Loudermilk (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 9 - Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting - full transcript
♪♪
Hi.
I'm glad you called.
I've been thinking
about you a lot.
I-I've been thinking
about you a lot, too.
Wow! New Guy has feelings
for someone.
Louise, look.
I really like you, and I don't
want to disappoint you.
You scared?
Always.
I'm getting
the hell out of here.
No, no, no, you don't get
to fucking get off that easy.
You just blow in and out
of my life like a tornado.
I didn't want us
to end things like that.
We're not...
We're not ending
anything, okay?
We're just...
I think we do better
when we're apart.
Give your old man a hug.
Travel safe.
No.
Hey!
Uh, hey, are you
with the, uh...
With the...the
group over there?
Yeah.
You're the boss?
I'm the boss.
Those are
my top executives.
How can we help you here
at Drunk Asshole Industries?
Uh...
Um, well, uh,
my name is Trev,
and this is my wife, Sienna.Hi.
And we...
We just bought
the Greene and Greene
down the street.
Oh!
That's you guys.
Wow. You must be doing
all right for yourselves.
Thanks.
Well, yeah, we do social media
for some pretty big
companies.
Uh, a-anyway...
Um, so, we've been noticing
you guys having your...
Your gatherings over here,
and, uh...Yep.
And... And, you know, we're...
We're totally supportive...
Mm-hmm, yeah.
...of that.
Aww!
It's just that, you know...
Afterwards, you...you...
You just kind of hang around
and...and smoke
and...and talk loud.
Yeah, all that.
We call it fellowship.
It's like the meeting
after the meeting.
Right, but do you have
to keep it going out front
and throw your cigarette butts
in the street?
I mean, isn't there
somewhere else you could go?
You mean like a bar?
Um...
No. We... We go here,
and then we go home.
Well, you...
You don't really "go home,"
you know?
You... You just
kind of hang around.
And technically,
that's, you know...
Loitering.
Okay.
Listen, we were
drunken scumbags
way before the two of you
decided to move into
your Greene and Greene house.
Okay, okay.
But our Greene and Greene
was built
way before you guys got here.
It's not my fault
you didn't do your homework
before descending on
the neighborhood like jackals.
What's your deal, man?
My deal is that
I know your deal. Okay?
You want to pretend like
you're these enlightened,
progressive, open-minded
people, but you're not.
You're just trying
to look the part.
Like your dog.
I'm sure you tell people
that's a rescue, yeah?
Lavendar is a rescue.
What castle
did you rescue that d...
Listen,
I know shelter dogs, okay?
$3,000 whippets
are not shelter dogs.
You want a purebred,
get a purebred.
You can't have it both ways,
though.
Oh, and the "Greene
and Greene" house
that you bought
to look like people
who preserve
historically-significant
buildings?
That's a sham.
They built a lot of copies
of Greene and Greene houses
in the Pacific Northwest,
but the Greene brothers
had nothing to do with them.
No, not true.
Ours came from Pasadena
in the '40s.
We have the paperwork.
Okay, well, Jason Bonham's
Led Zeppelin Experience
has the paperwork.
Doesn't make them
Led Zeppelin.
You got screwed.
But, yeah, I'll...
I'll tell the drunks
to keep it down
a little bit.
♪♪
Yeah, so, I-I'm almost afraid
to jinx it,
but things have been
going so great with Louise.
The only thing is,
her ex-boyfriend
has started calling me again.
He's calling you?
What does he want?
I-I don't know.
I-I...
Hopefully just to talk?
Should I...
Should I meet with him?
No, of course not.
Who talks
to the old boyfriend?
That's not a thing.
Okay.
Okay, good. 'Cause
I haven't been answering.
Okay, um...
That's it for sharing.
Do we have
any group announcements?
Any non-group
announcements?
I'm pretty sure I saw a bird
chewing gum the other day.
Anything at all?
Uh, I'm going out of town
for a few days.
Uh, anyways, though, um...
I'm looking for someone
to dog-sit for me.
You see, he's got to sleep
in his own bed.
So I was wondering
if maybe someone here
would be willing
to stay over at...
I'll do it.
Oh, great.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, you know,
it would help me out
since she stole my room.
Plus, you know, I've always
wanted to sleep on a boat.
I don't live on a boat.
Really?
I'm sorry. I just...
I assumed, you know,
since you got
the whole "fish stick guy"
thing going on.
But you don't sleep on...
Okay, I'll...
I'll do it anyway.
Mm, thank you.
Okay, that looks like
that's it for tonight.
I guess me and
the gum-chewing bird'll
just go fuck
ourselves, then.
You open
to something like that?
Uh...
♪♪
Which one of you cock bites
is Hiram?
Don't be a pussy.
Fuck.
You gotta be shittin' me.
You're Hiram?
Oh, hey.
Uh, I'm assuming you must
be David, Louise's ex.
It's... It's...
It's nice to meet you.
Don't give me that shit,
stretch.
You fucked up when you
decided to mow my lawn.
I thought
she was your ex-lawn.
A-And, you know,
I-I haven't even been
near the bushes yet,
so...
What are you...
A smartass?
Come on, motherfucker.
Let's get it on!
No, no! Come on.
Fighting never
solved anything.
Eh, just bad things happen.
I promise you, I am gonna
beat your little dick off!
Beat your dick off?
You're damn right, hotshot.
You lookin' to get
your dick beat off, too?
It's funny
you should ask.
Why are you gettin'
up in my Kool-Aid, Goliath?
Kool-Aid?
Look, pal, if I was you,
I'd get back
on my little scooter
and go back to my house
on the Shire.
Okay, look, I came here
to kick his ass.
And since he's too much
of a poontang to fight,
it looks like
it's gonna be you, Manute.
Dude, I'm not fighting you.
I don't need a murder rap.
You think you'd have
a murder rap?
No, no,
I'd have the murder rap!
I like what you did there,
how you turned it
around on me.
Yeah, real good.
Yeah.
You like
how I turned that around?
What the hell's going on?
I told you guys
to keep it down.
Oh, shit.
Stop this immediately!
Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Oy!
You can't just punch
someone in the balls!
I am not gonna have
fistfights
in the middle
of my church driveway.
If you want to fight,
I expect you to behave
like civilized men.
You can use our gymnasium.
What?
You're a man of God.
You're gonna let these idiots
fistfight in the church?
Samuel 2:14.
"Then Abner said to Joab,
'Now let
the young men arise
and hold their bout
before us.'"
Oh, well, if it says that
in the Bible,
then, hey, by all means...
Let's do this.
I'm ready, Father.
Not now.
There's a CYO basketball game
going on right now.
We'll set the ring up
this Saturday night.
The two of you
can have a proper bout.
Mm?
You have a ring?
You're way too into this.
You know that?
I'll be there.
And you make sure
you're there, one dick.
"One dick"?
What the hell
does that even mean?
♪♪
This is it.
Nothing fancy.
Could probably use
a woman's touch.
Are you kidding me?
This place
is unbelievable.
I got to be honest...
I-I-I thought it was
gonna be a total shithole.
The thing is, you see, uh,
I used to own a fleet of
about a dozen fishing boats.
Oh, okay.
Good money?
Oh, no, I lost my shirt
every season.
But, eventually, I sold 'em
and, uh, made enough
to buy myself
a 7-Eleven.
Ah, then you made a killing.
No.
Fuck, those things
are money pits.
But I started playing them
scratch-off lottery tickets.
I won.
Get out of here.
Come on.
See, most people
don't know this,
but there's a certain way
you can hold them up
to the light that tells you
which one's a winner.
Really? Now, what do you...
What do you got to do?
You got to turn it or...
No, no.
It's nothing like that.
The whole secret
to the thing...
Grimes, not right now.
Well... Well, there's
not much to him.Mm-hmm.
Feed him,
walk him twice a day,
and don't let him
lick his ass.
That was a joke, that,
'cause you'll never stop him
from licking his ass.
♪♪
Hey, look at this.
These people
in the neighborhood group
are going off
about our meeting.
Hmm?
Oh, you think you'd have a murder rap?
No, I'd have the murder rap! Nice.
I like what you did there,
how you turned it
around on me.
Yeah, real good.
Aah! Aah!
You like how I turned that around?
Those are
the morons who bought
the house down the street.
I guess.
Read what they wrote.
"Just moved into
our Greene and Greene,
and now we have
front-row seats
to bum fights. FML.
Pound, clean up the riffraff."
Hashtag.
These fucking idiots.
They think they bought
a Greene and Greene.
They're fucking delusional.They've already got
112 responses.
And almost no one's
on our side.
They're all complaining
about us.
Do you know these people?
Yeah, we had a little talk
before the meeting
the other night.
Oh, I get it.
You pissed them off.
No, I pointed out
they were being idiots.
And I guess they didn't like
to hear it,
so they started
an Internet fight.
Wow.
They are really laying
into you.
I mean, this shit's
getting good.
You know, luckily for you,
you live with one of
the best
Internet trolls around.
I got this.
No, no, no.
Don't do anything.
Just ignore it.
If you don't engage with
this shit, it doesn't exist.
I guess.
I'll see you in a bit.
"Suck my big,
fat donkey balls,
"you pieces of shit.
"Hashtag BlowMe."
That'll teach them.
There you go.
Hey!
You like peanut butter,
huh, Grimes? Yeah?
Yeah, they should have
called you Peanut Butter.
That'd be a good name for you.
What do you want to do?
You wanna go for a walk?
You want to walk this off?
All right.
Hey, where's your leash?
Come on! Let's go.
Where's your leash?
Aah!
Sorry, Grimes.
And how does that work?
What the fuck is this?
Oh, check this out.
This is even bigger.
You got to be shittin' me!
They're all over
the fucking place.
This fight
is going down, Tony.
What am I gonna do now, Mugsy?I don't know.
I don't blame you
for being afraid.
This guy's a tough
son of a bitch, man.
He packs a hell
of a nut-punch.What are you...nuts?
I'm not afraid.
He's a little person.
I'm not.
I can't fight him.
Everyone will think
I'm a bully.
Well, not if you lose.
You just take a dive,
like Sonny Liston.
Then everyone will think
I'm pathetic.
Don't you see?
This is a classic
lose-lose situation here.
I've seen these before.
You know, never in person.
Only online.
You know,
not that I was
shopping for one.
I just happened to be cruising
a couple two-three websites.
You understand how it is.
But I do remember thinking,
"That's a lot of money
"to pay for a fuck doll."
But, still, you know,
it's a testament to, uh,
I guess,
ingenuity and technology
and, um, the male itch.
It's pathetic, though,
to think that somebody
would just want
to separate themselves
from actual human beings
to the degree
that they would seek
sexual congress
with an effigy of a...
Real girl.
How low would you have to sink
to reach those depths?
Hah!
God! God!
Holy shit!
That was the best sex
of my entire life.
What the heck's
going on down there?
Hey, don't judge me, Grimes.
Okay, look, I'm a...
I'm a curious person.
A seeker.
Look, it was just
a one-time thing.
Oh!
Ohh!
Ahh.
♪♪
- You look weird.
- What'd you do?
Nothing.
You have a slip?
No! No.
It's the neighborhood
group forum.
I was just gonna write
a couple of comments,
you know, defend the group.
Maybe throw in a couple
"go fuck yourself" memes.
And things
got out of control.
These people
are really good.
I mean,
they're like assassins.
They kicked my ass
up and down the whole forum.
I couldn't get a shot in.
Well, all right, so, you got
your ass handed to you
in an Internet forum.
Who cares?
Well, not my ass.
Your ass.
See, I kinda escalated
the whole thing,
and then they started
this online petition to, uh,
kick our meetings
out of the church.
What?
They can't do that!
Well, they've already got
a ton of signatures.
Yeah?
All right, all right.
Oh, hey, hey.
Calm down.
I'll be...
I'll be right there.
Text me the address.
Something's going on
with Ben.
I gotta go.
No more cyber fights!
♪♪
You can't be serious.
You fucked it?
Uh-huh.
A lot.
Aw.
You had sloppy seconds
with Ed's fuck doll?
No, I'm not stupid.
I used condoms.
Sam, I can't quit her,
okay?
She's amazing, you know?
No, I don't know.
She's like a butthole inside
of a mouth inside a vagina.
It's like the turducken
of vaginas.
I'm in trouble here, man.With who?
Just don't tell Ed
that you fucked his mannequin,
and you'll...
You'll be fine.
Nope, mnh-mnh.
You got to get me
out of here.
All right,
so just get out of here.
Why do
you drag me into it?
Well, someone's got
to take care of the dog.
Oh, so, what?
You want me
to stay here?
No, I'm not staying here!
Come on, I'm begging you!
Please!
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Yeah,
so, what do you want?
Hey, thanks
for meeting me, pal.
Tony, by the way.
David.
This whole thing...
You know, listen,
I got no beef with you.
I was just sticking up
for my buddy.
He's a little pussy,
and I knew you'd knock
the fuck out of him.
Yeah, I guess
I was running a little hot.
I get it.
But this whole fight thing
is crazy.
We gotta call it off.
Yeah, maybe we should.
I mean, you know,
given different circumstances,
you and I
might be best buddies.
I don't know about best,
but we could hang.
There you go.
Hold on.
Two, please.
Here you go, pal.
What's this?What's it look like?
It's an ice-cream cone.
Think of it
as an olive branch.
You trying to get out
of a fight or adopt me?
I don't want
a fucking ice-cream cone.
What, do you want to see me
go down the slide?No.
Huh? Huh?
Just 'cause I'm small,
you want to treat me
like a little kid?
No, I don't buy ice-cream
cones for little kids.
That... That'd be creepy.
Yeah, it is creepy,
you arrogant piece of fuck!
Hey, you don't have to act
like a little prick about it.
Aah! Fuck.
Fight's still on, numbnuts!
I'll be there,
you little fucking dink!
I'll be waiting, honey!
♪♪
You're actually promoting
this thing?
What are you...
The Catholic Don King?
Nothing wrong with
a little pugilism
to raise some money
for the church.
We've been doing this
for years.
Anyway, you have got bigger
problems than a couple of boys
working out
their differences in the ring.
I just got an e-mail
from city hall.
Seems some
of the neighbors
have got
an online petition going,
and they want you gone.
I warned you, Loudermilk.
I'm gonna have to suspend
your meetings
if you can't get
this straightened out.
You gotta be kidding me.
My meetings have to go,
and this blood sport stays?
Fix it, Loudermilk.
♪♪
♪♪
Of course.
♪♪
Hi.
What are you doing here?
You can't just come over
to our house.
Well, I actually can.
You have a walkway coming
right up here and everything.
I know it must seem
really crazy to you
to be talking face-to-face
to a human being,
but it's actually
kind of the way
you're supposed to do
these things.
We tried to talk to you.Right,
and I said a couple of things
that you didn't like.
So then you ran
to your keyboard
echo chamber,
and you dialed up
an online mob.
And you need to leave.
I will. I will.
But I'm gonna say something
first face-to-face.
Those people
in that church...
Those are very real people
with very real problems.
And that meeting
is the only thing
that they have left that gets
them through the day, okay?
So shutting that down
to nudge up
your property values...
I hope
that's worth it to you.
♪♪
You believe this?
Yeah, some turnout.
I can't believe
I got to do this.
Relax, man.
You're gonna be fine.
I'm not gonna be fine.
I'm not a boxer!
What if I kill this guy?
Or, worse, what if I lose?
Calm down, man!
What's the matter with you?
Why are you sweating already?
I'm not sweating.
That's butter from your
fucking popcorn, you idiot.
Get off of me.
Mm-mmm.
Ohh, man!
Y'all see the crowd out there?
This place is hype!
Crowd?
Yeah.
I don't need a crowd.
I've seen little people
wrestle before,
but I've never seen
two little people box.
This is gonna be epic.
Did you hear that?
They think
I'm a little person.
Yeah, no wonder.
Look at the poster.
Hey, listen.
I'm not a microbiologist,
but...
What if we get you
down to his size?
How? You gonna cut
my fucking legs off?
I got an idea.
♪♪
How you holding up, champ?
Truth? Not good.
I don't want to fight
this guy.
I just want my girl back.
What the fuck
did I get myself into?
Why don't you want
to fight this guy?
He's huge!
You're huge!
Not as huge as he is!
Then you should have taken
the fucking ice-cream cone.
I know I should have taken
the fucking ice-cream cone!
Stop telling me
I should have taken
the fucking ice-cream cone!
Okay, relax, relax.
When the crowd sees
how big he is,
they're gonna be
on your side.
And when the crowd
is on your side...
I always win!
That's it! Come on!
That's it!
That's it! That's it!Come on, baby.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen!
Welcome to
Immaculate Heart gymnasium.
It's Boxing Night!
Tonight's event
is a grudge match
to settle a love triangle
gone horribly wrong!
In the red corner,
I give you David!
And in the blue corner,
it's Tony!
What the fuck
is he doing?
Come on!
What the fuck is this?
What's he trying to pull?
C'mon, David!
Work his torso!
This guy is, like,
all torso, right?
So weird.
Wait a second.
You're rooting for David?
Why wouldn't I?
I don't even know
the other guy.
Yeah, but the other guy
is me by proxy.
Well, if you were in there,
I'd be rooting for you.
But you're too much
of a...
What? Jew?
No.
A coward.
Wait a second.
You think I'm a coward
just because I don't want
to get into a boxing ring
and fight in some barbaric,
vicious sport
that should've been
outlawed decades ago?
That makes me a coward?
You make the Cowardly Lion
look like Suge Knight.
Louise.
Oh!
They're holding him!
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey!
That's a disqualification.
And that's
a disqualification.
Disqualification!
Disqualification!
Gentlemen, come on up.
Come on, Tony.
And the winner is...No, no, no, no, no!
Don't stand up!
...Tony!
Wait a second!
He's not a little person!
Fuck this shit!
Fuck that!
Get him!
That's cultural appropriation!
He's appropriating!
Appropriator!
Come on!
♪♪
Owwwwwww!
My ankie!
♪♪
♪♪
Oh, great.
We were hoping you'd be here,
Mr. Louderman.
Milk. Loudermilk.
Ah. Oh.
Well, we just wanted
to say that maybe we...
No, not maybe.
Definitely.
We wanted to say
we were wrong.
You know?
And... And we realized
what you're doing here
is very important.
And... And I guess
we just...
We got all NIMBY.
Mm-hmm.
That stands
for "not in my backyard."
And we're not
those kind of people at all.
We are for the common man
all the way.
Like, hard-core.
We just...
Well, we lost sight
of the big picture.
But we support what
you're doing here. Totally.
A-And we got you this.Oh.
It's a state-of-the-art
ashtray.
Mm-hmm.
It's homemade in Ojai.
It can hold a lot
of cigarette butts.
That way,
they won't get stuck
in the stomachs
of dolphins and seals.
So...we're hoping
you can forgive us
and we can all live
in harmony.
Wow. I, uh...
I don't know what to say.
I just really admire
both of you
for being able to admit
that you...
We had a little fundraiser
in the gym tonight, and, um...
Hey!
You're the guys
from the neighborhood forum.
I just want to say...
respect.
You guys are, like,
troll royals.
Uh, who are you?
And, no,
we're not trolls.
You son of a bitch.
You defiled my lady!
What?
I did no such thing.
You took my Lucy
out of her closet,
and you pounded
the shit out of her!
- Oh!
- Oh, my word!
I mean,
why would I do that?
All my rubbers are gone!
I found two of them
in her poop hole!
Ooh. Geez.
Ugh!
This is a little unusual,
even for us.
Yeah?
Mm-hmm.
Okay! All right, okay.
I'm sorry, okay?
She's just
so dang enchanting,
and I ju...
I lost control of myself.
And...
You made my dog lick
peanut butter off your pecker.
Oh, my God!
What the fuck
are you talking about, Ed?
Oh, okay.
Now I get it.
That's the... That's
the peanut butter thing.
Oh, like you don't know.
I mark my peanut butter.
There's a half a jar
missing.
No.
No, I had...
I had some crackers
with peanut butter.
Right.
Look, Ed,
I swear on my mother...
I would never let your dog
lick peanut butter
off of my pecker, Ed.
Let's think about this,
okay?
He's not a machine.
How's he gonna have
anything left for the dog
after what he did to Lucy?
Thank you.
You don't come
near her again.
♪♪
Oh, hey.
Thanks for the ashtray.
Well, that was
an eventful evening.
God, it's been
a long time
since I got punched
in the balls.
Yeah, me too.
My third time in a week.
Fucking hat trick!
Oh, God.
I gotta take it.
Sorry, guys.
I gotta take this.
Hey, Dad. I'm sorry
I've been
really hard to reach.
I haven't...
Hello?
Who's this?
Uh-huh?
Okay.
Yeah, I'll be there.
Is everything okay,
Loudermilk?
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean...
My dad died.
♪♪
♪♪
♪ Show me the body
♪ These pictures
will shock you
♪ Love is a drag
we don't need anymore
♪ We don't need to score
♪ Show me the body
♪ 404
♪ Gateway not found
♪ My wife is such a fan
♪ Show me the body
♪ Show me the body now
♪ We're starring
in the movies of our lives
♪ We're starring in the movies of our lives ♪
♪♪
Hi.
I'm glad you called.
I've been thinking
about you a lot.
I-I've been thinking
about you a lot, too.
Wow! New Guy has feelings
for someone.
Louise, look.
I really like you, and I don't
want to disappoint you.
You scared?
Always.
I'm getting
the hell out of here.
No, no, no, you don't get
to fucking get off that easy.
You just blow in and out
of my life like a tornado.
I didn't want us
to end things like that.
We're not...
We're not ending
anything, okay?
We're just...
I think we do better
when we're apart.
Give your old man a hug.
Travel safe.
No.
Hey!
Uh, hey, are you
with the, uh...
With the...the
group over there?
Yeah.
You're the boss?
I'm the boss.
Those are
my top executives.
How can we help you here
at Drunk Asshole Industries?
Uh...
Um, well, uh,
my name is Trev,
and this is my wife, Sienna.Hi.
And we...
We just bought
the Greene and Greene
down the street.
Oh!
That's you guys.
Wow. You must be doing
all right for yourselves.
Thanks.
Well, yeah, we do social media
for some pretty big
companies.
Uh, a-anyway...
Um, so, we've been noticing
you guys having your...
Your gatherings over here,
and, uh...Yep.
And... And, you know, we're...
We're totally supportive...
Mm-hmm, yeah.
...of that.
Aww!
It's just that, you know...
Afterwards, you...you...
You just kind of hang around
and...and smoke
and...and talk loud.
Yeah, all that.
We call it fellowship.
It's like the meeting
after the meeting.
Right, but do you have
to keep it going out front
and throw your cigarette butts
in the street?
I mean, isn't there
somewhere else you could go?
You mean like a bar?
Um...
No. We... We go here,
and then we go home.
Well, you...
You don't really "go home,"
you know?
You... You just
kind of hang around.
And technically,
that's, you know...
Loitering.
Okay.
Listen, we were
drunken scumbags
way before the two of you
decided to move into
your Greene and Greene house.
Okay, okay.
But our Greene and Greene
was built
way before you guys got here.
It's not my fault
you didn't do your homework
before descending on
the neighborhood like jackals.
What's your deal, man?
My deal is that
I know your deal. Okay?
You want to pretend like
you're these enlightened,
progressive, open-minded
people, but you're not.
You're just trying
to look the part.
Like your dog.
I'm sure you tell people
that's a rescue, yeah?
Lavendar is a rescue.
What castle
did you rescue that d...
Listen,
I know shelter dogs, okay?
$3,000 whippets
are not shelter dogs.
You want a purebred,
get a purebred.
You can't have it both ways,
though.
Oh, and the "Greene
and Greene" house
that you bought
to look like people
who preserve
historically-significant
buildings?
That's a sham.
They built a lot of copies
of Greene and Greene houses
in the Pacific Northwest,
but the Greene brothers
had nothing to do with them.
No, not true.
Ours came from Pasadena
in the '40s.
We have the paperwork.
Okay, well, Jason Bonham's
Led Zeppelin Experience
has the paperwork.
Doesn't make them
Led Zeppelin.
You got screwed.
But, yeah, I'll...
I'll tell the drunks
to keep it down
a little bit.
♪♪
Yeah, so, I-I'm almost afraid
to jinx it,
but things have been
going so great with Louise.
The only thing is,
her ex-boyfriend
has started calling me again.
He's calling you?
What does he want?
I-I don't know.
I-I...
Hopefully just to talk?
Should I...
Should I meet with him?
No, of course not.
Who talks
to the old boyfriend?
That's not a thing.
Okay.
Okay, good. 'Cause
I haven't been answering.
Okay, um...
That's it for sharing.
Do we have
any group announcements?
Any non-group
announcements?
I'm pretty sure I saw a bird
chewing gum the other day.
Anything at all?
Uh, I'm going out of town
for a few days.
Uh, anyways, though, um...
I'm looking for someone
to dog-sit for me.
You see, he's got to sleep
in his own bed.
So I was wondering
if maybe someone here
would be willing
to stay over at...
I'll do it.
Oh, great.
Really?
Yeah.
I mean, you know,
it would help me out
since she stole my room.
Plus, you know, I've always
wanted to sleep on a boat.
I don't live on a boat.
Really?
I'm sorry. I just...
I assumed, you know,
since you got
the whole "fish stick guy"
thing going on.
But you don't sleep on...
Okay, I'll...
I'll do it anyway.
Mm, thank you.
Okay, that looks like
that's it for tonight.
I guess me and
the gum-chewing bird'll
just go fuck
ourselves, then.
You open
to something like that?
Uh...
♪♪
Which one of you cock bites
is Hiram?
Don't be a pussy.
Fuck.
You gotta be shittin' me.
You're Hiram?
Oh, hey.
Uh, I'm assuming you must
be David, Louise's ex.
It's... It's...
It's nice to meet you.
Don't give me that shit,
stretch.
You fucked up when you
decided to mow my lawn.
I thought
she was your ex-lawn.
A-And, you know,
I-I haven't even been
near the bushes yet,
so...
What are you...
A smartass?
Come on, motherfucker.
Let's get it on!
No, no! Come on.
Fighting never
solved anything.
Eh, just bad things happen.
I promise you, I am gonna
beat your little dick off!
Beat your dick off?
You're damn right, hotshot.
You lookin' to get
your dick beat off, too?
It's funny
you should ask.
Why are you gettin'
up in my Kool-Aid, Goliath?
Kool-Aid?
Look, pal, if I was you,
I'd get back
on my little scooter
and go back to my house
on the Shire.
Okay, look, I came here
to kick his ass.
And since he's too much
of a poontang to fight,
it looks like
it's gonna be you, Manute.
Dude, I'm not fighting you.
I don't need a murder rap.
You think you'd have
a murder rap?
No, no,
I'd have the murder rap!
I like what you did there,
how you turned it
around on me.
Yeah, real good.
Yeah.
You like
how I turned that around?
What the hell's going on?
I told you guys
to keep it down.
Oh, shit.
Stop this immediately!
Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Oy!
You can't just punch
someone in the balls!
I am not gonna have
fistfights
in the middle
of my church driveway.
If you want to fight,
I expect you to behave
like civilized men.
You can use our gymnasium.
What?
You're a man of God.
You're gonna let these idiots
fistfight in the church?
Samuel 2:14.
"Then Abner said to Joab,
'Now let
the young men arise
and hold their bout
before us.'"
Oh, well, if it says that
in the Bible,
then, hey, by all means...
Let's do this.
I'm ready, Father.
Not now.
There's a CYO basketball game
going on right now.
We'll set the ring up
this Saturday night.
The two of you
can have a proper bout.
Mm?
You have a ring?
You're way too into this.
You know that?
I'll be there.
And you make sure
you're there, one dick.
"One dick"?
What the hell
does that even mean?
♪♪
This is it.
Nothing fancy.
Could probably use
a woman's touch.
Are you kidding me?
This place
is unbelievable.
I got to be honest...
I-I-I thought it was
gonna be a total shithole.
The thing is, you see, uh,
I used to own a fleet of
about a dozen fishing boats.
Oh, okay.
Good money?
Oh, no, I lost my shirt
every season.
But, eventually, I sold 'em
and, uh, made enough
to buy myself
a 7-Eleven.
Ah, then you made a killing.
No.
Fuck, those things
are money pits.
But I started playing them
scratch-off lottery tickets.
I won.
Get out of here.
Come on.
See, most people
don't know this,
but there's a certain way
you can hold them up
to the light that tells you
which one's a winner.
Really? Now, what do you...
What do you got to do?
You got to turn it or...
No, no.
It's nothing like that.
The whole secret
to the thing...
Grimes, not right now.
Well... Well, there's
not much to him.Mm-hmm.
Feed him,
walk him twice a day,
and don't let him
lick his ass.
That was a joke, that,
'cause you'll never stop him
from licking his ass.
♪♪
Hey, look at this.
These people
in the neighborhood group
are going off
about our meeting.
Hmm?
Oh, you think you'd have a murder rap?
No, I'd have the murder rap! Nice.
I like what you did there,
how you turned it
around on me.
Yeah, real good.
Aah! Aah!
You like how I turned that around?
Those are
the morons who bought
the house down the street.
I guess.
Read what they wrote.
"Just moved into
our Greene and Greene,
and now we have
front-row seats
to bum fights. FML.
Pound, clean up the riffraff."
Hashtag.
These fucking idiots.
They think they bought
a Greene and Greene.
They're fucking delusional.They've already got
112 responses.
And almost no one's
on our side.
They're all complaining
about us.
Do you know these people?
Yeah, we had a little talk
before the meeting
the other night.
Oh, I get it.
You pissed them off.
No, I pointed out
they were being idiots.
And I guess they didn't like
to hear it,
so they started
an Internet fight.
Wow.
They are really laying
into you.
I mean, this shit's
getting good.
You know, luckily for you,
you live with one of
the best
Internet trolls around.
I got this.
No, no, no.
Don't do anything.
Just ignore it.
If you don't engage with
this shit, it doesn't exist.
I guess.
I'll see you in a bit.
"Suck my big,
fat donkey balls,
"you pieces of shit.
"Hashtag BlowMe."
That'll teach them.
There you go.
Hey!
You like peanut butter,
huh, Grimes? Yeah?
Yeah, they should have
called you Peanut Butter.
That'd be a good name for you.
What do you want to do?
You wanna go for a walk?
You want to walk this off?
All right.
Hey, where's your leash?
Come on! Let's go.
Where's your leash?
Aah!
Sorry, Grimes.
And how does that work?
What the fuck is this?
Oh, check this out.
This is even bigger.
You got to be shittin' me!
They're all over
the fucking place.
This fight
is going down, Tony.
What am I gonna do now, Mugsy?I don't know.
I don't blame you
for being afraid.
This guy's a tough
son of a bitch, man.
He packs a hell
of a nut-punch.What are you...nuts?
I'm not afraid.
He's a little person.
I'm not.
I can't fight him.
Everyone will think
I'm a bully.
Well, not if you lose.
You just take a dive,
like Sonny Liston.
Then everyone will think
I'm pathetic.
Don't you see?
This is a classic
lose-lose situation here.
I've seen these before.
You know, never in person.
Only online.
You know,
not that I was
shopping for one.
I just happened to be cruising
a couple two-three websites.
You understand how it is.
But I do remember thinking,
"That's a lot of money
"to pay for a fuck doll."
But, still, you know,
it's a testament to, uh,
I guess,
ingenuity and technology
and, um, the male itch.
It's pathetic, though,
to think that somebody
would just want
to separate themselves
from actual human beings
to the degree
that they would seek
sexual congress
with an effigy of a...
Real girl.
How low would you have to sink
to reach those depths?
Hah!
God! God!
Holy shit!
That was the best sex
of my entire life.
What the heck's
going on down there?
Hey, don't judge me, Grimes.
Okay, look, I'm a...
I'm a curious person.
A seeker.
Look, it was just
a one-time thing.
Oh!
Ohh!
Ahh.
♪♪
- You look weird.
- What'd you do?
Nothing.
You have a slip?
No! No.
It's the neighborhood
group forum.
I was just gonna write
a couple of comments,
you know, defend the group.
Maybe throw in a couple
"go fuck yourself" memes.
And things
got out of control.
These people
are really good.
I mean,
they're like assassins.
They kicked my ass
up and down the whole forum.
I couldn't get a shot in.
Well, all right, so, you got
your ass handed to you
in an Internet forum.
Who cares?
Well, not my ass.
Your ass.
See, I kinda escalated
the whole thing,
and then they started
this online petition to, uh,
kick our meetings
out of the church.
What?
They can't do that!
Well, they've already got
a ton of signatures.
Yeah?
All right, all right.
Oh, hey, hey.
Calm down.
I'll be...
I'll be right there.
Text me the address.
Something's going on
with Ben.
I gotta go.
No more cyber fights!
♪♪
You can't be serious.
You fucked it?
Uh-huh.
A lot.
Aw.
You had sloppy seconds
with Ed's fuck doll?
No, I'm not stupid.
I used condoms.
Sam, I can't quit her,
okay?
She's amazing, you know?
No, I don't know.
She's like a butthole inside
of a mouth inside a vagina.
It's like the turducken
of vaginas.
I'm in trouble here, man.With who?
Just don't tell Ed
that you fucked his mannequin,
and you'll...
You'll be fine.
Nope, mnh-mnh.
You got to get me
out of here.
All right,
so just get out of here.
Why do
you drag me into it?
Well, someone's got
to take care of the dog.
Oh, so, what?
You want me
to stay here?
No, I'm not staying here!
Come on, I'm begging you!
Please!
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Yeah,
so, what do you want?
Hey, thanks
for meeting me, pal.
Tony, by the way.
David.
This whole thing...
You know, listen,
I got no beef with you.
I was just sticking up
for my buddy.
He's a little pussy,
and I knew you'd knock
the fuck out of him.
Yeah, I guess
I was running a little hot.
I get it.
But this whole fight thing
is crazy.
We gotta call it off.
Yeah, maybe we should.
I mean, you know,
given different circumstances,
you and I
might be best buddies.
I don't know about best,
but we could hang.
There you go.
Hold on.
Two, please.
Here you go, pal.
What's this?What's it look like?
It's an ice-cream cone.
Think of it
as an olive branch.
You trying to get out
of a fight or adopt me?
I don't want
a fucking ice-cream cone.
What, do you want to see me
go down the slide?No.
Huh? Huh?
Just 'cause I'm small,
you want to treat me
like a little kid?
No, I don't buy ice-cream
cones for little kids.
That... That'd be creepy.
Yeah, it is creepy,
you arrogant piece of fuck!
Hey, you don't have to act
like a little prick about it.
Aah! Fuck.
Fight's still on, numbnuts!
I'll be there,
you little fucking dink!
I'll be waiting, honey!
♪♪
You're actually promoting
this thing?
What are you...
The Catholic Don King?
Nothing wrong with
a little pugilism
to raise some money
for the church.
We've been doing this
for years.
Anyway, you have got bigger
problems than a couple of boys
working out
their differences in the ring.
I just got an e-mail
from city hall.
Seems some
of the neighbors
have got
an online petition going,
and they want you gone.
I warned you, Loudermilk.
I'm gonna have to suspend
your meetings
if you can't get
this straightened out.
You gotta be kidding me.
My meetings have to go,
and this blood sport stays?
Fix it, Loudermilk.
♪♪
♪♪
Of course.
♪♪
Hi.
What are you doing here?
You can't just come over
to our house.
Well, I actually can.
You have a walkway coming
right up here and everything.
I know it must seem
really crazy to you
to be talking face-to-face
to a human being,
but it's actually
kind of the way
you're supposed to do
these things.
We tried to talk to you.Right,
and I said a couple of things
that you didn't like.
So then you ran
to your keyboard
echo chamber,
and you dialed up
an online mob.
And you need to leave.
I will. I will.
But I'm gonna say something
first face-to-face.
Those people
in that church...
Those are very real people
with very real problems.
And that meeting
is the only thing
that they have left that gets
them through the day, okay?
So shutting that down
to nudge up
your property values...
I hope
that's worth it to you.
♪♪
You believe this?
Yeah, some turnout.
I can't believe
I got to do this.
Relax, man.
You're gonna be fine.
I'm not gonna be fine.
I'm not a boxer!
What if I kill this guy?
Or, worse, what if I lose?
Calm down, man!
What's the matter with you?
Why are you sweating already?
I'm not sweating.
That's butter from your
fucking popcorn, you idiot.
Get off of me.
Mm-mmm.
Ohh, man!
Y'all see the crowd out there?
This place is hype!
Crowd?
Yeah.
I don't need a crowd.
I've seen little people
wrestle before,
but I've never seen
two little people box.
This is gonna be epic.
Did you hear that?
They think
I'm a little person.
Yeah, no wonder.
Look at the poster.
Hey, listen.
I'm not a microbiologist,
but...
What if we get you
down to his size?
How? You gonna cut
my fucking legs off?
I got an idea.
♪♪
How you holding up, champ?
Truth? Not good.
I don't want to fight
this guy.
I just want my girl back.
What the fuck
did I get myself into?
Why don't you want
to fight this guy?
He's huge!
You're huge!
Not as huge as he is!
Then you should have taken
the fucking ice-cream cone.
I know I should have taken
the fucking ice-cream cone!
Stop telling me
I should have taken
the fucking ice-cream cone!
Okay, relax, relax.
When the crowd sees
how big he is,
they're gonna be
on your side.
And when the crowd
is on your side...
I always win!
That's it! Come on!
That's it!
That's it! That's it!Come on, baby.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen!
Welcome to
Immaculate Heart gymnasium.
It's Boxing Night!
Tonight's event
is a grudge match
to settle a love triangle
gone horribly wrong!
In the red corner,
I give you David!
And in the blue corner,
it's Tony!
What the fuck
is he doing?
Come on!
What the fuck is this?
What's he trying to pull?
C'mon, David!
Work his torso!
This guy is, like,
all torso, right?
So weird.
Wait a second.
You're rooting for David?
Why wouldn't I?
I don't even know
the other guy.
Yeah, but the other guy
is me by proxy.
Well, if you were in there,
I'd be rooting for you.
But you're too much
of a...
What? Jew?
No.
A coward.
Wait a second.
You think I'm a coward
just because I don't want
to get into a boxing ring
and fight in some barbaric,
vicious sport
that should've been
outlawed decades ago?
That makes me a coward?
You make the Cowardly Lion
look like Suge Knight.
Louise.
Oh!
They're holding him!
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey!
That's a disqualification.
And that's
a disqualification.
Disqualification!
Disqualification!
Gentlemen, come on up.
Come on, Tony.
And the winner is...No, no, no, no, no!
Don't stand up!
...Tony!
Wait a second!
He's not a little person!
Fuck this shit!
Fuck that!
Get him!
That's cultural appropriation!
He's appropriating!
Appropriator!
Come on!
♪♪
Owwwwwww!
My ankie!
♪♪
♪♪
Oh, great.
We were hoping you'd be here,
Mr. Louderman.
Milk. Loudermilk.
Ah. Oh.
Well, we just wanted
to say that maybe we...
No, not maybe.
Definitely.
We wanted to say
we were wrong.
You know?
And... And we realized
what you're doing here
is very important.
And... And I guess
we just...
We got all NIMBY.
Mm-hmm.
That stands
for "not in my backyard."
And we're not
those kind of people at all.
We are for the common man
all the way.
Like, hard-core.
We just...
Well, we lost sight
of the big picture.
But we support what
you're doing here. Totally.
A-And we got you this.Oh.
It's a state-of-the-art
ashtray.
Mm-hmm.
It's homemade in Ojai.
It can hold a lot
of cigarette butts.
That way,
they won't get stuck
in the stomachs
of dolphins and seals.
So...we're hoping
you can forgive us
and we can all live
in harmony.
Wow. I, uh...
I don't know what to say.
I just really admire
both of you
for being able to admit
that you...
We had a little fundraiser
in the gym tonight, and, um...
Hey!
You're the guys
from the neighborhood forum.
I just want to say...
respect.
You guys are, like,
troll royals.
Uh, who are you?
And, no,
we're not trolls.
You son of a bitch.
You defiled my lady!
What?
I did no such thing.
You took my Lucy
out of her closet,
and you pounded
the shit out of her!
- Oh!
- Oh, my word!
I mean,
why would I do that?
All my rubbers are gone!
I found two of them
in her poop hole!
Ooh. Geez.
Ugh!
This is a little unusual,
even for us.
Yeah?
Mm-hmm.
Okay! All right, okay.
I'm sorry, okay?
She's just
so dang enchanting,
and I ju...
I lost control of myself.
And...
You made my dog lick
peanut butter off your pecker.
Oh, my God!
What the fuck
are you talking about, Ed?
Oh, okay.
Now I get it.
That's the... That's
the peanut butter thing.
Oh, like you don't know.
I mark my peanut butter.
There's a half a jar
missing.
No.
No, I had...
I had some crackers
with peanut butter.
Right.
Look, Ed,
I swear on my mother...
I would never let your dog
lick peanut butter
off of my pecker, Ed.
Let's think about this,
okay?
He's not a machine.
How's he gonna have
anything left for the dog
after what he did to Lucy?
Thank you.
You don't come
near her again.
♪♪
Oh, hey.
Thanks for the ashtray.
Well, that was
an eventful evening.
God, it's been
a long time
since I got punched
in the balls.
Yeah, me too.
My third time in a week.
Fucking hat trick!
Oh, God.
I gotta take it.
Sorry, guys.
I gotta take this.
Hey, Dad. I'm sorry
I've been
really hard to reach.
I haven't...
Hello?
Who's this?
Uh-huh?
Okay.
Yeah, I'll be there.
Is everything okay,
Loudermilk?
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean...
My dad died.
♪♪
♪♪
♪ Show me the body
♪ These pictures
will shock you
♪ Love is a drag
we don't need anymore
♪ We don't need to score
♪ Show me the body
♪ 404
♪ Gateway not found
♪ My wife is such a fan
♪ Show me the body
♪ Show me the body now
♪ We're starring
in the movies of our lives
♪ We're starring in the movies of our lives ♪
♪♪