Looking (2014–2015): Season 1, Episode 6 - Looking in the Mirror - full transcript

PATRICK: Yeah, so, you know,

I figured we'd go
early on in the day,

and then we'd make sure
that we see everyone.

And you'd get to meet everybody
and they can look at you

and judge your haircut,

considering your profession.

(CHUCKLES)

You think they'll like it?

PATRICK: I think they will.

(SIZZLING)

I guess the only reason



I bring up the thing
about the friends is that,

you know, they can be
kind of intense.

Particularly Agustin.

But it's not his birthday, right?

No, I told you,
it's Dom's.

How did you guys meet again?
I know that, um...

you met Agustin in college,
but Dom, you...

How do you know him?

Um...

Well, we actually
hooked up once.

But it was eons ago,
and it's never again.

Conveniently left that out.

No. Not on purpose.

We're just truly
and completely friends now.



To be honest,
I think that...

I'm a little old for Dom at
this point, if you know what I mean.

I told you Owen's
gonna be there, right?

My friend from work,
with his girlfriend Bethany.

And Doris will be
there as well,

which, you know,
she's... a lot.

If you're tweaking out about me
meeting your friends, I can skip it.

I'm not-- There's no tweaking.
I'm not tweaking, no.

I just, you know...

It's the first time
they're meeting my boyfriend,

so of course
I want it to go good.

Boyfriend?

Who said I was your boyfriend?

Oh, God.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to...

Relax.

Now I got me a boyfriend
and shit.

And a WASP, too.

Score.

You want
some enfrijoladas?

Boyfriend?

Come on.

And she gets through all of Carmen
with a broken heel.

Wow.

He's exaggerating just a bit.

This is drag her-story, honey.

Exaggeration makes
the truth tolerable.

Besides, Lynn was there.

I was.

Did Mama Jose ever
leave a show unfinished?

She did not.
(ALL CHUCKLING)

Mama Jose-- It sounds like
a cheap taco joint.

(CHUCKLES)

She was
a World War ll veteran.

I think she earned
the right to call herself

whatever she liked.

And she helped build
half the restaurants in this city.

Which is why I wanted
you boys to meet.

Dom's in restaurants.

Zuni, right?

Yep. Ten years.

I love Zuni,

but the last thing
this city needs is another Zuni.

You're right, and that's not
what I'm interested in doing.

Well, what is it
you have in mind?

Do you guys ever have
Peri-Peri chicken?

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FRANK: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Babe! Babe, babe.

What are you doing?

It's--
It's not working.

What are you talking about?

These are great.
That's great.

No. It's just...

Oh, man.
I--I don't know.

That guy's hot.

Hot?

(SCOFFS)
That's all?

I mean, he's--

Hot?

I--

I thought
that was the point.

I don't know, I think maybe
I pushed the chicken too much.

Jack seemed to like it,
and he can be a picky bitch.

- Oh, tell me about it.
-Good.

DO you think we should, I don't know,
follow up tomorrow or...?

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

Oh, relax. These things,
they take time and patience.

I'll call him, but, you know,
from the way they were

talking about it,
I think we've got a real shot.

Are you gonna answer that?

It's just Facebook.

I'm officially 40
on the East Coast.

So begin the birthday posts.

- You're 40 today?
-No.

No, I'm still 39
in California.

I'm hanging on to that
as long as I can.

- Thank you.
-Well, happy birthday.

Thanks.

You got plans, I hope?

Yeah. Do you have
a thing for this?

- Sure.
-We're gonna go to Dolores Park.

I'm going to drink modestly
and sulk.

You know at 40, Grindr
emails you a death certificate?

Sad, but true.

It'll be like the Ghost
of Christmas Past

walking through
Gay Beach tomorrow.

(LYNN CHUCKLES)
That sounds fun, doesn't it?

- You should come.
-Oh, that's sweet of you,

but my tomorrow's booked.

Oh, it is?

You're surprised'!

No, it's just--

- I don't know.
-Let me tell you something.

On my 40th birthday,

we did mushrooms in a canoe
on the Russian River.

Maybe you're self-issuing
your own death certificate

a little prematurely.

Have fun
sulking in the park.

Looks good. Here.

Thank you.

You're good at that.

Hey. Pato?

Yeah?

What you said
last night about us...

Yeah, the boyfriend thing.
Look, I did not mean...

- No.
-...to throw that bomb out there.

I'm in.

You're in'!

Yeah.

Okay.

Uh...

I just wanted to, um...

- You see me wear my thing?
-Your necklace?

No, not my necklace.
My escapulario.

Oh, yeah.
The brown thing.

Yeah.
It's something that...

Someone's gotta give it to you.
It's kind of a tradition.

- It's for good luck.
-Okay.

Oh, my God. ls that where
you went this morning?

Yeah.

(EXHALES)

Oh, my God.
That's so sweet.

It was four dollars.

But still.

Um...

But it would mean
a lot to me.

- Yeah?
-Yeah, put it on.

You've seen how
I wear it, right?

Yeah.

It looks nice.

Yeah?

Thank you.

CJ feels intimate with these fat guys
who are paying him, right?

We really don't have
to talk about it anymore.

No, I'm just asking.

I don't want to be one
of those annoying people

who keeps talking
ad nauseam about what they do.

Oh, she's so modest,
my little Cindy Sherman.

CJ just does what he wants to
when he wants to.

He doesn't feel the need
to judge it or explain it,

so that's
what I'm going to do.

We're just going to keep
spending time together.

Okay. So when do I
get to meet him?

You'll meet him today.

- You invited him?
-I did.

Okay.

- Really, though?
-Yeah, it's fine.

Would you get some of the Cheetos,
the hot ones?

You're going to be
the black guy

who brings Cheetos
to the party?

Okay, Cheetos are
fucking delicious.

- Okay.
-Fact.

I really think that we can
make this happen together.

Did he impregnate you?

You are just glowing
like a pregnant lady.

No.
We're friends. God.

Gay men are
capable of being friends

without fucking, you know.

- All right.
-Did you know that?

Yeah, I did know that.
It's just, you know,

God forbid you actually
would be fucking somebody

who's not half your age who could
actually care about you.

Anyway, we work together.

You don't get involved
with people who you work with, so...

Really? How many bushy-tailed
little busboys have you been through?

(TUTS)
This is different.

It is, isn't it?

That's exactly my point.

- You met Agustin and Frank, right?
-Right.

I don't know where
Dom is, though.

Hey!

No birthday boy yet?

Oh, Doris texted.
They're like two seconds away.

Cool. You remember Richie.

- How's it going, man?
-Good to see you.

-It's good to see you in the light.
-Yeah, right?

Oh, and this is Owen.

Remember I talked
about Owen?

This is Owen and
his girlfriend Bethany.

- This is Richie.
-Oh, the famous Richie.

- Nice to meet you, man.
-ls this your boyfriend?

Are you the boyfriend?

Yeah, I guess I am.
I'm the boyfriend. Hi.

Wow.
When did this happen?

Well, it's... It's sort of
a recent development.

-It's fresh.
-New.

Okay, well, let us raise
a Capri Sun to that.

You have to see the pictures.

No, I definitely--
I definitely need to see them.

They're not even
ready yet, so--

What are you,
accessorizing now?

No, this is a...
What is it?

- It's an escapulario.
- Escapulario.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

No. I've never even seen
something like that before.

Really?

(CONTINUES IN SPANISH)

Well, I don't know
a single Cuban

who'd wear
something like that.

I love it.

Hey!
Did you guys get my text?

Yeah.

Where's the birthday boy?

God!

Lucky I'm a gymnast.
Look at you.

You look 40.

Oh, thank you.

Happy birthday.
-Hey.

So, I want you to meet--
This is Richie. Dom.

- Richie, hey!
-Happy birthday.

- How much is it for seven? 15?
-Twenty.

All right.

Thanks, man.

I am feeling objectified.

Well, it's true.
The very first day at work

I completely thought
that he was gay.

And it was because of the way
that you kept saying,

(EFFEMINATELY) "Oh, my God."

All right, but what about
your voicemail?

Oh, my God, yes.
His voicemail is so gay.

My voicemail is not gay.

- It is.
-It is not.

Well, there's only
one way to settle it.

You want me to play
my voicemail right here?

Yes, please.

- All right.
-Play that shit.

I'm gonna play you my voicemail,
but it's not gay.

I sound completely normal.

All right, ready?

VOICEMAIL:
Hi, you've reached Patrick--

- What is so funny?
-Come on.

-It sounds totally normal.
-Fucking gay.

Okay, guys, Patty's
voicemail isn't gay.

- Thank you!
-You're welcome.

It's just that he spends all his time
pretending to be a power-top,

'cause he thinks that's what
all men are supposed to be!

- Oh, fuck you!
-Who says he's pretending?

ALL: Oh!

It just got real.

I think your gay voice
is sexy, Pato.

My gay voice? Everybody really thinks
I have a gay voice?

Really?
(ALL GIGGLE)

(EFFEMINATELY) My voice is so gay.

I can't even control
how gay my voice is right now.

- Embrace it.
-It's crazy!

- Or how gay my walk is.
-Dude, Patrick...

I just can't control
the way that I walk around.

It's just who I am.

What, Owen?
I can't hear you,

because of my
sibilant "S"s.

- Kevin's coming over here.
-It's so gay.

- What?
-Kevin.

Shit.
Fuck, that's my boss.

DORIS: Oh, my God.
You're so getting fired.

- Hey.
-Hi.

- Thought that was you.
-Yep.

So this is where you come
to escape our dungeons.

Yeah. Well, you know,
it's gay, hipster,

drunk-girl paradise
on a Saturday.

Which kind of makes it not sound
like a paradise at all, but...

MAN: Kev.
Hey.

It is the one
from the Food Network

with the olive oil.

- I know.
-Oh, my God, it's so good.

- Yum.
-Oh, sorry. My manners.

Jon, this is Patrick.
We work together.

- Hey.
-Jon, hi.

I didn't know
you were still in town.

I'm in town permanently.

Perm-- Wha--
Okay.

Jon nailed his interview
with the Giants.

What do you do?

Sports medicine.

I should be jealous, right?

He stares at world-champion
torsos the whole day.

Former world champions.

- Hey.
-Oh, hey.

- Hi. I'm Kevin.
-Richie.

- Nice to meet you.
-This is Richie.

Hi, Richie.
This is my boyfriend, Jon.

Hey. So, are you
in video games too?

No, I cut hair, actually.

Oh, right,
like for a living?

Yeah.

Yeah, for now. But eventually
you'll want to, you know...

get your own place
or something, right?

I will?

DORIS: Hey!

It's piñata time, fuckers!

(ALL CHEERING)
Looks like you're needed elsewhere.

- Richie, it was nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.

Yep. Have fun, boys.

Thank you.

- Nice to meet you guys.
-Yeah, enjoy the ice cream.

- See you.
-See you Monday.

- Let's do this.
-Sure.

(SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT)

Yeah!

Oh, my God.

Yeah!

- Die, younger self, die!
Self-hate!

No, Dom,
there's a puppy in there!

Look at this. Teeth.

Diapers, are you serious?

God, I'm going to
try one of those on.

Just yes.

I love you!

Show me that love.

Hey.
Hey, you made it.

I made it.

Uh, CJ, this is Frank.

What's up, Frank?

What's up?

You want some Cheetos?

I fucking love Cheetos.

(SIGHS)

Thanks for this.

Please. For what?
Thanks for what?

I mean, I made
a Facebook event.

It wasn't super hard.

- Don't tag me.
-Why not?

No, just don't.

I'm skipping
this bowling thing.

Really?

Excuse me.
Are you Dom?

- Is this your birthday party?
-Yeah.

Here you go.
Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Thanks.

- Okay, they're from Lynn.
-Shut up.

Oh, my God.
Oh, motherfucker.

- What is--
-Wow.

Oh, my God.

- Shut up.
-Oh, my God.

(CHATTER, LAUGHING)

Hey, have you tried this
redneck punch that Doris brought?

It's like a Honey Boo Boo
vodka Kool-Aid.

- It's actually pretty good.
-I'll pass.

- Are you sure?
-Yeah, please.

You're missing out.

I don't know what else
she put in there.

True.

So, what do you think?

What do I think about what?

What do you think
about Richie?

- He's pretty fucking cute, right?
-Yeah.

- What are you doing, Patrick?
-What do you mean?

What are you doing
letting this guy walk around

-thinking he's your boyfriend?
-So?

I mean, isn't it like a little cruel?

I'm sorry, how is that cruel?

I mean, leading him on?

Wearing those...

hideous matching charm necklaces.

They're not--
It's not a charm necklace.

It's called a--

I-- It's not a necklace.

Okay, and...

you brought a fucking hooker

to meet your boyfriend
at the birthday party.

-I'm the cruel one?
-Okay, that's different.

Frank knew CJ was coming.

Okay, but does Frank know
you're still paying him?

I mean, what does
CJ charge for birthdays?

Jesus, man.
-Still $220 an hour?

What are you doing
right now?

I'm sorry, I feel like you talk shit
about anyone I'm ever interested in.

Listen, all I'm saying is
that it would be really shitty

if you were using this poor guy
to prove something to us.

- Or to yourself, man.
-I'm sorry.

What the fuck
am I trying to prove?

You know exactly
what you're doing.

You're slumming,
and it ain't cute.

- Yo, man.
-Slumming?

What's your fucking
problem with me, dude?

Why don't you just
say it to my face?

- Dude-- No, I'm sorry.
-Come on.

I didn't mean any disrespect.

Oh, "hermano."
Now I'm your fucking hermano.

- Man, fuck you.
-Okay, come on, Richie.

Just, don't.
Let's go.

- Let's-- Don't? Yeah?
-Come on, come on.

That's what I was telling you about.
He's a fucking crazy--

- The guy's a fucking dick.
-No, we're going to go.

Why do you fucking
hang out with that guy?

You could teach me?

That's who I am.
I'm a teacher.

Aw.
What's the matter, baby?

I'm a fucking asshole.

I don't want to talk about it.

Poor Auggie.

Auggie.

Okay, don't ever
call me that ever again.

Well, is there anything
that we can do?

Auggie?

MAN: Get a room, seriously.

Hey.

This is you, right?

I'm not invisible.

You should text me later.

My roommates
are going to be gone.

What?
Just saying.

I kinda feel like fro-yo.
Do you want some fro-yo?

I know we just
ate all day, but...

I think I'm gonna go home.

- What? No.
-Yeah...

- I think I'm going to go.
-Why?

Patrick, I don't want to start shit.
I really don't.

Okay.

Are you embarrassed of me?

What are you talking about?

I noticed you messing
with your scapular all day.

Yeah, no, I'm getting used to it.
It's kinda itchy.

And then there was
that thing with your boss

about me opening up
my own place.

When have I ever said I was going to
open up my own salon?

Yeah, no, I don't know
why I said that.

I just assumed
that you would.

And you didn't even say anything
when your friend said

that thing about you slumming it.

Not one word.

Are you slumming it?

- No. Are you kidding me?
-ls that what this is?

No.

Agustin was just
being an asshole.

I would never let one of my people
disrespect you like that.

I know, yeah.

No, you're right.
I'm sorry.

I should have just
told him to fuck off.

Pato, I take this
boyfriend thing very...

very seriously.

So do I.

What are you doing
two weeks from now?

What?

Two weeks from today,
what are you doing?

Shit, I don't know.

Will you come with me
to my sister's wedding?

What, you don't want
to be my date?

After how today went?

Look, especially
after how today went.

Now you want to
throw me at your family?

I don't think so.

Why?

It's just too fast, Pato.

No, it's not too fast.
I'm just too slow, okay?

Look. Look at me.

I've been slow all my life,

and that's over.
Okay?

Come on.

Hey.

Say you'll go with me.

I don't know.

Hey.

What's wrong?

- You still okay with this?
-I'm okay.

(KISSING)

Smile, baby.

Yeah.
Do that little dance.

(DEEP BREATHING)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

(DOOR OPENS)

Well, hi.

Well, hi.

You didn't respond
to my texts.

Well, not all of us
keep our phones on 24/7.

Come on in.

Thanks for the flowers.

They found you.

(SOUNDS FROM TV)

What?

That's so stupid.

Hey, did you hear
from Jack and Randy?

Yeah, Randy called.

And?

Yeah...

Look, I--

I wanted to wait
until tomorrow.

I didn't want to
ruin your birthday.

It's okay.

But listen...

...how would you feel
about just us?

- What do you mean?
-Well...

we find a place,
we do a pop-up.

We take it over for a night.
Right?

We invite Jack and Randy

and every other queen
with a checkbook

that we know,
and we show them.

We simplify.
Just like you said, right?

Yeah, but it would
still cost money.

Well, that kind
of money I can do.

- Lynn, you--
-Yeah.

Dom.

- Look...
-I know.

If we're going to be
in business together...

- Yeah, sure.
-I think that's hard enough.

- Yeah.
-Right?

Yeah.

We're friends, okay?

Okay.

Birthday been?

- All right?
-Sure.

(NERVOUS CHUCKLING)

(SIGHS)

(TAPPING)

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