill myself.

I'm just saying, you know?
Your life looks pretty bleak.

Okay?

I'm upset. I'm upset.
Could you shut up?

I don't feel negative about this.
You're trying to make me feel negative.

I'm not talking about how you feel.

I'm saying I'm upset.

I mean, I have feelings too.

I'm your brother and I'm upset.

I get it, okay?

I'm trying to see the positive.

I'm single now,
I can be with anybody I want.

You know what's really sad?

What?

What's sad is you're too old
to get anybody else.

You just signed a paper
that guarantees...

...you're gonna die alone in a room
with a blanket over you...

...and the nurse comes in
and just shuts the machine off.

Dude.

Well, picture that.

Now, also, I'm 42. So I'm getting--
I'm really on the decline.

There's never gonna be another year
of my life...

...that was better than the year before.

That's never gonna happen again.

I've seen my best years.

I thought, "Okay, now I'm gonna start--"
See, you kind of like go up like this:

Then I thought you're gonna start--
No. It's exponential.

The loss of ability, agility
and breath is exponential.

Last year, I lost 90 percent
of my health and well-being.

So I had 10 percent
of what I did the year before.

Now, this year,
I've lost 90 percent of that 10 percent...

...so now I have 10--

You don't understand
what exponential means.

So....

Oh, my God. Nightmare.

Tammy.

Tammy Wickilinis.

What are you looking at?

Nothing.

You're funny-looking.

No, sir.
You look just normal.

Hey.

You wanna see something?
Sure.

Come over here.

What's that?

It was my dad's at the hospital.

He had a car accident. He died.

Some creepy shit, right?

I mean, you're holding that.

My dead dad wore that.

Frigging creepy, right?

You wanna keep it?

Oh, my God.

Hey.
Hey, what's up?

You want a shot?
No.

Come on.
It's only peppermint schnapps.

No.

Okay, so I'll see you later.

Yeah, okay.

Hey.
Yeah?

What are you, stupid?
What?

Do you like me?

Do you like me, like, as a girl?

Yeah.
Okay, so whip it out.

What?
Come on, whip it out.

Tammy.

My God, you showed up.

Yeah, hi.

Hey. Well, come in.

You still wanna come in, right?

Yeah, sure, of course.

So, uh, do you remember me much?

No. To be honest, no.

But you remembered me.

Obviously, you looked me up.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

So, what do you remember?

What?

Just, uh, nothing. I-- We had a moment.

You and me had like a moment...

...and it kind of stuck with me.

Really? What?

Nothing, just, uh--

Whip it out.

Something you said to me that--

It just kind of-- It just--

Come on, whip it out.

You know, when you're kids--
Like, we were kids, so--

We ain't kids no more, huh?

Nope.

I used to be a pretty hot little shit
back then, wasn't I?

Yep.
Not anymore.

Well, don't say that.
No, that's all right. Nobody stays like that.

I'm 42. I got three kids, husband.

And here I am.

What about you?

Well, I got married and I got two girls.

Nice.
Yeah.

And I'm divorced now.

Oh, that's why you're Facebooking.
Playing Could Have Been.

Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah.

Well--
Yeah. Thanks for stopping by.

Okay.

It was good to see you.
Yeah.

Bye, Tammy.

What did I say to you?
What?

You said I said something that stuck out.
What did I say?

Well, you told me to--

You said, "Whip it out."

Really?
Yeah.

Wow.

Did you?

No.

I didn't have the guts.
Hm. Well....

So whip it out.

Come on, whip it out.

Just whip it out.

If nobody ever told me
not to **** animals....

If no one--

If no one ever said,
"You should not have sex with animals"...

...I would totally have sex with animals
all of the time.

The only reason
I don't have sex with animals...

...is because I'm not supposed to
and somebody told it to me.

I would totally have sex
with most monkeys, probably.

Why not?

You know, I wouldn't, for one reason.
Because I think it would be rape.

I don't think any animal is attracted
to any human being.

I don't think it's morally wrong,
I really don't...

...except I don't think
the animal is into it.

If you can get an animal horny,
go ahead, man.

Go ahead and **** it.

If you can--

If you can finger a monkey
and the monkey is like, "Ooh. Ah."

Get in there, man, you earned it.

You earned it.

I really think if there was--
If I was alone on the Earth...

...if I found myself alone on planet Earth,
no other humans...

...I would have sex with a monkey
in, like, two minutes.

Two minutes.
That's really not long enough...

...to be sure you're alone
on the Earth even.

That's like getting a little--

I walk outside, it's--
There's not much traffic.

"Oh, my God, it's just me.

I'm gonna have sex
with a monkey right now.

Oh, no, there's a person."

Is it bad to brush your teeth
after you suck a dick?

Because it causes blood...

...and you could catch AIDS.
Is it better to not?

That's a legitimate question.
I know it is.

Why you're bringing it up?
The pulp from your teeth--

What are you doing
that you gotta ask that?

It might be funny,
but I think about that all the time.

Is there cock meat over your mirror
in the bathroom after you floss?

No, I have a good imagination.

I can visualize it. I don't need the meat
to be actually be on the mirror.

But, I mean, it--

I thought you meant cock meat
because you're flossing--

That's what I meant.
That's what I mean.