Looking (2014–2015): Season 1, Episode 1 - Looking for Now - full transcript

Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)

(EXHALES)

Okay, okay. Hi.

I'm Patrick.

No. No.

- Do you come here a lot?
-No.

And what's your name?
I didn't catch your name.

- Stop talking.
-Okay, I'm sorry.

- Oh, yeah.
-(GASPS) Cold hands.

Very cold.
(GROANS)

(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Oh! Ow. Shit.



I'm so sorry.

I thought it was on vibrate.

I should probably get this.

Thank you.

Where are you guys?

I thought we were
in this together.

No, you left me.

Are you still there?

- Tell us.
-Okay, okay, it was a very,

very small handjob,
like two seconds long,

(GIGGLING)
and the guy-- Don't laugh.

The guy that gave it
to me was very hairy.

He was, like--

not even hipster hairy,
like gym teacher hairy.



- Oh.
-That can be hot.

It was kind of hot.
It was.

I was kind of getting into it,

but then the minute
my phone rang,

and it was you guys calling me,

I immediately thought
that it was my mom.

- Oh, God.
-Like she somehow knew

where I was and she was
calling to stop me from becoming

one of those gays that hooks up
with people in a park.

Come on. Look, I'm proud of you,
okay? You're a pervert now.

You've gotta wear
those colors with pride.

I'm not taking weed
with you ever again.

If I was a 28-year-old
billionaire,

I would build
something way bigger.

No kidding.

And with a fence or something
and some kind of security,

at least, like,
a camera or a gate.

- Yeah.
-Do you see it, Paddy?

- He's not listening.
-Do we have any bourbon?

Yeah, we've got tons of bourbon.

- Bring on the bourbon.
-Bring on the bourbon.

- Light up the lantern.
-Light up the lantern.

Bring on the bourbon.

I just think it's really weird
to invite your ex-boyfriend

-to your bachelor party, right?
-Are you kidding me?

The fact that they're even having
a joint one is so horrible.

Right?

- I don't even know where to start.
-I think the only reason that he

invited me is 'cause he thought
I wasn't actually gonna

show up, which kinda makes me
wanna show up to show him that

I'm totally fine with the fact
that he's getting married,

even though it kinda
makes me feel a little weird.

Why do you even care?
You dumped him.

I know. I know
we broke up for a reason,

but, you know, things are
complicated. And yes, he--

Yeah, the reason was
'cause he was boring!

Yeah, I know that he was
boring--

But now he met Gabe
and four months later

they're getting married?
How does that even happen?

- Well, is he hot?
-ls Gabe hot?

- Yeah.
-He's a little portly.

(CHUCKLING)

Which is not an insult.
It's not an insult.

- Oh, my God. You're such a bitch.
-PATRICK: No, he's a very sweet guy.

He’s just slightly round.

They've been posting pictures
of themselves on Facebook

to show how proud they are
that they're getting engaged.

And it makes me nauseous,
but I can't stop looking.

So if I go to this party,
one of you is coming with me.

Well, definitely Dom.

You know I got to work
at studio tomorrow.

- Okay.
-Frank's gonna meet me. Oh!

He should be coming over
tonight, I think.

You have to go with me.
Are you gonna come?

Is it an open bar'!

Yes, yes, it's an open bar, yes.

- All right then.
-Thank you.

Joint, please.

(GASPS)
(LAUGHING)

(COUGHS)

(STIRS)

MAN: Yeah, baby, okay.

Good boy--
Ooh, yeah.

Ooh.

Oh, fuck!

Oh, my God.

- Are you close?
-Hold on.

Oh, I'm totally late.

Well, let me--
Let me finish you off quick.

I can do that thing
with your balls.

Stop it, stop it, stop, stop.
I really gotta go.

I mean, this guy might
take the room...

That cute, vegan
teacher friend of Tara's.

Shut up, man.
He's not that cute.

Ah.

Well, he's not as cute as you,
my little Cubano sandwich.

(CHUCKLES BASHFULLY)

So you finally
stop asking me, huh?

I only asked you twice.

What if I did move in'!

For real?

Yeah, for real.

- For real for real?
-Yeah, yeah, I'm being serious.

Deadly serious.

But why now? Why?

I don't know. It's just...

I really can't afford
the city anymore.

Oh! You're so romantic.

- Oakland is cheaper?
-Well, it's true.

Find something better
by tonight

or you're doing the laundry
for the rest of the month.

I'm not doing your laundry.
Ever.

- Good morning.
-Morning.

I could hear you and Frank
through the wall this morning.

Listen, do you think
you can help me with this?

What?

Instagram filters
have ruined everything

and I can't tell
if this guy is hot or not.

What do you think?

Ooh! Paddy, that is a lazy eye.

- No, it's not.
-The right one.

Oh, my God, it is.

- How did you see that?
-You're such a sweet boy.

Wow. I don't know.

Maybe-- I don't know,
a lazy eye could be kinda hot.

I could be into that.

What?

I told Frank I'm gonna
move in with him.

- Are you serious?
-Dead serious.

- Oh, my God, this is huge.
-Yeah, I know.

Congratulations.
-Thank you.

FRANK: Babe, can you grab me a towel?

It's underneath the sink.

(MIMICKING FRANK)
"Babe, I need a towel."

Are you ready for that?

- Oh, my God.
-It's gonna be a lot of that.

- It's gonna be all--
-You know what?

I'm not gonna go there.
lt's gonna be fun.

- It's gonna be great,
-and I'm really happy for you.

- This is good.
-Thank you.

- Cheers?
-Cheers.

(INHALES)

MAN (ON TV): And the next story
that we were talking about

has a lot of people--

Hey, so what would you say

if I told you that
I decided to call up Ethan?

Uh, I would say that
he tried to kill you.

Do you remember that?

He did not actually do anything.
He just threatened to.

- Oh, my God.
-Anyway, when we were together,

you threatened to kill me
a ton of times.

That is true,
but I was only joking.

Well, anyway, he's--
He's changed.

He's making a fortune selling
expensive condos in LA.

How do you know that?

- I read it.
-You read it?

Was that just in the newspaper?
Did I miss it?

I read it on his Facebook page.

- But, in my own defense...
-Oh, God!

- No, you're gross.
-I was just looking.

That's gross.
Are you crazy?

- No.
-You're crazy.

You Facebook-friended him?

- No! I didn't friend him.
-Did you really?

I just was looking.

I have two words for you:
Bumpy Tongue. All right?

I get a request from him
every single day.

If you give them a little inch,

they take a mile
and then they'll kill you

then they'll rob you
once you're dead.

Okay, calm down. I was just--

- I was just thinking...
-That is not a good idea.

Of maybe getting
into real estate.

- What? That's funny?
-Oh, you were?

- Is that your new passion?
-Why is that funny?

- I didn't know that.
-Maybe it is.

You...

- You know what?
-What?

Nothing. I just--
We have come a very long way

for a couple of
Modesto rednecks, all right?

You don't need to be
taking career advice

-from a psychotic narcissist.
-Okay, okay, you're right.

Fuck it.
Who wants to sell condos anyway?

- You don't wanna do that.
-Can we just- Can we just

stay in and watch The View?

Oh, my God,
I would so love to do that.

Do you think
my six-month-old patient

that has the heart defect--
Do you think she would mind?

Whatever. She's just doing it
for attention.

- Oh, my God.
-Right?

She's so manipulative.
She's always like,

"Ow, my heart Pay attention to me!
Over here. I'm a baby."

(CHUCKLING)

Oh... God.

Are you really okay?

Yeah, I just need to get laid.

Don't friend him.

I mean it. Don't do it.

I got chills, even,
when I thought of that. Don't.

I know what you're doing.

What? I'm alone now
and I need to find a roommate.

Oh really?
Yes. On OkCupid, huh?

I thought I'd kill
two birds with one stone,

you know, get a boyfriend
and a roommate.

What do you think
about this guy?

He's a doctor.

He's smart,
and he wants to date you?

Yeah, and we're an 82 percent match.

Okay, that's a bullshit
algorithm, all right?

If Bethany and I took this test,
we'd be like 93 percent enemy.

Okay, but we both swim.

Oh.
How often do you actually swim?

I can swim. And he's got a line
from Frank O'Hara on his profile.

- Like you even know who that is.
-He's a poet.

- Is he?
-I looked it up.

Oh. He just messaged me.
Oh, my God.

It looks like I have a date
tonight at the Press Club.

- That place?
-Yeah.

That is a very heterosexual
choice, my friend.

I don't mind.

Really?
Like a winking smiley face?

What's wrong with that?

What are you,
a Japanese teenager?

I-- What?

Look, I was a Japanese teenager,

I didn't even use
a winking smiley face.

Okay, you know what?
Thank you for your help.

Why don't you roll
back over to your desk?

If you want, I have some
Pokémon cards I can sell you.

I can't with you right now.

(DRILL WHIRRING)
(CLATTERING)

So this is Scotty.
He's gonna help you today.

SCOTTY: Hello.

Why don't you bring him
up to speed

so you guys won't
have to stay all night?

Well, I can't stay all night.
Frank's coming to pick me up.

Yeah. No, I need you
to finish this.

I've got people coming.
Why don't you get Frank to help?

(DRILL WHIRS)

So...hi.

-It's Scotty, right?
-Yeah.

Um...

Where do you want me?

Why don't you grab that chair?

Right up there, yeah.

What is this thing?

It's a piece of shit
is what it is.

- Let me get right here.
-Yeah.

Okay.

You're so tall.
Where were y--

Where were you two weeks ago
when I was putting that shit up?

- Okay.
-Sorry about your plans.

It's fine.

(DRILL WHIRS)

But we had it here last time.

No, we've never had that, sir.

But we do have a great
California Grenache blend.

It's a nice full-bodied red,
spicy but easy on the palate.

It strikes a lot of the same
notes of fruit and cocoa.

No, thanks.

Kill me now. Tech assholes.

It's like 1999 again, and
I hated them the first time around.

I hear you.

They spend all their fucking
money at Neiman fucking Marcus

and they still look like
a bunch of dog fuckers.

Hey, don't worry about it,
all right?

You'll be fine.
Just keep on putting

that good energy out
in the universe and...

...everything'll work out.

Okay.

Well, you haven't tried good
energy yet. That sounds nice.

- What's his name again?
-No.

- "No“?
- His name's No.

- It gets weird, they quit--
- Can I have a bottle

of Château-Grillet
for table seven, please?

Okay.

(SIGHs)

(HONKING)

- Hi.
Benjamin, yeah.

Patrick. I'm sorry I'm late.

That's okay.
It's only like ten minutes.

Yeah.

Oh, very nice. It's embossed,
which is very fancy.

And oncology...
That must be real interesting.

Oh, yeah, it's great.

There's so many different
kinds of cancer.

Right.

This is mine...
Card.

- Oh, video games.
-Yes.

Isn't that just a bunch
of kids playing air hockey

and going down slides?

Yeah, yeah,
it's a fun atmosphere.

I mean,
it's not really like that.

What does a--a level designer do?

Do you play games?

- Nope. Never.
-Not at all?

Oh, is carpal tunnel an issue?

(CHUCKLES)

- No.
-No.

- No, it hasn't been.
-How old are you?

I forget what it said
in your profile.

Um...

I didn't know these had pits.

Twenty-nine.

And are you drug
and disease-free?

God. I feel like
I'm having a physical.

- Sorry.
-lt's okay.

Sorry. I'm just coming off
a 16-hour shift,

so my brain is a little fried.

No, no, that's okay.
Listen, I work long hours too.

I mean, I'm in video games
and you're in cancer,

so it's a different thing.

- But I understand the long days.
-Yeah, well.

Yeah, you know what they say,
"Work is love manifest."

I think, actually, the quote is,

"Work is love made visible."
Right?

Get out.
You did not just correct

my pretentious
Gibran misquotation.

I think I did.

I downed that.

You want another one?

- Are you gonna have another one?
-No.

- No.
-Actually, I'll have one, yes.

SCOTTY: I was though, when I was
helping you bring that--

- Dude. You remember that, dude?
-FRANK: (LAUGHING) Yeah.

- I'm not crazy because he was there.
-Stop it.

I've tried to tell friends
about this.

Hey. Hey, we just figured out
we met at, um...

The Cinco de Mayo--

Darren and Anthony's
Cinco de Mayo party.

Oh, really?

I was dressed as
a slutty jalapeño that night,

so you might not recognize me.
But that was me.

- Okay.
-It was him.

Oh!

I mean,
it's San Francisco, right?

It shouldn't be so hard to meet
cool people in this town.

- Yeah, I know.
-I was--

I was so desperate yesterday

that I went cruising
in the park.

- Cruising?
-Yeah, well,

it was kind of a joke.
I was with my friends

and we were in the park,
and we were like,

"Do people still really do this?"
And it turns out they do.

So you're looking
just to hook up?

Well...

- No, no.
-No?

No, no, not really.

No, I--
I'm-- no, I--

I didn't mean to put--
(STAMMERING) No, I'm more of a--

Like a relationship person,
always, usually at least.

But no, that was just
a joke in the park.

So what was your
longest relationship?

Uh...
Like six months, I think.

- Yeah. What about you?
-About five years.

Five years
is a good chunk of time.

- Yeah.
-Look, I think I'm not making the

best impression. I think we
should back it up a little bit.

I'm gonna stop you. I'm sorry.

You seem like
a really nice guy...

- Thank you.
-But...

...when it's working...

...you shouldn't have to try
so hard.

And this just obviously
isn't working.

You know?

Thank you.

Are you serious?

It looks like--
So, you ordered two glasses

and I ordered one, so how about
you do 25 and I do 15?

- Does that sound fair?
-Yeah.

He was inspired by this book,
Artistry of the Mentally Ill,

and he started collecting
all this art that was made away

-from corrupting--
-Ignore him.

He's trying to impress you.

- Okay.
-Thank you.

Well, I-- no, no, I am impressed.
I didn't know about Jean...

- Du buffet?
-Yeah.

"Debuffit"?

Well, while we're
on the subject of fine art,

do you guys wanna see
my new tattoo?

- Yes.
-Yes, yes.

My first vote is yes.

I haven't shown it to anyone,
but I designed it myself.

Okay.

And it's
Dolly Parton's signature.

(GIGGLES)

- Can l...?
-Yeah.

Knock yourself out.

Whoa.

(TRAIN BEEPS)

- No, that's cool.
- Thanks.

You lost?

No, I'm just
checking something.

Looking at the map
makes you look lost.

Yeah, I guess it does.

Where are you going?

To a party.

What about you?

- Couldn't hear you.
-I just said--

Working the door
at my friend's place.

Oh, okay.

Esta Noche,
16th and Mission.

You wanna come?
We got a special tonight:

pretty blue eyes
drink two for one.

WOMAN (OVER PA): This train
will not stop at Powell Station.

That sounds fun, but...

I'm already late to my thing.

"Benjamin Kazan.

Resident in oncogy."

Oncology.

You a doctor?

Yeah...

I'm still a resident, but... yeah.

That's good, 'cause...

I need some taking care of.

Oh, hey, Liam.

Oh, hey, Dom.

What are you eating there?

It's lamb with merguez.

Pretty good.
It's a little salty tonight.

- Yeah?
-You want a bite?

Sure.

Hey.

Oh, okay, yeah.

Mmm.

Good, huh?

So what are you doing later?
Do you wanna grab a drink?

Or we could just
go back to your place.

I'll put my positive energy
into your universe.

You're a funny one, dude.

Richie Donaldo Ventura,
resident in cosmetology.

Oh, you're still training.

I was cutting
all my friends' hair,

so I figured I should
start charging for it.

Yeah, you gotta watch out, because
people take advantage of you.

You've been hanging around with
the wrong people tonight, sweetie.

You have no idea.

This is me.

Hey, Doctor?

If I call you,
will you hang around with me?

I'm serious.

(FUNK MUSIC PLAYS)
You gave him the wrong card?

I didn't actually give it to him.

He kinda just took it from me,
from my pocket.

That's even worse, Paddy.

I was just so upset about the doctor.
I don't know why I agreed

-to split the check.
-Oh, God.

I should not have mentioned the
six-month thing or the fact that

- I went cruising in the woods.
-Wait, wait.

When were you in
a relationship for six months?

- Jason.
-Jason?

Yes, Jason.

No, that was like five at most.

Whatever.
Listen, fuck that asshole doctor.

Tell me more about
the guy on Muni.

Oh, he's a doorman,
an aspiring barber.

Free haircuts?
Ain't mad at that.

Yeah well, he came on kinda strong,
and he's not really my type.

Because he's not some fuckhead
with a Stanford degree?

You still got time
to take him shopping

before your sister's wedding,
if that's what you're worried about.

Fuck you. I gotta pee.

- Where's the bathroom?
-lt's out in back.

Hello.

- Hi.
-ls this awkward?

- A little.
-Yeah.

(CLEARS THROAT,
HALF LAUGHING)

- Thank you for coming.
-(CHUCKLES)

Oh, you're so welcome.

So how's it going?

Oh, it's going okay.

I had a really, really,
really bad date tonight.

Well, if things go as planned,

I will never ever, ever go
on another date...again.

That sounds great.

(RINSES URINAL)

- Ever.
-You could always cheat.

That was a joke.

No, seriously,
I am very happy for you.

I'm sorry that
I haven't officially said

congratulations to you yet.
I've been meaning to, so...

...congratulations.

Thank you.

I am sorry you had a bad date.

That's all right.

They won't all be bad.

They're waiting for me.

All right, have fun.

How old do you think I look?

- In daylight or candlelight?
-Fuck off. Daylight.

- Relax. You look good for your age.
-Something awful happened

-to me at work today.
-What?

I didn't get to fuck someone
I wanted to fuck.

So?

So it's the first time
it's ever happened to me.

- Oh, you're lying.
-l'm so sick of all these

annoying, overachieving
20-something cunts.

- I could've easily said no to you.
-But you didn't.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(POP MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY)

Shake it, babe!

This is so wrong.

I don't know. Maybe they really
love each other.

The Lord tells us
that a bachelor party

is between one man
and one stripper.

What do you care?
You're an atheist.

I'm agnostic.

All right, Paddy.

No, no, no, no, no, you can't leave.
Where are you going?

I gotta go find some blond slut

to help me regain
my self-respect.

Dom, why do you think
I go on so many bad dates?

I don't know, Paddy.
Maybe you should

stop giving a shit
what your mom thinks.

Actually, stop giving
a shit what anyone thinks.

So, are we
one of those couples now?

One of those couples?
We can be whatever we wanna be.

Yeah, but what if we don't agree
on what we wanna be?

We'll figure it out.
I'm not worried.

- All right.
-It was exciting, you know.

Yeah, of course it was.

(LINE RINGING)

VOICEMAIL: You have reached
Ethan Roberts Real Estate.

I can't take your call right now.

Please leave a message,
and I will return your call promptly.

Have a nice day.

(VOICEMAIL BEEPS)

Hey.

It's Dom.

Gimme a call.

Ripped By mstoll
Happy New Year 2015 - New Year, New Color ;-)