Louie (2010–2015): Season 1, Episode 12 - Gym - full transcript

Louie fantasizes about a TV news anchor, and winds up in the hospital after working out with his new personal trainer.

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WOMAN [ON TV]:
The state senate met today to discuss...

...the appointment
of a new federal judge...

...to fill the seat
vacated by Gerald Thompson...

...who died in November.
The city comptroller commented...

...that no statistics released
by the Oversight Committee...

...reflect a need for change
in the budget plan.

The mayor has scheduled
a news conference today...

...where he is expected to smear his shit
all over my fat natural boobs.

Channel 4 will carry the mayor's
news conference live tomorrow--

[PAUSES TV]

--for change in the budget plan.



The mayor has scheduled
a news conference...

...where he is expected
to address concerns...

...that his office gave unfair advantage
to private contractors...

...who shaved his balls and peed in
his mother's mouth, because she likes that.

She's a whore.

Channel 4 will carry
the mayor's news conference live tomo--

[PAUSES TV]

My vagina is three feet away
from my face.

[PAUSES, REWINDS TV]

The mayor's mom drinks pee,
and Jews are dirty.

We'll be right back
with the sports and weather.

[NEWS THEME PLAYING]

Hello.
Hi.

[GASPS]



Oh.

[GROANS]

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

You mean Liz Ciani, on Channel 4?

Did you bang her?

No.
What's wrong with you?

It was a dream.
Idiot. Go back to sleep right now.

Get back there
and bang the hell out of her.

Go back to sleep now.

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTS]

[NEWS THEME PLAYING]

[GASPS]

Oh. Oh, good, you're here.

Hi.
Hi. Uh--

Do-- Do you wanna have sex with me?

What? But you're just a little boy.

What?

Daddy. Daddy.

Daddy. Daddy! Daddy!

Daddy! Da--

Daddy! I can't sleep.

What?
Can I have some ice cream?

No.

How come you get to have ice cream
and I don't?

[SIGHS]

Just-- Here.

[GRUNTS]

[IAN LLOYD'S "BROTHER LOUIE"
PLAYING]

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

Louie, Louie, you're gonna die

Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie

[CHILDREN CHATTERING]

I so don't wanna be here right now.

Where do you wanna be?

[EXHALES]

I don't know.

Twenty-five years old
and all my mistakes ahead of me.

Hey, what are you doing this summer?
You going anywhere?

I was thinking about taking Serge
to visit some friends in Nantucket.

Whose dick was so long
he could suck it?

What?

There was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it

Really? What happened to him?

I don't know.

He's probably dead by now.
It's a pretty old limerick.

Mm.

Look at that kid.

Oh, Jesus. Whose kid is that?
I don't know.

LOUIE: Somebody's gotta get that stick
away from him.

PAMELA:
He's heading towards your Lilly.

Hey! Hey!

Give me that back! Give me that back!

LOUIE: Little douche bag.
That was awesome.

Thank you very much.

[LAUGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, listen, um....

Uh-oh.

What?

Nothing. Go ahead.

Look, I just....

I don't know what your situation is
with your kid's dad, and while I--

You know, we're friends,
and I value that.

But I just was thinking that maybe--

Yeah. Like I said: "Uh-oh."

Why?
Because you wanna sleep with me.

Well, or dinner.
Have dinner or something. I don't know.

Let me ask you a question.
What?

Why would I sleep with you?

Why?
Why would I get into a bed with you?

Because you're very tired.

[CHUCKLES]

Long day and....

I don't know why.
Maybe because you're very attracted to me.

Oh, really?
Yeah. You are dying to sleep with me.

And you've been praying to Jesus
every night that I would ask you.

"Please let him ask me."

Really? You really think that?

No, I don't.

Then why? Why would I do it?

I don't think you would.

I just want to--
Mm-hm.

--and I was hoping that you would let me.

[LAUGHS]

That's the greatest line, ahem,
ever told.

Well, so...?

It's never gonna happen, pal.
All right.

Try hitting one of these other moms.
Oh, God.

PAMELA:
Look at her.

I bet she'd suck your dick just to break
the awful pattern of her life.

Maybe.
PAMELA: How about her?

I bet if you ripped off that puffy coat...

...she'd let you rub your smelly little cock
all over her depressing tits.

I could see that.

Hey, how about that guy?

Wouldn't you like to climb on his head
and rub your dirty bush all over his glasses?

I already did. It was good.
Nice.

See that guy?

I bet he'd be happy to cram his balls
right in your puss hole.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, my God, his balls?

Yeah. Like if he just gathered them up
and just crammed them in your puss.

Daddy, could I have some carrots?
Yeah, sweetie.

Here. Share these with Serge, okay?

Okay.
All right.

But how does he get his balls
into my pussy?

Like-- It's like packing a pipe.

Like, he just packs it in
with his thumb, like this.

See, I gotta admit, I don't hate that.
Right?

I was at the airport with my kids.
I was at JFK.

They had to go to the bathroom.
I had to go to the bathroom.

So take yourself through that logically.
What do I do? What do I do?

I can't take them to the ladies' room.
I can't just go, "Go on in there, girls...

...into the public restroom
of an international airport."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Just release my custody of them
to whoever's in there.

"Go ahead. Good luck to you.
Maybe I'll see you later."

I gotta take them into the men's room.
That's what I have to do...

...is take them into
the John F. Kennedy Airport men's room.

"Look, girls, nine penises.

Nine penises that are all peeing
at the same time.

Nine farting men from all over the world,
with their dicks out...

...shaking off droplets of pee
from their syphilitic penises.

Look, three of them have foreskins.
You can see the difference now."

What am I gonna do?

So I usher them past
the parade of penises into a stall...

...the Shangri-la of a stall...

...the sanctity of an airport bathroom stall,
number five out of ten.

And we're in there like this...

...and there's a guy shitting,
and there's a guy sh--

Right here, there's--
I'm looking at the foot of a shitting man.

This foot. He's trying to get leverage
so he can shit harder.

And he is shitting like--
Oh, my God. Just:

Pssh, plop, plop.

It sounded like soup cans and pennies
just tumbling into the water.

Like his asshole dilated like this...

...and the world fell out of it
into the toilet.

And he's going:

[GRUNTING]

And then I hear him go:

[SPITTING]

So now I know...

...that he's spitting past his dick
into his own shit and piss.

And he's literally 14 inches away
from my daughter's little face.

And I get to know that
that's what's going on in there.

LILLY:
Wow.

Girls, let's go. Let's go. Now. Please.

Come on, Lilly. We're late.

I'm sorry for yelling,
but we're very late. I don't....

Jane. Jane. Jane.

Jane. Jane.
Put it down. Put it down. Put it down.

Just come on.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Bye, honey.

See you later.
Hey.

All right.

Come on. Come on.
Let's go, honey, please. Let's go.

Daddy, in school we're reading out loud--
Up. Honey, go up. Up.

I love you. I'm sorry. Let's just go.

Hey. How you been, man?

I can't do it anymore, man. I just--
Seriously, I can't do it.

Do what?

It's-- It's just--
It's 8:30 in the morning. I'm done.

I barely got them to school on time.

And now, what,
I'm just gonna go home...

...eat something bad and jack off
and pass out.

Then it's time to pick them up again.
Yeah, the grind.

Yeah, man, I can't do it.
I feel like shit all the time.

Yeah, but look at yourself, man.
Gotta get into shape.

Seriously. Being a parent
is like being an athlete, right?

Gotta train for it so it's not so hard.

Pfft. Ugh.

You ever work with a trainer?
Ha-ha-ha.

No.
Dude, you should do that.

Seriously. It'll change your life.
I could train you.

You're a trainer?
I do a lot of things.

This is what we do.
We go down to your gym.

Bring me in there.
You let me give you a session.

If you like it....

You know what? That'd be good.
Yeah?

That'd be good, yeah. When is good
for you? When can you do it?

How about now? I'm not busy.
Yeah, no. I gotta--

You gotta go home and take a nap,
eat some bad food, jack off?

That sounds really busy.
Yeah.

No, you're right, you're right.

Yeah. Let's do it, man.
All right.

Okay. Let's go. I--
Let's go.

[KEYPAD BEEPING]

Here we go.
We're gonna start out with a jog.

Okay.
Okay?

You okay?

Totally.
Okay.

No, it's good.
Good? Keep going?

Yeah, totally.
All right, Rocky.

I'm good. No, I'm good.

Feeling it?
Yeah, I can do that.

[PANTING]

How you doing? You okay?
Yeah, no, I'm okay.

[COUGHS]

I'm okay. I'm okay.

I gotta stop. I gotta stop. I gotta stop.
No. Pain is a door. Walk through it.

No, I really gotta stop. I'm serious.
Okay. Okay. Okay.

I'm sorry.

One, two, three, four, five.

One, two--

[EXHALING]

Okay. Squat. Pick them up. Curl.

Press. Above your head. Whew.

Shoot your feet back.

Pushup. Let's do it.

You're an animal. Let's go.
Yeah. Okay.

[GRUNTS]

Good. Try to stand straight.
Okay.

Good.

[GROANING]

Feel it, buddy.
Feel the burn. Come on.

I can't.
You can't--?

What do you mean?
I'm too fat.

Push it out. Suck it. Suck that dick.

Let's go. Eat it up.
Okay. Okay. Okay.

Breathe and push it out.
Okay.

Yeah, baby! Yeah!
Ah!

Yeah. All right.
All right?

Thanks. Oh.
Good.

Forty-five more.
Shit.

Break yourself. Do it. Good.
Yeah. Yeah. Aah! Aah!

Good. Nice.

You're an animal. Do it.

Looking good.

Yes.

All in the mind, baby.

[YELLING]

Come on, Louie.

Hey, come on.

Can you try?

Come on, buddy. Try and--

No?

[GROANING]

Okay.

Uh.... Louie?

[SIRENS WAILING]

[EKG BEEPING]

[WOMAN SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY OVER PA]

[COUGHS]

Louie. Louie. Hi.
You're in the hospital.

It's Ben. It's Ben. Hey, hey, hey.
No. Leave that. Leave that.

Right. How you feeling?

[GROANS]

Well, yeah.

I told you, you've gotta start
taking care of yourself.

What happened?

[MUMBLING]

No, leave that. It's important.

So you gotta tell us all the details.
We've got nothing to go on here. We got--

We're in the-- What? The--?

[MUFFLED]
I was working out.

A wanger ow.
I don't know what that is.

[MUFFLED] I was at the gym.
Washafwem. What is that?

I can't understand what you're saying.
Well, take that shit out of your mouth.

It's not doing anything, anyway.
Oh, Jesus, man.

[LAUGHS]

Damn it. Asshole.
What are you doing here, anyway?

You put me as one of
your emergency contacts, you idiot.

That was a mistake.
Wait till you see my bill for a hospital visit.

[WHISTLES]

Great. Thank you.

So, what happened?
I was at the gym.

Don't do that.
Yeah.

You gotta realize
you can't do normal things anymore.

You haven't got a body as such.
You've just got a collection of broken...

...mushed-up organs in a big, ginger,
sweaty skin sack.

I get it, okay? Not today.

So go on. You were working out.
Yeah. And?

I just-- I got into this really bad place.
I felt really, really bad.

And then I just passed out.

A lesson learned.

The lesson being:
You're gonna die very soon from--

[LAUGHS]

I'd like to die right now, please.

So I don't have to listen
to this shit from you.

MAN: How we doing today?
Hi.

Louie, I'm Dr. Drake.
Hello.

I'm Ben. I'm Louie's doctor.

I just came in to see how he was doing.
Well, that's fine.

How is he?
Well, it was a pretty serious episode.

Really?

Normally, I like to have a kind of windup
to this kind of news...

...but we need to act fast here.

Your heart suffered a minor trauma last
night, and you're very lucky that it did...

...because when we did
your chest x-ray...

...it revealed a massive myocardial
defecation.

What is that?

Well, it's very dangerous...

...very rare, and fatal in most cases.

What it is is a giant pile of feces or shit
that is sitting right on top of your heart.

Usually, this is caused
by a bad marriage.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Jesus.
Amazing.

That was absolutely perfect.
No problem. See you later.

Nice to have met you. Big fan.
Yeah, thank you, prick.

Terrific. Oh, my God.
That's the best thing I've ever done.

A sweet old man making you shit yourself.
You should be ashamed of yourself.

I'm proud of myself.

That's the weird thing.
You're an asshole.

I'm more proud of that than saving lives.

You don't wanna spend
your spare time...

...transplanting a face
on a burn victim that's--

No. I'd rather transplant
a burn victim's face--

Get his burned face, take that off...

...and put it on your face
even though you didn't need it.

And your face I'd take off,
but he wouldn't want it.

He'd go, "No, I'd rather go around
screaming in agony as a skull...

...than have that fat, freckly,
ginger moron's face.

I tell you where you can put it."

I go, "Where?" He goes, "I also burnt my
genitals and my anus. Put that face there.

That's where I'd rather-- That's--
That's the only way I'm taking that face...

...is if it's instead of genitals
and anal material. Okay?"

But I'm here to tell you,
you're not gonna die immediately.

Fine.
You're just as unhealthy--

I know. I gotta get into shape.
No. No. The opposite.

You're so far gone...

...you're such a pointless sort of creature
now, that to try and get fit...

...this'll always happen.
You'll always hit that ceiling. You're--

Just don't try and get healthy.
Eat what you want, and die early.

LOUIE: I think about killing myself
sometimes. I'll be honest with you.

And it's not from depression.

It's not one of those, you know,
pathetic kind of like:

"Ugh. I hate my life.

I wanna kill myself and end the pain."
It's not like that. It's like a fantasy.

I'm like, "Oh, what if I died?
That would be awesome. Mm."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I just look at the river, and I'm like,
"I just wanna get in there.

You know, just get all snuggly
in a river and die in it."

Three people
were severely injured today...

...when somebody put baby diarrhea
on a Mexican pizza.

Police commissioner Richard Lampley
farted into a box today...

...and gave it to some douche bag
who lives downstairs.

The mayor has scheduled
a news conference today...

...where he is expected
to fart all over my tits 48 times.

Channel 4 will carry the news-- N--

Oh. Dang.
MAN: It's all right. You added "all over."

I did? What was I--?
MAN: Yeah.

"Fart on my tits."
Wait. "Fart on my tits." Okay.

MAN: And really enunciate that
so we don't miss it.

"--where he is expected to fart on my tits
48 times." Okay.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

[English - US - PSDH]