Loudermilk (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - A Girl in Trouble is a Temporary Thing - full transcript
♪ This time, you should take
a bow at the very end ♪
♪ It's quite an act you put on ♪
♪ Wait till the cameras roll ♪
Ladies first.
Thanks.
Okay.
I'm gonna need
with soy milk, extra hot.
one large café misto
Next, a hot chai latte...
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?
I'm ordering.
but I was here first,
Yeah, I know,
and I'm just getting
a black coffee.
One black coffee.
I thought you said
"Ladies first"?
Woman: Name.
Yeah, back there, not here.
What's the difference?
Why?
Sir, name?
Hold on there, sporty.
Uh, the difference is that,
over there,
I was being chivalrous,
and over here,
you're being selfish
and thoughtless and rude.
You live in a world
with other people, okay?
Get your nose out of your phone,
and you might see that.
My phone?
I have the coffee order
for work on here.
on that thing!
There's like a hundred drinks
Why are you getting coffee
for the whole office?
Have you never heard
of Betty Friedan?
No.
Gloria Steinem?
Really?
Not a clue.
No. Mnh-mnh.
Not at all.
Maybe you need
to be on medication.
I am on medication...
it's called coffee,
and I can't get it because
I'm waiting for you to order
in your millennial clown car.
for everyone
You're an asshole.
I'm an asshole?
Yes.
I'm an asshole?
Yes, an asshole.
'Cause let's be real.
let's face it... kind of hot,
If I wasn't young and...
you wouldn't have held
that door open for me.
You were flirting.
And then when you realized
I showed no interest,
you got mad,
and then all your chivalry
went right out the window.
So, that's how you do it?
You just take all your own
self-centered behavior
and you flip it on me?
So now I'm supposed to be
the ass...
Asshole?
Coffee for Asshole?
Yeah, that's me.
[ Franz Ferdinand's
"Stand on the Horizon" plays ]
♪ The North Sea sings ♪
♪ "Won't you come to me,
baby?" ♪
♪ Oh, won't you come to me? ♪
♪ The North Sea sings ♪
baby?" ♪
♪ "Won't you come to me,
♪ Oh, won't you come to me? ♪
♪ The North Sea sings ♪
♪ "Won't you come to me,
baby?" ♪
♪ The North Sea sings ♪
♪ Oh, won't you come to me? ♪
I see we got some new folks.
Okay.
Uh, I'm Sam Loudermilk.
I'm four years off the sauce,
and I am super-duper excited
about getting you on the road
to sobriety.
- All right.
- Yay.
wants to go first?
So, which one of you fuck-ups
Don't drink.
Don't drink.
Don't drink.
Actually, I am a recovering
meth addict.
Still good advice.
Take a shower.
Cisco.
Hey, come here.
How come you haven't
been sharing in group
the last couple days?
'Cause everything's going good.
Okay. So, h-h-how many days
are you sober?
Um, like...
Yeah, no,
you're lying to me, okay?
There's no "um" in sober.
If you're sober, you know
exactly how long you been sober.
Yeah, okay, I had a few beers.
What kind of beers?
Coors Light.
[ Scoffs ]
That stuff's like water.
That... That doesn't count.
Really?
No!
Of course it counts, you dope.
Come on.
I'm really trying, man.
Well, you got to try harder.
Look.
Life's about
fucking things up, okay,
and then un-fucking
the things that you fucked up.
of a fuck-up,
That's what makes you less
not lying about it.
Thanks.
I'll do better.
Well, just don't do worse.
Mr. Loudermilk,
can I speak to you in private?
This isn't private?
Well, I suppose it won't come
as a surprise to you
that I've received numerous
anonymous complaints
about the way you're leading
these meetings.
Who?
No, I want names.
I can't give you the names.
I just told you
the complaints are anonymous.
It's the bingo bitches,
isn't it?
Oh, God.
[ Sighs ]
let's face it...
Look, Loudermilk,
you're not warm and fuzzy.
You're hard and angular
and uncomfortable.
You're like an IKEA chair
who leads sobriety meetings.
But be that as it may,
I think the work
that your organization does
benefits a number of people,
and for that reason,
I would hate
to have to suspend your meetings
because of one
unruly facilitator.
Okay.
a prize or... or what?
So, am... am I getting
I need a favor.
Mrs. Wilkes is an important
member of our church,
and right now, she's having
trouble with her daughter.
God help me, I have a feeling
may be exactly what she needs.
that your brand of help
You have a real... knack
with people who've lost
their way.
Yeah, um, women are not exactly
my area of expertise,
unless you want her to smash
all your shit and move out.
she's a good girl...
My daughter, Claire,
was a good girl.
Is she transitioning?
No, she's still a girl,
but now, she's a bad girl.
My husband passed recently,
she's gotten out of control.
and since then,
I try and talk to her
about enrolling
in one of those
heroin schools...
Rehab.
...but she won't listen
to me.
Okay.
Well, uh, send her to a meeting.
I'll talk to her.
No.
She'll never do that.
You have to go to her.
Yeah, here's the thing...
I don't make house calls.
Please.
Father Michael
recommended you very highly.
Well, I wouldn't say highly.
Look, Loudermilk.
[ Clears throat ]
You go and talk to Claire,
these meetings
and I won't suspend
or report you for being
one of the most horrible people
ever to set foot into this...
All right, fine,
fine, fine, I'll do it.
Where exactly will I find
this fragile, little flower?
♪♪
[ Sighs ]
[ Muffled dance music thumping ]
Who the fuck are you?
Well, spoken like
a Disney princess come to life.
Again, who the fuck are you?
I'm Sam Loudermilk.
professional help,
Your mother says you need
but I guess she settled on me.
My mom's a cunt.
Oh!
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, she probably is.
or what I want in my life,
She doesn't know shit about me
so get the fuck out of here,
asshole.
I just want to get something
out of the way
right up front here.
Okay, I understand there's
a shit-ton of sexual chemistry
[ Scoffs ]
going back and forth
between you and me...
Gross! You're like 70!
but it's not gonna happen.
Oh, I'm gross?
You're like 14 pounds.
Fuck you, man!
Yeah.
doesn't feel so good, does it?
Hyperbole for comic effect
Why don't you let me in?
Fine.
Come on in.
[ Door closes ]
[ Music continues ]
This is my boyfriend, Wyatt.
Yeah?
Don't care.
me if you're filming me, right?
So, you realize you got to tell
Why would I be filming you?
Well, I figure there's got to be
[ Lighter clicks ]
a crew from "Hoarders"
around here somewhere.
So, what's up?
at the unfeeling universe
Are you lashing out
because dad's dead, or...?
I-I... What's your deal?
I don't have a deal.
I live my life
the way I want to live it.
Oh, okay.
Okay. See ya.
What?
What, what?
That's it?
Yeah, that's it.
[ Scoffs ]
Aren't you supposed to, like,
try harder or something?
Let me break this down for you.
I don't know you.
I don't give a fuck about you.
You want to drink and drug
yourself to an early grave,
great.
You're doing great.
So why did you even come here?
Morbid curiosity.
I wanted to see if you were
your mother said you were.
half the shit show
Fuck you, man!
Here.
That's my number.
You want help, call it.
You want to come to a meeting,
great.
will be given by me.
If not, exactly zero shits
Dude, you better get
the fuck out of here now!
Yeah, I'm... I-I'm going.
Not 'cause I'm afraid of you,
but 'cause it smells like
two garbage cans
have been fucking in here.
♪♪
Coming through.
[ Grunts ]
Hey, Greatest Generation,
come on, pick it up a bit.
[ Snapping fingers ]
Let's go.
I'm trying.
and that's Normandy,
Well, pretend I'm Ike
and storm that shit.
[ Breathing heavily ]
Oh, my God.
Hey, watch it!
This Fender Kingman
is six months of your rent!
a piece of shit, then,
Well it must be
'cause I share an alley-view
apartment with another dude.
[ Sighs ]
Hi.
Hey.
Uh, this is kind of
embarrassing,
a chair stuck to your back.
but I think you have
What? Where?
Other...
Other shoulder.
Yeah, just keep...
Nope. No, no.
Too far. Back.
Ah, there you go.
Oh! [ Laughs ]
Probably got it snagged
at a restaurant or something
the last couple days.
Oh, crap.
Not again.
[ Laughs ]
I'm, um, Allison.
I just moved into 2-C.
Sam, 2-B...
or not to be...
that is my apartment.
[ Laughs ]
It actually is 2-B, though,
so there's no confusion.
[ Guitar case thuds ]
Oh, Mr. Ellis,
I was gonna call you
[ Breathing heavily ]
about starting
guitar lessons.
You okay?
Yeah, sure, I'm from
the Greatest Generation.
Right, buddy?
Uh, hey.
with that, sir?
Can I help you
That looks pretty heavy there.
You sure you don't want
to push me down again?
This guy body-checked me
on the stairs.
with minimal contact.
No, I scooted past you, okay,
I scooted.
Who rushes past
an elderly person
I didn't body-check him.
and body-checks them?
I might've bumped him
a little bit, okay?
He...
But that's it.
Look, he's old.
They exaggerate.
Well, I guess it's not 2-B.
[to be]
Ass-head.
[ Door slams ]
♪♪
an ass-head,
So, then he called me
and she slams the door
in my face.
Well, I mean,
the ass-head thing is fair.
Yeah, but she didn't
know that yet.
Okay?
the balls off her.
I was charming
You know, I got a question...
why were you pushing an old man
out of your way?
'Cause I was in a hurry.
In a hurry for what?
You got nowhere to be.
to get nowhere faster.
Well, maybe I want
So, you gonna try
to make it up to her?
I don't know.
What's the point?
What's the point?
[ Sighs ]
this is the first woman
Well, the point is,
you've had even a remotely
meaningful connection with
in like four years.
Yeah.
She did really like
my chair-on-the-shoulder bit,
which I ad-libbed.
[ Laughs ]
That is funny, when it looks
like a chair's stuck to you.
Yeah.
Well, now you just got to make
it up to her, you know?
Show her that you're
a thoughtful, sensitive guy.
You mean fool her?
Yes.
How?
♪♪
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You're banned from the store,
Loudermilk.
I'm sick of you calling me
a douche.
I come in peace.
Relax.
I don't want to argue
about why Nirvana wouldn't exist
without the bubblegum hits
of the late '60s.
[ Scoffs ]
Man, that's so reductive.
Reductive?
making words up now?
Are we just
Just because Cobain said
in one interview
that the 1910 Fruitgum Company's
version
Okay. Hey, hey.
of "Yummy Yummy Yummy"...
All right, all right.
Hey, Captain Pompous, relax.
Get your talking points
together.
We'll get back to this.
We're on a mission here.
Fine.
What are you looking for?
down some stairs
Loudermilk knocked an old man
in front of
our hot new neighbor,
so he's trying
to make up for that.
Jesus, dude.
You're the fucking worst, man.
Oh, really?
I'm the worst?
I'm worse than Hitler?
I'm worse than Saul Zaentz?
I'm worse than Pol Pot?
Hey, isn't it weird that a guy
with "pot" in his name
turns out
to be so totally bogus?
[ Both laugh ]
for a while, haven't you?
You've been sitting on that
An incredibly long time.
Sure.
Thank you for teeing it up.
Who the hell's Saul Zaentz?
You don't know Saul Zaentz?
Asshole record producer,
to play their own music?
tried to charge Creedence
We had to listen to
"Put Me In Coach" for 20 years
'cause of that motherfucker?
I love "Centerfield."
Well, you're an idiot.
Look, man, I got to tell you,
and your only friend,
as your sponsor
you really make it hard
for people to like you.
What are you talking about?
I'm a people person.
Unless the people act like total
dickbags, which they always do.
Always do!
[ Sighs ]
Oh.
Andrés Segovia.
He's the greatest classical
guitarist in the world
playing...
a bunch of romantic crap.
She'd like that shit,
Yeah.
right?
Yeah, it shows that
you were paying attention
to her interests,
and it's got the added bonus
of being obscure,
which pretentious chicks love.
You think she's pretentious?
I don't know.
Let's hope so.
Great.
Let's get out of here.
Okay.
Wait.
How is she gonna listen to it?
if she listens to it?
Why do I give a shit
Come on, Loudermilk!
Please.
Stop half-assing it.
I mean, finish something
for once in...
Here we are.
This is good. Perfect.
Ben to the rescue again.
Cheap... only 60 bucks.
Oh.
Okay.
Uh, one more favor.
No, I-I'm broke.
Bullshit.
You got a hundo in your pocket.
through your pants this morning.
I saw it when I was rifling
Why are you rifling
through my pants, man?
So you can't pull this
"I'm broke" bullshit!
You know, you really are
an ass-head.
[ Sighs ]
♪♪
[ Key chain rattling ]
Oh.
Hey, Allison.
Hey.
Hey.
Sam.
Remember? From the...
I-I-I remember.
Yeah, yeah.
Listen, yesterday, I didn't make
a very good
first impression, and, uh...
The thing is is I'm a counselor
for people who abuse drugs
and alcohol,
so I'm dealing with people
who stack lies
on top of lies all day,
and you got to be sometimes...
You know,
you got to be a little blunt.
You got to be a little harsh
with that.
to cut through the bullshit
Um, but, uh, I recognize
that it bleeds over
a little bit
into my personal life, so, uh...
It must be tough.
It's not an excuse
to be rude, though,
so I just wanted...
Well, I want to give you this.
You know, you said
you were learning guitar.
This is Andrés Segovia.
He's the Hendrix
of guitar players.
He's terrific.
I...
You're gonna like him.
His only failing, really,
is he didn't O.D.,
so nobody knows who he is,
but, uh... yeah.
That's really nice of you, Sam,
any way to play it.
but I don't have
Oh, well, yeah, you do.
I got a...
Comes with a...
There's a...
[ Laughs ]
Wow.
...a latch.
Um, thank you.
Sure.
There you go.
There you are.
You piece of trash.
I came to you for help,
but you did nothing!
No, actually, you made it worse.
This is one of those fuck-ups
that I was telling you about,
okay?
I think she's
on the bath salts or some...
Don't you lie to her!
You called my daughter a slob
to proposition her.
and then tried
No, no, no, no, hey, what I said
was that I would not fuck her.
[ Gasps ]
Then you insulted her hygiene.
Yes.
But you got to admit,
the girl smells a little bit
like a rotting corpse, no?
fooled Father Michael,
You may have
but I can see you for the
worthless human being you are.
You make me sick.
So, Segovia is the first guy
to ever put nylon strings
on a guitar,
and it, uh,
and that blew his sound open,
made the fingering...
Enjoy.
♪♪
Hey.
Check it.
We've been kicked out
'cause of you.
[ Doorknob rattles ]
Unbelievable.
Like, what kind of monster
evicts you using Comic Sans?
Come on, Mike.
You can't just kick us out.
I just did.
who need help?
What about all the people
Well, that's on you, Loudermilk.
I made it very clear
what would happen
if you didn't do your part.
Unlike you, I stick to my word.
I'm not a miracle worker Yeah,
like the bearded guy
that you love so much.
You mean Jesus?
You asked me to talk
to the girl,
You should have tried harder!
and I talked to her.
She didn't go for it.
I tried plenty hard.
My decision is final.
You brought this on yourself.
So that's it?
Yep, that's it.
Okay. Fine. You know what?
I don't need you.
that will happily
I can think of a million places
open up their doors
to some people in need.
I started jerking off a few guys
for meth money.
No big deal.
Before you know it,
I was giving a couple of B.J.'s.
going more than five minutes
Then it seems like I wasn't
without a dick in my mouth.
Then I hit rock bottom.
Yeah, one day,
I find myself in lockup,
getting into a shouting match
with a some know-it-all
to work the tip or the shaft
about whether it's better
while diddling the balls.
[ Sighs ]
That...
That wasn't me.
Loudermilk: Okay.
Okay, good sharing.
That's powerful stuff.
horrible idea.
This was a horrible,
Uh, and that's on me.
We got to get back
to the church,
but I-I-I'm gonna figure it out.
I don't want you guys
to worry about it.
You're my number-one priority,
okay?
Let's go.
I'm not a biologist
or anything, but, uh...
it would have to be the shaft,
right?
[ Door opens, closes ]
because that's where
all the nerves are.
that... that's a power move.
Working the balls, though,
Really a matter of contrast.
Guys, let's go!
♪♪
Hey, Father.
All right, so,
I'm outside of a place
called, uh, Kock Blockerz.
That sound right?
That is the worst name for
a strip club I have ever heard.
Well, I don't think
they understand marketing.
So, if... if I talk to Claire,
you're gonna let us back
in the church, right?
All right.
I'm a man of my word,
Loudermilk.
I haven't been in a bar
in five years,
so I hope you sleep well
tonight.
All right,
let's do it for the kids.
[ Groans ]
[ Rock 'n' roll playing
on stereo ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ Laughter ]
Oh, this sucks.
This sucks,
this sucks, this sucks.
Hm, could be worse.
Can I get you a drink?
No.
No, no, no, no.
La, la, la, la, la, la.
[ Music continues ]
Yay.
There she is.
Hey, Claire.
Hi.
It's you.
This asshole from my house.
Aww.
You're sweet to remember.
Listen, I want to spitball
with you for a minute here.
to me, and she was pissed.
I told my mom what you said
Yeah, well, you wanted
to get me in trouble, it worked.
Oh.
You got busted.
Oh.
Ow.
No touching.
Hey!
I'm... I'm not
touching anybody.
She's touching me.
It's okay.
I know him.
Take it into the champagne room.
Yeah, we're going.
Thank you.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ Music continues ]
Ah, here. Let's get you
some fresh air, come on.
[ Retching ]
[ Sniffles, coughs ]
[ Groans ]
as this all seems,
So, as glamorous and fun
I've seen it before,
and it doesn't end well.
You don't know anything.
I know how to barf without
getting it on my shoes.
[ Sighs ]
[ Breathes shakily ]
[ Sighs ]
Here.
Just try not to get
too much puke on it.
Why are you bothering me?
I'm trying to help.
You can't help me.
Nobody can.
Get the fuck over yourself.
Come on.
Really.
If you think
you're the only person who...
You think I don't know
misery and pain?
I was married for eight years.
And what happened?
She dumped your ass?
Big fucking surprise.
No, not exactly.
I took us out
for a spin one night
after a couple bottles of Jack
and wrapped the car
around a tree.
I was okay.
She wasn't.
Shit happens.
What are you gonna do?
Hurting yourself is easy,
but living is hard.
So, Claire, what's the thing?
Okay?
that nobody can help you with?
What's the big problem
Come on. I'm in...
I'm in suspense, here.
I'm not gonna be able
to sleep at night.
Just... Just say it.
What the fuck is it?
I just...
[ Voice breaking ]
I really miss my dad.
♪♪
[ Crying ]
Yeah. Okay.
I know you do.
Hey, dude,
get away from my girlfriend!
Guys, guys, guys.
[ Sighs ]
She's upset, all right?
I just gave an awesome speech.
Please tell me
you heard some of it.
No, man, we missed it.
Let's here it again,
Shakespeare. Come on.
All right.
[ Groans ]
Hey.
I've been dicking around
all night looking for this girl
so I can help some people
with real problems.
Okay?
get out of my way,
So why don't you assholes
or we're gonna do this
the hard way?
♪♪
So, how'd you know to call me?
There were only three numbers
in his phone.
You're the only one
that answered.
That's really, really pathetic.
[ Coughs ]
Oh.
[ Spits ]
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Gross.
I'm out of here.
Is... Is he okay?
Oh, who?
Ass-head Sam?
No, he's fine.
[ Grunts ]
by the way.
Hey, I'm kind-hearted Ben,
[ Sighs ]
What the hell were you doing
in a bar?
Okay, you're a drunk.
I'm a drunk.
Guys like us can't do that.
It was fine.
I had to find the kid.
Yeah, yeah, looks like
it went really great.
You got to call me
next time, man, okay?
You're not ready
to be alone like that.
Ow! Ow!
They punched your feet?
Oh. Seriously?
[ Sighs ]
This'll help with the swelling.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, the teenage girl
that I came in with...
right?
you know I'm not hitting that,
Yeah, Ben filled me in on that.
Oh, thanks.
Would it be all right
if we forgot
about all that business earlier
and started over?
old people down stairs?
Are you gonna stop pushing
Can't make any promises.
Okay.
I got to go, Sam.
Give me a shout
if you guys need anything.
Thank you.
I get it.
so you can garner
You staged the beatdown
the sympathy
of our hot neighbor.
You are a tactical genius.
Listen, I'm gonna close my eyes.
If I die in my sleep,
the Netflix password is
"Dianne" underscore "Wiest03."
Well, I hope you don't die
'cause those are terrible
last words.
♪♪
You've earned it.
The meeting room or the beating?
[ Chuckles ]
[ Sighs ]
Oh, good.
Uh, go on in
and set up the chairs.
I'll be in in a minute.
Can I ask you something?
What?
Did that hurt?
Yeah.
Good.
'Cause you made me talk
about giving B.J.'s
where I get my lattes.
Who are you again?
Never mind.
You got a visitor here.
Loudermilk.
Oh.
I, uh... I wanted
to give this back to you.
Hm.
I washed it.
You didn't have to do that.
After I threw up on it.
to have it.
I'd really like you
You were, um, right, by the way.
Hurting myself is easy,
and... living is the hard part.
Hm.
Well, even a blind squirrel's
right twice a day.
So, uh, you're here.
You want to stick around
for the meeting?
Uh, yeah, I, um...
I can't tonight.
No?
But maybe another time.
How about next week?
Maybe.
Okay.
See you maybe.
[ Sighs ]
That's right.
You're blowjob guy.
Uh...
Ben: Hi.
Hey.
Uh, is Sam around?
Oh, no, he's, uh, still out
running his meeting
at the church where he does...
That's where he does them.
Normally, I'd invite you in,
but you just caught me
coming out of the shower.
In... In your clothes?
Okay, thanks for coming by.
I'll let him know.
[ Sighs ]
♪♪
[ Exhales sharply ]
♪ Love over again ♪
♪♪
♪ Love over again ♪
.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected
by Dan4Jem, AD.XII.MMXVII
a bow at the very end ♪
♪ It's quite an act you put on ♪
♪ Wait till the cameras roll ♪
Ladies first.
Thanks.
Okay.
I'm gonna need
with soy milk, extra hot.
one large café misto
Next, a hot chai latte...
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?
I'm ordering.
but I was here first,
Yeah, I know,
and I'm just getting
a black coffee.
One black coffee.
I thought you said
"Ladies first"?
Woman: Name.
Yeah, back there, not here.
What's the difference?
Why?
Sir, name?
Hold on there, sporty.
Uh, the difference is that,
over there,
I was being chivalrous,
and over here,
you're being selfish
and thoughtless and rude.
You live in a world
with other people, okay?
Get your nose out of your phone,
and you might see that.
My phone?
I have the coffee order
for work on here.
on that thing!
There's like a hundred drinks
Why are you getting coffee
for the whole office?
Have you never heard
of Betty Friedan?
No.
Gloria Steinem?
Really?
Not a clue.
No. Mnh-mnh.
Not at all.
Maybe you need
to be on medication.
I am on medication...
it's called coffee,
and I can't get it because
I'm waiting for you to order
in your millennial clown car.
for everyone
You're an asshole.
I'm an asshole?
Yes.
I'm an asshole?
Yes, an asshole.
'Cause let's be real.
let's face it... kind of hot,
If I wasn't young and...
you wouldn't have held
that door open for me.
You were flirting.
And then when you realized
I showed no interest,
you got mad,
and then all your chivalry
went right out the window.
So, that's how you do it?
You just take all your own
self-centered behavior
and you flip it on me?
So now I'm supposed to be
the ass...
Asshole?
Coffee for Asshole?
Yeah, that's me.
[ Franz Ferdinand's
"Stand on the Horizon" plays ]
♪ The North Sea sings ♪
♪ "Won't you come to me,
baby?" ♪
♪ Oh, won't you come to me? ♪
♪ The North Sea sings ♪
baby?" ♪
♪ "Won't you come to me,
♪ Oh, won't you come to me? ♪
♪ The North Sea sings ♪
♪ "Won't you come to me,
baby?" ♪
♪ The North Sea sings ♪
♪ Oh, won't you come to me? ♪
I see we got some new folks.
Okay.
Uh, I'm Sam Loudermilk.
I'm four years off the sauce,
and I am super-duper excited
about getting you on the road
to sobriety.
- All right.
- Yay.
wants to go first?
So, which one of you fuck-ups
Don't drink.
Don't drink.
Don't drink.
Actually, I am a recovering
meth addict.
Still good advice.
Take a shower.
Cisco.
Hey, come here.
How come you haven't
been sharing in group
the last couple days?
'Cause everything's going good.
Okay. So, h-h-how many days
are you sober?
Um, like...
Yeah, no,
you're lying to me, okay?
There's no "um" in sober.
If you're sober, you know
exactly how long you been sober.
Yeah, okay, I had a few beers.
What kind of beers?
Coors Light.
[ Scoffs ]
That stuff's like water.
That... That doesn't count.
Really?
No!
Of course it counts, you dope.
Come on.
I'm really trying, man.
Well, you got to try harder.
Look.
Life's about
fucking things up, okay,
and then un-fucking
the things that you fucked up.
of a fuck-up,
That's what makes you less
not lying about it.
Thanks.
I'll do better.
Well, just don't do worse.
Mr. Loudermilk,
can I speak to you in private?
This isn't private?
Well, I suppose it won't come
as a surprise to you
that I've received numerous
anonymous complaints
about the way you're leading
these meetings.
Who?
No, I want names.
I can't give you the names.
I just told you
the complaints are anonymous.
It's the bingo bitches,
isn't it?
Oh, God.
[ Sighs ]
let's face it...
Look, Loudermilk,
you're not warm and fuzzy.
You're hard and angular
and uncomfortable.
You're like an IKEA chair
who leads sobriety meetings.
But be that as it may,
I think the work
that your organization does
benefits a number of people,
and for that reason,
I would hate
to have to suspend your meetings
because of one
unruly facilitator.
Okay.
a prize or... or what?
So, am... am I getting
I need a favor.
Mrs. Wilkes is an important
member of our church,
and right now, she's having
trouble with her daughter.
God help me, I have a feeling
may be exactly what she needs.
that your brand of help
You have a real... knack
with people who've lost
their way.
Yeah, um, women are not exactly
my area of expertise,
unless you want her to smash
all your shit and move out.
she's a good girl...
My daughter, Claire,
was a good girl.
Is she transitioning?
No, she's still a girl,
but now, she's a bad girl.
My husband passed recently,
she's gotten out of control.
and since then,
I try and talk to her
about enrolling
in one of those
heroin schools...
Rehab.
...but she won't listen
to me.
Okay.
Well, uh, send her to a meeting.
I'll talk to her.
No.
She'll never do that.
You have to go to her.
Yeah, here's the thing...
I don't make house calls.
Please.
Father Michael
recommended you very highly.
Well, I wouldn't say highly.
Look, Loudermilk.
[ Clears throat ]
You go and talk to Claire,
these meetings
and I won't suspend
or report you for being
one of the most horrible people
ever to set foot into this...
All right, fine,
fine, fine, I'll do it.
Where exactly will I find
this fragile, little flower?
♪♪
[ Sighs ]
[ Muffled dance music thumping ]
Who the fuck are you?
Well, spoken like
a Disney princess come to life.
Again, who the fuck are you?
I'm Sam Loudermilk.
professional help,
Your mother says you need
but I guess she settled on me.
My mom's a cunt.
Oh!
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, she probably is.
or what I want in my life,
She doesn't know shit about me
so get the fuck out of here,
asshole.
I just want to get something
out of the way
right up front here.
Okay, I understand there's
a shit-ton of sexual chemistry
[ Scoffs ]
going back and forth
between you and me...
Gross! You're like 70!
but it's not gonna happen.
Oh, I'm gross?
You're like 14 pounds.
Fuck you, man!
Yeah.
doesn't feel so good, does it?
Hyperbole for comic effect
Why don't you let me in?
Fine.
Come on in.
[ Door closes ]
[ Music continues ]
This is my boyfriend, Wyatt.
Yeah?
Don't care.
me if you're filming me, right?
So, you realize you got to tell
Why would I be filming you?
Well, I figure there's got to be
[ Lighter clicks ]
a crew from "Hoarders"
around here somewhere.
So, what's up?
at the unfeeling universe
Are you lashing out
because dad's dead, or...?
I-I... What's your deal?
I don't have a deal.
I live my life
the way I want to live it.
Oh, okay.
Okay. See ya.
What?
What, what?
That's it?
Yeah, that's it.
[ Scoffs ]
Aren't you supposed to, like,
try harder or something?
Let me break this down for you.
I don't know you.
I don't give a fuck about you.
You want to drink and drug
yourself to an early grave,
great.
You're doing great.
So why did you even come here?
Morbid curiosity.
I wanted to see if you were
your mother said you were.
half the shit show
Fuck you, man!
Here.
That's my number.
You want help, call it.
You want to come to a meeting,
great.
will be given by me.
If not, exactly zero shits
Dude, you better get
the fuck out of here now!
Yeah, I'm... I-I'm going.
Not 'cause I'm afraid of you,
but 'cause it smells like
two garbage cans
have been fucking in here.
♪♪
Coming through.
[ Grunts ]
Hey, Greatest Generation,
come on, pick it up a bit.
[ Snapping fingers ]
Let's go.
I'm trying.
and that's Normandy,
Well, pretend I'm Ike
and storm that shit.
[ Breathing heavily ]
Oh, my God.
Hey, watch it!
This Fender Kingman
is six months of your rent!
a piece of shit, then,
Well it must be
'cause I share an alley-view
apartment with another dude.
[ Sighs ]
Hi.
Hey.
Uh, this is kind of
embarrassing,
a chair stuck to your back.
but I think you have
What? Where?
Other...
Other shoulder.
Yeah, just keep...
Nope. No, no.
Too far. Back.
Ah, there you go.
Oh! [ Laughs ]
Probably got it snagged
at a restaurant or something
the last couple days.
Oh, crap.
Not again.
[ Laughs ]
I'm, um, Allison.
I just moved into 2-C.
Sam, 2-B...
or not to be...
that is my apartment.
[ Laughs ]
It actually is 2-B, though,
so there's no confusion.
[ Guitar case thuds ]
Oh, Mr. Ellis,
I was gonna call you
[ Breathing heavily ]
about starting
guitar lessons.
You okay?
Yeah, sure, I'm from
the Greatest Generation.
Right, buddy?
Uh, hey.
with that, sir?
Can I help you
That looks pretty heavy there.
You sure you don't want
to push me down again?
This guy body-checked me
on the stairs.
with minimal contact.
No, I scooted past you, okay,
I scooted.
Who rushes past
an elderly person
I didn't body-check him.
and body-checks them?
I might've bumped him
a little bit, okay?
He...
But that's it.
Look, he's old.
They exaggerate.
Well, I guess it's not 2-B.
[to be]
Ass-head.
[ Door slams ]
♪♪
an ass-head,
So, then he called me
and she slams the door
in my face.
Well, I mean,
the ass-head thing is fair.
Yeah, but she didn't
know that yet.
Okay?
the balls off her.
I was charming
You know, I got a question...
why were you pushing an old man
out of your way?
'Cause I was in a hurry.
In a hurry for what?
You got nowhere to be.
to get nowhere faster.
Well, maybe I want
So, you gonna try
to make it up to her?
I don't know.
What's the point?
What's the point?
[ Sighs ]
this is the first woman
Well, the point is,
you've had even a remotely
meaningful connection with
in like four years.
Yeah.
She did really like
my chair-on-the-shoulder bit,
which I ad-libbed.
[ Laughs ]
That is funny, when it looks
like a chair's stuck to you.
Yeah.
Well, now you just got to make
it up to her, you know?
Show her that you're
a thoughtful, sensitive guy.
You mean fool her?
Yes.
How?
♪♪
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You're banned from the store,
Loudermilk.
I'm sick of you calling me
a douche.
I come in peace.
Relax.
I don't want to argue
about why Nirvana wouldn't exist
without the bubblegum hits
of the late '60s.
[ Scoffs ]
Man, that's so reductive.
Reductive?
making words up now?
Are we just
Just because Cobain said
in one interview
that the 1910 Fruitgum Company's
version
Okay. Hey, hey.
of "Yummy Yummy Yummy"...
All right, all right.
Hey, Captain Pompous, relax.
Get your talking points
together.
We'll get back to this.
We're on a mission here.
Fine.
What are you looking for?
down some stairs
Loudermilk knocked an old man
in front of
our hot new neighbor,
so he's trying
to make up for that.
Jesus, dude.
You're the fucking worst, man.
Oh, really?
I'm the worst?
I'm worse than Hitler?
I'm worse than Saul Zaentz?
I'm worse than Pol Pot?
Hey, isn't it weird that a guy
with "pot" in his name
turns out
to be so totally bogus?
[ Both laugh ]
for a while, haven't you?
You've been sitting on that
An incredibly long time.
Sure.
Thank you for teeing it up.
Who the hell's Saul Zaentz?
You don't know Saul Zaentz?
Asshole record producer,
to play their own music?
tried to charge Creedence
We had to listen to
"Put Me In Coach" for 20 years
'cause of that motherfucker?
I love "Centerfield."
Well, you're an idiot.
Look, man, I got to tell you,
and your only friend,
as your sponsor
you really make it hard
for people to like you.
What are you talking about?
I'm a people person.
Unless the people act like total
dickbags, which they always do.
Always do!
[ Sighs ]
Oh.
Andrés Segovia.
He's the greatest classical
guitarist in the world
playing...
a bunch of romantic crap.
She'd like that shit,
Yeah.
right?
Yeah, it shows that
you were paying attention
to her interests,
and it's got the added bonus
of being obscure,
which pretentious chicks love.
You think she's pretentious?
I don't know.
Let's hope so.
Great.
Let's get out of here.
Okay.
Wait.
How is she gonna listen to it?
if she listens to it?
Why do I give a shit
Come on, Loudermilk!
Please.
Stop half-assing it.
I mean, finish something
for once in...
Here we are.
This is good. Perfect.
Ben to the rescue again.
Cheap... only 60 bucks.
Oh.
Okay.
Uh, one more favor.
No, I-I'm broke.
Bullshit.
You got a hundo in your pocket.
through your pants this morning.
I saw it when I was rifling
Why are you rifling
through my pants, man?
So you can't pull this
"I'm broke" bullshit!
You know, you really are
an ass-head.
[ Sighs ]
♪♪
[ Key chain rattling ]
Oh.
Hey, Allison.
Hey.
Hey.
Sam.
Remember? From the...
I-I-I remember.
Yeah, yeah.
Listen, yesterday, I didn't make
a very good
first impression, and, uh...
The thing is is I'm a counselor
for people who abuse drugs
and alcohol,
so I'm dealing with people
who stack lies
on top of lies all day,
and you got to be sometimes...
You know,
you got to be a little blunt.
You got to be a little harsh
with that.
to cut through the bullshit
Um, but, uh, I recognize
that it bleeds over
a little bit
into my personal life, so, uh...
It must be tough.
It's not an excuse
to be rude, though,
so I just wanted...
Well, I want to give you this.
You know, you said
you were learning guitar.
This is Andrés Segovia.
He's the Hendrix
of guitar players.
He's terrific.
I...
You're gonna like him.
His only failing, really,
is he didn't O.D.,
so nobody knows who he is,
but, uh... yeah.
That's really nice of you, Sam,
any way to play it.
but I don't have
Oh, well, yeah, you do.
I got a...
Comes with a...
There's a...
[ Laughs ]
Wow.
...a latch.
Um, thank you.
Sure.
There you go.
There you are.
You piece of trash.
I came to you for help,
but you did nothing!
No, actually, you made it worse.
This is one of those fuck-ups
that I was telling you about,
okay?
I think she's
on the bath salts or some...
Don't you lie to her!
You called my daughter a slob
to proposition her.
and then tried
No, no, no, no, hey, what I said
was that I would not fuck her.
[ Gasps ]
Then you insulted her hygiene.
Yes.
But you got to admit,
the girl smells a little bit
like a rotting corpse, no?
fooled Father Michael,
You may have
but I can see you for the
worthless human being you are.
You make me sick.
So, Segovia is the first guy
to ever put nylon strings
on a guitar,
and it, uh,
and that blew his sound open,
made the fingering...
Enjoy.
♪♪
Hey.
Check it.
We've been kicked out
'cause of you.
[ Doorknob rattles ]
Unbelievable.
Like, what kind of monster
evicts you using Comic Sans?
Come on, Mike.
You can't just kick us out.
I just did.
who need help?
What about all the people
Well, that's on you, Loudermilk.
I made it very clear
what would happen
if you didn't do your part.
Unlike you, I stick to my word.
I'm not a miracle worker Yeah,
like the bearded guy
that you love so much.
You mean Jesus?
You asked me to talk
to the girl,
You should have tried harder!
and I talked to her.
She didn't go for it.
I tried plenty hard.
My decision is final.
You brought this on yourself.
So that's it?
Yep, that's it.
Okay. Fine. You know what?
I don't need you.
that will happily
I can think of a million places
open up their doors
to some people in need.
I started jerking off a few guys
for meth money.
No big deal.
Before you know it,
I was giving a couple of B.J.'s.
going more than five minutes
Then it seems like I wasn't
without a dick in my mouth.
Then I hit rock bottom.
Yeah, one day,
I find myself in lockup,
getting into a shouting match
with a some know-it-all
to work the tip or the shaft
about whether it's better
while diddling the balls.
[ Sighs ]
That...
That wasn't me.
Loudermilk: Okay.
Okay, good sharing.
That's powerful stuff.
horrible idea.
This was a horrible,
Uh, and that's on me.
We got to get back
to the church,
but I-I-I'm gonna figure it out.
I don't want you guys
to worry about it.
You're my number-one priority,
okay?
Let's go.
I'm not a biologist
or anything, but, uh...
it would have to be the shaft,
right?
[ Door opens, closes ]
because that's where
all the nerves are.
that... that's a power move.
Working the balls, though,
Really a matter of contrast.
Guys, let's go!
♪♪
Hey, Father.
All right, so,
I'm outside of a place
called, uh, Kock Blockerz.
That sound right?
That is the worst name for
a strip club I have ever heard.
Well, I don't think
they understand marketing.
So, if... if I talk to Claire,
you're gonna let us back
in the church, right?
All right.
I'm a man of my word,
Loudermilk.
I haven't been in a bar
in five years,
so I hope you sleep well
tonight.
All right,
let's do it for the kids.
[ Groans ]
[ Rock 'n' roll playing
on stereo ]
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ Laughter ]
Oh, this sucks.
This sucks,
this sucks, this sucks.
Hm, could be worse.
Can I get you a drink?
No.
No, no, no, no.
La, la, la, la, la, la.
[ Music continues ]
Yay.
There she is.
Hey, Claire.
Hi.
It's you.
This asshole from my house.
Aww.
You're sweet to remember.
Listen, I want to spitball
with you for a minute here.
to me, and she was pissed.
I told my mom what you said
Yeah, well, you wanted
to get me in trouble, it worked.
Oh.
You got busted.
Oh.
Ow.
No touching.
Hey!
I'm... I'm not
touching anybody.
She's touching me.
It's okay.
I know him.
Take it into the champagne room.
Yeah, we're going.
Thank you.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ Music continues ]
Ah, here. Let's get you
some fresh air, come on.
[ Retching ]
[ Sniffles, coughs ]
[ Groans ]
as this all seems,
So, as glamorous and fun
I've seen it before,
and it doesn't end well.
You don't know anything.
I know how to barf without
getting it on my shoes.
[ Sighs ]
[ Breathes shakily ]
[ Sighs ]
Here.
Just try not to get
too much puke on it.
Why are you bothering me?
I'm trying to help.
You can't help me.
Nobody can.
Get the fuck over yourself.
Come on.
Really.
If you think
you're the only person who...
You think I don't know
misery and pain?
I was married for eight years.
And what happened?
She dumped your ass?
Big fucking surprise.
No, not exactly.
I took us out
for a spin one night
after a couple bottles of Jack
and wrapped the car
around a tree.
I was okay.
She wasn't.
Shit happens.
What are you gonna do?
Hurting yourself is easy,
but living is hard.
So, Claire, what's the thing?
Okay?
that nobody can help you with?
What's the big problem
Come on. I'm in...
I'm in suspense, here.
I'm not gonna be able
to sleep at night.
Just... Just say it.
What the fuck is it?
I just...
[ Voice breaking ]
I really miss my dad.
♪♪
[ Crying ]
Yeah. Okay.
I know you do.
Hey, dude,
get away from my girlfriend!
Guys, guys, guys.
[ Sighs ]
She's upset, all right?
I just gave an awesome speech.
Please tell me
you heard some of it.
No, man, we missed it.
Let's here it again,
Shakespeare. Come on.
All right.
[ Groans ]
Hey.
I've been dicking around
all night looking for this girl
so I can help some people
with real problems.
Okay?
get out of my way,
So why don't you assholes
or we're gonna do this
the hard way?
♪♪
So, how'd you know to call me?
There were only three numbers
in his phone.
You're the only one
that answered.
That's really, really pathetic.
[ Coughs ]
Oh.
[ Spits ]
Oh, my God.
Oh.
Gross.
I'm out of here.
Is... Is he okay?
Oh, who?
Ass-head Sam?
No, he's fine.
[ Grunts ]
by the way.
Hey, I'm kind-hearted Ben,
[ Sighs ]
What the hell were you doing
in a bar?
Okay, you're a drunk.
I'm a drunk.
Guys like us can't do that.
It was fine.
I had to find the kid.
Yeah, yeah, looks like
it went really great.
You got to call me
next time, man, okay?
You're not ready
to be alone like that.
Ow! Ow!
They punched your feet?
Oh. Seriously?
[ Sighs ]
This'll help with the swelling.
Oh, thank you.
Hey, the teenage girl
that I came in with...
right?
you know I'm not hitting that,
Yeah, Ben filled me in on that.
Oh, thanks.
Would it be all right
if we forgot
about all that business earlier
and started over?
old people down stairs?
Are you gonna stop pushing
Can't make any promises.
Okay.
I got to go, Sam.
Give me a shout
if you guys need anything.
Thank you.
I get it.
so you can garner
You staged the beatdown
the sympathy
of our hot neighbor.
You are a tactical genius.
Listen, I'm gonna close my eyes.
If I die in my sleep,
the Netflix password is
"Dianne" underscore "Wiest03."
Well, I hope you don't die
'cause those are terrible
last words.
♪♪
You've earned it.
The meeting room or the beating?
[ Chuckles ]
[ Sighs ]
Oh, good.
Uh, go on in
and set up the chairs.
I'll be in in a minute.
Can I ask you something?
What?
Did that hurt?
Yeah.
Good.
'Cause you made me talk
about giving B.J.'s
where I get my lattes.
Who are you again?
Never mind.
You got a visitor here.
Loudermilk.
Oh.
I, uh... I wanted
to give this back to you.
Hm.
I washed it.
You didn't have to do that.
After I threw up on it.
to have it.
I'd really like you
You were, um, right, by the way.
Hurting myself is easy,
and... living is the hard part.
Hm.
Well, even a blind squirrel's
right twice a day.
So, uh, you're here.
You want to stick around
for the meeting?
Uh, yeah, I, um...
I can't tonight.
No?
But maybe another time.
How about next week?
Maybe.
Okay.
See you maybe.
[ Sighs ]
That's right.
You're blowjob guy.
Uh...
Ben: Hi.
Hey.
Uh, is Sam around?
Oh, no, he's, uh, still out
running his meeting
at the church where he does...
That's where he does them.
Normally, I'd invite you in,
but you just caught me
coming out of the shower.
In... In your clothes?
Okay, thanks for coming by.
I'll let him know.
[ Sighs ]
♪♪
[ Exhales sharply ]
♪ Love over again ♪
♪♪
♪ Love over again ♪
.srt Extracted, Synced and Corrected
by Dan4Jem, AD.XII.MMXVII