Lost Girl (2010–2016): Season 3, Episode 3 - Confaegion - full transcript

Argh!

Some guys just can't
take "no" for an answer.

The Morrigan
wants that photo!

Oh, I can't blame her.
Have you seen it?

Awkward!

Ahh!

[Thud]

[Whack]

[Laughing]

Kenzi for the assist!
Yes!

Did you like that part?
Where I pretended



to fall on my ass when
actually I was like

a stealth missile
lasering in on target.

Smooth.
Remind me

to book you on
"Dancing With The Fae".

Is that a thing?

Just help me drag
tall, dark and hideous

out of sight, okay?

You know,
far be it from me

to be a Wendy Whiner...

Totally.

But this is the third
Faebag attack this week.

Your point, Wendy?

Yesterday it was the
two-headed thingie

that looked like Regis.



Then before that
it was that hotdog vendor

that turned out to be
a fire-breathing...?

I wanna say, frog?

Jellyfish?

Whatever it was, we
kicked its gelatinous ass.

You know, I never
thought I'd say this,

but I'm only human, Bo.
And, no offense,

but you ain't lookin'
so chipper either.

Hey, whatever The Morrigan
dishes out, I can handle it.

You still got that doozie
from yesterday's slug fest?

Yesterday it
was a cut.

Today it is a bruise.
I'm healing.

Slowly.
Very slowly.

What are you saying?

The doc...

I mean...

You know, isn't it like
trying to charge an iPad

with a hamster wheel?

Okay, time out.

What exactly do you
have against Lauren?

Moi?

Oh, come on, Kenzi,
with the little digs

and the rolling
of the eyes...

I'm not stupid.

Well...

Here's your chance,
while I'm still high

off my wicked moves.
Get it out of your system!

She is bossy, territorial,
and controlling.

She thinks you're immature,
irresponsible and clingy.

She does?!

Oh, you've said those
things about yourself.

Yeah, but when I say it,
it is adorable.

Okay, the point
is I love Lauren.

She's a huge
part of my life.

As are you.

So in the Battle of BFF
versus Main Squeeze,

I think it's time
we called a truce.

Got it?

Uh huh.

Now, all those
on Team Bo...

Drinks are on me.

[Whack]

That's right.

Oh, Bruce...
you disappoint me.

I'm Steve--

How did this happen?

It's not my fault,
she had an army.

Don't insult
my intelligence!

You're a worse liar than
your brother, Eric.

Dave.

I don't care!

If I hadn't just
had my nails done,

I'd rip your
beating heart out myself.

You're too kind.

I think someone's
getting a little too big

for her leather britches.

[Rustling]

Soon, my pet...
soon.

If Li'l Bo Bleep thinks she
can play in the big leagues...

let the games begin.

Life is hard when
you don't know who you are.

It's harder when you don't
know what you are.

My love carries
a death sentence.

I was lost for years,
searching while hiding.

Only to find that I belonged
to a world hidden from humans.

I won't hide anymore.

I will live
the life I choose.

.

EKG, MRI, EMV...

Wake me up
when you get to S&M.

See, the truth of it,
Vex, is that--

No, don't
sugar coat it, doc.

Just give it
to me straight.

Okay.

There is nothing physically
wrong with your arm,

or your nervous system, or
your musculoskeletal system--

Then...

why... can't I--

Get it up?

Oh, regular riot,
you are.

Since there's no
physiological reason

for your
mesmeric impotence--

Aha!
I made you do that!

No, actually,
that was just an itch.

Damn you!

What I'm trying to say is
that your "condition"

may be psychological
in nature.

What, you sayin'
I'm whacked?

Like I'm a nutter? A few
ounces short of a pint?

It's not at all uncommon
in Fae your age.

Do you have any idea
who you're talking to?

You shall feel
the wrath of Vex!

Bah!

Why aren't you strangling
yourself by now?!

It's nothing to be
embarrassed about.

I actually have
the pamphlet--

Oh, save your pathetic
bedside manner

for your new, presumably
temporary, girlfriend!

Excuse me?

Oh, come on--
It can't be easy

keepin' up with the
Energizer SuccuBunny.

Though Dyson could.

Okay. You know what?
I think we're done.

Any chance of
a prescription refill?

Out!

Really?

Bloody physicians.

I mean, imagine sayin' that
there's nothing wrong with it.

I mean, have you ever
heard anything so--

Hello! Barkeep!
I'm talking to you!

Still?

Unbelievable!

Here I am, pouring out
my heart to you and--

Dyson, I'm not
here for my health.

You wanna look at these
case files or not?

Uh, absolutely.
Just gimme a sec--

Ah...
Greetings.

Don't even
start, Vex.

I beg your pardon?

I'm not buying you
another drink.

Hey, I'm
deeply offended.

Good, now go away.

Hey, you
don't own me.

Okay, look--

We've been listening to
your same sad story for days.

The Dark doesn't want me.
The Light can't stand me.

My friends--
Oh, wait...

He doesn't
have any, does he?

Sucks to be Vex.

This is an outrage!

Nine ball...
side pocket.

What is with
that chick?

She's just not
feeling the love.

But why?

Because she thinks
you're a murderer?

But more importantly,
what have you been up to?

What?
Oh--

The Morrigan again?

Oh, piece of cake.

Don't underestimate
that woman.

After the Garuda
meltdown, the Light

and the Dark have
agreed to play nice.

Unaligned
means unprotected.

Oh, but you
are forgetting...

I have this.

My own little
insurance policy.

I still think you should
talk to The Ash.

You look like you
could use a break.

And I'm guessing
Kenzi could, too.

Oh!

--[Clatter]
--Ow!

Pardonez moi...

What's his problem?

I have no idea.

You brought this
on yourself, you know.

Is this how you
roll now? Tough love?

You handcuffed
The Morrigan

to her bed
for a Kodak moment.

You sure this
has nothing to do

with your Fae United
Nations experiment?

A Light cop partnered
with a Dark cop? Really?

It's cynicism like that
has kept our sides

from building
a genuine peace.

Also, why do you care
who Dyson is paired with?

I don't.

Didn't think so.

Know what might
help your situation?

Just so happens
I had a declaration

to the Light
all prepared...

I'm not gonna be pressured into
choosing a side out of fear.

Well, can't blame
an Ash for tryin'.

You know what?
Forget it.

I can handle
the shitstorm,

it's just that Kenzi is
starting to feel the strain.

Now who's dishing
out tough love?

Bo, hang on...

Look, since we got
all Garuda-fied,

I've been doing some serious
inventory of the archives.

And...?

Seems someone has grabbed
my Staff of Righteousness.

The Staff is
a piece of wood...

a treasured ceremonial relic
and very powerful.

Currently believed
to be in the possession

of one
Mortimer Fassbinder.

Pawnbroker
and sleazebag.

So, if I bring you
this Staff...

I could probably post a
security detail near your place.

Keep an eye out
for The Morrigan's pets.

Where do I find
this Fassbinder?

Hold up, Slick.

There's something you
should know about the Staff.

VEX: Cheers, Bruce!

Lovely lady,
it is your lucky day.

I could have you killed just
for crossing my threshold.

Tut tut, bygones
and all that...

A heartfelt expression
of my loyalty to the Dark.

And you.

I am beautiful
in restraints.

Delete.

Was there
something else?

Well, I thought
you'd be pleased.

If you really wanted
to please me you would have

brought me that bitch's
head on a platter.

But... but, I--

But maybe your recent
bout of impotence

has spread
to your spine?

Lucky for you, my pity
outweighs my disgust.

I won't
have you killed.

At least not today.

Oh...
You're too kind.

We all have
our cross to bear.

Now drink up and go.

The next time
we meet...

...either you or Bo
will be dead.

The choice is yours.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

Whatcha doin'?

Oh, you know,
just some Doctor-y stuff.

You know, I am actually
interested in your work.

You can talk to me about
whatever it is you do.

Really?

You want to hear about
my latest monograph

regarding the rhizome
repellent gradient

of Fae blood compared
with human blood,

especially when suspended
in an isotonic solution?

Or we could go
to a movie.

Okay.

What is that?

Oh--

The Staff
of Righteousness.

The who of what?

Don't ask.

Oh, and don't touch.

Well...

what can I touch?

Ha, ha,
very funny.

What's gotten
into you?

Well, you know,
nothing just yet.

But I was kinda thinking
maybe we could, um...

[Laughing]
Oh...

Wow... and to think
I just came by

to see if I left
my phone here.

Hm...
I don't know.

Let's look...

Well, it's not
in there.

Gosh, you know,

with any luck maybe
you left it on "vibrate".

I thought you'd be too
tired after last night.

Tired?

I am going for the gold
in the Succu-games.

[Laughing]

Well...

I don't know
what's gotten into you,

but far be it from me
to stand in the way

of a young
athlete's dream.

Yo, V-man.

Whatever.

Sounds like somebody woke
up on the wrong side

of the pull-out
couch this morning.

What's up?

It's my arm.

Again with
the pity parade?

Look, you got a busted
wing, you can't fly.

You gotta walk around
like the rest of us

poor miserable humans.

Welcome
to Kenzi-ville! Man!

Now you know what it's
like to be surrounded

by superheroes
every day.

Suck it up,
Pathetico!

You know,
if I were you,

I'd re-consider a career
in social work.

Can we just--

Forget about your Fae-self
for like a nanosecond,

and talk about something
that's really important?

Doubtful.

Mascara.

You have my attention.

Dude, your lashes
are freakin' amazing!

Yeah... it's all in
the brush technique.

Wait.

I picked up a few
tips from Da Vinci.

As in The Code?

Oh, yeah, now there
was a queen for ya.

He was all over David's
ass like curry on chips.

Can you help me
with my clumping?

Oh, please...

BO: Hey, ya'll.

Hey!
Whazat?

The end of a long
story, involving

a greasy pawnbroker and
some hardcore negotiating.

VEX: Uh, do you mind?
We're working over here.

Anyone seen
my phone?

You say phone?
What, your phone?

[Sigh]

Here, shift a cheek so I can
look under the cushions.

Nothing...

Scootch!

Where'd you
last have it?

That's the thing--

I coulda sworn
that I left it--

Yeah, iPads, iPhones
electricity--

It's all just
a fad, really.

The future's analog
and all that.

I'm tellin' ya.

Am I doing it right?

Uh...

Hm...
Just a little bit up--

O.M.G.

You guys are
so cute together.

Ha!

Huh.

I wish I had
a makeup buddy.

I thought she
could be my friend,

and she doesn't
even like me.

Who?

Tamsin!

She is so
mean girl, right?

I mean, buy an actual
personality already.

Did you happen to rifle
through my duffel bag,

and scarf down
a couple of yellow pills

with tigers on 'em?

I'm gonna talk
to Dyson.

And Bee-Tee-Dubs--

It is trés private.

Private?

[Singing] Lauren's pelt is
gonna be steamed!

What's it with you
and the doc?

I mean, besides her
terrible bedside manner

and the fact that she's
a damn sight cleverer than you.

Not to mention sneaky.

She spy-banged Bo.

Dyson's drop-kicked
Bo's heart ten times over,

and you still howl
when he comes 'round.

I--!

No!

Listen, are
you gonna teach me

the double pump smudge-proof
technique or not?

[Sigh]

I'm so proud of you.

Come here.

Alright, you're gonna move it
like this just at the ends.

You can't--
Like shake it--

I do not like
your friend.

She's not my friend.
She is my new partner.

What is she
saying about me?

Because whatever
it is, it's not true.

Have you been drinking?

What?
Like, alcohol?

[Laughing]

I wish.

Do you
have fake ID?

What?

Let's do it.

Let's get faced!

Okay, you are cut off.
I'm gonna talk to Trick.

Wow, you're
so beautiful.

[Laughing]

I'm sorry--

[Laughing]

I gotta go.

I think Dyson
likes me.

Say what?

Don't tell anyone this...

But I think
I might kiss him!

There's no pupil dilation...

No concussion.

I'm stumped.

You have little specks
in your eyes

that look like stars.

Call me crazy,
but based on

your little display
at the bar...

I mean, I do know
that you and Dyson--

Spill on aisle 3!
Spill on aisle 3!

Ow, ow--

Come on!
Let's go to a movie.

Wow, you're really hot.
Have you ever kissed a girl?

I need you to sit still
to check your EKG, okay?

Bzzz!

Bo, stop!

We have now
swapped brains.

Hi, I'm Dr. Lauren.

I don't like to
have any fun.

Take two frownie brownies
and call me in the morning.

You're really
starting to scare me.

Rawr!

--Okay. Just listen to me.
--Rawr!

Bo! Bo! Listen to me!

Have you come in contact
with any strange Fae lately--

This is so lame!

Bo! Please!

Okay, well--

There was this one gross
guy with a magic stick...

[Laughing]

Hey, Tammers.

T-sin.
Officer "Slamsin"!

Okay...

Are you playin'
with yourself?

Did somebody spike
your brewski?

Dude.

This one time?
That totally happened.

I got to be Kenzi.

Nailed it.

Right.

If you're trying to
throw me off my game

before we get down,
it's working.

Do you think
Bo likes me?

Do I look
like I care?

I think I'm gonna
ask her on a date.

Okay, well...
Knock yourself out.

In the meantime...

You're either
in the game...

or you are
in my way...

You are so badass.

[Singing] Bo and Dyson
sitting in a tree!

Shh!

[Singing]
K-i-s-s-i-n-g!

Oh, that would
be so awesome!

But, shhh!
People are listening.

Hey, Gramps,
what's this?

Seventh century.

Please, put it back
in my study.

Ew, she's gross.

Just put it back.

[Mocking]
"Put it back."

Can I have
the car keys?

No.

If I don't get
the car keys,

I'm gonna count
to a hundred.

In French.

[Laughing]
Good grief...

See what I mean?

Un.

Deux!

Trois...

You think this is
being caused by

the job that
The Ash sent her on?

BO: Quatre...

You tell me.

Quatre.

Can the Staff of Righteousness
have symptoms like these?

BO: Quatre!

Cinq!

For the love
of Aphrodite, it's cinq!

Sorry, French Police.

Cinq.

Six...

At first glance, there's
nothing in the lore

that suggest the Staff is
causing her symptoms.

You have to admit, it's a
pretty strange coincidence.

She goes looking for the
Staff and comes back like--

Pollyanna
on mushrooms?

Exactly.

[Bar patrons cheering]

Hey...

--What?
--Where's "seven"?

♪

Bo, get down!

[Singing]
"Don't you wish you're--"

Hey!

Let me finish!

Don't Kanye me.

DYSON:
You are a cheater!

TAMSIN:
Whatever!

You're a cheater.
And you're getting a zit.

Bo is right.

You're mean!

Whatever this thing is...
it's contagious.

You gotta forget
about brown.

Black is always
the new black.

You can't ground us.

Yeah.
You're not our Mom.

Yeah, we don't even have
to listen to you.

So... Bo shagged
them both daft?

We have a situation.

More like
a shituation.

You guys wanna
see my room?

Uh... yeah!

--Shotgun!
--No! No!

No, wait!
Wait!

Something's
made them sick.

And what's
worse is the--

[Snorting]

--Is that--?
--A pig?

[Snorting]

He's looking
for something.

KENZI:
Or someone!

Bo.

Kenzi, where
is there a knife?

Or your trunk?

Uh, upstairs!

Well, what
about your sword?

Upstairs!

Okay, well, Kenzi,
think of something!

That's usually
your thing, Doc!

This little piggy's about
to go to market!

[Snorting]

[Snorting / growling]

[Struggling]

We need a weapon!
We need something!

Whoa!

Rawr!

[Whack]

[Thud]

Bloody hell...

That'll do, pig...

That'll do.

How did you...

I--

Aren't you
the dark horse.

He's dead.

Dudes, all I did was
pick up this stupid shillelagh

and all of a sudden
I'm Darth Vader.

Let me see that.

Yeah, about that...

the shaft is kinda--

Fae-zy Glued
to my hand.

Yeah...

That happened
to me once.

Painful.

"Grab a weapon,"
she said.

It seems to be
an energy bond.

So un-bond it.

I can't.

The wood is melded
to your flesh.

Worst hand job ever.

Whoa, Mack!
The knife?!

No, I saw it on TV.
It cuts right through wood.

And tomatoes.

[Whack]

Not my bad.

Stick bad.

Plus...

Your music sucks!

I bought
that one ironically.

All of them, actually--

Um, what the heck
is this?

Oh!
Look at that!

What is with your voice?
It's all Scottish-y.

Oh!
Well, do you like it?

--TAMSIN: It's lame.
--No.

KENZI: Yo, peeps!
We are under attack!

Big whoop.

Fascinating.

They seem to be immune
to any sense of danger.

Oh, for god's sakes-- Hey!

We have a dead man-pig
in the living room,

I have a tree stuck
to my mitt,

and I did not sign up
for the babysitter's club!

[Laughing]
Oh, Dyson touched my boob!

That was an accident!
It was with my elbow!

Doesn't even count!
Come on!

Seriously?

TAMSIN: Guys, guys, guys!
Let's order pizza!

Yes.

For some reason, only the
3 of them are infected.

Let's not take any chances.

No physical contact until
I know what we're dealing with.

Got it.

Double cheese!
Yeah!

Double cheese!

Pizza!

And you three,
stay put.

BO:
Get the pizza!

Where did you
get these?

It's fantastic!

--Give it to me.
--Totally lame...

Aww--
There's another one!

Come here, you!

What I don't
understand is

that if this disease
only targets Fae--

Why isn't
Vex infected?

Well, perhaps my
superior genetic makeup

has rendered me immune
to embarrassing afflictions.

What is that?

What?

You have a strange pustule
behind your ear

that wasn't there when
I examined you last.

Pustule. Ew.

KENZI: Ugh...

Ugh! Ugh!

Ew with a double
side of hurl.

What is it?

It's what's left
of a cocoon.

You've been used
as an incubator.

By what?

My guess?

A parasite.

What?
I'm unclean?!

Relax.
It isn't in you anymore.

But where could you
have picked this up?

Have you been with
any strange Fae lately?

Ugh.
Damn bitch!

KENZI / LAUREN:
What's that?

Oh, nothing, uh...

I was just saying how devastated
I was about all this, uh--

Listen, I'm gonna get
some help from Trick.

Alright?

I'm gonna make
things right. Alright?

What the hell
did you do to me!?

Used you
to spread a parasite.

What kind
of bloody parasite!?

The parasitic kind.

Zaps its victims
with nymphoid hormones.

Turns them into
self-obsessed brats

too young
for Fae powers.

So, they're completely
vulnerable to attack?

Precisely.

But what about
the "other white meat"?

Relatives of yours?

The infected emit a pungent
pheromone that attracts

a nasty breed of UnderFae
in for the kill.

Yeah, well, luckily
Kenzi pounded

little Piggly Wiggly
into UnderFae bacon

with her
magic shillelagh.

And the Succubitch?

Still alive
and singing.

Along with
the other Twi-hards.

Dyson and
his new partner.

Oh!

Now this is
getting interesting.

Three of my
favorite people,

trapped in one place...

with no way
to defend themselves.

And she's got
The Ash's play stick.

You want to prove your
loyalty to the Dark?

Finish off
the teen trio,

and bring me the
Staff of Righteousness.

And if I do?

I'm sure I could find some...
entry level position--

No!

I want all titles restored--
a million in cash

and my club.
I want it back.

There's the Vex
I remember.

"Grab a weapon",
she said...

For the hundredth time,
Kenzi, I didn't know!

Alert the media,
there is something

Doctor Flawless
doesn't know!

This is hardly
the time, Kenzi.

Course it isn't.

'Cause that
would be "messy"!

Do you think
just once!

Maybe just once,
you could try to be--

What? What?

Helpful!

Excuse me?

Sure!

Because
everybody else does!

You just bounce
through life, no job,

no plan, from
one beer to the next

and still, everybody
dotes on you, don't they?

What do you care
where they dote?

Just forget about it.

Yeah.
What is that?!

Why are you always
rolling your eyes at me,

with your normal upbringing
and your medical degree.

You don't know anything
about my life, Kenzi!

I know you think
you're too good for me.

No, I don't actually!

You think that I'm not
good enough for Bo!

She's my best friend.

And I love her.

I know!

[Sighing]
I know.

Are you sure
we're not infected?

Mm.

No.

We're just...

...stupid.

Well, I prefer...

..."emotional".

Moving on?

Killer Pig?

Yeah.

Yep, okay.

I can't believe I ever
thought you didn't like me.

I don't think I was
supposed to like you.

Why?
Whaddya mean?

[Whispering]
I'm a Valkyrie.

I think.

Wow...

Really?

What's a Valkyrie?

I don't know.

But...

Sometimes when I like people,
I have to make them go away.

What are you
talking about?

Can you
keep a secret?

Till I die.

Um...

No, I'm not
supposed to.

No, wait!
Wait!

I have an idea!

Okay.

Let's write down our
deepest, darkest secrets...

in poetry.

Cool!

But like real poetry.
The kind that rhymes.

You're really awesome.

No.

You're really awesome.

[Giggling]

Um...

Oh, oh!

See its snout?

It's similar in genetic
makeup to the pig.

It was scenting out its prey,
it knew which of us

was infected
with the parasite.

Hurray for
the Truffle Pig.

These creatures
travel in packs.

When their buddy
doesn't return...

They'll all go
hog wild?

Not even my wonder whacker
may be enough to save us.

That's why we need Bo and
the others back to normal.

Based on the secretions
that I pulled from the cocoon

from Vex, I think I can cobble
together an anti-toxin

for the parasite.
But I need time.

And a lab, maybe?

Well, not necessarily.

I've got a few basic
supplies in my kit.

But I need you to gather
up some ingredients.

Uh, baking powder,
vinegar, turmeric...

Yeah, yeah, okay.

Alright, go.

Also, garlic, hairspray,
and lubricating oil.

Flavoured or bulk?

As for me...

I'm going upstairs
to take a swab.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Doc, you goin' in solo?
Without backup?

I think I can do this.

You're as stubborn
as you are bossy.

Godspeed.

Okay.

What happened?

I don't want
to talk about it.

But... I got it.

Sure did.

Wow.

Nice job.

Yeah, I did
something else too...

I set up an early
warning system outside,

Home Alone style.

Good. That'll help.

Okay...

You must've gone to some
crazy-ass medical school.

Yale taught me
chemistry and physiology.

But this kind of stuff is
just experience and luck

and whatever I figured
out in the field.

"Field" meaning...

Afghanistan.

Shit, dude...

How long?

Long enough.

Why didn't you
ever say so?

You never asked.

You're listening
to Dyson take a whiz.

Am not.

Did you read
my poem?

It was stupid, right?

No, I liked it.

A lot.

Yours was really
beautiful... in a way.

But it was--

Really, really sad.

I wish there was something
I could do to help you.

You can't help me.

Nobody can.

Our secret?

Cross my heart.

Make mine
a Fae-cuccino, please...

I'm just straining
any impurities.

God, I hope...

[Cat screeching]

Perimeter breach!

Uh...
we've got company!

How many?

There's just--

Uh, no, there's
another one--

Ugh, it's not ready!

Oh, God...

[Bang]

The 3 little
piggies are back!

And this time,
it's personal.

Vex!

Dude, what are
you doing?

I'm going home.

[Fighting]

You slimy
sonuvabitch!

Ooh!

Your words are like
tiny daggers in my heart!

I trusted you!

Yeah, well, just
give us the rugrats

so we can all go home!

[Whack]

Not on your
miserable life!

Huh!

[Music playing]

Duran Duran?

"...I'm on the hunt,
I'm after you..."

[Whack]

. "...I'm lost
and I'm found..." .

. "...and I'm hungry
like the wolf..." .

Howl!

Woo!

KENZI:
Bo! Help!

That sounds
like Kenzi!

.

Woohoo!
Wooo!

[Dyson singing]
"...I'm hungry like the wolf!"

[Whack]

Bo?!

[Whack]

Crank it, Tammy!

Okay!

.

The antidote's ready!

[Whack, whack]

[Whack]

I need
to get upstairs--

Go long
and wide, doc!

[Whack]

I got you covered!

Are you gonna
be okay?

[Whack]

Sure!
This is kinda fun.

Okay.

Way to not
overthink it.

Hey.
Twinkle toes...

I'll be havin' that
wee Staff of yours.

Come closer.
Let me give it you.

Oh, I'd
be delighted.

Look what I found.

This isn't really like...

any Spin The Bottle game
I ever played.

Oh, it's new rules.

Are you sure?

Absolutely, I read it...
somewhere.

It's your turn.

I gotta kiss you.

Okay.

Man...
What are you?

Dude.
that was all you.

Are you playing
Spin the Bottle?

That was so dope.

Let's do that again.

Okay.

Yeah, let's not--

Ow!

Hey, where's
our pizza?

There's no
pizza coming.

Come here,
you little...

Ahh...

I believe "wanker" is the
word that you're looking for.

[IN RUSSIAN]
A dirty traitor!

And to think I shared
my limited edition

purple-pixie glitter
with you!

Aw, you think sharing makeup
makes us friends?

Don't do this...

I thought you were
your own man.

I am my own man!

And I happen
to have an axe.

But you're not
doing this for you.

You're doing it
for that stupid bitch!

Anything is
better than this!

I mean, look at me!

I'm sleeping
on a couch!

People are laughing
at me to my face!

You can't believe
that The Morrigan's

just gonna welcome you
back with open arms!

Listen, luv, you've
obviously read the book

on "Hostage Negotiation 1 01 ".
Can we just skip

to the bit where you tell
me I'm better than this?

You are.

What if I'm not?

Losing your powers
was the best thing

that could have
happened to you.

I feel like I've finally
met the real Vex!

He's a true artist.

He's a gentle soul!

And he will not
be trifled with.

Not even by her!

He's done with that!

[Struggling]

Vex-...
Please!

[Whack]

Oh, Kenzi--

I'm getting soft
in my old age.

Good choice.

Good choice!

[Snorting / growling]

LAUREN:
It's all right.

She's coming.

Time for Mama to bring
home the bacon.

[Fighting]

Oh--
Oh!

I don't think I'd mind
getting my ass kicked

by someone that hot.

That had to hurt.

Ugh...

Ah!

Oh! God!

One to go, one to go,
one one one to go!

And that's two!
No, that's two!

Bo for the gold!

VEX: Ahem...

Uh, all's well
that ends well, yeah?

No hard feelings?

[Whack]

VEX: Ow!

Girl, you got
you some gaaame.

True.

[Fighting]

Come on, Bo...

The whole thing's...
blank.

But fuzzy, like...

like there's
something there,

but why can't
I remember?

[Sigh]

Because you're
not supposed to.

We're probably
better off this way.

Yeah, good call,
Tammy.

I mean, Tamsin.

Okay!

Look, all I know is
that this latest crapfest

just caused a whole
mess of Fae paperwork.

So, thank you
for destroying my weekend,

and goodbye.

Well, that girl is
just no fun at all.

Hmm.

[Humming]

BOTH:
[Humming]

.

The one who touches
the Staff of Righteousness

shall take up
the noble cause,

accept the sacred mantle
of Ruler of Forest Nymphs

and Wood Sprites, and fight
for truth and justice

throughout the land to the
end of their natural days.

You're kidding me.

This is a huge responsibility
you've taken on.

I just picked up
a frikkin' stick!

That's how
destiny works.

One day you're you,
and the next day...

I'm a superhero.

[Laughing)

[Sigh]

Pro...

I could be
awesome, forever.

Yup.

Okay.
Con...

I would have to learn
how to do everything

with my left hand
and I mean everything.

Well... as a last,
desperate resort

there is
an escape clause.

Sold.

Show me
the eject button.

Very well.

Close your eyes
and say the words...

No peeking.

"I decline".

I... decline.

It was that easy?

Why didn't you
just say so?

What? A Blood King
can't have a little fun?

Don't think much
of your interior decorator...

It's a work
in progress.

Much like yourself.

Don't change
the subject.

You're not
off the hook yet.

Oh! Look at you.
All grown up.

"The Ash."

Did you get the new
business cards, yet?

Maybe a vanity plate?

Daddy must
be so proud.

You violated Fae law.

Oh, by having a little
fun with SuccuBo?

You executed a blatant
attack on the Light.

Oh, come now.

When did everyone
get so uptight?

I remember the
good old days.

A little raping,
a little pillaging,

the odd
"collateral damage"...

and then you'd
have yourself a party.

Now it's all
rules, rules, rules.

Your actions may
have jeopardized

the new peace plan.

A plan, in case
you've forgotten,

that was endorsed by the
Fae Elders themselves.

What can I say?

Except, mea culpa.

I was just trying to
spice things up a little bit.

I was a cop
for thirty years.

One thing I learned...

...bullshit stinks.

And lady, you reek.

You ever pull a
stunt like this again,

I will personally
rip off your head

and shove it up your
lily white ass.

This détente is
too important

to be screwed up
by some petty feud.

Am I clear?

Crystal.

Hey man, we are just one
Vex short of a real fiesta.

Where you goin'?

I don't know yet.

Why don't I go
make some tea.

Vexster... hey!

Come on,
all is forgiven.

But it shouldn't be, Kenz.

I can't stay here.
Not after what I've done.

Dude, you
saved my life.

Or that pig shifted
to the left

at just
the right moment.

That is not true.

Is it?

You know...

If you'd looked
at my history

you'd know I was
a betting man.

I'm going to take some time
to reflect, you know?

Reset the system.

I guess the
Doctor was right!

Bloody humans...

You thinkin'
maybe Tibet?

India, via Vegas.

You know, the whole
Eat, Pray, Mesmer tour.

Yeah...
Well...

I'll be back.

Fully armed
and ready to rock.

How do I know I'll
ever see you again?

Gasp!

Not your ebony handled
bison bristle blush brush?

Ugh!

You break that brush
and I'll kill ya.

KENZI: Ow!

[Vex laughing]

Catch you
in another lifetime!

Maybe...

I'm gonna
miss that a-hole.

I know.

Ow.

Here.

♪