Looking (2014–2015): Season 2, Episode 6 - Looking for Gordon Freeman - full transcript

In an attempt to cheer himself up and be positive, Patrick decides to throw a Halloween party. However, a series of different occurrences could turn it into the party from Hell.

This guy
messaged me on OkCupid.

Didn't this used
to be a blockbuster?

Can't we just go as
the Golden Ghouls again?

I still got the blouses.

No, I am not spending
another Halloween dressed

as an old, dead woman
from an '80s TV show.

We're throwing a party this year.
We're gonna be the fun gays.

I'm already a fun gay. You're
literally the least fun gay I know.

What's not fun and gay
about being a Golden Ghoul?

Shouldn't you and Eddie be doing a
couple's costume by now anyway?

What, and be like
Dom and Doris,



San Francisco's most
annoying Halloween couple?

- Hey.
- Hey, how about a hairy fairy?

Oh, man, I hate you.

I love it.
You look good in wings.

- You think so?
- Yeah.

Amazing. Your hair
and that glitter.

All right, we're in.

Oh, good.

Yeah. See, glitter, that's
all I needed to hear.

Just, glitter does it.

The Facebook invite says 9:00,

which means people probably
are gonna show up around 10:00,

so I think we should
have the keg by 8:30.

- It'll be there.
- Hey, I gotta go.



- Where are you going?
- Gotta get to work.

- It's Saturday.
- Homeless gay kids don't stop

being homeless
on the weekend, Paddy.

But you're supposed
to get the cups and plates.

Well, can't you do it?
I promised Eddie

- I would help out with the pumpkins.
- No, I have to go to the office

- to get the "monster mash" remix.
- The what?

- The karaoke remix of...
- I'm already late.

I gotta go or else
I'll be late. Bye.

How is it that the
new, thoughtful Agustin

still leaves me
with everything to do?

- He's doing his best.
- I guess so.

His best just isn't that great.

That's true.
Right?

Yes.

Hey.

- Oh. Jesus. Oh.
- Sorry.

You scared the shit out of me.

Well, it is Halloween.
What are you playing?

Oh, just something I've already
beaten about 15 times,

I just haven't gotten
the perfect score yet.

Here I am thinking you're shaming
me by working on the weekend.

Well, I sort of did some work.

I coded some of that app
we were talking about.

Seriously?
The gay battle game?

- I didn't know that you were still...
- No...

I was just bored, I guess.

Inventing work for myself.

Anyway, what are
you doing here?

Haven't you got
a party to prepare?

- That's what I'm doing.
- By stealing from the office?

Just a few Twix.

- You, uh, you got the evite, right?
- I did.

Cool. You don't have to come if you
don't want to. I totally get it.

- Do you not want me to come?
- No.

No, I just... I...
I didn't want you to...

Think that I was having a party
and purposely not inviting you.

I appreciate the gesture, Patrick,
but seeing as it might be

my only Halloween
in San Francisco,

I feel like Jon and I may
opt to see the sights.

What does that mean?

We talked about going
back to Seattle.

- What?
- Mm. Be good for us, I think.

Jon misses his family,
and I feel like I

made him leave a
job he really liked.

- I guess I get that, but...
- But what?

You basically
just got here, right?

It'd be better for us.

For me.

Well, this city
is really fun on Halloween,

but it can also be
kind of nuts, so...

Be safe.

- I will.
- Happy Halloween.

Yeah, yeah. You too.

Last year, Dustin wrote "anal rape
pumpkin." So this is progress.

It was a political statement.
Who did that one?

- That's mine.
- It's very Banksy.

No fuckin' way
you did that.

- Uh, yeah, I did.
- Thanks for believing in us.

I only believe in three things:

It's RuPaul, Hillary Clinton,
and you kids. So relax.

- You guys have no taste.
- Hey, don't be rude,

or you're not gonna get one of these
delicious IHOP gift certificates.

- Pancakes suck, Mr. Eddie.
- Wait, what, pancakes suck?

Only in America can a homeless kid
complain about free pancakes.

Look, this is from a grant.

So get yourself a spooky
lumberjack stack. It's Halloween!

Hey. You dressing up tonight?

Does a bottom howl at the moon?

I don't know what that means.
Sure you don't.

You should spend the night.
After the party.

You mean, like,
in the bed with you?

Like, yes, in the bed with me.
Clothing optional.

Yeah... I told some friends I'd meet
them at the endup after your party.

- Oh.
- But depending on

your Halloween costume,

- perhaps I could be persuaded.
- Oh.

- Is that a challenge?
- You tell me.

Ooh...

Okay. All right.
I'm coming for you.

- Yeah, what you got, boy?
- Oh, I got it.

I know exactly what I'm bringing.
You're gonna love it.

- All right, I'm waiting.
- You're spending the night.

You might even
spend many nights.

All right, slow your roll.

Hey, can you take
a look at this for me?

If this involves curating
your naked selfies,

I already told you I think it's
weird if you show your butthole.

It's not naked selfies.
Look.

- You're tweeting.
- It's good for the kickstarter.

@chickendom40, all right,
you have 30 followers.

That's not much of an
expansion, my friend. Sorry.

Oh, you're a beacon
of positivity. Thank you.

Okay, no. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
No.

I'm glad you're sticking with it.
That's good.

You also realize you're
asking for Twitter help

from the woman who
just found out last

week that my phone
has a calendar on it.

- Congratulations.
- So helpful. Why don't

you ask one of
Patrick's techie friends

- to help you tonight?
- Oh, you mean, like,

"hey, come help grandpa
use the clicker?"

Yeah, exactly. It's the least that
they could do for ruining the city.

You know,
speaking of tonight...

I know we said we'd never
do it, but then I saw this,

and I was like, "fuck it,
we are doing it this year."

Oh my God! No!
That's not She-Ra's headdress.

No!

Oh, and wait one
moment. That's not all.

Right next to it, we have...
Oh, man!

Right? And you are gonna flip
when you see my wig.

- Shit.
- What?

I told Malik that
I would dress up with him.

We were drunk
and I kinda promised.

Oh.

No, it's fine.
I mean, you're a couple now.

You should wear
a couple's costume.

All right, I see what you're doing.
I see what you're doing.

What is it with gay people
trying to ruin straight

people's relationships
with their labels?

We are two adults who
occasionally sleep together,

and we're going to a party dressed
as romantically involved partners.

- That's all. That's all.
- Got it. Got it.

But now
I wanna see the wig.

- Really?
- Yes.

- You really do?
- You got me.

Oh my God.

You're gonna be so jealous

that you're not coming with me,

- because this is kind of awesome.
- Oh, no. Okay.

Ew. Oh God, you look like
a mentally ill Barbie doll,

after I cut off
my Barbie doll's hair.

Really?
Was she still pretty?

No, 'cause I also
burned her nose down.

Nose job.

Hey. I'm almost done.

Hey, will you velcro
me in the back, please?

- Okay. Yeah.
- Thank you.

- Oh, drinks, thank you.
- Yeah.

- How good is this costume?
- Yeah.

- What're you supposed to be?
- I'm Gordon Freeman.

And he's, like, what,
a mailman from the future?

No, he's one of the most popular
video game characters of all time.

He revolutionized
first-person shooter games

because you so rarely
saw or heard him,

you could better imagine
yourself in the game.

Wait, so, your idea
of a fun gay is a character

with so little personality
he's basically nothing?

No, my idea of being a fun gay
is to have an amazing costume,

to forget everything that
Kevin told me earlier today...

Oh, fuck that guy...

And to throw an amazing
party, all right?

Tonight, I'm gonna be
hashtag "instagayed,"

and people are gonna
be like, "wow, who is

that really cute,
well-adjusted, single guy?"

It's me, America.
Get into it.

Or people will
be like, "oh my God."

"I can't believe
that mailman from the future"

"didn't drop off that package
I haven't ordered yet."

Okay, I'm gonna pretend
you didn't say that.

Okay, here we go.

- To Morgan Freeman.
- It...

- To Gordon Freeman.
- Thank you. Gordon Freeman.

- Gordon Freeman.
- Gordon... if people ask.

- Gordon...
- If people ask?

Yeah, people will ask.

- People are gonna know.
- People are gonna ask.

Hey, Mr. Fung is cool
with the music, right?

- Sometimes Fung freaks out.
- Fung'll be fine,

though I'm not so sure
about everyone else.

What is this playlist,
"now music 5"?

No, it's my special
party playlist, and

if you touch it
I'm gonna kill you.

Oh my God, you're maleficent.
That is such a good costume.

You look amazing.

Keg!

- Oh my God!
- Yes!

Master of my universe!

- He-Man!
- Wow.

What fabulous secret powers
are you going to reveal tonight

when you hold aloft
your magic sword?

Wouldn't you like to know?
And you are?

- I'm Gordon Freeman.
- Okay.

Ta-da!

He's one of the most popular video
game characters of all time.

- He revolutionized...
- You don't

want to hear
the explanation.

Where do you guys want this? It
weighs like a million fucking pounds.

- In the kitchen.
- In the kitchen, yeah, yeah. And also,

promise you're gonna
do karaoke later, okay?

- Oh God, do I have to?
- Yes, yes!

- You have to sign up.
- We all do.

Actually, everyone,
there's gonna be karaoke later.

So there's a sheet. There's
a sign-up sheet in there.

Hey, uh, I gave your
kickstarter, like, 35 bucks.

That means I get some sort
of coupon for nuggets, right?

Hey, you're
a social media guy, right?

Yeah.
Am I a social media guy?

I have 3,300 Tumblr followers.

Isn't that just for porn?

No, what... it's not...
It's not not for porn.

But it's... do you not know
what a Tumblr is?

No way.

- That is crazy!
- Come on.

- You guys are, uh...
- Come on.

- You're, uh...
- Come on.

- Oh my God, you don't know?
- No, I...

Come on. Ooh!

We're like pigeons.
We're like singing pigeons.

We're not singing pigeons.
We're Sonny and Cher!

Oh, yes! Yes!
Sonny and Cher!

Oh my God, you guys
are the cutest.

See, babe? Patrick
says we're the cutest.

The cutest.

Yeah, you're gonna believe that
from the gay Walter White?

- Or Tron, or whatever you are.
- No, it's Gordon Freeman.

I don't know what it's
gonna take to convince

this woman that
she's in love with me.

- That is so intense.
- Yeah, that's a little intense.

You know what's less intense?
Sonny and Cher karaoke duet.

- Oh!
- Right?

Inside, I got
a karaoke machine!

- Karaoke!
- That sounds awful.

- I need shots.
- Go in and get a drink,

and then sign up, though. I'm
trying to avoid party conflict

with people fighting
over who goes next.

Ding-dong!

- Oh!
- Love you, Cher.

- Love you, He-Man.
- Look at that ass!

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

My God, I spent $200 on that karaoke
machine and no one is singing.

- What?
- The karaoke machine.

I thought it would be,
you know, a good party thing.

- Seriously?
- I want people to have fun.

People are having fun.
You're not having fun.

No, I am having plenty of fun.

Okay, Clarissa Dalloway.
Lay off on the booze, okay?

- You smell like my tia Stella.
- Who's Clarissa Dalloway?

Well, who's tia Stella?

One person. I've got
one person on this list.

- Oh my goodness!
- Huh?

- Right, cutie.
- Girl, what you supposed to be?

The chlamydia fairy?

What?
Are you Hagrid from "Harry Potter"?

Bilbo Baggins, motherfucker.

Shit.
You look good.

- Thanks. So do you.
- Thank you.

Uh, Patrick, this is James.
James, Patrick.

James thinks you're adorable,
and you're both single.

So you guys should discuss
this while we go get drinks.

Okay. All right.

- Okay.
- Well you just...

The drinks are that way.

- Bilbo Faggins, looking cute!
- Sorry about that. Eddie's a lot.

Yeah.
You're, uh, you're, uh...

Link from Legend of Zelda,
right?

- Uh, Legolas.
- Mm.

We had this whole Lord of
the Cockrings thing going,

- but everyone got lost and...
- So like the movie?

- Yeah, I guess so.
- Oh. Will you excuse me for a second?

- Sure.
- Hey!

- Hey.
- Yes!

This is the best Gordon
Freeman costume I've ever seen!

- Thanks.
- You... you made this?

- Uh, most of it, yeah. Uh...
- Hey! Guess who I am?

Um, shot in the dark,
I'm gonna say Carrie.

See, bitch?

I told her people would
think she's an angry tampon,

- and I stand by that.
- Wow.

I'm gonna make us drinks.
Do you like whiskey?

I like whiskey.
I know you like whiskey.

- Yes, I do.
- You like anything.

- BRB!
- Okay.

They're a little intense
when they get together.

Yeah, he's got a lot of energy.

- Be nice.
- What?

He's all revved up.

His article just went
viral this week, so...

Oh, that's exciting.

Yeah, he's the youngest writer at
"SF Weekly" to get that many views.

Wow, that's a real...
That's a real accomplishment.

I'm serious, I'm serious. I'm
really... I'm happy that you came,

and I'm happy
that you brought Brady.

- Thanks. He's a lot of fun.
- Yeah, definitely.

I mean, he's not
as much fun as me, but...

He's way more fun than you.

- Wait, seriously? I thought...
- Who's thirsty?

Okay, thank you!

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Cheers!

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Fuck! You two are so cute.

I'm serious, you guys are
like "put a ring on it" cute.

Hold on, hold on.

- Will you hold this?
- Okay.

- Oh my God.
- All right, do some sweet shit.

Come on.
Make it real cute, real cute.

Okay, last one, last one.

Okay. All right, all right.
One more. Selfie, selfie.

So basically I just
make sure that the

applicants have their
paperwork in order.

It's not a lot of fun, but
it pays pretty well.

I heard you... listen,
I gotta go, um...

Check on the chips.

I'll see you.

You know, I thought it was
really important to push for,

because it's a kind of
homophobia that's hard to clock,

but it's sex shame.

If there's a pill
that can prevent HIV,

everyone should take it.

Believe me, I would've
been the first in line.

Yeah, but taking a pill just
so you can fuck? I mean...

Yeah, it's like
birth control, actually.

It's not really the same.

In the same way that
birth control liberates women,

- prep can liberate gay men.
- Yeah.

How does having unprotected
sex liberate anyone?

Right? I mean, what's so bad
about using condoms?

Well, you're actually supposed to
continue using condoms while on prep.

Okay, but the thing
about using condoms

is the only reason
people use condoms

is 'cause they have
a fear of dying of HIV.

Well, you can't die from HIV.
I mean, we know that.

I know you can't die of HIV.

That's not what I'm saying.
What I'm... trying to say,

is that someone who doesn't even have
HIV, and isn't even taking prep,

shouldn't probably
be telling people...

I do take prep.

What?

The article's called
"why I take prep."

I don't think you
have to read the

article, per se, to
get what the point is.

Which is what?

Okay! Well, you know a
party's really awesome

when everyone starts
to talk about aids.

Um, as fun as this is for me,

I'm gonna go to the bathroom right
now and jerk off to feline leukemia.

Ooh!

- What's feline leukemia?
- It's pussy cancer.

- Well said, Doris.
- Thank you. I wanna educate.

Don't go to the endup.
What do you mean?

I mean I want you
to spend the night with me.

Honey, I'm not a snuggler.

Okay, we don't gotta snuggle. I'll
build a pillow wall between us.

Agustin, I told you,
okay, when we talked about this,

- that when we started...
- we don't gotta

label it if you
don't want to.

Okay, we're not gonna
use labels, okay?

I know it freaks
some people out.

I like you, okay?
I like you,

and I wanna see what you
smell like in the morning.

- I bet it's the worst.
- It is the worst!

Hey, there's a line out here!

Here, give me.

- She's all yours.
- Sorry.

Yum, yum.
I smell drugs.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.
By the way, your girl...

She's a tough one.

You know, when I fall
for someone, I fall hard,

and I think I might have
scared her.

Yeah, you did...

But I'm pretty sure
that's just because

she feels the
same way about you.

- Yeah?
- Shh.

Oh, come on, Doris's BFF.

All right, dude.
Good looking, man.

Whoa, that is a titty
and a half!

No, this is two titties. Technically,
it's four halves. Go ahead.

May I?
Yes!

As long as Doris don't see.
She might be weird about it.

That is...
Oh!

You're so beautiful.

Hey!
Are you serious right now?

I don't know, am I?

What am I, your
sloppy party leftovers?

- Happy Halloween, dick.
- What?

Your playlist is garbage.

This playlist
is fucking awesome, okay?

- I quite fancy this song.
- What?

- Hey. I know we didn't RSVP...
- Who's "we"?

But I thought
you wouldn't mind if...

Uh, Patrick, you remember Jon.

Dude, amazing party!

It's really good.
The city is nuts tonight.

- It is nuts.
- Totally nuts.

We saw a guy on the street,
balls out, balls out!

- Ah!
- It was crazy.

- That is so crazy.
- You know what we need?

- Fucking... booze.
- That's right.

Are you fucking kidding me right now?
This cannot be happening.

I thought you wanted
to be a grown-up about this...

What is grown up about bringing
your boyfriend to the house

of the guy that you were
fucking cheating on him with?

- Christ, Patrick, can you...
- Can I what, Kevin? Can I what?

Okay, this is my party. All right?
It's my party, and I'm gonna...

I'm gonna just say
what I want to say.

Miss me?

Excuse me for a second. Okay?

- Hey, Paddy, you all right?
- Yeah, I'm great.

I can ask them to leave
if you want me to.

No, Dom, it's a fun gay party!
Why would we do that?

You didn't sign up for karaoke?

I love
your mega man costume.

Hey, Paddy. Just...

What are you doing?

Hello! Hello!
Is this thing on?

Ah! Happy Halloween, everybody!

I just wanted to say thank you,
everyone, for coming.

This is mine and...
Me and Agustin's party.

We never have parties,
but this year I was like,

"I wanna be a fun gay,
and fun gays have parties."

So this is my party!

I wanna know, though,
why is nobody singing karaoke?

I mean, do people not
sing karaoke anymore?

That's so weird, right?

Well, later we'll sing.
But I just wanted tonight to say

thank you, everyone,
for coming.

I wanted to say
all my friends are here.

Dom is here.
You all know Dom, right?

He-Man,
Master of the Universe is here.

Dom is actually
opening a restaurant.

Well, it's not really
a restaurant, it's like...

It's a chicken window.
I don't know what that is.

He's gonna sell windows out of his
chicken and it's gonna be great.

But he doesn't have any money. So
if we... could you... excuse me, yes.

Thank you so much.
I'm gonna take this hat,

and we're gonna pass
it around and we're

gonna do a collection,
like church.

- So if you have bills...
- You don't have to do that.

No, Dom, shut up. I love you.
I love your chicken.

Just pass that shit around and
we're gonna raise some money.

And this is Agustin!

And he's here
because he lives here.

Also because he looks amazing.

And he called me
Clarissa Dalloway earlier.

So if anybody knows what that
means, you can let me know.

That would be great, but I wanna
talk to you for real, Agustin.

Put the drink down
and look at me in the eyes.

And I wanna say...
Excuse me, sorry.

I'm really proud
of you, because you

have really turned
it around this year.

You're become thoughtful, and helpful,
and you take care of trans kids,

and a rent check would be nice,
but I'm not gonna push it, right?

Right? Richie?
Richie knows.

Richie knows because...
Richie, this is crazy,

but Richie actually picked
Agustin up off the street

when he was on drugs. That's because
Richie's such a good person,

and I think that we should all
raise a glass.

If I could just, Carrie,
have your red punch.

And raise a glass to Richie, and don't
think I forgot about you over there,

laughing behind Richie.
That's Brady.

Uh, which turns out
is Richie's soulmate.

So... yeah, there's that.

He's also actually,
I learned this evening,

the gay Dr. Ruth. So if anybody needs
their truvada prescription filled,

that ginger over there in the crown
is the one you go to, all right?

You go, you guys. Cheers.
And also to...

While we're at it, I'd like to
raise a glass to my boss, Kevin.

Kevin, hi!
Look, Owen, it's Kevin and Jon!

His longtime boyfriend!
Isn't it great

when two gay guys can
just work it out like that?

I think it's amazing.
So I just wanted to say, Kevin,

these last few weeks
have been so special.

In particular, that
time a couple weeks

ago when we were
alone at the office...

No, no, no! I haven't
gotten the chance...

no, I am Gordon
Freeman, okay?

He's the most popular video
game character of all time!

Okay, Gordon Freeman! How do
you people not know that?

You know who that is, right?

Make sure no one uploads
any videos on YouTube.

He's a video game character.

- Shit.
- Motherfucker.

That was a train wreck.

Apparently, Patrick's little
breakdown only got us about,

what, $12, $13.

It's okay, we can buy
a new, little chicken with it.

- Our first chicken.
- Where's Malik?

He is in the car.
He's changing his shoes.

He's kind of done
with the whole Cher thing.

He's really great.
You know that, right?

Oh, really? What, did he rim you
or something?

- No.
- You gotta watch that guy.

He loves ass.

- He's all up in it.
- Doris.

Yeah, I know, okay? I know he's great.
I know he's great.

I know he's great.
He's a little too great.

It's scaring the shit out of me.
I'm not...

I don't like the whole
couple's costume thing too,

I wish we hadn't done it.
It's freaking me out.

'Cause Sonny and Cher?
Ugh.

You know how that turned out.

Do you know what I think?
What?

I think you two
are great together.

Man.
Oh my God.

- These shoes are no joke.
- Hey!

Fuck.

You know,
if it's any consolation,

there was only one suicide during
Clarissa Dalloway's parties.

- I still don't know who that is.
- Your party's been way better.

I still don't know who that is.

It's Virginia Woolf,
"Mrs Dalloway."

Well, that was...
That was quite a speech.

- Sorry, do you mind if...
- Yeah, actually, I do mind.

Agustin, it's fine.
Really.

I don't know what I was thinking.
I'm sorry.

I'm drunk, and we were at a bar
around the corner...

I don't want you
to go to Seattle.

I don't want us being weird to be
the reason I never see you again.

- Patrick...
- I'd miss you too much if you go.

Here you two are.

I thought the party was inside.

I just came to get
the karaoke sign-up sheet.

- Seen it?
- Yeah, I've got that.

I will, uh,
I'll just unfold it.

You know,
'cause I slay Celine Dion.

I really do.
Don't I, babe?

Oh my God.
You do, yes.

- Fuck yeah, I do.
- Fuck yeah.

- Is everything all right?
- Mm-hm. You?

Yeah.

Can we go?

Really?

Hm... Yeah,
fuck me, I'm tired,

and I'm drunk.

Um, I'm... I'm drunk.

Okay.

Happy Halloween, Patrick.

The happiest.

Good luck in Seattle.

I hope everything
works out the way you want.

What does that mean?